Is Your Relationship Damaging Your Self Esteem? Part 1

At the beginning of any relationship, it's not unusual to have doubts about the relationship.  But if, over time, you continue to have doubts about whether your relationship is affecting your sense of self, you would be wise to ask yourself: "Is my relationship damaging my self esteem?"

The Myth that Heartbreak Is Inevitable in Relationships
In our culture, we see so many movies, TV programs and hear so many songs that give the message that heartbreak is an inevitable part of relationships.  But, while this might make for compelling songs and drama, the experience of continual emotional pain isn't the basis for a healthy relationship.  And if you're in a relationship where your self esteem is taking a hit, it's time to take a closer look at your relationship and its effect on you.

Answering the Question:  "Is my relationship damaging my self esteem?"
When I work with clients who come to therapy because they're not sure if they should remain in their relationship or not because they're experiencing a lot of emotional pain, I usually ask them how they feel about themselves in the relationship.

Is Your Relationship Damaging Your Self Esteem?

Often, people will respond by telling me how much they love their partner, and they know that their partner loves them.  At that point, I ask them again to think about how their sense of self has been affected by the relationship.

At that point, it's not surprising to hear, in many cases, that their self esteem has been eroded by the relationship because of the emotional pain that they've endured.  Having admitted that, many clients will go on to say, "But I know that he (or she) doesn't mean to hurt me."

But realizing that your experiences in your relationship diminish your sense of self is often a powerful sign that this might not be the relationship for you.

Let's take a look at the following fictionalized vignette:

Ann and Ted:
During the first few months of their relationship, Ted felt that he and Ann were meant for each other.  They were hardly ever apart.

But things changed quite a bit about six months into the relationship after Ted's mother, who was a widow, developed a chronic illness.   Ted and his sister were spending a few hours each weekend helping his mother with grocery shopping and chores around the house.  Ann resented this.  She complained bitterly that Ted was less available to go away on weekends.

Is Your Relationship Damaging Your Self Esteem?
Ann and Ted Began Having Problems After Ann Became Critical of Ted and Refused to Hear Him Out

About once a month, Ted arranged for other family members to help his mother so he and Ann could get away.  But Ann still resented that he wasn't as free as he was before.  She criticized him, called him "a mama's boy" and made other derogatory remarks.

Ted understood Ann's disappointment, but he also felt annoyed that Ann wasn't being more understanding.  Her derogatory remarks were also hurtful to Ted.  It also bothered him that she refused to listen to him when he tried to explain why he had to help his mother.

His worry about his mother and the emotional pain he felt due to Ann's resentment and critical remarks brought Ted into therapy.  He felt like the weight of the world was on his shoulders.

As we explored Ted's issues, it became increasingly evident that Ann's put downs were eroding Ted's self esteem.  Even after his mother got better and he didn't have to spend as much time helping her over the weekend, Ann continued to be scornful of him.  She also made disparaging remarks about his sister and other family members.

Even after his mother was better and no longer required help, Ted knew that she was getting older and would probably require more help from him and his sister in a few years.  It bothered him that Ann would be so unempathic, and he wondered what this would mean for their relationship in the long run.

Over time, Ted came to the conclusion that Ann was being selfish.  He asked himself if he could have done anything differently and he came to the conclusion that, for the most part, he couldn't.  Neither he nor his family could afford to hire someone to help his mother, so the responsibility fell to his sister and to him.

Ted tried to work things out with Ann, but she continued to be critical and dismissive of him.  At that point, he realized that he didn't want to be with someone who lacked empathy and had such a damaging effect on his self esteem so, with a heavy heart, he ended the relationship.

Are You in a Relationship That Is Damaging Your Self Esteem?
In my next blog post, I'll provide tips with how to deal with this issue.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your partner have tried, without success, to work out the issues in your relationship that have been damaging to your self esteem, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise to help you work on this issue.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many individuals and couples to work on self esteem issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Is Your Relationship Damaging Your Self Esteem - Part 2

Falling In Love With Love: Have You Rushed Into a Relationship Too Quickly?

One of the main reasons why people often feel disappointed in love is that they've rushed into a relationship before they really knew their partner.  This is often called "falling in love with love" (see my article:  Dating vs Being in a Relationship).

Falling In Love With Love

Early on, before you know the other person, you might be tempted to "fill in the blanks" with romantic fantasies about who this person is before you've taken the time to get to know him or her, especially when there's a strong sexual attraction or when you've missed being in a relationship for a while.

These romantic fantasies are often unconscious, so you might not even realize that you're creating "castles in the sky" until you're hit with a reality that's completely different from your fantasy.

At that point, rather than coming to grips with the fact that they've created this fantasy in their mind, many people feel disillusioned.

There's no doubt that, in addition to fantasies, potential romantic partners sometimes present themselves as being different from who they really are.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed:

Mary
When Mary met Bill, she had been very lonely for a while.  She had been out of her prior relationship with her fiancé, John, for two years.

Mary and John, had been together for several years, starting in their senior year of college, and they planned to get married.  But, several weeks before the wedding, John ended the relationship abruptly, telling Mary that he wasn't ready to get married.  Mary was devastated.

A year after the breakup, Mary decided, somewhat reluctantly, to start dating again.  She dated many men that she met online, but her experiences were mostly disappointing, and she began to worry that he might not meet anyone else that she liked.

Then, Mary met Bill at a friend's party, and they hit it off immediately.  From the evening they met, they spent most of their time together.  After a couple of months, Mary began fantasizing about getting married to Bill, who was so handsome and charming.  She couldn't believe how happy she felt, especially after she spent so much time feeling lonely and disappointed after the breakup with John.

So, two months after they met, when Bill told her that his lease would be up soon and he suggested that they move in together, Mary was delighted to invite Bill to move into her apartment.   Mary's best friend told Mary that she thought it was too soon to move in together.  But Mary was sure that it felt right, so she helped Bill to move in with her a few weeks later.

At first, Mary and Bill were thrilled to be living together.  Mary was convinced, at that point, that they would probably get married within the next year or so.

But after a few weeks, Mary noticed something that concerned her.  She began to see Bill's mail from collection agencies.  When she asked him about it, he brushed it off at first.  But when Mary persisted, Bill admitted that he owed over $100,000 in credit card debt, and he also owed the IRS another $25,000 in unpaid taxes.  Then, he admitted to her that he expected to have his paycheck garnished and he wouldn't be able to pay his half of the rent.

Mary was shocked, angry and deeply disappointed that Bill had never mentioned this to her before.  It was obvious that he knew about the upcoming garnishments before he moved in with her, and he also knew that he wouldn't be able to contribute to the rent.  But he didn't bother to tell her.  She also felt manipulated.

When Mary demanded to know why Bill didn't tell her beforehand about his financial problems, Bill told her that she was being insensitive to his needs.  From his perspective, he was under a lot of stress and Mary was making it even more stressful for him by making demands of him.  He told her to get off his back.

Mary couldn't believe that Bill, who, until recently, had been so kind and loving towards her was now treating her in this way.  She kept thinking to herself, "Who is this man?" and "How can this be the same person that I fell in love with?"

After that, Mary felt herself slipping into a depression.  She and Bill co-existed in the same apartment, but they barely spoke to one another.  When she tried to talk to Bill, he ignored her.  She knew he was avoiding her.  He stayed out late at night and he was hardly around on the weekend.

Mary wondered whether he had started seeing someone new.  So, one night when he wasn't around, she checked his email and found explicit, sexually charged emails, including photos, between Bill and an older woman.  Mary realized that Bill and this other woman were having a sexual affair.

As Mary continued to read the emails between Bill and this other woman, she began to feel dizzy.  She discovered that this woman was encouraging Bill to move in with her.  This woman also offered to take care of Bill's financial problems.

When Mary confronted Bill about the emails, he told her that he didn't love her any more, and he planned to move in with the other woman.  He didn't apologize or allow for any discussion.  Within a few days, he was gone.

After that, Mary began therapy to try to pick up the pieces of her life and to try to understand why she had such a hard time with her past two relationships.

As Mary began working through these issues in therapy, she realized that, even though they had dated for a few years, there had been "red flags" all along about John that she ignored. She also realized that she had never worked through her grief about this breakup.  Her unresolved grief and disappointment about her relationship with John helped to fuel her romantic fantasies about Bill, whom she didn't really know well before she got into a relationship with him.

Although the work was difficult at times, Mary learned to take her time to date men before she rushed into defining their status as being "in a relationship."

She learned to tolerate the ambiguity and doubt that comes with the early stages of dating until she could really get to know someone.

After dating the next man, that she liked, Vince, for a year, she and he agreed that they wanted to take things to the next level, a monogamous relationship.  Then, once again, she took her time to get to know Vince, making sure that she didn't ignore any potential "red flags," she and Vince moved in together after another year.  At that point, Mary and Vince had a happy, stable relationship.

Getting to Know Someone Before You Rush Into a Relationship
In life, none of us can avoid getting our feelings hurt or experiencing disappointment.  This is, unfortunately, a part of life.

But no one wants to go through the type of heartbreak that Mary went through in the fictionalized vignette above.

With self awareness and a degree of forethought, you can avoiding rushing into a relationship before you know the other person.

No doubt, there will be things that you'll learn about him or her after you've moved in together or gotten married.  But, hopefully, they won't be the kind of relationship-destroying things that Mary discovered after she really got to know Bill.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have a tendency to get romantically involved too quickly, only to be heartbroken afterwards, you might have underlying issues that make getting involved too quickly so compelling for you.

If you've tried on your own, without success, to work through these issues, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has expertise in this area.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people with unresolved trauma and relationship issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:
Relationships: Are You In Love With Him or Your Fantasy of Him?
Is It Love or Infatuation?
Fear of Falling In Love and Getting Hurt Again
Overcoming Your Emotional Blind Spots
Relationships: Confusing Sexual Attraction and Love
Falling In Love With "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again
Relationships: I'll Change Him (or Her) After We Get Married

Workplace: Being Around Negative Coworkers Can Have a Negative Impact on Your Mood

Spending time around coworkers who are habitually negative can have a negative impact on your mood and you might not even realize it.  It's very easy to start resonating with the negative mood of the people around you.  

Workplace: Negative Coworkers Can Have a Negative Impact on Your Mood

The opposite is also true:  When you're around coworkers who tend to be positive, it can be uplifting.

Being around negative people at work can be draining.  This is a common problem in the workplace and in life in general.

Recognize the Difference Between Someone Who is a Chronic Complainer and Someone Who Needs Support in Particular Situations
I want to emphasize that there will be times when your coworkers (or you) will need emotional support for work-related issues. So, it's important to be able to distinguish between a coworker who habitually complains and is negative and someone who needs support in a particular situation.  When you first meet a coworker, you might not be able to tell the difference at first.


If you work full time, you probably spend a lot of time around your coworkers, and you don't want to be aloof or standoffish.  After all, maintaining good working relationships is important on any job and can make your work life a lot smoother.

Showing empathy and compassion for someone who is going through a rough patch can help you to form bonds with your coworkers.

Negative Coworkers Tend to Be Negative Most of the Time
When I refer to negative coworkers, I'm not referring to people who happen to be going through a difficult time.  I'm referring to people who tend to be negative most of the time because this is how they are, regardless of the circumstances at work or in their personal lives.


While it's important to be empathetic and compassionate, if you find that being supportive of people who are habitually negative has no effect--in other words, no matter what you do or suggest, they remain negative, you need to take care of yourself.

You might not be able to completely avoid negative coworkers, but if you've tried to be supportive, but your coworker has a habit of complaining without taking constructive action to change things, you can try to some of the tips I've outlined below.

Tips for Dealing With Habitually Negative Coworkers
The following suggestions are general tips for dealing with negative coworkers.  Every situation will be different, so you'll have to use your own judgment as to whether these suggestions will work for you in your particular situation:

Try to Change the Subject
Rather than engaging in the negativity, if you've tried to be supportive and your coworker continues to be habitually negative, try changing the subject.

Stay Away From Certain Topics
People who tend to be negative are often triggered by certain topics, like a difficult boss or a new company policy that's unpopular among employees.  So, try to stay away from these topics and talk about neutral topics, like hobbies, the movies and other forms of light conversation that are neutral.

Set Limits and Limit Contact With Your Coworker Who Is Negative
You don't have to spend endless time talking to a coworker who is negative and sapping your energy.  You can find ways, like "remembering" that you have an important phone call to make or an assignment that you need to complete, to end a conversation with a negative coworker.  If possible, try to limit your contact with this coworker.

Don't Add "Fuel to the Fire"
It can be very tempting to jump right in and engage in your own complaints.  But, even if you have legitimate complaints, it's best not to add more "fuel to the fire" with someone who is a habitual complainer.

For one thing, you might find your complaint to be the focus of office gossip as this person uses your problem to continue to expound his or her own negativity in the office.  If this happens, it could get back to your boss and will put you in a negative light, at best, or get you fired, at worst.

If you're stuck in a situation where you can't get away, for whatever reason, it's better to respond with neutral comments if you feel compelled to respond.

Don't Take Your Coworker's Comments Personally
People who are habitually negative often don't realize that they're being insensitive or tactless.  At some point, you might find yourself on the receiving end of your negative coworker's comments.  The important thing is not to take it personally.  Recognize that this person might have poor interpersonal skills, and let it go at that.

Use the "Bubble Technique"
There will be times when you won't be able to avoid negative coworkers.  It's also possible that you work in an environment that, overall, tends to be negative with many dissatisfied and complaining coworkers.

If you can't find a way to take constructive action to change the things that you and coworkers might not like, until you can make a change, rather than resonating with a negative environment, you can use your imagination to practice the "bubble technique" where you picture yourself surrounded by a protective see-through bubble.

Many of my therapy clients have found this to be effective, especially if they don't have offices where they can close the door to take some time for themselves or if they work in a cubicle.

To use the "bubble technique," you use your imagination to feel as if there's a clear bubble around you that doesn't allow the negativity that's floating around the office to get to you.

Although this might sound a little "woo-woo" at first, after people get good at imagining this bubble, they feel a sense of relief to be able to delineate a space between themselves and others in the negative environment.

The Importance of Self Care 
It's important to be able to take care of yourself around coworkers who are habitually negative so you don't become physically and emotionally depleted by them.

Aside from the "bubble technique" that I mentioned above, many therapy clients, who tell me that they have negative coworkers at their workplace, have found other creative and effective ways of taking care of themselves.

Some of them, who work in places where it's permissible, wear headphones at times to listen to relaxing music and to make themselves less available when they know that a particularly negative coworker is around.

Finding your own way of coping with negative coworkers will allow you to focus on your work and your own personal and professional development.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many clients to overcome personal and professional obstacles so they can lead fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Keep Small Arguments From Developing Into Big Conflicts in Your Relationship

As a psychotherapist in New York City who works with individual adults and couples, one of the most common dynamics I see in people who are married or in committed relationship is that small arguments often escalate into bigger conflicts because one or both people have problems communicating without "adding fuel to the fire." 

This often results in verbal abuse (see my article: Relationships: When Expressing Your Feelings Turns Into Verbal Abuse).

Keeping Small Arguments From Becoming Big Conflicts

It can be a real challenge to maintain your cool and be your "best self" when your spouse or partner is critical or yelling at you.  Your first instinct might be to retaliate and respond by hurling back criticism. 

This often leads more accusations from your spouse.  As the argument escalates, it often gets completely off the original topic and it can result in  into accusations that are increasingly hurtful.

This dynamic can become an entrenched part of the relationship and, over time, it can erode the positive feelings that you feel for each other.  It's not unusual for couples, who don't know how to stop engaging in this destructive pattern of communication, to end their relationship.

Let's take a look at a vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to preserve confidentiality, that illustrates how a couple learned to overcome this destructive dynamic:

Mary and Ned:
By the time Mary and Ned came to couples counseling, they could barely be in the same room together without getting into an argument that spiraled down into critical accusations and counter accusations.

They had been living together for 10 years.  They both agreed that, after the first few years, their relationship had become contentious with frequent arguments.  Often, small arguments that started out as bickering escalated into big arguments.

At the point when they came to couples counseling, Mary wanted to break up, but Ned wanted to make one last effort to save their relationship.  He was the one who persuaded Mary, who was skeptical of therapy, to try couples counseling before they called it quits.

As they each recounted their early days in the relationship, it was apparent that they both had fond memories of their early days together.  Talking about these early days and how in love they were at the time brought them closer together both physically and emotionally in the session.

Whereas they began the session with each of them sitting at either end of my couch, they moved in closer to each other as each one of them talked about what s/he liked about the other when they first met.

Ned said that he still loved Mary and, despite their problems, he felt they could salvage their relationship if they could stop the arguing so much.

After talking about all the things that attracted her to Ned when they first met, qualities that she felt he still possessed and that she admired, Mary conceded that, underneath her anger and hurt, she loved Ned. She just felt hopeless that they could ever resolve their problems.  But she was willing to try before they broke up.

Considering how serious their problems were, it was a hopeful sign that Mary and Ned were each able to see positive attributes in the other and still loved each other, even if that love was buried under a lot of hurt, disappointment and anger.

Over time in couples counseling, they were each surprised that they had adopted one or both of their parents way of arguing.

Mary recognized her pattern as similar to her mother's, where her mother would relentlessly badger the father to try to get him to do things around the house.


She saw that, after feeling frustrated with Ned, she would become angry and shrill, especially when Ned ignored her.

Ned recognized his pattern of "stonewalling" Mary as the same way his father often responded to his mother (see Relationships: Are You a Stonewaller?).  It was his way of "zoning out" and ignoring Mary when he felt fed up.

He admitted that he often got pleasure, initially, from seeing Mary lose her temper.  But, after a while, Ned couldn't stand it any more, and he would lose his temper and accuse Mary of being "a bitch."

Then, Mary would respond by cursing back at him.  And, after that, they were in a full blown argument with both of them yelling and cursing at one another.

As Mary and Ned each recounted their own behavior, they both looked embarrassed and remorseful.  They each acknowledged their own part in these arguments, but they didn't know how to stop.

Working on changing their communication wasn't easy.  Their pattern was deeply entrenched.  We did a lot of role plays about the issues that they typically argued about, and we also looked at the underlying issues that were the basis for many of their arguments.

I gave them assignments to practice at home, including:

• keeping individual journals to express their feelings (see my article: Journal Writing Can Relieve Stress and Anxiety)
• asking for they wanted from each other without resorting to name calling and power struggles (see my article: Relationships: Overcoming Power Struggles).
• learning to listen to each other in a respectful way
• learning to negotiate compromises
• taking "time out" when one or both of them felt an argument was beginning to escalate out of control
• setting aside time each week to talk to each other about matters that were important to each of them
• finding ways to renew the enjoyment they used to feel with one another

As is often the case, progress wasn't linear.  There were many instances of one step forward and two steps back.  But, after a few weeks in couples counseling, they were both motivated--even Mary, who was initially skeptical about counseling--to work on their relationship.  And, this motivation carried them through the challenging times.

After a few months, Mary and Ned saw progress.  They each reported that, even during times when they both felt tempted to resort to yelling and name calling, they each maintained their overarching goal to prevent small arguments from developing into big conflicts.

They still argued from time to time, as most couples do but, for the most part, these arguments rarely escalated into big arguments.

Getting Help in Therapy
Communication problems are common in relationships.

If you and your spouse or partner have been unable to change a destructive communication pattern in your relationship, you could benefit from working with a licensed therapist who has expertise in helping couples to change this dynamic.

As is true for most problems, it's easier to change early on before a pattern becomes an entrenched part of a relationship.  So, if you would like to salvage your relationship, don't wait to get help.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Relationships: Improving Communication

You and Your Spouse Disagree About Your Adult Child's Substance Abuse Problem - Part 2

In my prior blog article, You and Your Spouse Disagree About Your Child's Substance Abuse Problem - Part 1, I gave a composite vignette of a family struggling with an adult child who moved back home and who has a substance abuse problem.

As often happens, the parents in this family disagree about how to handle their son's problem.  The mother wants their son to get help, but the father thinks the son is just going through a phase.  The problem drives a wedge between them. And their son, who moved back home, uses their conflict to his advantage by going to his father whenever he feels the mother is being too hard on him.

This vignette is a common problem in families and can create increasing conflict and havoc in the household.

You and Your Spouse Disagree About Your Adult Child's Substance Abuse Problem

Of course, every situation is different, so one blog article can't address every issue.

Above all, if your family is having a similar problem and you and your spouse just can't come to an agreement about how to handle it, you should seek out a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in dealing with substance abuse problems.

Here's what I would recommend to Dan and Marie Smith (from the vignette in the prior blog post):

You Can't Ignore Your Child's Problem Drinking Anymore:
The best strategy would have been to discuss what to do before Matt moved back home.  It would have given both of you a chance to get your feelings out in the open with each other and, hopefully, come to a compromise, if possible.  Then, you both could have presented your conditions for allowing Matt to move back home together with one voice.

But since Matt was allowed to move back home without any conditions or guidelines, at this point, now that it has become obvious that he has a drinking problem, you can't ignore it anymore or pretend that it's just a phase.

Based on the fact that 1) Matt lost his job (at least in part due to his excessive absenteeism, which could be telltale sign of excessive drinking) and that 2) you found lots of empty beer bottles hidden in his closet, you can't ignore the problem anymore.

As His Parents, You Need to Provide a United Front to Matt When You Talk to Him About His Drinking
Until now, Matt has been allowed to manipulate the situation at home because the two of you can't agree on what to do and you're arguing about it.

Naturally, Matt has been turning to his father, Dan, who is siding with him.  To this, I would say, "Dan, you're in denial about your son's problems and, even though I know you love Matt and want the best for him, what you're actually doing is enabling him to drink by minimizing the problem and giving him money which he's using to buy alcohol."

To Marie, I would say, "You picked up pretty quickly that there was something else going on that Matt wasn't telling you.  It's understandable, given your childhood history with a father who was an active alcoholic at the time, that you would be upset to discover that Matt is drinking excessively.  But it's important to remember, in order to preserve your well-being, that although it feels similar to what you experienced as a child, you're an adult now and you have a greater capacity to cope and a lot more options than when you were a child.  At some point, after this crisis, it would be helpful for you to work through that earlier trauma in therapy because might be getting triggered in this situation."

But, for now, it's important that you listen to each other and come up with a compromise that you can both live with and then present it to Matt as a united front.

It's important not to be judgmental or harsh when you talk to Matt.  He has a problem and he needs help.  Be empathetic but also clear and firm about your expectations.

It's also important for you to be supportive of one another throughout this process.

Setting Boundaries and Rules For Your Household
Your son is an adult who is living in your household and you have the right to set rules if he wants to continue to live there.  He doesn't have to like your rules, but he needs to follow them.  Decide beforehand what the consequences will be if he doesn't follow your rules.

Doing an Intervention and Alcoholics Anonymous
If talking to Matt isn't enough, the family could benefit from doing an intervention.  In this particular case, there are a couple of routes you could go.

One possibility is that you could hire a professional to do an intervention with the family, although this tends to be costly and, in most cases, your insurance won't pay for it.

Another possibility, in this particular case, involves Marie's father, who is in recovery and has been sober for many years.  He could talk to Matt about his experience of being a person who actively abused alcohol in the past, how he got sober, and what he's doing to maintain his sobriety.

Marie's Father, Who is in Recovery and Sober For Many Years, Could Speak With Matt

He could also take Matt to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting (click on link for a list of meetings in your area).

Going to Al-Anon
Alcoholism is a family disease because it affects the whole family--not just the person who is drinking.  Al-Anon is a wonderful resource for families (click on link for meeting list).  These 12 Step meetings are free and, although no one will give you advice on what you can do for your particular problem, you'll hear many people, who were once in your shoes, speak about what has worked for them. Al-Anon will help you take care of yourself.

Going to Couples Counseling With a Licensed Mental Health Professional Who Has Expertise Helping Families With Substance Abuse Problems
If you're stuck because either you can't come up with a compromise that you can each live with or you come up against another obstacle along the way that you're unable to surmount as a couple, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has expertise helping families with substance abuse problems.

When you're dealing with a child who has substance abuse problems, especially if s/he is living at home, you can feel like your whole world has been turned upside down.

Sometimes, the most challenging and painful outcome is that your adult child refuses to get help.  Since your child is an adult, you can can't force him to do what you want, and nagging or pleading will often make matters worse.

See my article:  When Someone You Love Rejects Your Help.

If the problem persists, it can jeopardize your relationship.  Before that happens, do what many families before you have done--get help from a licensed therapist to work through this problem.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.  I am also a certified Substance Abuse Professional.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

You and Your Spouse Disagree About Your Adult Child's Substance Abuse Problem - Part 1

One of the most difficult problems that parents can face is having an adult child who has a substance abuse problem.  It's challenging enough trying to figure out what to do, but when each parent has strong opposing feelings about it, this can divide the couple as well as the family. Then, add to this that your adult child doesn't have to abide by either of your wishes because he or she is over 18, and you can have a serious problem on your hands.

Disagreements About Your Adult Child's Substance Misuse

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates this problem:

The Smith Family:
Dan and Marie were shocked to find out that their 22 year old son, Matt, lost his job.  He told them  it was all "office politics" and he felt confident he would find another job.  But, in the meantime, he couldn't afford to keep his apartment, so he needed to move back home.  

Marie told Dan that she thought they should set down some rules with Matt before he moved back in. She wasn't sure why, but she suspected that there was more to the story about Matt getting fired than just "office politics."  But Dan brushed off her suspicions, and told her they should "leave the boy alone," let him move back home, and give him a chance to get back on his feet again.

Marie had serious reservations about this, but she decided to go along with Dan to see how things went after Matt moved back in.  So, when they saw Matt, they told him that they were there to be supportive in any way that he needed.  Matt responded by telling them that, besides "office politics," his boss overacted to Matt taking off a few days from work.

Once again, Marie's antenna went up, but Dan told her to stay calm and give Matt some space so, reluctantly, Marie bided her time.

During the first few days after Matt moved back home, he spent all day and almost all night watching TV in his old room.  He only came out to get food to bring it back to his room or to go to the store.

This didn't sit well with Marie, who was home all day. So, after three days of this, she told Dan that she thought they should talk to Matt.  But, once again, Dan brushed off her concerns and told her that she was worrying needlessly. He was sure that after a week or so, Matt would settle down and start looking for work.

After the third week of Matt keeping odd hours and not making an effort to look for work, Marie was fuming.  She felt that Dan tended to spoil their only child.

She knew that Dan was now giving Matt money, and she felt this added to the problem because there was less of an incentive for Matt to look for work.  When she confronted Dan about it, he told her she was overreacting.  He didn't see anything wrong with giving Matt money.  He was sure that Matt would start looking for work soon.

Marie told Dan that, even though she wasn't sure why she felt this way, she still had a bad feeling about  Matt losing his job.  She felt sure that Matt didn't tell them the whole story.  Dan told Marie that she was worrying needlessly.

Marie's suspicions were confirmed when she took the opportunity to go into Matt's room, when Matt was out, and found a large pile of empty beer bottles hidden in closet.  When Matt got back and he found his mother looking in his closet, he became furious.  He yelled at her for violating his privacy.  Then, he stomped out of the house, slamming the door behind him.

Marie sat down and cried.  She grew up in a household with an alcoholic father, and she remembered how miserable she felt, before her father got sober, when her father came home drunk and her parents argued.

When Dan got home from work, Marie told him what happened and showed him the pile of beer bottles in Matt's closet.  Even though Dan was shocked by the pile of empty beer bottles , he sided with their son and told Marie that she shouldn't have looked in Matt's closet.

Marie was furious and told Dan that she didn't want Matt in the house if he didn't get help for his drinking problem.  She didn't want to live with an active alcoholic again.  Dan responded by telling her that he wouldn't throw his son out of the house no matter what happened.  He felt that Matt would find his way and this was probably a temporary reaction to the job loss.

By the time Matt came home, Marie and Dan were having a loud argument.  He told his parents that he didn't really have a drinking problem.  He said he was just having a few beers to "relax" before he started looking for another job.  But nothing changed, and Matt learned to go to his father whenever he felt his mother was being too hard on him.

This drove a wedge between Marie and Dan, who were barely speaking after the first month of Matt being home.

Getting Help in Therapy
The composite vignette above is a common experience for many families who could benefit from getting help.

In my next blog article, I'll offer some tips on what families in this type of situation can do to get help.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Tips on How to Integrate Change Into Your Relationship

In my prior blog article, You're Happy About Making Progress in Therapy But, Unfortunately, Your Loved One Mights Find the Change Challenging, I discussed how even loved ones who encouraged you to make changes by going to therapy, can find it challenging once you actually start the progress that one family member makes can feel de-stabilizing to the family system.

Integrating Change in Your Relationship

Just to recap:  
In the particular example that I gave in my prior article where Bob, who had problems with alcohol, finally stops drinking, attends A.A. and begins therapy, his wife, Alice, becomes angry and defensive when Bob wants to participate more in the family decision-making process.

Bob regretted allowing Alice to take on the complete burden of financial planning and making other major decisions while he was drinking.  Now that he was sober, mentally clearer, and making positive changes in his therapy, he felt he wanted to be an equal partner in his relationship with Alice.

Alice felt that she made the major decisions in their marriage for the 25 years that Bob was drinking and incapable of taking on these responsibilities.  And, while she was happy that he had finally gotten sober, especially after she had pleaded with him for so long to get sober, she was uncomfortable with sharing these responsibilities with Bob.  She experienced Bob's request as criticism about how she handled things, and this made her feel angry.

Bob, who thought he was offering to be a better husband and take a load off Alice's shoulders, felt confused and annoyed.  He knew this would be a big change for both of them, but it made him feel angry that Alice had such a negative reaction, and it also made him think about drinking.

Tips on How to Implement Change in Your Relationship
Here's what I would recommend to Bob:

Getting Used to Change Takes Time:  Be Patient
If it took you a while to overcome your resistance to change (in this case, 25 years), you can imagine that it will also take your spouse time to get accustomed to changes in you and sharing power with you for decision making.

You might be ready now to transform the dynamics in your relationship quickly to try to make up for lost time, but the changes that you want to make will involve change for your spouse as well.  If she's been accustomed to handling major decisions in your relationship, she will need time to get comfortable with sharing these responsibilities with you.  And you need time to get accustomed to these changes as well.

Rebuilding Trust is a Process
You might want to make up for lost time in your relationship, but you can't go faster than your spouse wants to go.  She will need to see that you will be responsible, keep your promises, and that you're capable of being an equal partner.  It takes time to regain trust.

Rebuilding Trust Often Works Better Starting With Small Changes
In this case, it's better to build on small successes and work your way up to larger issues than to go for big changes immediately.   This will give your spouse time to see that you're ready to handle the changes you want to make.  It will also give you time to develop your skills and to feel competent as you and your spouse get used to this change.

Making Changes Can Bring Disappointments:  Progress Isn't Always Linear
Progress is often two steps forward and one step backward.  If you realize this in advance, you won't become easily discouraged when there are setbacks for you, your spouse or both of you.  You need to have a long term perspective.

Trying to Do It On Your Own Might Be Daunting:  Getting Help
People who are trying to change, either as individuals, couples or both often find it daunting to do on their own.

It can be helpful to enlist the assistance of a licensed mental health professional who has helped people to make changes and overcome certain obstacles that are bound to appear in the process.

Couples often benefit from having an objective mental health professional who has experience helping couples to negotiate the pitfalls of making changes in their relationships.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couple.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.