Grieving For a Parent Who Wasn't There For You

Grief for a deceased parent isn't always related to how close you were.

Grieving For a Parent Who Wasn't There For You

In fact, grief related to the loss of a parent you weren't close to can be even more intense than grief for a nurturing parent because it often involves grieving for what  you hoped for and never got (see links for my articles about grief below).

For adults who have lost a parent under these circumstances, part of the grief is knowing that the warm loving relationship you might have wished for can never be experienced after your parent died. The death can bring a painful finality to your wish and wash away any hopes you might have had to improve the relationship.

Clinical Vignette:

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed:

Alex

Alex was in his mid-30s when he received a phone call from his stepmother, a woman he had never met, telling Alex that his father had terminal cancer. She told him that his father was in hospice and he wasn't expected to live more than a few days.

Before Alex could respond, his stepmother put his father on the phone to say a few words. It was clear to Alex that his father was heavily medicated and Alex didn't know what to say. His father asked for Alex's forgiveness for walking out on Alex and Alex's mother more than 30 years ago. He said he regretted not ever contacting Alex after he walked out on them.

Alex was shocked and confused. He didn't want to reject his father's dying wish, so he told his father that he forgave him. Then, his stepmother got back on the phone and told Alex that his father was too weak to talk any more. Before she hung up,she told Alex she would keep him apprised.

Not knowing what else to do, Alex sat for several minutes to take in what had just happened. When he was a child, he would ask his mother where his father had gone and his mother would tell him that his father was away on a business trip. But as weeks turned into months and years, Alex realized his father wasn't returning and he never asked his mother about it again because he didn't want to upset her.

Alex buried his feelings about his father and tried not to think about him. But there were times in his life when Alex felt sad that his father wasn't there for him, like when he graduated high school, when he graduated college, when he got married and when he had his first child. But during those times he didn't allow himself to dwell on those thoughts.

By the next day, Alex thought he might want to go visit his father before his father passed away, but then he received another call from his stepmother that his father died that night. She said she planned to have a memorial service in a few months and invited Alex to attend and meet his half brother, Jack.

A wave of profound sadness came over Alex. His wife attempted to soothe him, but Alex was too confused, anxious and angry to talk about it. He never even knew he had a half brother.

His wife said to him, "But you haven't seen your father in so many years and you don't even remember him. So, why do you feel sad?"

Alex couldn't explain why he felt so many mixed emotions, but after weeks passed and he didn't feel any better, he got help in therapy.

Grieving For a Parent Who Wasn't There For You

His therapist helped Alex explore his feelings and he realized that, even though he didn't allow himself to dwell on being abandoned by his father, he always had a wish that he and his father would reunite and they would develop a strong father-son relationship. But now that his father was dead, the reconciliation was impossible and this made him feel deeply sad.

His therapist helped Alex to grieve the abandonment and the loss of a relationship he wished for but now would never have. He also worked on his anger about his father asking him as he was dying to forgive him because, even though Alex said he forgave him, he wasn't sure how he felt.

As Alex continued to work on these issues in therapy, he realized how much he had stuffed his feelings from the time he was young because there was no one to help him with his complicated feelings about being abandoned and never seeing his father again. He believed his mother did the best she could, but she wasn't emotionally equipped to help him when he was a child.

After his father's death, when he spoke to his mother, he realized her memories of that time were different from his. She believed she had sat him down, talked to him and comforted him after his father left. When he told her what he remembered, she denied it, so Alex dropped the subject.

The memorial service was several months away and Alex had mixed feelings about going. Part of him wanted to go to meet his half brother and to find out more about his father, but another part of him didn't want to go. Even though he knew logically that none of this was his half brother's fault, he felt hurt and angry that his half brother had the relationship with his father that Alex wanted.

Then one day Alex received a call from his half brother, Jack, and they talked for over an hour. Jack said he could only imagine how difficult it must have been for Alex to get the call from Jack's mother after so many years. He also hoped they could meet and get to know each other.

Over time, they developed a relationship and Alex decided to go to the memorial service.

It took Alex a while to sort out his feelings about his father and his anger about the way his mother lied to him when his father left. But he also felt relieved to release the emotions in therapy--emotions he had suppressed for so many years.

Over time, Alex worked out his grief in therapy and maintained a relationship with Jack.

Getting Help in Therapy

Grieving for a deceased parent is difficult and it can be that much more difficult when a parent hasn't been there for you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than trying to deal with these complicated emotions on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients with grief and loss.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I am an experienced psychotherapist who has helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles

Mourning the Death of a Father You Never Knew

Common Reactions to the Death of a Loved One 

The Many Layers of Grief 

The Emotional Impact of Losing Both Parents

Who Are You After Both of Your Parents Die?

Writing to Cope With Grief

What is Dual Awareness in Psychotherapy?

The concept of dual awareness is essential in psychotherapy, especially when working on unresolved trauma (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma?).

Dual Awareness in Trauma Therapy

What is Dual Awareness in Trauma Therapy?

The ability to maintain dual awareness is especially important when processing traumatic memories in trauma therapy (see my article: Healing in Trauma Therapy).

Dual awareness is the ability to process traumatic memories while remaining grounded in the safety of the here-and-now.

Dual Awareness in Trauma Therapy

In other words, clients need to balance two realities: the here-and-now as well as the traumatic memory that is being worked in therapy. That means they are aware that, even though they are discussing a traumatic memory, they are safe with their therapist (see my article: Why Establishing Safety is So Important in Trauma Therapy).

Before doing any processing in trauma therapy, it's important for the trauma therapist to prepare clients for the work by ensuring clients have internal and external resources or coping skills, including the ability to remain present and embodied (see my article: Developing Coping Strategies in Trauma Therapy).

To remain embodied means maintaining a conscious connection to their emotions and bodily experiences while processing traumatic emotions (see my article: What is Somatic Awareness?).

Key Concepts of Dual Awareness:

Prior to processing traumatic memories, their therapist helps prepare clients to:

• Balance Two Realities: Clients acknowledge feeling certain emotions related to past traumatic memories at the same time that they know they are safe in the moment with their therapist. 

• Develop an Observing Self: Clients learn to develop an observing self who witnesses their internal experiences (thoughts, emotions, bodily sensations) while processing memories from the past. This observing self can go by many names including Core Self, Adult Self, Higher Self or whatever name is meaningful to clients. Because they have developed a part of themselves that can witness their experiences, they don't feel overwhelmed. This also helps to prevent retraumatization.

Therapeutic Techniques: Trauma therapists often use various techniques to help clients to balance processing past memories with remaining grounded in the present moment. 

Some of these techniques include:

• Pendulation which was developed in Somatic Experiencing Therapy, where the therapist helps clients to shift their awareness from a traumatic memory or experience to a calm or neutral experience or to their Core Self/Adult Self as a way to work on these memories in manageable segments so clients don't become overwhelmed.

• Imaginal Interweaves: Prior to choosing a traumatic memory to work on, clients choose people from their past or present life who would be emotionally supportive. While working on the memory, clients imagine these individuals are accompanying them on their healing journey to undo feelings of aloneness. These people might include a favorite relative, a best friend from the past or the present, a loving teacher and so on. If clients can't imagine anyone they know, they can also choose a person they don't know personally, like a character from a movie or a book, that they can imagine being with them in an emotionally supportive role. In some circumstances, clients might choose someone who they imagine could have intervened directly, like a protective or powerful person who would have protected them when they were younger.  In reality, clients know there might not have been anyone in the original traumatic memory that helped them, but dual awareness allows them to imagine and have a felt sense of being helped or protected.

Dual Awareness in Trauma Therapy

• Breathing Exercises: Being able to pause the work and take a cleansing breath can help the trauma work to remain manageable and tolerable. Clients can also use breathing exercises between sessions.

• Containment: Containment can include clients imagining they can put the traumatic memory away in a box of their choosing at the end of the session. Some clients like to imagine that their therapist keeps the box for them or that they keep the box themselves in a safe place until the next time they work on the memory.

• Learning How to Manage and Reduce Triggers : A trigger is a person, place or thing that causes an unexpected intense reaction related to an experience from the past (see my article: 8 Tips For Coping With Triggers).

What Are the Different Types of Trauma Therapy?

There are different types of trauma therapy including:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic Experiencing

• Parts Work Therapy (IFS and Ego States Therapy)

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Trauma therapy can help you to process traumatic memories so they no longer affect you in your current life.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist so you can live a more meaningful life free from your traumatic history.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What is a Trauma Therapist? 

Overcoming Trauma: You're Not Defined By What Happened to You 

What is Complex Trauma? 

The Unspoken Rift: Resentment, Emotional Disconnection and Loneliness in Relationships

Resentment, emotional disconnection and loneliness tend to form a negative cycle in relationships where unspoken pain gradually creates"walls" that replace emotional and physical intimacy with distance.

Resentment, Disconnection and Loneliness in a Relationship

Resentment is a complicated emotional response to perceived mistreatment or unmet needs. Resentment is a mix of anger, bitterness and disappointment.

What is the Life Cycle of Resentment and Disconnection?

• A Slow Build Up: Resentment rarely develops overnight.  It builds up over time due to repeated experiences of feeling unseen, unheard or unsupported. Resentment often starts when one or both people in the relationship have unexpressed feelings as a result of wanting to avoid conflict.

• Emotional Numbing: As a way to avoid feeling emotional pain in the relationship, individuals "numb out" or detach emotionally. This withdrawal creates an unspoken rift (see my article: What Happens When You Numb Yourself Emotionally?).

• Loneliness When Together: Unspoken resentment can lead to a sense of loneliness even when a couple is physically together in the same space. Their interactions can become transactional or as if on "autopilot' lacking warmth or genuine connection (see my article: Feeling Lonely in a Relationship).

• The Negative Cycle Feeds on Itself: The negative cycle of resentment, disconnection and loneliness feeds on itself. 

What Are the Signs of Resentment, Disconnection and Loneliness in a Relationship?

The following are some of the signs:

• Silence and Avoidance: One partner staying up late to avoid their partner. One or both partners retreating to another room or avoiding topics that might create conflict.

Loss of Emotional and Physical Intimacy

• Loss of Intimacy: A decrease or cessation of affection, physical intimacy, meaningful conversation or interest in the other partner's inner emotional world.

• Passive Aggressive Behavior: Using sarcasm, subtle jabs or eye rolling as a form of contempt instead of direct communication (see my article: Improving Communication By Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Keeping Score: Constantly comparing efforts or bringing up old mistakes during unrelated arguments (see my article: How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner).

Strategies For Dealing With Resentment, Disconnection and Loneliness in a Relationship

• Acknowledge the Resentment: Address the resentment using "I" statements rather than being accusatory. Shift away from blame to vulnerability: "I miss you when we don't talk" instead of "You never talk to me!"

Disconnection and Distractions in Relationships

• Avoid Distractions: Instead of distracting yourself with your phone or being on the Internet, avoid distractions so you can connect with your partner. 

• Find Ways to Reconnect Emotionally: Find meaningful ways to reconnect by engaging in activities you both enjoy. This could involve planning a date night--even if that means staying at home and playing a game together or watching and talking about a favorite movie. In addition, make plans to take a trip together at least once a year, if that's possible. Instead of one person doing all the planning, plan it together as a way to connect and anticipate the pleasure of the upcoming trip.

• Find Ways to Reconnect Physically: Start slowly with physical touch and other gestures of affection. Talk about what you used to enjoy together sexually and what you each miss about not being physically intimate (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?)

• Get Help in Couples Therapy: When there has been a build up of resentment, emotional disconnection and loneliness over a period of time, self help techniques are often not enough. If you have stopped having sex, a skilled couples therapist who is also a sex therapist can help you to develop the tools and strategies to improve your relationship over time. This usually begins with a focus on emotional and relational issues before sexual issues are addressed.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases:

Lisa and Ed

Married for 25 years, Lisa and Ed co-existed together in their home.

Both of them grew up in families where conflict was never discussed so neither of them knew how to talk about uncomfortable feelings. 

Rather than talking about the increasing emotional and physical gulf between them, they tried to avoid one another.

Over time, their sex life dwindled to a couple of times a year. During their sexual encounters, they both experienced sex as "robotic" and disconnected, but neither of them knew how to talk about it (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex?).

After they had sex, Ed would usually roll over and go to sleep and Lisa would get up to do chores around the house. There were no expressions of affection either verbally or physically (see my article: Why is Sexual Aftercare Important?).

Ed spent most of his free time in the basement tinkering in his workshop and Lisa spent most of her time driving their teenage sons to sports and other extracurricular activities.

Both of them were unaware of how their sons acted as a buffer between them until both sons left for college. At that point, Lisa and Ed felt increasingly lonely, but neither of them had the communication or relationship skills to talk about it.

Unhappy and desperate to change their situation, Lisa listened to a podcast with Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist (EFT) Julie Menanno, LMFT who talked about the negative cycle in relationships. 

As Lisa listened to the podcast, she realized that she and Ed were stuck in a negative cycle and it was possible to learn strategies for how they could break out of that cycle.

When she summoned the courage, Lisa broached the topic of attending couples therapy with Ed over dinner. She could see this made Ed very uncomfortable, but she persisted by telling him she realized they were both unhappy in their relationship and, as she was approaching her 50th birthday, she knew she wanted more out of a relationship.

Ed was reluctant to attend couples therapy at first, but he also sensed that Lisa might end their relationship and he wasn't ready to end their marriage. So, after considerable thought, Ed agreed to go to couples therapy.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)

Their couples therapist was an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist (EFT) who helped Ed and Lisa to develop the communication and relationship skills they were lacking.  This was challenging for both of them because it meant confronting their discomfort about difficult issues between them. But, over time, they improved their communication skills and let go of their fear of dealing with conflict and resentment.

Both of them were surprised to feel relieved to finally be able to address years of resentment in a way that was respectful and empathetic.  This helped them to open up emotionally in a way they had never experienced before. Gradually, they also let go of their resentments.

After several months, they were both ready to improve their sex life and their therapist provided them with psychoeducation about sex therapy homework to do at home. 

Initially, it was awkward for Lisa and Ed to be sexually intimate, but they developed patience and a sense of humor to overcome the awkwardness until, eventually, they were able to have a more satisfying sex life again.

The work was neither quick nor easy and, just like any other type of therapy, there were setbacks (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy on the Road to Healing).

However, step by step, Lisa and Ed saw gradual improvements that built on each other until, over time, they had the fulfilling relationship they wanted.

Conclusion

Resentment and emotional disconnection in a long term relationship usually builds up over time. 

When conflicts go unaddressed and unrepaired in a relationship and resentment increases, emotional disconnection and loneliness also increase until the couple is trapped in a negative cycle.

Acknowledging the problem is the first step to improving the relationship. 

Although many couples end their current relationship and start a new one, they usually discover they develop the same problems in the new relationship because they don't have the communication and relationship skills necessary to sustain a healthy relationship (see my article: How to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes in One Relationship After the Next).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you want to improve your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist and certified sex therapist (see my article: What is Couples Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: Why Do People Seek Help in Couples Sex Therapy?).

A skilled sex therapist can help to dispel many of the misconceptions about sex therapy. For instance, there is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help so you can develop a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual clients and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article

How to Let Go of Resentments in Your Relationship 

 

Emotional Numbing: The "Wall" That Once Protected You Now Imprisons You

 I've written about emotional numbing in prior articles (see my article: How Therapy Can Help You to Take Down the "Wall" You Built Around Yourself).

In the current article, I want to dive deeper into the subject of emotional numbing that started as a survival strategy and ended up imprisoning you with social isolation, an inability to feel emotions deeply, including joy, and creating stagnation in your life.

What is Emotional Numbing?

Emotional numbing is an unconscious psychological state where an individual feels detached or indifferent. They are often unable to experience, process or express emotions.

Overcoming Emotional Numbing

What Are Some of the Symptoms of Emotional Numbing?

Someone who is experiencing emotional numbing can have some or all of the following symptoms:

• Flat Affect: A lack of emotional response, often described as "robotic" or indifferent

• Reduced Emotional Range: An inability to feel high excitement or deep sadness

• Detachment: Feeling emotionally and psychologically disconnected from others and, possibly, from surroundings

• Indiscriminate Blocking: Emotional numbing blocks all emotions including sadness, joy, excitement and gratitude

• Loss of a Sense of Self: Chronic detachment can lead to loss of identity, which can make you feel like a passive observer in your life 

• Avoidance and Isolation: Withdrawing from people and social activities

• Energy Depletion: Maintaining internal "walls" takes a lot of psychological energy which can lead to chronic fatigue or burnout

What Causes Emotional Numbing?

Emotional numbing can be caused by unresolved psychological trauma, PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder), severe stress, grief, burnout or a side effect of medication (see my article: What is the Difference Between Trauma and PTSD?).

Overcoming Emotional Numbing

Emotional numbing often starts during childhood as a survival strategy or defense mechanism which is adaptive at the time because the child is in a psychologically overwhelming environment at home.

In that sense, emotional numbing helps to mitigate overwhelming stress and trauma which would be detrimental to the child.

However, when the child becomes an adult, emotional numbing is no longer adaptive because it prevents the individual from being fully present in personal relationships, friendships, social activities and at work.

As an adult, chronic emotional numbness puts a strain on relationships and daily life.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette,which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how emotional numbing which once protected a young child in a dysfunctional family from being overwhelmed but created problems later on as an adult. The vignette also illustrates how trauma therapy can help.

Nick

When Nick was growing up, he learned to cope with his parents' constant arguments by going into his room and "spacing out" with video games.

After a while, he got so good at numbing himself that he felt like he was in his own world apart from everyone and everything else.

As an adult in his first relationship, Nick had problems connecting emotionally with his girlfriend. She complained that she experienced him as emotionally detached and indifferent about her and their relationship.

At the time, Nick had no awareness about how he was numbing himself because it had become so automatic for him. At the point when he thought his girlfriend might end their relationship, Nick sought help in therapy.

Nick's therapist helped Nick to realize that the "wall" he created around himself as a child protected him from the chaos between his parents, but that same "wall" now came with a cost because he had problems connecting emotionally with his girlfriend and others.

His therapist, who was a trauma therapist, helped Nick to gradually take down his protective "wall" by working on the unresolved trauma from his childhood.

Using a combination of EMDR therapy and Parts Work therapy, over time, Nick worked through his childhood trauma so that he no longer felt the need to numb himself emotionally (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma?).

The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but Nick was able to connect emotionally with his girlfriend as he worked through his unresolved trauma.

Conclusion

Like all defense mechanisms, emotional numbing occurs on an unconscious level and it's usually related to trauma.

Trauma therapy can help to work through the original trauma so there is no longer a need for emotional numbing.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Working with a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist can help you to work through unresolved trauma and emotional numbing (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a trauma therapist so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Feelings So You Can Heal 

What Happens When You Numb Yourself to Your Traumatic Past 

Relationships: How Toxic Shame Makes Communication Challenging

Toxic shame can make communication very challenging in a relationship, so I'm exploring this issue and providing tips on how you can deal with this toxic shame.

What is Toxic Shame?

Before we delve into communication issues, let's start by defining toxic shame.

Toxic Shame in Relationships

Toxic shame is different from healthy shame.

Whereas healthy shame is usually a passing, situational emotion, toxic shame is a chronic, deep-seated belief of being unworthy, unlovable, flawed or bad (see my article: What is the Difference Between Healthy Shame and Toxic Shame?).

• Internalization: Toxic shame is an internalized experience--usually internalized during childhood. It affects your identity ("I am bad" or "I am unlovable" or "I am stupid"). Healthy shame isn't about your identity--it's about your behavior ("I did something bad" or "I said something wrong").

• Duration: Toxic shame is chronic and pervasive and healthy shame is temporary and dissipates after a while.

• Purpose: While healthy shame motivates positive change, moral development and repairing relationships, toxic shame causes "emotional paralysis", defensiveness, self sabotage and social withdrawal.

• Origin: Toxic shame usually develops in childhood due to abuse, emotional neglect, severe criticism or other types of trauma. Toxic shame creates a belief that love must be "earned" (e.g., good grades in school and in other performative ways).

• Impact: Toxic shame often leads to perfectionism in an attempt to hide "the broken self", people-pleasing or severe anxiety (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

How Does Toxic Shame Create Communication Problems?

Toxic shame creates deep insecurity which makes it challenging to communicate.

Here are the main communication issues related to toxic shame:

• Defensiveness: Toxic shame makes individuals highly sensitive to perceived criticism. This can create a situation where even neutral comments can be heard as personal insults, which leads to defensiveness.

Toxic Shame in Relationships

• Distorted Perception: Toxic shame acts like a filter. This can make it difficult for individuals to accept love or believe they are worthy, which causes them to misunderstand or ignore their partner's positive expressions of affection.

• Emotional Withdrawing and Stonewalling: Toxic shame causes individuals to protect themselves from vulnerability by shutting down, withdrawing emotionally and/or physically, which can cause the other partner to feel lonely and abandoned (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

• Anger and Aggression: Toxic shame can manifest as anger or aggression where one partner responds to vulnerability or conflict by lashing out, blaming or engaging in contemptuous behavior to deflect from feelings of inadequacy.

Toxic Shame and Perfectionism

• Perfectionism and Masking: An intense feeling of being "found out" as being inadequate can lead to hiding true feelings, maintaining a "perfect" facade and avoiding honest and open conversations about fears and insecurities.

How to Communicate With a Partner Who Has Toxic Shame

Julie Menanno, LMFT, an Emotionally Focused Therapist for couples discusses communication problems in her book, Secure Love.

As Ms. Menanno indicates, communicating with a partner who has toxic shame requires a "safe space" (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

Here are some suggestions that can be helpful if you have a partner who experiences toxic shame:

• Validate Before Solving: Listen to your partner's emotional experience first without immediately jumping into a problem solving mode. Recognize that your partner might be acting out of toxic shame and pressure, so try not to take their words personally (see my article: What is Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill?).

• Use "I" Statements: Use "I" statements to express your feelings to avoid putting your partner on the defensive. An example would be: "I feel lonely when we don't talk for a few days" instead of "You always ignore me".

Teamwork in a Relationship

• Work Together on the Problem as a Team: Instead of attacking your partner, attack the problem together. Instead of saying "You did this wrong", say "I know this is a tough situation for both of us." Approach the problem in the spirit of teamwork to deal with it.

• Provide Reassurance: Since toxic shame can make your partner feel unworthy, remind your partner of your love and commitment.  

• Create Safe Openings: If your partner shuts down, create a safe opening by saying, "I notice you're distant. I care about you and I want to understand."

• Avoid "Why" Questions: Why questions like "Why did you do that?" can sound accusatory and trigger defensive reactions.

• Take Breaks: If the conversation gets too heated, take a short break and come back to it when you're both calmer (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

• Prioritize Your Own Safety: If your partner is causing you harm, it's important to prioritize your own safety. Don't isolate. Talk to trusted loved ones and get support.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve problems between you, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an EFT couples therapist (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?.)

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek professional help so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Emotionally Focused Therapist (EFT) for Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How Does Somatic Experiencing (SE) Process Emotions?

In my recent articles I've been exploring how the different types of Experiential Therapies, like AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and EMDR process emotions.

Processing Emotions with Somatic Experiencing

In the current article I'm focusing on how Somatic Experiencing, also known as SE, processes emotions (see my article: Somatic Experiencing: A Mind-Body Oriented Therapy).

Somatic Experiencing was developed by Peter Levine in the 1970s. Like many other types of Experiential Therapies, SE was developed to address the limitations of traditional psychotherapy (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Psychotherapy to Resolve Trauma?).

How Does Somatic Experiencing Process Emotions?

Somatic Experiencing processes emotions by focusing on bodily sensations (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: What is Somatic Awareness?)).

Processing Emotions with Somatic Experiencing

Like other types of Experiential Therapy, Somatic Experiencing is a "bottom up" rather than a "top down" approach (see my article: What is the Difference Between a "Top Down" and "Bottom Up" Approach to Trauma Therapy?)

Clients are guided by their SE therapist to safely notice, feel and release tension related to trauma. This allows the nervous system to complete the interrupted stress response related to the trauma. These releases are often subtle.

What Are the Key Processes in SE to Process Emotions?

The key processes in SE include:

• A "Bottom Up" Approach: As mentioned above, instead of analyzing emotions, which is the usual way in traditional talk therapy, SE focuses on physical sensations to access and resolve underlying emotional experiences. These physical sensations might include tightness, warmth or pressure (to name a few).

Somatic Experiencing and Resourcing

• Resourcing: Prior to processing traumatic emotions, the client learns to develop a felt sense of calm and safety that can be accessed during times of activation related to processing the trauma (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

• Titration: Titration involves breaking down overwhelming traumatic memories into manageable pieces to avoid retraumatization during processing.

• Pendulation: Pendulation is shifting back and forth from a state of calm and safety to a state of discomfort related to the unresolved trauma.  This allows the nervous system to process traumatic emotions without being overwhelmed (see my article: Coping With Emotional Distress By Using the SE Technique of Pendulation).

• Discharging: As trapped energy related to the trauma is released, the client might experience physical sensations (e.g., heat). These sensations are often subtle.

Conclusion

Somatic Experiencing allows clients to process traumatic emotions and shift from a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response into a state of self regulation and relief.

I have been using Somatic Experiencing with clients regularly since 2011 and I have found that SE often combines well with other types of Experiential Therapy, like AEDP, EMDR and Parts Work.

Getting Help With Somatic Experiencing

If you feel stuck with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is also an SE practitioner.

Getting Help With Somatic Experiencing

Freeing yourself from unresolved trauma can allow you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Are the Therapeutic Benefits of Somatic Experiencing?  

What Does Processing Emotions Mean? 

How Are Emotions Processed in Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)?  

How Are Emotions Processed in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy?  

How Are Emotions Processed in Parts Work (IFS and Ego States) Therapy? 

What is the Life Cycle of an Emotion?