What is Intergenerational Trauma?

The topic of my prior blog post was Psychotherapy: Healing Your Emotional Wounds.  In that blog post, I mentioned that when people have unresolved, unhealed trauma, they often pass on their fears and anxiety, unconsciously, to their children and that it's not unusual, under these circumstances to see transgenerational trauma.

Intergenerational Trauma

What is Intergenerational Trauma?
As the name implies, transgenerational trauma are emotional wounds that are passed on from one generation to the next, usually, in an unconscious manner. Most of the time, this passing on of trauma from one generation to the next occurs because there is little or no understanding about how trauma affects the self and others and the trauma has not been worked through by the person who originally experienced the trauma.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many cases with no identifiable information, illustrates how transgenerational trauma gets passed on:

Sonia:
Sonia, who was a woman in her mid-30s, came to therapy because she was extremely anxious and her anxiety was affecting her family.

When we went over her personal history, there were no overt signs of abuse or neglect. She grew up in a loving family in NYC. Based on Sonia's account, her parents were supportive and attentive to Sonia and her siblings. Sonia couldn't see any reason why she felt as anxious as she did: She had difficulty sleeping, she worried about almost everything, and she had a terrible sense of foreboding almost all of the time that something bad was going to happen.

Her husband encouraged Sonia to start psychotherapy because he felt that Sonia's anxiety was affecting their five year old daughter. Their daughter was already showing signs of being an anxious child, even though it was obvious that both Sonia and her husband were loving parents.

"My husband says that I make our daughter nervous," Sonia told me, "but I don't see how I do that. And I don't understand why I'm so nervous myself most of the time."

Based on her account, Sonia seemed like she was a very attentive mother who was emotionally attuned to her daughter. But, it was obvious that she was passing on her own anxiety to her daughter somehow.

When we went over Sonia's parents family history, I could see that both of them had experienced early trauma when they were growing up in their native country. Sonia's father lost his parents in a car accident when he was five, and he was raised by an aunt who was both physically and emotionally abusive towards him and his brothers. By the time he was 18, he left the aunt's household to be on his own. He lead a precarious existence until he came to NYC and met and married Sonia's mother. At that point, his life settled down and he had a more stable life, but he tended to be anxious and he worried a lot.

Sonia's mother, who grew up in the same country, lived through several dangerous hurricanes, one of which destroyed the family home. As a young girl, not only did she see the family home destroyed, she also witnessed the drowning of her beloved uncle when the family was attempting to cross a river during the severe flooding related to one of the hurricanes. From that time on, Sonia's mother had nightmares and panic attacks. She never obtained professional help for her anxiety, and she managed her panic attacks by taking anti-anxiety medication. But her nightmares never stopped.

As Sonia and I continued to work together, I discovered that Sonia's parents tended to be overprotective of her and the other children when they were growing up and, without being aware of it, they passed on her worries to Sonia and Sonia's siblings. Sonia grew up feeling that the world was not a safe place and anything that could go wrong would go wrong.

Until we began talking about it, Sonia never realized that her unnamed fears originated with her parents and she was now conveying her fears to her daughter. I provided Sonia with psychoeducation about the nature of transgenerational trauma. Gradually, we worked through Sonia's anxiety using a combination of EMDR and clinical hypnosis until she worked through her fears.

It was only after Sonia had worked through her anxiety and she realized what it felt like to be calm that she realized how anxious she had been all of this time. During that time, Sonia also took her daughter to see a psychotherapist who worked with children so that her daughter wouldn't grow up with the same anxiety that Sonia experienced.

Often, Without Realizing It, People Who Experience Trauma Pass on Their Fears to Their Children 
It's not unusual for people who experience trauma to inadvertently pass on their doubts and fears to their children. There have been many documented cases of this with Holocaust survivors, even in cases where the survivors never discuss what happened. Without realizing it, they convey their fears on an unconscious level to their children so the children often feel that the world is not a safe place.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you think that your trauma is affecting your loved ones or that you are the one who is affected by transgenerational trauma, you're not alone and you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed psychotherapist who has expertise in dealing with trauma and transgenerational trauma.

About Me

I am licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist.

I have helped many clients to overcome trauma and transgenerational trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Psychotherapy: Healing Your Emotional Wounds

Healing Your Emotional Wounds in Therapy

Emotional wounds are a source of shame for many people. Often, rather than getting help, their initial inclination is to either suppress or deny these emotional wounds in an effort to rid themselves of the emotional pain. But when we deny or suppress emotional wounds, the result is that they intensify.

 

Healing Your Emotional Wounds in Therapy

When we're physically hurt, we usually don't think about getting rid of the body part that is injured. So, for instance, we wouldn't think of cutting off an arm that was bruised or burnt. We know that, in most cases, there needs to be special care and attention for the arm to heal.

But when it comes to emotional wounds, many people are much more impatient and rejecting of help than they would be for a physical wound. They either don't know or they don't want to know that, often, these emotional wounds have been around for a long time and, no matter how much they might want to banish them, they'll still be there unless they get special attention and care, much the same as a physical wound.

We know that if we have a physical wound and we don't take care of it, it will get worse. Lack of care can create severe or life threatening consequences. In much the same way, emotional wounds can also become worse and, in some cases, become life threatening if a person is very depressed or anxious.

We have choices as to how we relate to our emotional wounds. We can deny, suppress or ignore them, all of which tends to make them worse. Or, we can look upon them with compassion and see them for what they usually are--early childhood aspects of ourselves that either suffered from abuse or neglect and that need professional psychological help.

When we neglect these emotionally wounded aspects of ourselves, we are, unconsciously, perpetuating the original trauma. Not only can we perpetuate it in ourselves, but we can also have a profound traumatic effect on our loved ones. It's not unusual to see transgenerational trauma that is passed down from one generation to the next, unintentionally, because the original trauma remains unhealed.

Making the Unconscious Conscious:
As I mentioned, when we retraumatize ourselves or we pass on the effects of our trauma onto others, this is an unconscious process. So, if it's unconscious, how can we become more aware of it so that we can make the unconscious conscious?

Often, if you observe your thoughts and attitudes towards yourself, you can begin to see where you're being overly critical, judgmental and harsh with yourself. For many people who practice mindfulness meditation, they become aware of their punitive thoughts and attitudes towards themselves and also become aware that they need to develop more self compassion. They begin to see how they're being overly critical of themselves and engaging in negative self talk.

Even if you don't practice mindfulness meditation and you take the time to observe your internal dialogue, you can see if you're being too hard on yourself and you ask yourself where this harshness originates from. Very often, it originates from early trauma that created emotional wounds.

Many people become aware of their own harshness towards themselves when their friends or loved ones observe it and comment on it. These same people, who are being so harsh on themselves, would almost never be as harsh on someone else in similar circumstances. They often reserve their most punishing attitudes towards themselves because this is what they have internalized, in most cases, when they were growing up.

For most people, they learn to make the unconscious conscious in psychotherapy where the psychotherapist has a psychodynamic orientation as part of the treatment modalities he or she uses with clients, and can help clients to heal from their trauma.

Self Compassion for Your Emotional Wounds:

If you think of the emotional wound as an aspect of your inner child, you'll probably have more compassion for that part of yourself. This could be the start of your being more open and willing to seek help to heal.

Getting Help in Therapy 

Taking the first step is often the hardest. When you're mired in hurt and shame, you might feel that you're the only one who is experiencing this. 

But you're not alone. Once you've become aware that your emotional wounds are having a detrimental effect on your life, the next step is accepting this and taking action to find a professional mental health practitioner who specializes in trauma because the healing work that needs to be done cannot be done by you alone.

Rather than spending the rest of your life adversely affected by your trauma, you could benefit from working through these issues with a licensed psychotherapist who has expertise in this area.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

I use a variety of treatment modalities, including mind-body oriented psychotherapy, psychodynamic psychotherapy, and cognitive behavioral treatment, depending upon the needs of the client.

I have helped many people overcome their emotional wounds so that they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:  Psychotherapy and Transgenerational Trauma

The Mind-Body Connection: Can Yoga Improve Your Mood?

According to the Journal of Alternative and Contemporary Medicine, recent studies have demonstrated that yoga has been shown to increase GABA (gamma-aminobuturic acid), a chemical in the brain that helps to regulate nerve activity.  GABA is usually reduced in people with mood disorders, and doctors often prescribe medication to increase GABA to improve mood and decrease anxiety.

Mind-Body Connection:  Can Yoga Improve Your Mood?

According to the journal article, the study, which was conducted by Dr. Christopher Streeter and his colleagues of Boston University School of Medicine, measured GABA levels in people who practiced yoga and found an increase in GABA levels after a yoga session.

Dr. Streeter and his colleagues found these results encouraging and suggest that longer term research studies are needed to continue to explore the benefits of yoga with regard to mood and anxiety.

The study seems to corroborate what many yoga practitioners have been reporting anecdotally for years--that they have a sense of peace and well-being after their yoga sessions.

A word of caution: Although the research findings about how yoga can improve your mood are encouraging, it's always best to consult with your doctor and psychotherapist before you stop or decrease your medication.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Flirting with Disaster: Sex on the Job

The workplace can be an intimate setting where you and your colleagues are working closely together for long hours on projects of mutual interest. It's not unusual for sexual attractions to develop on the job, especially under these circumstances. But acting on those sexual attractions, even if you're both single, is like flirting with disaster.

Flirting with Disaster: Sex on the Job

What might start out as a romantic encounter or a fun and sex encounter can end up costing you your job and, possibly, your reputation in your industry.

The following vignette is a composite account, with all identifying information changed, of what could happen if you get sexually involved at work:

Ray:
Ray was a successful account manager in his mid-30s at a public relations firm. He had a reputation for being smart and creative. He was becoming increasingly visible at his company due to his success with his accounts, and his boss told him on more than one occasion that senior management had their eye on him for future promotions.

Ray was also single and attractive, and many women in the office were interested in him. In the past, he dated a couple of women at work when he first started on the job. But, when he became an account manager, he decided that office romances were too risky because when the relationship ended, there tended to be hard feelings on one or both sides and he had to continue to have contact with these women, which made it very uncomfortable.

When Sally, the new administrative assistant, began working at the firm, Ray felt an instant sexual attraction for her. She was attractive, sexy smart, and single. Ray also sensed that Sally was attracted to him. He thought about what it might be like to go out with her, but he had no intention of asking her out since they worked together.

A few months later, Ray was working on a project with a short deadline and he was working long hours to try to meet the deadline. His boss assigned Sally to assist Ray as the deadline approached so Ray and Sally found themselves working in close quarters, alone, late at night.

When they were alone, they tended to flirt with each other a little but the pressure to complete the project kept them focused on their task. There was a lot at stake.

On the final night of the project, Ray thought they were really working well as a team. Without Sally's help, Ray knew that he wouldn't have completed the project on time. He also knew that Sally was underemployed as an administrative assistant, and she hoped that she might make a good junior account assistant.

When they had put the final touches on the presentation, they both breathed a sigh of relief. It was late at night and they were both tired. Ray was about to call a limousine service to take Sally home when he looked up at her, saw her staring at him with obvious interest and, without thinking, he kissed her.

As Ray described it to me when he came to see me in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC, maybe it was the excitement of completing the project and the sexual tension that was building up between them but, before he knew it, they were having sex on the floor.

When it was over, according to Ray, he felt embarrassed and guilty for initiating the sexual encounter between them. He knew that they couldn't get involved again, and he told Sally this. She told him that she was disappointed and hoped he would change his mind.

After that, Ray found it very awkward to see Sally at work. He tried to pretend that nothing happened between them, but it was hard. He sensed that Sally was hurt and annoyed with him because he only interacted with her when he absolutely had to and he kept it professional.
A few months later, Sally was assigned to help Ray again with another project deadline. Ray tried to get another administrative assistant to help him, but no one else was available. So, once again, Ray and Sally were alone in the office. Ray tried to focus on the project document, but he was very sexually aroused by Sally and he knew that she felt the same way. Since they had already had been sexually involved, it was that much more tempting.

Ray decided to work in another office and to give Sally work to do in her area. He thought if he didn't have to look at her, he wouldn't be so distracted by the sexual attraction between them. But by the end of the night, the forbidden nature of the situation made it even more tantalizing, and Ray went back to Sally's place, against his better judgment, and they spent the night together.

Afterwards, Ray told Sally again that, even though they had fun together, he wasn't interested in dating her because it would be too complicated. Once again, Sally was annoyed and hurt. She told Ray that they could date without anyone knowing about it, but Ray wasn't interested.

Soon after that, Sally applied for a position as an account manager. Ray's boss asked Ray what he thought about Sally for the job. Ray told his boss that he thought Sally would make a good junior account manager, but he didn't think that she was ready for the more senior position. He told me that he based this solely on her skills and experience, and it had nothing to do with his sexual encounters with her.

But that's not how Sally saw it. When she heard that Ray didn't think she was qualified for the job, she assumed that he was saying this because he was uncomfortable with her due to their sexual encounters. And she went straight to the EEO (Equal Employment Opportunity Office) officer and filed a sexual harassment complaint against Ray.

There was an investigation, which was very humiliating for Ray. He admitted that he had sex with Sally on two occasions, but he denied that this had anything to do with his opinion that she was not ready for the job. Soon after that, Ray's boss reprimanded Ray for getting sexually involved with a someone at work. He told Ray that, as a manager, he should have known better. He was mandated to attend an EEO training on sexual harassment. He was also told, informally, that, even though he was not being terminated, his future with the company was dim and encouraged to resign as soon as possible.

Due to the recession, it took Ray more than a year to find a comparable job and, in the meantime, he had exhausted his savings.

By the time Ray came to see me, he was doing well on his new job, but he was emotionally traumatized by what he allowed to happen at his former job, which is why he came to therapy.

Ray was lucky that Sally didn't go outside the firm to sue for damages, and he realized this. He had a lot to consider in therapy when he thought about his impulsive behavior on his former job.

Getting sexually involved at work can turn out to be a personal and career disaster. This is not to say that many people don't meet at work and eventually get married without a problem, but for many other people, it creates tremendous problems. Even if your company doesn't have a policy where employees are not allowed to date each other, you would be wise to carefully consider getting sexually involved with someone at work.

About Me

I am a licensed New York. City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients with personal and career issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Mind-Body Connection: The Source of Our Emotions

Book: Molecules of Emotion by Candace B. Pert, Ph.D.

Molecules of Emotion by Candace B. Pert, Ph.D. (http://www.candacepert.com) is a fascinating read about how our emotions are stored throughout our body.

 

The Mind-Body Connection: The Source of Emotions

Through her research work as a scientist and Section Chief of the NIH (National Institute of Health) in the 1980s, Candace Pert discovered that emotions are not just in the brain, as we might normally think, but that emotions are stored throughout the body, mostly in neuropeptides at every level of the body and mind. 

She uses the phrase "bodymind" to emphasize that the body and mind are one.

Using precise scientific research methods, Dr. Pert and her colleague, Michael Ruff, Ph.D. give scientific credence to what many Eastern gurus have known for centuries--that the mind, as such, is not just in the brain, but all over the body, which is why it's possible for us to have "body memories."

This also explains why mind-body oriented psychotherapy, like Somatic Experiencing, EMDR and clinical hypnosis can be so effective.

At the time, Dr. Pert's work was ridiculed by many in the scientific community because it was considered the "new paradigm" and many in the conventional scientific world found it threatening.

Aside from providing fascinating and accessible information about the "bodymind" and emotions, Dr. Pert gives us a rare glimpse into the hallowed halls of the research establishment and how research gets approved (or disapproved) based on internal politics and maintaining the status quo.

If you're interested in the mind-body (or "bodymind") connection, I recommend that you read Molecules of Emotion by Candace Pert, Ph.D.

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist and EMDR therapist in New York City. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Awareness and Acceptance: Being Willing to See Things You've Been in Denial About

Awareness and Acceptance: Being Willing to See Things As They Are:
One of the primary sources of emotional pain is that we sometimes keep ourselves unaware and refuse to see and accept things as they are because we want them to be different. This is a common phenomenon that most of us struggle with at various times in our lives.

Awareness and Acceptance

This refusal to see and accept things as they are comes up all the time in psychotherapy sessions:

"My boyfriend keeps cheating on me, but I'll change him."

"My wife has been drinking too much for years, but she promises that she'll stop on her own."

"My teenage son was arrested again for selling drugs, but I think this is just a phase he's going through."

"My husband hit me again, but I know he feels badly about it and he won't do it again."

"My boss says I'm always late, but I wouldn't be if he would just get off my back."

"I just got my second DWI, but I don't have a drinking problem."

Denial Can Be Powerful:
It's understandable that, sometimes, we don't want to see things as they are because we want things to be different or we're hoping that things will change. This can distort our perception and judgment.

But as long as we cling to how we'd like things to be instead of how they are, we're living in denial, and the likelihood that things will change decreases as long as we're in this state of denial.

What Does Acceptance Mean?
People often have problems with the word "acceptance." They think that if they "accept things as they are" that this means that they don't care or they've given up or they won't take action to change the situation. But this isn't what this means at all.

Accepting things as they are is a starting point where you acknowledge the status of the current situation. You are aware and recognize how things are at that moment. Once you've brought some awareness and acceptance to a situation, then you can decide how or if you want to change it or if it can be changed by you or needs to be changed by someone else or if it can be changed at all.

Being Aware and Attuned:
You must be aware and attuned to yourself and the people and situations in your life first to be able to accept them or, if possible, make changes. If your basic emotional defense is to tune out, you might find yourself continually being surprised by what seems like your own and/or other people's "sudden" behavior--when, in fact, it's not "sudden" at all. It just seems that way to you because you're in denial and tuned out.

By keeping yourself blissfully unaware, which is often an unconscious process, you set yourself up for disappointments and rude awakenings when the situation you've been ignoring or in denial about worsens.

Cultivating Awareness and Acceptance, Then Taking Action:
As I've mentioned in prior blog posts, a regular practice of mindfulness meditation, also called Insight Meditation, helps to develop self awareness as well as awareness of the people and things around you.

Psychotherapy is also a form of self exploration as well as a way to develop insight and take action in the areas that you want to change.

When someone comes to see me for psychotherapy in my private practice in NYC, I work with him or her dynamically to not only help them to be more aware and honest about the situation, but also to take action where they can.

It's not enough just to talk about the problem, which is where many psychotherapy treatments get bogged down. If it's possible to take action, I help clients to feel more empowered to make changes. If it's not within their power to make changes, I also help clients to see the situation for what it is rather than what they want it to be.

If you find that your predominant way of coping is to go into denial or get stuck in wishful thinking, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional to help you overcome this problem.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist.

I have helped individuals and couples to overcome areas where they're stuck in their lives so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Creating an Emotional Safe Haven for Each Other

Creating a safe haven within your relationship is one of the most important aspects of a happy relationship, and it includes:

Being Able to Trust Each Other:
Trust is at the root of any successful relationship. Part of any happy relationship is you and your partner being able to trust, to be compassionate, and emotionally supportive of one another.

Relationships: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other

Having a safe emotional haven in a relationship means that you can confide in each other about issues that are private and meaningful to you without being afraid that the information will be used against you in an argument or that your partner will disclose it to others.

Putting Your Relationship First:
Putting your relationship first is also essential to creating a safe haven for each other. This doesn't mean that you and your partner don't have relationships with family and friends because loving friends and family are important too.

But there is a recognition that your relationship with your partner comes first. That means that are ordinary circumstances, you are sufficiently independent from your family so that if there is any question of loyalty, your relationship comes first.

Putting Your Relationship First

Please note that I've written "under ordinary circumstances" so that I'm not referring to situations where there is domestic violence where you need to consider your self preservation and the need for support of family and friends.

Many relationships fall apart because one or both partners are still too enmeshed with their parents or other family members. As a result, they're unable to set boundaries with their family and this interferes with the relationship.

The same can be said about friendships. In a healthy relationship, both partners have close friends that are important to them. But these friendships don't interfere with your relationship.

Spending Time Together: Quality and Quantity:
Spending quality time is essential for creating a safe haven in your relationship. You can't have quality time without having a sufficient quantity of time.

Spending Time Together

 If you two of you are shortchanging the relationship because you're too scattered by other responsibilities and this goes on for a while, your relationship will suffer. This can be challenging, especially for a couple where both people have careers or child care responsibilities, but it's important that the two of you be able to negotiate this.

Resolving Conflicts and Letting Go of Resentments:
Having a safe haven in a relationship means that when conflicts arise, you can resolve them as quickly and equitably as possible. Let go of petty arguments and misunderstandings.

Focus on the importance of the relationship rather than "being right" about issues that are inconsequential. When resentments build up in a relationship, trust often goes out the window.

Needless to say, there is no place for revenge in a healthy relationship or acting out sexually with other people.

Resolving Conflicts and Letting Go of Resentments

Many relationships get into trouble because couples forget how to provide a safe haven for each other. Relationships with a long history go through many challenges and it' s easy to forget what's important. Hurt, anger and resentment can cloud your judgment making it hard for you to find your way back to what was once a loving and supportive relationship.

At that point, you and your partner might need the professional help of a marriage or couples counselor to help you get back on track.

Getting Help in Therapy: Don't Wait Until It's Too Late:
One of the main reasons why marriage and couples counseling is unsuccessful in certain cases is that couples wait until it's too late to seek help. By the time they come to counseling, the relationship is over in all by name.

It's not unusual for me to hear people say, "We've already hired divorce attorneys, but we thought we would give it one last ditch effort." Often one or both people are really not motivated to stay together. One of the partners might really know that he or she wants the relationship to end, but comes to couples counseling to appear as if he or she is being fair, especially if the other person doesn't really want the divorce.

This is not to say that relationships at this stage can never be salvaged, but the odds of repairing a relationship are greater if the couples comes for counseling as soon as they realize that they're unable to resolve their problems on their own.

If you and your partner are having problems in your relationship that you've been unable to resolve on your own, don't wait until it's too late. You could benefit from seeking the help of a marriage or couples counselor who is a licensed mental health professional.

About Me
I am a licensed psychotherapist in NYC who works with individuals and couples.

My services include: psychodynamic psychotherapy, cognitive behavioral treatment, clinical hypnosis, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing.

I've helped many individuals and couples, both heterosexual and gay, to improve their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.