What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill?

Emotional validation is seeing, understanding, respecting and accepting another person's emotional experience--even when you don't agree with them.  When you validate your partner's emotional experience, you show that you care and your partner feels heard and loved (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse and 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship).

Emotional Validation is a Powerful Relationship Skill

What is the Difference Between Emotional Validation and Invalidation?

Emotional validation lets a partner know they are understood and cared about. Invalidation is the opposite (see my article: Having the Courage to Admit You Made a Mistake).

Emotional Validation vs Emotional Invalidation

Invalidation occurs when respond to your partner's emotional experience by

• defending (as in acting defensive)
• ignoring
• dismissing 
• rejecting or
• criticizing

Most of the time when someone in a relationship invalidates a partner's emotions it's not intentional. They're not intentionally trying to hurt their partner.  

Invalidation occurs because someone hasn't developed emotional validation skills. Most likely, they grew up in a home where their emotional experiences weren't validated.  Instead of being validated, their emotions weren't seen or heard a lot of the time (see my article: Growing Up Feel Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

The good news is that emotional validation can be learned.  It takes a lot of motivation and practice, but it can be done.

Scenarios of Emotional Invalidation vs Validation

You might recognize some of the following scenarios of invalidation as examples of when you invalidated your partner's emotions or you were on the receiving end of invalidation.  

You can also learn from the examples how to change the way you respond to your partner.

Here are scenarios showing an invalidating response and then the validating response.

Scenario 1

Jane: I felt so embarrassed and angry today. My boss criticized me in front of my staff.  

    Invalidating Response

    Bob: You shouldn't feel that way. You know he's an idiot.

Emotional Invalidation

    

    Validating Response

    Bob: You look really upset. I can understand how you feel that way.

Scenario 2

Jim: When I showed my dad my second place award for my artwork, he said I should've gotten first place for all the money he spent on my art lessons when I was a kid. I felt so ashamed when he said that.

    Invalidating Response

    Linda: Just forget about it. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

   Validating Response

    Linda: Wow. I can see why that was so hurtful.

Scenario 3

Lynn: When I told my sister that I signed up for acting classes, she told me that was silly and I should just grow up. She's been criticizing me ever since we were kids.

    Invalidating Response

    Jack: Stop being so sensitive. 

Emotional Invalidation

    Validating Response

    Jack: I know you've been really looking forward to those lessons, so I can see why your sister's comment hurt you so much.

Scenario 4

Ina: You really hurt my feelings when you said you think I'm too old to take dance lessons.

    Invalidating Response

    Bill: Well, Ina, you are too old.  You're almost 40. You're going to be in that class with people much younger than you. 

    Validating Response

    Bill: I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. There's no reason you can't take those lessons. Maybe I'm the one who's feeling old and I took it out on you.

Scenario 5

Tania: I feel hurt that you forgot my birthday.

    Invalidating Response

    Tom: Don't make a big deal out of it! I'm not perfect. Are you perfect?

    Validating Response

    Tom: I understand why you're hurt and I'm sorry. 

Scenario 6

Mary: You don't care about me--you didn't even notice that I'm wearing a new outfit. 

    Invalidating Response

Jack: Why do you need so much praise? You're so needy.

    Validating Response

Jack: I can see how you feel that way. I need to get better at noticing these things. And I do love you.

Scenario 7

John: I felt so hurt when you flirted with my friend, Joe, last night.

    Invalidating Response

    Barbara: You're so clingy! Get over it! It's not like I slept with him!

Emotional Invalidation

    Validating Response

    Barbara: I can see why you felt that way. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I won't do it again.

Scenario 8

Ona: You kept staring at that attractive woman last night and ignoring me. I felt hurt.

    Invalidating Response

    Brad: I'm married to you--not her. Can't a guy even look at another woman without getting the third degree?

    Validating Response

    Brad: You're right. I shouldn't have stared like that. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.

Scenario 9

Joe: Whenever you fly, I get so anxious.

    Invalidating Response

    Nick: There's nothing to be afraid of. You know flying is safer than driving. Get over it.

Emotional Invalidation

    Validating Response

    Nick: I get that you're anxious because your brother died in a plane crash. From now on, I'll call you as soon as the plane lands.

Scenario 10

Paula: You ignored me when I told you I wasn't feeling well.

    Invalidating Response

    Lance: You know I don't like talking when I'm watching the game. It's not like you were dying.

    Validating Response

    Lance: You're right. I did ignore you and I'm sorry. You're more important to me than the game.

Discussion About the Invalidating and Validating Responses

Do you recognize yourself or your partner in some of these invalidating responses?  

What do you notice about the invalidating responses?  

You can probably see that they are insensitive and lacking in empathy.  

As mentioned earlier in this article, these invalidating responses are also examples of behavior that is either:

• defending (as in acting defensive)
• ignoring
• dismissing 
• rejecting or
• criticizing

In addition, some of these responses show contempt which, according to relationship expert, Dr. John Gottman, is very damaging to a relationship.  

In fact, Dr. Gottman, who has been doing research on relationships for decades and who has a 90%+ success rate at predicting when a relationship will fail, indicates that contempt, along with criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling, which he coined The 4 Horses of the Apocalypse, is one of the signs that a relationship in serious trouble.  

If you're accustomed to responding by invalidating your partner's feelings, you might not see it immediately, but take a look at Scenario 3 where Jack accuses Lynn of being "sensitive." His response goes beyond being invalidating--it shows contempt as well as being shaming.  

Scenario 6, where Jack responds to Mary with an accusation that she's being sensitive, is also a form of contempt.  Ditto for Scenario 7 where Barbara accuses Jack of being clingy.

What do you notice about the validating responses?

These statements are non-defensive so that the partners aren't trying to explain away or justify their behavior.  

They're also not ignoring, dismissing, rejecting or criticizing their partner's feelings.  And there are no signs of contempt.

The validating statements show that the partner understands what their partner is feeling--even if they don't completely agree with it  (see my article: Making and Receiving Loving Gestures to Repair an Argument).

For example, in Scenario 6, Mary concluded that Jack didn't care about her because he didn't notice her new outfit.  While Jack acknowledged he didn't notice her outfit and he understood her feelings, he also let her know that he does care about her.  So, he validated her feelings while he also told, tactfully, her how he really feels.

Conclusion

Emotional invalidation is hurtful.  

Unfortunately, it's also common, especially among people who were emotionally invalidated as children.  It becomes a learned response that people often have a hard time seeing when it's pointed out to them because it's so deeply ingrained in them since childhood.

Emotional validation is a powerful relationship skill because it allows your partner to feel seen, supported and cared about by you.

It's also a skill that can be learned.

I'll discuss how to learn and practice emotional validation in my next article: How to Develop and Use Emotional Validation Skills in Your Relationship.

Also see my article: What is Self Validation?.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Can Modern Day Age-Gap Relationships Last?

The term "age-gap relationships" refers to relationships where the age difference is at least 10 years or more.  These type of relationships are also called "May-December" relationships.

Age-Gap Relationship: Older Woman With Younger Man

Growing Social Acceptance, But There is Still Some Social Disapproval

There is growing social acceptance for age-gap relationships because many people believe that "age is just a number." They don't see the age difference as a deal breaker.  

In addition, people are generally living longer and healthier lives so they can enter into new relationships more easily than people from past generations.

There are also famous examples of relationships where there is a large age gap, including French President Emmanuel Macron and his wife, Brigitte, who is almost 25 years older than him. And, as of this writing, they have been married for 15 years.  

Despite growing acceptance, there is still significant social disapproval and a stigma against age-gap relationships.  An individual's sex, culture and age are determining factors as to whether someone approves or disapproves of these relationships.

Although most people prefer to be with someone close to their own age, in the Western world, it has been estimated that approximately 8% of heterosexual relationships are age-gap relationships with an age difference of 10 years or more.  

Historically, age-gap relationships have involved older men with younger women.  But there are now more older women and younger men who are entering into these relationships (see my articles: Relationships Between Older Women and Younger Men - Part 1 and Part 2).

There are also gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender age-gap relationships, but there's not as much research about them.  Hopefully, there will be more research in the future.

Why is There Still a Stigma Against Age-Gap Relationships?

A stigma still exists based on a long history of suspicion about relationships where there is a big age difference.  

Age-Gap Relationships: Younger Woman With Older Man

The most common reason for this stigma is the perception that one of the people (either older or younger) is using and taking advantage of the other person.

If it's an older man and a younger woman, many people believe he's "creepy" and going through a midlife crisis, and she's a "gold digger."  

If it's an older woman and a younger man, many people believe that he's a "gold digger" and she's having a midlife crisis and trying to recapture her youth.

Underlying some of this judgement and criticism might be a lack of understanding about what brings two people together--regardless of their chronological age.

In addition, there might also be an element of envy among people who are living a more conventional life and who secretly wish they could live outside the confines of tradition.

What Are the Possible Advantages and Disadvantages of Age-Gap Relationships

It's important to recognize that, just like any two people, the individuals in an age-gap relationship are unique individuals in particular circumstances.  So, what works for one couple might not work for another.  

At the same time, generally speaking, there can be certain challenges and benefits to these relationships.

    

    Possible Challenges:

• Different Life Stages:  This is probably the biggest perceived challenge of age-gap relationships.  Although this isn't necessarily a challenge for every relationship where there is a big age difference, it can be a challenge for others.  For instance, there is often a challenge if one person wants to have children and the other has already had children and doesn't want any more or they are unable to have children due to age (although there are now medical advances to address infertility and other options, like adoption).  If children aren't a consideration, different life stages can be easier for the couple to negotiate.

• Power Dynamics: When there's a significant age difference, there could be problems with power dynamics with the older person, who has more life experience and who might have more money and professional success, having more power in the relationship than the younger person (regardless of sex, race or sexual orientation).  However, this is an issue that can be worked out if the couple is aware of it, communicates well and makes an effort to change it.

    Possible Benefits:

• Living Longer: Some people in age-gap relationships live longer.  This might be due to a healthier outlook on life as well as a younger partner's ability to take care of the older partner later in life.

• Many Younger Men Prefer Older Women (and vice versa): Younger men who are in relationships with older women often say they prefer older women because they have more life experience, and they tend to be more confident, assertive and mature. Also, older women often know what they want both in and out of bed and usually have more sexual experience than younger women (see my articles: Who Says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex? and Many Older Women Remain Sexually Active).  In addition, many older women say they get along better with younger men, who have the same youthful outlook as they do.  They also see younger men as healthier more energetic than most older men.  In addition, older women and younger men are often more sexually compatible.

• Many Younger Women Prefer Older Men (and vice versa): Similar to younger men who prefer older women, younger women, who are attracted to older men, often say that older men offer more emotional and financial stability.  As compared to younger men, older men are often established in their career and they have more time for relationships.  Also, since they are no longer focused on building a career, they often have more time for relationships.  Similarly, older men often prefer the company of younger women because of their youthful outlook and appearance.  Also, they can still have children.

Reframing Concepts Related to Age-Gap Relationships

People who in age-gap relationships are usually well aware of the social disapproval and stigma associated with their relationships.  

In certain situations, the adult children of the older person attempt to interfere with the relationship because they fear their parent is being taken advantage of (as previously mentioned) or that they will lose their inheritance to the parent's younger partner.  The older partner would be wise to address these issues directly with his or her adult children instead of allowing suspicion and resentment to grow.

Social disapproval, stigma and family conflict often mean that there can be conflict within the relationship due to external pressure.  But if the couple is able to work on and transcend these difficulties, they can build a stronger relationship.  

Tips on How You Can Have a Lasting Age-Gap Relationship

While there are no guarantees for any relationship, regardless of age, these tips can help a couple to have a happier relationship when there's a big age difference:

• Share Your Expectations With Each Other: Knowing what you each want and expect can be helpful for navigating the differences in an age-gap relationship.  This helps to avoid misunderstandings and disappointments.

• Embrace Your Differences: Regardless of age, there will be differences between two people in any relationship.  Every couple is unique.  If you both know, accept and appreciate that you're each at different stages of life, your relationship is more likely to succeed.

• Focus on Mutual Interests: You and your partner might have come together initially because of mutual interests.  When you enjoy these interests and activities together, you can both enjoy each other more than if you're focused on your age difference.

• Be Willing to Explore Your Partner's World: Your partner might have a unique perspective in certain areas.  A willingness to explore those perspectives can make life more interesting and exciting.  It can also help you to grow and bring the two of you closer together.

• Talk About Possible Caretaking of an Older Partner: Rather than shying away from this challenging issue, talk about it in advance.  Know what you each want and expect and what would be involved.

Conclusion

Although there is still some social disapproval, there is growing acceptance of age-gap relationships in our society.

In the end, it all comes down to the two individuals in the relationship.  

Talking about your expectations, embracing your differences, focusing on mutual interests, showing a willingness to explore your partner's perspectives, and talking about real life issues involved when there is an age difference can contribute to the success of an age-gap relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples in traditional and non-traditional relationships (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Wellness: Don't Yuck Anybody's Yum

According to Dr. Emily Nagoski, sex educator and author of Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, disgust and shame are learned at an early age (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

To illustrate her point, Dr. Nagoski writes that an infant is unlikely to touch a toy that her parents have responded to with disgust because the infant already understands on a visceral level what disgust is--even if she doesn't have the words to express it.   

Needless to say, if babies learn about disgust at such a young age, older children and teens respond to a parent's disgust with shame and guilt, which can last a lifetime.

What Does "Don't Yuck Anybody's Yum" Mean?

"Don't yuck anybody's yum" is an urban expression and can be applied to any preference whether it's food, sex or anything else.

Don't Yuck Anybody's Yum

For instance, with regard to food, someone from a particular culture might show open disgust for the food preferences of a person from another culture.  This is disrespectful and shaming.

With regard to sex, the phrase "Don't yuck anybody's yum" is a sex positive concept that means, as long as sex is between consenting adults, you shouldn't shame or judge someone else's sexual activities (see my articles: What is Power Play? and How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires - Part 1 and Part 2).

If you don't like it, don't do it.  But keep your negative views to yourself because a judgmental attitude is psychologically harmful to others (see my article: Potential Pitfalls When You Talk to Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires).

An Early Childhood Experience of Yucking Someone's Yum

It's a common experience for a child to get caught masturbating by a parent.  Although it's normal for children to discover pleasure through masturbation, according to Dr. Nagoski, if a parent expresses disgust when she finds her child masturbating, the shame often has a lasting psychological impact when this child becomes an adult (see my article: Looking at Your Childhood Trauma From an Adult Perspective).

If this same child experiences many instances of her parent's disgust for masturbation, those experiences can get encoded in her brain so that she associates sexual pleasure as disgusting, shameful and guilt ridden.  

This adult might have no explicit childhood memory of her parent's disgust, but she will have an implicit (unconscious) memory that will interfere with her sexual pleasure as an adult, and she probably won't even know why.  

She can grow up feeling conflicted about sexual pleasure.  On the one hand, it feels physically pleasurable.  But, on the other hand, the psychological association of shame and disgust connected to sexual pleasure will also be present at the same time.

Let's say this same woman doesn't even have conscious emotions of shame or guilt.  Her reaction might be somatic (in the body) instead (emotions are held in the body) so that when she is being sexual by herself or with a partner, her somatic reaction is to get nauseated.  

Since there is no conscious memory of her mother reacting with disgust and no conscious guilt or shame, she will probably be confused as to why she feels nauseated when she touches herself or when her partner touches her genitals.

She might go from one medical doctor to the next, taking expensive medical tests and spending a lot of money trying to find out why she gets an upset stomach during sex.  And given the cause, the doctors don't find anything physically wrong with her.  They might tell her that her nausea is "idiopathic," which just means that the cause is unknown.  

If she's fortunate enough to see a medical doctor who suspects a psychological cause for her nauseau during sex, she might be referred to a psychotherapist.  

If she's really lucky, she might find a therapist who works somatically using the mind-body connection so that her early trauma can get worked through by uncoupling the shame from sexual pleasure.  This uncoupling would free her to enjoy sex (see my articles: Using Somatic Psychotherapy When the Client Has No Words to Describe the Problem and Somatic Experiencing: Tuning Into the Mind-Body Connection).

A Common Adult Experience of Yucking Somebody's Yum

It often takes a lot of courage for someone to share their sexual fantasies and desires with a sexual partner--even if the sexual partner is a romantic partner or a spouse.  

A Woman Showing Disgust For Her Partner's Sexual Fantasy

When those fantasies and desires are considered unconventional, like kink or BDSM (bondage, discipline/dominance, sadism/submission and masochism), the partner might express disgust, shock or some other form of disapproval, which would be shaming for the person who made him or herself emotionally vulnerable enough to talk about their desires (see my article: What is Power Play? and Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies About Power and Submission).

To be sure, no one should ever be forced into doing anything they don't want to do sexually. At the same time, it's much less hurtful for a partner to respond tactfully that they wouldn't find these activities appealing and then come up with their own suggestions to reassure their partner that they still want to have sex and bond with them emotionally.

Conclusion

Parental expressions of disgust for a child who is masturbating can have a lasting detrimental impact on a child throughout their life, especially when it comes from a parent.  

As the child becomes an adult, the impact can ruin adult romantic and sexual relationships.

In adult relationships, romantic and sexual partners can also inadvertently shame their significant other when they express disgust or disapproval for certain sexual acts desired by their partner.

As long as these sexual acts are between consenting adults, it's important to be respectful of other people's choices rather than being judgmental or critical.  

You have the right to dislike a sexual act and the right not to engage in it, but you don't have the right to shame anyone, so be tactful and kind.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist,  hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and people in relationships (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Compatibility Can Develop and Evolve Over Time

One of the most common problems that brings people into sex therapy is what they perceive as sexual incompatibility, including sexual desire discrepancy. Sexual desire discrepancy means that you and your partner aren't in synch with regard to what you each want to do sexually and/or how often you want to have sex.

Sexual Compatibility Can Develop and Evolve Over Time

As I mentioned in an earlier article, sexual desire discrepancy can occur at any time for many reasons, including but not limited to:

• Not knowing each other sexually during the early stage of a relationship
• Stress
• Hormonal issues
• Medication side effects
• Negative body image
  
• Unresolved resentment between partners
  
• Trust issues
  
• Lack of sexual experience as an individual and/or as a couple                                
• Lack of emotional intimacy and vulnerability
• Sexual boredom
  

Sexual Compatibility Doesn't Always Happen Naturally

Most people assume that sexual compatibility just happens naturally during the early stage of a relationship.  They think it's either there or it's not.  

But the reality is that sexual compatibility often doesn't always happen naturally.

I'll unpack these ideas in this article.  For now, the idea to grasp is that since sexual compatibility isn't automatic, the most important thing is a willingness to put the time and effort into communicating and working on your sex life.  

More about this later in this article (see my articles: Is a Willingness to Have Sex Enough to Get Started - Part 1 and Part 2).

The Early Stage of a Relationship: Getting to Know Each Other

When you first start seeing someone new, you're getting to know all kinds of things about them, including what they want and don't want in a relationship, their beliefs and values, what kinds of activities they enjoy and so on.  

The Early Stage of a Relationship: Getting to Know Each Other

Over time, if you enjoy each other's company and you spend time together, you'll probably  discover you both like certain things and not other things. 

For instance, you might both share a passion for hiking, but you also love going to the gym a few times a week and they don't.  Or, you both love sushi, but they also like hamburgers and you don't.  

If you both really like each other and you want to see how the relationship develops, you wouldn't automatically rule each other out because of these differences.  You would probably try to find ways to make your similarities and differences work.  

Similarly, when it comes to sexual compatibility, you might not have swinging off the chandelier sex at the beginning of a relationship because you're getting to know each other and what each of you like (see my article: What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

Obviously, if one of you believes that sex is the life blood of your existence and the other finds everything about sex repugnant, things might not work out between you.  But if your views about sex are similar enough, you can work out the differences because sexual compatibility can develop and evolve over time.

For instance, a common problem that couples talk about in sex therapy relates to sexual frequency.  A lot of people assume that if you and your partner have differences in how often you want sex, this means you're sexually incompatible and the relationship is doomed.  

But it's normal and common for two people in a relationship to have differences in how often they want sex.  

You wouldn't think it was unusual if you love to go dancing two or three times a week but your partner only likes to go once a week.  If everything else about the relationship is good, you would probably find a way to compromise.  

Similarly, a shift in your attitude can make a big difference when it comes to sexual frequency.  Instead of focusing on quantity, focus on quality.  

If you like having sex 2-3 times per week, but your partner prefers once a week, you could take care of your sexual needs by pleasuring yourself because, ultimately, you're responsible for your own sexual needs (see my article: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self - Part 1 and Part 2).

Spontaneous Sexual Arousal and Responsive Sexual Arousal

Another common difference between people is how easily they become sexually aroused.  Some people, including many men and some women, experience spontaneous sexual arousal. 

Other people, including many women and some men, experience responsive sexual arousal (see my article: (see my article: Spontaneous and Responsive Sexual Arousal Are Both Normal).

Spontaneous arousal is what is frequently portrayed in movies and in mainstream pornography: Two people look at each other with desire and they immediately tear each other's clothes off because they can't wait to have sex.

Even though spontaneous arousal is portrayed as being better, in real life sexual arousal isn't always spontaneous at all.  

In addition, neither spontaneous nor responsive sexual arousal is better or worse.  It's just different.  And both types of arousal are common and normal.

Depending upon the couple, to overcome a difference in how each person experiences sexual arousal, it's often a matter of the person who experiences spontaneous arousal slowing down until their partner, whose arousal is responsive, gets caught up.  

Rather than this being a chore for the person with spontaneous arousal, slowing down allows them to savor pleasure so this can be a sexual turn on if they're able to enjoy the sexual anticipation (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

Getting to Know Each Other's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes

Everyone is wired differently when it comes to sex and that's normal.

Sex educator and author, Dr. Emily Nagoski, discusses the idea of sexual accelerators and brakes in her book, Come As You Are, when she writes about the Dual Control Model of human sexual response.

Getting to Know Each Other's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes

The Dual Control Model, which is a theoretical model, was originally developed by Dr. John Bancroft and Dr. Erick Janssen of the Kinsey Institute in the late 1990s.  Briefly: This model says that sexual response in individuals is a balance between sexual excitement and sexual inhibition.

To simplify the concept of the Dual Control Model and make it understandable to the general public, Dr. Nagoski refers to sexual excitement (turn-ons) as sexual accelerators and sexual inhibitors (turn-offs) as brakes, similar to an accelerator and brake in a car (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

Just like you're getting to know each other in other ways, you're also getting to know each other sexually.  And part of getting to know each other sexually is getting to know each of your turn-ons (accelerators) and your turn-offs (brakes) over time (see my article: Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

Some people's sexual accelerators are more sensitive than their brakes.  For those people, getting turned on is relatively easy, and their turn-offs don't usually get in the way much.  

Other people have sexual brakes (inhibitions) that are more sensitive.  In order for them to get turned on, they need to deactivate (lower) their inhibitions before they can get turned on.  

If you're someone whose sexual accelerators are more sensitive than your brakes but you're in a relationship with someone whose brakes are more sensitive, there's nothing wrong with this.  In fact, it's common and normal.  It just means that the two of you will need to find a way to make it work for both of you (I'll give an example of this below).

As you get to know each other, you'll also discover sexual differences in terms of turn-ons and turn-offs. For instance, you might enjoy sex when you're really stressed out.  Maybe stress helps you to feel energized to have sex.  Not only does it make you feel closer to your partner, but sex is what you need to relieve stress.  So, stress is a sexual accelerator for you.  

But for your partner, stress is a brake.  They can't relax enough to have sex if they're under a lot of stress.  Stress really gets in the way for them.

So, you can find a compromise.  Maybe when you feel energized by stress and you're eager to have sex, you slow down a bit to help your stressed out partner by giving them a massage to help them relax.  The physical touch can be sexually invigorating for you and calming for your partner.  Then, when your partner is relaxed enough to have sex, you can both enjoy it.

According to Dr. Nagoski, for most people to become sexually aroused, it's a matter of deactivating the brake and activating the accelerator.  

A Willingness to Have Sex and Work on the Differences is Often Enough to Improve Sexual Compatibility

As I mentioned earlier, a willingness to have sex is often enough to get people started.  

This often means that one or both people aren't necessarily turned on when they start having sex, but they know they will become turned on once they get into it.

A willingness to have sex and to be open to novelty can go a long way to improving sexual compatibility.

Clinical Vignettes: Sexual Compatibility in a Relationship Can Develop and Evolve Over Time

The following vignettes are composites of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Tom and Gina: When Tom and Gina first met, they clicked right away.  Their first conversation started at a mutual friend's party and continued over drinks later that night.  They had a mutual attraction, and they discovered they had a lot in common in terms of their interests, family background and values.  

Two weeks later, Gina asked Tom to come over one night for drinks.  As they kissed and cuddled on the couch, she invited him to spend the night.  They had both been anticipating and looking forward to this night.  But things didn't go as smoothly as they had anticipated. 

Spontaneous vs Responsive Sexual Arousal

Whereas Tom got so turned on immediately (spontaneous arousal) that he wanted to have penetrative sex immediately, Gina wasn't ready to have intercourse right away. She told him that she needed kiss more and be caressed to get sexually turned on (responsive arousal).  

So, Tom slowed down and kissed and caressed Gina in ways that were pleasurable to both of them.  He also learned from her that she didn't enjoy penetrative sex as much if she didn't have oral sex first (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 1 and Part 2). 

So, he learned. how to please Gina so they could both enjoy sex (see my article: Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Prelude to Sexual Intercourse).

Alice and Jane: Jane and Alice had strong sexual chemistry from the start.  They both enjoyed sex together, but whereas Jane especially loved to have sex when she was stressed out, Alice needed to feel relaxed before she could enjoy sex.  In other words, stress was a sexual accelerator for Jane, but it was a brake for Alice.  

Getting to Know Each Other's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes

So, over time, Jane learned to slow down to help Alice to relax before they had sex.  

Over time, Jane and Alice learned how to create an environment to enhance sexual pleasure for both of them.  Jane knew that Alice liked to listen to smooth jazz to help her relax and get into the mood for sex, so she made an effort to set up the music before they went to bed.  

Alice knew that Jane liked to watch feminist pornography (also known as ethical porn) to get her turned on, so Alice had certain videos on hand that turned them both on.  They also both liked to give and get massages.  For Jane, it was sexually stimulating and for Alice, it was relaxing.  

Bruce and Ed: When Bruce and Ed first met, they were both very passionate about having sex.  They had sex frequently, including long weekends in bed.  But several months into their relationship, they weren't as passionate with one another.  Some of that new relationship energy had decreased over time and they were having less sex--although Ed usually wanted to have sex more often than Bruce (sexual desire discrepancy).  

Sexual Compatibility Can Evolve Over Time

Sometimes Bruce was willing to start having sex with Ed because he knew he would eventually get turned on (responsive arousal and a willingness to have sex).  But there were times when Bruce wanted to have sex once a week when Ed wanted to have sex 3-4 times a week.  

At first, they argued about it because Ed felt rejected whenever Bruce didn't want to have sex as frequently.  Eventually they worked out an agreement where Ed would masturbate to pornography during those times when Bruce didn't want to have sex. 

This worked out for both of them for a while, but two years into the relationship, Ed wasn't satisfied with this.  As a result, they agreed to have a consensual nonmonogamous relationship (also known as an ethical nonmonogamy).  

They worked out a detailed written agreement until they were both comfortable with it.  Essentially, their agreement indicated that they were primary partners to each other, but they could have sexual affairs with other people as long as they each knew about who they were sleeping with.  The agreement also indicated that these affairs would be strictly sexual and not emotional, and they would be short affairs.  Over time, they revised their agreement to meet each other's needs.

Conclusion

Sexual compatibility can develop and evolve over time.  

Contrary to popular opinion, sexual compatibility doesn't just happen automatically.  Sometimes the newness of the relationship brings sexual passion and excitement. 

But sometimes it takes a couple a while to get in synch with each other at the beginning of a new relationship because each person needs to get to know the other in terms of sexual arousal (spontaneous or responsive arousal) and turn-ons and turn-offs (accelerators and brakes) and find a way to compromise.

A willingness to have sex is often enough for both people to get aroused and enjoy sex.  

Sexual compatibility also changes over time.  Once the new relationship energy subsides, a couple might need to find other ways to enhance their sex life.

The most important takeaway is that a couple who experiences sexual desire discrepancy--whether it's at the beginning of their relationship or later on--can learn to work out these issues.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Many couples experience sexual desire discrepancy as an overwhelming problem, especially if this problem is longstanding and resentment has built up over time.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Working with a skilled sex therapist can help a couple to find new ways to overcome desire discrepancy so that they both enjoy a fulfilling sex life together (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Psychotherapists Learn to Get Comfortable Talking About Sex

Considering how common sexual problems are for individuals and people in relationships, it's surprising that most postgraduate psychotherapy training programs don't even offer one course about sex (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Psychotherapists Learn to Get Comfortable Talking About Sex?

Even the more progressive programs might offer only one elective course that isn't nearly enough to deal with all the sexual issues that clients deal with on a daily basis, including (but not limited to):

• sexual desire discrepancy 
• difficulty talking about sex in a relationship
  
• sexual arousal issues
• an orgasm gap in a relationship
  
• arousal nonconcordance
• guilt and shame about sex and sexual fantasies
• the paradox of love and sexual desire
  
• sexual fluidity
• ethical nonmonogamy (also called consensual nonmonogamy)
• negative body image

And so on.

Even many couples therapists aren't trained to deal with sex-related problems, which is even more surprising.  Many believe that if they help couples to be more emotionally intimate, this will automatically resolve their sexual problems, but very often it doesn't.

Worse still, clients usually sense when their therapists are uncomfortable about certain topics, especially sex, and they avoid talking about it--to their detriment.

Unfortunately, this can reinforce the idea that sex is a taboo, shameful topic to discuss--even in therapy.  This confirms the messages clients often get throughout their life--in their families, culture, religion and in society in general (see my article: What Does Sex Positive Mean?).

Clients can go through an extended period of time in therapy without the topic of sex ever coming up.  This is usually because both the therapist and the client avoid bringing it up--sometimes consciously and often unconsciously.

In addition, since sex isn't a topic covered in most postgraduate psychotherapy training programs, psychotherapists often don't know about their own blindspots, prejudices, countertransference and possible unresolved sexual trauma.

What Can Psychotherapists Do to Get Comfortable Talking About Sex?

As previously mentioned, when you avoid talking about sex, this can increase a client's shame and guilt about their sexual issues, which is not what most therapists want to do.  

So, what can therapists do who aren't sufficiently trained or comfortable to talk about sex with their clients?

• Get Professional Training: There are sex therapy postgraduate training programs that provide sex therapy certificates for licensed psychotherapists.  If you don't want to get certified in sex therapy, institutes like the Institute For Contemporary Psychotherapy (ICP) in New York City or the Modern Sex Therapy Institutes offer continuing education courses you can take on specific topics, including basic principles and practices of sex therapy, problems with sexual discrepancy issues in relationships, sexual arousal issues, countertransferential issues, and so on.  Many of these courses are online and they are taught by recognized sex therapy experts in the field.  

• Get Clinical Supervision From a Certified Sex Therapist: If you know you lack training, seek supervision from a skilled sex therapist who can provide you with clinical guidance.  

• Keep Up With the Sex Therapy Literature: There are excellent books available that you can read to educate yourself. The following is a list of some of the many books which are available:

• Come as Your Are By Dr. Emily Nagoski
• So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex by Dr. Ian Kerner
• Transforming Sexual Narratives by Dr. Suzanne Iasenza
• Mating in Captivity by Dr. Esther Perel
• Tell Me What You Want by Dr. Justin Lehmiller
• The Erotic Mind by Dr. Jack Morin
• Becoming Cliterate by Dr. Laurie Mintz
• Better Sex Through Mindfulness by Dr. Lori Brotto
• The Leather Couch - Clinical Issues With Kinky Clients by Stefani Goerlich, LMSW
• Becoming a Kink Aware Therapist by Caroline Shabaz, MA and Peter Chirinos, MA
• Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern, MS
• Open Monogamy by Dr. Tammy Nelson

• Listen to Podcasts: There are excellent podcasts available for free on many contemporary sex issues, including:

• Sex and Psychology with Dr. Justin Lehmiller (he also writes a blog)
• Foreplay Radio with Dr. Laurie Watson and George Faller, LMFT
• Sexology with Dr. Nazanin Moali
• Sluts and Scholars with Nicoletta Heidegger, LMFT
• Sex With Emily with Dr. Emily Morse
• Sex With Dr. Jess with Dr. Jess O'Reilly

• Know Your Blindspots and Seek Help in Your Own Sex Therapy: Without a doubt, therapists can't be experts on every topic, but it's important to know your own blindspots that could get in the way of helping your clients, and to seek help for yourself if necessary:

• Do you have your own sexual issues or problems in your relationship that you're still struggling with that require professional help? 

• Were you raised in a traditional family where sex was considered sinful so that you struggle now with sexual issues?

• Are there particular sexual issues that make you cringe which could add to a client's guilt or shame?

• Work Within the Scope of Your Expertise and Know When to Refer Out: As previously mentioned, there are so many issues in contemporary psychotherapy that clients bring into treatment so that no therapist can be an expert in everything.  Without even realizing it, many therapists provide clients with the wrong information that doesn't work for them. This will leave clients feeling like they have failed or, worse still, that their situation is hopeless. So, if you know you're not professionally trained or personally equipped to talk about certain sexual topics, know when to refer out to a skilled sex therapist.  You'll be helping your client and yourself.  Also, most sex therapists are willing to do adjunctive therapy with your client where you can remain the primary therapist for other issues and you and the sex therapist can collaborate if this is agreeable to your client and to you.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing therapist and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.