Relationships: Exploring Different Aspects of Yourself Through Sexual Role Play

I began a discussion about sexual role play in a prior article, What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?.  

Exploring Different Parts of Yourself Through Role Play

In the current article I'm focusing on one of the benefits of role play, which is exploring the many different aspects of yourself and how this exploration can free you and your partner to talk about your sexual fantasies and, possibly, act out some of these fantasies (see my article: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself Who Make You Who You Are).

(As a reminder:  This article and other similar articles about sex is not meant as clinical advice.)

Exploring Different Parts of Yourself Through Sexual Role Play

• Think About Your Sexual Fantasies and Write Them Down on Your Own: This is something that each of you can do on your own privately. If you feel unsure about your fantasies, reframe it for yourself by thinking about what you might be sexually curious about.  Writing them down in an erotic journal helps you to get clear about what you're curious about. Thinking in terms of sexual curiosity instead of labeling your thoughts as fantasies can help to open you up to this type of sexual self exploration (see my article: Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

Write Down Your Role Play Fantasies in Your Erotic Journal

• Think About What Aspects of Yourself You Might Want to Explore: People who have difficulty talking about sex with their partner about role play often find it easier to talk when they're thinking about themselves as someone else (instead of being oneself) like a character from a movie or a novel.  It's like being an actor who is stepping into a role in a script.  This character might be an aspect of yourself that you've never explored but that you're curious about.

• Talk About Sexual Role Play With Your Partner Before You Try It: Before you actually get into a role play, it's a good idea for you and your partner to talk first.  You want to make sure that you're both on the same page and consenting to whatever you decide to do.  When you're in the talking phase, you can explore your sexual fantasies and get clear on which ones you want to explore and which ones you want to remain as only fantasies.  Just talking about fantasies can be a sexual turn-on.  Be patient if either of you feels shy.  Think of it as a process and go slow if necessary (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Choose Which Fantasies You Both Want to Role Play: If you and your partner come up with mutual fantasies that you would like to explore, make a plan as to which fantasies you want to role play and which ones you just want to talk about.  Make sure that both of you are comfortable with whatever you have mutually chosen especially if you're both new to role playing.  If either of you isn't interested, you can say so without being judgmental or critical (see my article: Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum). You can also take turns at different times role playing what each of you would like as long as you're both somewhat interested in the other's fantasy role play.

• Keep It Simple At First: If you've never done a sexual role play, start with something simple so you can give yourself a chance to ease into it and get comfortable.  Role playing is on a spectrum. You don't need to start with elaborate costumes or sexual props. You can start with something as simple as using different names.  

• Approach Role Playing With an Attitude of Curiosity and Playfulness: Even though you might be anxious if this is your first time, remember that role playing is meant to be fun, so approach it with an attitude of curiosity and playfulness.  

Be Sexually Curious and Playful

• Be Kind With Yourself and Your Partner: If role playing is new to you, be aware that things might not go as planned, but if you're being curious, playful and kind, you can get through any awkward moments and you might even laugh about it.

• Know You Can Stop the Role Play at Any Time: In addition to allowing you to explore different aspects of yourself, sexual role play is meant to be fun and one way to expand your sexual repertoire and sex script.  But once you're into a role play, if either of you feels you don't want to do it, you can stop.  Make sure you have this agreement beforehand so neither person is taken by surprise.  

• Talk About the Role Play Afterwards: It's a good idea to talk afterwards about what each of you found fun, awkward, uncomfortable, what you might want to do again or not, and so on.

Vignette: Sexual Role Play as a Way to Explore Different Aspects of Yourself

The following vignette is one example of many as to how a couple can explore the different parts of themselves through role play:

Ida and Joe

After five years of marriage, although they had a healthy sex life, Ida and Joe were eager to explore sexual role play. 

They decided to each explore on their own what they were sexually curious about, so they took time to each think about and write down their ideas.

When Ida thought about what she might want to explore, she realized she was often uncomfortable trying new things sexually and, as she thought about it, she realized that if she played another character, she might feel more empowered to do it.  

So, she came up with a character who was a high powered woman who was sexually forward.  The more she thought about what this character would be like, the more Ida got excited about it.

When Joe thought about what he might want to explore sexually, he realized he was excited about being in a more passive role because during the day he had a lot of responsibilities for the financial well-being of his company.  He had to make important decisions and oversee key employees and the financial operation, so he would welcome a chance to allow Ida to be in charge.

So, he came up with a character who was more sexually passive than he would normally be with Ida.  He wanted her to tell him what to do for a change.  

When Ida and Joe shared their ideas, they were thrilled to discover that the characters they had chosen fit together so well.  

They worked together to come up with a scenario they could play at home where Ida comes into a bar as a successful businesswoman who is on a business trip, sees Joe sitting at the bar having a drink and she picks him up.  In this scenario, he is a somewhat shy and passive man and he's hesitant at first, but she's relentless in pursuing him and she eventually takes him back to her hotel room.

Since it was their first time doing a sexual role play, they decided to keep it simple without costumes and props.  

They were both a little uncomfortable at first, but they were mostly excited.  At first, they each stumbled a little until they got into it and then they forgot their self consciousness.  

After they had de-roled from their characters and they were resting in each other's arms, they agreed it was the most exciting sex they had experienced in a long time.  

Over the next several days, they talked about what they liked and what they wanted to change.  

Joe enjoyed being in a passive role for a change and allowing himself to be seduced. And Ida felt powerful and sexy being in the role as the woman who seduced Joe.  They also talked about what other roles they might want to explore.

Both of them agreed that doing that role play allowed them to explore different aspects of themselves.

Conclusion

Sexual role play can be fun and freeing because it provides an opportunity to use your imagination and explore different parts of yourself.  

Sometimes these aspects are different from your everyday personality.  Other times they might be aspects you didn't even realize were part of you.

If you're new to sexual role play, going slowly and taking a step-by-step approach allows you explore your sexuality in a way that feels safe and comfortable.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article:  What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you're having sexual problems, rather than struggling on your own, get help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With a Sexual Rejection From Your Partner

Conflicts are normal and inevitable in a committed relationship. After all, when two people are in a serious relationship, it's common for them to disagree about how they feel.

What's most important is how the couple communicates and how these conflicts get resolved (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship by Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

Coping With Sexual Rejection

Turning Down Your Partner's Sexual Initiation

Sexual disagreements are common in relationships especially when one person is initiating and the other person doesn't feel like having sex at that point (see my article: What is Your Sexual Initiation Style?).

For instance, a common problem in relationships is discrepant desire where one person wants sex more often than the other.  The conflict might be about sexual frequency, what the couple does in bed and other important aspects of sexuality (see my article: Sexual Desire Discrepancy: What to Do If You and Your Partner Have Different Sex Drives).

You should never engage in sex that you don't want.  It's important that sex be consensual, and by consensual I mean enthusiastically consensual (see my article: What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?).

Coping With a Sexual Rejection

So, this means that there will be times in a long term relationship when one partner might not want to have sex that is initiated by the other partner.  This is a normal part of any relationship.  

Although rejection can be hard to take, how the rejection is given and how the other partner responds is important in terms of this issue not becoming a much bigger problem.

For instance, one person might want to have sex a few times a week and the other person might only want to have sex once a week at the most.  Or, one person might want to engage in a particular sexual activity and the other partner might not be turned on by that.  These are common problems in relationships.

A sexual rejection can be especially hurtful because it can bring up emotional insecurities about being unattractive or being sexually inept.  So, how the partner, who doesn't want to engage in sex, communicates is important.

Also, be aware that if you're rejecting your partner's sexual initiation often, this could point to other problems in the relationship.  According to Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin, who wrote, Sex Talks, if you're turning down your partner a lot, you might have unspoken resentment towards your partner that's making you want to distance yourself sexually and, possibly, emotionally.  So, this is an important factor to consider and communicate to your partner.

In addition, you might not enjoy certain things your partner does in bed. This also needs to be communicated in a tactful and empathetic way by emphasizing what you would enjoy instead of criticizing your partner.

What Are the Different Types of Rejection?

• Reassuring Rejection: A reassuring rejection, where you reassure your partner that you love them, you're still attracted to them and you have enjoyed sex with them (assuming all of this is true), helps your partner to avoid personalizing your rejection.  You might also be willing to do other things like cuddle or do something else that helps to reassure your partner and maintain the emotional connection between the two of you.  Instead of just saying "No," if you're not feeling well, for instance, tell your partner that and suggest when the two of you can be sexually intimate again another time.  Be specific and plan a time to have sex (see my article: The Benefits of Scheduling Sex).

Coping With a Sexual Rejection

• Hostile Rejection: A hostile rejection often includes anger, frustration, impatience,  criticism or contempt. It can also include the "silent treatment" which is also known as stonewalling (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?)

• Assertive Rejection: An assertive rejection makes your point, but it often comes across as too direct and devoid of feeling for your partner.  Although you're being honest about how you feel, you're also disregarding their feelings.

• Deflecting Rejection: A deflecting rejection is when you pretend you don't know your partner is interested in sex. You might pretend to be asleep to avoid dealing with the issue. You might also deflect verbally by changing the subject and avoiding your partner's sexual initiation. Your partner will probably recognize that you're deflecting and feel hurt about it.

It's obvious from the descriptions above that the best way to handle rejecting your partner is to give your partner reassurance. Your partner might still feel hurt, but this is part of being in a relationship and a reassuring rejection is much more tactful and empathetic than any of the others.

Coping With a Sexual Rejection From Your Partner

Assuming your partner has given you a reassuring rejection where they tell you that they love you, they're still attracted to you and they usually enjoy sex with you, how you respond to the rejection can either help maintain the overall well-being of your relationship or, if you respond by getting angry and frustrated, it can hurt your relationship.

Sexual rejection can trigger old unresolved emotional wounds that make you feel inadequate--like you're "not good enough" or "not lovable."  In the moment, it can be hard to distinguish your old emotional wounds from the current situation.  So, you might need to take time to calm yourself and get some perspective (see my article: Healing Old Emotional Wounds That Are Affecting Your Relationship).

Coping With a Sexual Rejection

For the overall health of the relationship, it can be destructive to respond to a reassuring sexual rejection with hostility, anger, frustration or by stonewalling.

If you give your partner a negative or hostile response, you're communicating to your partner that you're unable to tolerate their feelings when they don't want sex when you do.  

You probably wouldn't do this in other areas of your life together. For instance, if you want to go out for Italian food and your partner prefers Japanese food, you probably would try to compromise--you'll have Japanese food today and they'll agree to have Italian food next week.  

The problem is that when it comes to sex, people often experience rejection as a wound to their sexual self esteem because sex is the most intimate experience you and your partner can have and you're emotionally vulnerable, so a rejection can feel especially wounding.  

But if sex is normally good between you and everything else in the relationship is basically going well, you need to learn to tolerate an occasional rejection without retaliating against your partner or trying to even the score if you want your relationship to work.

Improving Sexual Communication

When you're feeling calm, you can communicate to your partner that, while you respect your partner's right to turn down sex when they don't want it, you feel badly about the rejection and you want to talk about it when you're both feeling up to it.

Coping With a Sexual Rejection

This talk shouldn't be used as a ploy to make your partner feel ashamed or guilty.  It's a discussion where each of you can talk openly and find out how you each feel about sex between you.

If your partner is tired or not feeling well, for instance, don't try to pressure them to have sex at that time. Be kind and considerate.  After all, if you're in a committed relationship, there will be other opportunities to have sex.

How you respond to their sexual rejection can make all the difference to the emotional and sexual connection between the two of you.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If the problem isn't just a passing thing, that's a different matter.  

For instance, if your partner has either lost interest in sex or there's another significant problem, you could benefit from seeking help in sex therapy.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no physical exam, touching or sex during sex therapy session (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy is for individual adults and couples who seek help for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Many couples wait until their sexual problems get worse before they seek help.  So, it's important to know that the sooner you seek help in sex therapy, the better the chances are for working through these problems.

If you're having sexual problems, seek help so you can improve your sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: The Benefits of Scheduling S£x

Most people think that spontaneous sex is the best kind of sex--this is sex that occurs in the heat of the moment when two people can't keep their hands off each other no matter what they're doing and where they are. 

 

The Benefits of Scheduling Sex

Spontaneous sex is the kind of sex that you see in movies where the characters suddenly rip each other's clothes off because they can't wait one more moment to have sex (see my article: Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire With the Sex Drive Simmer Technique).

But the reality for most people is that they're leading such busy lives that sex is often neglected or put last after taking care of the kids, doing the chores, work and other demands on their lives--especially for people in long term relationships.

When a couple hasn't had sex in a while, it can be hard to get back into it and, for many couples, even harder to talk about it (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Usually it's the person with the stronger sex drive that brings it up in a tentative, half-joking way so as not to get hurt by the possibility of a rejection.

Then person, who might have a lower sex drive, feels guilty and burdened by their partner's need for sex.  The person with the lower sex drive might acquiesce to having more sex, but they often don't enjoy it because they feel like they're doing it for their partner instead of being something that they want for themselves as well as for the relationship.

The Benefits of Scheduled Sex

Many couples who come to see me in my private practice in New York City seek help because they're either having infrequent sex, unsatisfying sex or no sex at all.  

The Benefits of Scheduling Sex

They will often say that they had a great sex life when the relationship was new and before they got busy in their lives with their children and other responsibilities.  But, over time, sex became less of a priority--until so much time had passed that it felt too difficult to initiate sex again (see my articles: What is Your Sexual Initiation Style? and What If You and Your Partner Have Different Initiation Styles?).

Sex therapists often recommend that couples, who find themselves in this situation, experiment with scheduling sex.  Many people respond dubiously to this recommendation, but there are many benefits to scheduling sex.

In addition, what probably seemed like "spontaneous sex" when two people were dating wasn't really so spontaneous.  First of all, there's planning involved with dating, including choosing an activity, what clothes to wear, daydreaming about what it will be like, planning a day to meet and deciding on the question of "Your place or mine?" 

So, what seemed like it was "spontaneous sex" when you were dating was actually a planned sexual activity with a buildup of anticipation, sexual energy and dopamine (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

Once you're living together and you're seeing each other all the time, you lose a lot of the anticipation, sexual energy and dopamine because the two of you are spending a lot of time together. You've become familiar to each other--like family, and that takes away much of the mystery and excitement (see my article: The Madonna-Whore Complex is Still Alive and Well Today).

Once you're spending a lot of time together, the two of you need to find ways to create that sexual excitement and scheduling sex (as unsexy as it might sound at first) is one way to do this.

So, let's look at the benefits of scheduling sex with your partner?

• Making a Commitment to Prioritize Sex: Often when a couple doesn't schedule sex, it doesn't happen because you both get busy. Life has a way of crowding out sex, so you keep putting it off until a lot of time has passed. So, when you make a commitment to have sex on certain days or at certain times, you're more likely to follow through with it if it's important to both of you.

The Benefits of Scheduling Sex

• Creating Longing and Anticipation: One of the primary benefits of scheduling sex is that you both get to look forward to it with longing and anticipation. This helps to stimulate sexual excitement that builds from the time you scheduled it to the time you have sex.

• Giving You Time to Think About What You Might Enjoy: Just like planning a vacation can be half the fun, giving yourself time to think about what you might enjoy sexually helps to get you in the mood for sex and adds to your enjoyment.

• Reviving Your Sexual and Emotional Connection: In a prior article, I mentioned that some people need to feel an emotional connection to have sex and others need to have sex to feel the emotional connection. If you both know that there is a time to have sex, you can look forward to both the emotional and sexual connection (see my article: Whereas Women Often Need an Emotional Connection to Connect Sexually, Men Often Need Sex to Connect Emotionally).

The Benefits of Scheduling Sex

• Helping You Avoid Future Dry Spells: When you have scheduled a time to have sex, you're more likely to avoid dry spells where long periods of time go by before you have sex again. The longer you wait to have sex, the more difficult it is to get going again.

• Providing a Time and Place to Explore, Experiment and Be Playful: Maybe one of the reasons you and your partner might have entered into a dry spell was because you both got into a sexual rut where you did the same things over and over again until these sexual activities got boring. If you have agreed on a time to have sex, you can also use that time to be playful and explore other aspects of sex.  Maybe you'll try a new sex toy or a sexual position you haven't tried before. Maybe you'll talk about your sexual fantasies or do a role play you would both enjoy. Whatever you try that's new, it's a chance to add novelty to your sex life to keep it fun and exciting (see my article: The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in Your Relationship).

• Decreasing Stress: Sex can be a great way to relieve stress.  Many people talk about how relaxed and refreshed they feel after having sex--whether they have an orgasm or not.

How to Schedule Sex

• Find a Day and Time That Works For Both of You: Whether you choose certain days and times on a weekly basis or you plan it from week to week, talk to your partner about times to have sex when it's convenient for both of you. You might need to negotiate the time too because it's not unusual for one person to be a morning person and the other to be a night owl so you'll need to find a compromise. Then, once you've decided on the schedule, write it down in a shared calendar.

• Stick With the Schedule as Best as You Can: Aside from emergencies, try to stick to the schedule so that each of you show your commitment to yourself and each other.  This doesn't mean that if the days you planned turn out not to work that you can't change it. But don't give up your scheduled sex time to accommodate other friends and family for non-urgent matters.

• Be Flexible About Your Sexual Activities: If you and your partner made a plan to have sex every Saturday night and Sunday morning, be flexible about what you plan to do. Depending upon your energy level, sexual activities can mean different things--it doesn't always mean intercourse.  For instance, on some days when you're feeling energetic and you have more time, you might plan to spend a few hours in bed experimenting with role plays or sex toys with lots of foreplay.  Other days, when you're tired, you might both be in the mood for a quickie or spend the time engaging in oral sex. So, try to expand your definition of sex beyond intercourse to accommodate both of your moods and energy (see my article: Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Prelude to Sexual Intercourse).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you have tried to improve your sex life without success, you could benefit from sex therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy. There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

Many individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: What If You and Your Partner Have Different Sexual Initiation Styles?

In my last article, Relationships: What is Your Sexual Initiation Style?, I introduced the idea of sexual initiation styles.  In the current article, I'm addressing a problem that frequently comes up in sex therapy, which is dealing with different sexual initiation styles in your relationship.

Sexual Initiation Styles

Disclaimer: Before I continue, I want to remind people that this is a short article with general information for a complex topic, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer for everyone. This article isn't a substitute for therapy. The best way to resolve your sexual problems is to seek help directly from a sex therapist.

Similar to some of the previous articles, the information in this article is based on what I have observed in my sex therapy private practice in New York City as well as Vanessa Marin's wonderful book, Sex Talks.

Recap of Sexual Initiation Styles

In the previous article, I discussed the different sexual initiation styles in detail as they are outlined in Ms. Marin's book.  As I mentioned in the last article, there is no one style that's better than another.

You or your partner might not fit neatly into one category or another. You might be a combination of categories or maybe sometimes one or both of you might be more in the mood to initiate in a certain way that's different from how you normally initiate.

What's most important is for you and your partner to start thinking about these initiation styles to become aware of them and how to make them work for you as a couple.

As a recap, Ms. Marin discusses the following sexual initiation styles in her book (for a more detailed explanation, see my previous article):

• "Excite Me" (The Slow Burn): You like sexual energy to simmer and build over time (see my article: The Sex Drive Simmer).

• "Take Care of Me" (The Caretaker): You need to feel nurtured by your partner.

• "Play With Me" (Let's Have Some Fun): You get sexually turned on when your partner is playful and fun.

• "Desire Me" (Wanting to Be Wanted): To get in the mood for sex, you need to feel desired.

• "Connect With Me" (Let's Talk): You need emotional intimacy before sexual intimacy.

• "Touch Me" (Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me): You get turned on by physical touch, which makes you feel sexually alive.

What If You and Your Partner Have Different Sexual Initiation Styles?

For many people just thinking about their sexual initiation style is daunting. It takes self reflection and feedback from your partner.  This would be the same for your partner.

Although it might seem intimidating at first, knowing your own and your partner's sexual initiation style can resolve many sexual problems that couples have.

For instance, if you're turned off by a partner who approaches you without any foreplay and says, "Hey babe, do you wanna do it?," it's helpful to be able to tell your partner how you prefer to be approached (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Different Sexual Initiation Styles

On the other hand, you might be someone who gets turned on by the "Do you wanna do it?" approach. But for many people, especially women, this would be a turn off (see my article: Based on Sex Research: What Gets Women Sexually Turned On?).

Similarly, if you're the one who always initiates, you might wonder if your partner is just having sex to appease you. You might want your partner to initiate sex sometimes just to know your partner wants you sexually, and you need to be able to communicate this to your partner.

According to Ms. Marin, it's best to think of sexual initiation as an invitation. 

She provides an interesting example that often doesn't work for couples who haven't had sex in a while where one partner, who is anxious about initiating sex says something like, "Gee, we haven't had sex in a while. You don't wanna do it, do you?" in a half-hearted way.

Not only is this awkward for both people, it's also not much an invitation at all.

As a comparison, she mentions that most people wouldn't invite a friend out to dinner in a similarly half-hearted way, "Gee we haven't seen each other in a while. You wouldn't wanna go out to dinner, would you?"

Instead, if you wanted to see your friend and you looked forward to having dinner with them, you would be a lot more enthusiastic. Aside from providing a more enthusiastic invitation, you might tell your friend about the great new Italian restaurant in the neighborhood with delicious ravioli as a way to entice them to go.

Similarly, your invitation to your partner needs to be enticing and also make them feel sexually desirable and turned on (see my articles: What is Your Erotic Blueprint? - Part 1 and Part 2).

Clinical Vignette: A Couple With Different Sexual Initiation Styles

The following clinical scenario is based on a composite of cases with all identifying information removed. The scenario illustrates how each partner learns about their own and their partner's sexual initiation style in sex therapy and how this improves their sex life:

Nina and John

A year into their relationship, after the new relationship energy had worn off, Nina and John began having sexual problems.

During the first several months of their relationship, they both felt sexually passionate so it didn't matter who initiated or how they initiated because they were both eager to have sex with each other all the time.

This initial phase of a relationship is called the limerence phase--an involuntary period when two people are infatuated and often obsessed with each other.  Generally, the limerence phase lasts anywhere from three months to two years.

After Nina and John moved in together and they had more mundane concerns, like who cleans the bathroom and who takes out the garbage. Seeing each other everyday and dealing with the realities of everyday life caused the sexual energy between them to cool down--as it does for most couples after the limerence phase.

Both of them were in their mid-30s and neither of them had ever been in a long term relationship before, so they never experienced what it was like to go beyond the limerence phase of a relationship.

After a year, sex was awkward between them. Nina often felt exhausted late at night and she resented when John would tap on her thigh when they were in bed together late at night as a way to initiate sex.

Most of the time, Nina would tell John she was just too tired. But on those occasions when she agreed to have sex, she wasn't turned on at all. She just went along with it to please him--hoping that he would have an orgasm so she could go to sleep.  

John was aware that Nina wasn't turned on and this made him anxious. Sometimes the anxiety and the feeling that Nina didn't want him sexually would cause him to lose his erection due to his sexual anxiety (see my article: How Sex Therapy Can Help With Sexual Anxiety).

So, due to feeling rejected and anxious and a fear of losing his erection, John rushed through sex as quickly as he could. He didn't engage in any foreplay because he knew that Nina wanted to just get it over with so she could go to sleep.

Afterwards, they each laid in bed feeling empty and alone before they drifted off to sleep.  Since they didn't know how to talk to each other about sex, the problem worsened over time.

Eventually, after a few months went by without sex, John summoned the courage to tell Nina that they needed to get help in sex therapy for their problem.  He was relieved when Nina agreed.

After the initial family and sexual history taking phase of sex therapy, their sex therapist explained the limerence phase and how sex tends to be less spontaneous and passionate than it was before. 

She also explained that, based on how each of them described their sexuality, Nina experienced responsive sexual desire and John experienced spontaneous sexual desire, which was a big part of the problem between them (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Desire and Responsive Sexual Desire Are Both Normal).

Then, their sex therapist went over their typical sex script, which didn't vary much from one sexual encounter to the next, and Nina and John both began to realize why sex wasn't working for them (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Over time, Nina and John learned what turned each of them on and what turned each of them off (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

John realized that Nina just went along with sex because she was usually too tired when he initiated sex late at night and she wasn't turned on.

Nina realized when John saw that she was just trying to get it over with, he felt anxious and rejected.

As they continued to attend their sex therapy sessions, they both learned how they each liked sex to be initiated.

Nina realized she needed to feel emotionally connected to John first before she became sexually aroused because her style was "Connect With Me." She told John that she needed to re-establish the emotional connection with him when they both got home from work before feeling comfortable enough to enjoy sex.  

She also needed to have sex earlier in the evening. And, like most women, she didn't have an orgasm from just sexual intercourse--she needed clitoral stimulation (see my article: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Heterosexual Women and Men).

John realized that he was more of a "Touch Me" sexual style.  All he needed was Nina to touch him--even in a non-sexual way--and that touch combined with his spontaneous sexual desire was enough to get him turned on if he knew Nina wanted to have sex.  They were also able to talk about those times when he felt anxious about initiating with her and how that resulted in his loss of an erection.

Their sex therapist encouraged John and Nina to change their sex script (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

Since Nina needed more time to get sexually aroused, the sex therapist encouraged John to slow down, take the time to connect with Nina after they both got home from work and allow  sexual foreplay to take precedence over intercourse (see my article: Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Prelude to Sexual Intercourse).  

She encouraged John and Nina to be more playful in their sexual exploration and not to assume that their initial attempts would be successful right away.

After a while, John was still primarily the one who initiated sex, which both he and Nina didn't mind.  But he was much more aware of what Nina needed in terms of his sexual initiation to feel sexually turned on.  He spent more time with sexual foreplay, including oral sex. 

Combining Sexual Initiation Styles

And, once she was turned on, Nina enjoyed engaging in John's preferred "Touch Me" style.  On days when she initiated sex, Nina was able to ask John to cuddle and talk with her first before she did what she knew got him turned on, including oral sex.

When John felt how much Nina wanted him, he no longer felt anxious and rejected so he didn't have erectile problems.

Although it might sound like they were able to resolve their sexual problems in a short time, in reality, discovering your own and your partner's sexual likes and dislikes takes time. 

For many couples just being able to talk about sex is a major obstacle to overcome.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no touch, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

If you're struggling with sexual problems, rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more enjoyable sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email.

Relationships: What is Your Sexual Initiation Style?

I'm continuing to focus on the book, Sex Talks, by Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin with the topic of sexual initiation styles (see my related articles listed at the end of this article).

Problems With Sexual Initiation in Long Term Relationships

During the early stage of a relationship the excitement and passion of new relationship energy often helps to facilitate sexual initiation.

Sexual Initiation Styles

This is the stage when sex occurs often and easily because you're responding to each other's sexual vibes. 

It's also the stage when neither of you are worried about who will initiate because you know you're feeling a sexual yearning and can't keep your hands off each other (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

But as passion naturally settles over time, the issue of who initiates sex can become problematic in relationships (see my article: Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships).

So, it's important to understand your own and your partner's sexual initiation style.  

So, let's consider the six sexual initiation styles as described in Sex Talks.

What is Your Sexual Initiation Style?

According to Vanessa Marin, you might identify with one or more of these sexual initiation styles or you might discover that you're either a combination of certain styles or what you like might depend on your mood.  

As you read over these sexual initiation styles, consider what resonates with you and how this compares with your partner's style.

• "Excite Me" (The Slow Burn): To feel sexual desire, you need sexual energy to simmer and build over time. You enjoy sexual longing and anticipation. You're not as likely to respond to a request to hop into bed. You prefer a build up of playful energy during a romantic evening with sexy glances, flirty banter and sensual touches.  This erotic build up can help to get you in the mood (see my article: Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire Using the Sex Drive Simmer Technique).

Sexual Initiation Styles: "Excite Me"

• "Take Care of Me" (The Caretaker): For you to feel sexual, you need to feel nurtured by your partner. You might have so much on your mind that you need to feel taken care of by your partner in order to get in the mood for sex. So, if your partner is especially loving and nurturing, you can relax and ease into a sexy mood. 

Sexual Initiation Style: Take Care of Me

• "Play With Me" (Let's Have Some Fun): You get sexually turned on when your partner is playful and fun. Part of your personal eroticism is humor and your partner making you laugh. Laughing helps to ease tension and stress so you can relax into having sex. You love having an inside joke with your partner or a fun, sexy secret that only the two of you understand. Humor is an emotional aphrodisiac for you (see my article: Do You Remember What It Was Like to Have Fun in Your Relationship? Try a Little Playfulness).

Sexual Initiation Style: Play With Me

• "Desire Me" (Wanting to Be Wanted): To get into the mood for sex, you need to feel desired. You want your partner to show you that you're irresistibly sexy and desirable. Your partner can show this through glances, words, touches and behavior like spontaneous kissing or pushing you up against the wall for sex. You like to feel the immediacy of your partner's desire. Not only do they want you--they want you right now (see my article: Based on Sex Research: What Gets a Women Turned On?).

Sexual Initiation Styles: Desire Me

• "Connect With Me" (Let's Talk): Getting sexually turned on for you involves emotional connection. You need emotional intimacy before you're ready for sexual intimacy. Sharing an emotional moment through an intimate talk and feeling that your partner is emotionally attuned to you is an aphrodisiac for you (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy).

Sexual Initiation Styles: Connect With Me

• "Touch Me" (Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me): Physical touch is what turns you on and makes you feel sexually alive. Physical touch can mean passionate kissing, sensual massage or cuddling.  You might be someone who experiences spontaneous sexual desire if your partner knows how to touch you in a way that makes that spark come alive for you (see my article: Savoring Pleasure).

Sexual Initiation Styles: Touch Me

What If You and Your Partner Have Different Sexual Initiation Styles?

It's not unusual for two people in a relationship to have different sexual initiation styles.  This will be the subject of my next article: What If You and Your Partner Have Different Sexual Initiation Styles?

Conclusion

Knowing your own and your partner's sexual initiation style can revive sex in a long term relationship where sexual energy needs to be revived.

As previously mentioned, you can have more than one sexual initiation style or a combination of styles depending upon your mood, the context, who you're with, and various other factors.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

People seek help from sex therapists, who are licensed mental health professionals, for many different reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no touch, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

My Previous Articles Based on the Sex Talks:

How Women Can Be More Assertive About Getting Their Sexual Needs Met

Understanding Why You and Your Partner Might Experience Differences in Sexual Arousal: Spontaneous and Responsive Arousal

Sexual Exploration: Substitute the Words: "What's Your Fantasy" with "What Are You Sexually Curious About?"

Keeping Sex Alive in Your Relationship is a Team Sport

Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire Using the Sex Drive Simmer Technique