Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt: Part 2

In my prior article, Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt - Part 1, I discussed how anger is part of healthy aggression and starts at birth.  I also discussed how problems develop when healthy aggression is short circuited at a young age and continues into adulthood.  In this article, Part 2 of this topic, I'm providing a fictional clinical vignette to illustrate those issues.

Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt 

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt
Beth began attending psychotherapy after she was passed over for a promotion that she felt sure she was going to get but didn't.  Instead, a colleague, Karen, who used Beth's ideas and presented them to their director as if these ideas were her own, got the promotion that Beth wanted so much.

Beth told her psychotherapist that other colleagues, who knew that Karen took Beth's ideas, told Beth that she should speak with her director and let him know what happened.  But Beth felt too uncomfortable doing that.  She didn't want to "make waves" at the office, so she remained silent.

Beth also told her therapist that other colleagues, who were on the same level as Beth, often dumped projects they didn't want onto Beth to free themselves up for more interesting projects--projects that Beth would like to work on but couldn't because she was weighed down with the less interesting projects.  Friendly colleagues urged her to speak up, but Beth said she was too uncomfortable to assert herself, so she did nothing.

She had been with her company for a little over a year, and she was aware that she was getting a reputation for being a doormat--someone that certain colleagues could take advantage of because they knew she wouldn't stand up for herself.

She was also aware that if she continued to allow others to take advantage of her, her situation at work would only get worse.  She told her psychotherapist that she didn't know how to change these situations, but she wanted to learn how to do it.

As Beth and her psychotherapist explored her family history, Beth revealed that she was raised by a single mother who controlled almost every aspect of Beth's life until Beth moved out five years ago when she turned 25.  Even now that she was living on her own, Beth said, her mother still tried to control certain areas of Beth's life.

She told her therapist that when she told her mother that she was moving out five years ago, her mother was upset.  Her mother told her that she could save so much more money if she continued to live at home.  Beth told her that she wanted to have her own place.  Her mother knew there was nothing she could to stop Beth, but she told Beth, "Okay, go ahead and move out, but you might not find me here one day.  I'm not going to live forever, you know."

Beth was alarmed to hear her mother say this.  She also felt ashamed of her desire to be on her own and guilty for hurting her mother.  This made moving out so much more difficult, but Beth knew it was time to be on her own.  She didn't know how she did it, but she found the courage to move out, even though she felt ashamed of her need to do this and guilty for hurting her mother.

As she recalled her childhood, she told her psychotherapist that she remembered so many other memories of her mother being very uncomfortable when Beth tried to be more independent--from the time she was a young girl wanting to pick out her own clothes to wear to her mother's dismay when Beth told her that she wanted to learn to drive when she was 17.

She told her therapist that her close friends from adolescence, who remained her close friends now, always urged her to stand up to her mother, but Beth felt too guilty to confront her mother.  She was so aware that as single mother, her mother sacrificed a lot for her.  She felt it would be a form of betrayal if she confronted her mother, and she knew her mother would see it that way too.

And, yet, there was another part of her that wanted to be able to stand up to her mother so she wouldn't feel so dominated by her mother.  She would often imagine herself telling her mother that she needed to feel more independent, especially now that she was 30.  But whenever she imagined speaking to her mother about this, she could see how hurt and disappointed her mother looked, and she felt she couldn't risk hurting her mother.  So, her dilemma remained (see my article: Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

Beth's psychotherapist listened empathically and understood that Beth was very ambivalent about what to do.  On the one hand, Beth wanted to feel more autonomous and in control of her life.  But on the other hand, Beth worried that she would hurt her mother.  She felt like she had to either choose to honor her own needs or honor her mother's needs, and she didn't know what to do.

Beth had a lot of insight into her problems, even before she came to therapy.  She knew that her problems with asserting herself were related to her lifelong avoidance of confrontations which were rooted in her relationship with her mother.  She knew, on some level, that she was suppressing her anger, but she couldn't feel it.  She was insightful, but she just didn't know how to make changes.

Listening to Beth, her psychotherapist recognized that there were times when Beth asserted herself, like when she moved out of her mother's place.  So she explained to Beth that everyone is made up of different, and sometimes contradictory, aspects of themselves.  And, her therapist explained, Beth had a part of her that knew how to assert herself--she just didn't know how to access this part of herself (see my articles: Why It's Important For Psychotherapists to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation and Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are).

Using a combination of clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing, Beth's therapist helped Beth to go back into the memories of the times when she was able to assert herself with her mother.  At the same time that her psychotherapist helped Beth to access that assertive part of herself, she also helped Beth to manage the guilt and shame that also came up.

Over time, Beth was able to access this more assertive part of herself on her own.  As Beth got more comfortable calling on this more assertive part of herself, her psychotherapist recommended that she practice using this in ways that didn't feel too difficult.  She taught Beth how to put her shame and guilt aside in order to assert herself in small ways at work.

Then, when Beth was more comfortable, her psychotherapist urged her to be more assertive in other more complicated situations at work--like when her colleague tried to use more of Beth's ideas and say that they were hers.  This was more challenging for Beth, but she did it anyway and felt good about herself afterwards.

Over time, Beth was also getting more comfortable and confident with presenting her ideas to her director, especially after she received very positive feedback from the director.

The most challenging ordeal was asserting herself with her mother, who would often come over to Beth's apartment unannounced.  One day, Beth's mother came over when Beth was having dinner with a man she started dating.  Her first inclination was to let her mother in, but then she realized that this would be awkward and it would ruin her date with this man.

So, gathering her courage, she told her mother that she had come at a bad time and she would call her tomorrow.  Her mother, who refused to accept that Beth was an adult--much less as a sexual being, got angry and she left abruptly.  After her mother left, Beth calmed herself and she went back to be with her date.

During her next psychotherapy session, Beth told her therapist that she was able to set a boundary with her mother, but she felt very guilty and ashamed.  She said that she almost called her mother the next day to apologize, but when she thought about how her therapist would respond to this, she decided not to do it (see my article: How Clients Internalize Their Experience of Their Psychotherapist).

Beth's psychotherapist understood that there was still much unfinished business from Beth's early childhood, so she recommended that they use EMDR Therapy to work on Beth's unresolved trauma (see my articles: How EMDR Works: EMDR and the Brain and What is Adjunctive EMDR Therapy?).

Several months later, Beth was able to work through her childhood trauma with EMDR therapy.  She felt a lot of compassion for her mother, but she no longer felt shame for having her own needs or guilt for asserting herself with her mother.

She also continued to assert herself at work, and she was promoted a year later into a senior position with a substantial raise.

Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt

Most important of all, Beth no longer feared her anger.  She understood that her anger and its related healthy aggression could be used to mobilize herself to be assertive (see my article: Using Anger to Mobilize Yourself to Make Positive Changes in Your Life).

Conclusion
Fear of anger is often coupled with shame and guilt, and these problems are often rooted in early childhood when parents don't allow children to use their healthy aggression to be more autonomous in an age-appropriate way.

Without help, these problems continue into adulthood and usually have a negative impact on your career and personal life.

No matter what kinds of problems you might be having, like everyone else, in order to survive, you have positive internal resources, including various aspects of yourself that have helped you throughout your life.  You might not be aware of these aspects or, if you are, you might not know how to access them on your own to use them now.

Getting Help in Therapy
A psychotherapist who uses clinical hypnosis and a mind-body oriented modality, like Somatic Experiencing, can help you to access the positive aspects of yourself so you can overcome your problems(see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

In addition, EMDR therapy can help you to overcome unresolved trauma from the past that keeps you stuck now.

Rather than struggling on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional so you can overcome your history and live a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome problems that keep them from maximizing their potential.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt - Part 1

In a prior article about fear of anger, Overcoming Fear of Anger, I began a discussion about how this fear is usually rooted in childhood where parents were intolerant of expressions of healthy aggression.  In this article, I'll expand on this topic (also see my articles: Anger as a Secondary Emotion, Using Your Anger to Mobilize Yourself to Make Positive Changes in Your Life, and Healing Shame in Psychotherapy).

Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt

What is Healthy Aggression and How Does It Relate to the Separation-Individuation Process?
Healthy anger is a form of healthy aggression, so before addressing fear of anger, I think it would be helpful to define healthy aggression because this concept is often misunderstood.

Healthy aggression begins on the day you're born (possibly, even before).  Similar to chicks who experience the impetus to leave the egg, healthy aggression is what also causes the infant to leave the womb.  As a child, healthy aggression is what enables a young child to want to feed herself and, later on, learn to tie her own shoes.

Throughout child development, healthy aggression helps a child to want to learn to walk, learn to say "No!," get dressed on his own, and go through a healthy separation-individuation process with his parents.

At each stage, as the child develops, he learns that he is a separate individual from his parents and that she can take age-appropriate steps to make decisions and act more independent.  For a child of three or four who is with parents who allow the separation-individuation process, this might involve making decisions about what she will wear.  This might mean that the child chooses to wear a sweatshirt with a ballet tutu with mismatched patterns.

Even if the parents wouldn't have chosen this combination of clothing for the child, they know that it's important for the child to start making some independent decisions for herself in this way.  Over time, this will help the child to have confidence to make other decisions for herself as time goes by--rather than the parents insisting that they make all of the child's decisions.

The Negative Impact of Healthy Aggression Getting Short Circuited
What if, instead of the parents allowing the child to make her own decisions, they intrude on this process from the time the child is young through adulthood?

If parents have difficulty allowing their child to exercise healthy aggression from a young age, this has negative consequences for the child in terms of psychological development.

For instance, when a newborn wants to get his parents' attention, he will cry--a form of healthy aggression.  If the parents don't come to attend to the baby's needs, he will get even angrier and cry even louder until he works himself into a rage.  If the parents still don't come, he will exhaust himself and, with enough experiences like this, he will eventually learn that to stop crying to get his parents' attention.  He will go into a dissociative state as a survival strategy.

Fear of Anger Often Begins at a Young Age

Even at this young age, an infant learns to adapt to his parents' needs in order to survive.  Under those circumstances, dissociation is adaptive is an instinctual survival strategy so he does not alienate the parents.  But this adaptation has serious negative consequences later on because the child is learning that he has to put his parents' needs before his own.  He will also probably grow up to be an adult who will continue to dissociate and not know his own needs.

Another example is if a young child has the urge to feed himself, when his parent tries to feed him, he might say, "No, I do it!"  If he has never done it before, of course, he's going to make a mess, but this is part of the way he learns.  If a parent can't tolerate seeing the mess, she might interfere with the child's healthy urge to learn to do it himself and insist that she continue to feed him.

Since this child's urge to feed himself is a natural part of developing, this child and parent will probably have a power struggle on their hands with the child insisting that he wants to feed himself and getting angry when the parent insists that she will do it.  In fact, it's probably the first of many power struggles if the parent doesn't realize that this is an important part of the child's development.

But what's going on here?  Why wouldn't a parent allow her child to feed himself (or choose his clothes or tie his shoes later on)?  When asked, the parent might say that she doesn't like the child to make a mess or she can do it faster or more easily, but if someone continued to explore the issue beyond the surface, what probably would come to the surface is that the parent has a fear of allowing the child to grow developmentally and become more independent.

This parent's fear is probably related to her own early family history and fear of eventually being "abandoned" by the child.  Even when a parent knows objectively that children do grow physically and psychologically and that this is normal developmentally, on an emotional level, it can be difficult to accept, especially if a parent has emotional issues that she hasn't worked out for herself.

A parent might see this reluctance to allow the child to grow and separate in age-appropriate ways as her being "protective."  And, while there might be an element of this, it usually has more to do with the parent's own fear of allowing the child to be more independent.

This can go on through the stages of child development so that the child learns that separating and becoming his own person is "bad."  In these kinds of situations, most children learn to sacrifice their own developmental needs in order to maintain an emotional tie with his parents (see my article: Is Fear of Being a "Bad Person" Keeping You From Asserting Yourself?).

Often, in an unspoken way, the message for this child has been all along that meeting his parents' needs is more important than meeting his own needs.  In effect, he learns that if he will maintain a less conflictual relationship with his parents if he ignores his needs.  In this case, healthy aggression is perceived as "bad" because it threatens the bond with the parents.

Healthy aggression, including anger, becomes coupled with fear, shame and guilt:  fear of losing his parents, shame for having his own needs, and guilt for wanting something that is different from his parents.

Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt

Instead of learning over the course of his psychological development that there is such a thing as healthy anger, the child learns that all anger is "bad" and he shouldn't feel it.  As a result, he will have an unhealthy relationship to his own anger.  Either he will learn to dissociate his feelings of anger, deny that he ever feels angry or project his anger onto someone else ("I'm not the one who's angry.  You're the one who's angry").

So, for instance, the child who isn't allowed to engage in healthy aggression (or healthy anger) and who grows up to be an adult that has a negative view of anger won't realize that he can use healthy anger to assert himself or to set healthy boundaries with others.

Instead, this individual develops a fear of anger, which includes shame and guilt.

In my next article, I'll provide a fictional clinical vignette to illustrate these points and how psychotherapy can help.

Conclusion
Fear of anger (or fear of healthy aggression) usually begins at a young age.

If parents, who have their own unresolved emotional issues, cannot tolerate the child's healthy aggression, the child will often grow up fearing his own healthy aggression (or fearing anger) and feeling ashamed and guilty for having his own needs.

Fear, shame and guilt related to anger often results in a person splitting off his awareness of his anger, which can be done through various defense mechanisms.  Also, it often results in the person being afraid to assert himself or set healthy boundaries with others.

Getting Help in Therapy
Fear of anger, which is coupled with shame and guilt, is a common problem for many people, especially women, who are raised to believe that being angry is "bad."

If you're struggling with your own fear of anger or an inability to know your own emotional needs or an inability to assert yourself, you could benefit from psychotherapy.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to understand and accept your anger and learn to assert yourself in a healthy way.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Growing As An Individual While You're in a Relationship

Many people are afraid of losing their individuality in a relationship so they avoid getting involved until they think they have worked on themselves sufficiently in psychotherapy first.  The idea is that once they have healed the emotional wounds that cause them to fear losing their individuality, they will be ready to enter into a romantic partnership with someone.  This concept is especially common among people who have been hurt in prior relationships.

Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship

But this is a misconception: Relationships can provide an opportunity to discover parts of yourself and to grow as an individual.  Also, if you're already attending psychotherapy, you have a chance to make healthier choices when choosing a romantic partner and explore and change unhealthy patterns that were problematic in prior relationships (see my articles: Learning From Past Romantic Relationships and Choosing Healthier Romantic Relationships).

Most people need time to heal from the heartbreak of a prior relationship, and everyone is different as to how much time he or she needs.  But this is different from avoiding relationships altogether until you feel you have changed into the new person that you want to be.  It implies an expectation that there will be a life-changing transformation where you know you have "arrived" and now you are ready to have a romantic partner.  

As a psychotherapist in New York City with more than 20 years of experience, I have seen many clients have big breakthroughs in psychotherapy where their life is transformed in life-changing ways.  But I've also seen clients who have a series of smaller breakthroughs over time in therapy that facilitate positive change.  In addition to the transformations possible in psychotherapy, a lifetime offers many opportunities for change and growth. 

So, why wait until you think you have it "all together" before allowing yourself to be in a relationship--especially since relationships offer opportunities to develop and grow as individuals and as a couple?

Fictional Clinical Vignette: You Can Be in a Relationship and Still Grow As An Individual:

The following fictional vignette illustrates how you can be in a relationship and still grow as an individual and how psychotherapy helps:

Cindy

After Cindy went through a painful breakup, she began attending psychotherapy to deal with the end of the relationship (see my article: Healing the Heartbreak of a Breakup).

She explained to her psychotherapist that shortly after their two-year relationship anniversary, Cindy's boyfriend, Dan, told her that he wanted to be free to date other women.  Knowing that Cindy would never be comfortable with opening up their relationship to other people, Dan thought it was best that they breakup.  

Prior to the breakup, Cindy had her doubts as to whether the relationship would survive because every time they got closer, Dan would end the relationship briefly and then regret it and ask Cindy to take him back.  Even though Cindy had also been thinking about possibly ended their on again-off again relationship because it was so chaotic, she took the breakup hard (see my article: The On-Again, Off-Again Relationship).

At first, Cindy thought she and Dan were going through one of their cycles of being together, breaking up and getting back together again.  But as the weeks and then months passed, she lost hope and realized that their relationship was really over this time.

Cindy told her psychotherapist that after the breakup, with the benefit of hindsight, she wondered why she allowed herself to be in a relationship that would fall apart whenever they were most emotionally vulnerable with each other.  She wondered if she didn't feel that she deserved better than this, and if she needed to "learn to be in a relationship" before she entered into another relationship.

As a result, Cindy said, she decided to work on herself in therapy first to understand herself and to learn to be in a relationship before she got into another relationship  Her psychotherapist listened empathetically as Cindy spoke to her about her sadness about the breakup and her fear of getting involved in another relationship (see my article: A Psychotherapist's Empathic Attunement Can Be Emotionally Reparative For a Client).

Her psychotherapist responded that she understood Cindy's need to heal from the breakup, which triggered childhood abandonment issues for Cindy.  She recommended that they use EMDR therapy to help Cindy to resolve her current emotional issues as well as her history of emotional abandonment in her family of origin (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy?).

Cindy's therapist also told Cindy didn't need to avoid relationships altogether after she felt she recovered from the breakup.  She explained that Cindy could learn about herself and about how to be in a relationship while being in a relationship.

At that point in therapy, Cindy maintained that she felt it would be unwise for her to begin a new relationship until she learned enough about herself and how to be in a relationship.  She was sure she would make all the same mistakes again that she made with Dan and prior boyfriends.  She felt too emotionally vulnerable to even consider a relationship, so her psychotherapist told her to do what she thought was best for herself and, at the same time, keep an open mind that she might be able to enter into another relationship before she felt she knew how to be in a relationship.

Over the next several months, Cindy was able to work through much of her grief about the breakup with EMDR therapy, and she and her psychotherapist began working on her earlier abandonment issues related to her family.

It was at that point when she met Sam in a writing class.  Although she was hesitant, Cindy accepted his invitation to go for coffee.  She felt the chemistry between them immediately, but she told herself that she wouldn't allow herself to get romantically involved with Sam because she wasn't ready.

After the writing class was over and Sam asked her out on a date where it was clear that he was interested in more than just a friendship, Cindy told him that she enjoyed his company, but she wanted to remain friends because she wasn't ready to get involved with anyone.  Sam told her that he could accept this and told her that he wouldn't pressure her for anything more.

A few days later, in her psychotherapy session, Cindy talked about Sam and how relieved she was that he could accept a friendship.  She acknowledged that she was physically attracted to him and enjoyed his company, but she remained adamant that she wanted to learn to be in a relationship in therapy first before she got involved with anyone.  

Her psychotherapist told her that going out on a date was different from being in a relationship and Cindy might enjoy herself if she went out with Sam--if she was willing to take the risk.  She also told her that many people learn to be in a relationship with the experience of actually being in a relationship.  But Cindy wasn't open to even dating.

During the next few weeks, Cindy continued to meet Sam for coffee and occasionally for brunch.  When Cindy saw that Sam understood that their get-togethers weren't dates, she allowed herself to enjoy their time together more.  

Then, one day, Cindy walked into her local coffee shop and happened to see Sam at a table talking and laughing with another woman.  Rather than acknowledging his presence, Cindy left the coffee shop quickly feeling shaken up.  Surprised by her reaction, she went back to her apartment and sat for a long time trying to sort out her feelings.

Later that afternoon, Cindy saw her psychotherapist and told her about her reaction when she saw Sam with another woman.  She told her how surprised she was that it upset her because she considered Sam to be a friend.  

During that therapy session, Cindy realized that she had developed romantic feelings for Sam that she had suppressed until she was confronted with seeing him involved with another woman.  She told her therapist that she now felt confused about her ambivalence, which she continued to explore in subsequent therapy sessions.

When Cindy met Sam again for coffee to share their writing, Sam mentioned that he happened to notice Cindy leave the coffee shop a few weeks before.  He said he wanted to try to catch her to introduce Cindy to his cousin, but she walked out so quickly that he didn't have a chance.

On hearing that the woman he was with was his cousin, Cindy felt a great sense of relief and blurted out, "Oh, that was your cousin?"

Sam smiled, "So you did see me and you left. I thought so, but I wasn't sure--until now.  Why did you leave without coming over to say hello?"

Cindy didn't respond.  She was annoyed with herself for revealing that she had seen Sam before she walked out of the coffee shop.  Although she was relieved that he wasn't with a date, she wondered if he was seeing someone else.  She knew she couldn't expect him to remain alone.

When Cindy didn't respond, Sam teased her, "Did you think I was on a date?"

Becoming increasingly uncomfortable, Cindy got up and began making an excuse as to why she had to leave, but Sam asked her to stay and to talk to him about what was going on.  He told her that he still liked her and he would like to go out on date with her.

Taking a deep breath and laughing at herself, Cindy let down her guard and told Sam that she would like to go out on a date with him too.  Soon after that, they began seeing each other regularly.

Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship

Although Cindy was still afraid to allow herself to develop deeper feelings for Sam, she was able to talk to her psychotherapist about it during their sessions.  Over time, she realized in therapy that she was much more confident and resilient than she ever thought herself to be.

As she dated Sam and their feelings deepened, they were able to negotiate being two autonomous individuals in a relationship.  They spent time together and they also gave each other space.  Over time, she learned to trust that he wouldn't abandon her.  More importantly, she learned to trust herself that she could be in a relationship and figure things out as she went along, especially with the help of her psychotherapist.

Over time, Cindy and Sam shared their observations about each other.  Cindy was often surprised at how perceptive Sam was about her, and how he was able to see things about her that she hadn't realized.  She realized that, in addition to developing her own insights about herself, she could also learn about herself through Sam's eyes because she could trust him and he was insightful. 

From spending time with her and reading her writing, Sam helped Cindy to see the parts of herself that she hid from herself and others, which gave her a lot to think about and talk about in her therapy.

Cindy also shared her observations about him with Sam, and she was glad that he was open to this.  She felt she was healing emotionally in this relationship, and they were both growing with each other. 

Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship

Cindy told her psychotherapist that she recognized that her relationship with Sam was much healthier than any other relationship she had ever had.  She liked that they could grow together in this relationship.  She had never experienced this before in a relationship.  She also liked that they were each in therapy focusing on their individual needs while they also met each other's emotional needs.

While she still had some fears of being in a relationship, she realized that she was ready to take the risk that she was resilient enough to deal with issues as they came up.

Conclusion

Many people believe that they must work on themselves in therapy first to learn to be a healthy individual and how to be in a healthy relationship before they allow themselves to enter into a relationship. This is a misconception because, especially if you're in therapy where you can work on whatever issues come up.

You can be in a relationship and still grow as an individual.  You don't have to wait until you have it "all together" before you're in a relationship.  Developing insight into yourself as well as seeing yourself through someone else's eyes, especially someone that you love and trust, can help you to grow.

Getting Help in Therapy

Psychotherapy provides an opportunity to heal and grow (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

If you're struggling with a problem that you have been unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from working with a skilled licensed mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am a trauma therapist have helped many clients to overcome traumatic experiences.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Your Fear of Your So-Called "Negative" Emotions

In a prior article, Overcoming Fear of Anger, I discussed fear of anger and how psychotherapy can help.  But anger isn't the only so-called "negative" emotion that people often fear.  Aside from anger, many people fear sadness and grief.  There are also people who fear any strong emotion, including joy and happiness because of their history (see my article: Are You Afraid to Allow Yourself to Be Happy?).

Overcoming Your Fear of Your So-Called "Negative" Emotions

Why Are People Afraid of Experiencing "Negative" Emotions?
First, let me clarify that there's really no such thing as a "negative emotion," which is why I put quotes around the word "negative."  All emotions are normal.  It's what you do with your emotions that makes the difference.

So, I'm distinguishing feeling emotions vs. behavior.  If you get angry and you get violent, that's obviously a big problem.  But there's nothing wrong with feeling angry.  As I mentioned, it's what you do with it that matters.  Aside from getting violent, if you hold onto anger and resentment and, over time, you're unable to let go of these feelings, then this is a problem (see my article: Holding Onto Anger is Like Drinking Poison and Expecting the Other Person to Die and Letting Go of Resentment).

There is no one reason why people have fear of experiencing anger, sadness or grief, but for many people, it's about a fear of being engulfed or shattered by the emotion.  So, people with this fear often use various defense mechanisms to ward off what they consider unpleasant emotions.

Under optimal circumstances, children learn from their parents at a young age, in an age-appropriate way, how to deal with emotions that are uncomfortable for them.  If a child's parents are able to remain relatively calm when a child has a temper tantrum and help the child to calm down, the child learns that he can be angry; his parents aren't going to be angry with him because he's angry; and his parents will help him to calm down.

Conversely, if a child gets angry and the parents' reaction is to get angry too, then the child internalizes that his anger is "bad."  If the parents scold the child for having a temper tantrum and then isolate him in his room, this also gives the child the message that being angry is "bad" and he doesn't learn how to express his emotions in a healthy way.

Instead, the child learns that he has to hide his anger and not show it.  As a result, he grows up to be an adult who uses various defense mechanisms to defend against his anger and hide it from others and from himself.

Common Defense Mechanisms:

• Denial: "I'm not angry." or "I never get angry."
• Acting out: extreme behavior to express thoughts or feelings
• Dissociation: zoning out and disconnecting from feelings
• Projection: "I'm not angry--you're angry."
• Rationalization: "Getting angry won't help me."
• Intellectualization: Using intellect to disconnect from feelings
• Regression: Going back to an earlier stage of development
• Reaction Formation: Converting uncomfortable and unwanted feelings into the opposite feelings

and so on.

Temporarily Compartmentalizing Emotions vs Repressing Emotions
Warding off uncomfortable feelings indefinitely by using defense mechanisms is different from temporarily compartmentalizing feelings under particular circumstances.

For instance, if a manager is giving a presentation to senior managers and a thought crosses his mind about his father who recently died, he would want to wait until he had privacy to experience his emotions, so he would probably compartmentalize his grief and sadness temporarily until he had privacy to express them.  This would be a healthy coping strategy, and it's different from pushing down emotions indefinitely (How Compartmentalization Can Be Used as a Healthy Short Term Coping Strategy).

A Fictional Clinical Vignette: Overcoming Your Fear of So-Called "Negative" Emotions
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how psychotherapy can help a client to overcome fear of uncomfortable emotions:

Nina
Immediately after Nina's mother died unexpectedly, Nina got involved in a whirlwind of activities so that she almost always had something planned.  She feared that if she wasn't busy all the time that she would be engulfed by grief (see my article: Coping With the Loss of a Loved One: Common Reactions).

A few months later, Nina began getting headaches and she felt fatigued.  Her doctor ruled out any medical reasons.  When he asked her about what had been going on in her life in the last few months, Nina mentioned that her mother died unexpectedly.  She also mentioned that she was dealing with her grief by "keeping busy" most of the time (see my article: Are You Keeping Busy to Avoid Uncomfortable Emotions?).

When her doctor asked Nina if she allowed herself time to experience her grief, Nina was confused because she didn't understand why she would do that.  So, her doctor explained that grief is a normal reaction to losing a loved one and continuing to suppress her grief would be emotionally and physically unhealthy for her.

Overcoming Your Fear of Your So-Called "Negative" Emotions

He also told her that her headaches and fatigue might be the result of all this pent up emotion that she was suppressing.  Her fatigue might also be related to keeping herself constantly busy.  He recommended that Nina seek help from a psychotherapist.

Reluctantly, Nina began seeing a psychotherapist, who provided Nina with psychoeducation about grief being a normal and common reaction to the loss of her mother, and how psychotherapy could help her (see my article: Why It's Important For Psychotherapists to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation About How Psychotherapy Works).

When her psychotherapist asked Nina about her family background, including how family members dealt with so-called "negative" emotions, like anger, sadness and grief, Nina told her that her parents would discourage her from being upset when she was a child.  They didn't like when Nina was sad and cried or got angry.  They would punish her.  So, Nina learned to suppress her emotions.

As they talked about Nina's discomfort with her feelings, Nina said, "I don't see how it would help me to allow myself to feel sad.  That won't bring my mother back."

Her psychotherapist explained defense mechanisms to Nina, and she spoke to her specifically about the defense mechanism of rationalization, which is the defense that Nina was using.  Then, she asked Nina if she was afraid of allowing herself to feel grief about her mother's death.

Nina thought about it for a few seconds, and then she said, "I guess I am afraid of feeling grief.  Sometimes, I can't help it--I just think about losing my mother and I cry, but I hate to cry and find some way to distract myself."

Over time, Nina and her psychotherapist worked to help Nina feel more comfortable with her emotions in a gradual way so that she didn't feel overwhelmed by them.  As Nina developed more of a tolerance for these emotions, she was able to allow herself to feel her grief (How Psychotherapy Helps You to Expand Your Window of Tolerance).

As Nina's ability to experience her emotions expanded, she felt relieved to experience her emotions rather than suppress them.  Her headaches and fatigue disappeared and, overall, she felt better.  She realized that emotions came in "waves" and her fear that she would be engulfed by her grief, as if it was a tsunami, was unfounded.

Conclusion
All emotions are normal.  What you do with your emotions is the real issue.

People who have a fear of experiencing their "negative" emotions usually don't learn as a child how to feel their emotions.  As adults, they continue to suppress what they consider to be uncomfortable emotions, these emotions are often somatized (i.e., the experiencing or expressing psychological problems in a physical way) with headaches, stomachaches, back pain, and so on.

Some people "medicate" their emotional pain by drinking excessively, abusing drugs, gambling compulsively and so on, in an attempt to shut down these emotions.

Even if someone didn't learn as a child how to experience uncomfortable emotions, she can learn how to cope with emotions in a healthy way in psychotherapy.

Getting Help in Psychotherapy
If you're struggling with emotions that make you feel uncomfortable, you can learn to experience your emotions in a healthy way in psychotherapy (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A licensed mental health professional can help you to deal with emotions that make you feel uncomfortable so that you're no longer using defense mechanisms or somatizing to ward off these emotions (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Allowing yourself to experience a full range of emotions can help you to feel alive, and it can add meaning to your life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome trauma and their fear of experiencing uncomfortable emotions.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW -NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Fear and Shame Can Lead to Emotional Avoidance in Therapy

When clients come to see me for an initial consultation in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City, I usually suggest that they give me a general idea of their presenting problem during that first session rather than getting into a lot of detail.  

One important reason for that is that most people feel emotionally vulnerable during the consultation, and it can feel too exposing to them to get into a lot of details about their problems.  

During that initial consultation, it's important for the client to see if she feels comfortable enough with me before she spends time revealing the depths of her problems, which could be shame inducing and anxiety provoking in the first session.

How Your Fear and Shame Can Lead to Avoidance in Therapy

If a client feels comfortable enough with me to come to subsequent therapy sessions, he can reveal more about himself.  For someone who feels ashamed of his problems, he can gradually reveal the areas of his life that might be causing him to feel ashamed.

As the client and I develop a more trusting therapeutic alliance, the problems that are creating shame for him usually emerge.  By then, the client has a sense that I've heard a lot as a psychotherapist of 20+ years and that it's unlikely he will bring up something that I haven't already heard about and helped other clients to overcome.

As the therapeutic alliance gets stronger and trust increases, a client usually feels more comfortable allowing himself to be more emotionally vulnerable with me.

But there are some clients who avoid talking to their psychotherapist about issues that they feel ashamed about even after they've been in therapy for a while and trust their therapist about most other issues.

Some of these clients unconsciously project their own negative feelings about themselves onto their therapist.  

So, for instance, a client might blame himself and consider himself to be "a bad person" because he was sexually abused by a relative when he was a child (or for some other problem). 

Rather than recognizing that he is the one who thinks he is "bad," he projects these disowned feelings about himself onto the therapist and tells himself that the therapist is the one who would think he was a "bad person" if he divulged the sexual abuse (see my article: Overcoming the Psychological Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse).

It's unfortunate that there are clients who can go through an entire course of psychotherapy and never reveal certain things that cause them to feel ashamed.  

In these cases, I'm not talking about things that  clients don't remember, which they can't bring up because they aren't consciously aware of these issues.  I'm referring to unresolved problems that they do remember.  

These clients make an ambivalent decision not to talk to their therapist about these issues.  As a result, the therapy remains incomplete and the client doesn't get the help that he needs for this area of his life.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: How Your Fear and Shame Can Lead to Avoidance in Therapy 
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how fear and shame can be a hindrance with regard to addressing certain topics in therapy, and how a psychotherapist can address these issues in therapy:

Becky
Becky, a woman in her early 30s, began therapy to deal with anxiety that was affecting her in her personal life as well as in her career.

Prior to starting psychotherapy, Becky talked to her primary care doctor about getting a prescription for anti-anxiety medication.  Her doctor advised her to seek help in psychotherapy because he was concerned that, even though the medication would work to alleviate the medication, Becky would be reliant on the medication rather than learning coping strategies to alleviate the anxiety.  He also advised her that the medication could have side effects for her. So, instead of prescribing medication, he referred her for psychotherapy (see my article: Medication Alone Isn't As Effective As Psychotherapy to Overcome Anxiety and Depression).

During the initial stage of psychotherapy, Becky focused on the anxiety she experienced in her dating life and at work.  Her psychotherapist taught Becky coping strategies that helped to alleviate the anxiety at work, but Becky continued to feel anxious when she went out on dates.

Becky told her therapist that even when she really liked a man that she dated a few times, she felt too anxious to continue seeing him.  She would usually make some excuse to discontinue seeing him.  Then, afterwards, she would feel frustrated and sad because she felt that she might never get into a serious relationship if she continued to allow her anxiety to cut short any possibilities with the men that she met and liked.

She explained to her psychotherapist that there was a part of her that very much wanted to be in serious relationship and eventually get married and have children.  But her anxiety about getting closer to a man outweighed her desire to be in a serious relationship, and made it impossible for her to develop a relationship.

She had never been in a serious relationship before.  All of her prior relationships with men were superficial.  Her fear was that if she continued to end things before she could develop a relationship, she would be alone and lonely.

During the initial stage of psychotherapy, when her psychotherapist asked Becky questions about her childhood history, Becky denied that she had ever been abused in any way.  But, as the therapy progressed, Becky became increasingly uncomfortable because she knew that she wasn't being forthcoming about her history of sexual abuse.

Even though she didn't tell her psychotherapist about it, Becky remembered all too well that when she was five years old, she told her mother that her maternal uncle was sexually molesting her.  At first, her mother didn't believe her.  She accused Becky of making up lies and punished her.  But then one day, when her mother left Becky in the care of the maternal uncle, her mother came home to find the uncle in Becky's bedroom on top of Becky on the bed.

Her mother was very upset and threw the maternal uncle out of the house.  She took Becky to the pediatrician and told him what she witnessed when she came home.  After examining Becky, the pediatrician told the mother that there were no signs of penetration.  Then, the pediatrician called the bureau of child welfare to report the case.  The pediatrician also recommended that the mother take Becky for counseling, which her mother never did.

After the doctor's visit, her mother told her that she was "evil" for allowing the uncle to molest her.  She said that Becky must have "seduced" the uncle and he wasn't to blame for what happened.  Instead, she placed the entire blame for what happened on Becky, who believed her mother and felt deeply ashamed.

Her mother also warned Becky that if Becky told the social worker from the bureau of child welfare what happened, she would be taken away and placed in foster care.  This frightened Becky more than anything, so when the social worker interviewed Becky, she told her that she made up the story about the sexual abuse.  Becky's mother also denied seeing anything when she came home.

After that, Becky's mother told her that she should never tell anyone about this or she would be taken away from their home.  Her mother also told her that they would never discuss it again (see my article: Breaking the Family Code of Silence in a Dysfunctional Family).

In the meantime, the mother didn't allow the uncle to come to the house anymore, but the mother didn't tell other family members what happened because she was ashamed that Becky "allowed" the sexual abuse.

As a result, Becky had to be around her maternal uncle at family gatherings where he would sometimes touch her inappropriately when no one was looking.  He told her that she should never tell anyone about it, and she didn't because she believed it was her fault.

Her psychotherapist, who had dealt with many clients who had unresolved childhood trauma, sensed that Becky was avoiding talking about childhood trauma.  She didn't want to push Becky to talk about it before Becky was ready, but she also knew that if Becky continued to avoid talking about any possible abuse, this would be an obstacle to Becky making progress in therapy.

One day, when her psychotherapist sensed that Becky was opening up more and she might be receptive, the psychotherapist told Becky that she had a sense that there might be something that Becky was avoiding discussing in therapy that might be related to her discomfort with men.  She said this in a empathic and tactful way to give Becky a chance to open up.

How Your Fear and Shame Can Lead to Avoidance in Therapy

At first, Becky hesitated and then she burst into tears.  After she calmed down, she admitted to her therapist that she was, in fact, holding something back because she felt so ashamed.  But, she said, she wanted to  begin talking about it because she felt it was related to her fear of getting closer to men.

Then, she told her psychotherapist what happened to her when her maternal uncle sexually abused her from the ages of 5-12, how her mother blamed her when she initially found out about the early abuse and didn't protect her when they were at family gatherings, and how she felt too ashamed to ever tell anyone about the abuse again, which continued for several years.

She also told her therapist that, as an adult, she knew objectively that she wasn't to blame for the abuse but, on an emotional level, she still blamed herself.

Once she revealed the abuse to her psychotherapist, she felt somewhat ashamed but she mostly felt relieved not to be holding onto this secret anymore.  They were able to talk about how fearful Becky felt about revealing the abuse to her psychotherapist.

She said that, even though she realized objectively that her psychotherapist had dealt with many clients who had been sexually abused and that her therapist wouldn't blame her for it, Becky still felt on an emotional level that her therapist might see her as being "evil," like her mother did.

The more Becky was able to talk about the sexual abuse with her psychotherapist, the freer and less ashamed she felt.  Eventually, they used EMDR therapy to help Becky overcome the trauma of the childhood abuse (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy? and How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

As they worked on helping Becky to overcome the trauma with EMDR therapy, Becky began to feel more comfortable with men.

When she met a man that she really liked, she continued to date him to get to know him.  When she was ready to be sexual with him, she told him, somewhat shyly, that she had never been sexual with a man before.  She was afraid that he would laugh at her or think she was strange but, instead, he was understanding and patient with her, and their relationship eventually flourished.

Conclusion
During the initial stage of psychotherapy, it's common for clients to hesitate about revealing certain aspects of their lives, especially problems that cause them to feel emotionally vulnerable and ashamed.

The problem arises over time when clients avoid talking issues that are related to the presenting problem because they feel too ashamed to talk about it.  This hinders the therapy because the therapist isn't getting the full picture and, if clients continue to avoid talking about what they feel ashamed about, they don't overcome their shame.

When they're ready to talk about it, most people usually feel relieved after they've divulged what they've been avoiding.

Clients in therapy will often say that, after they reveal what they've been avoiding--whether it has to do with sexual abuse, problem drinking, body image problems or whatever the issue is, they feel a huge burden as been lifted from them.  Then, they and their psychotherapist can work directly on resolving the problem.

Getting Help in Therapy
Struggling on your own with unresolved problems can be frustrating and upsetting (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Developing a trusting relationship with a psychotherapist can take time, but once you develop a trusting relationship, a skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome problems that are keeping you stuck, so you can live a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help.

Once you're in therapy, even if you're not ready to completely open up about what's making you feel ashamed, it's important to talk to your psychotherapist to let her know that there's something you feel ashamed about that you're not revealing.  Then, at least, your psychotherapist will be aware that you're struggling with shame and that you need help to bring up whatever it is that you're avoiding.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW -NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Who Would You Be If You Overcame the Problems That Keep You Stuck?

Have you ever thought about what your life would be like if you overcame the problems that keep you stuck?  Who would you be?  See my article: Overcoming the Fears That Keep You Stuck.

Who Would You Be If You Overcame the Problems That Keep You Stuck?

As I've mentioned in other articles, most people begin psychotherapy with some degree of ambivalence, even if they're not aware of it at first.  The ambivalence includes a wish to resolve their problems and make changes in their life and a wish to remain the same (see my article:  Starting Psychotherapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious or Ambivalent).

Although the ambivalence is usually there from the start of therapy, most clients don't become aware of it until after they're already engaged in therapy.  It can also become an obstacle once clients actually start to overcome their problems and make changes in their life.

Clients with longstanding problems often express being happy that they're making positive changes in their life, but they might also be concerned about what this means in terms of who they are--especially if they have a strong identification with their problems.  Losing that identification can feel like they're losing a part of themselves.

Fictional Clinical Vignette:
Who Would You Be If You Overcame the Problems That Keep You Stuck?

When Jim started psychotherapy, he was in his early 30s.  He told his psychotherapist that he felt like there was a "wall" between him and other people, even people that he had relatively close relationships with, like girlfriend (see my article: How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Gradually Take Down the Wall You've Built Around Yourself).

Back when he first started therapy, he described himself as coming across as outwardly warm, friendly and gregarious.  But, within his internal world, he often felt fearful of making close emotional connections with others.  He was able to hide his fear most of the time, but he was very aware of his emotional struggles.

Although he was aware in an objective sense that he had nothing to fear from his connections with his loved ones, on an emotional level his fear, at times, was overwhelming and it was interfering with his relationship.

Jim knew that he loved his girlfriend, but he would become anxious and ambivalent about the relationship, especially when his girlfriend talked to him about moving in together when they were together for two years.

He also knew that he couldn't keep making excuses as to why they shouldn't live together "yet." And he knew that if he didn't resolve his fear of getting closer to his girlfriend, he might lose her, so he began therapy to try to overcome his fear.

When he began therapy, he described his relationships with each of his parents as being fraught with problems.  His mother could be warm and nurturing at times, but she was often emotionally disengaged from Jim and his older siblings.  From day to day, Jim and his siblings never knew what kind of mood his mother would be in.

He described his father as "a great dad" who taught Jim how to swim and play baseball when Jim was a child.  Later on, his father taught him carpentry.  He and his father bonded over these tasks, and most of the time Jim enjoyed his time with his father.  The problem was that his father also had an unpredictable temper and Jim and his family never knew when the father would blow up.  His never got physically violent, but he could be scary when he lost his temper.

Then, the father would shame and belittle Jim and his siblings.  Their mother was just as frightened of the father when the father lost his temper, so she wasn't able to protect her children from her husband's rage.  At those times, Jim felt very alone and he would hide in his room, even when his father was angry with another family member.

As Jim continued to see his psychotherapist, they discovered together that Jim's fear of getting close was related to the unpredictable moods of each of his parents.  At a young age, Jim learned to shut down emotionally and built an emotional wall around himself to protect himself from feeling too emotionally vulnerable.

As a child, this worked to keep his fear compartmentalized so he could function in the rest of his life.  But as an adult, he realized in therapy that he not only walled off his fear, he also walled off other positive feelings.  He also realized that, as an adult in a relationship, he couldn't continue to allow his fear from getting closer to his girlfriend (see my article: When You Shut Down Emotional Pain, You Also Shut Yourself Down From Potential Pleasure).

At the start of therapy, Jim told his therapist that, even though he wanted to overcome his fear of intimacy, he wanted to work slowly in therapy because he was afraid he would become overwhelmed.    Also, like every client, he needed to take time to develop a therapeutic alliance with his therapist, and this was a gradual process for him because of his fears of opening up.

After two years in therapy, Jim worked through much of his early trauma related to his family using EMDR therapy (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy? and How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR Therapy and the Brain).

There were many times when Jim needed to use several sessions after one EMDR session in order to process what came up during the EMDR session and afterwards.  His therapist told him that each person processes differently, and this seemed to be what worked best for him.

With the childhood trauma resolved, over time, Jim was more open to getting closer to his girlfriend, who was patient with him.  He eventually moved with her, and he worked in therapy on the emotional challenges that he encountered once they were living together.

Progress in therapy often involved Jim taking two steps forward and one step back (see my articles:  Progress in Psychotherapy Isn't Linear).

Both Jim and his girlfriend both agreed that he had made significant progress in therapy, but they were also both aware that Jim continued to struggle in certain areas of their relationship.  After living together for two years, his girlfriend began speaking about getting married, which frightened Jim.

Periodically, Jim and his psychotherapist would review where he was in therapy as compared to how he was when he first came.  This was helpful to Jim to see his progress, especially when he felt emotionally stuck at a new level.

During one of these conversations with his psychotherapist, Jim told her that he was happy with the progress that he had made so far, but he was fearful of any further change.  He told her that he felt like he had "carried around" a particular sense of himself and that if he was no longer fearful of getting closer to his girlfriend, he wasn't sure who he would be.

His psychotherapist explained that this is a common problem for many clients in psychotherapy as they reach a certain point in therapy, and the timing is different for everyone.  Some people become fearful that they will lose their sense of self at the start of therapy.  For other people, like Jim, they become uncomfortable with who they will be when they are resolving the last remnants of their problems.

Working on the fear of losing his sense of self was much deeper work than Jim had ever done before.  Once again, Jim told his therapist that he wanted to go slowly now that he was at this new level of working through his problems.

His psychotherapist, who was a hypnotherapist and a psychoanalyst, helped Jim to navigate this fear in a way that felt comfortable for him (see my article: What is Clinical Hypnosis?).

Now that they were at this juncture in the work, his therapist used hypnotherapy to help Jim to imagine who he would be once his presenting problems were resolved--once he no longer feared getting closer to his girlfriend and he was able to take the next step in their relationship to get married, which was something that Jim wanted when he wasn't afraid.

Using imaginal interweaves, over time, his psychotherapist helped Jim to build his sense of self confidence.  Using imaginal interweaves provided Jim with an opportunity to imagine himself allowing himself to become more emotionally intimate with his girlfriend without the fear.

Who Would You Be If You Overcame the Problems That Keep You Stuck?

In other words, he was able to put aside his fear to use his imagination to imagine his future self in a loving relationship with his current girlfriend as his wife.  This "practicing" of his future self in his imagination gave him a felt sense of what it might be like not to be fearful.  And, after a while, Jim felt that he could go ahead and propose to his girlfriend without fear.

Conclusion
When people start psychotherapy, they're usually focused on the changes they want to make in their life.  It's only after they are either at the brink of making changes or actually making changes that some clients fear that their sense of self will change in a way that would be frightening to them.

Most of the time, these fears are rooted in a unresolved early trauma that needs to be worked out in therapy in order for clients not to continue to be triggered in the present (Coping With Trauma: Becoming Aware of Your Triggers and Reacting to the Present As If It Was the Past).

With the help of their psychotherapist, many clients are able to begin letting go of the fear related to the past to make progress in therapy.

As they reach new plateaus in their progress, there can be new challenges, as there was in the fictional vignette above where Jim was able to get relatively closer to his girlfriend, but felt the fear again as he thought about he getting even more emotionally intimate with her.

Hypnotherapy with imaginal interweaves can be especially helpful for the client to "practice" seeing his future self and getting comfortable with his new sense of self while his therapist maintains an emotionally safe and empathic treatment environment in the therapy sessions (The Creation of the Holding Environment in Psychotherapy).

Getting Help in Therapy
Change is a process.  At various points in the process, new challenges can arise in therapy, including a concern about who would you be if you overcame your problems (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Working with a skilled mental health professional who is licensed can make all the difference between succeeding or failing in your attempts to make changes and to do it in a way that feels safe to you (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

If you're struggling with unresolved problems, you owe it to yourself to get help so you can free yourself from your history to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.