Leaving Therapy Prematurely: "Feeling Better" Isn't Always a Good Reason to Stop Therapy

While it's understandable that people want to feel better, feeling better isn't always a good reason to stop therapy--especially when there is unresolved trauma that remains unaddressed (see my article: Why Do Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely?).

Sometimes people leave therapy because they're afraid to deal with the emotions that come up when they do deeper work in therapy. 

Many of them have never learned to deal with uncomfortable emotions so, rather than talk to their therapist about this, they leave, but their problems remain unresolved (see my article: A "Flight Into Health" As An Escape From Therapy).

Leaving Therapy Prematurely

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette which is, as always, a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates why feeling better isn't always a good reason to leave therapy:

Bob

Bob, who was in his mid-30s, started therapy after his girlfriend left him. He was heartbroken and the breakup triggered feelings of abandonment from his early unresolved childhood trauma when his father left the family unexpectedly.

Bob began doing trauma therapy to deal with his current feelings of abandonment by his girlfriend as well as the earlier unresolved trauma.

After attending therapy for a few weeks, Bob met Marie at a party.  After a couple of weeks of dating Marie, he had all the "feel good" emotions people experience during the honeymoon phase of a relationship.

When Bob went to his next therapy session, he told his therapist he wanted to leave therapy. He said he no longer wanted to work on his earlier trauma because he was "feeling better." 

His therapist explained to Bob why it would be beneficial to complete the therapy. She told him that, even though he felt better at that point, his underlying abandonment issues were still present--even though he didn't feel them at that moment because he was head over heels for Marie.  

Bob decided to leave therapy against his therapist's advice. He was feeling great--until his relationship with Marie fell apart three months later when she told him she no longer wanted to see him.  Then, all his old abandonment feelings came rushing back and he felt worse than before.

When he returned to his trauma therapist, he returned with a much deeper understanding of what she told him before he left therapy a few months before.  This time he made a commitment to stay in therapy to work through his unresolved childhood abandonment issues. 

He understood at that point that "feeling better" due to external circumstances was not a reason for him to drop out of therapy.

Conclusion

It might sound counterintuitive that "feeling better" isn't always a good reason to leave therapy.  But when leaving therapy is based on external reasons and unresolved trauma doesn't get worked through, the trauma remains an underlying issue until it gets triggered again.

It might take longer than you anticipate to work through unresolved trauma, especially if there was a long pattern of childhood trauma, but keeping your commitment to work through these issues will help you in the long run to stop getting triggered.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have been struggling on your own with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in trauma work.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Living free from your trauma history can help you to live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience as a trauma therapist, I have helped individual adults and couples to work through unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

What is Parentification and Why Is It Traumatic?

Many clients who come to see me for unresolved trauma grew up as parentified children (see my article: What is the Impact of Parentification on Adult Relationships?).

The Traumatic Impact of Parentification

What Are Parentified Children?

Parentification is a role reversal between parents and children.

Parentified children are children who grew up taking on adult responsibilities in their family. 

These responsibilities might include:

• Providing emotional support to their parents 

• Taking care of younger siblings as a regular part of their chores

• Taking on major household chores that are normally done by adults

• Taking on the stress of financial problems and other major stressors in the family

• Mediating arguments between their parents and/or other adult family members

• Paying bills

• Making doctor's appointments, and so on

This often occurs when children's parents either can't or won't assume parental responsibilities and they might also unable to take care of themselves.

What Are the Signs of Parentification?

Some of the signs of parentification include:

• Children being praised by their parents and other adults for being "so good" or "so responsible" when they take on tasks beyond their developmental stage

• Children feeling they have to be the peacemakers in the family

• Getting in trouble with their parents when they wanted to engage in children's activities because parents wanted them to stay home to take care of adult responsibilities

The Traumatic Impact of Parentification

• As an adult not being able to remember being allowed to be a child

• As an adult feeling they were given responsibilities beyond their capacity as a child

• As an adult feeling they had to "grow up fast" (beyond their developmental capacities)

• As an adult only feeling comfortable in the role of a caretaker to a partner or spouse 

• As an adult feeling they have to be so "self reliant" to the point of not trusting others, including significant others, to come through for them

Why Causes Parentification?

Parentification can occur for many reasons.

In many instances the parents of parentified children grew up as parentified children themselves so it seems normal and familiar to them.  

The Traumatic Impact of Parentification

Since they were parentified children, these parents might never have learned to manage their emotions because they were preoccupied with taking care of their parents' emotions.  

As a result, it's not unusual to find a long history of parentified children from one generation to the next.

In other instances parents might have mental health or substance abuse problems and they are unable to take on parental responsibilities so one or more of their children take on these responsibilities.

Why is Parentification Traumatic?

Parentified children often feel they are special when they are children because they feel they are helping their parents and often get complimented for it. But, as adults, they might begin to sense that something didn't go right when they were children (see my article: Why is Past Trauma Affecting You Now?).

For instance, when they hear other adults talk about their childhood, many adults who grew up as parentified children sense they missed out on being a child.  For many people this is the beginning of their questioning why they took on their parents' responsibilities and what affect it might have had on them (see my article: How Developmental Trauma Affects How You Feel About Yourself).

Parentification also causes the disruption of the child's natural maturational process which often leads to negative consequences for their long term health and mental health including anxiety and depression and chronic health problems.

Parentification Can Cause Anxiety and Depression

In addition, as previously mentioned, parentification often develops into intergenerational trauma as the trauma is perpetuated from one generation to the next.

How Can You Heal From the Trauma of Parentification?

There are specific types of therapy, known as trauma therapy, for parentification and other types of developmental trauma:

EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

Ego States Therapy (similar to Internal Family Systems Therapy or Parts Work Therapy)

AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

Somatic Experiencing Therapy 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Parentification is more common than you might think.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Even though parentification might have been normalized in your family, you might realize it had a negative emotional impact on you.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a qualified trauma therapist so you can overcome trauma and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist with over 20 years of experience, I work with individual adults and couples to help them overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why is Past Trauma Affecting You Now?

One of the questions that I often hear from clients in my New York City psychotherapy private practice is, "Why is trauma from a long time ago still affecting me now?" (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Before discussing why past psychological trauma can still impact you now, let's first discuss the possible physical and emotional effects of unresolved trauma.

Possible Physical Effects of Unresolved Trauma

• Headaches
• Aches and pains throughout the body
• Tiredness
• Sweating
• Changes in appetite 
• Difficulty managing stress
• Sleep problems
• Memory problems
• Dizziness
• Changes in vision
• Long term health problems
• Fight response
• Fawn response
  
• Flight response
• Freeze response
  
• Substance Misuse and other addictive and compulsive behavior (e.g, gambling overspending, etc)

Possible Emotional Effects of Unresolved Trauma

• Anger/irritability
• Emotional numbing (an inability to feel strong emotions)
• Sadness and Grief
• Worrying
  
• Confusion
• Problems with knowing what you want
• Shame
  
• Fear
• Panic
  
• Hypervigilance: Being very alert to your surroundings because you fear something is going to happen
• A loss of a sense of who you are
• Flashbacks triggered by current situations
• Hypersensitivity to the comments and behavior of well-meaning people who are close to you

What Are Possible Day-to-Day Responses to Unresolved Trauma?

Unresolved trauma can impact your day-to-day living in terms of:

• Taking care of yourself
• Difficulty trusting others even when you have no objective reason to mistrust these particular people
• Difficulty maintaining romantic relationships, friendships and familial relationships
• Difficulty in school and college
• Difficulty setting goals
• Difficulty maintaining a job and getting along with managers and colleagues
• Difficulty making decisions
  
• Lack of motivation
• Difficulty with change
• Difficulty with how to manage free time 

Why Does Trauma That Happened a Long Time Ago Affect You Now?

Unresolved trauma remains stored in your mind and body.  

Regardless of when the trauma originally occurred, the impact can last for years if the trauma remains unresolved and untreated.

Everyone experiences unresolved trauma in their own way and symptoms can change over time.

You might not experience a noticeable impact of the trauma until it gets triggered later in life and, at that point, you might not understand what you're reacting to when you experience symptoms.

Even if the trauma occurred decades ago and the current situation doesn't appear to be related to what happened in the past, you could experience emotional and/or physical symptoms now based on what happened in the past (see Example #3 below).

Examples

#1. As a child, you grew up in a household where your parents would often have loud arguments at night which made you feel scared. As an adult, you live next door to a couple who has loud arguments and you feel scared because your neighbors are triggering your earlier experience.

#2. You were traumatized during combat by a nearby explosion and after you leave the military, you react physically and/or emotionally when a car backfires near you.

#3. When you were a child, you were in a situation where you were scared and helpless and then, as an adult, you're in a plane where there's a lot of turbulence which triggers your childhood feelings of fear and helplessness.

    

    Note: In Example #3 the two situations are different, but what gets triggered, fear and helplessness, is the same.

There are many other obvious as well as subtle triggers that can impact you long after the original trauma occurred.

Shock Trauma vs Developmental Trauma

Psychological trauma is usually categorized as either a one-time trauma, also known as a shock trauma, or developmental trauma, also known as childhood trauma.

Shock trauma tends to be incidents that occur once, such as a tornado, a car accident, a robbery, and so on (see my article: Understanding Shock Trauma)

Developmental trauma, which is trauma that tends to be ongoing during childhood (see my article: How Developmental Trauma Affects How You Feel About Yourself).

Developmental trauma usually tends to be of a more serious nature because it's ongoing.  However, a shock trauma can also trigger symptoms related to developmental trauma.

For instance, if a person is beaten up and robbed, which is a one-time trauma, that one-time incident can trigger symptoms related to being physically and emotionally abused as a child.

So, even when it appears that there aren't layers of trauma involved with a one-time incident, a trauma therapist needs to explore whether there are underlying traumas that are getting triggered, similar to Example #3 above.

Intergenerational Trauma

In addition, psychological trauma can get unconsciously passed on from one generation to the next (see my article:  What is Intergenerational Trauma?).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Unresolved trauma can get worked through in trauma therapy (see my article: What is Trauma Therapy?).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

There are now many different types of trauma therapy, such as:

EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

Somatic Experiencing

And other modalities that were developed specifically for trauma that can help you to work through trauma (see my article: Why Experiential (Mind-Body Oriented) Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist.

Once you have worked through your trauma, you can live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 25 years of experience as a trauma therapist, one of my specialties is helping clients to work through unresolved trauma.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW.- NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Deep Rooted Insecurity Can Affect Your Ability to Initiate Intimacy in Your Relationship

Deep rooted insecurity can create sexual problems, including problems with sexual initiation.  See my articles: 

How Your Attachment Style Can Affect Your Relationship

What is Your Sexual Initiation Style?

Insecurity often develops during the early attachment years of childhood when attachment styles develop (see my article: The Early Attachment Bond and Insecure Attachment).

Emotional Insecurity Can Affect Sexual Initiation

When children are emotionally invalidated by one or both parents, they often grow up feeling they are not good enough and unlovable (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

These feelings often carry over into adulthood and adult relationships, especially romantic relationships.

These insecurities aren't always evident during the early stage of a relationship because the heady new relationship energy (NRE) can mask these feelings, but once the so-called honeymoon phase is over and the relationship becomes more emotionally intimate, these insecurities become more evident because emotional intimacy includes vulnerability which can be scary for insecure adults (see my article: Vulnerability is the Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how insecurity can affect sexual intimacy and how therapy can help. As always, this vignette is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality.

Bob and Gina

During the early stage of their relationship, Bob and Gina, who were in their early 30s, were both satisfied with their emotional and sexual connection.  But a year into their relationship Bob stopped initiating sex and Gina was unhappy about this.

Whenever Gina initiated sex, they both enjoyed it. But, even after Bob promised he would initiate the next time, something always stopped him and he didn't understand what was getting in his way.

At first, Gina thought that Bob found her sexually undesirable because she had gained a little weight (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Affecting Your Sense of Self?).

Emotional Insecurity Can Affect Sexual Initiation

But Bob reassured her that he found her as attractive as ever and he wanted to initiate sex, but whenever they were in bed together, he felt too insecure and self conscious to initiate.

The longer the problem went on between them, the more ashamed and guilty Bob felt and the more emotionally and sexually frustrated Gina felt. 

After a while, Gina stopped initiating sex and she started flirting with a new male coworker who was also flirty. Although she liked the attention, she didn't want to have an affair, so she told Bob she wanted them to attend sex therapy as a couple.

During the early phase of sex therapy, their sex therapist had two individual sessions with each of them to get their family histories and sexual/relationship histories.

During his individual sessions Bob discussed how he was expected to fend for himself emotionally as a child. Whenever he felt sad or upset about anything, his parents dismissed and invalidated him. They told him he was "weak" for feeling this way and they refused to comfort him.

He grew up feeling he wasn't good enough and that he was unlovable. These feelings, which continued into adulthood, got in the way of all his romantic relationships. 

He told the sex therapist that, initially, during the early phase of a relationship, he was carried along by the excitement of the new relationship energy so he didn't have a problem initiating sex. But once the relationship became more emotionally intimate, all of his insecurities came up so he felt too insecure to initiate sex.

The sex therapist referred Bob to an individual trauma therapist to work on his early attachment issues and Gina and Bob continued to work in sex therapy as a couple.

Over time, Gina began to understand that Bob's insecurities about initiating sex had nothing to do with her.  She also developed empathy for what Bob went through as a child when his insecurity first developed.

Bob's individual trauma therapist used EMDR therapy and Somatic Experiencing therapy to help him to work through his early trauma.

Sex Therapy and Trauma Therapy Can Help

Their sex therapist, who worked in collaboration with the individual trauma therapist, helped Bob and Gina to gradually get comfortable with each other sexually.

Eventually, although it took a lot of work, the combination of individual trauma therapy and sex therapy helped Bob and Gina to have a more satisfying sex life together.

Conclusion

Early insecure attachment issues often carry over into adulthood and adult relationships.

Insecure attachment can show up in different ways in romantic relationships, including in a couple's sexual relationship.

Working on the early attachment issues and related sexual problems can help a couple to work through their problems so they can have a satisfying and meaningful relationship.

Even though the couple in the vignette was presented as a cisgender heterosexual monogamous couple, sexual problems can develop in any relationship regardless of gender, sexual orientation, sexual identity or relationship type, including consensually nonmonogamous relationships.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been unable to resolve sexual problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise you need.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Improving Communication in Your Relationship: Ask Your Partner, "Do You Want to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged?"

In recent months I've been doing a series of articles about improving communication in relationships.  

Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset

See my articles:

What's the Difference Between Complaining and Criticizing?

How to Stop Kitchen Sinking Your Partner

How to Change a Pattern of Defensive Behavior

How to Stop Stonewalling

How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex

Improving Communication: What Does Your Partner Need When They're Upset?

In the current article I'm focusing on a particular topic that comes up a lot with clients who are in individual therapy and couples therapy with me: How to respond when your partner is upset.

Your partner might need different things at different times when they're upset, so it's best to ask first before you jump in with a response that isn't helpful. 

They might want:

• To vent because they're feeling frustrated so they're not looking for a solution to their problems. They need to be heard, or

• To have a problem solving talk with you where they're looking for help with possible solutions, or

• To have a hug as a way for you to show affection and emotional support

Instead of jumping in with what you think they might need, it's better to ask them, "Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?"

Even if they weren't thinking about what they wanted when they started talking to you about what upset them, when you ask, you're helping them to clarify their needs. 

You're also helping them to feel empowered enough to ask for what they need.

Vignettes

The following vignettes, which are composites of many different cases, illustrate the importance of asking your partner what they need: 

    Vignette 1: Jan and Bill

When Jan came home from the office, she told her husband, Bill, she was so upset that she was passed over for a promotion and that she wanted to quit her job. After she told him that someone who was related to the senior vice president, someone with less experience than Jan, got the promotion, Bill launched into problem solving mode. 

Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset

Jan listened, but she felt increasingly frustrated until she stopped him mid-sentence and said, "The more I listen to you, the more upset I feel." Surprised, but wanting to be helpful, Bill asked compassionately, "What do you need from me?"  Jan hesitated at first to think about what she needed and then she said, "I just want to vent, so just hear me out." After she vented to Bill, Jan felt much better. Once she aired her frustration, she had a renewed sense of energy and clarity about what she wanted to do.

    Vignette 2: Alice and Nan

After Alice got off the phone with her sister, she told her wife, Nan, how angry she felt that her sister was being difficult about their parents' fiftieth wedding anniversary. She complained to Nan that her sister rejected all her suggestions for possible venues.

Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset

Nan listened attentively to Alice and validated Alice's feelings. Then, she gave her a big hug. Alice responded, "I appreciate the validation and the hug, but what I really want is help with solving this problem." Nan realized she responded in a way that wasn't the most helpful to Alice, so she got into problem solving mode and, together, they looked up venues and came up with possible ways to resolve the problem with Alice's sister.

    Vignette 3: John and Miguel

After dinner, John and Miguel sat down to talk about what they would do for the holidays. From the start of their relationship, Miguel's parents were loving towards them and affirming of their relationship. Whenever Miguel and John went to visit them, they welcomed John into their home just like they did with their other children's spouses and partners, and John felt comfortable around them. But John's parents told him they weren't ready to accept that he was gay and that he was a relationship. They told John that they wanted to see him for the holidays, but they weren't ready to extend the invitation to Miguel (see my article: LGBTQ Relationships: Dealing With Homophobia in Families).

Ask Your Partner What They Need When They're Upset

When John expressed his anger and sadness to Miguel, Miguel listened to John. From past similar talks with John where John needed different things, Miguel realized he wasn't sure what he needed from him in this situation, so he asked John, "What can I do for you right now that would be most helpful?"  John was moved by Miguel's empathy and concern and responded, "I already know that if my parents won't accept that I'm gay and they don't accept our relationship, I'm not going without you, so I've already made my decision. I just need a hug" and Miguel responded by putting his arms around John and giving him a big hug.

Discussion About the Vignettes

These vignettes illustrate that even well-meaning partners sometimes mistake what their partner needs.  

    Vignette 1: Bill assumed that Jan wanted problem solving suggestions, but Jan was feeling frustrated and his suggestions only made her feel more frustrated.  Once he allowed her to vent, she felt energized and she had the clarity she needed to proceed.

    Vignette 2: Nan responded to her wife, Alice, by validating Alice's concerns and giving her a hug. But, even though Alice appreciated the validation and the hug, what she actually needed was help with problem solving. Once they were both on the same wavelength, they were able to come up with possible solutions to the problem.

    Vignette 3: Miguel knew from prior similar talks with John that he wasn't always sure what John needed from him. So, with compassion and empathy, he asked John what he needed. In the past, John needed to be heard or he needed help with problem solving as it related to his parents' homophobia. But since John had already decided that he wouldn't go to his parents' home if they weren't accepting that he's gay and in a relationship with Miguel, what he needed was a hug, which Miguel was happy to give him.

Conclusion

Your partner might need different responses from you at different times even if they're talking about the same problem, so it's a good idea to ask each time what they need.

They might need one particular response or they might need a combination of responses.

A shorthand way to remember this is with the question, "Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?"

Even if your partner isn't sure what they need in the moment, your question can help them to clarify their needs so you can respond in the way that's most helpful.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT For Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

 

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

I wrote about the stages of love in a prior article (see my article: The 5 Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment).

In the current article I'm focusing on the stages a relationship often goes through when it's heading for a breakup.

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

Relationship endings are often hard to identify during the early stages. 

Even after the relationship ends, individuals often find it difficult to understand what led to the breakup.

Dr. Mark L. Knapp, a psychologist who is an expert in nonverbal communication, identifies the five stages of a relationship that is coming apart:

1. Differentiating: 

During this stage the couple has conflicts that emphasize their differences more than what they have in common. 

Instead of using the word "we", they use the word "I" more often in terms of wanting more autonomy and personal space. 

In general, the concept of differentiation is an important part of being an individual in a relationship. If both people in the relationship are otherwise satisfied, differentiation isn't unhealthy.  

In fact, differentiation is a healthy and necessary part of being in a relationship if the individuals use the differences to evaluate their individual needs so they can make any necessary changes in their relationship.

Healthy differentiation allows each person in the relationship to have their own hobbies, interests and personal space. This allows each person to grow as an individual at the same time they are in a relationship.

The problems arise when a couple is unable to negotiate their differences and these problems remain unresolved. 

An example of this is when a couple did not take the time to discuss their values and goals so that they find out after they get married that one of them wants to have children and the other does not and each person remains unyielding in what they want.

Over time, if there are frequent arguments that involve criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling, this erodes the relationship (see my article: To Improve Communication in Your Relationship, Eliminate the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse),

2. Circumscribing

During this stage communication deteriorates even further. Couples begin to deliberately limit their interactions together to avoid topics that can cause conflict.

As they spend less time together, the relationship becomes more superficial. 

Due to emotional distancing, the couple spends less time sharing their thoughts and feelings and they don't have meaningful conversations.

Communication is often limited to maintaining and status quo. 

For instance, the couple might only discuss topics like their schedules and household chores.

Each person in the relationship can feel like they're living in their own world rather than having the shared experience of being in a loving relationship. 

3. Stagnating

During this stage, communication is even more infrequent and when the couple communicates, it can feels forced and strained. 

Both people feel stuck and they don't know how to get unstuck but, at the same time, they might not want to end the relationship at this point.

The couple often finds themselves just going through the motions because they're not growing and evolving in the relationship. 

People often feel a sense of resignation and hopelessness during this stage.

While couples might remain together during the stagnating stage, their decision might be more out of habit, convenience or fear of change, but there is little or no effort to improve the relationship.

4. Avoiding

During this stage, a couple spends even less time around each other and there is even more emotional and physical distance between them. 

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

The couple might experience themselves as living separate lives. 

Even if neither of them makes the decision to end the relationship at this point, it can feel like the relationship is already over--even though neither of them have named it.

Avoidance becomes a way of life in the relationship. 

The couple might be sleeping in separate rooms, avoiding meaningful conversation and having little to no eye contact with each other.

5. Termination of the Relationship

This is the stage where the couple makes a decision to end the relationship. 

Communication is often limited to finalizing the end of the relationship in terms of finances, co-parenting arrangements, and other related topics.

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

The emotions each person might experience can range from relief to sadness and grief or a combination of many different emotions.

This coming apart stage often involves telling close friends and family about the breakup, making different living arrangements and deciding how to communicate if they have children. 

If they don't have children, the couple might decide to end all contact after the relationship is over or once the divorce is finalized.

Why It's Important to Recognize The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

Becoming aware of problems can help you to be more aware so you can navigate these problems and make active decisions about the relationship rather than allowing the relationship to slip away and deteriorate through neglect.

Being proactive can mean that you take steps to improve the relationship, if it can be improved, or that you make a decision to part ways.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help a couple to improve their relationship, if they want to remain together, or she can help a couple to end their relationship in a healthy way.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you're struggling with problems in your relationship, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a couples therapist to work through your problems.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT couples therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.