Nostalgia: A Portal to the Past

Nostalgia is defined as a sentimental longing involving memories from the past, as in "the good old days."  Nostalgia is often bittersweet because, even though there might be an immersion into happy memories, there is also a sadness that the people, places or things related to the past are no longer in the present.

Nostalgia: A Portal to the Past

Nostalgia As a Portal to the Past
Nostalgia is a portal to the past--an actual past or, at times, an imaginary past.  Since memory can be inaccurate, nostalgia is often an idealized representation of the past, and it tends to be colored by what's happening in the present.

For instance, if someone is currently single, lonely and longing to be in a relationship, she might look back with fond memories to a time when she was in a romantic relationship.  She might idealize this past relationship and look back on it wistfully as being a completely happy time when, in fact, there might have been serious problems in that relationship.  In order to preserve this ideal, she might forget, without even realizing it, that there were times when she was very unhappy in that relationship.

This idealization often serves the purpose of having the internal experience of a happier time, a time when that can be relived in memory as a person now perceives the past.  So, there can be a psychological compensatory effect to nostalgia.

Book: In Search of Lost Time - By Marcel Proust
There are many ways in which people are transported back into the past, and literature offers many examples of this.

One of the most famous examples in literature is in In Search of Lost Time by the French novelist, Marcel Proust.

In Volume One, Swanns Way, the narrator, Marcel, has a memory of going to bed early as a boy and waiting for his mother's good night kiss.

Later on in the novel, Marcel's early memories are suddenly prompted when he tastes a madeleine cookie that he dips in tea.  Memories of his childhood experiences at his Aunt Leonie's home in Combray (now known as Illier-Combray, France) and other memories of earlier times come back to him in a nostalgic experience of involuntary memory.

During a trip to Paris a couple of years ago, I went to visit the Proust Museum, which is Proust's aunt's home in Illier-Combray as he described it in Swanns Way.  Having read his novel, I was quite moved to see the house preserved as the narrator described it in Swanns Way.  Just being able to walk through the rooms and remember various scenes from the book made the story come alive.

Film: Time Regained by Raul Ruiz: Nostalgia as a Psychologically Integrative Experience
Nostalgia can also be evoked by looking at old pictures.

In the beautiful movie, Time Regained, the Chilean filmmaker, Raul Ruiz, adapts the last book of Proust's seven-volume novel starting with a scene of Marcel Proust on his sick bed close to death.

Early on in the film, Marcel asks his housekeeper, Celeste, to bring him pictures that are in a drawer.  As he looks at these old pictures of his friends, family members and romantic partners, he is transported back in his memory to earlier times from childhood to adulthood.  He becomes immersed in these memories as he is slipping away into death.

As Marcel relives these times of joy and sadness, he is having a psychologically integrative experience of his past and present, which is beautifully rendered in the film.

Similar to the process of Life Review for older adults, the experience of nostalgia, especially as it is rendered in the film, Time Regained, highlights another positive aspect of nostalgia, which is a psychologically integrative experience where the past and present come together to add depth and meaning to a life lived.

I recently began rereading In Search of Lost Time and, in rereading it, I'm reminded that when we return to a masterpiece like this, our own life experience affects how we experience a novel when we revisit it more than 20 years later.

I also saw the film, Time Regained, again recently--the first time that I've seen it in almost 20 years.  This was another reminder of how time and memory can affect an experience.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Get "Unstuck" So You Can Free Yourself From Living in the Past

In my prior article, Getting Stuck in the Past and Dwelling on "What Could Have Been," I gave the example of a composite case to illustrate a common problem that many people have when they get stuck in the past and indulge themselves in fantasies about how wonderful life "could have been."  In this article, I'll show how therapy can help a client to overcome this problem and give some tips that I hope will be helpful.

Ann
At the point where we left off in my last article, Ann felt stuck emotionally as she pined for the life she fantasized that she could have had with Bill if only she hadn't ended their relationship several years before.

How to Get "Unstuck" So You Can Free Yourself From Living in the Past

Ann followed Bill's life on his Facebook page.   As she read about how happy he was, she regretted breaking up with him.  When she ended their relationship, she felt they each wanted different things in their lives.   But now that she was reading about how happy he was and how much fun he was having, she felt she made a mistake.  She compared her life to his and she felt her life was dull.

The worst part was seeing the pictures of Bill with his new girlfriend, which made Ann feel jealous and made her regret even more that she ended her relationship with him.  She knew that the more she looked at his Facebook page, the more unhappy she felt, but she couldn't stop herself.  It had become an obsession that she felt embarrassed about.

Since she was so focused on Bill, she wasn't giving herself a chance to get to know other men.  When she went out on dates, she compared her experience to the life she felt she could have had with Bill and each man came up short.

As further "proof" that she had made a mistake by breaking up with Bill and missed a chance to be happy, she thought about the relationships that didn't work out since she broke up with Bill.

On some level, Ann knew that she was making herself miserable, but she felt powerless to do anything about it, which is why she began therapy.

How to Get "Unstuck" So You Can Free Yourself From Living in the Past

In her therapy sessions, we worked on distinguishing her fantasies from the reality of her past experiences in her former relationship with Bill.

At the point where she broke up with him, she knew the relationship wasn't right for her. Ann was able to concede this in our sessions.  But she couldn't get over the feeling that his new girlfriend was "reaping the rewards" of a more mature, responsible Bill and that if Ann had only stuck it out, she would be happier now.  Ann was filled with regret about this.

We also talked about how someone's Facebook page isn't always a reliable source of information about how things are in his or her life.  Ann knew this in theory, but she felt sure that Bill and his new girlfriend really were having a wonderful life together--a life that she could have had with him if she hadn't  broken up with him.

Ann was aware, at least on an intellectual level, that if she was happier in her own life, she wouldn't be so focused on Bill.  Her obsession was a distraction and defense against taking responsibility for her own happiness as opposed to imagining what life could have/would have been with Bill.

Her obsession also kept her from looking at her own patterns for choosing men that resulted in unhappy relationships (see my article:  Learning to Make Better Choices in Romantic Relationships).

As Ann began focusing more on herself and less on her fantasies about Bill, she began to take steps to improve her own life.  This helped her to feel more empowered.

Since she was bored at work, she began a job search to find a job that would be more enriching.  Once she began the search, she discovered that her skills and experience were in demand, and she had her choice of several good jobs.

She also realized that she wanted to travel more, and her obsession with Bill had kept her from making plans.  So, she took a much needed vacation that she really enjoyed.

How to Get "Unstuck" So You Can Free Yourself From Living in the Past

In the meantime, she heard from a former college friend, who remained friends with Bill, that his life wasn't all that it seemed to be on social media.  Despite the happy photos that continued to appear on his Facebook page, he and his new girlfriend weren't getting along--for many of the same reasons that caused Ann to end her relationship with him.  He continued to have a hard time settling down and being responsible.  Ann also found out that he had mismanaged his business, and he was about to declare bankruptcy.

Although she was sorry to hear that Bill's life wasn't all that it seemed on Facebook, this new information from her friend was a wake up call for Ann and put to rest any illusions and fantasies that she had.

How to Get "Unstuck" So You  Can Free Yourself From Living in the Past

Once she was able to put her fantasies about Bill aside, she became more fully engaged in her own life.  She became more open about looking at her pattern of choosing men.  She also became more open with the men that she was meeting and stopped comparing them to fantasies.

As Ann became more involved in her own life, things began to improve for her.

Some Tips on Getting "Unstuck" to Free Yourself From Living in the Past:

• It's easy to get caught up in fantasies and remain tied to a past that no longer exists (and, possibly, never existed outside of your fantasies).  Living life in the present is harder.
• Staying focused on the past keeps you from making changes in the present.
• Remember that people's Facebook page often isn't a true reflection of what's really going on in their lives.
• Remember that your thoughts and feelings aren't "facts" and what you imagine to be true might not be the case.  Just because you believe something to be true doesn't make it true.
• If you find yourself obsessively dwelling on the past and telling yourself that you could have been happier in a relationship or situation from the past, rather than giving these thoughts more power, be as objective as you can and question your thoughts.  
• Ask yourself if these obsessive thoughts are serving another purpose--like keeping you from being proactive to make changes in your life or if you're punishing yourself with these thoughts.
• Ask yourself if you're remembering the past accurately or are you "rewriting history" to make it look better than it was in actuality.
• Talk to friends that know you well, listen to what they have to say and consider their perspective.
• If talking to friends doesn't help, consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy
As I mentioned in Part 1 of this topic, getting stuck in fantasies about the past is a common problem that many people have and it's often hard to see when you're in the middle of it.

A licensed mental health professional who has worked with clients on this issue can help you to free yourself so you're empowered to make changes in your life rather than dwelling on the past.

About Me
I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Getting Stuck in the Past and Dwelling on "What Could Have Been"

It's so easy to get stuck in the past with endless thoughts about "what could have been" and lose sight of "what is."  There are so many websites for reunions of all kinds, including classmates and sites to find former romantic partners (see my article:  Relationships: Romantic Reconnections).   It's no wonder that many people get stuck yearning for and idealizing how they think things "could have been" in their lives as opposed to dealing with how life is now.

Getting Stuck in the Past and Dwelling on "What Could Have Been"

Of course, there's nothing wrong with nostalgia and remembering good times.  These memories can help to get us through difficult times and remind us that there can still be good times ahead of us when we're dealing with current challenges.

The problem isn't about nostalgia.  The problem arises when people get stuck in fantasies about the past.

Let's take a look at some of the reasons why getting stuck in the past is a problem:

• Your heart and mind aren't as open to new experiences 
• Instead of creating new experiences, you're reliving and reinforcing the old ones in your head
• You can lose your enthusiasm for life
• Instead of feeling empowered to make things happen in your current life, you can feel helpless as you tell yourself that things will never be as good as before
• You're not taking responsibility for changing things that you're unhappy about now
• You lose sight of the fact that you're indulging in fantasies and fantasies are often better than reality ever might have been
• You're not growing and developing as a person
• Your identity can become diminished by your fantasies about "how wonderful life could have been...if only…"

The following vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates why getting stuck in the past is problematic:

Ann

Ten years prior to coming to therapy, Ann ended her relationship with Bill because she realized, after seeing him during their last two years in college, that they both wanted very different things in life.

Whereas she wanted to move back to New York, get an apartment and start her career, he wanted to rent a van and travel all over the country, taking whatever jobs he found along the way.  She also realized that they had other fundamental differences that would have made a life together difficult.

For several months after the breakup, Bill continued to pursue Ann, contacting her from wherever he was and trying to persuade her to get back together.  But even though Ann still loved Bill and the breakup was hard for her too, she knew, at the time, that she made the right decision.  She wished Bill well and she started dating other men.

Ten years later, Ann had a successful career and she was doing well financially, but her relationships weren't working out.  After the last breakup, Ann found herself dwelling on memories of her time with Bill, especially when she was bored at work or home alone on the weekend.

It had been several years since she had heard from Bill directly, but she followed him on his Facebook page.  She knew from Facebook that he started his own tour company and he conducted tours all over the world.

The places were so exotic and colorful.  He seemed to be having a lot of fun, and Ann wondered if she had made a mistake in ending their relationship.  Since their breakup, there had been no one in her life as interesting and fun loving as Bill.

Getting Stuck in the Past and Dwelling on "What Could Have Been"

Just prior to coming to therapy, Ann found out on Facebook that Bill now had a new girlfriend.  She surprised herself with how jealous she felt, after all these years, about this new relationship.  But, it was undeniable--as she looked at their happy pictures online, she was becoming increasingly obsessed with Bill and found herself yearning for him and their days together.

Not only did Ann think about him during the day, but she also had dreams about him at night where they were back together and happy.

She couldn't understand what was happening to her.  Even though she knew she was torturing herself by continuing to look at his Facebook page, she couldn't stop herself--she felt like she needed to know (see my article:  Stalking Your Ex on Social Media).

Ann began feeling increasingly sad and disappointed about her own personal life.  Her friends introduced her to new men, but she never gave them a chance.  She compared each of them to the life she imagined she could have had with Bill and they all came up short.

Next Article:
In my next article, I'll continue this topic and discuss how Ann was helped in therapy to get unstuck.

Getting Help in Therapy
Getting stuck by dwelling on how good life "could have been"is a common problem that many people have.

Rather than remaining stuck, you can get help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to understand why you're stuck and help you to get free so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Romantic Reconnections

Many people are reconnecting through social media with former high school and college sweethearts after 10, 15, 20 years or more of having no contact.

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I've been seeing more and more people who are reconnecting through these sites and falling in love all over again. The excitement of these reconnections is often very compelling. Often, these are long lost love connections from a happier time when both people were much younger and when there was much promise in their lives.

Relationships: Romantic Reconnections

It's exciting to find out what the other person has been doing all these years later and to tell your story. It can also be a heady experience to find out that this person has been thinking about you all this time, wondering what you're doing, and thinking about your former relationship. It can also be uplifting to remember your youthful self at that time and cause you to remember a more passionate and optimistic part of yourself that you might not have been in touch with for a long time. There's a certain romantic nostalgia about these romantic reconnections.

Of the many stories that I've heard, many times, these reconnections seem to work out well. However, there are times when, after the initial reconnection, problems begin to emerge and these couples come into couples counseling to try to work out these problems.

Based on what I've seen, one of the main problems seem to be around expectations: When you remember how you and your old love were years ago, often, there are expectations that the two of you will be that same way again, and when this doesn't happen, it's disappointing.

Trying to recapture the love that you and your former partner had all those years ago in just the same way as you had it back then, when you were both young and the world seemed like it was going to be your oyster, can be tricky.

It can be fraught with disappointment if, as you're getting swept up in this romantic reconnection, you forget that time and circumstances have probably changed a lot of things for you and for your old love. Aside from the more superficial changes, like weight gain and wrinkles, along the way, each of you has had many experiences that have probably changed you and your outlook on life to a certain extent.

If you don't take these changes about yourself and your former love into account, you're probably setting yourself up for a fall. Also, you might be faced with whatever unresolved issues thee may have been from the past.

The following vignette, which is a composite of various cases, is an example of a romantic reconnection that started with a lot of excitement and then began to go wrong:

Sally and George:
Sally and George were in a relationship during their last two years of college. At the time, they were very in love and talked about getting married. All of their friends considered them to be "the perfect couple." However, towards the end of their last semester in college, they had a big argument about George joining his father's manufacturing business rather than pursuing his dream to be a teacher, which is all that he talked about while in college--making a difference for young students and helping to shape young minds.

Sally couldn't believe that George would give up his dream and give in to his father's pressure. She was furious. Unlike many teens and young people in their early 20s, George had never gone against his parent's wishes and he didn't know how to tell his father "no."

Sally also didn't want to move to Chicago where George's parents lived. All along, she and George had talked about either living in New York, where she was from, or Boston, a city that they both liked. By the end of the school year, both of them were heart broken about this argument, but neither of them saw a compromise, so they broke up.

Sally moved back to New York. She found a teaching job and an apartment with friends. And George moved back in with his parents and joined his father's firm as an assistant manager.

Neither Sally nor George had any contact again--until 20 years later when George found Sally's name on Facebook. Initially, when they reconnected by email and then by phone, they were both very excited. Both of them were now divorced and available.

Neither of them had children. Sally had been teaching for many years, and George inherited his father's business, sold it for a large profit, and eventually returned to his initial chosen profession, teaching. They both flew back and forth on weekends and holidays to see each other and they were caught up in a whirlwind romance.

After the first six months, George moved to NYC and they moved in together. He obtained a teaching job and things seemed to be going fine.

 However, as the initial excitement began to wear off, they each felt that "something was missing." Neither of them could put their finger on what it was, but they each began to feel vaguely disappointed. They began bickering about little things, and this was even more disappointing.

One day, in the middle of an argument, George said to Sally, "What happened to you? You're not the girl that I knew in college." This was a turning point in their relationship. George regretted saying these words as soon as they left his mouth, and Sally was very hurt. They both still loved each other, but they recognized that their relationship was spiraling down and they didn't know what to do. They decided that, to try to save their relationship, they needed to go to couples counseling.

After several sessions of couples counseling, they realized that they reentered their relationship hoping to find the same people that they were when they were in college but, in reality, both of them had changed somewhat.

They were no longer the idealistic young people that they were and time, their divorces, and other life experiences had changed them. Also, when they broke up in college and all the years since, they were left with the romantic fantasy of what it could have been like if they had stayed together all those years ago.

Now, 20 years later, they were actually living the reality of that experience. And while their experiences together now were generally good, the reality of their life together couldn't live up to the romantic fantasies that had built up in their minds over the years.

Through couples counseling, gradually, Sally and George learned to work out their differences and to let go of unrealistic expectations. They also had to work through the initial disappointment that lead to their break up in college. Sally realized that she had been immature about it all those years ago, and George realized that he wasn't assertive enough to be his own person back then. Within a few months, they became more realistic about their expectations of themselves and each other and their love for each other matured, deepened and reflected who they are now, as individuals as well as a couple.

It's wonderful that we now have ways of reconnecting with old friends and loved ones through the Web. It has provided us with opportunities that we didn't have before for reconnecting with people who were once important in our lives. When these reconnections are romantic, they present special opportunities and some challenges.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your partner have reconnected romantically after many years and you're facing certain challenges in your relationship, you could benefit from couples counseling with a licensed mental health professional.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I see individual adults and couples.

I have helped many couples who have reconnected romantically to have more fulfilling relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.