Creating Special Times Together to Enhance Your Relationship

In my last blog post, I wrote about the importance of "unplugging" from electronic gadgets so that you and your spouse or significant other can spend quality time together without interruptions: Relationships: The Importance of Unplugging to Spend Quality Time Together. But once you have the time without distractions, how will you spend that time so it enhances your relationship?  This is a question that many people ask, especially couples who have been in long-term relationships.

Creating Special Times Together to Enhance Your Relationship

When I work with couples in my psychotherapy practice in NYC, I usually recommend that they make sure to spend some meaningful time together each week and make it special in some way.  When you're in a new relationship and in love, this isn't a problem because every moment seems special.  It's new, exciting, passionate and fun.  But if you've been together for a long time, you need to make more of an effort to have special times together to keep the relationship alive and interesting.

Do You Remember Having Fun in Your Relationship?  
Many couples who come to see me tell me that they used to have fun together in the early years of their relationship but not any more.  There are lots of reasons for this, but one of the main reasons is that, after being together for a long time, people often take each other for granted.

When you're dating, you've got to make an effort to call, make a date, plan an activity, and get dressed.  You have the build up of anticipation before you meet. And then there's the emotional charge you feel when you get together.  But if you've been living together for 25 years, you usually don't have this build up to make things fun and exciting between you.  You've got to create special times.

Creating Special Times Together:
I knew a couple who were together, at that point, for over 25 years.  They had a big family and lots of friends who would often stop by.  But every Sunday morning they had their special time together without any distractions--no phone calls, no family or friends, no visitors.  It was strictly their time to do whatever they wanted to do.

Creating Special Times Together to Enhance Your Relationship

They might spend time in bed snuggling together, making love, reading to each other or listening to their favorite music.  Then, later in the morning, they would have their Sunday brunch at home complete with their favorite sparkling wine.  Nothing intruded on this special time they had each week.

Other couples have a date night each week where they go to one of their favorite restaurants.  Whatever  you and your spouse choose to do is up to the two of you.  It should be something that you both enjoy and that brings you closer together.

Creating Special Times Together to Enhance Your Relationship

Sometimes, you might need to experiment and be open to new ideas.  One couple I know got very creative with role playing.  For instance, they got into the roles of two people meeting each other for the first time in a bar.  It might not be your "thing" to do, but it worked for them and spiced up their sex life after a period of several years of not having sex at all.

The point is to have at least some time every week when the two of you enjoy each other's company.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: The Importance of "Unplugging" From Cellphones to Spend Quality Time Together

It's so easy to underestimate the importance of spending quality time together in your relationship.   These days it seems that so many people are working harder and longer hours, and they're so much more accessible to their work relationships and other distractions because they don't take time to "unplug" from cellphones, iPads and other gadgets--even when they're, supposedly, trying to spend quality time with their loved ones.

The Importance of "Unplugging" From Cellphones to Spend Quality Time Together

Relationships Need Nurturing

There's no substitute for spending time together, without distractions, to nurture a relationship.  Unfortunately, these electronic gadgets, which are such great conveniences in so many ways, can also become obsessive habits to the point where it's hard to "unplug" from them.

The Importance of "Unplugging" From Cellphones: Relationships Need Nurturing

A friend recently told me that her husband responded to the "ping" of his phone while they were making love.  It completely destroyed the moment for her.  Needless to say, she got angry, and in their next couples counseling session she told her husband that he needed to learn to "unplug" from his Blackberry if their marriage was going to last.

Ingrained habits are hard, but not impossible, to change
"Unplugging" from electronic gadgets doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing endeavor.  You and your spouse can come to a compromise about getting "unplugged."

I also recommend being specific.  For example, if you hate the idea of your spouse responding to a cellphone while you're at dinner, but you can live with it while you're watching a sitcom together, tell him or her this.  Then, come to an agreement about it.  Or, if it's hard to find a couple of hours together on the weekend without distractions, plan ahead for this time and agree that this is "unplugged" time away from electronic gadgets and other distractions.  Expect that this might be a "two steps forward/one step backwards" process, especially at the beginning.  Try to be flexible while keeping your goal in sight.

If you're the person who is tethered to your electronic gadgets, expect that you might go through some "withdrawal" symptoms (obviously, nothing life threatening!) as you learn to have this "unplugged" time.  There has been research that has shown that people responding to "pinging" and ringing of electronic gadgets actually get a boost in feel-good chemicals in the brain.  This is one of the reasons why it's so hard for many people to get "unplugged"--it feels good.

For more information about the feel-good, dopamine, chemical that can make getting "unplugged" so difficult, see the Psychology Today article by Susan Weinschenk, Ph.D.:
"Why We're All Addicted to Texts, Twitter and Google"

Getting Help in Therapy
If you or your spouse are unwilling to spend any time "unplugged," there might be deeper problems in your relationship.  Sometimes, spending a lot of time using electronic gadgets (or watching TV or other distractions) can be a way to avoid each other.  If you can't resolve this issue on your own, you can benefit from seeing a couples counselor who can help you and your spouse to deal with this issue.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Creating Special Times Together to Enhance Your Relationship

Overcoming Guilt with Mind-Body Psychotherapy

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I see many clients who come to therapy to overcome guilt.  

Guilty feelings can keep you feeling stuck and filled with shame.  

Overcoming Guilt

You might know logically that you have no objective reason to feel guilty but, often, that's not enough to help you overcome these feelings, which can be so debilitating.  

Feeling Like You're Not Lovable or Not Good Enough
Often, just behind the feelings of guilt, there are underlying distorted beliefs about yourself, like "I'm not good enough" or "I'm not lovable," which keep the guilt alive.  These distorted beliefs, not only affect how you feel about your past, but they also affect your life in the present.  

If you feel unlovable or unworthy, it often affects the choices that you make in your relationships, career, and other important aspects of your life.  You might choose to be with someone who is abusive because you feel so unworthy.  Feelings of low self worth can also keep you from striving to have what you want in your life.  If you have very low self worth, you might not even feel that you're entitled to want anything at all.

Regular talk therapy often doesn't help to overcome these distorted underlying beliefs that fuel the guilt.  Although you might gain insight into these beliefs, having the insight, by itself, usually doesn't change how you feel.  

You might know that the beliefs are distorted and they're a hindrance in your life but, on an emotional level, you still feel guilty.  This is one of the most frustrating parts of regular talk therapy because clients often don't understand why their thoughts and emotions are in conflict, so they ask themselves and their therapist, "If I know that there's no logical reason for me to feel guilty, why do I still feel guilty?"  

At that point, there's usually an impasse in therapy because there's no way to overcome the underlying distortions.  And, the client might leave therapy feeling inadequate for not being able to change.

I have nothing against talk therapy at all.  In fact, my original training is in psychoanalysis and psychodynamic psychotherapy.  I still use contemporary, dynamic talk therapy with many of my clients.  But, in certain cases, I know that talk therapy has its limitations.  

Mind-Body Psychotherapy
Especially in cases where a client has intractable guilt, I usually use a mind-body oriented psychotherapy, like EMDR, clinical hypnosis or Somatic Experiencing.  

Whereas talk therapy often remains on an intellectual level, mind-body oriented psychotherapy is usually more effective in resolving guilt and the underlying distorted beliefs on a visceral as well as an intellectual level.  Mind-body oriented psychotherapy allows clients to shift emotions on a deeper level.  

Aside from being more effective for overcoming guilt and trauma, mind-body oriented psychotherapy often works faster than talk therapy.  This doesn't mean that guilt and trauma are resolved in only a few sessions, but clients often see progress a lot faster than years of talk therapy.  

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients overcome guilt and trauma to lead more fulfilling lives.  

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

EMDR Self Help Book: Getting Past Your Past

Getting Past Your Past - by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D.
Francine Shapiro, Ph.D., the psychologist who developed EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), has a new book called Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life with Self-Help Techniques from EMDR Therapy.  This is an excellent book for people who want to develop better coping skills (see my articles: What is EMDR? and EMDR: When Talk Therapy is not Enough).

EMDR Self Help Book: Getting Past Your Past

EMDR for Trauma and PTSD
As you might already know, Francine Shapiro developed EMDR in the mid-1980s for people suffering with PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) and trauma.  

Since that time, EMDR has helped thousands of people all over the world to overcome trauma, including war veterans, people who have been raped or sexually abused, people who have been physically abused, and many other people who have been unable to overcome trauma in traditional talk therapy.

EMDR as Effective Treatment for Trauma
As a psychotherapist who uses EMDR with clients who have experienced trauma, I know how effective EMDR can be.  I especially like that Dr. Shapiro has written her new book, where she teaches coping skills, in an accessible way for the lay public.

When clients come to see me in my NYC psychotherapy practice, I teach clients many of these same EMDR coping strategies as part of the resourcing (i.e., developing coping skills) phase of EMDR treatment, so  I know how effective they are.

Learning EMDR Self Help Techniques
Now, with Dr. Shapiro's new self help book, people can learn to use some of these EMDR techniques on their own.  

Many of these EMDR techniques are also effective even if you're anxious or under a lot of stress and not suffering with trauma.  While using these self help techniques won't resolve trauma, they can help you to calm down and get through the day, which can be such a relief.

To find out more about EMDR, go to:  The EMDR Professional Organization.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have advanced training in EMDR and I have used EMDR successfully to help many clients overcome traumatic incidents in their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Taking Control of Your Life

One of the most challenging problems to overcome is to feel that you have little or no control over your life.  Sometimes, there are circumstances (or aspects of circumstances) over which you  have little or no control. 

Taking Control of Your Life

Being very sick, dealing with the death of a loved one or your own impending death are examples where there's little or no control.  But, often, feeling powerless is a state of mind that is learned over time.  It's an attitude that can be overcome so that you can take back control and lead a more fulfilling life.

The following is a fictionalized vignette:

Mary:
Mary grew up in a home where her father dominated the family.  As a former Marine captain, her father was used to giving orders and having them obeyed.  Mary's mother was very passive and she went along with whatever her husband wanted without questioning it. Mary never grew up with a sense of what she wanted or even that she was entitled to want anything.

Mary chose a husband who was very much like her father.  He controlled every aspect of their lives, including their money and their social life.

Mary's husband was a successful business man, so Mary never felt worried about money.  Her husband didn't want her to work, so she stayed home, where there was little for her to do.  They had a full time housekeeper, so Mary often spent her days reading or watching TV.

They had no children because Mary's husband had little patience for children.  Whenever Mary saw a mother with her baby, she felt sad.  But she didn't know why she was feeling sad, and she quickly brushed these feelings aside.

Mary loved her husband, and she knew that he loved her.  But, every so often, she was aware that she felt empty inside.  Whenever she experienced this feeling coming over her, she felt ashamed and confused.  She couldn't understand why she felt this way since her husband provided her with everything she needed.  Sometimes, she felt that she was being selfish and ungrateful when these feelings came over her.

Then, one day, after 25 years of marriage, Mary's husband had a sudden heart attack in the office and he was rushed to the hospital.  Mary rushed to the hospital, but her husband was already dead when she got there.  Mary was stunned and she went through the next few months in a kind of stupor.

The family lawyer had power of attorney made most of the important decisions.  He assured Mary that her husband left her well provided for, and she didn't need to worry about money.  But Mary felt in a constant state of panic, feeling adrift and not knowing what to do with her life.  She spent her days wandering from one room to another in her house feeling sad and overwhelmed.

After several months, Mary's friend recommended that she get professional help to overcome her feelings of powerlessness.  This was a tough decision for Mary to make.  Normally, she would ask her husband what she should do, especially before taking such a big step.  But he wasn't around to ask any more, and Mary wasn't sure what to do.  She was pretty sure that her husband wouldn't approve of her going to therapy.  He would just tell her to "buck up" and that she had no reason to feel unhappy.

Not knowing what to do, Mary went along with her friend's advice and made a consultation with a psychotherapist.  She thought it couldn't hurt to go for one visit.  But a few days before the consultation, she almost cancelled her appointment.  She picked up the phone several times to dial, but she hung up again.  Finally, on the day of the appointment, after debating it back and forth in her head, she went.

This began Mary's road to taking back control of her life, which wasn't easy.  Over time, she realized that she had been feeling emotionally numb for most of her life, and she didn't even know it.  Making even small decisions was fraught with anxiety for Mary.  Before she could tackle any major decisions, she had to first become aware of her own feelings.

Mary's therapist, who practiced mind-body oriented psychotherapy helped Mary to first become aware of her own body because Mary's emotional numbness also included a physical numbness that Mary had never been aware of before.  

Over time, Mary began to be able to identify her emotions based on what she was feeling in her body.  She started feeling alive again in a way she never felt before. At times, experiencing her emotions felt somewhat overwhelming, but Mary's therapist taught her in therapy how to bring herself back into a state of emotional equilibrium early on in their work together.

Mary began to use the emotions she felt in her body to determine what she wanted and to start to make decisions for herself.  It wasn't easy, and she would sometimes feel she wasn't entitled to even want anything for herself.  But she was able to persevere because she liked having a sense of aliveness again, no matter what the feelings were.  To feel something was so much better than to feel nothing at all.

Over time, step by step, Mary overcame the learned helplessness that had been a part of most of her life.  Rather than dreading making decisions, she began to look forward to them as ways to take back control of her life.  

She felt sad for all the years she was emotionally adrift in her life.  But she mourned that loss, along with mourning for her husband, and began to look forward.  She learned that there were some things she couldn't control, but there were many other things in her life that she could control.  As she came emotionally alive again, she felt a renewed sense of self and new self confidence.

What Causes You to Feel You Have No Control Over Your Life?
Sometimes, people feel they have no control over their lives because they've been raised under similar circumstances to Mary, and it becomes a way of life for them to have other people tell them what to do.  Other times, a string of unfortunate circumstances creates self doubt and people feel like they're like a leaf in the wind being blown around.

Taking Control of Your Life Often Begins with One Step
Whatever the circumstances, you can learn to take control of your life.  Taking back control of your life often begins with taking one step.  That first step is often a decision that you want to feel a sense of control and to reclaim your life.

Getting Help in Therapy 
If you've tried to do this on your own and haven't succeeded, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has helped other clients to gain a sense of control of their lives.   

A skilled therapist can help you to feel a sense of agency in your life and, with it, a new sense of aliveness and well being.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with adult individuals and couples.  I have helped many clients to take back control of their lives and feel a new sense of aliveness and well being.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

For a related topic, you can read my article:  How Do We Balance Our Owns Needs With Being Responsive to Our Loved Ones?

Overcoming Lack of Intimacy - Movie: "Hope Springs"

How refreshing it was to see in the movie, "Hope Springs," two older people struggling with the very real and all too common problem in long-term marriages, lack of intimacy.  

These days most movies are geared for tweens and adolescents, so it was great, for a change, to see Meryl Streep (as Kay) and Tommy Lee Jones (as Arnold) portraying a realistic, older married couple in a stagnant marriage that lacks emotional and sexual intimacy.  

Steve Carrell (as Dr. Bernie Feld) plays a credible marriage counselor who provides intensive marriage counseling to address the couple's intimacy problems.

Lack of emotional and sexual intimacy is a common problem in long-term relationships.  Understandably, many couples feel too embarrassed to talk to each other, let alone with anyone else, about their lack of intimacy.

Overcoming Lack of Intimacy in Your Relationship

Often, when couples do come to marriage counseling to overcome intimacy problems, similar to the movie, "Hope Springs," one person in the couple wants to rekindle the relationship while the other would rather sweep their problems under the rug.

Usually, for the more reluctant person, the underlying problem is fear.  Fear of rejection, fear of allowing oneself to be vulnerable, fear of appearing ridiculous, and fear of being accused of being "needy" are among the many reasons why couples often avoid talking to each other about the lack of intimacy in their relationship.  Then, of course, there are all the stereotypes about older people not being sexual or attractive.  Too often older couples buy into these stereotypes about aging, which are perpetuated in the media and all around us.

When there is a lack of intimacy over a period of time, a relationship often becomes dull and unsatisfying.  It can lead to loneliness, resentment, depression, and anxiety as the problem festers, often for years, without either person bringing it up.

Lack of intimacy can erode your sense of self if you think your spouse no longer finds you attractive.  This is a common misperception, but it persists because neither person talks about it.  There is the assumption that if you and your spouse aren't intimate any more, it must be because you're not attractive to him or her.

Lack of intimacy can also lead to infidelity where a new person can appear to be more attractive and exciting.  The allure of an affair can also provide the illusion that the person who feels trapped in a stagnant marriage will feel more exciting and desirable with the new person.

Unfortunately, lack of intimacy, can lead to divorce for marriages that might otherwise have been salvaged in couples counseling.  Even when lack of intimacy doesn't lead to divorce, couples can waste precious years in a stultifying dynamic that could have been overcome if they were willing to seek professional help.

If you're in a marriage where lack of intimacy is eroding your relationship and your sense of self, you owe it to yourself and your spouse to seek professional help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

I recommend "Hope Springs" as an entertaining and thought-provoking movie.

I welcome your thoughts about this movie as well as the topic of lack of intimacy in relationships.  Feel free to comment below.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.    
I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Creation of a "Holding Environment" in Psychotherapy

The concept of the therapeutic "holding environment" was developed in the mid-20th Century by the British psychoanalyst and pediatrician, Donald Winnicott, who was a member of the Independent Group of the British Object Relations school of thought in England. Winnicott is one of my favorite psychoanalysts and theorists because of his views about the therapeutic "holding environment."

Donald Winnicott and the "Holding Environment"
Winnicott came to psychoanalysis from a pediatric background, and his ideas were influenced by what he saw as the nurturing emotional environment that a loving mother provides to her child.  From a Winnicottian perspective, a loving mother holds her baby, both physically and emotionally, and she is attuned and attentive to the baby's needs.  Observing this, Winnicott extrapolated his ideas of how crucial it is that a psychotherapist develop a symbolic "holding environment" for psychotherapy clients.

Donald Winnicott, psychoanalyst and pediatrician, wrote books for children and adults

Most psychotherapists today would agree that the therapeutic "holding environment" is a crucial part of psychotherapy.  The "holding environment" in psychotherapy is often subtle.  To create a therapeutic "holding environment," the therapist must be compassionate and empathic to the client.  The "holding environment" starts with the therapist maintaining the therapeutic "frame" in the treatment which, in the most basic sense, means that the therapist is a reliable and consistent individual.

Playing and Reality by Donald Winnicott

By maintaining the treatment "frame," the therapist is consistently there.  She is clear about what is expected, and she maintains appropriate boundaries with the client.  Although these are basic things that most clients come to expect from a psychotherapist, for many clients who come from chaotic, dysfunctional families where parents might have been abusive and erratic, just this alone can be so healing.  For the client whose family was chaotic and dysfunctional, knowing that a skilled psychotherapist is reliable, consistent and trustworthy provides a safe place for the client to come to on a weekly basis.

A Therapist's Empathic Attunement to Clients:
Beyond maintaining the treatment "frame," the creation of a therapeutic "holding environment" also includes the therapist's empathic attunement to the client.   When a therapist is compassionate and empathic, on the most basic level, the client feels cared about by the therapist in a way that maintains appropriate boundaries between client and therapist.  This is crucial for any successful therapy.

For clients who come from families where they were abused, either physically or emotionally, it might take a while for them to be able to trust that their therapist cares about them.  After all, when you grow up in a family where you feel that your own parents don't care about you, it's hard to believe and trust that anyone else would care.  It often takes time for these clients to develop this trust in their therapists.  Most of the time, there's no substitute for time in these cases for the therapist and client to develop a therapeutic rapport.  Without a therapeutic rapport, it's hard to accomplish anything worthwhile in therapy.

For some clients, who were abused as children, being with a compassionate and empathic therapist allows them to feel safe and supported in the treatment.  They will feel, often for the first time, that someone is there who puts their needs first.  This can be a very healing experience.  This is also generally true for clients who grew up with narcissistic parents who neglected them emotionally, who were not willing or able to meet their children's emotional needs.

For clients who might not be sure how to choose a psychotherapist, I usually recommend that, beyond choosing any particular treatment modality, that clients focus on whether they feel a therapist provides an emotionally supportive environment.  This might be difficult to assess in the initial consultation when most clients feel anxious.  But, over time, most clients can discern if the therapist is emotionally attuned to them and whether it's a good therapeutic match.  I urge clients to trust their instincts about this and to continue their search for a therapist until they feel it's the right match.  

You can also read my article: "How to Choose a Therapist". 

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I also provide psychodynamic psychotherapy.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

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