Relationships: Is Your Partner's Behavior Kindness or Controlling Behavior?

I've written about relationship issues in prior articles (see my articles: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship and Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable).  In this article, I'm focusing on the difference between kindness vs. controlling behavior (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Behavior That No Longer Works For You: Controlling Behavior).

Relationships: Kindness or Controlling Behavior?

Over the years, I've met many individual adults and couples where the issue of kindness vs. controlling behavior has come up.  Usually, one or both partners in a relationship weren't sure if what they were experiencing from their partner was kindness, controlling behavior or some combination of the two.

Fictionalized Vignette:  Relationships - Kindness or Controlling Behavior
The following fictionalized vignette is an example of this problem and how psychotherapy can help:

Sara and John
Sara and John, who were together for a year, came to couples therapy because they were having disagreements about what Sara saw as John's controlling behavior and what John saw as his being kind to Sara.

Six months into their relationship, Sara took a job where she had to travel internationally a few times a month.

When Sara began traveling, John asked her to provide him with all the information regarding her flights, arrival time, and hotel.  He also asked her to call call or text him when her plane landed.

At first, Sara wasn't completely comfortable with John's request, but she didn't want John to worry, so she provided him with the information beforehand and would usually call him or send a text message to him when her plane landed.

But there were a few times when she was with colleagues and they were in a hurry to get to a meeting with a customer, so she didn't have time to text John immediately.

She felt she always tried to be considerate of him, so she didn't delay more than 10-15 minutes.  But, when she couldn't reach him immediately, by the time she turned on her phone, she already had a few panicky text messages from John wondering if she was okay.

During those times, John would also call her at the same time that she was texting him, and she didn't have privacy to talk because she was with her colleagues.

After this happened a few times, Sara tried to explain to John that she would always try to text or call as soon as she could, but when he panicked and she had to try to calm him down, he was adding to the stress she was already experiencing on the trip.

John told Sara that he felt hurt that she was experiencing him as adding to her stress when, from his perspective, he was being kind and caring.  He said he didn't want to be controlling.  He cared about her and he just wanted to make sure that she was safe.

Since they were getting nowhere on their own with these arguments, they decided to go to couples therapy.

During their couples therapy sessions, Sara told John and their therapist that she appreciated that John cared about her, but she couldn't understand why he needed to be contacted immediately.  She explained that she was often with senior managers on these business trips, and she didn't always have privacy to try to calm John down when he panicked.

She also expressed feeling confused and annoyed that John felt the need to be contacted immediately when nothing bad had ever happened on her business trips.  She couldn't understand his behavior, and she felt it was a boundary issue between them.

As John listened to Sara during their couples therapy sessions, over time he was able to acknowledge that he worried excessively when Sara traveled, and he wasn't sure why.

Sara told their therapist that, other than these business trips, John didn't try to keep tabs on her at any other time.  He never questioned when she went out with friends or went to business meetings locally.

John said that he tried to stay calm, but 10 minutes or so before he knew Sara's plane was about to land, he would become highly anxious.

By arrival time, he was on the verge of a panic attack imaging all the things that could have gone wrong.  So, he felt he needed to hear from Sara immediately when the plane landed to help him to calm down.

Relationships: Kindness or Controlling Behavior?

When he looked back on those times when he was calm, he acknowledged that, even though he still felt that he was being kind, his behavior was excessive, but he didn't know how to calm himself once he began to panic (see my article: Tips For Coping With Panic Attacks).

During one of their couples therapy sessions, John revealed to Sara for the first time that he had a history of panic disorder, and even as a child, he worried excessively whenever his father traveled on business.  He feared that something catastrophic would occur and he would never see his father again.

Since his father was self employed, he was usually on his own, and it wasn't a problem for to call John from his hotel to let him know he landed safely.  All the while, until John got his father's call, he imagined the worst.  But once he received the call, he calmed down.

John said that his parents never took him to see a psychotherapist when he was a child because they thought he was "outgrow" his anxiety.  But he never did and it was a problem in his prior relationships before he met Sara.

John said he felt deeply ashamed of his panic attacks and, as an adult, his shame got in the way of his getting help in therapy.  Even when he was talking about this with Sara and their therapist, his face was red and he didn't make eye contact (see my article: Healing Shame in Psychotherapy).

Since John eventually acknowledged that he had a problem, the couples therapist recommended that John see an individual psychotherapist to work on his anxiety and panic attacks while he and Sara worked in couples therapy to try to resolve these issues in their relationship.

The couples therapist also taught John a few techniques to calm himself when he felt a panic attack coming on (see my articles: Developing Coping Strategies and Internal Resources).

But she said that there were probably deeper issues involved that he would need to work on with an individual psychotherapist.

After John had a few individual sessions to give his family history, his individual psychotherapist recommended that they use a clinical hypnosis technique called the "Affect Bridge" to try to get to the root of his problem.

When they used the Affect Bridge, John remembered overhearing his grandfather talk about a plane accident where the grandfather lost his best friend.

When the grandfather was telling the story to John's parents, none of them knew that John was nearby listening to the conversation, so they talked about the accident in a detailed way that they would not have if they knew that four-year old John was listening to them.

Afterwards, John and his individual psychotherapist talked about what came up during the Affect Bridge.  He said he had completely forgotten about that memory and he was amazed that it was at the root of his panic attacks when Sara traveled.

His individual therapist explained that John was getting emotionally triggered whenever Sara traveled abroad and his fears stemmed from that earlier memory.

She explained that, even though John didn't witness the plane accident that his grandfather talked about, the story was told in such vivid detail that it was almost as if John had witnessed it and he became traumatized by it (see my article: Overcoming Trauma: When the Past is in the Present).

His individual psychotherapist recommended that they use EMDR Therapy to help John to overcome the trauma that was getting triggered whenever Sara traveled.

Gradually, as John processed the memory of hearing his grandfather's tragic story, he began to be able to separate out that memory from the times when Sara traveled (see my article: Working Through Emotional Trauma: Separating "Then" From "Now").

In the meantime, Sara felt much more compassionate towards John after she realized he was getting triggered.  She told John in their couples therapy that she now understood why he would become so upset.

Until John could work through the original trauma that was getting triggered, Sara continued to call or text John so he wouldn't worry.  But when she couldn't contact him immediately, John used the techniques he learned in his therapy to stay calm.

Relationships: Kindness or Controlling Behavior?

Over time, when John worked through the original trauma with EMDR therapy, he no longer kept tabs on when Sara's plane landed and he no longer panicked.

After a while, when he was no longer symptomatic, John told Sara that it was no longer necessary for her to contact him--he could wait to hear from her whenever it was convenient for her.

Conclusion
Sometimes, it's difficult to distinguish between kindness and controlling behavior.

There are times when what is meant to be kind also has elements of controlling behavior.  Sometimes, there are more than just elements--it's mostly controlling behavior and the person who is engaging in it has little to no insight into it.

The vignette above is one example of this kindness vs. controlling behavior.

There are many other examples:

• The parents who tend to show up at their adult child and spouse's home without calling ahead to see if it's convenient for them because they want to see them--even though this feels intrusive to their adult child or the spouse.  If couple tries to set a boundary with the parents, the parents feel offended because, from their perspective, they're just trying to be "nice." Then, the adult child and the spouse feel guilty for hurting the parents (see my article: Setting Boundaries With Family Members Who Want to Interfere in Your Relationship and Learn to Stop Interfering in Your Adult Child's Relationship).

• The friend, who tends to want to help by giving unsolicited advice, and then gets angry when the friend with the problem tries to set a boundary with her (see my article: Friendships: Losing a Friend After Giving Advice).

• The overprotective boss who gets involved in her employees' personal problems and tries to resolve these problems.  When an employee, who feels the boss is being intrusive, tells the boss tactfully that she doesn't want to talk to her about it, the boss becomes offended.  From her perspective, she only wants to help.

And so on.

Getting Help in Therapy
Although you have a right to set boundaries with the other people, setting boundaries can be difficult, and these situations aren't always easy to work through on your own, especially if the person who thinks s/he is being kind takes offense to boundary setting.

If you find yourself in this type of situation and you've been unable to resolve it on your own, a skilled psychotherapist can help you to discern what's going on and how to deal with it (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, you could get help from a licensed mental health professional, who has experience assisting clients to overcome these problems.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Movies: Infidelity, Triangulation and Betrayal in "Lover For a Day"

The last film of the Philippe Garrel's French trilogy, Lover For a Day, deals with many of the same themes of his prior films, including emotional intimacy, infidelity, triangulation, jealousy and betrayal (see my articles about these topics, including: The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable, Relationships: Coping With Infidelity, Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship and Getting Involved in a Love Triangle).

Movies: Infidelity, Triangulation and Betrayal in "Lover For a Day"

After a breakup, Jeanne, portrayed by the filmmaker's daughter, Ester Garrel, who also appears in Call Me By Your Name, leaves the apartment that she shared with her boyfriend.  Distraught, she heads to her father's nearby apartment because she needs a place to stay.

When she arrives at her father's apartment, Jeanne assumes that her father, Gilles, is alone. She tells Gilles, portrayed by Eric Caravaca, about the breakup.

Then, she is surprised to see a woman's makeup case on her father's kitchen table.  A little thrown by this discovery, she asks her father if she has come at an inconvenient time.  Gilles, a loving father who is a philosophy professor, responds by with reassurance that she is not disturbing him, he makes up the couch for her and tells her to try to get some sleep.

The next morning after Gilles leaves for work, Jeanne meets Gilles' girlfriend, Adriane, portrayed by Louise Chevillote, who is a student at Gilles' college.

Both Jeanne and Adriane are the same age, 23, and Adriane asks Jeanne if she minds that her father is with a woman who is the same age as she is.  Although Jeanne says she doesn't mind, this questionable based on her actions later on in the film.

Adriane tells Jeanne how she seduced Gilles, even though he resisted at first.  She also reveals that she has been living with Gilles for a few months, and they are keeping their relationship a secret at the college where Gilles is a professor.

Thus begins a triangle between Jean, Gilles and Adriane that raises questions about gender issues, infidelity, family loyalty, betrayal, secrets, and infidelity.

Both Jeanne and Adriane keep each other's secrets from Gilles in what appears to be a friendly alliance between the two women.  But appearances are deceiving.

Are the betrayals in the film conscious or unconscious on the characters' parts?

It's difficult to say, and the characters in the film might not know themselves.  Such is the power of the unconscious mind that motivates behavior that might only be clear after the fact, and maybe not even then.

I won't give away the rest of the plot because I think this movie is worth seeing.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.  

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Avoid Last Minute "Doorknob Comments" at the End of Your Psychotherapy Session

In prior articles, I discussed common issues in psychotherapy, including: How to Make Your Psychotherapy Sessions a Part of Your Life Between Sessions,  Psychotherapy as a Co-Created Process Between You and Your Psychotherapist and How Psychotherapy Helps You to Expand Your Inner Emotional Awareness.  In this article, I'm discussing another common issue, "doorknob comments" at the end of the therapy session, the problems with these comments, and how to avoid them in order to get the most out of your therapy (see my article: Getting the Most Out of Your Psychotherapy Sessions).

How to Avoid Last Minute "Doorknob Comments"

What Are Doorknob Comments?
Doorknob comments got their name from clients who literally have their hand on the doorknob as they're leaving their psychotherapist's office when they make a last minute comment, which is sometimes a "bombshell" comment ("I've decided to end therapy, so today is my last session" or "I was fired from my job and lost my insurance, so I can't continue in therapy").

Sometimes these comments are things that clients say at the end of their session in a vague way when there's no time to talk about it.

Why Do Clients Make Doorknob Comments?
Client who make doorknob comments are often too anxious or ambivalent to talk about these issues when there's time to discuss it, like at the beginning of their session, so they bring it up at the last minute as a parting comment.

Some clients, who make doorknob comments, are either consciously or unconsciously testing the boundary of treatment frame to see if their psychotherapist will give them more time beyond the therapy hour.

How Do Psychotherapists Handle Doorknob Comments?
There's no one standard way for psychotherapists to handle a comment that the client makes as s/he is walking out the door.  That being said, most experienced psychotherapists will recommend that they discuss the issue at the next session, including an issue about ending therapy.

There are a few very good reasons why it's best to maintain the treatment frame by not extending the therapy session:

• On a practical level, many psychotherapists see clients in back-to-back sessions, so if they extend the therapy hour for one client, they would keep all subsequent clients waiting for their sessions.  This isn't to say that there aren't rare instances when a therapist might exceed the time limit but, for the most part, it's not fair to the other clients.

• On a clinical level, it's not helpful to the client making the doorknob comment to extend the therapy hour because s/he doesn't get an opportunity to talk about a topic that requires more time.  Also, the client doesn't learn to communicate in an effective way with his/her therapist.

• Equally important, the psychotherapist and client need time to explore the underlying issues which led to the client waiting until the last minute to bring up something important:

• Was s/he anxious or afraid to bring up the topic?
• Is there a problem in the client-therapist relationship? Is this problem a pattern in other relationships?
• Is there a connection to the client's family of origin issues?

How to Avoid Last Minute Doorknob Comments

• Think About the Issue Before the Therapy Session:  If you know you have a topic to bring up in therapy that you feel uncomfortable talking about, think about the issue beforehand.

• Prepare to Talk About Issue in the Therapy Session: If it's an especially difficult subject for you, you would probably find it helpful to make notes before the session and bring your notes to the session.  You might not need the notes, but they're handy to have in case you get too anxious and forget what you want to say.

• Bring Up the Topic at the Beginning of the Therapy Session:  You're spending your time and money to attend psychotherapy, and you deserve time to discuss an issue that's important to you rather than shortchanging yourself by bringing it up at the end of the session when there's no time to talk.  If it's a big issue ("I just found out that my mother has cancer"), you might be discussing this issue for many sessions.  If it's a matter of you're wanting to end therapy, there is such a thing as the "termination process" where, depending upon how long the client has been in therapy with his or her therapist, the client and therapist spend at least one or more sessions talking about ending therapy, summarizing the work, talking about whether the client met the goals that s/he might have set at the beginning of treatment, discussing the therapeutic relationship, and so on.

Conclusion
Last minute doorknob comments are common in therapy, especially with clients who are anxious or ambivalent about the topic.

Often, it's a matter of the client not knowing how to bring up the topic and waiting until the end of the session to blurt it out.  This is especially true for clients who are new to therapy.

Some clients, knowingly or unknowingly, try to test the boundaries of the treatment frame with regard to the end time for the session by making last minute vague comments or dropping "bombshell" comments.  In most cases, when this occurs, experienced psychotherapists will usually recommend that they talk about the issue at the next session.

When you wait until the end of the session to bring up an important issue, you're shortchanging yourself by not allowing enough time to discuss the issue at length.

Often, aside from anxiety and ambivalence, there can be earlier underlying issues for the client that are related to making last minute comments.

These underlying issues need to be explored by the client and therapist to understand the origin of the problem and how best to resolve it.

Getting Help in Therapy
Asking for help can be difficult (see my articles: Tips For Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help).

Psychotherapy provides an opportunity to free yourself from problems that are preventing you from maximizing your potential.

If you've tried on your own to resolve your problems and you've been unable to do it, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to work through your problems (see my articles: (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

When you have worked through the problems that keep you stuck, you can lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Make Your Psychotherapy Sessions a Part of Your Life Between Sessions

In an earlier article, Getting the Most Out of Your Psychotherapy Sessions, I addressed certain issues related to starting therapy, including: different types of therapy, how to choose a psychotherapist, ethical issues in therapy, and so on.  In this article, I'm expanding upon a topic that I began discussing in that article and a subsequent article, which is how to make your psychotherapy sessions a part of your life between sessions.

How to Make Your Psychotherapy Sessions a Part of Your Life Between Sessions

What Comes Up in a Psychotherapy Session Doesn't End When You Walk Out of Your Therapist's Office
Psychotherapy is a process.  It's not like taking a pill to make your headache go away.  Things unfold over time.

Many psychotherapy clients, especially clients who are new to therapy, leave their psychotherapist's office at the end of the session and immediately divert their attention to something else.   As a result, they become distracted and forget what they discussed in their session.

When clients forget what was discussed in their therapy sessions, the therapy sessions are relegated to a specific time and place rather than being a part of the rest of their life.  They leave behind whatever "pearls" they gained in therapy, and they will probably need to go over the same material again and again to remember those "pearls."

While I understand that people are busy these days, I recommend that clients take time after each session to reflect on what came up in session and any thoughts, feelings, memories, dreams or daydreams that might come up as a result of the session.

One way to keep your therapy sessions alive and to integrate it into the rest of your life is to write in a journal soon after the session is over.

This doesn't have to be a time-consuming process and the journal entries don't need to be long.

How to Make Your Psychotherapy Sessions a Part of Your Life Between Sessions

Writing After Your Therapy Sessions:

• Enables You to Reflect on Your Session:  A therapy hour is a relatively short period of time as compared with the rest of your life, especially if you're attending therapy once a week.  It's easy to lose awareness of whatever you gained in that session if you don't take the time to reflect on it and write it down.  There might also be things that come up for you between sessions--a memory, a dream, a question about what your therapist said, something you didn't understand or something that bothered in you in the session (see my article: How to Talk to Your Psychotherapist About Something That's Bothering You in Therapy).  If you don't write these things down, you're likely to forget them.

• Creates an Increased Awareness of How You're Changing (or Not Changing):  When you spend time reflecting on and writing about your therapy sessions, you can develop an increased awareness of how you're changing (or not changing) in therapy over time.  This doesn't mean that you can expect big transformations in only a few sessions but, over time, you would benefit from assessing your progress in therapy.

• Enables You to See Where You Might Be Creating Obstacles For Yourself: It's common that when people come to therapy because they want to make changes in their life, they experience a certain amount of ambivalence about making those changes.  Change can be challenging, even if people really want it--especially if people really want it because there's more at stake.  Due to their fear of change, many clients often unconsciously create obstacles for themselves in therapy and in other areas of their life.  By capturing thoughts and feelings in a journal, clients can see over time if they're repeating certain self defeating patterns that are getting in the way of their psychological growth (see my article: Making Changes: Are You Creating Obstacles For Yourself in Therapy Without Even Realizing It?).

• Allows You to Take Your Share of the Responsibility For Your Therapy:  As I mentioned in an earlier article, psychotherapy is a co-created process between the client and the therapist.  There are certain parts of therapy that your therapist is responsible for including providing an emotionally safe environment for you to open up in therapy (see my article: How Psychotherapists Create a "Holding Environment" in Therapy).  But there are also aspects of your therapy are your responsibility. As mentioned above, if you're creating obstacles for yourself by not doing your part in therapy, like doing homework between sessions (if your therapist gives homework), then you're not taking responsibility for your part in therapy.  If you're keeping a journal, you can see how often this occurs, own it, discuss with your therapist, and change it.

• Increases Your Awareness of How Your Unconscious Mind Continues the Process :  Even when you don't consciously reflect on your psychotherapy sessions, the work continues to be done between sessions in your unconscious mind.  You might dream or daydream about something you spoke about in therapy or a thought suddenly pops into your mind, not so coincidentally, that is related to a discussion you had with your therapist.  Your dreams, daydreams, thoughts and feelings are important.  They reveal how your unconscious mind is continuing to process the material.  If you don't journal about it, you will have a harder time making these psychological connections.  

• Increases Your Awareness of the Different Parts of Yourself: In an earlier article, I discussed self states as parts of yourself that are constantly shifting. When you spend time writing in your journal between therapy sessions, you can see how the various parts of yourself affect you, which parts come to the surface in different situations and how these parts interact to help or hinder you (see my article: How Your Shifting Self States Affect You For Better or Worse).

• Helps You to Develop Increased Awareness About How Life Around You is Always Changing: There's an old saying by the ancient Greek philosopher, Heraclitus, which is "You could not step twice in the same river."  The significance of that quote is that, just as the river is ever flowing and never the same, life is ever changing.  If you take the time to write about it, you will gain a new perspective and appreciation for how life is constantly changing.

Heraclitus: You Cannot Step Twice in the Same River

• Provides You With a Personal Record About Yourself Over Time:  It's easy to forget how you were when you began therapy.  Your therapist can help you to gain insight into how you were at the start of therapy as compared to how you are now.  In addition, if you keep a journal about your experiences in therapy, you will have a personal record about yourself over time.

Conclusion:
As I mentioned earlier, the therapeutic process doesn't end when you walk out of your psychotherapist's office.

You're spending valuable time and money for your therapy sessions, so if you want to get the most from your therapy, take the time to reflect on your sessions and write down whatever comes up for you.

By taking the time to keep a journal about your sessions and whatever comes up between sessions, your therapy will become integrated in your life and you will get much more out of your sessions.

Not only will keeping a journal between sessions allow you to be more self reflective and aware of your own psychological process, it will also help you to develop new insights into yourself and the direction you want your therapy and your life to take going forward.

Getting Help in Therapy
Attending psychotherapy is a unique experience (see my article: Psychotherapy: A Unique Intersubjective Experience).

It takes courage to seek help in therapy and to change (see my article: Developing the Courage to Change).

Whether you want to gain psychological insight into yourself, make changes in your life or work through a traumatic experience, working with a skilled psychotherapist can be a life-changing experience (see my articles: (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

The first step, which is making a phone call to set up a therapy consultation, is usually the hardest step, but it can also be the first step to transforming your life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Developing a Compassionate Understanding of Your Unhealthy Coping Strategies

In prior articles, I've discussed various unhealthy coping strategies (see my articles about changing maladaptive coping strategies that no longer work, including avoidance, passive behavior and controlling behavior).  In this article, I'm focusing on the importance of developing a self compassionate understanding of your maladaptive coping strategies and how psychotherapy can help (see my article: Psychotherapy and Compassionate Self Acceptance).

Developing a Compassionate Understanding of Your Maladaptive Coping Strategies

Why Is It Important to Develop a Compassionate Understanding of Your Maladaptive Coping Strategies?
Maladaptive coping strategies often develop when a child or an adult is in emotional pain, their coping skills are inadequate or poor, and they don't know any other way to relieve their emotional pain.

When people develop unhealthy coping strategies to relieve pain, the main intent is to relieve the emotional pain so it won't hurt so much, even if the strategies are unhealthy.  The main intent is not to develop unhealthy coping skills per se.

The problem with these strategies is that, although they might work temporarily, they don't resolve the problem and they usually add to the existing problems and make things worse.

For instance, if a child is raised in a very punitive environment where his parents constantly punish him for even minor behavior problems and withdraw from him emotionally, he will grow up feeling ashamed.  He will internalize a feeling of being a "bad person" or an "unlovable person," even when that's not the intent of his parents (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

The emotional pain of feeling like a bad person or feeling unlovable is difficult to bear, so he will try to find ways to relieve that emotional pain that might work in the short term, but usually cause other problems in the long term.

For instance, he might numb himself emotionally or use alcohol to blunt the emotional pain.  Because the alcohol "works" temporarily to numb him to his pain, this becomes a powerful reinforcement to keep doing it, even if he knows that it can cause him physical and emotional harm and possibly ruin his interpersonal relationships and career in the long run.

Even though he knows there could be serious consequences if he continues to drink excessively, he might bargain with himself, "I'll stop after New Year's Eve" or "I'll just have one more drink and then I'll stop."  This gives him temporary relief from the fear of long-term consequences to his drinking.

But, as previous mentioned, a maladaptive coping strategy compounds the original problem. For instance, a spouse might threaten to leave the relationship or a boss might give a warning that the behavior is interfering with work.  Then, the person who is using the temporary fix knows he needs to do something else because life is becoming unmanageable.

At that point, the problem is often that shame gets in the way of getting help.  The person is now ashamed of being someone who is a bad person or an unlovable person and, in addition, he is ashamed of what he has been doing to relieve his emotional pain (see my articles: Are You Afraid to Start Therapy Because You Feel Ashamed? and Overcoming Shame).

This is where learning to be self compassionate can help to mitigate the shame so that the individual can seek help rather than continuing to avoid help due to the shame.

It's important to understand that being self compassionate doesn't mean being irresponsible or unaccountable to yourself or to others.  Self compassion isn't an excuse to continue harming yourself or others.  It's a first step in being able to resolve your problems.

A Fictional Vignette: Developing a Self Compassionate Understanding of Maladaptive Coping Strategies
The following fictional vignette illustrates how being self compassionate can allow an individual to overcome shame so he can get help.  Although I'm using alcohol as an example of the maladaptive coping strategy, the strategy could be emotional numbing, overspending, overeating, compulsive gambling, sexual addiction, and so on.

Ron
Ron was the youngest child by far of three children.  By the time he was old enough to go to school, his older siblings were already out of the house so, in effect, he was raised as an only child by two parents who were emotionally neglectful and punitive (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?)

By the time he was five, he already knew that he was an unplanned child, an "accident," as he overheard his mother say to a friend one day when she was complaining about how tired and harried she felt from raising a small child at her age.

Ron never told anyone what he heard, but he would often sit by himself in his room feeling sad about being a "burden" to his parents (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

He tried in every way that he knew how to be a well behaved child, to do well in school, and not to cause problems for his parents.  But both parents had little tolerance anymore for a young child, and minor things would irritate them so that they would punish Ron.

They preferred for Ron to play in his room quietly so he did not disturb them.  But sometimes, when he was playing with his toys, he would get so enthusiastic that he would raise his voice a little.

If his parents were in the dining room, they wouldn't hear him, but if they were in the living room, they could hear him playing and it would annoy them.  At that point, either his mother or father would come into his room and take away the toys he was playing with and tell him to do something where he could be quiet, like reading or drawing.

When he would cry after his parents took away his toys, they would tell him to "Stop being a cry baby" or "You're too sensitive."

As a result, Ron grew up feeling that, in order not to get punished or ridiculed by his parents, he had to make himself "invisible" and also not show his emotions.  Without Ron realizing it, this eventually led to emotional numbing by the time he got a little older.  He numbed himself emotionally to the point where he wasn't sure what he felt at any given time.

By the time he was a teenager, he learned to pretend to feel happy in order to fit in with his peers.  Most teens who knew him thought of him as being a happy person, but Ron really felt empty inside (see my article: How to Stop Pretending to Feel Happy When You Don't).

When he went away to college, he began drinking heavily with other students.  He liked drinking because he felt uninhibited and free.  Since he was shy, the alcohol acted as a social lubricant for him so that he felt free enough to tell jokes at parties or ask young women out on dates (see my article: Overcoming the Temptation to Use "Liquid Courage" in Social Situations).

When his alcohol abuse began affecting his grades, he cut back enough so that he improved his grades and graduated with a high grade point average.  During his senior year, he was recruited by a large corporation in New York City, and he and some of his college friends rented an apartment together.

Developing a Compassionate Understanding of Your Unhealthy Coping Strategies 

Even though alcohol "worked" for Ron temporarily to relieve his feelings of low self worth, he began to realize that he needed to drink more to feel good.  He was intelligent and well informed enough to know that continuing to abuse alcohol could have negative emotional and physical effects.  But he didn't know what else to do not to feel overwhelmed by his feelings of inadequacy.

A couple of his roommates, who were close friends, stopped drinking and urged Ron to get help.  But Ron felt too ashamed.  He thought of his drinking as a "moral failing" rather than a maladaptive coping strategy.

Then, one day, one of his roommates, Tom, invited his Uncle Jim to the apartment to talk to Ron. Jim was a recovering alcoholic.  He told Ron how he started drinking and how he stopped by getting help.

It turned out that Jim's early childhood history was similar to Ron's in that Jim also grew up in a home with punitive parents where he felt he was a burden to them.  He also learned to numb his feelings and eventually developed a drinking problem in college.  But his life turned around after he was arrested for DWI and mandated to therapy.

Since that time, which was 20 years ago, he said, he remained sober.  But he also said that he knew plenty of people with alcohol problems who don't get the help they need and whose lives spiraled down (see my article: People Who Abuse Alcohol Often Don't Get the Help They Need).

Ron listened to Jim tell his story, and he was amazed.  It was the first time that he had ever heard anyone describe problems that were so similar to his.

Jim also talked about how ashamed he was at first when he started therapy.  He said that he was also ashamed of himself from the time he was a young child because he felt he was unlovable.  As a child, he thought to himself, If my own parents think of me as a burden, then I must be a bad person.

After he began therapy, Jim explained, he learned to be more self compassionate at the same time that he was becoming more responsible and accountable for his life.  He realized that no one had ever taught him healthy coping skills so, before he went to therapy, he did the best that he could.

He learned in therapy that his shame contributed to his emotional numbing and drinking and it made him feel even more ashamed of himself (see my articles: How Psychotherapy Helps to Heal Shame and Working in Therapy to Accept Your Emotional Needs).

He also learned to develop healthy coping skills and to work through his early childhood trauma (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Healthy Coping Skills in Therapy and Resolving Childhood Trauma in Therapy).

Developing a Compassionate Understanding of Your Maladaptive Coping Strategies

Just hearing that someone else could understand how he felt was a relief to Ron.  He accepted Jim's invitation to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) meetings.

Ron also sought out help from a licensed mental health professional to learn better coping strategies and to work on unresolved childhood trauma that was affecting him as an adult.

Conclusion
People, who grow up in punitive families where they feel unlovable, often internalize these feelings and believe them to be true.

If they haven't learned healthy coping skills, they will most likely develop unhealthy coping skills to avoid feeling the emotional pain.

Unfortunately, shame often becomes an obstacle for getting help, including the original shame of feeling unlovable as well as the shame that develops as a result of unhealthy coping skills.

People often feel alone with these problems, especially if they don't know anyone who has had similar problems.  They might feel defective and that they're the only ones who feel this way.

Getting Help in Therapy
As I've mentioned to in prior articles, it takes courage to get help to change (see my article: Developing the Courage to Change).

It's often the case that people wait until the pain of not dealing with their problems outweighs the shame of getting help.  At that point, they might be in an emotional crisis, but a crisis can bring about positive changes in life with help in therapy (see my article: How a Crisis Can Bring About Positive Changes in Your Life).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop healthy coping skills and also assist you to work through the emotional trauma that led to your developing the unhealthy coping strategies in the first place (see my articles:  The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist)

Once you have learned healthy coping strategies and worked through the underlying emotional trauma, you have an opportunity to lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapy, and Somatic Experiencing (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome traumatic experiences.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to develop healthy coping skills and work through emotional trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Self Abandonment - Part 2: A Clinical Vignette

In my last article about self abandonment I defined self abandonment and the circumstances where this dynamic occurs.  In this article, I give a fictional clinical vignette to further illustrate these dynamics.

Self Abandonment: A Clinical Vignette

As I mentioned in my prior article, some of the ways that self abandonment can take place include the following

• A pattern of ignoring your well-being to focus on others

• Placing your well-being in the hands of others and depending upon them for your happiness

• Judging yourself harshly for making these choices

A Fictional Clinical Vignette About Self Abandonment
The following vignette is a composite of many different stories with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Nina
Nina started psychotherapy in an emotional crisis.

Her three year relationship with Mike ended a month prior to her starting therapy when Mike told her that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship.

He denied that he was interested in anyone else. He said he felt pressured by Nina to take the next step in their relationship and he wasn't ready to do that.  He said he wasn't sure if he would ever be ready with her or anyone else.

Self Abandonment: A Clinical Vignette

Nina felt devastated when Mike broke up with her.  At 35, she had hoped that they would eventually get married and have children.  Now she wondered if she would ever be married and have a family.

After the breakup, Nina couldn't sleep, she couldn't concentrate at work, and she often cried throughout the day.

All she could think about was Mike and how much she wanted him back.  She tried to reach Mike by phone, text and email to try to reconcile their relationship.  But after he broke up with her, he refused to respond.

Nina felt she couldn't talk to anyone about the breakup because, after they met Mike a few times, her friends warned her that Mike would hurt her.

They thought he was narcissistic, and they disliked that he was openly critical of Nina in front of them.

See my articles: 

Could It Be That Your Friends See Things About Your Significant Other That You Don't See?

Belittling Behavior in Relationships

Her friends also thought he was immature and irresponsible when he told them that he wasn't showing up for work because his boss didn't give him the praise he felt he deserved.  His attitude resulted in his losing one job after another.

Nina defended him to her friends by telling them that they didn't understand him.  She said she saw a side of Mike that no one else saw and she thought they were being harsh.

After listening to Nina complain to them and then defend him many times, her friends were tired of it.  They told her that it would be better for her not to talk about it with them anymore.

Before the breakup, Nina continued to see her friends, but she stopped talking about her relationship with Mike and, at her friends' request, she no longer included Mike in their get-togethers because they didn't like him.

Now, Nina felt alone and miserable.  She couldn't believe this was happening to her, and she didn't understand why Mike broke up with her.

It was true, she said, she suggested that they move in together.  But she didn't expect Mike to have such a strong reaction to their conversation, "It's not like I gave him an ultimatum."

Nina's psychotherapist focused on helping Nina to get through this difficult time (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Strategies).

She taught Nina how to develop a wind down routine before going to bed so she could sleep better.  She also taught her how to do a relaxing meditation, a breathing exercise, and recommended that Nina keep a journal to express her feelings.

Once Nina was more on an even keel emotionally, Nina and her therapist explored the dynamics in her relationship with Mike with an emphasis on Nina's self defeating behavior.

Her psychotherapist explained the concept of self abandonment to Nina and tried to help Nina to develop insight into her own behavior.  But, initially, every time that her psychotherapist talked to Nina about how she didn't take care of herself, Nina would try to talk about Mike and what he said and did.

In a gentle, tactful way, Nina's therapist kept bringing the focus back to Nina and pointing out how Nina kept avoiding looking at her own behavior because she was so focused on Mike (see my article: Overcoming Codependency: Taking Care of Yourself First).

Nina wasn't accustomed to focusing on herself.  At first, she felt like she was being selfish and self centered (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish?).

But, over time, Nina began to understand how focusing on Mike was a way to avoid looking at herself and that she wouldn't develop insight into what happened until she was able to look at her own dynamics in the relationship (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies That Don't Work: Avoidance).

Gradually, as the therapy progressed, Nina realized that in her relationship with Mike and in her prior relationships, not only did she focus on her boyfriend, she abandoned her own needs and gave away her personal power.

See my articles:  

Relationships: Are You Giving Away Your Personal Power?

Taking Back Your Personal Power

Over time, Nina also realized that she wanted so much to be in a relationship that she avoided the warning signs that were there all along and that her friends could see more objectively (see my article: Are You Ignoring the Early Warning Signs in Your Relationship?).

Nina and her therapist were able to trace back these ingrained dynamics to Nina's family history.  As the oldest, Nina became a parentified child to a single mother who turned to Nina for mothering from the time Nina was a young child.  She also expected Nina to take care of her younger siblings.

Nina worked through the trauma of her emotional neglect as a child.

Se my articles: 

What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?

What is the Connection Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Problems Later On in Adult Relationships?

She also talked to her friends about the breakup and what she was learning about herself in therapy.

When she began dating again, she didn't allow her fears to get in the way of being more discerning when she met men (see my article: Choosing Healthier Relationships).

Although it was difficult for her, Nina also learned to like herself more and to take better care of herself.

Conclusion
Self abandonment can occur in many different ways.  It often involves codependency in relationships, as illustrated in the fictional vignette above.

Psychotherapy can help people who engage in this self destructive dynamic to develop insight, learn how to take better care of themselves, and change this self defeating pattern.

Getting Help in Therapy
Self abandonment usually involves unconscious behavior that has its roots in early childhood.

It's very difficult to change this self defeating behavior on your own, even when you're aware of  it, because the early roots of this behavior usually remain out of awareness.

Working with a skilled psychotherapist, you can develop insight into your behavior and change your pattern of relating to yourself and others (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

It takes courage to seek help in therapy to change (see my article:  Developing the Courage to Change).

By taking care of yourself and choosing healthier relationships, you can lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrated Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Abandonment: Part 1: What is Self Abandonment?

In my prior articles, I've written about abandonment in terms of feeling or being abandoned by parents, romantic partners, and friends.

See my articles: 

Fear of Abandonment: Leaving Your Relationship Because You're Afraid of Being Abandoned

The Connection Between Fear of Abandonment and Codependency

How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Overcome Fear of Abandonment 

I'm focusing on self abandonment in this article, a form of abandonment that is not talked about as much.

Self Abandonment: Part 1: What is Self Abandonment?

What is Self Abandonment?
The following list are signs of self abandonment:

• Ignoring Your Own Well-Being Consistently to Focus on Others:  Rather than attending to your own feelings and what's best for you, you consistently ignore your well-being to focus on others--family members, friends, romantic partners and others.  Rather than taking care of yourself, you consistently prioritize others' needs over your own, even in relationships where there is little to no reciprocity.  This is codependent behavior.  You avoid thinking about your own feelings of sadness, loneliness or emptiness because it makes you feel too uncomfortable.  After a while, you might become so disconnected from your inner emotional world that you experience emotional numbing and no longer know what you feel.  You no longer know your emotional truth. You might even see self care as being "selfish."

See my articles: 

What Happens When You Numb Yourself Emotionally?

Is Self Care Selfish?

Overcoming Codependency: Taking Care of Yourself First

• Placing Your Well-Being in Others' Hands:  Instead of taking care and nurturing yourself, you rely on others to do it for you.  You might be hoping, as an adult, to get from others what you didn't get as a child from one or both of your parents.  Even though you're hoping to get what you have needed for a long time from someone else, you might unconsciously choose people as romantic partners who can't or won't provide you with the love and nurturance that you need.  When you don't get what you need emotionally from your significant other, you interpret this as a sign that you're not worthy of being loved and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Eventually, after several disappointing and hurtful relationships, you might give up completely on relationships (see my next description, Judging Yourself Harshly

See my articles: 

Emotionally Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices

Choosing Healthier Romantic Relationships

• Judging Yourself Harshly:  Rather than having a balanced view of your strengths and areas where you could improve, you consistently judge yourself harshly and you tell yourself, "I'm no good" or "I'm stupid" or "I'm unlovable" or some variation of these internal messages.  When someone compliments you, you feel so uncomfortable that you're quick to deflect and deny the compliment.

See my articles: 

Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable

Overcoming the Fear That People Wouldn't Like You If They Knew the "Real You" 

Overcoming the Internal Critic

Next Article:
In my next article, I'll provide a clinical vignette to expand on this topic and discuss ways to overcome a pattern of self abandonment: Self Abandonment - Part 2: A Clinical Vignette

Getting Help in Therapy
People who engage in self abandonment often don't realize that they're doing it because the behavior is so ingrained and often unconscious.

Having no recognition of how they betray themselves, they might not seek help until they're in an emotional crisis and in despair.

Once the crisis is over or they enter into a new relationship, they "feel better" and they often don't stick with therapy to change the underlying self destructive patterns--until they're in the next emotional crisis (see my article:Leaving Therapy Prematurely and Remaining in Therapy Beyond the Immediate Crisis).

If you recognize yourself in this article, you could benefit from getting help in therapy, and sticking with therapy to learn to develop a healthier sense of self (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to recognize and change self destructive patterns that are keeping you stuck in your life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Once you've become aware of your self destructive patterns and worked through earlier trauma at the root of your problem so you can change, you can lead a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapy, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.