Feeling Entitled to Self Care

Stress is a normal part of everyday life.  As long as you're alive, there's no way to avoid experiencing stress.  Since you can't avoid stress, it's important to have effective ways to manage your stress before you become overwhelmed.  

Feeling Entitled to Self Care

To effectively manage stress, you have to find what works for you in terms of self care.  But in order to do this, you need to feel entitled to take care of yourself rather than focusing on others (more on this later). 

Tips For Stress Management and Self Care
Self care involves both taking care of yourself both physically, emotionally and, for many people, spiritually:

• Going for regular medical and dental checkups
• Eating nutritious meals
• Making sure you get enough sleep (usually 7-8 hours per night)
• Engaging in healthy physical activity, like going to the gym or to a gentle yoga class
• Having a way to quiet your mind, like in mindfulness meditation
• Writing down your thoughts in a personal journal
• Having a strong emotional support system among friends and family
• Taking breaks during the day at work
• Going on vacation to get away from your daily routine
• Going for walks
• Getting out into nature
• Listening to music
• Reading books you enjoy
• Taking a relaxing bath
• Learning to be tactfully assertive in terms of taking care of yourself, including learning to say "no"
• Taking time for yourself during the day 
• Finding meaning in life and a purpose larger than yourself

Feeling Entitled to Take Care of Yourself
Many people don't feel they're entitled to take care of themselves because they were raised to feel that they should put other people's concerns before their own.  When they try to engage in self care, they feel guilty and self indulgent, as if they should be doing something for someone else.

Often, when people don't feel entitled to self care, the underlying issue is "I don't feel good enough" or "I'm unlovable."  Most of the time, this isn't a conscious thought, but it's the self sabotaging thought that keeps them stuck.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you struggle with these feelings, you might need the help of a licensed mental health professional to resolve this issue.  The consequences of not taking care of yourself can be serious both physically and emotionally.

Aside from the many illnesses that can develop if stress overwhelms you and compromises your immune system, you're more likely to experience anxiety or depression at some point in your life.

Unfortunately, not feeling lovable, good enough or entitled to self care is a common problem.  So, if you feel this way, you're not alone.  But the good news is that there is effective treatment for this problem, and many people have successfully overcome feelings of inadequacy.

You can get help too.  I've included three professional websites below under "Resources" which include directories of therapists for clinical hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing and EMDR, three treatment modalities that I've found to be very effective in dealing with emotional trauma, including feeling of inadequacy.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at ((917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Avoiding the Problems in Your Relationship?

Are you facing or avoiding the problems in your relationship?  Many couples avoid dealing with their problems for years, especially if it has to do with emotional and sexual intimacy.

Whether people face and deal with the problems in their relationship or try to avoid them is often affected by how they were raised to either deal or not deal with conflict.  For people raised in families where the attitude is that it's better "not to rock the boat," they're more likely to avoid acknowledging and dealing with problems.

Are You Facing or Avoiding Problems in Your Relationship?

Of course, just because you try to avoid dealing with problems in your relationship doesn't mean they just go away.  They often get worse.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with no identifying information revealed, is an example where, initially, a couple avoids dealing with their problems and, eventually, gets help:

Jack and Mary
Jack and Mary were married for over 25 years.  Their children were already grown and out of the home.  When they first met, they were very much in love and had a passionate sexual relationship.  But over the years, they spent less and less time with each other and they were no longer having sex.

Are You Avoiding the Problems in Your Relationship?

Both Jack and Mary were raised in families where people didn't talk about their feelings, so neither of them learned to talk about uncomfortable feelings.  When Jack was growing up, he knew that his father was deeply unhappy with the mother's drinking, but his father never said anything about it.  Even though his parents never fought, there was a lot of tension in the household.  Jack also learned not to complain.  He kept his feelings to himself.

When Mary was growing up, her mother always stressed that Mary needed to "put on a happy face," no matter what she was feeling.  This is what Mary's mother did, but at night, Mary heard her crying.

When a new colleague began flirting with Jack at work, although he was flattered, he had no intention of accepting her invitation for a drink.  But when he realized that, for the first time in years, he felt sexually attractive and desirable again, he knew there was a serious problem in his marriage.

Jack wanted to talk to Mary about their marriage and what he felt was missing--emotional and sexual intimacy.  But he felt very uncomfortable.  They were spending little time together.  Mary spent most of the weekend involved with volunteer activities and Jack would spend time in the den alone doing work.  At night, they went to bed at different times.  

Sometimes, Jack wanted to initiate sex, but he felt uncomfortable doing it.  He couldn't even remember when they last had sex.Each time that Jack said to himself that he would talk to Mary, he would have trouble even knowing how to even begin.  So, time passed, and he felt increasingly frustrated, unhappy with their marriage, and annoyed with himself.

Then, one day at an office Christmas party, his flirtatious colleague, who seemed to have one too many drinks, cornered Jack in the coat room as he was getting his coat to leave.  Without warning, she pulled him towards her and kissed him on the mouth.  Rather than pulling away, Jack responded by kissing her back.

When he realized what he was doing, he pulled away, made an excuse and quickly left the party feeling shaken by the experience.  As he was driving home, his thoughts were racing.  He knew he had to talk to his wife before he did something he regretted.  He also realized that he wanted love and passion back in his marriage.

When he got home, he found Mary getting ready for bed.  He hesitated for a moment.  Then, he stammered that he needed to talk.  Mary responded by turning away and asking him if it couldn't wait until tomorrow.  Jack sensed that Mary knew what he wanted to talk to her about, and she was putting him off.  So, he told her that it couldn't wait--they needed to talk now.

It was harder than Jack thought to get the words out.  As he told Mary that he felt their marriage was in trouble, he only looked up occasionally to look at her.  Mary kept her gaze on the floor, looking very uncomfortable and anxious.  But Mary acknowledged that she was also feeling that something was missing in their relationship for a long time.  They agreed to both think about it and talk again in a few days.  They went to bed together that night, and for the first time in years, they held each other.

They both wanted to salvage their marriage, but they didn't know how.  Within a week, they decided to get help in couples counseling.  They learned in couples counseling how their experiences with their families affected their ability to deal with uncomfortable feelings.  Over time, with a lot of effort, they worked towards rekindling the emotional closeness and sexual intimacy they once had.

Getting Help in Therapy 
Avoiding, rather than facing, the problems in your relationship often makes them worse as time goes on. There's no doubt that it can be awkward to address these issues with your spouse or romantic partner.  But you need to weigh this against the possibility that your relationship won't last if you don't deal with your problems.

A skilled therapist, who works with couples, can help you work through your problems.  She can also help you to learn how to communicate more effectively with each other so both of you are able to talk to each other about your feelings and you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Can You and Your Ex Transition From Being Lovers to Being Friends?

Many people attempt to remain friends with their exes, especially if the breakup of their relationship was mutually decided, amicable, and both people still care deeply for one another.  Sometimes this works out and other times, it doesn't.

Can You and Your Ex Transition From Being Lovers to Friends?

Tips for Transitioning From Being Lovers to Being Friends:

• Take Time Apart: Even when you and your ex both agree that you want to transition from being lovers to being friends, you will need time away from each other to allow for the change.  Even though neither of  you might still be in love, it takes time for feelings to subside and to mourn what once was.  You don't want any confusion or ambiguity about the transition. For most people, a period of at least six months without contact, is needed to make the transition.  For other people, depending upon the two people involved, you might need more time.

• Don't Have Sex With Your Ex: You and your ex might feel you can have the type of friendship that includes "friends with benefits" and that having occasional sex might not harm the friendship.  But this can be very confusing for one or both people.  There could easily be misunderstandings if sexual intimacy arouses romantic feelings.  This isn't to say that some people can do this and there's no confusion but, most people can't.  So, as tempting as it might be to have sex with your ex, especially if neither of you is having sex with anyone else, I recommend that you refrain from having sex with your ex.

• Don't Say "Let's be friends" With the Idea of Rekindling the Romance: This is a big mistake that many people make, either intentionally or unintentionally.  Be aware of what you want and what you don't want from your ex, and be honest about it.  Don't say you want to be friends as a ploy to rekindle the relationship.  Not only is this dishonest, it's also manipulative and it could ruin any chances for a real friendship with your ex.

• Pay Attention to How Your Friendship With Your Ex Affects Your New Relationship: If some time has passed and you're in a new relationship, you need to pay attention to how your friendship with your ex affects your new relationship.  Be upfront with your new lover about your friendship with your ex.  A lot of new lovers won't be comfortable with this, so you might need to make some difficult decisions.  But it's more likely to go smoothly if everyone meets so there's no mystery about who is the friend and who is the lover. Most people would feel uncomfortable with an ex and a new lover meeting, at first.  This is understandable.  But if you find yourself procrastinating about this or making excuses for not doing, you need to question your own motives about not making the introductions and helping everyone involved to be clear about who each person is to you:

• Are you trying to keep your options open by keeping your ex in the wings "just in case" your new relationship doesn't work out and you decide to try to rekindle your relationship with your ex?
• Are you more concerned about the possibility of hurting your ex's feelings than how your new lover will feel?  
• Are you, intentionally or unintentionally, triangulating between your ex and your new lover by keeping them separate?

• Make Your New Lover the Priority: You and your ex might have been together for a long time and, naturally, s/he would know you better than your new lover.  So, in some ways, you might feel more comfortable going to your ex, instead of your new lover when you have a problem.  But you need to make your new lover the priority if this new relationship is going to succeed. This means that you take the time to spend with your new lover and make the effort to develop your relationship rather than going to your ex first for help or emotional support. By the same token, your ex needs to learn to expand his or her emotional support system beyond you.  S/he was probably accustomed to relying on you during difficult times.  You can still be supportive of your ex, but when it starts interfering with your new relationship, you need to set some boundaries.  Frequent tearful calls at 3 AM (from your ex to you or you to your ex) aren't acceptable any more. Making your new lover the priority also means that you don't go flying to your ex whenever you and your new lover have an argument.  This is another way to triangulate and it will quickly lead to problems.  Another mistake that people often make, usually when they're angry, is to compare their new lover unfavorably to their ex, by saying to the new lover something along the lines of, "She never would have done that!"  That's often the death knell for the new relationship.

• Transitioning From Lovers to Friends...Tricky, But Not Impossible: Making the transition from being lovers to being friends with your ex can be tricky, but if you take time away from each other, you're clear and honest with your new lover and your ex, everyone is on the same page, and if you set clear boundaries, you might be able to make the transition.

Getting Help in Therapy
Transitioning from lovers to friends can be tricky and you could benefit from emotional support from a skilled psychotherapist.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Learn to Stop Criticizing Each Other

Sometimes, without even realizing it, people harp on the negative rather than the positive qualities they see in their spouse.  Being critical of each other becomes their habitual way of relating, which can ruin a relationship.

Relationships: Learn to Stop Criticizing Each Other 

A Brief Vignette Illustrating This Dynamic
I remember being at a dinner party several years ago when the hostess went on and on reciting a litany of criticisms about her husband, who was sitting, red-faced, next to her:  He wasn't handy in the house, he always forgot where he put his keys...on and on.

It was all done in a humorous way, as if she was teasing him but, after a while, everyone began to shift uneasily in their seats.  People sensed that underneath the humor was thinly veiled hostility.

After a while, when she paused to take a breath, her husband said with a tight smile, "Do  I can do anything right?"  There was a tense moment of silence when no one said anything.  Then, thankfully, someone changed the topic and we all breathed a sigh of relief.

Like so many people, the hostess seemed to be so accustomed to criticizing her husband that she had little awareness of how she was coming across at her own dinner party.

When Being Critical of Your Spouse Has Become a Habitual Way of Relating to Each Other
It can be so easy to fall into a pattern of being critical of your spouse until it becomes a habitual way of relating.

Often, when this occurs, there are deeper underlying issues in the relationship that aren't being dealt with by the couple.

Either the couple is unaware of these other issues or they are aware of them, but they're uncomfortable talking to each other about them.  Rather than addressing the more important issues, like a lack of sexual intimacy in the relationship, one or both people nitpick and criticize each other about other issues.

Learning How to Communicate With Each Other and Change This Dynamic
When I see people for couples counseling who have this dynamic, aside from helping them to become more aware of it, I also help them to remember what brought them together in the first place. I will ask them about the positive qualities that brought them together.

More often than not, they still admire these positive qualities, but they haven't been focusing on them (or even remembering them).

Of course, this doesn't mean that they shouldn't deal with the aspects of their relationship that each of them want to improve and the more complicated underlying issues.  They do, but they need to learn a better way of communicating with each other where it's not all critical, which can erode a relationship quickly.

Getting Help in Therapy
The good news is that it is possible to change a dynamic where one or both people in a relationship are being overly critical of each other.

Learn to Stop Criticizing Each Other: Getting Help

Many couples have learned to change this dynamic.  It takes work in couples counseling, especially if this has been the pattern for a while, but if both people are motivated to work on it, they can learn to change. And, in doing so, they're often able to salvage their relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many couples to learn to improve their communication with each other.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Able to Celebrate Your Progress Along the Way to Meeting Your Goals?

Are you someone who has trouble giving yourself a pat on the back for the progress you've made?  Instead of celebrating the progress you've made so far, do you focus on how much more you have to go so you end up feeling dissatisfied with yourself no matter how much effort you've made?  

If this sounds like you, you're not alone.  A lot of people have trouble giving themselves credit for their well earned progress.

Are You Able to Celebrate Your Progress?

Long Term Goals Are Easier to Accomplish If You Celebrate the Progress Along the Way
When you're working on a long term goal, like getting a Bachelor's or Master's degree or any endeavor that can take a few years, it's easier to keep yourself motivated for the long haul if you're able to feel proud of what you accomplish along the way.

While it's important to be aware of the end result, if that becomes your complete focus, to the exclusion of the milestones along the way, it's easier to become discouraged because you're getting little satisfaction for your efforts.

People who have problems celebrating their progress are often very hard on themselves.  Many of them grew up in families where there were critical parents where nothing was ever good enough ("You only got an A?  Why didn't you get an A+").

Adults, who grew up in households where they weren't recognized for their efforts, have a hard time gauging what "progress" is, which is why they focus on the end goal rather than the steps they accomplish along the way.

Overcoming Shame and the Feeling of "Not Being Good Enough"
When children are only recognized by their parents for the end result, they internalize a lot of shame. With the shame comes the feeling of "not being good enough."

As adults, they often feel they have to prove themselves over and over again.  Only the end product counts, and it often needs to be "perfect."

Getting Help in Therapy
Life can be challenging enough without imposing such harsh standards on yourself.  If you're someone who has a hard time acknowledging your efforts along the particular path you have chosen, you can learn to overcome this problem in psychotherapy.

Celebrate Your Progress

A skilled clinician can help you to work through these issues so that you're free from this emotional burden.  Letting go of shame and a punitive attitude towards yourself can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are Your Emotional Needs Being Met in Your Relationship?

One of the leading causes of relationship breakups is when one or both people in a relationship feel that their emotional needs aren't being met.  And, yet, so many couples are reluctant to discuss this important issue with each other.  

Are Your Emotional Needs Being Met in Your Relationship?

Every Relationship Goes Through Its Ups and Downs

You can't expect that your spouse or partner will always be attuned to your emotional needs. There can be many reasons why your spouse isn't meeting your emotional needs at a particular point in your relationship, including financial or work stressors, anxiety, medical problems, problems with your children or other family members.

But if you find that, over a period of time, your emotional needs aren't being met in your relationship, it's time that you and your spouse sit down for a heart-to-heart talk about what's going on in your relationship.

What Does It Mean to Have Your Emotional Needs Met?
You and your spouse or partner won't always be on the same page about everything.  For instance, you might have particular interests that your spouse doesn't have or vice versa.  So, neither you nor your spouse are likely to meet all of each other's needs.  This is why it's healthy to have friends that you enjoy seeing where you have common interests that you and your spouse might not have.

But when I refer to having your emotional needs met by your spouse, I'm talking about, on the most basic level, feeling loved and cared about by your spouse.

Each Person Might Communicate Love in a Different Way
Many  couples, who have been together for a long time, stop expressing their love and appreciation for each other the way they used to when they first met.  For a lot of these couples, it's not so much a matter of not caring any more as it is that, over time, they've forgotten how to communicate these feelings to each other.  Or, in some instances, they might never have known how to do it.

For other couples, each person in the relationship might have a different way of expressing love and appreciation.  If each person in the relationship is on a different wavelength about how to express love and appreciation, each of them might miss certain gestures that are meant to convey these feelings.

For instance, a husband might express how much he loves for his wife by making sure that her car is always in good working order.  But the wife in this relationship might feel unloved because, from her point of view, husbands who love their wives express it by saying, "I love you" or by bringing them flowers.

Since they're both coming from different places about how to express love, the wife might completely miss that this is her husband's way of showing that he loves her.  She might just think her husband likes tinkering with the car.  And the husband might feel unappreciated for his efforts.  So, it's important for each person to understand his or her spouse.  And there can be some compromise around these issues if the couple takes the time to talk about it.

You Deserve to Have Your Emotional Needs Met
Many people struggle  with the idea that they deserve to have their emotional needs met, especially if they grew up in a household where their emotional needs weren't met when they were children.  As adults, they might not know what they need in order to feel loved.  Or even if they do know, they might feel so undeserving that they don't feel entitled to it.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you feel you're not getting your emotional needs met by your spouse, you're not alone.  Many people seek out help in individual therapy as well as couples counseling because of this issue.

If your spouse is willing to participate in couples counseling, you both can learn to change the current dynamic in the relationship.  You'll probably also learn a lot about what your spouse has been experiencing in his or her relationship with you.

Even if your spouse isn't willing, at this point, to participate in couples counseling, you can benefit from your own individual therapy to learn to deal with this issue in your relationship and to avoid the anxiety and depression that can often develop when your emotional needs aren't being met.

About Me

I am  a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Trying to Avoid the Emotional Pain of a Breakup By Having the Next Romance in the Wings?

There are many people who start casting an eye around for the next romance as their current relationship is ending.  They prefer to have a new person in the wings so they can begin a new relationship just as the current one ends.

Trying to Avoid the Emotional Pain of a Breakup By Having the Next Romance in the Wings

Why Do People Seek Out a New Romance as the Current Relationship is Ending?
There are lots of reasons why people want to have the next romance in the wings when they're going through a breakup, and many of those reasons are fear based:

Fear of Being Alone
Some people seek out someone new immediately because they're afraid of being alone.  To them, being alone often means they're undesirable.  They like to go from one relationship to the next without ever being single, if possible.

Fear of Dealing with the Emotional Pain of the Heartbreak
Related to fear of being alone, many people don't want to deal with the emotional pain of the breakup.  Rather than deal with painful emotions, they want to immerse themselves in a new relationship to avoid feeling the pain.

You Can Run, But You Can't Hide

While it's understandable that no one wants to feel the emotional pain of a breakup, thinking that you can avoid the pain completely by seeking out someone new is an illusion.

Running from the problem isn't the answer.  You might distract yourself for a while with someone new, but pushing down the emotional pain from the breakup will just cause it to manifest in other ways, including physical ailments (headaches, stomach problems, body aches, etc).

In addition, whether you realize it or not, you bring your old emotional baggage from the current relationship into the new relationship.

Learning to Cope With Emotional Pain Can Make You More Resilient
As much as we hope to avoid dealing with emotional pain in life, including the pain of a breakup, learning to cope with emotional pain, rather than trying to avoid it, is part of emotional development.

While you're going through the pain, it can feel awful.  But, usually, while you're recovering from the loss, you can learn a lot about yourself, relationships and life's lessons.

After you've healed, you usually realize that you can cope with a lot more than you might have realized, and you don't need to distract yourself with a new relationship, a drink, a drug, gambling or other potential emotional numbing activities.

Healing From Heartbreak and Building Resilience to Deal With Life's Inevitable Challenges
Once you've recovered from your loss, having gone through the emotional pain, you often become more resilient and better able to deal with the next challenge in life.

Just knowing that you were able to cope with the pain and you got through it, as painful as it might have been, can give you more confidence to deal with future adversity, which is unavoidable in life.

Getting Help in Therapy
Everyone needs help at some point in his or her life.

If you find that you're having a difficult time coping with a breakup on your own or even with your emotional support network, you could benefit from seeking the help of a licensed psychotherapist, who can help you to work through the healing process.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and  Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples, and I've helped many people through the emotional healing process.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.