Making a Change Requires Taking Action: Psychotherapy Can Help When You Feel Stuck

Developing insight into your problems is a necessary part of psychotherapy.  But if you want to make changes in your life, you also need to take action.  In most cases, insight alone isn't enough to bring about lasting change (see my article:  Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy is "All Talk and No Action" and Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're Weak).

Making a Change Requires Taking Action: Psychotherapy Can Help

Making a Change Can Be Challenging
There's no doubt that making a change can be difficult, especially if it's a significant change from what you've always done in the past.

People usually experience some ambivalence, even for changes that they really want to make, and this ambivalence can play out in your psychotherapy (see my article: Starting Psychotherapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious or Ambivalent).

Making a Commitment and a Plan to Change Usually Helps
Having a strong commitment to change can be helpful to overcome your ambivalence.

As opposed to having some vague idea of what to accomplish, having a plan can help you to start taking steps.  This plan doesn't have to be carved in stone.  It can be flexible enough to change with your developing sense of self, what you want, and your circumstances.  But you want to have the sense of moving forward rather than stagnating.

Overcoming Unconscious Saboteurs Within You
Progress, especially personal progress, is rarely linear.  Usually, along the way, you take two steps forward and one step backwards.

When you're ambivalent, it can be very helpful to give each part of yourself that has different feelings a "voice" to express the ambivalence--whether you do this with your psychotherapist using Ego States therapy or you do it on your own at home by writing (see my article: Having a Dialogue in Writing With the Different Parts of Yourself).

There might be unconscious parts of yourself that are sabotaging your progress.  For instance, there might be a part of you that feels, "You don't deserve to change" or "You don't deserve to have anything good in your life."

These unconscious parts can act as internal saboteurs and get in your way.

Once you've discovered the part or parts of yourself that are holding you back, you can address those parts to find out why they're afraid of making the change.  Then, you can find out from them what they need to feel reassured--whether it involves taking small incremental steps to accomplish your goals or taking care of that part of you, which might be traumatized, in therapy.

This is obviously easier if you're in therapy with a psychotherapist who does Ego States therapy,  some form of parts work therapy or a technique called the Affect Bridge in clinical hypnosis.

Until that unconscious part of you is discovered and addressed, you might keep looping around your goal without understanding what's getting in your way.

Who or What is Holding You Back From Making Changes?  
Aside from your ambivalence or unconscious internal saboteurs, another problem that could be holding you back is if you're working with a psychotherapist who believes that making a change, any kind of change, takes a very long time (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy Takes a Long Time).

I've heard this idea again and again from many psychotherapists, especially psychotherapists who tend to work in an outmoded way, spend their time among other psychotherapists who have the same traditional beliefs, and who haven't updated their skills.

This is how they were trained a long time ago, and this is what they continue to believe despite the many changes that have been made in the mental health field (see my article: A Psychotherapist's Beliefs About Psychotherapy Affect How Your Psychotherapist Works With You).

While it's certainly true that change is a process and some changes can take a long time, when a psychotherapist believes that all changes take a very long time, that's how this psychotherapist will approach your problems.  Then, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

In some cases, it might be true that it's too soon, especially if the client is emotionally fragile and wants to take action that would be emotionally harmful to him or her.  In those cases, the psychotherapist is being a responsible mental health professional.

If you're honest with yourself, you can determine whether you're holding yourself back or if you're in a therapy where you're being held back.  If it's the former, as I mentioned before, it's important to discover what's going on in your inner world that's holding you back whether you do this on your own or with your psychotherapist.  If it's the latter, you might need to find a new psychotherapist, especially if you've been going around in circles for a long time.

Sometimes, it's a combination of the former and the latter--there's an unconscious collusion between the client and the psychotherapist where both of them are unaware that they're getting in the way of the client making changes.

Getting Help in Therapy
When you go for a consultation with a psychotherapist, ask the therapist what his or her philosophy is about psychotherapy and change.

This is not about asking "How long will it take for me to change?" because no one can predict that.  Rather, it's about asking the therapist about his or her general philosophy about therapy and making changes (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

If you've been trying unsuccessfully on your own to make changes in your life, you could benefit from working with a contemporary psychotherapist who works in a dynamic, interactive way, as opposed to a psychotherapist who believes that all change takes a very long time (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

By being proactive with regard to finding the psychotherapist who is right for you and making the changes that you want to make, you can make greater progress in your therapy and in your life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples in a contemporary and dynamic interactive way.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Psychotherapy Can Help Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: The Golden Child

In my prior article, The Roles of Children in Dysfunctional Families, I discussed the various roles that parents with narcissistic traits assign, consciously or unconsciously, to the children in the family (see my article: Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families).

How Psychotherapy Can Help Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: The Golden Child

As I mentioned in my prior article, the most common roles for children of dysfunctional families are the following:

• scapegoat (see my article: The Role of the Family Scapegoat in a Dysfunctional Family)
• hero/responsible child (see my article: The Trauma of the Hero in a Dysfunctional Family
• invisible/lost child
• golden child (the focus of this article)
• caretaker/placater (see my article: How to Stop Being the Rescuer in Your Family of Origin)
• mascot/clown

The Golden Child
In this article, I'm focusing on one of the roles, the golden child, with a fictional clinical vignette with a typical scenario to show how psychotherapy can help an adult who was traumatized by being forced into this role as a child.

As mentioned in the prior article, the golden child is usually the parents' favorite child because this child is seen by them as an extension of one or both parents.

He or she is seen as the "perfect" child.  As a result, the parents live vicariously through this child.  Rather than being seen and valued for his or her inner qualities, the golden child is usually valued for physical attractiveness.

As in the other roles, the child's emotional needs are subordinated to the parents' needs.  As a result, one or both parents often establish an enmeshed relationship with this child (see my article: Overcoming Shame: Enmeshed Families).

Fictional Clinical Vignette: How Psychotherapy Can Help Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families - The Golden Child:

Jane
Jane, who was in her late 20s, told her new psychotherapist that she wanted to start psychotherapy because, a few years after she had jaw surgery, she developed sagging skin around her jaw line.

Jane explained to her therapist that she was so upset because, before she had surgery, she had an attractive, youthful appearance.  But shortly after the surgery, she noticed that the skin around her jaw was noticeably sagging and it made her look older and less attractive.

She had a consultation with a plastic surgeon who told her that she could have surgery to lift the sagging skin, but Jane wasn't sure if she wanted to go through another surgery.

Jane told her psychotherapist that she grew up always being praised for her attractiveness by both parents, especially her mother.  Her mother, who seemed to be very conscious of her own looks, often confided in Jane that of her five siblings, she considered Jane to be the most attractive and the most like her.

How Psychotherapy Can Help Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: The Golden Child

As a child, Jane was aware that she was her parents' favorite child based primarily on her looks.  She felt fortunate to be attractive and to be her parents' favorite, especially when she considered how her other siblings were treated by her parents.  Her mother used to call Jane "my perfect child."

Prior to the surgery, Jane did everything she could to remain young looking and attractive, and she continued to get her mother's praise and attention.  Her mother was extra generous with Jane, as compared to Jane's siblings, and often treated Jane to expensive clothes and spa treatments.

Throughout high school and college, Jane was conscious that she could use her attractiveness and charm to get what she wanted from young men, friends and even college professors.  She felt she also used her attractiveness to excel in her career.

But after the surgery, when Jane and her mother began to notice the change in her appearance, her mother had a strong negative reaction to Jane's sagging skin, which hurt Jane a lot.  Her mother physically recoiled when she noticed the change in Jane's appearance, and she told Jane that she no longer looked as attractive.

This precipitated a change in her mother's attitude towards Jane.  She no longer invited Jane out to go shopping for clothes or for spa treatments.  Instead, her mother invited Jane's younger sister, Beth, and praised Beth for being the most attractive child and the most like her mother.

Whereas Jane and her mother used to spend a lot of time together, now her mother made up excuses for not wanting to spend time with Jane.  This was devastating to Jane, who used to relish the attention she got from her mother.

Her mother's change in attitude as well as Jane's own new self doubts about her appearance caused Jane to lose confidence in herself.  She no longer felt confident talking to men at parties or going out on sales calls for her job the way she used to do.

This resulted in social isolation and problems with regard to her job performance.  After her manager  admonished Jane for not bringing in enough business, Jane knew she had to get help in therapy.

Jane told her psychotherapist that, unlike when she was a child, she felt mature enough now to understand that focusing only on her looks was shallow.  She wanted to feel good about herself regardless of her looks.  But what bothered her the most was realizing that her parents, especially her mother, valued her most for her looks and now that her looks had changed, she felt emotionally abandoned by her parents.

After Jane's psychotherapist listened to Jane describe her presenting problems, she discussed the role of the golden child and how Jane's childhood history reflected that Jane was placed in that particular role in her family.

Looking at pictures that Jane brought in of her appearance before and after the surgery, the psychotherapist also recognized that, although Jane's looks changed somewhat after the surgery, Jane's view of herself was distorted.  Jane's appearance was nowhere near as changed as she believed it to be.

As they continued to work together in therapy, Jane's psychotherapist helped Jane to see how she was affected by the rigid role that she was placed in as a child primarily by her mother.

She also helped Jane to see that, although her mother's extra attention prior to the surgery was gratifying to Jane, it was also very damaging because her mother valued Jane for her outer appearance rather than who Jane was as a person.  Although Jane's view of herself was distorted, it did not meet the criteria for body dysmorphic disorder.

In addition, her psychotherapist helped Jane develop insight into how the focus on her looks kept Jane from developing her inner world.

When Jane's psychotherapist assessed that Jane was ready to work on the affect of her traumatic experiences related to her family, she recommended that they use EMDR therapy to work on the trauma (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

The work in therapy was neither fast nor easy because Jane was attempting to see herself in a new way and to overcome long ingrained patterns.  But, gradually over time, Jane developed a stronger sense of self as she worked through her traumatic experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional family.

She also realized that the change in her appearance wasn't nearly as big as she originally thought.  In addition, she learned to value herself for her inner qualities rather than focusing on her external appearance.  This gave her the self confidence that she needed in her interpersonal relationships and in her career.

Conclusion
Adult children of dysfunctional families often carry the emotional burden of their childhood trauma into adulthood where it has a negative impact on their sense of self, their personal relationships and, possibly, their career.

The impact of growing up in a dysfunctional family can take many different forms that might not become apparent until adulthood.

Getting Help in Therapy
A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome traumatic experiences so that you can live free of the impact of your traumatic family history (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Rather than struggling on your own, you could get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Unburdened by a dysfunctional family history, you can live a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am a trauma-informed psychotherapist, and one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome traumatic experiences.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families

Children of dysfunctional families are often placed in rigid roles by parents to meet the parents' narcissistic needs.  These roles don't take into account the children's emotional needs and, as result, these dynamics are traumatic for the children.  As adult children, these same people often continue to function in these roles with their families and in other relationships.  In my next article, I'll discuss how psychotherapy helps adult children of dysfunctional families to overcome these unhealthy patterns (see my article: Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families).

The Roles of Children in Dysfunctional Families 

Roles of Children in Dysfunctional Families

The following are some of the most typical roles of children in dysfunctional families:

• Scapegoat Child
• Hero/Responsible Child
• Invisible/Lost Child
• Golden Child
• Caretaker/Placater Child
• Mascot/Clown Child

• Scapegoat Child:  The role of the scapegoat child is to carry the family shame.  This child is seen as being inferior.  Even though the family often has many other serious problems, he is usually the "designated patient" when the family comes to family therapy.  One or both parents will often tell the family therapist that, except for problems with this child, the family has no other problems which, of course, usually isn't true.  Although this child might spend his whole life trying to get his parents' approval, he can almost never live up to the parents' expectations because his parents won't allow it.  They need him to continue to function in his designated role of being the scapegoat.  This often results in the scapegoat child rebelling because of the emotional burden placed on him to carry the family's problems.  This can lead to real problems outside the home as this child tries to get his parents' attention--whether it's positive or negative attention (see my article:  The Role of the Family Scapegoat in a Dysfunctional Family).

• The Hero/Responsible Child:  Typically, the role of the hero/responsible child is assigned to the oldest child in the family.  This child takes on the role of the parent (often referred to as the "parentified child").  Trying to be "perfect" to meet the parents' expectations, this child will often try to be the best academically or in sports to gratify the parents' narcissistic needs.  This is the child that the parents will often point to when they want to look good to outsiders.  This child is aware that if she isn't "perfect" in her parents' eyes, her parents might make her the scapegoat child, which this child wants to avoid at all costs--no matter how stressful it is for her to try to function in the hero/responsible child.  As a result, she develops into someone who is self critical and critical of others.  She often feels ashamed because she knows deep down that she's not perfect (see my article: The Trauma of the Family Hero in a Dysfunctional Family and The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame).

• The Invisible Child/Lost Child:  The child who is placed in the invisible child role is ignored.  Receiving neither praise nor criticism from the parents, this child is seen as having no value in terms of gratifying the narcissistic parents' needs, which is why she is ignored.  In order to protect herself, this child might withdraw emotionally and isolate.  She often doesn't develop the necessary interpersonal skills to interact effectively with others.  As a result, this child has difficulty allowing others into her inner emotional world.  She usually grows up feeling unlovable and these feelings often continue into adulthood (see my articles: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated, Are You Feeling Lost? and Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

• The Golden Child:  The child who is in the role of being the golden child is the favorite of one of one or both parents.  The parents are unaware that this child (or any of the other children in the other roles) has his own subjectivity.  This child is seen as an extension of one or both parents so that they can live through this child.  She is the "perfect" child in the parents' eyes.  Rather than being seen for her inner qualities, this child is often valued for being physically attractive.  This is an emotional burden, especially as this child becomes an adult, ages and no longer is as attractive as she once was as a child.  Since the golden child is valued mostly for outer appearances, she believes that her looks are all that she has to offer.  The parents often establish an enmeshed relationship with this child (see my article: Overcoming Shame: Enmeshed Families).

• The Caretaker/Placater Child:  This child is assigned the role of been the people pleaser and rescuer in the family.  Her sense of self is defined in terms of what she can do for others rather than focusing on herself.  She is selfless and she doesn't ask for help for herself.  She grows up often not knowing her own emotional needs or how to get her own needs met (see my articles:  How to Stop Being the Rescuer in Your Family of Origin, Overcoming Your Need to Be Everyone's Caretaker and Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing).

• The Mascot/Clown Child:  The child who is in the mascot/clown role is constantly joking and clowning around to divert the family's attention away from their dysfunctional patterns.  Although this child might appear on the surface to be happy, he suppresses his own emotional needs and uses the clowning around as a defense against these needs.  Beyond their humorous facade, these children (and later on as adults) struggle with feelings of loneliness and emptiness.  They are often drawn to become performers as adults (although not all performers were mascot/clown children).

Aside from the roles that I mentioned above, there are other ways that parents in dysfunctional families assign rigid roles to children.

For instance, if there are two daughters, one of them might be designated by one or both parents as "the pretty one" and the other one could be designated as "the intelligent one."

Like the other roles, these rigid roles have nothing to do with whether one child is more attractive or more intelligent.  The designation of these roles are based solely on the emotional needs of the parents.

As I mentioned earlier, I'll discuss how psychotherapy can help you if, as an adult, you continue to struggle with a rigid role in a dysfunctional family.

Getting Help in Therapy
There is a heavy emotional price to pay if you were assigned into a rigid role in a dysfunctional family.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you to transcend the narrow role that you were placed in as a child (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you overcome the traumatic experiences of not being seen and valued for who you really as an individual (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

By breaking out of a dysfunctional role, you can be more authentic and live a more fulfilling life (see my article: Becoming Your True Self).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping adults to overcome traumatic experiences.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Change Distorted Thinking

In my prior article, I described the various forms of cognitive distortions that often create unhappiness.  In this article, I'm focusing on how psychotherapy can help you to overcome cognitive distortions.

How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Change Distorted Thinking

Psychotherapists are trained to detect cognitive distortions, which, as I mentioned in my prior article, include:

• Taking things personally
• Jumping to conclusions
• Catastrophizing
• Overgeneralization
• Fallacy of fairness
• Blaming or Externalizing
• Emotional reasoning
• A need to be right
• All or nothing thinking
• Filtering

Aside from bringing these distortions in thinking to a clients' attention, a psychotherapist will often help clients to identify the origin of these thoughts and help clients to change their pattern of thinking so that it is healthier and more effective.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Change Distorted Thinking

Sam
Sam began psychotherapy at the suggestion of his wife after they had another argument where Sam insisted that he was right and his wife was wrong.

Subsequently, Sam realized that they each had a different way of looking at the situation that they were arguing about and, as it turned out, his wife was correct, which disturbed Sam very much.

Sam told his psychotherapist during their initial consultation that he hated to be wrong because it made him feel "stupid" and ashamed.  Although he apologized to his wife, he realized that there were many times when he had arguments with his wife when he insisted that he was right and afterwards he realized that his wife was correct.

In hindsight, Sam recognized that none of these arguments were about anything important.  They were about everyday issues, but he had such strong feelings about being right and it disturbed him greatly when it turned out that he had made a mistake (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes).

He realized that his need to be right was having a negative impact on his marriage, and he feared that if he didn't overcome this problem, his marriage might not survive.

During his next therapy session, Sam revealed that his need to be right started when he was a young child.  Growing up with two highly critical parents, Sam learned early on that they became upset whenever he made a mistake, especially his father.

Whenever Sam made a mistake, whether it was at school or at home and no matter how small the mistake was, his parents let him know that they were disappointed in him.  They would withdraw emotionally from him, which led to his feeling ashamed whenever he was wrong.

As a result, whenever there was a possibility of Sam being wrong, he would become highly anxious because he didn't want to make his parents unhappy.  He especially didn't want them to withdraw from him emotionally.

Since his childhood, he felt it was unacceptable for him to be wrong.  Logically, he understood that everyone makes mistakes but, on an emotionally level, he would panic if he thought there was even a possibility of being wrong or making a mistake.

Rather than admit that he might be wrong or he might have made a mistake, he would insist that he was right.  It was like a knee jerk reaction that he had, which was preferable to him than considering the possibility that he might be wrong and all that this implied for him.

This created problems for him in his career as well as in his friendships.  Now, it was creating problems between Sam and his wife because she was fed up with it.

Over time, Sam's psychotherapist helped Sam to recognize that panicky feeling by helping him to be aware of what he was feeling physically in his body at those times.

At first, Sam had difficulty with this because he wasn't accustomed to identify where he felt emotions in his body.  But, over time, using the mind-body connection and a recent memory of having an argument with his wife when he insisted that he was right, Sam's therapist helped him to identify that he felt panic in his stomach.

As time went on, Sam's therapist helped him to make the emotional connection between his current panic and how anxious he felt as a child whenever his parents criticized him for his mistakes.

Sam and his therapist also used EMDR therapy to work through his childhood trauma.

Since EMDR therapy addresses the past, present and future, eventually, Sam was able to work through the past and tolerate being wrong in the present with his wife and others.  He no longer had the need to insist that he was always right, and he and his wife got along better.

Conclusion
Cognitive distortions can create personal unhappiness as well as problems in relationships.

The fictional vignette above addresses a particular type of cognitive distortion, the need to be right, and shows how therapy helps clients to work through the underlying issues involved as well as address current and future circumstances.  A skilled psychotherapist can address other forms of cognitive distortion as well.

Getting Help in Therapy
Even when you have insight into your distorted thinking, it's difficult to change these problems on your own (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to work through the underlying issues that created the distortions and help you to free yourself from a difficult personal history (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Become Aware of Distorted Thinking

Psychotherapy can help you to become aware of a distorted pattern of thinking, which could be contributing to your unhappiness.  Prior to beginning psychotherapy, most clients are unaware of their particular pattern of thinking.  A skilled psychotherapist can assist clients to change their distorted thinking (also called cognitive distortions).  In Part 1 of this topic, I'm focusing on the various types of cognitive distortions.  In Part 2, I'll discuss how psychotherapy can help to overcome cognitive distortions.

How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Become Aware of  Distorted Thinking 

Distorted Thinking/Cognitive Distortions
There are many ways that a particular pattern of thinking can create problems without people even realizing it.  These patterns are distortions in thinking and often begin early in life.  Another term for distorted thinking or cognitive distortions is errors in thinking.

Here are some of the most common cognitive distortions:

• Taking Things Personally:  People who tend to take things personally see others' words and deeds as being directed at them when they're not.  For instance, if your boss comes to work in a bad mood and seems annoyed, someone who takes things personally might think that the boss is angry with him.  But, in reality, the boss is looking annoyed because he had an argument with his wife before he came to work, and his mood has nothing to do with anyone else.

• Jumping to Conclusions:  People who jump to conclusions will make assumptions without having objective facts, and they will assume that they're right.  The example that I gave above about the moody boss is one way of jumping to conclusions.  

• Catastrophizing: Simply put, catastrophizing is when a person expects the worst in most situations. His fears are usually exaggerated without sufficient evidence for this type of fear. An example of catastrophizing would be if a person hears a weather report that indicates there will be 1-2 inches of snow and makes the assumption that there will be a gigantic snowstorm where he might not be able to leave the house.  The weather report becomes exaggerated in his mind and he becomes highly anxious when there is no objective reason to believe there will be a storm.

• Overgeneralization:  People who engage in overgeneralization often take one or two instances of something happening and make the assumption that this is how it is always.  For instance, if someone has a negative encounter with a postal employee at the post office and, based on that one experience, he says that all postal employees are rude.  This is an overgeneralization.  

• Fallacy of Fairness:  Many children grow up thinking that the world should be "fair" and, as adults, when they encounter situations which are "unfair," it contradicts their way of thinking.  Without even realizing it, many people carry this belief from childhood into adulthood.  This type of belief can be very subtle, and it's ingrained in our culture that if you are "good," good things will come to you and if you're "bad," bad things will come your way. As an example, someone who believes that he lives in a world where justice prevails might be disillusioned and confused when someone who assaulted him suffers no legal consequences because of a technicality in the law. 

• Blaming or Externalizing:  When people have a tendency to engage in blaming others (also known as externalizing), they don't take responsibility for their own thinking, feelings or actions.  Instead of looking at themselves first, they point the finger at someone else to avoid taking responsibility.  An example of this is when someone drives while intoxicated after having an argument with his significant other.  Rather than taking responsibility for using poor judgment by drinking and driving, he blames his significant other for "making" him angry.

• Emotional Reasoning: Emotional reasoning is when a person assumes that his thoughts and feelings are facts.  An example of this would be a person has strong feelings about a coworker and makes the assumption based solely on his emotions that his feelings are true without having objective facts (see my article:  Discovering That Your Feelings Aren't Facts).

• The Need to Be Right:  The need to be right involves a need to prove that one's opinion, feelings or actions are correct even in the face of contrary facts.  As an example, a person who needs to be right often won't listen to what her significant other is saying because she "knows" that what she's thinking is right and her significant other is wrong.  The need to be right goes beyond having a different opinion.  This person's shaky sense of self worth is based on being right.

• All or Nothing Thinking: (see my article: Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking).

• Filtering:  Filtering involves paying attention to only certain aspects of a situation and not to others.  For instance, a person who tends to engage in filtering might only pay attention to the negative side of a situation rather than looking at the whole picture which includes positive aspects because the negative side confirms his opinion.  

In my next article, I'll discuss how psychotherapists help clients to overcome cognitive distortions: How Psychotherapy Can Help You Change Distorted Thinking.

Getting Help in Therapy

Psychotherapy can help you to overcome psychological obstacles that are getting in the way of your maximizing your potential (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist helps clients to overcome problems that keep clients feeling stuck whether it's related to a history of psychological trauma or more recent problems (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than suffering on your own, you could work with an experienced mental health professional who can help you to overcome your problems so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Nostalgia: A Portal to the Past

Nostalgia is defined as a sentimental longing involving memories from the past, as in "the good old days."  Nostalgia is often bittersweet because, even though there might be an immersion into happy memories, there is also a sadness that the people, places or things related to the past are no longer in the present.

Nostalgia: A Portal to the Past

Nostalgia As a Portal to the Past
Nostalgia is a portal to the past--an actual past or, at times, an imaginary past.  Since memory can be inaccurate, nostalgia is often an idealized representation of the past, and it tends to be colored by what's happening in the present.

For instance, if someone is currently single, lonely and longing to be in a relationship, she might look back with fond memories to a time when she was in a romantic relationship.  She might idealize this past relationship and look back on it wistfully as being a completely happy time when, in fact, there might have been serious problems in that relationship.  In order to preserve this ideal, she might forget, without even realizing it, that there were times when she was very unhappy in that relationship.

This idealization often serves the purpose of having the internal experience of a happier time, a time when that can be relived in memory as a person now perceives the past.  So, there can be a psychological compensatory effect to nostalgia.

Book: In Search of Lost Time - By Marcel Proust
There are many ways in which people are transported back into the past, and literature offers many examples of this.

One of the most famous examples in literature is in In Search of Lost Time by the French novelist, Marcel Proust.

In Volume One, Swanns Way, the narrator, Marcel, has a memory of going to bed early as a boy and waiting for his mother's good night kiss.

Later on in the novel, Marcel's early memories are suddenly prompted when he tastes a madeleine cookie that he dips in tea.  Memories of his childhood experiences at his Aunt Leonie's home in Combray (now known as Illier-Combray, France) and other memories of earlier times come back to him in a nostalgic experience of involuntary memory.

During a trip to Paris a couple of years ago, I went to visit the Proust Museum, which is Proust's aunt's home in Illier-Combray as he described it in Swanns Way.  Having read his novel, I was quite moved to see the house preserved as the narrator described it in Swanns Way.  Just being able to walk through the rooms and remember various scenes from the book made the story come alive.

Film: Time Regained by Raul Ruiz: Nostalgia as a Psychologically Integrative Experience
Nostalgia can also be evoked by looking at old pictures.

In the beautiful movie, Time Regained, the Chilean filmmaker, Raul Ruiz, adapts the last book of Proust's seven-volume novel starting with a scene of Marcel Proust on his sick bed close to death.

Early on in the film, Marcel asks his housekeeper, Celeste, to bring him pictures that are in a drawer.  As he looks at these old pictures of his friends, family members and romantic partners, he is transported back in his memory to earlier times from childhood to adulthood.  He becomes immersed in these memories as he is slipping away into death.

As Marcel relives these times of joy and sadness, he is having a psychologically integrative experience of his past and present, which is beautifully rendered in the film.

Similar to the process of Life Review for older adults, the experience of nostalgia, especially as it is rendered in the film, Time Regained, highlights another positive aspect of nostalgia, which is a psychologically integrative experience where the past and present come together to add depth and meaning to a life lived.

I recently began rereading In Search of Lost Time and, in rereading it, I'm reminded that when we return to a masterpiece like this, our own life experience affects how we experience a novel when we revisit it more than 20 years later.

I also saw the film, Time Regained, again recently--the first time that I've seen it in almost 20 years.  This was another reminder of how time and memory can affect an experience.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Walking in Nature Can Improve Your Mood

Research studies have shown that city dwellers who don't have access to nature are more likely to develop anxiety and depression as compared with people who have access to green spaces (see New York Times article:  How Walking in Nature Changes Your Brain).

Walking in Nature Can Improve Your Mood

Research Study: Walking in Nature Can Improve Your Mood

A research study published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences revealed that walking in nature (as opposed to walking on a highway) lowered the volunteers' propensity for brooding (also known as morbid rumination) as demonstrated in the before and after questionnaires that the volunteers took.

According to this study, the volunteers who walked in nature focused less on the negative aspects of their lives (as compared with the volunteers who walked on the highway).

This research suggests that walking in nature can help to improve your mood.

Questions still remain:

• How much time in nature is sufficient to improve mood?  
• What aspects of nature are most soothing?  
• Besides walking, what other types of activities in nature have beneficial effects?

Further research will be needed to answer those questions.

The Other Benefits of Walking

Aside from lifting your mood, a regular walking routine can help you to lose weight.

In addition, walking can help prevent heart disease, high blood pressure and diabetes.  

Walking can also help build strong bones.

Getting Started and Staying Motivated to Walk in Nature

One way to get motivated is to have a walking buddy and to decide in advance how often and what days and times you will both get together to walk in nature.

Having a walking buddy is beneficial for social support.  It also helps on the days when you might want to skip the walk and your walking buddy encourages you to get going.  You can also provide the same encourage to your walking buddy when your buddy might want to slack off.

Always check with your medical doctor before you start any new physical regimen.

Getting Help in Therapy

Walking in nature has been shown to improve your mood, but if you still struggle with depression or anxiety, you could benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Everyone needs help at some point in his or her life.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to work through your problems so that you can have a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than suffering on your own, get help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.