How to Cope With Pregnancy Loss When You and Your Partner Have Different Feelings About the Loss

Couples often discover that they might differ in their feelings about a pregnancy loss (see my articles:  Coping With Pregnancy Loss and Allowing Room For Grief).

You might understand how you and your partner feel different about many areas in your life, including different feelings about friends, family members, in-laws, religion, politics and other areas.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

But when you and your partner differ on your feelings about pregnancy loss, this can put a strain on the relationship, especially if each of you feels you're dealing with it in the "right way" and your partner is dealing with it in the "wrong way".

If you both have a hard time talking to each other about the way you feel, the loss can erode the relationship and, possibly, push you apart.

You might feel frustrated, angry and sad if:

• One of you wants to talk about the loss and other doesn't.

• Your partner experiences the loss in a different way from the way you do.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

• You feel alone because your partner doesn't understand how you feel or they might not want to talk about it.

• Your partner expresses feeling alone because you don't feel the same way they do.

• Your partner wants to "move on" to start making plans for the future including wanting to try again to get pregnant and you're not ready.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

• Your partner doesn't seem to think your feelings are as important as theirs.

• You might think your feelings are more important than your partner's feelings or vice versa.

• One or both of you feel you're either overreacting or under-reacting to the loss.

• Your partner doesn't feel  the pregnancy loss was really a loss at all, but you feel devastated by it (or vice versa).

• You feel your partner is getting all the attention from loved ones and you feel your feelings are being minimized or vice versa.

• You feel so upset about the loss that you're unable to be emotionally supportive of your partner.

• You feel the miscarriage was your fault and you have let down your partner.

• You feel so guilty and ashamed about the miscarriage that you feel too upset to talk about it.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information omitted to protect confidentiality:

Donna and Jack

Donna and Jack, who were both in their mid-30s, were married three years when Donna had a miscarriage during the ninth week of the pregnancy.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

They had been trying to get pregnant for two years and they were both elated when Donna found out she was pregnant. 

But several weeks later, Donna felt cramping which was similar to menstrual cramps. She also had lower back pain. Suddenly she noticed that she had vaginal bleeding and she realized she was having a miscarriage.

Jack rushed Donna to the hospital in their car and their worst fears were confirmed. The emergency room doctor was empathetic and tried to reassure them that miscarriages occur about 10-20% of the time. He also told them that she should see her OB-GYN.

Donna's OB-GYN reiterated what the ER doctor told them. He offered to refer them for counseling to deal with the loss, but neither of them was ready to speak with a counselor at that point.

They avoided telling their families for a few days because Donna was sure her family would blame her for the miscarriage and Jack thought his family would feel uncomfortable talking about the miscarriage.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

During that time, Donna tried to think about what she might have done that could have caused the miscarriage. Despite reassurances from her OB-GYN that she had done nothing to cause the miscarriage, Dona felt guilty and ashamed. She felt like she had let Jack down--despite Jack telling her that he didn't blame her and she shouldn't blame herself.

A few weeks later, they told their families about the miscarriage and both families reacted as they feared they might. Donna's mother told her that she must have done something to cause the miscarriage, which was hurtful to Donna, and Jack's family barely said a word about it. His mother came every few days to check in with them and to bring food, but neither of Jack's parents could bring themselves to talk about it.

A month later, Jack told Donna that he couldn't tolerate feeling sad about the miscarriage any more and he felt they should "move on" and try to get pregnant again. He knew Donna was still very sad, but he hoped that getting pregnant again would help Donna to feel better.

But Donna felt she couldn't even consider getting pregnant again so quickly. She feared she would have another miscarriage--even though her OB-GYN assured her that there was no reason why she shouldn't be able to have a baby.

Donna wanted to be able to talk to Jack about the loss, but Jack told her that he didn't think he could talk about it any more, "Donna, I don't know what else to say about the miscarriage. I feel sad too, but I need to feel we're moving ahead and creating a future together. Why wouldn't you want that too?"

Donna became angry and frustrated with Jack's response. She couldn't understand why he couldn't just be there for her without focusing on the future, "Besides, I can't even think about having sex at this point. I just don't feel sexual."

They decided to see a couples therapist who was also a sex therapist. Their therapist normalized that it's not unusual for two people to feel differently about a miscarriage or about any loss.  

She focused on getting them each to listen and validate each other's feelings.  She helped them to communicate with each other about how they were each feeling instead of focusing on the "right" or "wrong" way to feel.

When she encouraged them to create a ritual together to remember the loss, Donna suggested that they light candles for a week while they sat together in front of the candles to memorialize the loss. This worked out well for Jack because he felt he didn't have the words to talk about the loss outside the couples therapy session.

When they returned to their couples therapy session a week later, Donna said she was feeling somewhat calmer. She was still sad, but she didn't feel angry and frustrated with Jack. She said they sat together holding hands in front of the candles and she felt emotionally supported by Jack.

Jack said he felt less pressure to come up with what he wanted to say about the miscarriage. He also indicated that he felt a lot more empathy for Donna when they sat together in this way.

This was a turning point in their loss and, gradually, Donna was able to begin thinking about the possibility of trying to get pregnant again. She still wasn't in the mood to have sex, but Jack was patient.

Their couples therapist was also a sex therapist so they worked on reviving their physical intimacy together until they both felt ready to reconnect sexually. 

Initially, they focused on reconnecting emotionally and enjoying the sexual intimacy before they tried to get pregnant again.

How to Deal With Pregnancy Loss Together When You Each Have Different Feelings

• Accept You Both Have Different Feelings: It's normal for two people to feel and react differently to a loss. Also, two people can have different times when they grieve. Some people grieve immediately and others grieve in a few months (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

• Listen and Talk to Each Other: Even if you don't feel the same way your partner feels, allow your partner to tell you how they feel. If they can't talk about it, maybe they can write down their feelings. Be emotionally supportive of each other (see my article: Writing About Grief).

• Find Ways to Memorialize Your Loss: You and your partner can find ways to memorialize your loss together in whatever way is meaningful to you including lighting candles together or finding other meaningful rituals you can do together (see my article: The Power of Personal Rituals).

Get Help in Therapy

If you and your partner are unable to talk to each other about the loss, seek help in therapy. 

A skilled therapist, who has experience helping couples deal with pregnancy loss, can help you both to grieve in whatever way is meaningful to each of you.

Get Help in Therapy For Pregnancy Loss

Rather than struggling on your own and allowing the loss to erode your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can heal together.

Also see my other articles about grief:

Coping With Grief

Complicated Grief

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through their grief.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping with Pregnancy Loss

It is a little known fact that approximately 10-20% of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage.

The actual number might be even higher because most miscarriages occur early in the pregnancy and many women don't even realize they had a miscarriage. 

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

Some of these women don't even realize they were pregnant before they had a miscarriage.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

The sense of loss for women and their partners can be profound and isolating because, unlike other losses, there are no funerals or rituals to process this loss with their loved ones. 

In addition, family and friends are often not emotionally supportive. 

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

Some loved ones can be emotionally invalidating by brushing off the loss and telling the woman and her partner, "Oh, you can just try again" as if there was no loss at all involved with the miscarriage.

Aside from feeling the sadness of the loss, many women also feel ashamed and guilty because they believe they did something to cause the loss--even when it's objectively clear that they didn't.

Many loved ones believe a miscarriage is no loss at all because they believe there wasn't enough time for the woman to develop an emotional attachment. But this negates the fact that the woman and her partner had a dream of having a child and now that dream is lost.

Difficulty Grieving Pregnancy Loss

Many women and their partners never grieve for pregnancy loss, but the trauma of the miscarriage lives within them and between them.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

The lack of rituals to grieve the loss with loved ones often leads the woman and her partner to suppress their emotions about the loss so they can "move on" and try to get pregnant again.

What Are the Possible Consequences of Not Grieving a Pregnancy Loss?

Failing to process the loss can result in physical, emotional and relationship difficulties:

Physical symptoms might include:

• Fatigue
• Sleep disturbance
• Change in appetite (either under-eating or over-eating)
• Physical discomfort

Emotional symptoms might include:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder)
• Guilt
• Shame
• Complicated grief where the grief becomes prolonged and intense
• Isolation due to avoiding the judgment of others

Relationship difficulties might include:

• Difficulty communicating about their feelings about the miscarriage including fear of talking about the loss
• Problems being sexual with each other after the loss
• A higher risk of a breakup as compared to couples who experience a live birth

How to Cope With Pregnancy Loss

• Be Emotionally Supportive of Each Other: Even though you and your partner might not feel the same way about the pregnancy loss, be supportive of each other.

• Get Emotional Support From Loved Ones Who Understand: You want to confide in people who will be supportive and who will not make you feel emotionally invalidated. Anyone who would be likely to dismiss your feelings by saying, "Just move on and try to get pregnant again" isn't the right person to confide in.

• Grieve the Loss of the Pregnancy and Your Dream of Having a Baby At That Point in Your Life: Grieve in any way that is meaningful to you. Each of you might have different ways of grieving. Respect that. There is no one "right way" to grieve a pregnancy loss.

• Get Help in Therapy: Get help in couples therapy with a supportive therapist who helps clients with grief, especially grief related to a miscarriage. If your partner refuses to go, at first, start going yourself and your partner might join you in time.

Seeking Help in Therapy For Pregnancy Loss

You and your partner might not be ready to seek help in therapy immediately after the pregnancy loss, but don't struggle too long with your loss by yourselves.

Seeking Help in Therapy For Pregnancy Loss

A compassionate psychotherapist who has experience helping clients with loss can help you to grieve your loss so you don't develop the physical, emotional and relational problems mentioned above.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional has the expertise to help you to work through your loss.

Also See My Article:

How to Cope With Pregnancy Loss When You and Your Partner Have Different Feelings

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome grief.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Glimmers Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

What Are Glimmers?

The term "glimmer" was coined in 2018 by Deb Dana, LCSW as part of her work on the applications of the polyvagal theory to regarding psychological trauma.

Glimmers Give You a Momentary Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

A lot of people are familiar with trauma triggers (see my article: Coping With Trauma: Becoming Aware of Triggers), but fewer people are familiar with the terms "glimmers".

A glimmer is the opposite of a trauma trigger. A glimmer is an internal or external cue that gives you a sense of ease, safety or joy.

According to Deb Dana, LCSW, glimmers are gentle, yet powerful, ways that your nervous system finds moments of being okay--that might mean, as mentioned above, being calm, feeling at ease or feeling joy.

She indicates that glimmers happen all the time, but if you're not accustomed to noticing glimmers, you can miss them (see my article: Seeing Small Wonders All Around Us If We Take the Time to Notice).

So, it's important to develop the ability to find glimmers, notice them, feel them and celebrate them--even if it's just for a moment.

According to Deb Dana, when you begin to notice glimmers, you naturally look for more. 

She also indicates that glimmers are not toxic positivity or about "counting your blessings".  Instead, they're reminders that the human nervous system is built to hold both suffering and, at the same time. to notice moments of goodness. 

What is the Difference Between Trauma Triggers and Glimmers?

Trauma triggers are sensory reminders that cause you to feel unsafe because they are reminders of previous experiences of unresolved trauma.

Glimmers Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

Glimmers are the opposite of triggers, as mentioned above. 

Glimmers are also sensory cues, but they are sensory cues that make you feel calm, connected, safe, peaceful and possibly joyful.

What Are Examples of Common Glimmers?

Here are some common glimmers that you might experience:

• Enjoying the warmth of the sun
• Seeing a sunrise or a sunset
• Stargazing
• Enjoying the smell of fresh cut grass
• Walking in nature   
• Sipping your favorite coffee or tea

Glimmers Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

• Enjoying the breeze off the ocean
• Petting your dog or cat
• Seeing a rainbow
• Listening to soothing music
• Enjoying the taste of your favorite food
• Giving or getting a hug
• Receiving a smile
• Seeing a butterfly
• The internal sensation of feeling at peace with yourself and in peaceful surroundings

How Are Glimmers Beneficial to You?

When you have unresolved trauma, your body can be looking, consciously or unconsciously, for signs of possible danger--real or imagined.

When you're constantly on guard for danger, glimmers can be momentary internal or external cues that allow you to feel joy, connected and safe.

Glimmers Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

If you have been unable to recognize glimmers in the past and you're beginning to recognize glimmers now, you might be experiencing the early stage of recovering from trauma because, possibly, your body isn't as on guard as it used to be.

Even if you have just a moment of enjoying a glimmer, that's a moment when you're not hypervigilant or on guard waiting for danger to occur.

How Can Glimmers Support Your Healing From Psychological Trauma?
Here are some of the ways glimmers can support your healing from psychological trauma:

• Regulating Your Nervous System: Glimmers can help to regulate your nervous system by counteracting the hyperarousal from triggers related to trauma.

• Providing You With a Sense of Safety: By appreciating glimmers, you can let your "survival brain" know that. you are safe and this can reduce fear and anxiety.

• Building Resilience: Appreciating glimmers can strengthen your nervous system's ability to cope with stress, including the stress of overcoming unresolved trauma in therapy. Glimmers can also makes it easier to deal with other challenging situations (see my article: Resilience: Coping With Life's Inevitable Ups and Downs).

Glimmers Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

• Cultivating Optimism: Noticing glimmers can help you to shift your mindset from negative experiences to positive moments. This can also help you to internalize a positive outlook--even if it's for the moment.

• Developing Increased Self Awareness: Glimmers can help to promote increased self awareness and personal growth (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

• Promoting Emotional Healing: Noticing and appreciating glimmers on a regular basis can help to boost your mood, reduce depression and anxiety and improve your overall mental health.

How to Develop Your Awareness of Glimmers

Here are some suggestions that can help you to develop your awareness of glimmers:

• Use Your Senses: Notice what you see, hear, smell, sense/tactile and taste in the environment around you.

• Practice Mindfulness: Take time to be in the present moment (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation).

Glimmers Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

• Keep a Gratitude Journal: Notice, appreciate and write about the small things around you that bring you joy in a gratitude journal (see my article: Keeping a Gratitude Journal).

• Engage in Activities That You Enjoy: Spend time in nature, play your favorite music, dance, pursue your hobbies and engage in other activities that you enjoy.

• Curate Your Social Media: Unfollow accounts that trigger your trauma and you and follow accounts that are uplifting.

Conclusion

Glimmers can help you to improve your mental health.  

If you're working on unresolved trauma in therapy, glimmers can help you to experience moments of joy, calm and ease while. you're in trauma therapy.

Recognizing Glimmers During Trauma Therapy

As a trauma therapist, I recommend appreciating glimmers to my clients (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Anyone can learn to develop the skills of noticing and appreciating glimmers. It just takes practice and as you begin to notice them, continuing to recognize and appreciate glimmers can get easier over time.

About Me

I am a New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Helpful Tips on How to Make the Most Out of Your Couples Therapy

Couples therapy can be a transformative experience (see my article: What is EFT Couples Therapy?).

A skilled couples therapist can help you and your partner to overcome challenges in your relationship.

How to Make the Most Out of Couples Therapy

To get the most out of couples therapy, it's important to understand that it's common to feel a certain amount of anxiety and ambivalence, especially if you don't know what to expect (see my article: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious and Ambivalent at the Start of Therapy).

To help reduce your anxiety, it's helpful to know how to approach couples therapy so you can get the most out of it. 

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?

Couples can talk about a variety of issues (see my article: What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?).

Here are just a few of the issues that couples talk about in couples therapy:

• Communication problems

• Fear of intimacy
  

• Moving in together or getting married

• Sharing the mental load

• Infertility issues

• Grief and loss related to miscarriages

• Grief and loss due to the loss of a child

• Parenting issues

• Blended family issues

• Different perspectives about managing money

• Sexual issues

• Opening up your relationship to see other people (see my article: What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?)

• Aging

• Infidelity
  

• Problems with in-laws

• Retirement issues

• Divorce and co-parenting

• Taking care of aging parents

• Other major issues 

What Are the Do's and Don'ts in Couples Therapy

Do's in Couples Therapy:

• Approach Couples Therapy With Curiosity and Openness: It's important to state your feelings openly and honestly to your partner and to the couples therapist in session.

• Talk About What You Want: Being able to tell your couples therapist and your partner what you want to get out of couples therapy will help to define your goals. You might even be surprised that your partner might have different goals and these differences might need to be negotiated.

How to Make the Most Out of Couples Therapy

• Set Realistic Goals: Once you and your partner have agreed to what you want to get out of therapy, set realistic goals for the couples therapy. When you have goals, the couples therapy has direction and you can assess your progress. However, it's also important to know that progress in therapy isn't linear. This means that setbacks (where you take two steps forward and one step back) are a normal part of the process, so don't get discouraged (See my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Learner).

• Practice Active Listening in Your Sessions: Learning to actively listen to what your partner and your couples therapist say is an important part of couples therapy (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening in Your Relationship).

• Practice the Skills You Learn in Couples Therapy Between Sessions: Use the skills you learn in couples therapy between sessions so you can continue to hone your skills in your daily life with your partner.  If you run into obstacles, talk about it at your next couples therapy session so you can continue to develop these skills.  There might also be some topics that you and your partner will only discuss in couples therapy sessions until you both develop the necessary skills to talk about these issues between sessions.

Don'ts in Couples Therapy:

• Don't Wait Too Long to Start Couples Therapy: Many couples wait until they're ready to end the relationship to get help. Getting into couples therapy becomes their "last ditch effort". By then, it's often too late. The sooner you get help the better.

• Don't Focus on "Fixing" Your Partner: Focus on what you want to change about yourself in the relationship instead of having the attitude that you're there to "fix" your partner.

How to Make the Most Out of Couples Therapy

• Avoid Critical, Contemptuous or Defensive Behavior: You and your partner need to learn to approach your problems as a team rather than pointing fingers or blaming one another (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Avoiding the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse").

• Avoid Trying to "Fix" Your Partner: You and your partner need to approach your problems like a team, as previously mentioned. Instead, focus on the areas where you can grow.  Couples usually have negative patterns that each partner contributes to in their dynamic. So, part of the work in couples therapy is for you and your partner to learn work together as a team to change the negative patterns.

• Avoid Contacting the Therapist Privately Without Your Partner's Knowledge: Most couples therapists do individual sessions to get family and relationship history. However, other than those individual sessions, avoid speaking, texting or emailing the therapist without your partner's knowledge because this can undermine the therapy.  The couple is the client in couples therapy--not the individuals in relationship. Contacting the therapist privately without the other partner's knowledge often occurs when one person is trying to get the couples therapist to align with them against the partner, which a skilled couples therapist will not do.

• Avoid Keeping Secrets From Your partner and Your Therapist: Most couples therapists will not keep an individual's secrets in couples therapy. Keeping secrets from the therapist or your partner will become an obstacle to progress in therapy. For instance, if you're having a secret affair, most couples therapist will not work with you and your partner because the affair would be undermining your relationship.

Conclusion

Couples therapy can be beneficial for couples who are experiencing problems in their relationship.

You and your partner can learn to come together as a team in couples therapy to overcome the obstacles in your relationship.

If you and your partner decide that it would be best to end the relationship, a couples therapist can help you both to end the relationship as amicably as possible and come to an agreement about how to talk to your children about the end of the relationship and how to co-parent if these issues are applicable.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Compassionate Empathy?

In my prior article, Cognitive vs Affective Empathy, I discussed the difference between those two types of empathy.

Compassionate Empathy

In the current article I'm focusing on compassionate empathy.

    As a brief recap from the prior article:

• Cognitive Empathy means being able to think about and understand another person.

• Affective Empathy means being able to feel another person's feelings while staying grounded in your own experience.

What is Compassionate Empathy?

Compassionate empathy is empathy that combines cognitive and affective empathy so you understand intellectually what someone else is going through at the same time that you're able to feel their feelings while grounded in your own experience.

Compassionate Empathy

Compassionate empathy uses emotional intelligence to respond to another person's feelings without getting overwhelmed or trying to fix their problem.

When you experience compassionate empathy, you're supporting and empowering the other person to deal with their situation.

Compassionate empathy allows you to:

• See and feel the other person's feelings without your own feelings getting in the way and interfering with their situation

• Focus on the other person without pushing a particular outcome on them

• Validate the other person's feelings without giving advice--unless they ask for it

• Create a safe space for the other person to resolve their problem

• Help the other person to regulate their emotions so they can tap into their inner strength and wisdom

An Example of Compassionate Empathy

Your friend calls you to say she is very upset because she found out she didn't score well on the Law School Admission Test (LSAT) and now she's afraid she'll never achieve her dream of becoming a lawyer.

Compassionate Empathy

You invite your friend over so you can talk. When she gets to your place, she's still very upset and she tells you how much she wants to be a public defender and now she'll never be able to do that because of her low LSAT score.

You listen to your friend with compassionate empathy by allowing her to express her feelings while you understand and feel her feelings.

You validate her feelings by telling her, "I know how important your dream of becoming a public defender is to you. I can feel how sad and frustrated you are. I'm here for you. Tell me what else I can do for you."

Your friend feels soothed by you and she calms down. After she calms down and gets over her initial disappointment about not doing well on the LSAT, she remembers she can take the test again.  She also remembers that she can take a preparation course to improve her score the next time she takes the test.

Later on, your friend tells you she's glad she spoke to you. She says she realizes now that, even though she's disappointed, she doesn't have to give up on her dream. Then, she thanks you.

How Can You Develop Compassionate Empathy?

As mentioned above, compassionate empathy combines both cognitive and affective empathy so it's an important skill.

To develop compassionate empathy:

• Stay Calm: Make sure you have the emotional bandwidth to deal with your friend's feelings so you can be present and engage with your friend.

• Listen and Stay Attuned Without Being Judgmental: Listen to your friend and stay attuned to your friend's feelings as well as your own. When you remain present for your friend, you can experience compassionate empathy. You want to be non-judgmental so you can be fully present for your friend's feelings without giving advice, questioning or criticizing their feelings and motives.

Compassionate Empathy

• Mirror Your Friend's Feelings: Rather than giving your opinion, sense into your friend's feelings and reflect them back accurately and compassionately to your friend. When your friend experiences that you're in synch with their feelings, your friend can feel supported by you and calm down. This allows your friend to think more clearly,

• Validate Your Friend's Experience: When you validate your friend's experience, you say things like, "This sounds like it's very upsetting and difficult for you."

• Repeat These Steps If Your Friend's Feelings Escalate: If your friend is very upset, you might have to repeat your steps until your friend feels understood and they can calm down.

Conclusion

Compassionate empathy combines both affective and cognitive empathy. 

Compassionate Empathy

When you use compassionate empathy, you're using emotional intelligence to be responsive to another person without trying to fix their problem.

With compassionate empathy, you can be supportive and empower someone to deal with their situation.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Cognitive Empathy vs Affective Empathy: Thinking About Another Person's Feelings vs Feeling Their Feelings

I've written prior articles about empathy.

    See my articles: 

Why is Empathy Important in Therapy?

What is Empathic Failure in Therapy?

Empathy Between Friends

What is the Difference Between Affective Empathy and Cognitive Empathy?

In the current article, I'm focusing on the difference between affective empathy and cognitive empathy.

    Cognitive Empathy:

Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand another person's perspective. This means you're able to put yourself in another person's shoes to comprehend their point of view.

You can imagine what the other person is feeling.

You can also interpret another person's feelings, thoughts and motivations.

For instance, if your friend went to an audition for a part in the theater and she didn't get it, you can imagine how disappointed she is about not getting the part.

Instead of imagining the situation from your own point of view, you imagine it from your friend's perspective when she gets the bad news.

Affective Empathy:

Affective empathy is when you allow yourself to feel the other person's feelings. With affective empathy, you allow yourself to dip into the other person's emotional experience while staying grounded in your own experience.

Empathy in Psychotherapy

For instance, if your friend is sad because she didn't get the job, you can sense her sadness and feel sad too because you're resonating with her experience.

With affective empathy, you're more likely to try to help her than if you only experience cognitive empathy.

What Are Examples of Cognitive Empathy vs Affective Empathy?

Regarding the example above of your friend not getting the theater job, here are examples of cognitive and affective empathy:

• Cognitive Empathy: You tell your friend who didn't get the job, "I know you're sad about not getting the job and I know this is hard for you."

• Affective Empathy: You tell your friend, "I can feel your sadness and I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm here for you."

Both types of empathy are valuable. but they differ in their focus and the level of your emotional involvement.

Empathy in a Relationship

Cognitive empathy involves mental processing and understanding.

Affective empathy involves sharing emotions and emotional resonance between you and the other person.

Although some people are naturally more skilled at one type of empathy than another, both types of empathy are essential for understanding human emotion.

What is the Difference Between Empathy and Sympathy?

Empathy, as defined above, is allowing yourself to understand the other person's feelings (as in the case of cognitive empathy) and feel the other person's feelings while staying grounded in your own experience (as in the case of affective empathy). 

Affective empathy, in particular allows for a deep emotional connection.

Although someone can express concern and offer emotional support with sympathy, sympathy doesn't necessarily involve understanding or feeling the other person's feelings. 

Next Article: What is Compassionate Empathy?

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.