Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs

In an earlier article, Self Blame and the Internal Critic, I began a discussion about how people often experience self blame.  In this article, I will discuss self blame, the need to feel in control and how experiential therapy, like EMDR, helps to achieve emotional breakthroughs.

Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs

Self blame can come in many forms, including a general feeling of "I'm wrong" or "I can't do anything right."

Self blame can also relate to a specific misfortune or trauma in one's life, including loss.

For people who are stuck and mired in self blame related to a traumatic incident, the feelings of self blame often give them the sense that they could have controlled some aspect of the traumatic event when it occurred and that this would have brought about a different outcome.

In most cases, this is an illusion and keeps people stuck emotionally at the point where the trauma incident occurred.

The following scenario is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality:

Rena
Rena came to therapy because she blamed herself for the death of her husband, who died on 9/11 at the World Trade Center.

Several years had passed since the tragic event and every day Rena thought about how she could have prevented her husband from dying that day if only she had insisted that he stay home from work because he wasn't feeling well.

She replayed the last moments in her mind over and over again--when she saw her husband as he was standing in their bedroom trying to decide whether to go to work or stay home.

He was sneezing and coughing, and she thought about telling him to stay home but, for some reason which she could never figure out, she didn't say it.  Instead, she told him to come home early if he felt worse and, with that, he kissed her, walked out the door, and she never saw him again.

Rena had attended cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) a few months after her husband died and, because of that therapy, she realized that she wasn't really to blame.  But her realization was very much on an intellectual level and it didn't help to dispel the grief and guilt that she felt.

Deep down on an emotional level, she still felt that if only she had insisted that her husband stay home, he would be alive today.  Even though she knew logically that this made no sense, on an emotional level, she carried this heavy burden.

The weight of her grief and guilt was such that all she could do was go to work, come home and sleep.  She no longer saw her friends or engaged in activities that she used to enjoy.

Since Rena's prior therapy only helped her in a limited way, she wanted to try a different type of therapy.

So, when her friend told her that she was able to resolve a personal trauma with Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR), Rena read up on EMDR and decided that she wanted to try this experiential form of mind-body oriented therapy (see my article:  What is EMDR?).

Rena wanted to work on the memory that she replayed in her mind over and over since 9/11.

After getting Rena's personal history and helping Rena to develop coping skills to work on the trauma, which took several sessions, we began to process the trauma.

When I asked Rena to think about an image that represented the worst part of that memory, she told me that in her mind's eye, she saw her husband standing in their bedroom as he was weighing whether or not to go to work and she was standing nearby, concerned, but silent.

Just saying these words caused Rena a great deal of pain and she sobbed.  After a few moments, she stopped crying and she was able to identify where in her body she felt the grief and guilt--in her chest and throat.

Identifying feelings in the body is an important difference between experiential therapies (like EMDR) and CBT, which tends to stay on the cognitive level.

Then, in keeping with the EMDR process, I asked her what words would best describe how she feels about herself now with regard to that memory, and she said, "I should have made him stay home so he would be alive now."

In terms of how disturbing this memory was for her on a scale of 0-10 (where 0 equals no disturbance and 10 equals the most painful disturbance imaginable), Rena said it felt like a 10.

Then, I asked Rena what words best describe how she would like to feel about herself in relation to that memory, and she said she wanted to feel, "I did the best that I could."

At that point in EMDR therapy, Rena didn't feel this way about herself at all.

Before we started processing this traumatic memory, I reminded Rena that if at any time she felt she was too upset to continue, she could signal me and we could stop for a few minutes or stop altogether for the rest of the session.  It was important for her to know that she was in charge.

Although Rena experienced waves of sorrow during the EMDR processing, she did not want to stop because she felt that something was shifting inside of her, but she wasn't sure what it was yet.

This sense of internal shifting is a common experience for clients who are in EMDR therapy.

We continued to work on this memory for several more weeks.

At the end of each session, we talked about the session, and Rena continued to say that she felt something, which was unidentifiable to her, that was shifting internally.  At that point, it was still hard for her to imagine that she could ever let go of her guilt and sadness for not stopping her husband from going to work on 9/11.

Then, a few weeks later, Rena had an emotional breakthrough.

Until then, as I mentioned earlier, her understanding that her husband's death was not her fault was only a logical construct in her mind--she didn't feel it emotionally, and she continued to carry this contradiction within herself.

But on that day, as she sensed into her body to feel what emotions came up for her about the memory, she realized that she wasn't feeling self blame.  She was sad that her husband died, but she didn't feel responsible for his death.

At first, she could hardly believe that there had been this internal shift within her.

Instead of feeling self blame, she felt a deep sense of knowing that she couldn't have altered the chain of events.  She felt deeply that she wasn't to blame.  She knew deep down that no matter what she would have said, based on how her husband reacted in similar situations prior to that day, he still would have gone to work.  So, she couldn't have controlled the situation--and now she knew this on a an emotional level.

Afterwards, when we talked about this, Rena said that her sense of knowing that she wasn't to blame was different this time from how she had felt before.  She said that this time she felt it in her gut and in her heart.

She knew on a deep level that the idea that she could have changed the course of events was an illusion that she had been hanging onto.

As we continued to work together, what surfaced was that Rena's illusion that she could have changed the course of events at that pivotal point (when he was standing in the bedroom trying to decide what to do) served to keep her feeling emotionally attached to her husband--to that last time that she saw him.

This is why, prior to her emotional breakthrough, thinking about that moment over and over again was so powerful for her.

This emotional breakthrough for Rena helped her to release her grief, which had been pent up in her for several years.  It also allowed her to deal with other emotions that had been covered over by her feelings of self blame.

Over time, we continued to work on other emotional issues that arose about her husband's death, including her feelings of abandonment.  Even though she knew logically that her husband didn't choose to leave her, she experienced this common reaction that people often have when loved ones die.

Along the way, Rena learned other ways to have an internal experience of closeness for her husband without having to remain stuck in the traumatic memory.

Being able to feel the release of grief helped her to start putting her life back together again.  Gradually, she began to see friends again and she took up hobbies that she had neglected since her husband's death.

CBT as a Counteractive Therapy vs EMDR as Experiential Therapy
Each client is different and there's usually no way to know in advance what will be emotionally transformative for a particular client.

I do use CBT for some clients under some circumstances, but my experience as a psychotherapist who specializes in working with trauma, has been that, although CBT can be useful to a certain extent, it often offers limited help, particularly in situations described in the scenario about "Rena."

Of course, it's important for clients to understand on a cognitive level that they're not to blame for traumatic incidents that they could not have controlled.  But, as in the case with Rena, this kind of cognitive understanding is limited and clients will often say, "I know logically that I wasn't to blame, but I still feel on an emotional level that it was my fault."

It's important that clients understand that feeling this contradiction isn't at all unusual when it comes to trauma.

The problem with CBT in these instances is that it is a top-down approach that acts only as a counteractive force to the negative feelings that clients feel about themselves, which often keeps the internal conflict of what they know vs. what they feel in place for clients.

It provides the client with an alternative to how they're thinking, which is good, but it often doesn't change the feelings where they reside, which is deep in the limbic part of the brain.

EMDR Therapy Helps Achieve Breakthroughs

Experiential therapies, which use a bottom-up approach that involves the mind-body connection, like EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis and other types of experiential therapies, go to that deeper level and help to make the emotional shift that leads to emotional breakthroughs.

Skilled EMDR therapists also know how to work in a way where clients feel emotionally safe, which is important for clients who have experienced trauma.

I'll discuss this topic further in a future article.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people live their whole lives blaming themselves for traumatic events that they could not have changed.  They live with the illusion that they could have controlled events, and this serves to keep them stuck in the memory.

For people who are stuck in this way, on an emotional level, it's as if there is no difference between "then," when the event occurred vs "now," their current life (see my article:  Overcoming Trauma With EMDR: When the Past is in the Present).

If this resonates with you, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in one of the experiential types of therapy, like EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and clinical hypnosis, among others.

Once you're no longer living as if you're still in that traumatic memory, you will be free to live a fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Making and Keeping New Year's Resolutions

As a psychotherapist and hypnotherapist in New York City, this is the time of year when I see new clients coming to therapy because they've decided to make important changes in their lives. This is the time of year when many of us take stock, think about our lives, and make New Year's resolutions about the things that we want to change about ourselves. 

Making and Keeping New Year's Resolutions

Clinical hypnosis (also known as hypnotherapy) is a safe and effective way to change old habits and create new and positive changes. Whether you want to develop better communication skills in your relationship, change old eating habits, stop smoking, or create an overall healthier lifestyle, clinical hypnosis has helped thousands of people to overcome obstacles that were keeping them from making those changes on their own.

At the beginning of the New Year when people make their New Year's resolutions, many people start with enthusiasm, motivation and determination to make the changes that they want to see in their lives. However, after a month or two, many of those same people get frustrated and discouraged when they don't see the changes happening fast enough, and they abandon their efforts. When you work with a licensed mental health professional who has advanced training in clinical hypnosis, you're able to work more deeply on the unconscious issues that keep you from making the changes that you want to make. It's not as much of a struggle as when you try to do it on your own.

If you, like many others, are at the point when you've made your New Year's resolutions and you feel determined to make those changes, here are some tips that might be helpful:

Recognize that Change is a Process:
Since change is a process that happens over time, and usually not a one-time event, recognize that making changes, especially if you're trying to do it on your own, might take longer than you think.

Focus on Changing Your Behavior:
Instead of focusing on specific results (e.g., wanting to lose a specific amount of weight by a specific date), focus on changing your behavior. So, for instance, instead of saying, "I want to lose 15 lbs. by March 1st," focus on eating healthier and more nutritious meals. When you focus on healthier eating habits, your goal will be a broader change that will be longer lasting, more holistic and more effective than planning for particular weight loss. You're also more likely to keep off any weight that you've lost when you have a broader goal.

Choose Only One or Two Changes at a Time:
If you overwhelm yourself with too many New Year's resolutions at a time, you are probably setting yourself up for failure. Choosing one or two behaviors that you would like to change is more likely to be effective. As you see positive changes in those one or two areas that you want to change, you'll feel more confident about yourself. Then, after you've consolidated your gains in these areas, you can consider other areas that you'd like to change.

Decide What You'd Like to Add to Your Life As Well:
When you decide to make a change in yourself, decide what you'd like to add to your life as well. So, for instance, if you want to stop smoking and you know that you tend to smoke when you get anxious, think about what pleasant activities you can substitute for your old smoking habit when you feel triggered by anxiety. Attending a yoga class, going to the gym, talking to a friend, learning to meditate, or some other healthy activity that you would enjoy, might be among the activities that you choose to add to your life. So, it's not just about "giving up smoking." The overall goal is to lead a healthier life, you're learning new coping skills for when you get anxious, and you're also adding healthy activities to create greater happiness in your life.

Recognize that You Might Slip Back into Old Behaviors:
This gets back to the idea that change is a process. So, it's better not to engage in all-or-nothing thinking when you're trying to make changes in your life. Recognize that you might slip back into the old behaviors that you're trying to change. Plan for these slips so that you're prepared if and when they occur. For many people, this is the time when they become frustrated and they give up on their New Year's resolutions. So, rather than berating yourself and giving up, acknowledge that you're human, you had a slip, recommit to your goal and move on.

Consider Clinical Hypnosis:
If you've tried all of the above suggestions and you find that you're still struggling to keep those New Year's resolutions that are so important to you, you might want to consider attending clinical hypnosis sessions with a licensed mental health professional who has advanced training in hypnotherapy.

Remember, there's a big difference between a lay "hypnotist" and a licensed mental health professional who is a hypnotherapist. While the "hypnotist" might know some hypnotic techniques, the licensed mental health professional who is a hypnotherapist has advanced therapeutic training and is recognized as a licensed professional in your State.

I am a licensed psychotherapist and hypnotherapist in NYC. I have helped many clients to make positive changes so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

I wish everyone a Happy and Healthy New Year.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy Blog: An Inspiring and Uplifting Film: "Nicky's Family"

I recently watched the movie, Nicky's Family, for the second time within the last year, and I enjoyed it even more the second time than the first.

Czechoslovakia:  The Country Where Over 660 Children Were Saved by Nicholas Winton

In case you haven't seen this wonderful documentary yet, I highly recommend that you see it (it's now available on Netflix and Amazon), especially if  you like inspiring and uplifting movies.

"Nicky's Family" is a documentary by Natej Minac about Nicholas Winton, currently 104 years old, who saved the lives of over 660 Jewish children in Nazi-occupied Czechoslovakia by arranging to transport them from their country to loving homes in England.

This was an immense undertaking during that time, before there were computers and before the Internet.

He met with the parents, who made the tremendous sacrifice of giving up their children, realizing that, in all likelihood, they would never see them again.  But these parents also knew that allowing Nicholas Winton to find their children new homes in England was the only way that their children would survive.

It's hard to imagine how devastatingly painful it must have been for the parents of these children to let them go--to say nothing of how frightening it had to be for these children to be transported by train to a country completely unknown to them.

These children, who now have grandchildren, would have certainly been killed in Nazi concentration camps during World War II if it were not for the dedicated work of Nicholas Winton, who worked against formidable odds to save their lives.

After the war, Mr. Winton (now Sir Winton) modestly kept quiet about his work--until his wife discovered the book that he kept with all of the names, pictures and records of the British adoptions for these children.

In 1988, he was honored on the BBC show, "That's Life," where he got to meet the people that he saved in the audience.  This is one of many poignant moments in the film.  And his modesty, so emblematic of people in the 1940s, is deeply moving and refreshing.

The documentary is narrated by Canadian journalist, Joe Schlesinger, who was also one of the children that was saved by Nicholas Winton.

A Child Today in the Czech Republic

Not only do we hear the personal stories of their lives from these individuals who were saved, we also get to meet their children and grandchildren, many of whom, inspired by Winton, have gone on to do their own devoted work for children all around the world.

We hear the word "hero" a lot these days.  Nicholas Winton is a hero in every sense of the word and deserves the recognition that he is finally getting after so many years.

This is a heart-warming true story that will lift your spirits.

About Me
I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Asking For What You Need in Therapy

Many clients who are in therapy have difficulty asking for what they need from their therapists.  This is especially true for clients who have a history of being physically or emotionally abused.  Often, because of the abuse, they're out of tune with their needs and, as a result, they might not know what they need.

Asking For What You Need in Therapy

Even the most empathically-attuned psychotherapist might miss the fact that s/he isn't working in a way that meets the client's needs, which is why it's so important that, every so often, the therapist and client reevaluate their work together.

Usually, this discussion is initiated by the therapist, but a client, who feels s/he isn't getting what s/he needs, can also initiate this conversation.

Here are some tips that may be helpful in getting what you need in therapy:

Tips on How to Get What You Need in Your Therapy:

• If your therapist doesn't take time periodically to review the work you're doing together, you can take time to reflect on your own how you're feeling about your therapist and your work and then tell your therapist that you would like to talk about this.  Most therapists will be open to this.

• Don't assume that if your needs aren't being met that it's your fault.  This is an assumption that many clients, who have been abused, make in their therapy.

• If you're unclear about the way your therapist is working, ask about it.  Your therapist should be able to give you an explanation in simple terms that you can understand.

• If you feel the work is going too fast and you're having difficulty coping between sessions, talk to your therapist about this so the two of you can come up with ways that you can cope better between sessions.  It might also mean that you spend more time processing what's going on between you.

• If you feel the work is going too slow, tell your therapist about this.  S/he will can explain the way the two of you are working together and, if needed, might make changes in the work.  Also, this can help to clarify whatever beliefs or misconceptions that either of you might have about the work.

• If you feel you and your therapist haven't developed a rapport after working together for a while, it might be that the two of you aren't a good fit.  It might also mean that, due to your history, you might have problems trusting and it might take you a while to develop a therapeutic alliance with any therapist.

• Be aware that, due to ethical boundaries, your therapist can't be your friend or have a personal relationship with you outside of your sessions, even after you complete therapy.  So, if part of what you think you need or would like is for your therapist to be your friend, this won't be possible.  At the same time, it's common for clients to develop these feelings, including sexual attractions, for their therapist (see my article:  Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference).  Even though you might be disappointed at first that you can't have a personal relationship with your therapist, a discussion about your feelings can be helpful in highlighting what you need in your life and how you can go about creating it outside of the therapy room.

Too often clients abort therapy prematurely because they feel too vulnerable or ashamed to have these kinds of discussions with their therapist (see my article:  When Clients Leave Psychotherapy Prematurely).

But, usually, even though you might not be accustomed to talking about your needs and it might take courage on your part, being able to talk about what you need helps you to develop self confidence and often helps to improve the therapy.

Also, if part of the problem is that there has been a misunderstanding or rupture between you and your therapist, there is a chance for repairing this rupture, which can create a stronger therapeutic alliance between the two of you (see my article:  Psychotherapy: Ruptures and Repairs in Therapy).

Getting Help in Therapy
Asking for help isn't easy, especially if you've spent most of your life denying your needs or being unaware of your needs.

Asking For What You Need in Therapy

Rather than continuing to ignore your emotional needs, if you're concerned about your therapy, speak to your therapist.  Even if you're feelings are vague, a skilled, empathic therapist can help you to clarify and express your feelings.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Feeling Empowered to Create a Joyful Holiday

During the holiday season, many people think about the childhood holidays they had with their families, which were disappointing.  As a adults, they look back on those times and feel sad as the holidays approach.

Usually, when clients talk about this in their therapy sessions with me, I remind them that, as children, there wasn't much they could do about miserable holidays because the adults were in charge.  But now, as adults, they have the power to create their own joyful holidays and their own traditions.  They're no longer dependent upon the adults to create the holiday occasion.  They can now use their own creativity to create the holiday they want.

Feeling Empowered to Create a Joyful Holiday

If spending time with your family of origin during the holidays is difficult, why not create your own holiday traditions with your family of choice--possibly, your significant other and your friends?

Developing your own holiday traditions and rituals can be fun as you use your imagination and creativity to have the kind of holiday that you desire.

I know people who consider their new holiday traditions with their spouses and friends to be their "real holiday" as opposed to their visits with their families.  Exchanging gifts, Christmas tree trimming, or Christmas caroling in their neighborhoods are among the traditions that they've incorporated with the people that they enjoy being with on the holidays.

Of course, there are many people who enjoy being with their families.  Not everyone had disappointing holidays.  But if you're someone who dreads the holidays because it brings up sad memories, remember that you're now empowered, as an adult, to create the kind of holiday that you want.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


photo credit: andrihilary via photopin cc

Holiday Time With Your Family: Balancing Your Expectations

We often get disappointed when we have expectations from our loved ones, especially around the holidays, about what we want and they might not want.  More often than not, if we try to impose our expectations on our loved ones, it's a recipe for disappointment and resentment.  Sometimes, we need to temper our expectations to be more flexible, recognizing that we can't change other people to make them do what we want them to do.

Holiday Time:  Can You and Your Loved Ones Balance Your Expectations?

New York Times Modern Love Article:  "A Holiday Built on Presence, Not Presents"
An article by Carolyn S. Briggs in yesterday's New York Times' Modern Love column caught my attention called "A Holiday Built on Presence, Not Presents" (a link to this article is provided at the end of this blog post).  She describes how she was disappointed last year when her adult children had a very different view of the Christmas holiday than she did.  Whereas she wanted a more traditional Christmas holiday, her children felt it was more of a "consumerist sham" of a holiday.

Ms. Briggs says she had hoped that they would all fill their Christmas stockings with messages of love and appreciation for each other, but her children weren't interested in this, which was very disappointing to her.

Ms. Briggs  also discusses how she was disappointed when she was younger during the time when her parents were divorcing.  She says that she and her brother pooled their money and bought and decorated their own tree because there was no tree that year.  In hindsight, she says she doesn't want to guilt her children into doing what they don't want to do on Christmas.  She has changed her expectations of what Christmas will be like with her family this year.

It's not unusual for adults to want to make up for what they didn't get as children.  There's something very sad about two children having to provide their own Christmas tree because the adults are preoccupied with their own problems.   Yet, we can't expect that, as adults, we'll always be able to make up for what we didn't get as children, especially when the experience involves other people, who might not want to go along with it now.

As I read Ms. Briggs' article, I couldn't help thinking about when I was a young adult and I had similar ideas to her children.

Coming from a very traditional family, when I was in my late teens and early 20s, I rebelled against these traditions and also felt that Christmas was all about consumerism.

But, as I was reading this article, I realized that my feelings have changed since then and I can now appreciate the holiday spirit.  I'm not cynical about the holidays, the way I used to be when I was a young adult.  My feeling is that, regardless of the consumerism, we can make the holiday whatever we want it to be.  We're not at the mercy of consumerism.

Reading this article, I looked back on myself as a young adult and thought about the times that I  must have disappointed my family when I didn't want to go along with tradition.  As I read the article, I could see both sides--Ms. Briggs' disappointment last year and her children's resistance.

As a therapist, I know that late teens and early 20s is an important time for young adults to develop their own ideas and become separate individuals from their families.  Seeing it from that vantage point, one could see why they wouldn't acquiesce to her wishes.

And yet, as someone who is a middle-aged woman now, I couldn't help wishing that Ms. Briggs' adult children had cooperated a little more--not because they believed in these Christmas traditions, but because they knew how important it was to her.

Is There a Way to Balance Our Own and Our Loved Ones' Expectations?
Could there have been some compromise?  I don't know.  Reasonable people could disagree.   This isn't a black and white issue.

But maybe the view that there might have been a compromise comes with age and life experience.  I couldn't have taken this view when I was younger.

When you're  a young adult, you're struggling to establish your own autonomy, which sometimes means having different feelings and opinions from your family.   When you're older and you're on your own, you have less to prove, and I think you can afford emotionally to be more generous.

In the end, I think Ms. Briggs came to the right conclusion--that even if your family doesn't experience the holiday in the same way that you would like as a parent, the most important thing is that you're together.

Wishing Everyone a Happy and Healthy Holiday.

I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me

A Holiday Built on Presence, Not Presents
By Carolyn S. Briggs - 12/23/12 - NY Times - Modern Love

Making Changes: The Need For Emotional Connection and a Sense of Belonging

I'm continuing my earlier discussion about the psychological aspects of Elena Ferrante's Neapolitan trilogy, which I started with Part 1 and Part 2 of this topic.  I will continue to focus on Ms Ferrante's first two books in her trilogy, My Brilliant Friend and The Story of a New Name.   In  this article, I'll discuss the topic, developing a sense of belonging.

Developing a Sense of Belonging

Making Changes
As I did in my two prior articles, I'm using the character, Elena Greco, from Ms. Ferrante's novels to illustrate how change, which includes developing your sense of self as a separate person from family and friends, can be challenging and how this challenge can be overcome.

As I mentioned in my prior articles, Elena Greco, through her determination and hard work and with the help of a teacher, was able to transcend her circumstances in a poor town on the outskirts of Naples to fulfill her dream of becoming educated with a much brighter future than she ever could have had if she followed in the footsteps of her parents.

At the same time, as anyone who has made similar changes knows, it's hard to let go of a way of life that has been part of your family for many generations.  It's even harder to feel that, with your education and broader horizons, your family and old friends might see you as being "different" now--even if they still love you and want you to succeed.

Many clients, who come to see me in my psychotherapy private practice, who are first-generation American, express how torn they feel emotionally between following their parents'  customs and rituals that have been part of the family for generations and adopting the customs of their new country.  

Some people, who have struggled with this emotional dilemma, learn, over time, to strike a balance between familial customs and new customs.

Others, who find it too difficult, might take an all-or-nothing attitude by either leaving behind all the traditional customs in order to blend in and feel that they belong in their new country, or by resisting all new customs.

Most of the time, it's almost impossible for people not to feel the pull of the traditional culture as well as the new culture.

The character, Elena Greco, who remained in her country, but who might as well have gone to a different country because of the changes involved in moving from a poor town near Naples and going to college in Pisa, is acutely aware of her family's and friends' mixed reactions to her.  She's also aware that she doesn't feel like she belongs in her new surroundings.

A Sense of Belonging is a Basic Human Need
A sense of belonging is a basic human need.

Developing a Sense of Belonging:  A Sense of Belonging is a Basic Human Need

From the time that we're born, we're hardwired for attachment to our primary caregivers and without them, we can't survive.

Similarly, from the days of cave men and cave women and beyond, survival depended upon belonging to a tribe.  No one could go it alone and survive.  During those times, being banished from the tribe meant death.

Although most of us don't live in small tribes anymore, we still have a basic need to belong, whether it's a need to be part of a family, a group or a community with shared values.

Getting back to Ms. Ferrante's character, Elena Greco:  Her story illustrates how painful it can be to make the transition and straddle between two different cultures.  Her story is also emblematic of the experiences of anyone who has made this kind of change.

At first, she was ashamed because she felt inferior to the classmates she met in Pisa.  She was mostly aware of how different she was from them, and she felt she didn't belong there.

Similarly, initially, many people who go through this transition are painfully aware of how different they are from the new group that they are entering into, whether, as in Elena's case, it's a difference of socioeconomic status, language, dress or other customs.  

Whether you're a college student in a new city or someone who has moved to another part of the country or the world, initially, you might feel uncomfortable because you feel like you don't belong.

But many people in this situation discover that they have much more common with people from the new group than they initially realized.  So, while you might be very aware of how you and others are different, it's just as important to realize that you probably have a lot in common too.

Developing a Sense of Belonging:

• Look for and Accept Opportunities For Connection:  Before you get to know people, you might make certain negative assumptions about them.  But you might be pleasantly surprised to discover that your assumptions aren't correct when you take the time to get to know people.  If there are opportunities to connect, accept them, keep an open mind, and get to know others.

• Get to Know People as Individuals:  It's not unusual, at first, to see people who are part of another group as being all the same.  But, in reality, we are all individuals, so it's important, to get to know each person as an individual rather than making assumptions about them because they're part of a particular group.

• Discover Common Values:  Common values can create bonds.  While you might not share the same exact values, looking for some common values can be a start towards developing a sense of belonging.  So, for instance, even though you might be from a different religion, you and the new people that you're meeting might share a wish for there to be peace regardless of religion. This can be a powerful bond.  Or, for instance, you might discover that others have had similar losses and a similar understanding of what it means to cope with loss and emotional pain.  This can also serve as a powerful bond.

• Strive to Be Non-judgmental:  Acceptance is different from agreement.  You might not agree with everything about the new group but, in most instances, you can learn to be nonjudgmental.  This doesn't mean that you take on values that you might not believe in or that you're not discerning about what's best for you.  It does, however, mean that you don't automatically judge someone as unacceptable because you and s/he might have different views.  

Getting Help in Therapy

Sometimes, unfamiliar people and places can be overwhelming, even when you've tried to get to know them and discover commonalities.  You might feel lonely or depressed because you feel like an outsider.

Developing a Sense of Belonging:  Getting Help in Therapy

You're not alone.  Many people before you have struggled with the same problem and have learned to overcome it.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience working with people in this type of situation.

Getting Help in Therapy to Develop a Sense of Belonging

Getting help in therapy can make all the difference between feeling like an outside and developing a sense of belonging.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.