Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a time to get together with family and friends to celebrate and express gratitude for all that we have in our lives.

Even when we're going through rough times, we can usually find simple things in our lives that we can feel grateful for.

Keeping a gratitude journal where we keep track of the daily blessings in our lives can help to shift our perspective from one of pessimism to a more optimistic point of view.

Taking the time to write down even two or three things we're grateful for each day can help us to notice positive things that we might otherwise take for granted.

Wishing everyone a happy, healthy and safe Thanksgiving.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at 212 726-1006.

What to Do If You and Your Partner Have Different Love Languages

In my prior article, What Are the 5 Love Languages?, I began a discussion about Dr. Gary Chapman's book, The 5 Love Languages - The Secret to Love That Lasts, by identifying and defining the concept of love languages (see my article: Understanding Your Emotional Needs).

In the current article I'll be discussing how individuals in relationships give and receive love and what to do if your partner's love language is different from your own (see my articles: Love Maps: How Well Do You Know Your Partner? and Learning About Yourself in Your Relationship).

What to Do If You Have Different Love Languages?

What Are the 5 Love Languages?

To summarize briefly from my prior article:  Most people have a combination of the five love languages, but they usually have one that is primary, including:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Acts of Service
• Gifts
• Physical Touch

• Words of Affirmation: If your primary way of feeling loved and appreciated is through words, you want to hear your partner tell you say "I love you."  You also want to be complimented and hear other expressions of love.  

• Quality Time: If quality time is most important to you, you want to spend time with your partner without distractions.  You want your partner to be fully present, actively listening and attuned to your feelings.

• Acts of Service: Acts of service include things your partner does for you that make your life easier, like taking care of chores. For you, action speaks louder than words.

• Gifts: If your primary love language is gifts, you feel most loved when your partner makes the effort to give you gifts that are symbolic of their love for you.  

• Physical Touch: When physical touch is your primary love language, you want to feel loved and appreciated with intimate touch that includes holding hands, hugs, cuddling, kisses and sex.

Communicating Your Emotional Needs to Your Partner

It's common for individuals to show their love in the way that's most meaningful to them but not necessarily meaningful to their partner.  

So, for instance, for a husband whose primary love language is acts of service, he might show his love for his wife by mowing the lawn or doing the laundry. He probably assumes that since these acts are most meaningful to him, they are also primary to her.

But what if his wife's primary love language is words of affirmation?  She might appreciate that he does these tasks, but she'll want to hear him tell her that he loves her.  If he doesn't know this and she doesn't communicate it to him, she'll miss hearing these words from him, and the relationship could deteriorate (see my articles: Telltale Signs You're Growing Apart in Your Relationship and How to Get Closer If You've Grown Apart).

That's why it's so important for each individual in a relationship to be able to communicate his or her emotional needs.  But in order to do this, each person needs to know how they feel most loved. That requires that each person take the time to reflect on their emotional needs (see my article: Understanding Your Emotional Needs).

It also requires that each person be able to see beyond what's most meaningful to them to be attuned to their partner's needs.  For example, if an individual notices that his partner comes alive when he hugs her, but she doesn't respond with as much enthusiasm when he does the dishes, he needs to change how he expresses his love.

Clinical Vignette:  What to Do If You and Your Partner Have Different Love Languages

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how a couple can makes changes in how they express love when their partner's love language is different from their own:

Amy and Ted

After 10 years of marriage, Amy and Ted realized they were drifting apart emotionally and sexually.  They still loved each other, but they each felt emotionally disconnected from each other (see my article: Loneliness Within a Relationship).

As a way to rekindle their relationship, Amy suggested they go on vacation--just the two of them instead of their usual way of vacationing with friends.

Amy thought going away together would bring them closer, but after the initial excitement of being in the Bahamas for the first time, they were both bored, uncomfortable and disappointed in the experience.  They started looking for other distractions to avoid being alone, including meeting and spending time with other couples (see my article: Understanding Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships).

By the time they got back from their vacation, both of them knew there was something wrong.  Before the vacation, each of them had assumed that they weren't as close because their lives were so hectic and stressful, but when they had a chance to relax and spend time with each other, they didn't know how to relate to one another.

A few days after they were settled back home, Amy talked to Ted about the emotional distance she sensed between them.  Although Ted usually wasn't as comfortable talking about emotional issues, he agreed that he also sensed the emotional distance and that he had been feeling it for quite some time, but he didn't know how to bring it up.

Their discussion didn't get far because neither of them knew what to say or do about their problem, so Amy suggested they go to couples counseling to try to work on their marriage (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT)?).

Their couples therapist told them their problem wasn't unusual.  As she got to know them as individuals and a couple, the couples therapist realized that each of them had different ways they expressed and wanted to receive love.  She also realized that each of them expressed love in the way that was personally meaningful but not meaningful to the other partner.

Amy learned in couples therapy that, even though she liked elements of all five love languages, she preferred to hear Ted tell her that he loved her.  So, her love language was Words of Affirmation.  

But Ted, whose own love language was physical touch, would try to have sex with Amy before she felt turned on by hearing him tell her that he loved her.  

It wasn't that Amy didn't want to have sex.  It was more a matter that she needed to hear Ted tell her that he loved her before they were sexual, and if she didn't hear him say it, she didn't feel sexually turned on (see my article: Whereas Women Usually Need Emotional Connection to Connect Sexually, Men Often Need Sex to Connect Emotionally).

Ted was confused at first, "But Amy knows I love her.  Why does she need to hear it?" But as he listened to Amy tell him how important it was for her to hear words that affirmed his love for her, he realized he needed to be more aware of what Amy needed and change his way of relating to her.

Ted learned that he also liked elements of all the five love languages, but his preference was physical touch.  He spoke in couples therapy about how he was often disappointed that Amy almost never initiated sex and, worse still, when he tried to initiate sex, she didn't seem interested.  

He said this left him feeling hurt and rejected, and this was why he was hesitant to initiate sex--even when they had more time than usual on their vacation.  He felt even when Amy agreed to have sex, she was just "going through the motions" to appease him, which was a turn off for him.  

As Amy and Ted listened to each other talk about how they felt most loved, they both realized that they needed to make changes in how they interacted with each other, and it might not be so easy.  

Amy agreed with Ted that she often just "went through the motions" when he wanted to be sexual because she needed more time to get turned on than he did, especially if she had a stressful day, and he wasn't taking the time to get her turned on (see my articles:  Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes - Part 1 and Part 2).

She told Ted that she needed to feel relaxed first and ease into sex.  She preferred to start by hearing him tell her that he loved her and spend time cuddling, but he often wanted to have intercourse without expressing affection and without much foreplay (see my articles: Rethinking Foreplay As More Than Just a Prelude to Intercourse).

Ted thought about this, and then he said he would also like to cuddle, but he often felt apprehensive lately about approaching Amy sexually because he sensed she wasn't interested, so he would rush through sex by focusing on having an orgasm, "I guess I just try to get off as quickly as possible to get it over with" (see my articles: Sexual Wellness: What is Performative Sex? and  Changing Your Sex Script).

He said he felt awkward, at this point in their marriage, telling her that he loved her because this wasn't his way of expressing love, but he wanted to improve their relationship, so he would make more of an effort.

Amy told Ted she remembered a time when she enjoyed sex with him when they were both more verbally expressive about their love, so she was also willing to express her love for Ted with more physicality (see my article: Reviving Your Sex Life By Exploring Your Peak Erotic Experiences).

Their couples therapist suggested they set aside time at least once a week to practice these new ways of being together.  At first, they each thought it felt artificial to have specific times to do this, but they soon discovered that if they didn't set aside the time, life would take over and they didn't do it.  So, they both agreed that Friday night was a good time for each of them.

At first, they were awkward with each other.  Ted, who wasn't someone who usually expressed his love in words, felt annoyed with himself for feeling like an awkward teenager when he tried to tell Amy that he loved her.  Amy, who often bristled when Ted tried to touch her in a sexually playful way, also felt uncomfortable at first.

During their next couples therapy session, they talked about how they each felt like they were performing rather than actually feeling emotionally intimate with each other.  But, over time, as they continued to practice each week, they each learned how to relax, look into each other's eyes, and say and do what their partner needed to feel loved.  In turn, they learned to receive their partner's expression of love.

After a while, it felt natural again--similar to how it felt in the early days of their marriage (see my article: How Couples Therapy Can Help You to Form New Bonds of Love).

As time went on, Amy and Ted learned to develop the skills each of them needed to give and receive love (see my article: Developing and Maintaining a Happy Relationship).

Conclusion

As a relationship matures, that initial stage of passion often diminishes.  Ideally, after that early stage of passion, love matures and deepens (see my article: What is Limerence (also known as Infatuation)?

But sometimes couples get into a relationship rut.  Whereas the new relationship energy carried them along at first, they might not be saying and doing the things that enabled their partner to feel loved and appreciated.

There might be so many other things that are competing for their attention, including raising children, stressful jobs, and caregiving responsibilities for older relatives, that they forget to do the things that nurtured their relationship.  

The other possibility is that one or both people in the relationship might never have understood what their partner needed from them with regard to giving and receiving love, but the new relationship energy carried them along during the initial stage of the relationship.

The good news is that people can learn to give and receive love in ways that are personally meaningful to each of them.  Sometimes, when a couple is stuck, they benefit from working with a skilled couples therapist to help them develop these skills.

Psychological Trauma Can Affect a Person's Ability to Give and Receive Love

See my article: How Trauma Can Affect Relationships.

Getting Help in Therapy

There are times when you might need help to overcome problems, especially if you've struggled on your own without success.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise to help you overcome your problems (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are holding you back from living the life you want and deserve.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

 

What Are the 5 Love Languages?

In his book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Relationships That Last, Dr. Gary Chapman discusses the five most common ways that people give and receive love and affection.

What Are the 5 Love Languages?

What Are the 5 Love Languages?

According to Dr. Chapman, the five love languages include:

• Words of Affirmation 
• Quality Time
• Acts of Service
• Gifts
• Physical Touch

Although you might have more than one love language that's meaningful to you, you probably have a primary love language that is most important to you.

If your primary love language is:

• Words of Affirmation: You like to hear verbal acknowledgements of love and affection.  This includes hearing "I love you," compliments, words of appreciation, and words of encouragement.  Verbal and written messages of affection help you to feel loved, understood and appreciated.

• Quality Time: You feel loved and appreciated when your partner wants to spend time with you.  You like your partner to be an active listener and be fully present with you.  You also like to have meaningful conversations without distractions.

• Acts of Service: You believe that actions speak louder than words, and you like to be shown how much your partner cares for you.  You value your partner doing things that make your life easier. This might include your partner doing extra housework, taking the children after you've spent the whole day with them, going grocery shopping and so on.  

• Gifts: You feel most loved when your partner gives you meaningful gifts that are symbolic of their love for you.  For you, it's not about the value of the gift--it's about the thought behind the gift, and you're moved when your partner has made a thoughtful, deliberate choice about a gift that is just right for you.  

• Physical Touch: You feel loved when your partner gives you physical signs of affection, including holding hands, hugging, kissing, cuddling, and having sex.  For you, physical touch is a powerful way to connect emotionally as well as physically.

It's not at all unusual for individuals in a relationship to each have different needs when it comes to how they want to experience their partner's love.  So, it's important to be able to understand and communicate your own needs as well as understand and give to your partner based on their needs.  

Next Article in This Series:

In my next article, I'll discuss how to give and receive love based on your own and your partner's love language: What to Do If You and Your Partner Have Different Love Languages.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people don't know how to identify and communicate what they need to their partners.  Often this is because they didn't get what they needed when they were younger, so they're not used to having their needs met.  

Other people, who might have grown up in childhood homes where family members didn't express love or affection, feel uncomfortable expressing or receiving love.  

Working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome these obstacles so you can give and receive love.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients to overcome these obstacles.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

How to Use the Wheel of Emotions

The Wheel of Emotions was developed by Dr. Robert Plutchik, who was a professor at Albert Einstein College of Medicine and an adjunct professor at the University of Florida.  His research included the study of emotions (see my articles: Learning to Sense Your Emotions and How Experiential Psychotherapy Can Enhance Emotional Development in Adults).

The 8 Primary Emotions

According to Dr. Plutchik, there are eight primary emotions:

• Anger
• Fear
• Sadness
• Disgust
• Surprise
• Anticipation
• Trust 
• Joy

These emotions are considered primary, according to Dr. Plutchik, because they have survival value (see my article: Understanding Primary Emotions).

For instance, fear has survival value because when this emotion is triggered, it can save your life due to the flight-fight response.

What is the Wheel of Emotion?

Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

Plutchik's Concepts:

• Limbic System/Midbrain: The midbrain (or limbic system) of humans is similar to the midbrain of other mammals.  Humans and other mammals experience the same emotions.

• Evolutionary History: Emotions developed long before humans existed.  They have evolutionary value as part of survival.

• Survival Role: Survival is the primary evolutionary role of emotions.

• Combinations of Emotions: Combining primary emotions will create new emotions.  For example, joy and trust = love.

• Opposites: As can be seen from the Wheel of Emotions, each emotion has its opposites.  For instance, sadness is the opposite of joy, and so on.

• Intensity of Emotions: The change in the intensity of emotions can be seen on the Wheel of Emotions: Trust goes from acceptance to admiration, joy goes from serenity to ecstasy, and so on.

Characteristics of the Wheel of Emotions (click on image to make it larger):

• Color: The eight emotions are arranged by colors for similar emotions.  

• Layers: Moving to the center of the circle intensifies the emotions.

• Relationships of Emotions: Emotions are arranged on the Wheel of Emotions with regard to their relationship to each other.  For instance, note the position of polar opposite emotions.

How to Use the Wheel of Emotions

Many people have problems identifying their emotions.  They might have a sense that they feel "off" or "bad," but they don't know what emotions are causing them to feel this way.

The Wheel of Emotions:

• Provides an image or visual tool to get curious about yourself.
• Helps you to be attuned to yourself.
• Normalizes your emotions.
• Increases your self awareness.
• Helps you to stop judging yourself.
• Helps you to identify your emotions.
• Helps you to verbalize the emotions you are experiencing.  
• Helps you to feel empowered.
• Helps you to gain self confidence.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're having problems identifying and expressing your emotions, you're not alone.

Working with an experiential psychotherapist can help you to develop and enhance your ability to identify your feelings for your own self awareness as well as to improve your communication with others (see my article: Psychotherapy Can Help You to Stop Sweeping Uncomfortable Emotions Under the Rug).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in experiential therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

About Me

I am an experiential psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the "4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse"

Relationship expert, John Gottman, Ph.D., came up with a metaphor to describe destructive communication in relationships which he calls the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a term which was originally used in the Bible to describe the four elements of the end times: conquest, war, hunger and death (see my article: Improving Communication).

Eliminate the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

What Are the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

According to the Dr. Gottman, the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse in a relationship are:

• Criticism
• Contempt 
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

Let's take a look at each one to understand why these actions represent destructive communication styles that can lead to the demise of a relationship:

• Criticism:  When you express a complaint to your partner, it's different from attacking him or her personally.  When you criticize your partner, s/he feels rejected and hurt.  Here's the difference:

Complaint: "I feel sad that you forgot my birthday."

Criticism: "You never remember my birthday because it's not important to you. You're selfish!"

Note that in the first example, the complaint, you're speaking from your own experience ("I felt") whereas in the second example, the criticism, you're making a personal attack on your partner's character.  

Criticism is especially damaging when it happens frequently.  Furthermore, you're not likely to resolve the problem if you use criticism (see my article: Learn How to Stop Criticizing Each Other).

• Contempt: Contempt is worse than criticism.  When you address your partner with contempt, you're being mean.  Contempt includes sarcasm, ridicule, name calling, and cursing your partner, among other things.  You're showing disrespect for your partner, and you're speaking to your partner from a position of moral superiority:

Contempt: "You forgot to bring home the milk! I give you one thing to do and you're too stupid to even do that."

Note that contempt is often fueled by longstanding resentment towards a partner that comes out in a toxic way.

• Defensiveness: Defensiveness is a common problem.  When you feel criticized by your partner, you find excuses for your behavior. Unfortunately, this doesn't resolve the problem because your partner is likely to feel that his or her concerns aren't important to you.

Defensiveness: "So what! I forgot to bring the milk. You know I've had a lot of things on my mind. Why didn't you have one of the kids get it?"

Note that, aside from not resolving the problem, you're also not taking responsibility for your part, and you're pointing an accusatory finger at your partner.  

By being defensive, you're also just escalating the conflict (see my article: Habitual Defensiveness Can Ruin Your Relationship).

• Stonewalling: Stonewalling usually occurs when the listener becomes overwhelmed by contempt.  The listener can either tune out, walk away, distract him or herself and, generally, shut down emotionally (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

People who stonewall are often shutting down to regroup emotionally.  The problem is that they often don't tell their partner that they need to take a break from the conflict to calm down.  

The other problem is that people who make a habit of stonewalling appear to be calm on the outside, but they're flooded with stress on the inside.  

Since people who stonewall appear to be calm externally, the other partner will often double down on their criticism in an effort to provoke the partner to speak.  

This starts a destructive cycle where the person who is stonewalling shuts down more and more and the other partner escalates their argument.  Soon they're caught in a destructive cycle.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're like most people, you learned how to communicate from what you observed in your family of origin.  

If you weren't lucky enough to come from a family where you experienced healthy communication, you might have developed destructive communication habits.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to enhance your communication skills to maintain a healthy relationship.

Rather than continuing in destructive communication patterns that could lead to the demise of your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing therapist and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.  

Sexual Wellness: How to Access Your Sexual Energy

Your sexual energy is your life force.  After all, you were conceived as a result of sexual energy. So, knowing how to access this energy can give you a sense of aliveness, regardless of whether or not you have a partner (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self - Part 1, Part 2 and Women's Sexuality: Tips For Sexual Discovery).

Sexual Wellness: How to Access Your Sexual Energy

Suggestions For Accessing Your Sexual Energy

Here are several ways to access your sexual energy--even if you've been out of touch with it for a while:

• Connect to Your 5 Senses: Your five senses include what you see, hear, smell, feel (touch) and taste.  By engaging your senses in pleasurable ways, you can come alive sensuously and sexually.  This can include tasting delicious food, smelling your favorite scent, listening to your favorite music, and so on.

• Move: Exercise and dance can be pleasurable ways to access your sexual energy. These activities can connect you to your deepest energy.  When you feel the beat of the music, it can connect you to your heartbeat.  As you move,  you can feel the rhythm of the music, which makes you come alive to your senses, including your erotic sense.  To access sexual energy through exercise, you can try: glut bridges, plank, Kegels, pigeon pose and so on (always consult with your medical doctor before you begin an exercise program).

• Make Sounds: Humming, singing, chanting and making other sounds that vibrate in your body is another good way to connect with your sexual energy.  

• Try Self Pleasure: Touch yourself in ways that feel pleasurable to you.  If you're uncomfortable with masturbating, you can enliven your sensuous self by doing simple things like taking a bubble bath or massaging yourself with your favorite lotion or oil after you shower.  You can also use sex toys (if you feel comfortable) to connect with your sexual energy.  You might need to experiment with the type of toys that feel right to you.

• Get a Sensual Massage: Touch is so important, and a relaxing massage can help to reconnect you to your body, especially your erogenous zones like the nape of your neck, your scalp, behind your knees, your earlobes, your buttocks and genitals, and your feet--to name the most common erogenous zones.  You might also discover additional erogenous zones that enlive you.  Whether you massage yourself with massage oil or a partner gives you a sensual massage, this kind of touch is healing and can also help you to access your sexual energy.  

Overcoming Psychological Issues That Inhibit Your Sexual Energy

Sometimes unresolved trauma can inhibit or block your sexual energy.  Whether this was the result of sexual abuse, anxiety or familial or cultural taboos, a trauma therapist who uses Experiential Therapy can help you to overcome the problems that are keeping you blocked (see my article: Why Experiential Psychotherapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been feeling disconnected from yourself emotionally or physically, you can get help from a licensed mental health professional who uses the mind-body connection in therapy (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help.  

Resolving the problems that keep you blocked can free you from your history and reconnect you to your vitality.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Love Maps: How Well Do You Know Your Partner?

According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, who wrote The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, a "Love Map" is a metaphor for that part of your brain where you store important information about your partner, including their preferences, opinions, likes and dislikes, fears, hopes and dreams, and major events in their life (see my articles: The 5 Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment and Developing and Maintaining a Happy Relationship).

Love Maps: How Well Do You Know Your Partner?

Getting to know your partner and allowing your partner to get to know you, including your inner emotional world, is an ongoing process.  It means making a sustained effort throughout the course of your relationship to learn about your partner and allow your partner to get to know you on a deep emotional level.

Why Are Love Maps Important?

According to Dr. Gottman, people who remain up to date with what's going on with their partner, including their thoughts and feelings, are more resilient and they're in a better position to weather life's inevitable ups and downs, including conflict and stressful events.

The reason why developing love maps is an ongoing process is that people change over time.  If you're not paying attention to your partner's thoughts and feelings as well as the significant events in their life, you will probably drift apart (see my articles: Telltale Signs That You and Your Partner Are Drifting Apart and How to Get Closer If You and Your Partner Have Grown Apart).

For a variety of reasons, many couples lose touch with the details of their partner's life.  Understandably, this might be due to being overwhelmed by childrearing, stress at work or other everyday stressors.  For instance, many couples tell me that they barely have time to talk to each other because they're focused on their children.  

Another example is a situation where one or both spouses are expected to work long hours at home after the normal workday and respond to calls, email and texts late at night.  As a result, they end up being exhausted and have no time for each other.  If they don't make a conscious effort to make time for each other, they can become increasingly alienated from one another.

Under these circumstances, they might know general information about a particular area of their spouse's life, like an interest in a particular type of music, but they might not be up to date on their spouse's new favorite band, the name of a new friend or the details of a new hobby or interest.

Some people are also afraid to be emotionally vulnerable in relationships.  Emotional vulnerability feels threatening to them, so they don't like to share their inner emotional world.  

These are the couples who are likely to drift apart because emotional vulnerability is part of the glue that keeps relationships together and without it they might just coexist in the same household like roommates (see my article: Relationships: Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable and Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy).

Over time, without shared emotional intimacy, there is often more distance in the relationship.  When there is less and less to share, the relationship suffers.  In the worst case scenario, alienation can increase until they feel like strangers to each other.

Fortunately, there are ways for couples to overcome the emotional distance that can so easily develop over time.  Developing a Love Map, as described in Dr. Gottman's book, is one way to do this (see my article: New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Cycle in a Relationship).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved problems, you're not alone.  Help is available.

Taking the first step to contact a licensed therapist might be the hardest, but it's also the first step to resolving your problems.  So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help.

A licensed mental health professional can help you to resolve your problems so you can live a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.