Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Feeling Depressed: Part 3

This article is Part 3 of a series about overcoming guilt and shame about feeling depressed.  Part 1 and Part 2 of this series introduced the topic by discussing the symptoms and common misconceptions about major depression and how these misconceptions can create or exacerbate shame and guilt.

Overcoming Depression:  Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Feeling Depressed

Fear of Showing a Vulnerable Emotional Side Can Lead to Guilt and Shame in People Who Are Depressed

Many people who feel guilt and shame about being depressed feel that they're the only ones who feel this way.

Often this occurs because they feel too vulnerable emotionally to talk about their depression and they isolate themselves from others who could be helpful to them.  

Many people who are depressed are also painfully aware that, despite all we know these days about depression and brain chemistry, a stigma about depression and mental health problems in general still exists among certain people who aren't informed about depression.

Men who are depressed were often raised to feel that "big boys don't cry" and they need to be "strong" when they're men.  The implication is that to be considered "strong," they can't show their more emotional or vulnerable side, and they especially can't show that they're feeling depressed.

Women who are depressed, especially women who are in male-dominated professions (like law enforcement, medicine, engineering and so on) often get the message that if they want to excel in their profession, they have to "act like men," which means that, like men, they also shouldn't show their more vulnerable side and they shouldn't reveal that they're depressed.

Feeling Depressed and Alone: Social Isolation

People who feel depressed often isolate themselves from others, especially when they're at the point when they can't pretend any more to be happy around others because it's just too emotionally and physically exhausting.

Social isolation often makes people who are feeling depressed feel worse because they're not getting the  emotional support they could be getting from loved ones who could be helpful.

Social isolation can also make them feel that they're the only ones who have ever felt depressed which, of course, isn't true.

Getting Help in Therapy

Educating yourself about depression and becoming aware of the symptoms are the first steps in getting help.

If you've tried on your own to overcome depression and you haven't succeeded, continuing to feel ashamed and guilty will only make your situation worse.

It's important to seek out the help of a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome depression as soon as possible. 

A licensed mental health professional can help you to overcome depression so that you can lead a more fulfilling life.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Depression: Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Feeling Depressed - Part 2

In my prior article,  Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Feeling Depressed - Part 1, I began this discussion by discussing the most common depression that people experience.

Depression:  Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Feeling Depressed

In this article, I'm focusing on how guilt and shame about feeling depressed is often based on misconceptions about depression and how these misconceptions can get in the way of your recovering from depression.  Some of these misconceptions are popular in our Western culture.

Let's start by looking at some of the misconceptions about depression.

Misconceptions About Depression:

• If people really want to overcome depression, all they need to do is "snap out of it" to feel better.
• If people are depressed, they don't want to feel better.
• If people who are depressed just "stayed busy," they'd stop feeling depressed.
• People who are depressed aren't trying hard enough to get better.
• People who are depressed have "no reason" to be depressed.
• Other people, who have it worse, aren't depressed.
• People who are depressed have only themselves to blame for their depression.
• People who are depressed are "lazy."
• People who are depressed are "failures."
• People who say they're depressed are just trying to get attention.
• People who are depressed are self centered.
• There's no such thing as depression.  There are only people who say they're depressed and who are faking it.
• You're life is good--what do you have to be depressed about?

I'm sure you could come up with many other misconceptions about depression and people who are depressed.

The point is that these misconceptions, whether they're coming from the person who is depressed or people around him or her, serve to exacerbate the depression and often cause the person who is depressed to feel guilty and shamed.

Depression:  Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Feeling Depressed

If you're feeling depressed, blaming yourself will only make you feel worse.

Becoming aware that these ideas are misconceptions is the first step in overcoming guilt and shame about feeling depressed.

If your loved ones are the ones who are talking to you about your depression by trying to convince you about one or more of these common misconceptions, you need to take care of yourself and stop giving credence to these ideas.

Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Feeling Depressed

If you're the one who is engaging in negative self talk about your depression, be aware that you're doing the equivalent of kicking yourself while you're down.

You need to recognize these thoughts for the distorted thoughts that they are and get professional help from a licensed mental health professional.

In my next article, Part 3, I'll continue this discussion.

Getting Help in Therapy
In the meantime, if you or someone you love is suffering with depression, it's important to take it seriously and seek help from a licensed mental health professional as soon as possible.

Getting Help in Therapy

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see:  Depression: Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Feeling Depressed - Part 3

Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Feeling Depressed - Part 1

It's not unusual for people who are feeling depressed to feel guilty and ashamed about their depression, as if they're to blame for their depression and they remain depressed because they want to feel this way.

Depression:  Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Feeling Depressed

For many people, who are depressed, this is one of the most frustrating aspects of depression.

Unfortunately, these feelings are often unwittingly reinforced by well-meaning friends and family members who make tactless comments to the person who is depressed, like "Why don't you just snap out of it?" or "Why are you depressed--do you want to feel this way?" or "You don't have any reason to feel depressed" and other similar comments.

We also live in a society that is sustained by the myth that everyone, no matter what's going on with him or her, "should pull themselves up by their bootstraps" and overcome their problems on their own, and if they can't, they're "weak" (see my article:  Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

What is Depression?
At some point, anyone can feel "blue," but that's different from being depressed, so before we go any further, let's define depression.

The most common form of depression is major depression, which affects a significant percentage of the population at any given time.

The symptoms of major depressive disorder, as outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), can include five or more of the following symptoms for at least two weeks or more where at least one symptom is depressed mood or loss of interest and pleasure:

• depressed mood most of the day and nearly everyday
• a significant decrease in interests or activities that were once pleasurable
• a significant decrease in appetite and weight loss 
• insomnia or oversleeping almost every day
• agitation
• fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
• feeling worthless or excessively guilty
• feeling helpless or hopeless
• problems with concentration or indecisiveness
• recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal ideation or suicide attempt or specific plan

To be considered major depression, the source of these symptoms cannot be otherwise accounted for by a general medical condition.

Depression:  Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Feeling Depressed

In my next article, I'll continue discussing this topic.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you think you're depressed, especially if you're having thoughts about suicide, you're not alone and you should get help from a licensed mental health professional as soon as possible.

Many people who have suffered with depression have been able to recover from their depression in therapy with a licensed psychotherapist who has expertise in this area.

If you're unsure about how to go about finding a psychotherapist, see my article:  How to Choose a Psychotherapist.

Depression:  Getting Help in Therapy

If you're close to someone who is feeling depressed, you can help your loved one, who might feel too hopeless and helpless to seek help, by helping him or her to find a qualified therapist in your area (see my article: Are You Concerned About Your Husband's Depression?)

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Also, see:  Depression: Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Feeling Depressed - Part 2.

The Counterphobic Defense and Hypersexuality

In my prior article, What is the Counterphobic Response?,  I began discussing the counterphobic defense mechanism by defining it and giving some general examples of it.  In this article, I'm focusing specifically on the link between the counterphobic response and hypersexuality.

The Counterphobic Response and Hypersexuality

As I mentioned in my prior article, there are many different ways that the counterphobic defense mechanism manifests.

It's easier to understand the counterphobic response and denial involved in situations where people, who are fearful, deny their fears by becoming daredevils about the very situations that they fear.

The counterphobic response is more difficult to see in situations where a man or a woman is hypersexual.

What is Hypersexuality?  
Hypersexuality, also known as sexual addiction, is defined as a dysfunctional preoccupation with sexual fantasy or in combination with obsessive pursuits of casual/non-intimate sex.  It can involve pornography, compulsive masturbation, romantic intensity or objectification of a sexual partner.  Usually, it occurs for at least six months or more.

Hypersexuality affects both men and women.

Like most addictive behavior, this adult obsessive pattern of thoughts and behaviors will continue despite the person affected by hypersexuality:

• making attempts to stop this problematic sexual behavior
• making promises to him/herself and significant others to change sexual behavior
• experiencing significant negative life consequences

Let's take a look at common situation in a fictionalized scenario where early childhood trauma leads to hypersexuality as an adult:

Marie
When Marie was five, her parents split up and Marie and her older siblings didn't see their father again for many years.  Neither their father nor their mother talked to them about the separation.  They learned about it when they came home from school one day and their father, who was normally there, was gone.

Marie felt responsible for her father leaving the family

When Marie asked her mother where her father was, her mother, Ann, slapped her and told her not to be disrespectful by asking her this question.  Then, her mother told her to go to her room and do her homework.

As most children at her age would react, Marie assumed that she did something "bad" and her father went away.  She believed that she was the cause of the problems in her family and she prayed every night that she would become a better person so that her father would return.

Neither her mother nor the other adult relatives would talk to her or her siblings about why her father "disappeared."  It became the "family secret."

Marie felt so ashamed of what she thought her role was in this that she felt too guilty to talk to anyone else about it, so she kept her fear and sadness to herself.

A year later, Marie's mother, Ann, began seeing a man she met at a party, John.  A few weeks later, John moved into the household and Marie and her older siblings were told that he was their "new father."

John tended to be irritable and bossy.  He expected the children to adhere to his demands without any back talk.  When Marie's teenage brother protested that he didn't want to do a chore that John demanded that he do, John knocked him to the ground and told him to never disobey him again.  When Ann came home and Marie brother told her what happened, Ann sided with John.

After that, Marie and her siblings were more afraid of John than ever.  They tiptoed around him and hoped not to experience his rage.

Marie became to anxious that she began wetting her bed at night, which angered John and brought on the first of many spankings from him.

When Marie turned six, John came into her bedroom late after Ann and the other family members were asleep and he began fondling her breasts.  Marie was shaking with fright, but she pretended to be asleep because she didn't know what to do.

John knew that she wasn't asleep and began taunting her, telling her that she was a "bad girl" and she "liked it."

When he told her to open her eyes, she was too afraid not to do as he said, so she did and, as she did, she saw his leering smile and penetrating gaze.

She began to feel very confused about what was happening.  On the one hand, she felt terrified and helpless.   She knew that what he was doing was "bad."  But, on the other hand, no one else in the household paid any attention to her, and she liked the attention.

John told Marie that if she told anyone about it, no one would believe her.  And, if they did, he would her mother and siblings and he would beat her.

Having already felt responsible for her father leaving the household, Marie didn't want to cause any more problems, so she kept quiet about it.  Whenever she heard his footsteps as he approached her room, she close her eyes and pray.  Then, when he began touching her, she went into a traumatic dissociated state to the point she felt she could look down on herself from the ceiling and see what was going on.

Afterwards, she always felt "dirty" and would go into the bathroom and scrub her body hard with a towel until it was red.

These nightly visits continued for several months until Marie couldn't stand it anymore.  So one day, when she was alone with her mother and no one else was around, she told her mother about John touching her.  She just wanted to make it stop.

Ann reacted by getting angry with Marie and telling her that it must be Marie's fault if John is behaving this way.  She told Marie to lock her door at night and to stay away from John.  She refused to confront John and told Marie that she was being selfish.  After all, wasn't John helping to support the family?

Marie felt devastated that her mother wouldn't help her.   But she also believed that, if her mother said it was her fault, it must be true.  Even worse, she felt frightened, powerless and lonely.

When John realized that Marie locked her door, he got angry and jimmied the lock to get in.  Feeling helpless and frightened, Marie submitted to John and escaped into a dissociated state whenever he touched her.

The sexual abuse continued into Marie's adolescence.  By that time, Marie felt angry about feeling helpless and developed a counterphobic response to John's sexual advances.  She was tired of feeling like he was the predator and she was the victim.

So by the time she was 17, without realizing it, on an unconscious level, she decided that she would be in charge in the situation--no longer behaving like a powerless victim.

One night when John came into her room, Marie told him that she wanted to have sex with him.  Shocked at first, John had sexual intercourse with Marie.  Marie was sure that her mother, who was next door, heard them having sex, but she chose to ignore it.

After that, John seemed to lose interest.  He preferred when Marie was childlike and frightened.  He seemed confused and a little frightened by Marie's boldness, so he stopped coming to her room.

But because Marie was experiencing the counterphobic defense mechanism, she didn't want John to feel he was in charge any more about if they would be sexual, so she would be seductive around him when no one else was around, taunting him for being "less than a man" for ignoring her.

Each time after she seduced him and they had sex, he always blamed her for being "a tramp," but she didn't care--she felt she was the powerful one in the situation.

When Marie was 18, she became pregnant.  By that time, she was having sex with John as well as several other older men that she met in the neighborhood, so she didn't know the identity of the father of the baby.

She had an abortion without telling anyone and, by the time she was 22, she was had two other abortions.  Her hypersexuality included seducing many men that she didn't know.  Each time that she seduced a different man, she felt empowered.

When she was 25, she met a man her own age, Tom, that she liked.  She realized that her feelings for him were different and she felt frightened and emotionally vulnerable, which she didn't like.  When she tried to seduce him, she was surprised that he told her that he really liked her and he thought they should wait rather than crossing that boundary too soon.

Even though she liked him a lot, Marie felt confused by how he treated her and how she felt.  To alleviate her fears, she continued to sneak around with other men without Tom knowing.  These other experiences continued to make her feel empowered, but she also felt guilty about seeing these men behind Tom's back.

The Counterphobic Response and Hypersexuality

When Marie and Tom became sexual, Marie felt very uncomfortable and she couldn't understand why. She prided herself in being sexy and attractive, and she knew that Tom really liked her.  But, unlike how she felt with other men, she felt increasingly frightened by the feelings that she was developing for Tom.

Marie was tempted to break it off, but she knew she would also miss Tom and he was different from other men that she was with.  At the same time, her emotional vulnerability in this relationship made her feel like a helpless child.

Marie knew that she couldn't deal with her ambivalence on her own, so she sought psychological help.

Getting Help
The counterphobic response, as an unconscious defense mechanism, can manifest in many different situations where a person is in denial about their fear and trauma and wants to feel empowered.

This sense of "power" isn't really empowerment.  It's a way to deny the underlying fear by moving towards a feared situation or person as a defense against the fear.

If you feel that you're caught up in a counterphobic response and you want to get help, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who can provide you with the psychological help that you need to overcome this problem.

Confronting underlying fears isn't easy but, in the long run, once you've overcome the counterphobic response, you have an opportunity to live a more meaningful and authentic life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Feelings of Helplessness Related to Early Trauma

Many people who were helpless as children due to childhood trauma continue to feel helpless when they're adults.  As adults, they often continue to feel pessimistic and that they don't have control over their lives.  Frequently, their initial response to suggestions of how they can overcome their problems is "I can't."  

Overcoming Feelings of Helplessness Related to Early Trauma

Part of the work in therapy is helping them overcome their trauma-related sense of helplessness by doing trauma therapy work.  Another important part of the work is helping them to develop an increased awareness that, as adults (as opposed to when they were children), they now actually do have control over their lives and more choices than they're seeing.

A History of Early Childhood Trauma Can Trigger Feelings of Helplessness in Adults
Many people who experienced emotional trauma at an early age, where they really didn't have control over a traumatic situation, grow up with a sense of helplessness in many, if not all, situations in their lives.  Often, this occurs without a person even realizing it because feeling helpless has become a habitual response, and they will often approach problems as if they can only submit passively to what is going on.

Compare the two fictionalized vignettes below of two people in the same situation where one feels helpless and a lack of control and the other feels confident and that he can take steps to overcome his problems:

John
John has a supervisor, Ted, who is a bully.  Ted bullies everyone in the office, including John.  John dreads going to work every morning because he anticipates having to deal with Ted's bullying and demeaning behavior.  

Whenever John's friends suggest that he look for another job, his response is "I can't."  Then, he gives many reasons why he doesn't feel ready to look for another job.  When friends make suggestions about how he can prepare himself  to look for another job, he shrugs his shoulders and says, "I can't."

The worse part is that when Ted treats John in a demeaning manner, John takes this criticism to heart.  Even though John gets a lot of praise for his work from senior managers who are above Ted at the company, one critical remark from Ted will ruin John's day.

John grew up in a household where his father was verbally and physically abusive with John, John's mother and his siblings.  John's father would constantly tell John, "You're nothing and you'll never amount to anything."  When John was a young child, he really had no control over his father's abusive behavior.  And, now, without John realizing it, his early childhood trauma is getting emotionally triggered in his current situation at work.  John is responding to Ted as if Ted is his father and he's a helpless child again.

Larry
Larry also works for Ted.   Ted is also demeaning and bullying with Larry.  But the big difference between John and Larry is that Larry feels he has some control over the situation and that he has choices he can make.

Larry feels confident in himself.  Regardless of what Ted says to him, Larry has a strong sense of self and whatever Ted says to him doesn't change his sense of self confidence.      He knows that Ted's tactics are meant to put him down, but Ted's remarks don't affect the way Larry feels about himself.  Larry's sense of self confidence allows him to remain resilient in this stressful work situation.

Larry knows he has options.  He knows that bullying is against the corporate code of conduct at work, and he can file a complaint with the human resources department.  He also knows that, even though he doesn't have the skills yet to apply for the senior position he would like  to have eventually, he's taking positive steps to improve his skills by taking in-house courses that are offered to all employees on company time.  

While he's in these classes, he's networking and developing important relationships with senior staff to find out about other jobs in the company.  He knows that his current situation with Ted is temporary and, as soon as he is able, Larry plans to leave this department for a better job.

Larry grew up in a nurturing environment where his parents encouraged him to be curious and open to new experiences.  They also instilled a sense of self confidence and encouraged him to pursue his interests.  As he was growing up, they presented him with age-appropriate challenges that gave Larry an opportunity to learn problem solving skills and develop a sense of determination.

How I Would Work With John in Therapy
If John came to therapy because he was feeling anxious and helpless at work and, possibly other areas of his life, I would work with him to develop a greater sense of awareness of how he is responding to his situation and help him, over time, to become more resilient.

No one can change John's history of early childhood trauma. But I could help him work through the trauma using mind-body oriented therapy, like EMDR, clinical hypnosis or Somatic Experiencing, so that he is no longer emotionally triggered in his current situation by his history.  There is no quick fix to John's issues, but I have helped many clients with problems similar to work through their trauma.

Overcoming Feelings of Helplessness Related to Early Trauma

Along the way, I would help John to develop an increased awareness that he is responding to the current situation with the fear that he had when he was a child.  We might do some inner child work to help this younger aspect of himself to feel nurtured in a way that he never felt nurtured when he was growing up.

I would also help John to differentiate between what happened "then" (when he was a child) and what's happening "now" and to see that, if he chooses, he has many more options now than he did then.

Setting manageable goals would also be part of the work in therapy.  And, whenever John felt "stuck"  by a sense of "I can't," we would look at what's really going on for him at that point:  Is there a distortion in the way he's thinking?  Has he slipped back into feeling that he's helpless again, like he was when he was a child?  What else might be going on?

Developing an Awareness of How Early Childhood Trauma Might Be Affecting You Now 
It can be challenging to see when you're responding to situations with a sense of helplessness because   you're being triggered by childhood trauma. It's important to understand and work on the underlying emotional issues.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have a tendency to feel helpless and unable to get "unstuck" in your current situation, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is trained in either EMDR, clinical hypnosis or Somatic Experiencing to help you work through this issue.

You owe it to yourself to get help to overcome this problem so you can begin to lead a more fulfilling life, unburdened by your childhood history.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:  Reconceptualizing the So-Called "Help Rejecting" Client

When Someone You Love Rejects Your Help

One of the hardest things to endure is to experience someone you love, who is suffering, turn down your help.  You know that you all you want to do is help, but your loved one, for whatever reason, rejects your offer.  This can create a lot of conflicting feelings in you, including sadness, confusion, helplessness, frustration and anger.  It's very hard to watch your loved one in pain and not be able to do anything about it.  

Assuming that your loved one is an adult who is not seriously mentally or physically ill, the best thing you can do under ordinary circumstances is to back off and realize that your loved one isn't necessarily rejecting you personally.

For whatever reason, he doesn't want your help, and nagging and pleading with him isn't going to help. Assuming that he is an adult, the problem isn't an emergency, and he's not in danger of harming himself or anyone else, you can assure your loved that if and when he wants your help, you're ready to help him. Then, you really need to step back and take care of yourself in whatever positive ways you can to deal with this difficult situation.

When Someone You Love Rejects Your Help, You Might Have to Take a Step Back

The following scenario, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates how to deal with a situation when someone you love rejects your help:

Karen:
When Karen came to see me, she was very worried about her 28 year old son, Michael, who had just lost his job through no fault of his own.  His company laid off half the workforce due to a financial downturn, and Michael was among the employees let go.

Karen was aware that Michael had large student loan debts and he had little in the way of savings.  When he told her about the lay off, she offered to give him money so he could get by until he found another job.  She also urged him to move back home so he wouldn't have to pay rent.  But Michael rejected her help, telling her that he could take care of himself.

Over the next few months, Karen watched as Michael struggled to find another job.  With each new rejection, Michael seemed more and more disappointed.  When she renewed her offer to help him, Michael lost his temper with her and lashed out, accusing her of not having any faith in him.  Karen was hurt and confused by Michael's response.

Karen tried to explain that she only wanted to help him, but he told her to back off.  She had never seen Michael like this before, and she was worried.  When she began having problems with insomnia, her husband, who was respecting Michael's wishes, recommended that she seek help, and this is when she called me.

We worked on helping Karen to contain her difficult emotions, to focus on herself, and to engage in better self care with regard to her eating and sleep habits.  She also began spending more time engaging in activities that she enjoyed.  She had to learn to accept that Michael was an adult who was responsible for himself, and if he didn't want her help, she had to accept it.  She also had to learn not to personalize his rejection of her help, and recognize that loved ones often turn down help.  She also learned to stop nagging him with her offers, which was having a negative impact on their relationship.  Michael interpreted these offers to mean that she had no confidence in him, even though this isn't what she meant.

Several more months went by, with Michael working whatever part time jobs he could find, until he finally found a job that was similar in responsibilities and salary to his prior job.  When Michael told Karen that he found a great new job, Karen heard the happiness and pride in his voice.   At that point, she understood why it was so important for him to reject her help so he could feel that he could take care of himself on his own.

If Your Loved One is a Harm to Himself or to Others, You'll Need to Take Action
Fortunately, this particular scenario has a happy ending, but not all situations end this happily.  As I mentioned before, if you feel that a loved one is in serious danger of hurting himself or someone else (either suicidal or homicidal or there is an imminent threat of danger), you need to take action by contacting local mental health professionals or, under the most serious and immediate circumstances, calling 911.

Under Ordinary Circumstances, If Your Loved One Rejects Your Help, Be Reassuring But Not Interfering
Under the more usual circumstances that we normally experience with loved ones, if they don't want our help, we often have to step back and back off.

I know this can be very hard to do, but continuing to insist on helping will only make your loved one dig in his or her heels even more.  Assure your loved one of your love and that, if he changes his mind, you're ready to help.  Until then, be as tactful and gracious as you can, and recognize that we can't spare our loved ones the hurt and pain that are a normal part of life.

Hopefully, your loved one will resolve the problem and resume his or her usual life, and your relationship will remain strong.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Learning to Let Go and Stop Interfering in Your Adult Child's Relationship


photo credit: drewleavy via photopin cc

Taking Control of Your Life

One of the most challenging problems to overcome is to feel that you have little or no control over your life.  Sometimes, there are circumstances (or aspects of circumstances) over which you  have little or no control. 

Taking Control of Your Life

Being very sick, dealing with the death of a loved one or your own impending death are examples where there's little or no control.  But, often, feeling powerless is a state of mind that is learned over time.  It's an attitude that can be overcome so that you can take back control and lead a more fulfilling life.

The following is a fictionalized vignette:

Mary:
Mary grew up in a home where her father dominated the family.  As a former Marine captain, her father was used to giving orders and having them obeyed.  Mary's mother was very passive and she went along with whatever her husband wanted without questioning it. Mary never grew up with a sense of what she wanted or even that she was entitled to want anything.

Mary chose a husband who was very much like her father.  He controlled every aspect of their lives, including their money and their social life.

Mary's husband was a successful business man, so Mary never felt worried about money.  Her husband didn't want her to work, so she stayed home, where there was little for her to do.  They had a full time housekeeper, so Mary often spent her days reading or watching TV.

They had no children because Mary's husband had little patience for children.  Whenever Mary saw a mother with her baby, she felt sad.  But she didn't know why she was feeling sad, and she quickly brushed these feelings aside.

Mary loved her husband, and she knew that he loved her.  But, every so often, she was aware that she felt empty inside.  Whenever she experienced this feeling coming over her, she felt ashamed and confused.  She couldn't understand why she felt this way since her husband provided her with everything she needed.  Sometimes, she felt that she was being selfish and ungrateful when these feelings came over her.

Then, one day, after 25 years of marriage, Mary's husband had a sudden heart attack in the office and he was rushed to the hospital.  Mary rushed to the hospital, but her husband was already dead when she got there.  Mary was stunned and she went through the next few months in a kind of stupor.

The family lawyer had power of attorney made most of the important decisions.  He assured Mary that her husband left her well provided for, and she didn't need to worry about money.  But Mary felt in a constant state of panic, feeling adrift and not knowing what to do with her life.  She spent her days wandering from one room to another in her house feeling sad and overwhelmed.

After several months, Mary's friend recommended that she get professional help to overcome her feelings of powerlessness.  This was a tough decision for Mary to make.  Normally, she would ask her husband what she should do, especially before taking such a big step.  But he wasn't around to ask any more, and Mary wasn't sure what to do.  She was pretty sure that her husband wouldn't approve of her going to therapy.  He would just tell her to "buck up" and that she had no reason to feel unhappy.

Not knowing what to do, Mary went along with her friend's advice and made a consultation with a psychotherapist.  She thought it couldn't hurt to go for one visit.  But a few days before the consultation, she almost cancelled her appointment.  She picked up the phone several times to dial, but she hung up again.  Finally, on the day of the appointment, after debating it back and forth in her head, she went.

This began Mary's road to taking back control of her life, which wasn't easy.  Over time, she realized that she had been feeling emotionally numb for most of her life, and she didn't even know it.  Making even small decisions was fraught with anxiety for Mary.  Before she could tackle any major decisions, she had to first become aware of her own feelings.

Mary's therapist, who practiced mind-body oriented psychotherapy helped Mary to first become aware of her own body because Mary's emotional numbness also included a physical numbness that Mary had never been aware of before.  

Over time, Mary began to be able to identify her emotions based on what she was feeling in her body.  She started feeling alive again in a way she never felt before. At times, experiencing her emotions felt somewhat overwhelming, but Mary's therapist taught her in therapy how to bring herself back into a state of emotional equilibrium early on in their work together.

Mary began to use the emotions she felt in her body to determine what she wanted and to start to make decisions for herself.  It wasn't easy, and she would sometimes feel she wasn't entitled to even want anything for herself.  But she was able to persevere because she liked having a sense of aliveness again, no matter what the feelings were.  To feel something was so much better than to feel nothing at all.

Over time, step by step, Mary overcame the learned helplessness that had been a part of most of her life.  Rather than dreading making decisions, she began to look forward to them as ways to take back control of her life.  

She felt sad for all the years she was emotionally adrift in her life.  But she mourned that loss, along with mourning for her husband, and began to look forward.  She learned that there were some things she couldn't control, but there were many other things in her life that she could control.  As she came emotionally alive again, she felt a renewed sense of self and new self confidence.

What Causes You to Feel You Have No Control Over Your Life?
Sometimes, people feel they have no control over their lives because they've been raised under similar circumstances to Mary, and it becomes a way of life for them to have other people tell them what to do.  Other times, a string of unfortunate circumstances creates self doubt and people feel like they're like a leaf in the wind being blown around.

Taking Control of Your Life Often Begins with One Step
Whatever the circumstances, you can learn to take control of your life.  Taking back control of your life often begins with taking one step.  That first step is often a decision that you want to feel a sense of control and to reclaim your life.

Getting Help in Therapy 
If you've tried to do this on your own and haven't succeeded, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has helped other clients to gain a sense of control of their lives.   

A skilled therapist can help you to feel a sense of agency in your life and, with it, a new sense of aliveness and well being.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with adult individuals and couples.  I have helped many clients to take back control of their lives and feel a new sense of aliveness and well being.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

For a related topic, you can read my article:  How Do We Balance Our Owns Needs With Being Responsive to Our Loved Ones?