Integrating EMDR and Somatic Psychotherapy

In prior articles, I've discussed how I use an integrative approach to psychotherapy to tailor therapy to the needs of each client. In this article, I'm focusing specifically on the integration of EMDR and somatic psychotherapy as a powerful combination to overcome psychological trauma.

See my articles: 

What is EMDR Therapy? 

What is Adjunctive EMDR Therapy? 

Using Somatic Psychotherapy

Integrative Psychotherapy

Integrating EMDR and Somatic Psychotherapy

How EMDR Therapy Developed
EMDR therapy was originally developed by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D. in the mid-1980s for PTSD (postraumatic stress disorder).  It is one of the most researched therapies that has been shown to be effective to help clients to overcome trauma.

Since that time, EMDR has been shown to be effective for other problems, including performance enhancement, substance abuse, development trauma and other problems (see my article: EMDR Therapy and Performance Enhancement).

Enhancements to EMDR Therapy
EMDR therapy has also changed since its inception to include various enhancements to make it more effective for a wide variety of clients in therapy.  

One of those enhancements is the recognition that EMDR combines well with most other therapies, including psychodynamic psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, cognitive behavioral therapy and mind-body oriented therapies, like somatic psychotherapy (see my article: Contemporary Psychoanalysis and EMDR Therapy: A Powerful Combination to Overcome Trauma).

Combining EMDR Therapy and Somatic Psychotherapy
Combining EMDR therapy and somatic therapy works especially well for clients who are cut off from their emotional and physical experience of their body.  These clients often intellectualize about their problems.  They might be able to talk about their problems with significant insight, but that's where their experience ends.

Unfortunately, this usually means that their problems don't change.  So, they can remain in regular talk therapy for years and they experience no resolution to their problems (see my article: EMDR Therapy When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough).

By combining EMDR with somatic psychotherapy, the psychotherapist helps clients to connect to their experience on an emotional and physical level so that the client is no longer intellectualizing with about their problems (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs.

The use of somatic psychotherapy also helps to titrate the therapeutic work in a way that makes it manageable for the client, and since every client is different in terms of his or her window of tolerance, this makes the combination of EMDR and somatic therapy ideal for tailoring the therapy to the individual client's needs (see my article: Expanding Your Window of Tolerence in Therapy to Overcome Emotional Problems).

For instance, if a client is processing a traumatic memory from childhood with EMDR therapy and she begins to feel afraid, a psychotherapist who uses somatic psychotherapy can help the client to calm down and ground by asking her to become aware of how her feet feel against the floor and how the floor and all the other floors below support the weight of her body. 

The therapist can also bring the client's attention to other parts of her body where she feels calm and safe.  Then, when the client is ready, they can return to processing the trauma with EMDR.

When the client knows in advance that the work will be titrated in a way that she controls based on what feels manageable for her, she is more likely to be open to processing traumatic experiences that she might have been reticent to do before.

Using somatic psychotherapy with EMDR also helps to integrate changes made in therapy because the therapeutic work is experienced more fully based on the mind-body connection rather than just depending on an intellectual integration.

Getting Help in Therapy
EMDR and somatic psychotherapy are a powerful combination for processing traumatic experiences as well as for performance enhancement.

If you have unresolved traumatic experiences that are holding you back and preventing you from maximizing your potential, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help from a skilled psychotherapist who can help you overcome your problems.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who uses integrative psychotherapy in.a dynamic and collaborative way to tailor each treatment to the needs of the particular client.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Email me. 

What is Empathic Failure in Psychotherapy?

Most licensed psychotherapists are individuals who are credentialed and skilled in their areas of expertise. I believe the vast majority of psychotherapists are ethical and empathetic individuals who have their clients' best interests at heart and help their clients to overcome their psychological problems. But there can be big differences in terms of skills and experience from one psychotherapist to the next, and I believe that clients should be informed consumers, which is why I'm focusing on this issue.  

Psychotherapists are also human and, like everyone else, they make mistakes in therapy.  In this article, I'm focusing on a particular mistake called "empathic failure" where this is not an occasional problem but a recurrent problem with some psychotherapists (see my article: Why is Empathy Important in Psychotherapy?).

What is Empathic Failure in Psychotherapy?

What is Empathy?
Empathy involves a psychological process where you're able to put yourself in other people's shoes and get a sense of what they're feeling.  For instance, if your friend is upset because her dog died, even if you never had a dog in your life, you can put yourself in your friend's shoes and understand why she's upset about the loss.  You can tap into your friend's feelings and sense what she's feeling and resonate with her sadness about the loss.

What is Empathic Failure in Everyday Relationships?
Empathic failures occur all the time between friends, spouses, family members, students and teachers and so on.  Except when dealing with highly insensitive people, I believe that most instances of empathic failure occur inadvertently.

For instance, a husband might forget that his wife told him that she would like a particular perfume for her birthday. Instead, he buys her a vacuum cleaner and he feels proud of himself because it's energy efficient.

He expects that his wife will be thrilled.  But his wife's reaction is the complete opposite of what he expected--she is upset and angry because she feels he didn't hear her when she told him what she wanted.  She also feels that he sees her only as a "housewife" who cleans the apartment rather than a sensual woman.

While this might be very disappointing for his wife and it's an empathic failure, this isn't a reason to get a divorce if he is usually empathetic and they have a good relationship most of the time.  They can work out this problem and the husband can be more aware next time.

What is Empathic Failure in Psychotherapy?
When clients begin psychotherapy, they usually have a certain degree of trust that the psychotherapist is a credentialed mental health professional who will be attuned to their needs in therapy and help them to overcome the emotional problems.

Aside from all the other clinical skills that psychotherapists learn, one of the most important is how to be empathetic towards clients in therapy.  This is a skill that is honed in graduate school and, if the psychotherapist goes to postgraduate training, this skill usually developed even more.

I believe that most psychotherapists are empathetic individuals and those who go to graduate school who lack this skill are weeded out by supervisors and instructors.  That's not to say that there aren't some people who somehow make it through the screening process at times.

Even the best psychotherapists make mistakes in therapy at times, including empathic failures.  But there's a difference between a therapist who makes occasional mistakes related to empathic failure and those who do it habitually. So, let's start by defining what an empathic failure is in therapy:

An empathic failure occurs in therapy when the psychotherapist isn't attuned to the client.  This can occur in many ways:

• Forgetting important details about the client's life
• Confusing the client's history with another client
• Forgetting what the client and the therapist discussed in the prior session
• Forgetting an appointment with the client
• Focusing on the psychotherapist's life instead of focusing on the client's problems
• Projecting the psychotherapist's needs, wants, and problems onto the client
• Being dismissive of the client's needs
• Failing to be attuned to the client's emotions and mislabeling these emotions
• Failing to take responsibility for the mistakes that the psychotherapist made in therapy

and so on.

As I mentioned, even the best psychotherapists commit empathic failures at times.  For instance, a therapist, who is usually punctual and organized, can confuse his appointment schedule if the therapist is going through a very stressful time in his life.  If things were going smoothly before that, assuming that the therapist takes responsibility for the mistake, most clients would accept an apology and the therapy would continue (see my article: Ruptures and Repairs in Psychotherapy).

The empathic failures that I'm most concerned about are the ones that occur on a regular basis with a client who might have grown up with parents who lacked empathy for him.

Since this client grew up in an environment with chronic empathic failure, he might not recognize that he is in an unhealthy situation with his therapist.  It might seem "normal" to him because this is all that he knows.

The following fictional vignette illustrates how empathic failure can occur between a client and a therapist and steps that the client can take to take care of him or herself.

Fictional Vignette:  Mistakes Psychotherapists Make in Psychotherapy: Empathic Failure

Mike
Mike began therapy after a recent breakup. He told his new therapist that he felt unlovable and not good enough for most of his life.  This began in early childhood when his mother let him know that neither she nor his father wanted to have children, and Mike was "an accident."

He grew up feeling like he was "an inconvenience" to his parents, who paid very little attention to him.  As soon as he was old enough, they sent him to boarding school, which was a lonely experience for Mike.

When Mike looked up, he saw that his therapist had fallen asleep.  He wasn't sure what to do, so he cleared his throat hoping to wake the therapist up.  The therapist was startled by the sound and woke up with a jolt, "Oh, ah...what were you saying?"

Mike wasn't sure how much his therapist missed, so he started again at the beginning to describe his breakup and his family history.

Over the next few weeks, there were several other incidents.   There were a couple of times when Mike's therapist double booked appointments and Mike had to go home instead of seeing the therapist.

There was an incident where the therapist seemed to completely forget what Mike had told him about his family history and about the breakup, so Mike had to tell the therapist about these issues again.  Then, there was one day when Mike showed up for his regularly scheduled appointment and the therapist wasn't there.  Mike checked his voicemail to see if the therapist had left a message, but there were no messages.

Later that evening, when Mike met his close friend, Larry, and told him what had happened when Mike went to his therapist's office and the therapist wasn't there, Larry asked him questions about the therapy and if there were other problems in the therapy before this.

Mike thought about it for a minute and then told Larry about the other incidents.  While Mike spoke, Larry, who had good experiences in therapy before, listened carefully.  After Mike told him about the incidents, Larry told Mike that he needed to find another therapist because his current therapist seemed irresponsible and not attuned to Mike.

Since Larry knew Mike a long time, he also knew about Mike's childhood history and knew that Mike's experiences with his therapist were harmful.  He told Mike that he thought Mike's therapist wasn't treating him well and gave him all the reason why he thought this.  Mike listened, realized that what Larry was telling him resonated with him and that he probably had a blind spot about this.

When he went to his next session, Mike explained to his therapist why he thought the therapy wasn't working out for him and specifically why he felt he wasn't being treated well by the therapist.  His therapist looked uncomfortable, but he acknowledged that he had made mistakes with Mike.

Mike thought about it and decided that he ought to have consultations with other psychotherapists.  After two other consultations, Mike chose to work with another psychotherapist who seemed much more attuned to him.

He had one more session with his current therapist for closure and then began to meet regularly with the new therapist.  During that therapy, Mike began to understand why he had a blind spot in his former therapy.

He was also able to make connections between his history of emotional neglect with his family and the empathic failure that he experienced with his previous therapist.  This work helped Mike to feel that he deserved to be treated better in all areas of his life.

Conclusion
As I mentioned earlier, I believe that most psychotherapists are empathetic individuals who got into the mental health field to help people.

There can be empathic failures in any relationship.  Ideally, they are few and far between and when they occur, the person who made the mistake is able to admit it so there can be emotional repair.

An occasional mistake can occur in therapy, and the therapist should acknowledge the rupture and make an effort to repair the therapeutic relationship.  But when there are consistent empathic failures in psychotherapy with a particular psychotherapist, the client would do well to address these issues in therapy and to make a decision as to whether s/he wants to stay or find a different therapist.

Unfortunately, clients who grew up being emotionally neglected or abuse often have a blind spot for empathic failures because it seems "normal" to them.

Although this is a blog article and of necessity it's short, I hope it will be helpful to clients who might be experiencing consistent empathic failures in their therapy to become more aware of it and to take care of themselves by finding a therapist who can meet their needs.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you are struggling with an emotional problem that you have been unable to resolve, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional.

A consultation or two with a therapist (or more than one therapist) can help you to decide if you and the therapist are a good match (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who provides integrative psychotherapy to individual adults and couples (see my article: Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are Phobias and How Do They Develop?

In my prior two articles, I discussed the difference between fear and anxiety and panic attacks (see my articles:  What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety? and Tips For Coping With Panic Attacks).  In this article, I'm focusing on phobias.

What Are Phobias and How Do They Develop?

What is a Phobia?
A phobia is an excessive, irrational and persistent fear of an object or a situation. Most of the time, people who have phobias know consciously that their fear is irrational, but since the fear is in their unconscious minds, it can make little or no difference in terms of the way they feel.

There are many different types of phobias: fear of closed in places, fear of heights, fear of dogs, fear of injections, fear of flying, social phobia, and so on.

How Do Phobias Develop?
Phobias usually develop by some triggering event, which might not be obvious at the time when it occurs.

Phobias are debilitating and, depending on what the phobia is, it often has an adverse effect on a person's personal and work life.

For example, if a person has a fear of flying, and travel is a big part of his job, he will experience a lot of anxiety and possibly panic attacks when he has to travel for business. The same would be true if he had to fly for a family vacation.

There is often a genetic component with phobias.

Conclusion

Overcoming a phobia can be challenging.  That is why it's important for you to get help from a licensed psychotherapist.

Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome a Phobia
Clinical hypnosis is one of the best ways of treating phobias, because hypnotherapy works with the unconscious mind (see my article: What is Clinical Hypnosis?).

Once you're no longer struggling with a phobia, you will live your life with a greater sense of well-being.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who provides Integrative Psychotherapy (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy.

I have helped many clients to overcome phobias.

To find out more about me, please visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Tips For Coping With Panic Attacks

In a prior article, What's the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?,  I discussed the difference between fear and anxiety.  In this article, I'm providing tips for coping with panic attacks.

Tips For Coping With Panic Attacks

What Are Panic Attacks?
A panic attack is usually caused by anxiety. Symptoms usually come on suddenly.  The most common symptoms can include:

• shortness of breath
• muscle spasms
• choking sensation
• nausea
• irregular heartbeat
• dizziness or lightheadedness
• shaking
• sweating
• fatigue
• tingling sensations in hands or feet 
• feelings of foreboding
• fear that you're losing your mind
• fear that you're going to die

Not everyone gets every symptom.

If you're experiencing these symptoms, its important to see your medical doctor to rule out a medical cause.

Panic attacks can be debilitating.  Some people get occasional panic attacks, and others have chronic panic attacks.  I

Tips For Coping With Panic Attacks
If you have occasional panic attacks, relaxation, grounding and breathing exercises can be helpful.  See my articles for tips on how to cope with panic attacks:

Journal Writing to Relieve Stress and Anxiety
Learning to Stay Calm During Stressful Times
Finding Inner Peace During Uncertain Times
Self Care: Feeling Entitled to Take Care of Yourself
The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation
Self Reflection and Basic Mindfulness
Research Shows That Meditation Can Change Your Brain
Learning to Relax: Square Breathing
Staying Calm When You're in the Middle of Chaos
Finding Moments of Peace During Stressful Times
Self Soothing Techniques to Use When You're Feeling Distressed
Learning to Relax: Going on an Internal Retreat
Discovering the Quiet Place Within Yourself

Panic Attacks Can Get Worse If Untreated
People who have panic attacks often become afraid of when they will have the next panic attack.  For many people, this causes them to avoid certain activities, including going outside.

This avoidance causes its own problems.  For instance, panic attacks can include agoraphobia, a fear and avoidance of being out in public.  If someone develops panic attacks with agoraphobia, this is an obvious hindrance to maintaining a job and a social life.

If you have panic attacks, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients with panic attacks and other related problems with anxiety.

Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome Panic Attacks
For many people panic attacks get worse over time without treatment, so it's important to get help sooner rather than later (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the debilitating effects of panic attacks, so you can live your life with a sense of well-being.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works collaboratively with clients and uses Integrative Psychotherapy to develop the best treatment plan for each client (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome panic attacks.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Family Members Who Make Passive Aggressive Comments to You

In prior articles, How to Recognize Passive Aggressive Behavior and How to Change Passive Aggressive Behavior, I discussed passive aggressive behavior in relationships.  In this article, I'm discussing how to deal with family members who make passive aggressive remarks and try to pass it off with saying, "I was only telling you for your own good" or "I was only joking."

What is Passive Aggressive Behavior?
Passive aggressive behavior is a tendency to engage in indirect, thinly veiled hostile behavior.  This includes making insulting remarks, sulking, sullen behavior, stubbornness or delaying (or not doing) tasks that were agreed upon.

Coping With Family Members Who Make Passive Aggressive Comments to You

The following fictional vignette illustrates how family members make passive aggressive comments:

Fictional Vignette: Coping With Family Members Who Make Passive Aggressive Comments:

Rita
Before Rita went home for the holidays, she told her parents and her younger sister that she decided to stop drinking because she realized that she was drinking too much lately.  She knew that her family tended to drink a lot during the holidays, and she didn't want to be pressured to drink, so she let them know in advance to avoid the pressure.

When Rita arrived at her parents home, her sister, Ann, opened the door with a cocktail in hand and told Rita to help herself to whatever alcoholic drink she wanted.

Feeling annoyed, Rita reminded Ann that she was not drinking.  Ann rolled her eyes at Rita, "Oh, you're not going to be any fun.  It's the holidays.  Everyone drinks on the holidays.  You can have just one drink, can't you?"

Rita ignored her sister, but her sister persisted by enlisting their mother, "Mom, can you believe Rita's not drinking?"

Their mother, who also had a drink in her hand, smiled, "Rita, don't be a bore.  Make yourself a drink."

Rita felt so angry that she was shaking and on the verge of tears, "For once, I wish you two would hear me.  I've been drinking too much lately and I want to stop"(see my articles: How to Cope With Difficult Family Visits and How to Cope With Getting Emotionally Triggered During Family Visits).

Ann laughed and waved her hand at Rita in a dismissive manner, "Don't be so dramatic.  I just want you to have a good time.  Don't take it so seriously."

Their mother joined in and said to Ann, "Rita has always been so serious.  Now, look at her long face."

When Rita angrily put her coat back on and started for the door, her mother said, "Oh come on.  You're not really leaving, are you?  I was just kidding."

But Rita was too angry to stick around, so she got back in her car and drove home with tears in her eyes the entire way.

During her next psychotherapy session, she spoke with her psychotherapist about her mother's and sister's passive aggressive comments and how much they hurt her.

Rita's therapist acknowledged that her family's remarks were passive aggressive and they talked about how Rita could deal with these kinds of remarks the next time that she visited her parents' home (see below).

How to Cope With Your Family Members' Passive Aggressive Comments
The following suggestions can be used for anyone that you encounter who makes passive aggressive remarks:

• Stay Calm:  Although it can be difficult to stay calm when family members make thinly veiled hostile remarks, it's important to keep your cool so you can think about what you're saying and your response doesn't make matters worse.  If you can't stay calm in the moment, take a break and then speak to your family once you're composed.

• Confront the Passive Aggressive Behavior By Setting Boundaries:   While remaining calm, confront the passive aggressive behavior and set boundaries with your family. "Confronting" doesn't mean that you're aggressive or offensive.  It means that you're asserting yourself in a healthy way.  Why assert yourself?  If you don't your family members will continue to speak to you in thinly hostile ways.  In addition, if you don't address this behavior, their remarks might erode your self esteem.  You will also harbor unspoken resentments, which can come out in your own passive aggressive or sarcastic comments.  This only makes things worse (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries).

• Let Your Family Know What You Consider to Be Unacceptable:  Rather than hoping that your family will understand without being told, calmly and tactfully let your family members know what is and isn't acceptable to you.  For example, if your mother tends to make passive aggressive remarks about your weight, let her know that her remarks hurt your feelings and that you don't want to hear them.  She might respond by making another passive aggressive remark, like, "I'm only telling you for your own good."  But don't buy it.  While you're not trying to change her, you need to stick up for yourself.  Be very clear and specific about the type of topics that you don't want to discuss and stick with it--even if you have to tell your family members a few times.

• Ask Them If There's Something They Would Like to Discuss More Directly:  There are often other issues brewing underneath passive aggressive comments.  Sometimes, it's completely unrelated to whatever they're saying to you.  They might still be angry about something that happened years ago and they're seizing on a passive aggressive remark to even the score--whether they realize it or not.  By offering to address whatever might be bothering them, you're letting your family know that you're open to hearing about things that might be bothering them that could be lurking underneath their hostile remarks.

• Have a Direct Discussion With Your Family Members and Clear the Air:  If your family is open to admitting that there are other issues involved, have a direct discussion and clear the air.  It's better to clear up old unfinished business than to continue to be subjected to passive aggressive behavior.

Conclusion
People who make passive aggressive remarks often don't know how to communicate directly, so they use an indirect and hurtful way of communicating, namely, passive aggressive comments.

Whether they realize it or not, passive aggressive remarks can be sadistic and hurtful.  These remarks often cause rifts in families.

You will need to assert yourself in a tactful and calm way to set boundaries.  This needs to be done in person--not by email, text or over the phone.  Anything other than face-to-face communication will be less effective.

Remember that you have a right to stick up for yourself.  You're not trying to change them.  You're setting boundaries, letting them know what's acceptable and what's not, asking them to respect your feelings and your wishes, and you're setting boundaries.

Getting Help in Therapy
Confronting passive aggressive behavior and setting boundaries with family members can be difficult, especially if there is a long history of problems.

Rather than suffering on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help to address these issues (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Once you have been assertive and set boundaries with your family, you'll feel better about yourself and you will have grown in a way that you didn't think possible before.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who provides integrative psychotherapy in a dynamic and collaborate way (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Marriage: Are You Expecting Too Much From Your Spouse?

People are relying much more on their spouses these days to fulfill all their needs, which puts a strain  on the relationship and can lead to the demise of the marriage.  If you're having problems in your marriage due to possible unrealistic expectations, you might want to ask yourself if you're expecting too much from your spouse, which is the subject of this article (see my article: Relationships: Your Spouse Can't Meet All Your Needs, When Love Doesn't Conquer All and Developing and Maintaining a Happy Relationship).

Marriage: Are You Expecting Too Much From Your Spouse?

Spouses With Unrealistic Expectations: Your Spouse Can't Meet All Your Needs
Over the years, I've seen many couples in my psychotherapy practice in New York City who love each other and want to make their marriages work, but one or both of them have unrealistic expectations.

When these expectations aren't met, the spouse with the expectations often feels angry and resentful.  The spouse who is being blamed for not living up to expectations can feel pressured by the demands and resentful that s/he is being held responsible for the problems in the marriage.

Traditional marriage vows include cherishing your spouse, remaining in sickness and health and for richer or poorer.  Those used to be the expectations people had when they entered into a marriage.  But now many couples expect, in addition to those expectations, that their spouses will make them feel emotionally fulfilled, attractive, successful, competent, and help them to grow psychologically.

This would be a tall order for several people to fulfill, but to expect one person to fulfill all these needs is too much pressure and can lead to an erosion of the marriage.

I think most people, who have unrealistic expectations, don't realize how much pressure they place on their spouses because they haven't stopped to think about it.  They might be focused on one aspect of their expectations at any given time and not think about all the other demands that they've made.

Complicating all of this is that so many people see less of close friendships and family members after they get married and rely solely on their spouses for all their needs.

Whereas before these other relationships probably fulfilled them to a certain degree emotionally, intellectually and perhaps creatively, now they expect their spouses to fill all these roles.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized vignette which illustrates the typical dynamics in a marriage where too much is being demanded of the spouse:

Fictional Vignette: Are You Expecting Too Much From Your Spouse?

Nina and Dan
Two years into their marriage, Nina and Dan began couples counseling because they were constantly arguing (see my article: Starting Couples Counseling).

When they first started dating five years before, they enjoyed each other's company and hardly ever argued.  They had a passionate relationship and enjoyed similar interests.  But after two years of marriage, they were each questioning whether they made a mistake by getting married.

Nina complained that Dan used to make her feel attractive, intelligent and fun to be around.  But after two years of marriage, she felt that he hardly ever complimented her and no longer made her feel special.

She also complained that they were no longer having as much sex as they used to have before they got married, and there were times when the sex felt boring rather than how passionate it used to feel while they were dating.

Nina also resented that Dan took less interest in her personal growth, whereas before he spent time encouraging her and making suggestions on how she could grow as a person.  All of this made Nina feel lonely, sad and angry.

Dan fumed that he was currently working 80 hours or more a week at his law firm, and he was often exhausted, "The last thing I want to hear when I come home exhausted is that I'm not living up to Nina's expectations.  I love her, but I can't take all her demands.  She used to see more of her friends and her sisters, who were emotionally supportive of her, but she hardly sees them now.  She expects me to be everything to her.  But I can't be everything.  She doesn't understand that."

Nina acknowledged that she used to spend more time with her sisters and friendships, but she thought once she got married, Dan would fulfill her needs.  She said she knew he came home exhausted and she didn't want to pile on a bunch of complaints, but she felt increasingly unhappy and she didn't know what to do.

As Nina and Dan began to work on their problems in therapy, Nina came to see just how much she was expecting from Dan and that she needed to reconnect with friends and family to get some of her needs met.  For his part, Dan acknowledged that he could cut back on his work hours to spend more time with Nina.

Over time, they were able to discuss in couples therapy what each of them could reasonably expect from the other.  Nina spent more time with her friends who met many of her needs.  She also spent more time with her sisters, who were emotionally supportive and fun to be around.  She realized how much she missed these relationships once she reconnected with them.

Dan was able to cut back on the hours he worked so he could come home and spend more time with Nina.  Once she stopped criticizing him, he also felt more open to her emotionally and sexually.

Nina also realized in couples therapy that, after a while, sex isn't as passionate as it was during the early stage of the relationship, but it could be more emotionally fulfilling. Together Dan and Nina planned special evenings together to revive their emotional and sexual intimacy.

As they got closer, Nina told their couples therapist that prior to coming to couples counseling, she didn't realize that she was piling all these demands on Dan.  But after talking about it in their therapy, she realized that it would have been too much for any one person.  She was also happier to be reconnected with friends and family and to discover that some her needs could be met in these relationships.

Marriage: Are You Expecting Too Much From Your Spouse?

Dan said he was now pleased to come home to Nina.  After she reconnected with family and friends, he felt a weight was lifted from him and he no longer felt like "a bad husband."  He was glad that Nina no longer saw him as failing in their marriage.

Conclusion
Generally, people have greater expectations these days that they will have all of their needs met in their marriage.  This is especially true if one or both people in the marriage have given up other important emotional connections with family and friends who met some of those needs.

It's important for each person to be open and to discuss what they want from their spouse and what they each can reasonably do (see my articles: Are You Too Afraid to Talk to Your Spouse About What's Bothering You?  and How to Communicate More Effectively in Your Relationship).

Becoming aware of what you're demanding of your spouse is the first step in resolving this problem.  Each of you needs to be able to listen to and respect what the other person has to say, even when it's difficult to hear.

Once you've become aware of your spouse's feelings, you both have an opportunity to renegotiate your expectations.  This might mean that you don't get everything that you want or need, but you might have a happier marriage.  Also, consider the importance of maintaining connections with supportive family and friends.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you've gotten to a point in your marriage where you can no longer communicate with each other without your discussion devolving into an argument, you could benefit from seeing a couples therapist (see my articles  Relationships: When Expressing Your Feelings Turns Into Verbal Abuse and The Benefits of Therapy).

Choose a licensed mental health professional that you both feel comfortable with and who has experiencing helping couples with your issues (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Getting help to discuss what you would like and how you can renegotiate your relationship could save your marriage and help you both to feel more fulfilled.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

EMDR Therapy For Performance Enhancement

Many clients start psychotherapy because they want to enhance their performance in their career or in their personal life.  Although EMDR therapy is generally known for resolving psychological trauma, since it was developed by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D. in the 1980s EMDR has been used in many other areas, including anxiety reduction, overcoming phobias, and performance enhancement (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy? and What is Adjunctive EMDR?).

EMDR Therapy For Performance Enhancement

Executives, actors, writers, singers, athletes, artists and people in many other situations seek help from EMDR therapists to overcome their performance anxiety and their related negative beliefs that are getting in the way of their success.

The following fictional vignette illustrates how EMDR therapy is used for performance enhancement:

Fictional Vignette: EMDR Therapy For Performance Enhancement:

Tom
When Tom's director told him that he was promoting him to an executive level position with a significant increase in salary, Tom was thrilled.  He worked hard for this promotion, and he was happy that he was being recognized by his director.

Then, his director told Tom that part of the new responsibilities would be to give presentations to the board of directors, and Tom felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

While Tom really wanted the promotion, he dreaded giving presentations--especially to the board of directors.  He suffered with a lifelong dread of public speaking.  Even when he was in high school and he was asked to address his teachers and fellow students, he stammered and trembled on stage.

Giving his presentation in high school was one of the most humiliating experiences of his life. After that experience, he avoided public speaking.  Even in college, he managed to get through without having to do a presentation.  But now he knew that there was too much at stake for his career and he wanted to overcome his fear of public speaking.

A close friend, Jim, told Tom that his son, who was a college basketball player, was seeing an EMDR therapist for performance enhancement.  His son tended to "choke" in a big game, which made him feel ashamed and discouraged.

Jim told Tom that the EMDR therapist helped his son to overcome his performance anxiety and build his self confidence, which helped to enhance his performance.  He recommended that Tom find an EMDR therapist to deal with his anxiety about public speaking.

Tom had never heard of EMDR therapy before, but he looked it up online and saw all the positive research about EMDR's effectiveness, so he contacted an EMDR therapist to begin therapy.

During the first several sessions, Tom's EMDR therapist obtained information about Tom's family history and helped him to develop internal resources.

Then, they were ready to begin processing Tom's fear of public speaking.  His therapist asked Tom to recall his memory of speaking in the auditorium in high school.  After Tom accessed the memory, she asked him several questions, including what his negative belief is about himself as it is related to that memory.

Tom thought about it and said, "I feel powerless when I have to speak in front of an audience."  He told his therapist that he wanted to feel confident and in control when he does public speaking.

Then, Tom and his EMDR therapist began the desensitization phase of EMDR.  While they were doing EMDR, they discovered that there were several other earlier memories that were related to the memory they were working on so, over time, they processed these underlying memories as well.

When Tom no longer felt anxious about his memories, they worked on the current situation and a future situation until Tom no longer felt anxious about speaking in front of the board of directors.

When his therapist checked with Tom to find out if he felt confident and in control about public speaking, Tom said he was very surprised that he actually did feel confident and in control.

The proof came a few months later when, in his new executive position, Tom had to go before the board of directors to do his first presentation to them.

Before the presentation, Tom was surprised to notice that he wasn't at all nervous.  He felt confident that he was the top expert in his company for the topic he would be presenting, so there was no one else who knew more about it than he did.

EMDR Therapy For Performance Enhancement

During his presentation, Tom felt confident and in control.  He also saw his director standing in the back of the room smiling and nodding at him, which made him feel even more confident.

Afterwards, the chief executive officer thanked Tom for an informative presentation and told him that he hoped it would be the first of many.

Conclusion
EMDR therapy was originally developed to help clients to overcome psychological trauma.  However, since it was first developed, EMDR therapy has been found to be highly effective for other types of problems, including performance enhancement.

The fictional vignette presented above represents one way that clients react to EMDR therapy for performance enhancement.  Of course, everyone is different and will have their own idiosyncratic responses.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with a problem related to performance anxiety--whether it relates to career issues, taking steps to improve your health or whatever anxiety might be getting in your way of success--you could benefit from EMDR therapy.

The complexity of the anxiety-related problem will be different for each person.  Some people can overcome their performance anxiety in a relatively short time.  Other people have more complicated problems that have roots that go beyond the current situation and would need more time doing EMDR.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an EMDR therapist.

Overcoming your performance anxiety can open up a new world for you.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped clients to free themselves from their performance anxiety so they could go on to achieve success in their fields.

I also work as an adjunct psychotherapist for clients who want EMDR, clinical hypnosis or Somatic Experience and who want to remain with their primary therapist 

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.