Are You Feeling a Sexual Attraction For a Friend?

In my last article, 5 Reasons to Be Friends First Before Dating Someone, I discussed the advantages of being friends before getting romantically involved.  And, while there are many advantages to forming a friendship first, there can also be complications involved.

Are You Feeling a Sexual Attraction For a Friend?

Sexual Attraction Between Friends

It's not unusual that two friends, who aren't romantically involved, can feel a sexual attraction for each other.  As I mentioned in my previous article, friendships often involve an attraction.

Sexual tension between friends is normal and natural.  Spending time together and sharing similar interests not only strengthens the bonds of friendship--it can also increase the sexual tension between two people.  

In and of itself, sexual tension between friends is neither good nor bad.  What makes it enjoyable or uncomfortable depends on how each of you feels and what you want from one another.

Sometimes other people notice the sexual chemistry between you and your friend before you do.  You might be in denial about it and not even notice it until other people comment on what they've observed.  

There can be many signs they pick up on that you might not notice. They might comment that you seem different or have a certain look with your friend as compared to other friends.  They might notice that you light up when your friend walks into the room or that you and your friend sit close together or touch each other more than usual.  

Sexual Attraction That's Mutual Between You and Your Friend

If you're aware that your friend also feels a sexual attraction for you and might be open to getting romantically involved, you're more likely to feel comfortable with the sexual tension between you.  But if you're not sure and you're worried about jeopardizing your friendship, this can become a source of stress for you.

There can also be extenuating circumstances that make getting romantically involved a problem.  For instance, if you or your friend are in a committed relationship with someone else, you would be wise to pause before getting involved and creating emotional pain for everyone involved.  

Likewise, if you're in a situation where transitioning from friends to a romantic relationship could jeopardize your job or professional relationship, you probably won't want to take the risk.  

That being said, work situations often create the environment for spending a lot of time together and getting close. There are also many people who meet in a work situation and who go on to have a successful relationship without jeopardizing their job.  It depends on your work environment (some companies have specific rules about not getting involved with colleagues and you want to avoid the risk of sexual harassment charges). There is also the issue of whether the two of you can conduct yourself in a professional manner while at work.

Deciding Whether or Not to Reveal Your Sexual Attraction to Your Friend

As previously mentioned, on the one hand, you might enjoy your attraction to your friend without ever doing anything about it.  

On the other hand, your sexual attraction might make you feel uncomfortable and create a painful yearning for something more.  This can be especially painful and triggering if you grew up in an environment where your emotional needs weren't met (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

Only you can decide the risks or rewards of whether to broach the topic with your friend.  If neither of you ever brings it up, you could both be depriving yourself of a great romantic relationship that is based on a solid foundation of friendship.  But the risk is that once you reveal your attraction, there can be some awkwardness between the two of you if your friend doesn't feel the same way.

Talking about the sexual attraction can clear the air and help determine if there is a mutual interest and the possibility for getting romantically involved.  

Chances are that your friend has detected the sexual tension too and might not know how to address it.  A lot of confusion and stress can be avoided when there is open and honest communication between you and your friend about what each of you wants--even if it's awkward at first.

What If Your Friend Doesn't Want to Get Romantically Involved?

The potential rewards of revealing a sexual attraction are many if you and your friend both feel the same way.  But what if your friend doesn't feel the same way or feels the attraction but decides s/he doesn't want to get romantically involved?

Many people think this means the end of the friendship, but this isn't necessarily the case.  You and your friend can still spend time together with the understanding that you will remain friends without getting sexually or romantically involved.

If you're the one who would like to become involved and your feelings aren't reciprocated, you'll need to take extra care of yourself:  

• Tune into your own needs and take time each day doing something you enjoy without this friend.  
• Talk to other trusted friends to get their emotional support.
• Spend time writing in a journal to clarify and release your emotions (see my article: Journal Writing to Relieve Stress and Anxiety).
• Try not to spend a lot of time alone with your friend since this would create greater emotional intimacy and a deeper yearning for something more.
• Honor whatever boundaries you and your friend have agreed upon.
• Develop other friendships.
• Date other people.
• Develop other interests that don't involve your friend.

If you continue to have difficulty with being around your friend, you could benefit from seeking professional help.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you find yourself in a situation with a friend where your feelings are unrequited, you're not alone.  This is a common occurrence between friends.

If experiencing unrequited feelings brings up earlier unresolved feelings, this can be especially painful, and you could benefit from seeking help from an experienced therapist who can help you to work through your feelings.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: 5 Reasons to Be Friends First Before Dating Someone

Researchers have recently discovered that being friends first before dating someone is beneficial in the long run for a successful romantic relationship (see my article: Dating: Taking the Time to Get to Know Each Other).

In a study called "Love at First Sight or Friends First?" Barelds and Barelds-Dijkstra looked at 137 couples who were either married or living together and discovered that being friends first offered couples greater emotional stability and relationship success than "love at first sight" (see my article: Confusing Sexual Attraction For Love).

Being Friends First Before Dating Offers More Emotional Stability in a Relationship

They discovered that, although "love at first sight" developed into a romantic relationship more quickly, these relationships exhibited more dissimilarity in terms of personalty characteristics and compatibility.

5 Reasons to Be Friends First Before Dating Someone

• You have gotten to know someone first instead of wondering about this person based only on sexual attraction so you can assess if the two of you are compatible.
• You are more likely to share similar interests than a "love at first sight" relationship.
• You have gotten to know your friend in different circumstances, both positive and negative, over time rather than falling head over heels and projecting what you want onto the other person.
• You and your friend are more likely to have been more emotionally supportive of one another over time so you get to see if this person will be there for you when times are rough.
• You are more likely to form a more emotionally intimate and committed relationship with someone you have been friends with first.

Take the Time to Get to Know Someone First

The researchers concluded that people who take the time to get to know someone first have more similar personality traits than people who immediately jump into a relationship.  

In the long run, taking the time to get to know a potential romantic partner provides an opportunity to form a stronger emotional foundation than relationships based "love at first sight." 

You can form a friendship that turns into relationship based on being drawn to each other and enjoying each other's company. Over time you become familiar with your friend's life and you also get to see this person's quirks.

In addition, when you get to know someone over time you learn whether you can trust them, which is the bedrock of any successful romantic relationship.

Sometimes people raise the objection that they don't think they can transition from being friends to forming a romantic relationship because they don't feel that love at first sight feeling. But relationships that start as friendships often have an element of sexual attraction to them even in the friendship phase (see my article: The 5 Stages of Love).

Conclusion

Romantic relationships that start as friendships are often more successful in the long run than relationships that form based on sexual attraction only.

A friends first relationship offers an opportunity to assess compatibility, trustworthiness and commitment.

About Me

I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

For People With Responsive Sexual Desire, a Willingness to Get Started is Often Enough to Feel Sexual Desire

There are bound to be times in all relationships when a couple is out of synch in terms of sexual desire. 

Sometimes one person wants to have sex and the other person isn't feeling very sexual in the moment.

Responsive Desire and a Willingness to Get Started

A lot of times the person who isn't feeling sexual in the moment knows that once they start to get sexually intimate, they will feel sexual desire and this ends up working out.  

But sometimes the person who starts out feeling desire feels hurt that their partner isn't feeling sexual desire from the start.  

This article will explore why this often happens in relationships.

Clinical Vignettes: 

The following clinical vignettes are composites of many different cases which include no identifying information:

Vignette 1: When a Willingness to Have Sex is Enough

Ed and Sam were together for 10 years.  Ed had a very stressful job where he worked long hours so he often came home tired.  Sam worked part time and took care of their two young children when they got home from school.  

Responsive Desire and a Willingness to Get Started

Generally, they had a good sex life, but Ed usually wasn't in the mood to have sex when Sam wanted to do it.  But Ed was willing to kiss Sam and he would soon get into the mood to have sex. 

Sam didn't personalize it when Ed didn't feel sexual at first.  Sam was confident enough in himself so he didn't see Ed's initial lack of desire as a reflection on his self worth, his looks or his desirability.

Vignette 2:  When a Willingness to Have Sex isn't Enough

Sara and Bob were married for five years, and they had no children. Sara stayed home and Bob worked in a stressful job where he was often worried about his job security.  

When Bob got home from work, he often needed time to himself to relax. But Sara, who had few close friends, waited all day for Bob to come home. As soon as he got in the door, she wanted to cuddle with him--even though he had told her many times that he needed a few minutes to himself.

During the week when Sara wanted to make love, Bob often fell asleep because he was exhausted from work.  When this happened, Sara felt resentful and sad.  She interpreted his tiredness to mean she wasn't attractive or sexy enough for Bob to want her sexually.  

She berated him the next day for not paying enough attention to her.  Even though Bob really felt Sara was attractive and desirable, he couldn't convince Sara of this.

By the weekend, when Bob was more relaxed and rested and he wanted to have sex with Sara, she was still resentful from earlier in the week and she refused to have sex with him.  This became their pattern and, over time, this pattern eroded their relationship.

Secure Attachment vs Insecure Attachment

To understand the difference between Scenario 1 and Scenario 2, it's important to explore attachment styles (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Vignette 1: Sam

When Sam was growing up, his parents were nurturing and loving towards him.  He grew up in a stable and secure home environment where he knew he was loved.  He was closer to his father, who was especially loving.  His father often delighted in whatever Sam did and Sam grew up feeling confident in himself.  He developed a secure attachment style due to his loving and secure home.

In his relationship with Ed, Sam knew he was attractive and desirable because he had grown up feeling loved and wanted.  So, on those occasions when Ed didn't start out feeling as sexual until they began making love, Sam had enough confidence in himself not to personalize it.  He understood it had nothing to do with him.  He also knew he was lovable and that Ed loved him.

Vignette 2: Sara

As a child, Sara grew up in a home where her parents were often fighting.  There were times when her father would disappear for months at a time and no one knew where he was or if he was coming back.  

Even when both parents were at home, they were so engrossed in their arguments that they barely paid attention to Sara.  They often blamed her for their problems--even though she was a young child.  As a result, she developed an anxious/insecure attachment style.

As a married woman, Sara needed constant reassurance from Bob that she was attractive and desirable.  But no matter how many times he told her she was attractive and desirable, she never felt reassured.  

Whenever Bob was too tired to have sex, she assumed it was because he didn't love her anymore.  What neither of them understood was that Sara was emotionally vulnerable to feeling this way because of her anxious/insecure attachment style.

Conclusion

Two people in a relationship won't always feel sexual desire at the same time.  

In most cases, a willingness on the part of the partner who might not start out feeling sexual is enough to feel sexual desire once the couple starts having sex.  However, when the other partner struggles with insecure attachment, they can get emotionally triggered in these situations due to unresolved childhood trauma.  

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have unresolved issues that are affecting your relationship, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma expert (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are holding you back so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples to help them overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire - Part 2

I began a discussion about women with healthy high sexual desire in my prior article.  I'm continuing to explore this topic in the current article (also see my articles: What's the Difference Between Sex and Intimacy?, What is Good Sex?, What is Synchrony Sex? and Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

Understanding Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire

Negative Stereotypes About Women as Sexual Beings

I'm choosing to focus on this topic because women who experience high sexual arousal are often maligned in sexist ways as being "sluts" or "whores" when, in fact, experiencing high sexual arousal is normal.  

Contrary to the stereotypes in pornography, most women with high sexual desire are not promiscuous or sexually compulsive.

At the same time, women who don't experience high sexual desire are also maligned as being "abnormal," "frigid" or "cold."  In many ways, this stereotype is even more surprising because these women represent the majority of women, and they are also normal.  They just need more sexual stimulation and they're more sensitive to the context in which they're in as compared to women with high sexual desire. 

So, in general, women as sexual beings, whether they experience high sexual desire or more context-dependent desire, are often criticized.  

Another reason why I'm focusing on this topic is that most research and articles about women's sexuality tend to focus on women's sexual problems (low libido), so my sex positive articles about women with high sexual desire are an attempt to bring attention to a much neglected topic.

Women With High Sexual Desire As Sexual Pursuers in Their Relationships

According to sex educator, Dr. Emily Nagoski, who is an expert on women's sexuality, women with high sexual desire represent about 15% of all women.  

Their sexual arousal tends to be spontaneous.  

In psychological terms, these women are often referred to as "female sexual pursuers" because they're often the ones, whether in heterosexual or lesbian relationships, who want and pursue more sex in their relationship (see my article: How Sexual Pursuers and Sexual Withdrawers Can Work Out Their Differences to Have a Happier Sex Life - Part 1 and Part 2).

The Temperament of Women With High Sexual Desire

In terms of sexual temperament, these women are sensitive to sexually relevant stimuli, which include sight, sound, smell, taste, touch and sexual fantasies. 

In terms of sexual context, a wide range of contexts can be sexually stimulating for them.  

So, in other words, these women get sexually turned on easily. 

Also, novelty is often sexually exciting for them.

What Are Sexual Excitors?

As the term suggests, sexual excitors are experiences that are sexual turn-ons, which vary for different people.

In her book, Come As You Are, Dr. Nagoski includes a brief questionnaire to help women determine their sexual temperament. 

This questionnaire includes the following sexually exciting incidents which are particularly relevant for women with high sexual desire:

• Smelling the scent someone wears as a sexual turn-on
• Seeing someone doing something that shows their talent or intelligence
• Having sex in a different setting or in a different way than the usual one (novelty)
• Seeing someone who is sexually attractive 
• Fantasizing about sex
• Experiencing certain hormonal changes during their menstrual cycle
• Getting sexually turned on knowing that someone else is turned on

Metaphorically speaking, in terms of sexual arousal, they have sensitive accelerators and not-so-sensitive brakes (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes - Part 1 and Part 2).

Women with high sexual desire often de-stress by having sex--either through self pleasure (masturbation) or through partnered sex.  

Compared to most women, who are more context-dependent in terms of sexual arousal, women who experience high sexual arousal can be at risk for sexual compulsivity due to their sensitive accelerators and lower sensitivity brakes (although, as previously mentioned, most of these women are not promiscuous).

So, in order to avoid becoming sexually compulsive, these women need to pay attention to managing their stress in healthy/noncompulsive ways, including nonsexual ways like exercise and meditation in addition to self pleasure and partnered sex.

Conclusion

Women who experience high sexual desire experience sexual arousal in a spontaneous way. They represent about 15% of all women.  

Their way of experiencing sexual arousal is just as normal as more sexually context-dependent women.

Women with high arousal are more sensitive to sexual stimuli as compared to the vast majority of women.

Women who experience healthy high sexual desire are often confident in their sexuality and their sexual activities whether it involves self pleasure or partnered sex.  

They tend to be the ones in relationships who want more sex and, as such, they are the sexual pursuers in their relationships.

Last, but not least, sexist stereotyping of women is inaccurate and destructive to all women.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set  up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire - Part 1

In prior articles, I discussed sexual pursuers and sexual withdrawers in relationships (see my articles about this topic: Part 1 and Part 2).  In this article, which is another sex positive* article in a series about sexuality, I'm focusing on high desire women who approach sex in a healthy way (also known as female sexual pursuers).  

Understanding Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire

Understanding Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire

When high sexual desire is discussed, the narrow stereotype is often about men who have strong sexual desire and women with lower sexual libido.  

To complicate matters, a lot of the research focuses on women who have problems with low sexual desire (e.g., hypoactive sexual desire) or, on the other end of the spectrum, unhealthy, impulsive/compulsive sexual desire (e.g., impulsive and compulsive sexuality is often associated with the emotional insecurities of borderline personality).

Aside from the problems with research, there are also sexist cultural stereotypes that complicate matters, including portraying women with healthy high sexual desire as being "whores" and "sluts."  

Even women with healthy high libido can be denigrated in this sexist way.  This is in sharp contrast to stereotypes of men with high libido who are admired for being "manly" or "viral."

More recent research challenges these sexist stereotypes and reveals that women can have healthy high sexual libido.  

Their high libido doesn't emerge from emotional insecurity, impulsiveness or compulsivity. Instead, these women are confident in themselves and they enjoy sex.  And, contrary to sexist views of women, there are more women with healthy high sexual desire than is commonly thought.

Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire and a Secure Attachment Style

Women who have a healthy high libido usually have a secure attachment style (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

As children, they developed a secure attachment with one or both parents.  They received love and emotional mirroring from at least one parent that allowed them to feel loved and emotionally secure.

Often, as young girls, they experienced at least one parent who delighted in them.  At the age of four or five, these girls' parents delighted in their healthy behavior.  For instance, if the young girl happily twirled around while she was feeling good about herself, her parents encouraged her rather than telling her to "stop showing off."

These girls grew up seeing the gleam in their parents eyes reflected on them so, not only did they feel secure in their attachment to their parents, they also felt loved and lovable.  So, when these girls mature into women, they feel their desirability.  

Rather than being shamed or made to feel guilty for masturbating, their parents reinforced self pleasure as being healthy.  They grew to be women with a solid erotic core.

As I've mentioned in prior articles, these women often experience spontaneous sexual arousal (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal).  

According to Dr. Emily Nagoski in her book,  Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, women who experience spontaneous sexual desire (as opposed to context-dependent sexual desire) represent at least 16% of all women.

I'll be discussing this topic further in future articles.

Also, see my articles:

Who Says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex?

What is the Difference Between Sex and Intimacy?

What is Good Sex?

*Sex positive refers to having or promoting an open, tolerant or progressive attitude towards sex and sexuality.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have unresolved problems that you have been unable to work through on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional.

Rather than struggling on your own, contact a skilled psychotherapist who can help you to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Spontaneous Sexual Desire and Responsive Sexual Desire Are Both Normal

In recent articles, I've been focusing on sexual accelerators and brakes, as described in Dr. Emily Nagoski's book, Come As You Are.

Spontaneous and Responsive Desire

The concept of sexual accelerators and brakes is a metaphor for sexual arousal (accelerators) and inhibitions (brakes).

In my last article, the focus was on a fictional vignette about a couple where the wife was having some difficulty getting sexually aroused with her husband because of family stressors (problems with brakes).  We got to see that, typical of many woman, sexual desire is often context dependent. However, as I mentioned in previous articles, even though most women's desire is context dependent, 16% of women experience spontaneous desire.  

Sometimes, women who experience spontaneous desire get into relationships with men whose sexual desire is responsive desire or more context dependent so it takes more sexual stimulation to get these men sexually aroused.  

Approximately 5% of men experience context-dependent sexual arousal, according to Dr. Nagoski.  If they're in a relationship with a woman who has spontaneous arousal, this can be challenging for the couple.

Clinical Vignette:

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different couples with all identifying information changed, is about the problems of a woman with spontaneous sexual desire who is in a relationship with a man who experiences context-dependent arousal and how they learn to overcome these difficulties in couples therapy:

Joann and Scott

Joann and Scott were both in their late 30s and dating each other for a year.

During their initial appointment with their couples therapist, who was also a sex therapist, Joann began the discussion by telling the therapist that she had always been highly sexual since her late teens.  She said all she had to do was see a man who was good looking and she felt sexually desire immediately.  

In response to the therapist's sexual assessment, Joann said she had many sexual encounters with men before she started dating Scott. She was much more sexually experienced than Scott, and she needed little to no sexual foreplay to have sex when they were together.

The problem, as Joann saw it, was that Scott often didn't seem that interested in sex unless she initiated first and then only after she performed oral sex on him.  At first, she didn't mind, but a few months into their relationship, she began to feel disappointed because Scott never initiated.  She said she really loved Scott and she was willing to make changes so their relationship would work out.

When it was his turn, Scott said he had never been especially sexual.  He had his first sexual experience when he was a junior in college and it was awkward for him.  As far as sex was concerned, he explained, he could take it or leave it most of the time.  But, he said, he loved Joann very much and he wanted to remain in a relationship with her, so he was motivated to try to change.

He liked when Joann initiated, and he always felt aroused with oral sex.  However, he admitted he never thought about initiating sex--not until Joann told him about her disappointment.  

Now that he knew she was disappointed, he wanted to work on this issue, but he really didn't know where to begin.  His doctor ruled out low testosterone, so he didn't know why he didn't feel sexual desire until they got sexual with each other.  The whole problem made him feel ashamed--like he was "less of a man."

After the couples therapist listened to each of them, she assured Joann and Scott that there didn't seem to be anything "wrong" with either of them--they were just different.  

Then, she explained the concept of sexual desire in terms of sexual accelerators (sexual turn ons) and sexual brakes (sexual turn offs), and she recommended that they read Dr. Nagoski's book, Come as You Are, together so they could understand their differences.

As she worked with Joann and Scott, the couples therapist explained the concept of . Then, she asked Scott if he was willing to initiate sex sometimes even if, at first, he didn't feel sexually desire at first.  Scott responded that he would be willing to do it because he knew that, once they got started, he would feel sexual.

During their couples therapy sessions, Scott also learned something about himself that he didn't realize before--his lack of sexual experience (as compared to Joann) often made him feel anxious when she approached him sexually.  When Joann heard this, she felt much more empathetic towards Scott, and she reached over to touch his hand to reassure him.  

Using the metaphor of sexual accelerators and brakes, the couples therapist advised Joann to slow things down (to use more brake than accelerator), savor their foreplay, and give Scott a chance to feel sexual desire.  She recommended that they make a date night for having sex and find ways to anticipate and look forward to their time together.  

Following the couples therapist's advice, Joanne and Scott chose Saturday night as their date night for having sex.  Throughout the day, Scott deliberately imagined what it would be like to be with Joanne as a way to get sexually aroused.

This was something he never tried before, and he discovered that his sexual excitement began to build as the time got closer to their date.  Then, when they were together, they spent time relaxing together and being sexually playful.  

At first, Scott felt awkward and anxious but, over time, he felt less pressured.  Joann learned to slow down and savor their sexual foreplay.  Slowing down and savoring the moment made her feel even more aroused than usual.  She liked that by the time they were both ready to have intercourse, Scott was really into it, which increased her desire. 

Within the next few months, Scott was initiating and enjoying sex more, which pleased Joann.  There was a mutuality to their sex life that they both found much more satisfying.

Conclusion

Everyone is different in terms of sexual desire, and there is no right or wrong way about this.

The clinical vignette in this article is between a man and a woman, but these differences are also found between two women and two men in LGBTQ relationships.

Couples can learn to negotiate their differences so they can both be sexually satisfied.  

This is often complicated for a couple to do on their own because emotions, including insecurities and doubts can get in the way.  They often need the help of a licensed mental health practitioner who is a sex therapist to overcome their problems.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you and your partner are experiencing sexual problems, you could benefit from getting help from a skilled sex therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, you and your partner can learn ways to improve your sex life and your relationship.

Also see my articles:

Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes - Part 1 and Part 2.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples) Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Sexual Brakes - Part 2

In my prior article, Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Sexual Brakes - Part 1, I began a discussion based on Dr. Emily Nagoski's book,  Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.  Dr. Nagoski is an expert on sexual well-being and healthy relationships.  In this article, I'm continuing this discussion with a clinical vignette to illustrate the points I made in Part 1 of this topic.

Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Sexual Brakes

To summarize Part 1: Everyone has certain sexual turn ons and turn offs that are particular to them. The turn ons function as sexual accelerators for sexual desire and the turn offs function as brakes.  Knowing what your sexual accelerators and brakes are and communicating them to your partner helps to improve your sex life.

For many people, this is easier said than done because they think something is "wrong" with them if they don't conform to certain societal myths in the media or what they've seen in porn.  

For instance, in porn videos women are shown as being instantly turned on with little to no foreplay when this isn't true for the vast majority of women.  They're also shown in these videos to experience orgasm through sexual intercourse alone when most women get more sexually excited with clitoral stimulation.  In addition, sexual taboos learned in childhood can interfere with sexual pleasure for individuals and couples.  

These examples are just a few of the many issues that can make women feel like they're not "normal" when, in fact, they are normal.

The vast majority of women need sexual stimulation to get turned on.  Their sexual desire is also context dependent.  In Dr. Nagoski's book she gives the example of being tickled.  

So, for instance, if a husband tickles his wife while she is hurrying to get their child ready for school, she's probably going to feel annoyed.  Whereas if he tickles her when they're being playful together in bed, she's more likely to experience this as a turn on.  In both cases, the husband is tickling the wife, but the context in each case is very different.

About 16% of women and almost all men experience spontaneous sexual desire, according to Dr. Nagoski.  In terms of understanding sexual accelerators and sexual brakes, they have sensitive accelerators and not-so-sensitive brakes.  Their sexual arousal isn't as dependent upon context as the women who are context dependent.  However, even these women can experience problems with sexual arousal if they're worried about their children or they're highly stressed in some other areas of their life (e.g, financial problems, health problems and so on).

Clinical Vignette: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Sexual Brakes

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different couples. All identifying information has been removed:

Dana and Bill

After being married for five years and raising two children, Dana didn't feel as sexually passionate at times as she did when she and Bill first got married.

Sometimes Dana felt like she was just going through the motions when she and Bill had sex while she kept one ear alert for the sound of their five year old son and two year old daughter in the next room.

At 45, Dana experienced vaginal dryness at times and during sexual intercourse, and Bill saw this as a sign that she wasn't turned on--even when she really was sexually turned on.  He thought she was just having sex to appease him, which was a turn off for him, and Dana couldn't would convince him otherwise.

They decided to leave the children with Dana's mother so they could go for a romantic getaway.  But when they were alone in their hotel room, Dana felt such pressure and anxiety to be sexually turned on that she just couldn't get sexually aroused.

Soon after that, they stopped having sex altogether.  Although Dana was concerned about this, she was also relieved not to feel pressured so she didn't bring it up with Bill.  And Bill thought Dana would feel uncomfortable if he brought it up, so he remained silent, even though he felt sexually frustrated.

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months.  Finally, after almost a year of no sex, Bill broached the subject with Dana, "We haven't had sex in almost a year. Don't you think we should talk about this?"

As soon as she heard Bill's words, Dana felt defensive.  She thought he was blaming her for the lack of sex in their relationship.  So when they sat down to talk, she was surprised that he wasn't blaming her--he just wanted to improve their sex life.

Dana told him that, even though she was still sexually attracted to him, she noticed she wasn't as sexually responsive since they had their children.  She also admitted that she didn't feel comfortable talking about sex because in her childhood home sex was a taboo topic, so it always made her feel uncomfortable to discuss it (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

Soon after that, Dana went to see her gynecologist who ruled out any medical problems.  He recommended that she use lubricant when she and Bill had sex.  He called in Bill, who was waiting in the reception area, and explained to both Dana and Bill that women can be sexually aroused even if they don't experience vaginal wetness.  Bill was surprised, but he respected the doctor's words.  In addition, the gynecologist recommended that they see a couples therapist to see if they could revive their sex life.  

During their couples therapy sessions, the therapist explained to them that it wasn't unusual for there to be a decrease in sexual activity after a couple had children and experienced other stressors related to being married.  She also explained the concept of sexual accelerators and sexual brakes to them and assured them that they were both "normal" (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

To remove the sexual performance pressure, the couples therapist recommended they practice sensate focus, developed by Masters and Johnson, where they touched each other sensually, but where they didn't have sexual intercourse during those times.  She said that sensate focus is a way to explore what turned each of them on sexually without the pressure of performing and the pressure to have an orgasm.

Dana and Bill felt awkward at first, but they soon began to enjoy sensate focus.  Dana felt more comfortable touching and being touched without worrying about sex, and they both enjoyed exploring what turned each of them on.

During this time, the couples therapist also recommended that Dana spend time on her own exploring her own sexual arousal.  She recommended that Dana try using sex toys, including a vibrator, to masturbate and learn what was sexually pleasurable for her.  She told Dana that she didn't need to worry about having an orgasm--she could just discover what was sexually pleasurable for her.  

At first, Dana felt uncomfortable.  Her thoughts went back to the time her mother found her in the bath tub, when Dana was 10 years old, running water over her clitoris and enjoying the sensation.  Her mother was shocked.  She scolded Dana and told her that what she was doing was "a sin."  After that, Dana never attempted to masturbate again.  She believed her mother when she said Dana would "go to hell" if she did it again.

Dana needed several individual sessions with the couples therapist to feel comfortable enough to masturbate on her own.  After these sessions, she was able to approach self pleasure with an open mind to discover what turned her on (her sexual accelerators) and what inhibited her sexual desire (her sexual brakes).

When Dana and Bill returned for their next session together, Dana said she was able to put her childhood memory aside, and she was surprised at how turned on she felt using the vibrator.  She said that even though she wasn't trying to have an orgasm, she had one of the most powerful orgasms she had ever had in her life.  Then, she turned to Bill and told him she hoped they could use the vibrator as part of their foreplay in the future, and Bill was thrilled to agree.  

When they were at the point where they were ready to have intercourse again, their couples therapist recommended that Dana use lubricant each time so sexual intercourse wasn't uncomfortable if she was dry.  

She told the couple to take as much as they needed for each of them to get sexually aroused and that pleasure was the goal--not orgasm.  She also told them to keep sex light and playful and that when Bill was pleasuring Dana that he focus on clitoral stimulation first (see my article: Sex Tips For Men: How Men Can Be Better Sexual Partners With Women).

Dana's mother took care of the children the next weekend while Dana and Bill enjoyed alone time.  To keep things playful and fun, they took a relaxing bubble bath together.  Then, they took turns giving each other a massage.  

Focusing on sensuality naturally led to sexual intimacy without pressure.  Even though they weren't focusing on it, they both experienced orgasms.  Afterwards, they cuddled in each other's arms and fell asleep peacefully.  

They were able to talk the next day about what each of them found pleasurable and what they wanted more of and less of when they made love again.  They also became more sexually adventurous and open to new experiences.

Conclusion

Many people are misinformed about sex because they have been raised with sexual taboos or they have learned about sex by watching porn, which has a lot of misinformation and distortions of all kinds.

Other people are worried that they're "not normal" either because they believe they should feel and act a certain way sexually rather than freeing themselves up to experience sex in a way that is most comfortable for each of them.

If a couple is open and willing to explore, they can learn what each of them enjoys sexually, their turn ons (sexual accelerators) and turn offs (sexual brakes) and develop a sex life that is pleasurable for both of them.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling with your sex life, you're not alone.  Help is available to you.

Seek help with a licensed mental health professional who works with couples so that you and your partner can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples) and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.