How to Make Consent and Sexual Negotiation Fun

I've written about consent and sexual negotiation in previous articles (see my articles: No Means No Isn't Enough. What is Enthusiastic Consent?).

When I talk to my sex therapy clients about consent and negotiation, some of them tell me that having these talks can be boring, at best, or a libido killer at worst.  But I tell them it doesn't have to be that way.

How to Make Consent and Sexual Negotiation Fun

In the current article I'm discussing how to make consent and sexual negotiation fun and sexy.

Many of the ideas for this article come from the sex educator and author, Midori, from a podcast she did on the American Sex podcast with Sunny Megatron (Episode 72).

How to Make Sexual Negotiation Fun and Sexy

Consent is essential to sexual encounters with others.  

How to Make Consent and Sexual Negotiation Fun

Midori emphasizes that a discussion about the possibility of sex must be an engaged collaboration which she describes as actively participating in the collaboration . This means it's not about one person saying what they want and the other person passively going along.  This applies whether it's about vanilla sex or BDSM or kink.

Contrary to what many people think, sexual negotiation can be fun, playful and flirty rather than deadly serious or boring.

Fun and Sexy Consent and Sexual Negotiation Step-By-Step

Fun and sexy consent and negotiation starts with doing groundwork beforehand. So, you can consider the following steps if it suits your particular situation:

• Clear Your Mind Before Your Talk: Before you talk to your partner, instead of thinking about your to-do list, clear your mind so you're focused on what you want. Put aside thoughts about the laundry, the dishes, your taxes, etc. so you can focus. Being preoccupied with distracting thoughts about other things is a libido killer. A lot of people forget or don't know about clearing their mind beforehand, so they enter into sexual activities being distracted and then they become a spectator instead of being fully immersed in their talk or in their sexual activities. This is called spectatoring (see my article: Are You Distracted Before or During Sex?).

• Think About What You Want Before You Have the Discussion With Your Partner: Each person needs to think about what they actually want before they even have the discussion.  You might not know exactly what you want, but have an idea of what you want that day.  So, for instance, using food as a metaphor, you might know that you have a craving for Asian food and not Italian food that night, but you're not sure what type of Asian food because there's all different types, including Chinese, Japanese, Korean and so on.  But at least you have an idea.  Also, don't make assumptions about your partner. Using the food metaphor: Just because your partner usually wants steak, don't assume they want steak every time because they might want something different that day.

• Consider Your Mood Before Your Discussion With Your Partner: Are you feeling sassy, lazy, sexy or something else? That can make a difference in what you want to do.  Are you in the mood for a night of sexual flow where you each take your time or are you in the mood for a quickie with a burst of passion at the end? Being able to communicate this to your partner helps to improving the sexual experience for both of you.

How to Make Consent and Sexual Negotiation Fun

• Know Your Hard Limits Before the Discussion: While you're having your fun and flirty sexual negotiation with your partner, do you have hard limits? For instance, if you know you have to get up early the next day, you want to let your partner know that, at least for this time, you can't stay up all night.  On another night you might want to have a slow, sensuous, sexy night, but not on this particular night.  And there might be other hard limits, which is why it's important to think about these things beforehand if you think you and your partner might be having sex that night. Or, maybe your neck or back are hurting you so you want to be careful with whatever you do and you communicate this with your partner.

• Use "We" Language During the Sexual Negotiation: Midori stressed this point as part of the engaged collaboration because you might have a partner who is a passive pleaser, so to avoid having your partner (or yourself) just going along, use the collaborative "we" in your talk.  

• Approach Your Partner in a Playful, Flirtatious Way: Assuming it's appropriate for your relationship with your partner, make your discussion fun and flirty.  However, if you know that your partner would not respond well to playfulness and flirtation during your discussion, respect that because it would be a turn-off to them. Similarly, don't be overly-flirtatious if you don't know your partner well. You don't want to come across as creepy. Also, be aware of timing and the way you communicate with them on a verbal and non-verbal level. In addition, it's important to be able to pick up on cues from your partner and if you're not sure, ask them (see my article: How to Flirt).

• Keep an Open Mind, But Don't Do Anything You Don't Want to Do: On the one hand, when your partner is telling you what they want to do, keep an open mind and don't be critical of what they want if you don't want to do it. Criticism is often a libido killer for both people. On the other hand, never feel obligated to do anything you don't want to do.  Unfortunately, some women (and men) feel they must comply with their partner's wishes in order to get their partner to like them. Or they feel obligated to please them. If they suggest something you don't want to do, be tactful in the way you tell them you're not interested in that. If they get offended, this might not be the person for you.

• Remember: If You're Consenting, You're Consenting to an Experience and Not an Outcome: Midori made a good point in the podcast mentioned above that when someone consents to a sexual activity, they're consenting to the experience and not the outcome. There's no way to know beforehand if the outcome of your sexual encounter will be good, bad or indifferent. You're basically consenting to try a sexual activity with a partner. In some cases, you might be trying a particular sexual activity that you have never done before or you've never done with this particular person. So, be clear about this beforehand. 

• Never Pressure Your Partner to Do Anything They Don't Want to Do: Consent isn't about pressuring your partner to do what they don't want to do, so never pressure anyone--not even in a way that you think is subtle and never allow yourself to be pressured (see my article: Pressure is Not Part of Negotiating Consent).

• Discuss Aftercare and What You Want to Happen After Sex: You might not always know everything you want afterwards but, to the extent you know certain things, let your partner know whether or not you want them to stay over and what type of aftercare you want.  Even though aftercare is often associated with BDSM and kink, aftercare is usually important to people who engage in non-kink, vanilla sex too. So, for instance, even if you know you don't want to sleep with your partner after sex, you might know that you like to cuddle afterwards for a little while or talk.  Or, if you know you don't like to cuddle or talk afterwards, let your partner know so there's less of a chance of confusion and disappointment if they have different expectations.

• Pay Attention to Your Own Feelings and Your Partner's Cues Throughout the Sexual Encounter: As previously mentioned, you and your partner might be exploring sexual activities that are new to one or both of you, so pay attention to your internal experience as well as your partner's cues. Even though you both consented to an activity beforehand, either of you can withdraw your consent at any time if the experience becomes uncomfortable. Don't feel obligated to continue if you or your partner are uncomfortable. You can pause to talk or you can stop altogether depending upon what is needed at the time. Make sure you talk about this beforehand to try to avoid misunderstandings or hurt feelings.

Conclusion

In recent years, there has been pushback and misconceptions about consent and sexual negotiation. But giving and getting consent and negotiating sexual activities doesn't have to be ruin the mood if you both approach it in a fun and playful way.

On the contrary, you can use the discussion with your partner to spice up your sex life and to build trust and a deeper connection, if you want it, between you and your partner.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're struggling with a sexual issue, you can get help in sex therapy.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

During sex therapy sessions, there is no nudity, physical touch or sexual activity of any kind (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, get help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Being Emotionally Vulnerable is a Strength

In a prior article I discussed vulnerability in terms of it being a pathway to intimacy.  However, I'm aware that a lot of people think of vulnerability as a weakness and their reluctance to allow themselves to be open and vulnerable in their relationship creates disconnection in their relationship.

Emotional Vulnerability is a Strength

What is Emotional Vulnerability in a Relationship?

Emotional vulnerability in a relationship is a state of being open by acknowledging and taking a risk to expose your feelings to your partner.  This allows you to love them and to be loved by them.

Emotional vulnerability allows you and your partner to connect and deepen your relationship.  

What Are Examples of Emotional Vulnerability?

The following are some of the most common examples of emotional vulnerability:

• Telling your partner you love them
• Talking honestly and openly about your emotional needs
• Talking about your hopes, fears and dreams
• Apologizing for your mistakes 
• Sharing your feelings of grief
• Sharing your feelings of disappointment
• Sharing your feelings of shame
• Telling your partner why you're angry
• Telling your partner why you're sad
• Making an effort to work through problems in your relationship

Why is Emotional Vulnerability Important in a Relationship?

According to Dr. Brene Brown, author and social work researcher, "Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, empathy and creativity."

Dr. Brown goes on to say, "To love is to be vulnerable, to give someone your heart and say, 'I know this could hurt so bad, but I'm willing to do it; I'm willing to be vulnerable to love you."

Vulnerability allows you to grow as a person. It helps to build trust, empathy, honesty and a stronger bond between you and your partner.

What is Fear of Emotional Vulnerability?

Fear of vulnerability is common for adults.

But no one is born with a fear of vulnerability.  Generally, young children are open and free with their emotions if they grow up in an atmosphere of emotional safety.  

But if they grow up in an environment where they experience emotional neglect or abuse or they witness family members being emotionally or physically abused, they learn that the world is a painful place and they need to protect themselves by closing themselves off (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

In other words, fear of emotional vulnerability is a learned experience.  It's not that anyone necessarily tells children this explicitly--it's a matter of them internalizing the emotional pain they experience or witness in the family.  This often leaves them feeling ashamed and unlovable.

For example, children who grow up in a family where one or both parents are alcoholic (or dysfunctional in other ways) might see a loving sober parent become an angry, abusive parent when they're drunk.  

They might also see their sober parent in emotional pain and taking on the full mental and emotional load of raising them because their alcoholic or dysfunctional parent can't do it.

What this communicates to a young child is that when they grow up, they can't trust their partner. Instead, they think they have to learn to be completely "independent," but in reality, this is a pseudo-independence because it's a denial of their emotional needs (see my article: Is This "Independence" or Shame?).

Often the person who grows up with a fear of vulnerability due to their childhood experiences over-functions for their partner. They might do most or all the household chores, take on the complete responsibility of raising their children and managing the finances.  

Underneath this over-functioning is often a mistrust that their partner will be there for them emotionally, mentally and practically.  This might actually be the case in reality if they chose someone who is unable or unwilling to be there for them or it might be a false perception they would have for any partner.

Consequences of Not Being Vulnerable

Building a protective emotional wall around yourself might make you feel momentarily safe, but there are long term negative consequences for you and your relationship.

An inability and/or an unwillingness to be emotionally vulnerable with a partner sets a limit in your relationship in terms of how the relationship can grow and deepen.  It's harmful to you as an individual and it's hurtful to your partner.

Over time, a lack of vulnerability between two people in a relationship can cause emotional disconnection.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you struggle to be emotionally vulnerable, you might already be aware of the negative consequences this has in your life.

Rather than struggling with your fear and shame on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Learning to be emotionally vulnerable in a healthy relationship can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt

I began a discussion about setting boundaries in an earlier article.  In the current article I'm focusing on one of the hardest parts of setting boundaries for many people--dealing with guilty feelings.

Do You Feeling Guilty About Setting Boundaries?

A common problem for people who feel uncomfortable about setting boundaries is that they feel guilty and they fear conflict. So, if the thought of setting a boundary with someone fills you with fear and guilt, you're not alone.

Setting Boundaries Without Guilt

People who have problems setting boundaries often focus on how the other person might feel.  While this is an important aspect of boundary setting, it's only one part of the story.

Often people focus exclusively on the other person's feelings because they have problems focusing on their own discomfort.  

They might feel uncomfortable even acknowledging their own discomfort.  So, it's easier for them to focus on the other person (see my article: People Pleasing to Avoid Conflict).

This is especially common if you were raised to believe you should put other people's emotional needs above your own.  

It might not have been framed exactly that way. Instead, maybe you were told you have to be "strong" for other family members, which often results in you stifling your feelings so that others won't be uncomfortable or they can lean on your emotionally.  

If you grew up being accustomed to prioritize other people's feelings and suppressing your own, you might feel guilty about allowing yourself to even have feelings that are different from your loved ones. 

After a while, you might not even know what your feelings are because you have suppressed them for so long before they even came into your awareness (see my article: Being the Different One in Your Family).

Setting Boundaries Without Guilt

This usually happens in enmeshed and dysfunctional families where children grow up feeling they have to take care of their parent's needs (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families and Role Reversal in Families).

Another example of why you might have problems setting boundaries could be that your boundaries were violated when you were growing up.  This happens when children are abused either emotionally, physically or sexually or if they were neglected.

This is especially confusing when the person who was abusing you was someone you were supposed to be able to trust--your parent, a relative, a teacher, religious leader or someone else who was supposed to have your best interests at heart.  

Even if you weren't abused, you might have internalized a parent's guilt about setting boundaries with their own family of origin or with other loved ones.

For instance, if you saw your mother feeling putting aside her own emotional needs due to guilt, you probably internalized this as a powerful message, especially if you saw it over and over again--even though your mother might not have told you to do this directly.

Why Are Boundaries Important?

Knowing why boundaries are important can help motivate you to do the work involved with developing this skill.

Healthy boundaries:

• Tell others how you want to be treated and, when the other person respects your boundaries, it can prevent you from being mistreated.

• Help you to be your own person. You create a healthy emotional and physical separation between you and others so that you don't feel mistreated.

• Allow you to have your own thoughts, feelings and needs that are separate from others.

• Allow you to have the time and space you need for your own personal needs.

How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt

• Get Clear on What You Want: This might be easier said than done, especially if you grew up overriding your own feelings. Thinking about it beforehand and writing in a journal can help to clarify your thoughts and feelings. If it helps you to feel more comfortable, you can write out a script, including any obstacles you anticipate.

Setting Boundaries Without Guilt

• Be Aware That Healthy Boundary Setting is About Taking Care of Yourself--Not About Controlling Others: Appropriate boundaries is about taking care of yourself. It's not about controlling others--even though they might feel you're trying to control them. Just because they feel that way doesn't make it true. When you set healthy boundaries, you tell yourself and the other person that your thoughts and feelings matter and that you are worthy of being treated well (see my article: Feeling Entitled to Self Care).

• Be Clear and Direct Without Apologizing: People who have problems setting boundaries are often unclear because they are so passive and indirect that the other person doesn't understand what they're trying to say. This is where it helps to have a clear and succinct message. Compare the following statements and notice the difference between the Examples A and B:

• Example 1A: "Mom, I know you have certain ways of doing things that are  important to you. I have my own way of doing things, so please respect that."
• 
  
• Example 1B: "Mom, I'm sorry I don't do things the way you taught me. You're probably right, but I like my way. Is that okay?"

• Example 2A: "Jane, when you borrowed money from me two months ago, you agreed to pay me back within a month, but you haven't, so let's talk about this because I need the money."

• Example 2B: "Jane, I feel badly about bringing this up because money is such an uncomfortable topic to talk about, but you haven't paid me back the money you borrowed from me. So, I apologize for even bringing it up. I'm sure you have a very good reason why you haven't repaid me, so maybe I shouldn't even be asking, but I really need the money now to pay the mortgage. Of course, if you don't have it, I would understand and maybe I could borrow money from my parents to pay the mortgage."

• Expect and Plan for Obstacles: Whether the obstacles are your own difficulties with asserting yourself or you expect resistance from the other person, expect it and plan for these obstacles while you're preparing to set a boundary.  You can include how to deal with obstacles when you write about it beforehand.

• Overcome Your Fear of Conflict: One of the major reasons why people have problems setting boundaries is that they anticipate conflict and they want to avoid it.  This expectation isn't unreasonable expectation when you take into account that other people might be benefitting from the lack of boundaries and they might want to maintain things the way they are. If your boundary setting is met with anger and/or resistance, this doesn't mean you should back off by sacrificing your own needs to placate someone else. Anger and resistance is often a confirmation that boundary setting is important in this situation. Instead of returning to a state of passivity, anticipate these reactions in advance and have a plan. In extreme cases where you expect aggression, make sure you're not alone.

• Setting Boundaries is an Ongoing Process: If you have managed to set an appropriate boundary with someone, don't expect that this to be a one-and-done process, especially if there is a history of poor boundaries. You will probably need to reinforce the boundaries from time to time.  This doesn't necessarily mean that the other person is intentionally trying to harm you. Instead, it might mean that they also have problems with boundaries so they're trying to develop this skill at the same time that you're trying to develop it.  Also, be aware that your needs and your relationships can change over time so you might need to change the boundary agreements you already have with others.

Getting Help in Therapy

Learning to set boundaries without guilt isn't always easy, especially if the problem is rooted in your early history.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome these obstacles. 

So rather than struggling on your own, seek help in therapy.

Once you have learned to set boundaries without guilt, you can have a greater sense of well-being and healthier relationships.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

5 Common Myths About Sex in Long Term Relationships

In this article I'll be challenging the most common myths about sex in long term relationships.

Pleasurable Sex in Long Term Relationships

Sex Education in the US is Inadequate

One of the leading reasons for so much misinformation, in general, about sex is that only 39 states and the District of Columbia mandate sex education and HIV education in high school.  

These programs vary widely in terms of the quality of the sex education they provide, and some states provide only abstinence-based sex education.  

In addition, all too often, sex education programs only focus on the health risks of having sex with no information about sexual pleasure.  This can leave young people with the misconception that sex is "bad" and always "dangerous."

A lack of quality sex education means people aren't getting the sex education they need. Furthermore, since many young people don't get sex education at home, they turn to porn, which is highly inaccurate.

Moreover, adults in healthcare settings are often too ashamed to ask their healthcare professionals about sex.  And, making matters even worse, many of these professionals, including medical doctors, get inadequate sex education as part of their medical training. So, all too often even if patients ask them questions about sex, they're unable to answer.

Taking all of this into consideration, is it any wonder there are so many myths about sex in long term relationships?

Ageism and Sex

In our youth obsessed culture, there is a stigma against aging and sex.

In addition, many people assume that older people don't want to have sex. While this might be true for some older people, many who aren't having sex, would enjoy sex, but they don't have a sexual partner.

Challenging 5 Common Myths About Sex in Long Term Relationships

So, let's challenge 5 common myths about sex in long term relationships: 

• Myth 1: Good Sex Means Frequent Sex: It's important to understand that quantity doesn't equal quality. Regardless of how often a couple has sex, sex is only "good" if both people enjoy it. So, for instance, if a couple's sex script is determined only by the demands of one partner and the other partner is only going along without enjoying it, this isn't good sex because it lacks mutuality.  It's "compliant sex" which often breeds dissatisfaction and resentment in the long run for both people (see my article: What is Good Sex?).

• Myth 2: The Best Sex Always Occurs During the Initial Stage of a Relationship: Sex often gets better over time for couples, especially if the couple is able to communicate their needs to each other.  While it's true that many couples have more frequent sex during the initial limerence stage (the early stage of a relationship where two people are infatuated with each other), frequency doesn't automatically equal "good sex," as mentioned in Myth 1 (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

Pleasurable Sex in Long Term Relationships

• Myth 3: Couples in Long Term Relationships Eventually Stop Having Sex: This is one of the most common myths that our culture perpetuates. This myth is further complicated by Myth 1, which is that good sex means frequent sex. Many couples continue to have pleasurable sex into their 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond.  Although they might not have the physical agility they once had in their 20s, if they're willing to try new ways of having sex, their sex life can continue to be enjoyable. Note: If you and your partner have stopped having sex and one or both of you aren't happy about it you could benefit from working with a sex therapist.

Pleasurable Sex in Long Term Relationships

• Myth 4: Once Couples Stop Having Sex, They Can't Resume Having Sex Again: Too many couples believe this myth, which deprives them of having a fulfilling sex life. Other couples are too ashamed to talk to each other about sex or they don't know how, so this problem never gets addressed.  If both people want to resume having sex, they can make a conscious effort on their own to resume having sex. And, if they're having a problem getting started again, they can consult with a sex therapist for help on how to address the underlying issues creating obstacles for them as well as learn behavioral interventions assigned by a sex therapist as part of the couple's homework to work on in the privacy of their home.

Pleasurable Sex in Long Term Relationships

• Myth 5: Cheating Means Lack of Sexual Interest in the Relationship: There are a lot of misconceptions about cheating.  In many cases, there is no one particular reason why people cheat. Cheating often has nothing to do with a lack of interest in their partner or in the relationship. Many people, who love their partner and who still feel sexually attracted to them, engage in cheating.  In fact, many people who cheat say they still feel emotionally and sexually fulfilled in their relationship, but they want to feel sexually desirable to others (see my article: Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Reasons Why People Seek Help in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exam or sexual activity in sex therapy sessions. However, there are homework assignments to practice in the privacy of your own home to improve your sex life (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you have been unable to resolve sexual problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help in sex therapy for a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

To Improve Intimacy in Your Relationship, Get Off the Sexual Staircase

In their book, Desire - An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships, Lauren Fogel Mersey, PsyD and Jennifer A. Vencill, PhD., discuss the "Sexual Staircase" to describe the kind of routine, goal-oriented sex that people engage in when they're having sex with their partner (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Improve Intimacy in Your Relationship

What is the Sexual Staircase?

According to Mersey and Vencill, the Sexual Staircase, which is a metaphor, is how most people think sex is "supposed to be."

The Sexual Staircase is a list of hierarchical steps that usually start at the bottom of the staircase with foreplay and ends with sexual intercourse and orgasm.

Depending upon the couple, the sexual acts between foreplay and intercourse can include kissing, caressing, genital touch, oral sex, and so on.

For many people in long term relationships these steps don't deviate. They engage in the same steps in the same way most or all of the time.  

After a while, people in long term relationships often skip some of the steps as they prioritize a goal-oriented approach that always ends with penetrative sex and strives for orgasm.  

Having sex the same way all the time becomes boring after a while (see my article: What is Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships?).

What's the Problem With the Sexual Staircase?

If you and your partner enjoy doing the same thing, the same way all of the time and neither of you have a problem with it, then there's nothing wrong with the Sexual Staircase for you.

But many people find this approach to be too routine and unfulfilling.  The problem is that they think this is the way they're supposed to do it, so they just keep doing it the same way.

People who find the Sexual Staircase boring, sexually unfulfilling or not applicable to them often have the following problems with it:

• It's a heteronormative sex script that focuses on cisgender heterosexual men. For heterosexual men, sexual intercourse is one of the most reliable ways to have an orgasm, but this isn't the case for most women (see below).

• It assumes that most people want penis-in-vagina sex even though there are many people who don't want it or it doesn't work for them because of problems with dyspareunia (persistent or recurrent genital pain that occurs during penetrative sex) or erectile unpredictability (a persistent or recurrent problem with getting and maintaining an erect penis) or because they're not heterosexual (see below).

• Sexual intercourse is the least reliable way for most women to have orgasms because they need direct clitoral stimulation, which they often don't get from sexual intercourse or clitoral stimulation is skipped altogether (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 1 and Part 2).

• The Sexual Staircase emphasizes goal-oriented, performative sex instead of focusing on sexual pleasure (see my article: What is Performative Sex and Why Is It a Problem?).

• In many long term relationships, the Sexual Staircase gets shorter and shorter over time so that there is little or no foreplay, which has a negative impact of women's sexual pleasure. The focus becomes getting sex over and done with it as quickly as possible because it's unsatisfying.

• In addition to problems with painful sex and erectile unpredictability, penetrative sex isn't always possible for a variety of reasons, including childbirth, certain disabilities, age-related physical limitations, surgery or other types of problems.

• When penetrative sex isn't possible (for whatever reason), many couples skip having sex altogether because penetrative sex is the only way they know how to have sex.  Over time, one or both of them become frustrated and dissatisfied.

• The heteronormativity of this model isn't useful for LGBTQ people, as previously mentioned. Many LGBTQ people assume that since they're not having penis-in-vagina sex, they're not having "real sex," which, of course, is false.  This often leads to feelings of shame, guilt and self consciousness about their sexual orientation.

The Wheel Model

The authors of Desire cite the Wheel Model, which was inspired by Robert T. Francoeur in his book, Becoming a Sexual Person (1991).

Picture a wheel that's divided into different sections with sexual activities represented in a non-hierarchical way.  

Rather than the linear, hierarchical model represented in the Sexual Staircase, in the Wheel Model none of the sexual activities has a higher priority over any of the others.  Other than sexual pleasure, there are no goals, which usually means less pressure for both people and more enjoyment.

In addition, with the Wheel Model, people can engage flexibly pick and chooe what they like, in whatever order they like without being constrained to the rigid model of the Sexual Staircase.

The authors provide an example of what sexual activities might be included in the Wheel Model:

• Kissing
• Caressing
• Touching
• Massaging
• Using a sex toy
• Showering together
• Cuddling
• Oral sex
• Orgasm
• Penetrative sex
• Manual stimulation

And more.

The sexual activities included with the Wheel Model are only limited by your imagination.

But this is not to say that you and your partner should engage in the activities they write about or that you should stop having sexual intercourse if it's enjoyable to both of you.  You can do whatever you both enjoy.

The Wheel Model helps to dispel the myth that there's one right way to have sex or that everyone should have the same predetermined sex script.  

Making Changes to Your Sex Script

Once again, I want to reiterate that if you and your partner are happy with your sex script, you can continue using it without a problem.

But if you're stuck in a routine and you're getting tired of doing the same thing over and over again, consider how you can work towards making changes  in your sex script (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

As Emily Nagoski, PhD., sex educator and author of the book, Come As You Are, says, "Pleasure is the measure."

This means "good sex" is what's pleasurable for both of you.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

A skilled sex therapist can help you to overcome sexual problems.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where the focus is on sex and relational problems getting in the way of sexual enjoyment (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?)

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Can You Learn to Trust Your Therapist When You Couldn't to Trust Your Family?

A common dilemma that comes up for people who have been traumatized is how they can trust their therapist when they weren't able to trust their family as they were growing up (see my article: Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families).

Developing a Sense of Trust in Therapy

Traumatized Clients Have Good Reasons Not to Trust

Most trauma therapists know that it often takes a while before a client can feel comfortable enough to open up.  And this makes sense when people grew up in homes where they couldn't trust family members. They have good reason not to trust a stranger right away--even if the stranger is a licensed psychotherapist.  

As a trauma therapist, who has been working with traumatized clients for over 20 years, I recommend that clients who contact me for help start by talking to me for 10-15 minutes on the phone before they set up a 60 minute consultation.

The 60 minute consultation is for them to talk about what they want to work on in a general way without delving too deep into their problem. I also suggest that they use the session to ask questions about how I work, my education and training, and get a sense of whether they feel comfortable enough with me to book another session.

The reason why I emphasize talking in broad terms during the consultation is that I want the client to feel as safe as they can without making themselves so emotionally vulnerable that they feel overly exposed emotionally after the session.

My Own Experience During My Training to Become a Therapist

When I was in training to be a psychotherapist 20+ years ago, I was required to be in my own three-time-a-week psychoanalysis as part of the training process.  This involved having consultations with potential senior therapists who were part of the institute where I trained.  

Since I was aware that these therapists were part of my institute where they taught and supervised students in the program, I wanted to make a good impression and appear to be a worthy therapist-in-training who had enough life experience to empathize with potential clients but also the potential skills to merit passing the training.

But these consultations turned out to be a lot more stressful than I anticipated because these first session involved delving deep into my history and my deepest emotional vulnerability.  

So, never having experienced this before, I walked out of the first consultation feeling like I was in an altered state.  Walking out into the street I felt all my senses felt heightened.  Everything I saw was brighter and noises were louder than usual.  Even though I knew I was having this experience because I had opened up too much, I still felt unsettled.  It was only after I could take a few deep breaths that I calmed down.

I knew that part of this altered experience was a psychological "fishbowl effect" of feeling exposed as a therapist-in-training where I knew I would run into this therapist at the institute and now she knew so much about my early personal history.

Soon after a few initial consultations, I returned to the first therapist I met and told her about the experience I had in the consultation with her.  Just being able to talk to her about it helped tremendously.  She was sincerely apologetic and I felt a lot more comfortable with her.  

During the next two consultations with the same therapist, my experience was completely different.  I felt safe and comfortable with her, and I eventually chose her because we clicked so well in the second and third consultations.

My Consultations With Psychotherapy Clients

I never forgot that experience and I remember it each time a client calls me for help. I usually spend 10-15 minutes talking to them on the phone and then, if they're interested, we set up an initial 60 minute consultation either in person or online (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

I want them to feel as safe, comfortable and in control of what they divulge in that initial consultation.  I also encourage them to ask me questions about the modalities I use and how I might work with their particular issue.  Since I have many different modalities that I use, I usually tell them what it might be like with each modality.

If clients choose to return, I check in with them to find out how they experienced the initial consultation.  If there is anything to process, we talk about it and I listen to what the client needs to feel safe.

During the next few sessions, I gather information about their history as it is relevant to their problem.  This usually includes family and relationship histories and, if they're coming to work on a sexual problem, their sexual history.

When I work with couples, after the initial consultation, I meet with each one individually for one or two sessions to talk about their individual histories.  I also emphasize that it's important for each of them to feel comfortable with me.

Preparation to Do Therapy

If clients come to work on unresolved trauma, after gathering information about their history, I help them to develop coping strategies to deal with whatever might come up in trauma therapy.  Depending upon the client, this could take anywhere from a few sessions to a few months of sessions (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

For instance, if a client already has good coping skills and they have a regular meditation practice or they practice yoga, that they might not need as much preparation as someone who is having panic attacks.  Specifically, the person who is having panic attacks needs help to overcome them before working on trauma.  So, each client will have different needs.

In addition, clients need to feel enough of a sense of trust and safety before they can begin processing trauma (see my article: Trauma Therapy: Why Establishing Safety For the Client is So Important Before Processing Trauma).

Empowering Clients in Therapy

I also let each client know that they are in control of the trauma processing no matter what type of therapy we're doing--whether it's EMDR Therapy, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP, Ego States Therapy or any of the other modalities which I use (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Developing a Sense of Trust in Therapy 

This is important because people who were traumatized weren't in control of their experiences, and new experiences in therapy can make them feel vulnerable.  So, it's important for them to feel empowered during the therapeutic process (see my article: Empowering Clients in Therapy).

I try to work with each client within their window of tolerance, and I'm usually good at tracking how clients are doing in session. But some people are so good at hiding their discomfort (they had a lot of practice since childhood) that they might hide it from me in order to appear to be a compliant client.  So, I encourage clients to tell me, to the extent that they know, before they get to the point of overwhelm, and I teach them how to detect these feelings.

Helping to get clients back to their window of tolerance could mean that the trauma processing stops temporarily in a session so we can do some grounding or containment  exercises and then return to processing the trauma in that session.  Or, it could mean that we stop and debrief for the rest of the session about what might have come up that was so disturbing.  It's up to the client how we proceed (see my article: Riding the Waves From Trauma to Transformation).

When You're Looking For a Therapist, Take It One Step at a Time

The following steps can be helpful when you're looking for a psychotherapist:

• Referrals: Get a referral from a trusted source--like your doctor or personal friend or you can read therapists profiles online on a professional therapist directory.

• Verify License: Make sure whoever you're considering is a licensed mental health professional. You can do this by looking up and verifying their name online in your particular state's professional licensing website (therapists are licensed by state).

• Look Beyond Location: I know a lot of people choose therapists based on geographic location these days and, while I understand the importance of convenience, I would encourage you to look beyond location.  As long as the therapist is licensed in your state, you can choose anyone, but looking up therapists based on whether they are walking distance from your home or office shouldn't be the sole criteria for choosing a therapist.

• Talk to Them: Take the time to speak with the therapist on the phone for a few minutes to find out if s/he has the expertise for your presenting problem.  You also might want to know how long they're practicing and what professional training they have.

• Do a Full Session Consultation: Do at least one initial consultation with the therapist and get a sense of whether you feel comfortable. This doesn't mean you're necessarily going to feel completely comfortable since, after all, you're speaking to a stranger.  It might take a few sessions to know if you feel a connection with a therapist.

Once You Begin Therapy: Tell Your Therapist If There's Anything That's Bothering You About the Therapy

Once if you've begun therapy, let your therapist know if anything has come up that's bothering. you (see my article: How to Talk to Your Therapist About Something That's Bothering You About Your Therapy).

Many people feel too intimidated to talk to their therapist about things that make them feel uncomfortable in the session or they don't know how to do it.  They're afraid the therapist will take it personally or that it might damage the therapeutic relationship.

This problem often originates in clients' history where, as children, they couldn't tell their family about things that made them feel uncomfortable. Back then, it might have been emotionally and/or physically dangerous to do this.  So, being able to talk to your therapist about misattunements or an empathic failure is an important part of your personal growth.

Once clients and their therapist work through any misattunement or other rupture, they often discover that the therapeutic relationship is enhanced when these ruptures get repaired in session (see my article:  Ruptures and Repairs Between You and Your Therapist).

If a therapist is unwilling to talk about a misattunement or rupture, this is often an indication that this isn't the right therapist for you.

Also, remember that not every therapist works well with every client, so even though the therapist might come highly recommended to you by someone you trust, you have to trust your own sense as to whether the therapist is the right for you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Getting help in therapy can feel like a daunting process, but it's less daunting than continuing to suffer with unresolved problems that are having a negative impact on you now.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.