To Improve Intimacy in Your Relationship, Get Off the Sexual Staircase

In their book, Desire - An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships, Lauren Fogel Mersey, PsyD and Jennifer A. Vencill, PhD., discuss the "Sexual Staircase" to describe the kind of routine, goal-oriented sex that people engage in when they're having sex with their partner (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Improve Intimacy in Your Relationship

What is the Sexual Staircase?

According to Mersey and Vencill, the Sexual Staircase, which is a metaphor, is how most people think sex is "supposed to be."

The Sexual Staircase is a list of hierarchical steps that usually start at the bottom of the staircase with foreplay and ends with sexual intercourse and orgasm.

Depending upon the couple, the sexual acts between foreplay and intercourse can include kissing, caressing, genital touch, oral sex, and so on.

For many people in long term relationships these steps don't deviate. They engage in the same steps in the same way most or all of the time.  

After a while, people in long term relationships often skip some of the steps as they prioritize a goal-oriented approach that always ends with penetrative sex and strives for orgasm.  

Having sex the same way all the time becomes boring after a while (see my article: What is Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships?).

What's the Problem With the Sexual Staircase?

If you and your partner enjoy doing the same thing, the same way all of the time and neither of you have a problem with it, then there's nothing wrong with the Sexual Staircase for you.

But many people find this approach to be too routine and unfulfilling.  The problem is that they think this is the way they're supposed to do it, so they just keep doing it the same way.

People who find the Sexual Staircase boring, sexually unfulfilling or not applicable to them often have the following problems with it:

• It's a heteronormative sex script that focuses on cisgender heterosexual men. For heterosexual men, sexual intercourse is one of the most reliable ways to have an orgasm, but this isn't the case for most women (see below).

• It assumes that most people want penis-in-vagina sex even though there are many people who don't want it or it doesn't work for them because of problems with dyspareunia (persistent or recurrent genital pain that occurs during penetrative sex) or erectile unpredictability (a persistent or recurrent problem with getting and maintaining an erect penis) or because they're not heterosexual (see below).

• Sexual intercourse is the least reliable way for most women to have orgasms because they need direct clitoral stimulation, which they often don't get from sexual intercourse or clitoral stimulation is skipped altogether (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 1 and Part 2).

• The Sexual Staircase emphasizes goal-oriented, performative sex instead of focusing on sexual pleasure (see my article: What is Performative Sex and Why Is It a Problem?).

• In many long term relationships, the Sexual Staircase gets shorter and shorter over time so that there is little or no foreplay, which has a negative impact of women's sexual pleasure. The focus becomes getting sex over and done with it as quickly as possible because it's unsatisfying.

• In addition to problems with painful sex and erectile unpredictability, penetrative sex isn't always possible for a variety of reasons, including childbirth, certain disabilities, age-related physical limitations, surgery or other types of problems.

• When penetrative sex isn't possible (for whatever reason), many couples skip having sex altogether because penetrative sex is the only way they know how to have sex.  Over time, one or both of them become frustrated and dissatisfied.

• The heteronormativity of this model isn't useful for LGBTQ people, as previously mentioned. Many LGBTQ people assume that since they're not having penis-in-vagina sex, they're not having "real sex," which, of course, is false.  This often leads to feelings of shame, guilt and self consciousness about their sexual orientation.

The Wheel Model

The authors of Desire cite the Wheel Model, which was inspired by Robert T. Francoeur in his book, Becoming a Sexual Person (1991).

Picture a wheel that's divided into different sections with sexual activities represented in a non-hierarchical way.  

Rather than the linear, hierarchical model represented in the Sexual Staircase, in the Wheel Model none of the sexual activities has a higher priority over any of the others.  Other than sexual pleasure, there are no goals, which usually means less pressure for both people and more enjoyment.

In addition, with the Wheel Model, people can engage flexibly pick and chooe what they like, in whatever order they like without being constrained to the rigid model of the Sexual Staircase.

The authors provide an example of what sexual activities might be included in the Wheel Model:

• Kissing
• Caressing
• Touching
• Massaging
• Using a sex toy
• Showering together
• Cuddling
• Oral sex
• Orgasm
• Penetrative sex
• Manual stimulation

And more.

The sexual activities included with the Wheel Model are only limited by your imagination.

But this is not to say that you and your partner should engage in the activities they write about or that you should stop having sexual intercourse if it's enjoyable to both of you.  You can do whatever you both enjoy.

The Wheel Model helps to dispel the myth that there's one right way to have sex or that everyone should have the same predetermined sex script.  

Making Changes to Your Sex Script

Once again, I want to reiterate that if you and your partner are happy with your sex script, you can continue using it without a problem.

But if you're stuck in a routine and you're getting tired of doing the same thing over and over again, consider how you can work towards making changes  in your sex script (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

As Emily Nagoski, PhD., sex educator and author of the book, Come As You Are, says, "Pleasure is the measure."

This means "good sex" is what's pleasurable for both of you.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

A skilled sex therapist can help you to overcome sexual problems.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where the focus is on sex and relational problems getting in the way of sexual enjoyment (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?)

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Can You Learn to Trust Your Therapist When You Couldn't to Trust Your Family?

A common dilemma that comes up for people who have been traumatized is how they can trust their therapist when they weren't able to trust their family as they were growing up (see my article: Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families).

Developing a Sense of Trust in Therapy

Traumatized Clients Have Good Reasons Not to Trust

Most trauma therapists know that it often takes a while before a client can feel comfortable enough to open up.  And this makes sense when people grew up in homes where they couldn't trust family members. They have good reason not to trust a stranger right away--even if the stranger is a licensed psychotherapist.  

As a trauma therapist, who has been working with traumatized clients for over 20 years, I recommend that clients who contact me for help start by talking to me for 10-15 minutes on the phone before they set up a 60 minute consultation.

The 60 minute consultation is for them to talk about what they want to work on in a general way without delving too deep into their problem. I also suggest that they use the session to ask questions about how I work, my education and training, and get a sense of whether they feel comfortable enough with me to book another session.

The reason why I emphasize talking in broad terms during the consultation is that I want the client to feel as safe as they can without making themselves so emotionally vulnerable that they feel overly exposed emotionally after the session.

My Own Experience During My Training to Become a Therapist

When I was in training to be a psychotherapist 20+ years ago, I was required to be in my own three-time-a-week psychoanalysis as part of the training process.  This involved having consultations with potential senior therapists who were part of the institute where I trained.  

Since I was aware that these therapists were part of my institute where they taught and supervised students in the program, I wanted to make a good impression and appear to be a worthy therapist-in-training who had enough life experience to empathize with potential clients but also the potential skills to merit passing the training.

But these consultations turned out to be a lot more stressful than I anticipated because these first session involved delving deep into my history and my deepest emotional vulnerability.  

So, never having experienced this before, I walked out of the first consultation feeling like I was in an altered state.  Walking out into the street I felt all my senses felt heightened.  Everything I saw was brighter and noises were louder than usual.  Even though I knew I was having this experience because I had opened up too much, I still felt unsettled.  It was only after I could take a few deep breaths that I calmed down.

I knew that part of this altered experience was a psychological "fishbowl effect" of feeling exposed as a therapist-in-training where I knew I would run into this therapist at the institute and now she knew so much about my early personal history.

Soon after a few initial consultations, I returned to the first therapist I met and told her about the experience I had in the consultation with her.  Just being able to talk to her about it helped tremendously.  She was sincerely apologetic and I felt a lot more comfortable with her.  

During the next two consultations with the same therapist, my experience was completely different.  I felt safe and comfortable with her, and I eventually chose her because we clicked so well in the second and third consultations.

My Consultations With Psychotherapy Clients

I never forgot that experience and I remember it each time a client calls me for help. I usually spend 10-15 minutes talking to them on the phone and then, if they're interested, we set up an initial 60 minute consultation either in person or online (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

I want them to feel as safe, comfortable and in control of what they divulge in that initial consultation.  I also encourage them to ask me questions about the modalities I use and how I might work with their particular issue.  Since I have many different modalities that I use, I usually tell them what it might be like with each modality.

If clients choose to return, I check in with them to find out how they experienced the initial consultation.  If there is anything to process, we talk about it and I listen to what the client needs to feel safe.

During the next few sessions, I gather information about their history as it is relevant to their problem.  This usually includes family and relationship histories and, if they're coming to work on a sexual problem, their sexual history.

When I work with couples, after the initial consultation, I meet with each one individually for one or two sessions to talk about their individual histories.  I also emphasize that it's important for each of them to feel comfortable with me.

Preparation to Do Therapy

If clients come to work on unresolved trauma, after gathering information about their history, I help them to develop coping strategies to deal with whatever might come up in trauma therapy.  Depending upon the client, this could take anywhere from a few sessions to a few months of sessions (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

For instance, if a client already has good coping skills and they have a regular meditation practice or they practice yoga, that they might not need as much preparation as someone who is having panic attacks.  Specifically, the person who is having panic attacks needs help to overcome them before working on trauma.  So, each client will have different needs.

In addition, clients need to feel enough of a sense of trust and safety before they can begin processing trauma (see my article: Trauma Therapy: Why Establishing Safety For the Client is So Important Before Processing Trauma).

Empowering Clients in Therapy

I also let each client know that they are in control of the trauma processing no matter what type of therapy we're doing--whether it's EMDR Therapy, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP, Ego States Therapy or any of the other modalities which I use (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Developing a Sense of Trust in Therapy 

This is important because people who were traumatized weren't in control of their experiences, and new experiences in therapy can make them feel vulnerable.  So, it's important for them to feel empowered during the therapeutic process (see my article: Empowering Clients in Therapy).

I try to work with each client within their window of tolerance, and I'm usually good at tracking how clients are doing in session. But some people are so good at hiding their discomfort (they had a lot of practice since childhood) that they might hide it from me in order to appear to be a compliant client.  So, I encourage clients to tell me, to the extent that they know, before they get to the point of overwhelm, and I teach them how to detect these feelings.

Helping to get clients back to their window of tolerance could mean that the trauma processing stops temporarily in a session so we can do some grounding or containment  exercises and then return to processing the trauma in that session.  Or, it could mean that we stop and debrief for the rest of the session about what might have come up that was so disturbing.  It's up to the client how we proceed (see my article: Riding the Waves From Trauma to Transformation).

When You're Looking For a Therapist, Take It One Step at a Time

The following steps can be helpful when you're looking for a psychotherapist:

• Referrals: Get a referral from a trusted source--like your doctor or personal friend or you can read therapists profiles online on a professional therapist directory.

• Verify License: Make sure whoever you're considering is a licensed mental health professional. You can do this by looking up and verifying their name online in your particular state's professional licensing website (therapists are licensed by state).

• Look Beyond Location: I know a lot of people choose therapists based on geographic location these days and, while I understand the importance of convenience, I would encourage you to look beyond location.  As long as the therapist is licensed in your state, you can choose anyone, but looking up therapists based on whether they are walking distance from your home or office shouldn't be the sole criteria for choosing a therapist.

• Talk to Them: Take the time to speak with the therapist on the phone for a few minutes to find out if s/he has the expertise for your presenting problem.  You also might want to know how long they're practicing and what professional training they have.

• Do a Full Session Consultation: Do at least one initial consultation with the therapist and get a sense of whether you feel comfortable. This doesn't mean you're necessarily going to feel completely comfortable since, after all, you're speaking to a stranger.  It might take a few sessions to know if you feel a connection with a therapist.

Once You Begin Therapy: Tell Your Therapist If There's Anything That's Bothering You About the Therapy

Once if you've begun therapy, let your therapist know if anything has come up that's bothering. you (see my article: How to Talk to Your Therapist About Something That's Bothering You About Your Therapy).

Many people feel too intimidated to talk to their therapist about things that make them feel uncomfortable in the session or they don't know how to do it.  They're afraid the therapist will take it personally or that it might damage the therapeutic relationship.

This problem often originates in clients' history where, as children, they couldn't tell their family about things that made them feel uncomfortable. Back then, it might have been emotionally and/or physically dangerous to do this.  So, being able to talk to your therapist about misattunements or an empathic failure is an important part of your personal growth.

Once clients and their therapist work through any misattunement or other rupture, they often discover that the therapeutic relationship is enhanced when these ruptures get repaired in session (see my article:  Ruptures and Repairs Between You and Your Therapist).

If a therapist is unwilling to talk about a misattunement or rupture, this is often an indication that this isn't the right therapist for you.

Also, remember that not every therapist works well with every client, so even though the therapist might come highly recommended to you by someone you trust, you have to trust your own sense as to whether the therapist is the right for you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Getting help in therapy can feel like a daunting process, but it's less daunting than continuing to suffer with unresolved problems that are having a negative impact on you now.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How You Feel About Yourself Can Affect Whether of Not You're Attracted to Your Partner

In my prior article, Relationships: What is Attraction?, I discussed the conscious and unconscious aspects of attraction as it relates to relationships.

In the current article, I'm focusing on how a partner's intolerable feelings of inadequacy can result in the unconscious projection of negative feelings onto the other partner (see my article: Are You Projecting Your Negative Feelings About Yourself Onto Your Partner?).

Projections often don't occur until after the early stage of a relationship when the relationship becomes more emotionally intimate and the partner, who uses projection, feels more emotionally vulnerable (see my article: Romantic Attractions: What Are the 3 Stages of Limerence?).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates how an inability to tolerate negative feelings about oneself can lead to the use of projection:

Jack and Carla:

When Jack and Carla first met in college, they were immediately drawn to one another physically, romantically, emotionally and sexually, and they each felt they had never experienced so much love for anyone else.

Projection and Loss of Sexual Attraction in Relationships

They got married a year later with both of them still feeling so in love and lucky to have found each other.  But their problems began a few months after they got married and moved in together.

Although they had a great sex life before they got married, after they got married Jack gradually lost interest in sex and Carla yearned for their former passionate sex life (see my article: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Relationships?).

After six months of no sex, Jack blamed Carla for his lack of sexual desire.  He told her that he no longer felt attracted to her because she wore sweatpants in their apartment, and he thought this made her look unattractive.

At first, Carla thought Jack was joking, but she quickly realized he was serious and she was in a state of disbelief.

She knew she didn't look different from how she looked before they got married, but she acquiesced to his wishes and stopped wearing sweatpants. Instead, she made sure she was dressed in a nice top and slacks when she was at home and she wore sexy lingerie at night to be more attractive to him.  

But Jack told her that he still didn't feel attracted to her and he blamed the cellulite on the back of her legs for making her look unattractive.  

Carla felt deeply hurt. She told him that he had never complained about the cellulite before, but Jack brushed off her comment by saying, "I can't help it. That's how I feel."

After a year of no sex, Carla suggested they see a sex therapist to work out their problems.  Initially Jack didn't want to attend sex therapy, but he eventually agreed to go.  He hoped the sex therapist would see things his way. 

After the initial consultation where she met with Carla and Jack together, the sex therapist met with each of them separately to get their individual family, relationship and sexual histories.

Carla's family history revealed that she came from an intact stable family. She was the middle child of three children.  Her parents had a loving relationship, and Carla felt loved by her parents and siblings. The only notable trauma in the family was when Carla's father's business failed and the family suffered from a financial downturn for several months until the father took a job as a chief financial officer in a large corporation.  

Prior to her relationship with Jack, Carla had one other serious relationship while she was in college with her classmate, Bill.  They were together for two years and they mutually agreed to end their relationship in an amicable manner.

With regard to Carla's sexual history, she had a few casual sexual encounters while she was in college and she had no history of sexual trauma.

Jack's family history was tumultuous. He was an only child, and his parents had separated and gotten back together several times during Jack's childhood due to the father's infidelity.  Both parents were highly critical of Jack and he grew up with a lot of shame. In addition, their financial situation tended to be precarious.  

With regard to his relationships prior to Carla, Jack had been in two short term relationships which started out sexually passionate and fizzled out after a few months.  He told the therapist that he tended to get bored with his girlfriends and lose interest.

During his last year of high school and until he began seeing Carla in college, Jack had many brief casual sexual encounters.  He denied any sexual trauma.

During their sex therapy sessions, Jack spoke about how his attraction for Carla waned soon after they got married.  He believed that if it was possible for her to have a medical procedure to remove the cellulite, he would feel attracted to her again.

Objectively, the sex therapist could see that both Jack and Carla were attractive people and she didn't believe cellulite had anything to do with Jack's lack of sexual interest in Carla.  

The sex therapist suspected that Jack was unconsciously projecting his own feelings of low self worth, which originated in childhood, onto Carla. She was also aware that Jack had no awareness of this because he was doing it unconsciously.

As they discussed sexual attraction, the therapist provided Jack and Carla with psychoeducation about the different types of attraction.

She also had individual sessions with Jack and Carla.  During the individual sessions with Jack, she broached the topic of projection as a defense mechanism.  But Jack was adamant that projection had nothing to do with how he felt toward Carla.

During the next several months Jack threatened to stop attending sex therapy whenever the therapist tried to help him to make a connection between how he was treated as a child and how he was treating Carla.  He refused to see the connection.

Gradually, after a couple of years, Jack developed a more trusting therapeutic relationship with the sex therapist so he could open up more to explore his inner world of longstanding disavowed shame.  

Over time, he was able to look at Carla more objectively and see that she was actually a very attractive and desirable woman and that he was, in fact, projecting his own feelings of inadequacy onto Carla.  

That's when Jack sought help in individual therapy to work on his unresolved trauma and shame. Over time, he learned to contain and work through his feelings without projecting them onto Carla. 

Carla remained patient, and she also sought help in her own individual therapy to deal with Jack's hurtful criticism about her body.  At one point, she talked to her individual therapist about the possibility of ending the marriage, but when she saw Jack making progress, she decided to stay.

Once Jack acknowledged he was projecting his own feelings of inadequacy onto Carla, this allowed the sex therapist to focus on helping the couple to revive their sex life.

Sex Therapy Can Help Couples to Revive Their Sex Life Together

Their sex therapist gave them homework assignments to help them develop greater emotional land sexual intimacy.  

Conclusion

Projection is an unconscious defense mechanism that people who have unresolved childhood trauma often use with their partners.  

The fact that it is unconscious makes it difficult for people to see and acknowledge what they're doing. 

In addition, they often have difficulty trusting the therapist when she points out how they use projection with their partner.

Projection is used as a way of pushing unwanted and disavowed trauma-related feelings onto a partner.

When projections are used, they are often used after the initial limerence phase of the relationship when the couple's emotional and sexual intimacy increases and the partner, who uses projection, feels too emotionally vulnerable in the relationship.

Since vulnerability is essential to developing greater emotional and sexual intimacy in a relationship, the partner who uses projection needs to be willing to develop self awareness, stop using projection, and find other ways to cope and overcome disavowed feelings in order for the relationship to improve (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Couples stop having sex for varied and complex reasons.

Sex therapy, which is a form of talk therapy, can help (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Individual adults and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you have unresolved sexual problems, you could benefit from getting help in sex therapy to have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: What is Attraction?

Attraction plays an essential role in all relationships whether they are romantic, platonic or collegial.

What is Attraction?

When you understand why you're attracted (or not) to others, including your spouse or partner, you can gain a deeper understanding into how you form connections and develop relationships.

What is Attraction?

There are conscious and unconscious aspects to attractions.

Usually people think of attraction as meaning only physical attraction.  But that's only one aspect of attraction and, although it's important, it's a superficial aspect.

What is Attraction?

Attraction is complex, so there is no one-size-fits all definition for attraction.  

Attraction can vary over time. In other words, certain experiences can influence your attractions.

For instance, you might meet someone and feel attracted to them, but that initial feeling of attraction can disappear quickly after you speak to them and you see them in a negative light based on your conversation. 

What is Attraction?

Similarly, you might meet someone and you're not attracted to them initially, but once. you get to know them, you might feel drawn to them. Maybe you discover personality traits, common interests or other things that make you feel attracted to them.

What Are the Different Types of Attraction?

As previously mentioned, attraction is a complex combination of conscious and unconscious factors. 

There are many different types of attractions, including but not limited to:

• Physical Attraction: A desire for physical connection but not necessarily sexual or romantic connection

• Sexual Attraction: A desire for intimate, sexual contact but not necessarily any other type of attraction

• Emotional Attraction: A desire for emotional contact but not necessarily sexual or physical contact

• Romantic Attraction: A desire that can include physical, emotional or sexual attraction

• Aesthetic Attraction: An admiration for someone's appearance without necessarily feeling any other type of attraction to that person

How Do Your Feelings About Yourself Contribute to Your Attractions in an Unconscious Way?

The use of projection is an unconscious defense mechanism that forms early in life.

An example of unconsciously projecting your feelings about yourself onto someone else is when you don't feel good about yourself and you project your feelings about yourself onto someone else (see my article: Are You Projecting Your Negative Feelings About Yourself Onto Your Spouse?).

Projecting Unconscious Feelings About Yourself onto Your Partner

Using projection as a defense mechanism is common in relationships of all types, especially in long term committed relationships.  

This usually occurs when someone finds their own feelings of shame or inadequacy too difficult to contain so they project these feelings onto their partner.

When this occurs, someone might mistakenly assume that they're no longer attracted to their partner when, in reality, it's about their own intolerable feelings him or herself.

Why is it Important For You to Understand How You Experience Attractions?

Understanding how and why you experience certain attractions is an important part of developing self awareness about how you develop and maintain healthy relationships, including long term relationships (see my article: Relationships Skills: How to Develop Self Awareness).

In addition, if you know your attractions tend to lead to unhealthy relationships, you can develop better self awareness to help you to set healthier boundaries (see my article: Are You Attracted to People Who Hurt You?).

In addition, as previously mentioned, when projection is used as an unconscious defense mechanism to project negative feelings onto a partner, understanding this dynamic is often key to saving an otherwise good relationship.

See My Next Article

Relationships: How Projecting One's Feelings of Inadequacy onto a Partner Can Result in Lack of Attraction.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from getting help in therapy.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are getting in the way of your leading a more fulfilling life, so rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

It's Common and Normal to Have Fantasies

In prior articles, I've discussed many different aspects of romantic and sexual fantasies (see my articles: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies and Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

Fantasies Are Common and Normal

The current article focuses on how and why sexual fantasies are normal and common.  

What Are Fantasies?

There are many definitions for fantasies.  

Basically, fantasies are imaginary scenarios that people play out in their mind.  Sometimes these fantasies are new or recurring scenarios and/or they might be based on memories.

Many fantasies are never acted upon, but they can still be enjoyed in your mind.

In general, fantasies can be about anything, including but not limited to:

• Imagining winning the lottery
• Thinking about what it would be like to be famous
• Imagining what it would be like to travel around the world
• Imagining being someone else--either someone you know in real life or a character in a TV program, movie or book
• Imagining having certain super powers
• Having thoughts about having an affair you have no intention of doing real life
• Imagining being in a more interesting job
• Entertaining yourself while you're bored
• Playing with "what if...." scenarios in your mind: "What if he likes me the way I like him?" or "What if I accept that new job offer?" or "What if I take a risk?"
• Imagining what you would do in a worst case scenario as a form of mental rehearsal
• Imagining what you might have said or might say to someone in a conversation
• Imagining how you'll feel if you accomplish a goal that's important to you
• Having thoughts about what your life might be like under different circumstances

And so on.

What Are the Benefits of Fantasizing?

In general, there can be many benefits to having fantasies whether they are enacted or not.

Fantasies Are Common and Normal

Here are just a few:

• Helping you to get to know yourself better by seeing yourself in new and unfamiliar situations
• Helping you to see alternatives to the way you are now
• Coming up with creative solutions to problems
• Using a fantasy as a mental rehearsal before acting on it in real life
• Acting as a compensatory wish you derive satisfaction from--even though you won't do it in real life
• Boosting your mood
• Getting yourself out of a rut
• Becoming open to new experiences
• Providing you with a temporary escape from your current situation
• Energizing you mentally, emotionally and physically

Why Are Some People Afraid of Their Fantasies?

From an early age, many people are taught (implicitly or explicitly) that fantasizing, in general, is wrong.

For instance, young students are often scolded for not paying attention in class if they're daydreaming.  And, although it's important that students learn their lessons in class, it's also important for young minds to explore and create in their fantasies.  After all, play--whether it's children's play or adult play--is about being creative.

Many people are taught at a young age that having daydreams and fantasies are a waste of time.  They're taught that actively doing is more important than imagining. 

While it's true that if you only daydream about your hopes and dreams and never do anything to bring them to fruition you won't get very far, the seeds of creative ideas often begin with a daydream or fantasy that can be the start of fulfilling your dreams.

Why Are Some People Afraid Specifically of Their Sexual Fantasies?

Having sexual fantasies is common and normal as I have been reiterating.  In fact, research on sexual fantasies has revealed that 3 out of 4 people have sexual fantasies.

So, if sexual fantasies are common, why are some people uncomfortable with the idea of them?

Discomfort and fear of sexual fantasies are often based on certain religious, cultural or familial prohibitions that indicate that sex in general shouldn't even be thought about--much less engaged in--before marriage.  

However, these prohibitions can have a lasting effect.  For many people it's not like flipping a switch after they get married to suddenly feel comfortable with sex and sexual fantasies.  They might still have a vague feeling that it's wrong.

For many people sexual fantasies can cause fear, confusion, anxiety, guilt, shame and ambivalence.  On a certain level, some people might enjoy a sexual fantasy--even one they have no intention of carrying out--but on another level they feel bad about it.

On the other hand, other people find it exciting to engage in sexual fantasies that are taboo, so it depends on the individual (see my article: A Cornertone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules).

What Are the Benefits of Sexual Fantasies?

As mentioned earlier, fantasies are normal and common.

The mind is creative and exploratory, so having fantasies, sexual or otherwise, is one way that people can satisfy their needs and wants.

Fantasies Are Common and Normal

People have sexual fantasies regardless of gender, sex, sexual orientation, age, race, marital status, ability/disability or other factors.

Sexual fantasies often help to promote sexual arousal.  

For instance, if you and your partner have scheduled time to have sex in a few days, having fantasies about it can help to build sexual anticipation and excitement (see my article: Creating Sexual Desire Using the Sex Drive Simmer Technique and Anticipation and Longing as an Erotic Aphrodisiac).

Sexual fantasies can also help to boost sexual confidence in many ways, including having a fantasy of being able to initiate and enjoy sex.

Should You Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner?

Sharing a sexual fantasies with a partner can be empowering and fun if your partner is open to talking about fantasies.

Typically, sharing sexual fantasies can strengthen the bond between partners.  

However, if your partner tends to be judgmental or unsure, it could have the opposite effect.

Sometimes the problem is with the word "fantasy" so, instead, you can ask what your partner might be curious about sexually (see my article: Substituting the Words "What's Your Fantasy?" With "What Are You Sexually Curious About?").

What Can You Do and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Wavelength About Sexual Fantasies?

Some people like sharing their fantasies with their partner and others like to keep it private.  

If you do want to share your sexual fantasies, be aware that it's not unusual for individuals in a relationship to have differences when it comes to sexual fantasies.

Just like anything else, including the kinds of food you each like, sexual fantasies can be unique for each person.  

What one person enjoys, the other person might not.  Or one of you might have a rich sexual fantasy life and the other might not be comfortable with sexual fantasies at all.

Others might want to talk about their fantasies, but they don't know how (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1) and Part 2).

If you feel the differences between you and your partner are getting in the way of having a pleasurable sex life, these differences can often be negotiated and worked out in sex therapy.  

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

People seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you're struggling with sexual issues, you could benefit from seeking help in sex therapy to have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.