Flirting with Disaster: Sex on the Job

The workplace can be an intimate setting where you and your colleagues are working closely together for long hours on projects of mutual interest. It's not unusual for sexual attractions to develop on the job, especially under these circumstances. But acting on those sexual attractions, even if you're both single, is like flirting with disaster.

Flirting with Disaster: Sex on the Job

What might start out as a romantic encounter or a fun and sex encounter can end up costing you your job and, possibly, your reputation in your industry.

The following vignette is a composite account, with all identifying information changed, of what could happen if you get sexually involved at work:

Ray:
Ray was a successful account manager in his mid-30s at a public relations firm. He had a reputation for being smart and creative. He was becoming increasingly visible at his company due to his success with his accounts, and his boss told him on more than one occasion that senior management had their eye on him for future promotions.

Ray was also single and attractive, and many women in the office were interested in him. In the past, he dated a couple of women at work when he first started on the job. But, when he became an account manager, he decided that office romances were too risky because when the relationship ended, there tended to be hard feelings on one or both sides and he had to continue to have contact with these women, which made it very uncomfortable.

When Sally, the new administrative assistant, began working at the firm, Ray felt an instant sexual attraction for her. She was attractive, sexy smart, and single. Ray also sensed that Sally was attracted to him. He thought about what it might be like to go out with her, but he had no intention of asking her out since they worked together.

A few months later, Ray was working on a project with a short deadline and he was working long hours to try to meet the deadline. His boss assigned Sally to assist Ray as the deadline approached so Ray and Sally found themselves working in close quarters, alone, late at night.

When they were alone, they tended to flirt with each other a little but the pressure to complete the project kept them focused on their task. There was a lot at stake.

On the final night of the project, Ray thought they were really working well as a team. Without Sally's help, Ray knew that he wouldn't have completed the project on time. He also knew that Sally was underemployed as an administrative assistant, and she hoped that she might make a good junior account assistant.

When they had put the final touches on the presentation, they both breathed a sigh of relief. It was late at night and they were both tired. Ray was about to call a limousine service to take Sally home when he looked up at her, saw her staring at him with obvious interest and, without thinking, he kissed her.

As Ray described it to me when he came to see me in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC, maybe it was the excitement of completing the project and the sexual tension that was building up between them but, before he knew it, they were having sex on the floor.

When it was over, according to Ray, he felt embarrassed and guilty for initiating the sexual encounter between them. He knew that they couldn't get involved again, and he told Sally this. She told him that she was disappointed and hoped he would change his mind.

After that, Ray found it very awkward to see Sally at work. He tried to pretend that nothing happened between them, but it was hard. He sensed that Sally was hurt and annoyed with him because he only interacted with her when he absolutely had to and he kept it professional.
A few months later, Sally was assigned to help Ray again with another project deadline. Ray tried to get another administrative assistant to help him, but no one else was available. So, once again, Ray and Sally were alone in the office. Ray tried to focus on the project document, but he was very sexually aroused by Sally and he knew that she felt the same way. Since they had already had been sexually involved, it was that much more tempting.

Ray decided to work in another office and to give Sally work to do in her area. He thought if he didn't have to look at her, he wouldn't be so distracted by the sexual attraction between them. But by the end of the night, the forbidden nature of the situation made it even more tantalizing, and Ray went back to Sally's place, against his better judgment, and they spent the night together.

Afterwards, Ray told Sally again that, even though they had fun together, he wasn't interested in dating her because it would be too complicated. Once again, Sally was annoyed and hurt. She told Ray that they could date without anyone knowing about it, but Ray wasn't interested.

Soon after that, Sally applied for a position as an account manager. Ray's boss asked Ray what he thought about Sally for the job. Ray told his boss that he thought Sally would make a good junior account manager, but he didn't think that she was ready for the more senior position. He told me that he based this solely on her skills and experience, and it had nothing to do with his sexual encounters with her.

But that's not how Sally saw it. When she heard that Ray didn't think she was qualified for the job, she assumed that he was saying this because he was uncomfortable with her due to their sexual encounters. And she went straight to the EEO (Equal Employment Opportunity Office) officer and filed a sexual harassment complaint against Ray.

There was an investigation, which was very humiliating for Ray. He admitted that he had sex with Sally on two occasions, but he denied that this had anything to do with his opinion that she was not ready for the job. Soon after that, Ray's boss reprimanded Ray for getting sexually involved with a someone at work. He told Ray that, as a manager, he should have known better. He was mandated to attend an EEO training on sexual harassment. He was also told, informally, that, even though he was not being terminated, his future with the company was dim and encouraged to resign as soon as possible.

Due to the recession, it took Ray more than a year to find a comparable job and, in the meantime, he had exhausted his savings.

By the time Ray came to see me, he was doing well on his new job, but he was emotionally traumatized by what he allowed to happen at his former job, which is why he came to therapy.

Ray was lucky that Sally didn't go outside the firm to sue for damages, and he realized this. He had a lot to consider in therapy when he thought about his impulsive behavior on his former job.

Getting sexually involved at work can turn out to be a personal and career disaster. This is not to say that many people don't meet at work and eventually get married without a problem, but for many other people, it creates tremendous problems. Even if your company doesn't have a policy where employees are not allowed to date each other, you would be wise to carefully consider getting sexually involved with someone at work.

About Me

I am a licensed New York. City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients with personal and career issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Mind-Body Connection: The Source of Our Emotions

Book: Molecules of Emotion by Candace B. Pert, Ph.D.

Molecules of Emotion by Candace B. Pert, Ph.D. (http://www.candacepert.com) is a fascinating read about how our emotions are stored throughout our body.

 

The Mind-Body Connection: The Source of Emotions

Through her research work as a scientist and Section Chief of the NIH (National Institute of Health) in the 1980s, Candace Pert discovered that emotions are not just in the brain, as we might normally think, but that emotions are stored throughout the body, mostly in neuropeptides at every level of the body and mind. 

She uses the phrase "bodymind" to emphasize that the body and mind are one.

Using precise scientific research methods, Dr. Pert and her colleague, Michael Ruff, Ph.D. give scientific credence to what many Eastern gurus have known for centuries--that the mind, as such, is not just in the brain, but all over the body, which is why it's possible for us to have "body memories."

This also explains why mind-body oriented psychotherapy, like Somatic Experiencing, EMDR and clinical hypnosis can be so effective.

At the time, Dr. Pert's work was ridiculed by many in the scientific community because it was considered the "new paradigm" and many in the conventional scientific world found it threatening.

Aside from providing fascinating and accessible information about the "bodymind" and emotions, Dr. Pert gives us a rare glimpse into the hallowed halls of the research establishment and how research gets approved (or disapproved) based on internal politics and maintaining the status quo.

If you're interested in the mind-body (or "bodymind") connection, I recommend that you read Molecules of Emotion by Candace Pert, Ph.D.

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist and EMDR therapist in New York City. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Awareness and Acceptance: Being Willing to See Things You've Been in Denial About

Awareness and Acceptance: Being Willing to See Things As They Are:
One of the primary sources of emotional pain is that we sometimes keep ourselves unaware and refuse to see and accept things as they are because we want them to be different. This is a common phenomenon that most of us struggle with at various times in our lives.

Awareness and Acceptance

This refusal to see and accept things as they are comes up all the time in psychotherapy sessions:

"My boyfriend keeps cheating on me, but I'll change him."

"My wife has been drinking too much for years, but she promises that she'll stop on her own."

"My teenage son was arrested again for selling drugs, but I think this is just a phase he's going through."

"My husband hit me again, but I know he feels badly about it and he won't do it again."

"My boss says I'm always late, but I wouldn't be if he would just get off my back."

"I just got my second DWI, but I don't have a drinking problem."

Denial Can Be Powerful:
It's understandable that, sometimes, we don't want to see things as they are because we want things to be different or we're hoping that things will change. This can distort our perception and judgment.

But as long as we cling to how we'd like things to be instead of how they are, we're living in denial, and the likelihood that things will change decreases as long as we're in this state of denial.

What Does Acceptance Mean?
People often have problems with the word "acceptance." They think that if they "accept things as they are" that this means that they don't care or they've given up or they won't take action to change the situation. But this isn't what this means at all.

Accepting things as they are is a starting point where you acknowledge the status of the current situation. You are aware and recognize how things are at that moment. Once you've brought some awareness and acceptance to a situation, then you can decide how or if you want to change it or if it can be changed by you or needs to be changed by someone else or if it can be changed at all.

Being Aware and Attuned:
You must be aware and attuned to yourself and the people and situations in your life first to be able to accept them or, if possible, make changes. If your basic emotional defense is to tune out, you might find yourself continually being surprised by what seems like your own and/or other people's "sudden" behavior--when, in fact, it's not "sudden" at all. It just seems that way to you because you're in denial and tuned out.

By keeping yourself blissfully unaware, which is often an unconscious process, you set yourself up for disappointments and rude awakenings when the situation you've been ignoring or in denial about worsens.

Cultivating Awareness and Acceptance, Then Taking Action:
As I've mentioned in prior blog posts, a regular practice of mindfulness meditation, also called Insight Meditation, helps to develop self awareness as well as awareness of the people and things around you.

Psychotherapy is also a form of self exploration as well as a way to develop insight and take action in the areas that you want to change.

When someone comes to see me for psychotherapy in my private practice in NYC, I work with him or her dynamically to not only help them to be more aware and honest about the situation, but also to take action where they can.

It's not enough just to talk about the problem, which is where many psychotherapy treatments get bogged down. If it's possible to take action, I help clients to feel more empowered to make changes. If it's not within their power to make changes, I also help clients to see the situation for what it is rather than what they want it to be.

If you find that your predominant way of coping is to go into denial or get stuck in wishful thinking, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional to help you overcome this problem.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist.

I have helped individuals and couples to overcome areas where they're stuck in their lives so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Creating an Emotional Safe Haven for Each Other

Creating a safe haven within your relationship is one of the most important aspects of a happy relationship, and it includes:

Being Able to Trust Each Other:
Trust is at the root of any successful relationship. Part of any happy relationship is you and your partner being able to trust, to be compassionate, and emotionally supportive of one another.

Relationships: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other

Having a safe emotional haven in a relationship means that you can confide in each other about issues that are private and meaningful to you without being afraid that the information will be used against you in an argument or that your partner will disclose it to others.

Putting Your Relationship First:
Putting your relationship first is also essential to creating a safe haven for each other. This doesn't mean that you and your partner don't have relationships with family and friends because loving friends and family are important too.

But there is a recognition that your relationship with your partner comes first. That means that are ordinary circumstances, you are sufficiently independent from your family so that if there is any question of loyalty, your relationship comes first.

Putting Your Relationship First

Please note that I've written "under ordinary circumstances" so that I'm not referring to situations where there is domestic violence where you need to consider your self preservation and the need for support of family and friends.

Many relationships fall apart because one or both partners are still too enmeshed with their parents or other family members. As a result, they're unable to set boundaries with their family and this interferes with the relationship.

The same can be said about friendships. In a healthy relationship, both partners have close friends that are important to them. But these friendships don't interfere with your relationship.

Spending Time Together: Quality and Quantity:
Spending quality time is essential for creating a safe haven in your relationship. You can't have quality time without having a sufficient quantity of time.

Spending Time Together

 If you two of you are shortchanging the relationship because you're too scattered by other responsibilities and this goes on for a while, your relationship will suffer. This can be challenging, especially for a couple where both people have careers or child care responsibilities, but it's important that the two of you be able to negotiate this.

Resolving Conflicts and Letting Go of Resentments:
Having a safe haven in a relationship means that when conflicts arise, you can resolve them as quickly and equitably as possible. Let go of petty arguments and misunderstandings.

Focus on the importance of the relationship rather than "being right" about issues that are inconsequential. When resentments build up in a relationship, trust often goes out the window.

Needless to say, there is no place for revenge in a healthy relationship or acting out sexually with other people.

Resolving Conflicts and Letting Go of Resentments

Many relationships get into trouble because couples forget how to provide a safe haven for each other. Relationships with a long history go through many challenges and it' s easy to forget what's important. Hurt, anger and resentment can cloud your judgment making it hard for you to find your way back to what was once a loving and supportive relationship.

At that point, you and your partner might need the professional help of a marriage or couples counselor to help you get back on track.

Getting Help in Therapy: Don't Wait Until It's Too Late:
One of the main reasons why marriage and couples counseling is unsuccessful in certain cases is that couples wait until it's too late to seek help. By the time they come to counseling, the relationship is over in all by name.

It's not unusual for me to hear people say, "We've already hired divorce attorneys, but we thought we would give it one last ditch effort." Often one or both people are really not motivated to stay together. One of the partners might really know that he or she wants the relationship to end, but comes to couples counseling to appear as if he or she is being fair, especially if the other person doesn't really want the divorce.

This is not to say that relationships at this stage can never be salvaged, but the odds of repairing a relationship are greater if the couples comes for counseling as soon as they realize that they're unable to resolve their problems on their own.

If you and your partner are having problems in your relationship that you've been unable to resolve on your own, don't wait until it's too late. You could benefit from seeking the help of a marriage or couples counselor who is a licensed mental health professional.

About Me
I am a licensed psychotherapist in NYC who works with individuals and couples.

My services include: psychodynamic psychotherapy, cognitive behavioral treatment, clinical hypnosis, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing.

I've helped many individuals and couples, both heterosexual and gay, to improve their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Mind-Body Connection: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress

Stress is a normal part of life. As long as we're alive, we'll have a certain amount of stress in our lives. An optimal amount of stress is often helpful to motivate us to accomplish our goals. But what happens when stress exceeds the optimal level and we feel overwhelmed?

Mind-Body Connection: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress

Many people who become overwhelmed by stress have maladaptive ways of coping. Rather than responding to stress by taking a moment to catch their breath, they react in negative ways that cause them to feel worse. Usually, their maladaptive reactions aren't intentional. It's more a matter that they've never learned healthy ways to manage their stress.

The following vignette, which represents a composite of many cases to preserve confidentiality, illustrates how you can learn to respond rather than react to stress:

Tammy:
By the time Tammy came to see me in my private practice in NYC, she described her life as being "a complete mess." She appeared tense and exhausted. Her marriage was on a downward spiral. And boss was threatening to fire her if she didn't get help.

Mind-Body Connection: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress

Tammy said that, up until two years ago, her life had been "fine." Her 20 year marriage to Tom had its "ups and downs," but they were generally happy.

But when Tammy's company began laying off employees due to the recession, she was faced with having to take on a lot more responsibilities and spending more time at work. This meant that she spent a lot less time at home with her husband, and she hardly saw her friends. At first, her husband was understanding, but as time went on, her husband began to complain that he hardly ever saw her.

Tammy tried bringing work home, spending early evenings with her husband and then focusing on her work late at night after he went to bed, but then she was exhausted and irritable the next day. After a few days of this, she could hardly get out of bed, and she began snapping at home and at work.

Tammy didn't know what to do, so she tried just working harder, but she kept feeling that she was falling further and further behind in her work. Her boss was complaining at work, and her husband was complaining at home. She felt completely unappreciated by everyone and as if she was caught in this vortex that she couldn't get out of no matter what she did.

She knew that her relationship with her husband was deteriorating, and she worried about this. But she said she felt like a hamster on a wheel--like she was running, but staying in the same place.

When she tried to talk to her boss about it, she completely lost it and began shouting at him. She said she was just as startled by her reaction as he was. Since he knew that this was uncharacteristic of her, he told her that he would overlook her outburst for now, but she had better get help. He also told her that he was going to redistribute some of her work to other employees because it was obvious that she was overwhelmed by stress.

Initially, Tammy was relieved that her workload would be lightened, but then she began to worry about this. She described herself as a "perfectionist" and she felt that she "should" be able to manage all of her work assignments as well as maintain her relationship with her husband. So, even after Tammy had more time to relax, she still felt like she was on a never ending treadmill because her mind kept churning, berating herself for not being able to handle everything. She just couldn't give herself a break.

Before Tammy came to see me, she had never considered what she could do to manage her stress. The concept of stress management was completely foreign to her. Initially, when we began to talk about it, she seemed skeptical. This didn't fit in with her idea that she should be able to handle everything and she shouldn't have to do anything to manage her stress. She felt that if she had to engage in stress management, she was "weak."

But after Tom spoke to Tammy, telling her that he was considering a separation, Tammy began to seriously consider that she needed to make some changes. She didn't want to lose her marriage so, with some hesitation, Tammy became more open to learning how to respond to stress rather than becoming reactive. She also had to learn to manage her harsh and rigid expectations of herself, which meant doing some family of origin work where these unrealistic expectations were first developed.

Tammy began by learning to observe her breath. She was surprised to observe that there were times when she was hardly breathing or she was breathing in a very shallow way. Learning healthy breathing techniques helped to calm her down significantly.

After she learned to breath properly, Tammy and I worked on helping her to observe herself in stressful situations. Over time, she realized that she often reacted to stressful situations without thinking, which often made these situations worse for her and for those around her. She learned some simple techniques for stopping herself from reacting and shifting out of her reactive mode into a more responsive mode. She learned that by stopping, sometimes for only a few seconds, she was able to modulate her emotions, calm herself, and respond on a more even keel.

As Tammy learned to be more responsive and less reactive, she began to feel better about herself and more in control. She was also getting compliments from her husband, her boss and her colleagues, who noticed the positive changes in her.

Mind-Body Connection: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress

During this upward spiral, Tammy became more willing to explore other ways to manage her stress through meditation and yoga. And for the first time in five years, she and Tom planned a vacation together to rekindle their relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy
Without realizing it, the negative effects of reacting rather than responding to stress can creep up on you until you find yourself in an unmanageable situation.

Rather than waiting until stress feels overwhelming, it helps to work with a professional who can help you to change the way that you're handling stress. Very often, once you learn to respond to stress rather than becoming reactive, your overall sense of well being improves and so do your relationships.

About Me
I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist in New York City.

I have helped many clients learn to respond rather than react to stress so they could lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy and Beginner's Mind

"In the beginner's mind, there are many possibilities, in the expert's mind there are few."
Shunryu Suzuki

Psychotherapy and Beginner's Mind

What is "Beginner's Mind"?
Beginner's Mind, also called Shoshin in Japanese in Zen Buddhism, is maintaining an attitude of openness and curiosity, even when you're considered to be at an advanced level of whatever you're doing, whether it's spiritual, emotional, interpersonal, or just living your daily life.

I'm not a Buddhist, but I like the concept of Beginner's Mind because it reminds us not to prejudge ideas, people or places. In this way, we remain open to the experience. If you think you already know, then your mind is closed off to new possibilities, even when you're an "expert" in the field. We can think of many ideas and inventions that wouldn't have been created if their creators had gone along with accepted wisdom at the time of what people thought they "knew" about what was possible and what wasn't.

I believe that Beginner's Mind is a state that we can continually remind ourselves about and bring ourselves back to in our daily living. It's not a place where you "arrive" and then can forget about it. It's normal to revert back to old habits and ways of thinking beause they're so ingrained in us.

Self Compassion and Beginner's Mind:
Rather than berate ourselves for falling back into the same old habits, as we are apt to do, it's far better to acknowledge our humanity and bring ourselves back to the practice of Beginner's Mind, as we do when we meditate and we find our minds wandering.

Psychotherapy and Beginner's Mind

During meditation, when we find our minds wandering, we bring our attention back to our breath or whatever we were focusing on before we got distracted. With practice, it's possible to get better at maintaining our attention.

In the same way, practicing Beginner's Mind can improve our abllity to cultivate this state of mind over time.

We're not looking for perfection, only an increased awareness.

With Beginner's Mind, We Don't Throw Away Our Experiences and Skills:
We're also not looking to throw away what we already know when we talk about Beginner's Mind. So, for instance, if we're crossing the street or driving a car, we don't want to approach these activities as a complete beginner. If we were in plane, we wouldn't want the pilot to forget about experience and abandon all of his or her skills. The same would be true if we're having surgery. We would want the surgeon to be experienced and know what he or she is doing. We want to use the skills that we have and pay attention.

It's more about creating a balance between using what we know and also being open and curious to new things.

Beginner's Mind and Children:
It's wonderful to observe children, especially infants from about six months to a year old, as they explore their world. Everything is new and exciting to them. A simple spoon can be an object of complete wonder and fascination as something to look at, put in the mouth, bang on a table or hurl in the air.

I remember being a very curious child who wondered about a lot of things and asked a lot of questions. Somewhere around the first or second grade, I learned in school that it was better, in the teacher's eyes, to have "the right answer" rather than to question or wonder about things. 

It seemed that whenever the teacher had a question, a sea of hands would go up and if someone gave "the wrong answer," the teacher went on to the next student until she heard the "right answer" and then she rewarded the student with a smile and praise. There was no rewarding smile or praise for "the wrong answer" or encouragement for working your way through the process so that you could learn and grow, possibly by starting out being wrong and learning from there. The emphasis was on knowing and being "right."

Hopefully, this has changed in schools and teachers are more interested in developing curious minds and not people with "the right answer," which tends to stunt curiosity and creativity.

Being a Beginner as an Graduate Intern:
When I was an intern in graduate school, as I've mentioned in earlier blog posts, my internship was working primarily with men who were homeless in a homeless drop-in center. The atmosphere at this drop-in center could best be described as organized chaos with hundreds of clients with many complex challenges.

After a three week training by the internship clinical supervisor, we began our work with these clients. At the time, I was transitioning from the human resources field and I was working full time at a commercial bank, where I worked with investment bankers, going to my classses on Saturdays, and doing my internship in the evenings from 5:30 PM-8:30 PM every evening during the week. It was a very busy schedule.

I remember thinking then, more than I had ever experienced before, that I didn't like being a beginner. Nothing in my work history, education or personal therapy had prepared me for the experience of working with clients who needed so much with regard to housing, their physical health, their emotional health, and the need to connect interpersonally.

I felt completely unskilled and found myself often thinking that these clients really needed someone who was far more experienced and skilled than I was as a complete beginner. I felt like they were being cheated.

I wish that I had known about Beginner's Mind at that time. Of course, the clinical supervisor was there for part of the time and we had weekly supervision. But most of the time, when I was in the moment with these clients, I didn't know what I was doing, especially at the beginning of the internship.

I think most of the interns felt this way during that internship, and we often talked to each other and our supervisor about it. Our supervisor had a completely different view. He thought that the clients really benefitted from having beginners assist them because most of us didn't have very many preconceived ideas about the work or about the clients. He thought that we could approach the clients with open minds, and he encouraged us to maintain a sense of openness and curiosity. Again and again, he emphasized being curious and open, the same concept as Beginner's Mind, although he never called it that.

Learning about the concrete services that the clients needed came a lot easier than beginning to understand the emotional fallout of being homeless, and most of the clients had long trauma histories.

Spending my days working on Park Avenue with investment bankers and my evenings with the poverty-stricken clients made both worlds seem unreal after a while because each world seemed so extreme. It also struck me as unreal that I could walk just a few blocks from Park Avenue to this homeless drop-in center and I was in a completely different world, but this is so true of many areas in New York City and other large cities.

Psychotherapy and Beginner's Mind

Over time, I realized that my supervisor was right. I began to see many experienced social service workers who were jaded and somewhat inured at the center. Many of them were burnt out and just trying to survive themselves on low wages.

But most of the interns felt they had to be on their toes all of the time. We knew that we were beginners. We also knew that, often, we didn't even know what we didn't know. But most of us were ready to roll up our sleeves and do what needed to be done, trying to remain curious and keeping an open mind.

Not only did we learn a lot from our supervisor, but we learned even more from our clients. I was amazed at how generous most of the clients were, considering their circumstances, to share whatever information they had from being in and out of different social service systems over the years or learning about the law while incarcerated.

Most of the clients were truly grateful that we spent time and effort with them. And, even though there was violence at times at the center among the clients, while I was there, I never witnessed any violence towards any of the interns. The clients seemed to have adopted us as their "students," even though most of us were older than them, they were protective, and most had a genuine affection for us. It was an experience that I'll never forget.

Being a Beginner as a Psychotherapist:
After I completed graduate school, I went on for postgraduate training at a psychoanalytic instiitute. It was one of the most intense, rigorous, and fascinating educational experiences of my life. It was considered an "immersion" experience because we attended classes, supervision, our own 3x per week personal psychoanalysis while seeing clients for psychotherapy at the same time.

Once again, I was a beginner, especially the first year, with all of the feelings of anxiety, humility, and confusion that went with that experience. During the first year, most of us felt like we were in a fish bowl, being observed by our instructors, supervisors, as well as our clients.

Many of the clients who came to the institute were feeling depressed, anxious, panic stricken, challenged by difficult relationships, and traumatized by their childhoods, among other problems.

During the first few months, I was more frightened than I would've admitted to my supervisors or teachers, about what might come up in a psychotherapy session--maybe something that I wouldn't know how to handle. Of course, as new therapists, we were not alone and there was an entire institute of seasoned professionals to call on--eventually. But in the moment when each of us were sitting with clients in an office, we were alone and on our own.

I still didn't know about Beginner's Mind or meditation at that time. I felt that I was expected to know, even though I often didn't know. And each week, each of us were on the "hot seat" at least once or twice in our individual supervisions or group supervisions to present a client's case, verbatim (what the client said, what we said to the client).

I don't want to make it sound like we were being grilled as new therapists because we weren't. Most of supervisors and instructors were kind and compassionate people who had gone through the same training that we were going through. I think, as new therapists, who wanted to help our clients and who wanted to seem competent to our instructors and supervisors, we put most of the pressure on ourselves. This also served to keep us on our toes to be diligent about finding out about situations that we didn't know about or to understand unfamiliar concepts.

I remember thinking to myself, once again, that these clients deserved to be seeing someone else--a therapist with a lot more experience and knowledge than I had. Even though there was no secret that this was a postgraduate training center, I wondered how many clients really knew that they were seeing psychotherapists in training. I suspect that many of them thought that if you were seated in the psychotherapy room and you were seeing them, you must know what you're doing, which only added to the pressure the trainees felt.

By the second year, we were over the period of "baptism by fire" of the first year. Many of us were continuing with the same clients and we were feeling a little more confident, still new, but not so worried about the proverbial fish bowl.

Part of what came next in training was that we had to become more proficient at diagnosis. While the psychodynamic processs was the emphasis of training and, fortunately, diagnosis was not the major focus of psychoanalytic training, it was still significant.

While I think it's important to be able to diagnosis to a certain extent, especially if clients have major depression, bipolar disorder, ADHD, or other problems that have a strong biological component and where medication might be needed, focusing exclusively on diagnosis is very limiting to the work.

When you're first learning about diagnoses, it's an occupational hazard that not only do you feel you often see the diagnoses in your clients, but you begin to see it in your friends, family, loved ones (much to their chagrin), and in yourself.

I can laugh now when I think that it was not unusual in that early stage of training for new therapists who became friends to say to each other, "Do you think I suffer with narcissistic personality disorder?" or "I think I have some borderline personality disorder traits."

I've heard that medical interns go through similar experiences. I think this happens when you're so immersed in learning about the diagnoses that you think you see them everywhere.

The problem with too much of a focus on diagnosis is that you can reduce the client to a particular set of behaviors and dynamics. It becomes too easy to rely on the American Psychiatric DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) and forget that you have a client in front of you who is multi-dimensional and multi-faceted in many ways. People are too complex to reduce them to a few lines in a manual. And when we reduce people to a diagnosis, it's easy to lose compassion for them.

The other problem is that when a therapist reduces a client to a diagnosis, it's often the opposite of keeping an open mind because the therapist can think that she or he knows, using only the diagnosis, what's going on with the client. It's the opposite of Beginner's Mind. It's far better to remain open and curious about what's going on, holding onto any particular diagnosis in a tentative way, if it's relevant, keeping in mind that this might not be correct, it could change, each person is unique and that not all people with a particular diagnosis are the same.

Beginner's Mind as a Psychotherapist:
I don't want to sound like I'm presenting myself as someone who has reached the pinnacle of using Beginner's Mind. Far from it. I still need to remind myself to be open and curious, but I think I remember more often now beforehand rather than remembering after the fact. Now that I have more experience, I'm also more willing to be wrong, as compared to when I was new to the field years ago.

Part of the job of any experienced psychotherapist is to approach each client and each new session with Beginner's Mind, even if they don't call it that. Skilled therapists who are willing to use their skills and their intuition are usually better therapists than therapists who think they always know what's going on with clients.

Therapists are only human and it's easy to make the mistake by assuming that you absolutely know. It's a far better approach for therapists to consider ideas that they might have as possibilities, not to get wedded to them, so that, if they're wrong, these possibilities can be thrown out and the therapist can learn from the client what's really going on.

If they're right and their skills and intuition have lead them in the right direction for the benefit of the client, that's great. But assuming, as a therapist, that you're always right is a big mistake (as it would be for anyone). It's better to start with Beginner's Mind. And if a therapist forgets, as I sometimes do and must remind myself, it's better to acknowledge it and bring yourself back to an open mnd. This is a humbling, but necessary process.

Being a Smart Consumer of Mental Health Services:
It's a delicate balance and an ongoing challenge. Clients, of course, want therapists that are licensed, experienced and skilled. Licensure, skills and experience count, just as they do for a doctor, a pilot, or a teacher. Before there was licensure, anyone could call him or herself a psychotherapist in NY, but now that there's licensure, it's no longer legal to call yourself a psychotherapist if you don't have a license.

Getting Help in Therapy
As a smart consumer of mental health services, you want to know that your therapist is qualified to treat you. I've seen many clients hurt when they went to unlicensed, inexperienced and unskilled people for psychological problems. Unfortunately, there are some people who advertise themselves as coaches or New Age counselors, offering "quick fixes," who are working outside the scope of their skills and knowledge, and this is often hurtful to clients.

 If you want to find out more about Beginner's Mind and how you can develop more of an openness and curiosity about life, I suggest you read a book called Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind by Shunryu Suzuki. As I mentioned previously, I'm not a Buddhist, and I've found the concept of Beginner's Mind to be valuable. Even if you're not a Buddhist and you have no interest in Buddhism, you could benefit from reading this book to learn more about Beginner's Mind.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy for Shock Trauma

In my last blog post, Understanding Shock Trauma, I discussed shock trauma, including the types of traumatic events that can cause shock trauma and its symptoms. In this blog post, I will discuss psychotherapy and shock trauma and the treatment modalities that I find most effective in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City.

Psychotherapy for Shock Trauma

Psychotherapy for Shock Trauma - Initial Phase: Assessment and Developing Resources
When clients come to me to be treated for shock trauma, I assess each client with regard to the nature of the trauma and their internal and external resources. Before any processing of the trauma can begin, clients must have adequate internal and external resources or the trauma processing could be overwhelming for them.

What are Internal and External Resources?
When I refer to internal resources, I'm referring to a person's coping abilities. If the client doesn't have sufficient coping abilities, I assist them to develop them. Internal resources can be any of the following: an ability to meditate or calm oneself by taking calming breaths, visualizations of relaxing places, visualizations of supportive people in their lives, memories or associations of times in their lives when they felt good about themselves (confident, powerful, competent) and so on.

External resources can include friends, family, loved ones, mentors, coaches, or pets. If a client is in recovery for substance abuse or some other form of addiction, it could include 12 Step meetings, peers in 12 Step meetings, and sponsors.

Psychotherapy Treatment Modalities:
When dealing with trauma, I usually use mind-body oriented psychotherapy such as Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, or EMDR, depending upon the needs of the client. Sometimes, depending upon the needs of the client, I might use a combination of these treatment modalities. The treatment plan is a collaborative effort with the client.

Psychotherapy for Shock Trauma - Processing the Trauma:
Once the client has developed adequate resources, I titrate the trauma work so that it is performed in manageable pieces. (Titration means in manageable doses.) When dealing with the trauma, we're dealing with the reptilian brain (see prior blog post about the triune brain). The reptilian brain processes about 7x slower than the neo-cortex, so trauma work is, by necessity, slower than other types of work that is done in psychotherapy. If the therapist goes too quickly, the reptilian part of the client's brain will be overwhelmed and it will be to0 much for the client.

I help the client to move gently back and forth between manageable emotional activation related to the trauma and a calm emotional state so that the trauma work remains in a tolerable range.

The client is the best judge in terms of what he or she experiences in trauma work, so the client is in charge, and I am guided by his or her feedback during sessions.

Psychotherapy for Shock Trauma - The Goal of Treatment:
Using one of the mind-body oriented psychotherapy treatment modalities, the goal is for the client to process the trauma and to discharge the trauma-related "stuck" energy which is being held in the body so that the client can return to at least as good a level of his or her former level of overall functioning or better.

The discharge of "stuck" energy can come in many forms, including breathing out stressful energy, perspiring, yawning, experiencing tingling, and other forms of discharge. The client often senses when he or she has discharged the trauma-related energy that has been "stuck" in the body because there is a sense of calm or relief for the particular piece of trauma work that has been worked on.

Psychotherapy for Shock Trauma - Developing Self Compassion:
Many clients who begin trauma work blame themselves for what happened to them. They get caught up in negative cycles of self talk where they berate themselves, telling themselves that they should have known better or they shouldn't have gone to a particular place, etc. This only exacerbates their trauma symptoms.

During treatment, I help clients to realize that they're not to blame for what happened to them or for their trauma symptoms. Helping clients to develop self compassion is also part of the way I work with traumatized clients from the beginning so they don't get caught in negative cycles of self blame.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome traumatic events in their lives, including shock and developmental trauma, so that they can go on to lead productive and meaningful lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.