Should You Hook Up With Your Ex?

In my prior article, 7 Reasons Why You Might Be Struggling to Get Over a Breakup, I focused on the primary reasons why many people have a hard time getting over a breakup. In this article, I'll be discussing a topic that I covered briefly in that article about breakups, which is whether you and your ex should get back together to have sex. The focus in this article isn't a moralistic one.  It's about your emotional well-being and what works for you.

Should You Hook Up With Your Ex?

I get it--even though you might not have been compatible in other areas, you and your ex might've had amazing sex which you're finding hard to give up.

Maybe it was even the best sex of your life.  Maybe it was exciting, hot and fun and you both felt great afterwards.  So, it's understandable why you're missing the sex and wanting to hook up, especially if you're either not seeing anyone else or your experiences with dating have been disappointing.

Why Hooking Up With Your Ex Might Be Okay
Here are some reasons why it might be okay:

• You and Your Ex Are Both in Agreement About Having Casual Sex and Nothing More
• You've both on the same page that, while the relationship didn't work out, you can still have no strings attached (NSA) sex with the understanding that you're not in a relationship and you're not going to get back together.
• You respect one another's well-being and only want the best for each other.

• You Don't Have Unrealistic Expectations
• You have no expectations that your ex will only see you and not date other people and vice versa.
• Both of you are beyond the point of feeling jealous if either of you is casually dating and having sex with other people.

• You're Not Trying to Use Sex to Get Back Together
• Neither you nor your ex is using sex to try to get back together again (see my article: The Heartbreak of the On Again, Off Again Relationship).

• You're Free of Any Illusions and Can Enjoy the Pleasure of Having Sex With Your Ex
• Having no expectations or illusions about what's possible, you're both free to enjoy the pleasure of being sexual, especially since you both know what the other person likes and you're sexually compatible with each other.
• You can give yourself over to sexual pleasure without guilt, resentment or regret afterwards.

Why Hooking Up With Your Ex Could Be a Bad Idea
Here are some reasons why it might not work out for you:

• You're Still in Love
• If you're still emotionally attached to your ex and you have sex with him (or her), you're going to have a much harder time getting over the breakup if you're sexually involved.  
• Not only might you both continue to carry a torch for each other, you both might have a hard time being open to meeting new people.

• You're Secretly Hoping to Get Back Together Again
• You need to be honest with yourself and your ex. 
• Saying that you don't want to get back together (when you really do) and using sex to lure your ex back is a form of manipulation.
• The falsehood will probably become apparent soon.
• If you get involved again, as a couple, you might end up in the same place as you were before the breakup, which will be even more painful.

• You Feel Lonely and Want Your Ex's Companionship
• It's common to feel lonely after a breakup.  This is normal.  It's also something that most people overcome after a period of healing.
• Although loneliness can feel overwhelming, hopping back in bed with your ex isn't the solution, especially if you're not both on the same page about what it means that you're being sexual again.
• You might feel better temporarily but, once again, this is just a short term solution to a much larger problem, which is that you're unwilling to go through this stage of the breakup (see my article: Coping With the Stages of a Breakup
• In seeking a short term solution, you're losing sight of the longer term problem and that you could both get hurt again when things go back to how they were before the breakup.

• You're Using Your Ex to Get Someone Else Jealous
• Maybe you've started seeing someone new and this person isn't paying as much attention to you as you would like, so you reconnect with your ex to try to make the new person jealous.
• Not only is this manipulative, it also has the potential for everyone in the situation to get hurt, including you.
• Both your ex and the new person might see the manipulation for what it is and both of them could end up not wanting to have anything to do with you.

• Your Ex Didn't Treat You Well When You Were in a Relationship
• Chances are good that if you ex didn't treat you well when you were in a relationship, s/he won't treat you well if you're hooking up.
• If you couldn't trust your ex when you were together, even if your expectations have changed, you probably won't be able to trust your ex with whatever ground rules the two of you have set up for having casual sex or in other areas (see my article: Are You Giving Away Your Personal Power to Someone Who Doesn't Treat You Well?).

Conclusion
This isn't a moralistic perspective.  It's about your emotional well-being.

There are times when hooking up with your ex might work for both of you without either of you getting hurt.  But this all depends on if you both are on the same page about having casual sex together without trying to get back to a dynamic that didn't work before.

Only you can decide what's best for you, but making that decision can be challenging because emotions can get in the way. You might need help from a licensed mental health professional who would be impartial and without judgment but who also has the expertise to help you make the best decision for yourself.

Getting Help in Therapy
Trying to decide what's best for you can be confusing, especially when your emotions are in conflict with what you know is best for you.

Many therapists in New York City, including me, are providing online therapy, which is also called teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet Your Therapist in Person).

If you're feeling stuck, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed psychotherapist who has experience with helping clients with relationship and sexual issues.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrated Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

7 Reasons Why You Might Be Struggling to Get Over a Breakup

Breaking up is hard.  Whether it was a mutual decision to end the relationship or you were the one who ended it, breaking up is a challenge, especially in a long term relationship (see my articles: Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup and Coping With the Stages of a Breakup).

Breakups Are Challenging 

There's no timetable for when people get over a breakup. Healing is an individual process.  It's understandable that you would want the emotional pain of the breakup to end as soon as possible, but emotions don't always respond to what you want or think.

In addition, most people have unrealistic expectations about healing from a breakup.  Part of this problem might be that they're harsh with themselves (see my article: Self Compassion: Loving Yourself Even in the Places Where You Feel Broken).

Another problem is that other people, including friends and family, who have good intentions, also have unrealistic expectations and they might try to push you to "move on" before you've worked through the grief and loss.

7 Challenges After a Breakup
Aside from the heartache which takes time to heal, there can be other issues that make it difficult to get over a breakup:

• Co-Parenting Children Together: 
• If you and your ex have children together, this is a big challenge because you'll need to interact with one another until the children are of age and can go off on their own. 
• There are countless things that need to be worked out when you have children, including: child custody, childcare, child support, housing arrangements, and other co-parenting issues.
• Being able to put aside your differences to focus on your children is paramount, but anger and resentment don't always go away after the breakup, so it takes work to reman primarily focused on the needs of your children (see my articles: Talking to Your Child About Your Divorce and Co-parenting After the Divorce).

• Giving Up the Emotional Ties With Your Ex's Family: 
• Often, the problem isn't just that you're missing your ex--you can also feel strong emotional ties to your ex's family.  
• This makes the loss much bigger.  
• Maintaining emotional ties with your ex's family can be difficult and can keep you feeling stuck in terms of healing from the breakup. Boundaries would need to be negotiated, if it's even possible to do that.

• Maintaining Mutual Friendships: 
• If you and your ex have mutual friends, it can be difficult for you, your ex and your friends to negotiate the boundaries around these friendships.  
• Friends might feel their loyalty is being tested or they might feel that they have to side with either you or your ex.  
• You or your ex might have unrealistic expectations of your mutual friends in terms of sharing information about what's going on with you or your ex after the breakup.
• Your friends might inadvertently tell you things about your ex that are hurtful or they might slip and divulge things you don't want your ex to know.

• Communicating With Your Ex After the Breakup: 
• Assuming for the moment that you and your ex don't have children or other compelling reasons to be in touch, if you're still communicating with your ex, healing from the breakup is going to be that much more difficult.  
• One or both of you might still be holding onto hope that things can be worked out between you.  But if nothing has changed, you're probably going to be facing the same problems that led to the breakup (see my articles: You're Considering Getting Back Together Again, But What Has Changed?).

• Tolerating Loneliness and Redefining the Relationship as "Friends With Benefits:" 
• After a breakup, many people feel lonely (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness).
• Many people would rather go back to a relationship that isn't working out than tolerating loneliness. 
• Some people find being out of a relationship and alone intolerable, so they try to redefine the relationship as being "friends with benefits" and continue to get together with their ex to hook up.  
• In the long run, "friends with benefits" rarely works out for people who are or were in love without confusion and resentment, especially if one person is already dating other people.  The boundary issues get muddied fast.

• Dating Again: 
• After a breakup, some people refuse to start dating again--even after they have healed from the breakup. 
• While there's a reality that dating, especially dating online, can be challenging and discouraging, many people refuse to see other people, even after they've healed.  In those instances, there can be other underlying issues, including unrealistic hopes of rekindling the former relationship or fear of getting hurt again (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Getting Hurt Again).

• Ruminating About Your Ex and Looking at Your Ex's Social Media: 
• It's common to think about your ex after a breakup. You can't just turn off your feelings like a faucet.
• It can take a while to heal and there's no one-size-fits-all time or way to do it 
• If you're spending a lot of time looking at pictures of you and your ex together or doing frequent checks to your ex's social media accounts, you're prolonging your emotional pain and not allowing yourself to heal (see my article: You Can't Stop Looking at Your Ex's Social Media Accounts).

Conclusion
Even under the best of circumstances, breakups are difficult.  Aside from the challenges that I've outlined above, there can be other problems, like unresolved earlier trauma.

For instance, a breakup often triggers old unresolved issues which make it even harder to deal with the breakup.  Many people who felt emotionally abandoned as children have an especially difficult time during a breakup because of this triggering (see my articles: Fear of Abandonment and How Past Psychological Trauma Leaves on in the Present).

Getting Help in Therapy
Working through the grief and challenges of a breakup can be difficult to do on your own, especially if you've been feeling stuck for a while.

If you feel stuck and overwhelmed, you could benefit from working with a licensed NYC psychotherapist after a breakup to help you work through unresolved issues so you can heal.

Most therapists are doing online therapy (also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth) during the COVID19 crisis (see my article: The Advantages of Teletherapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

Asking for help can feel scary at times, but remaining stuck is even harder (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help).

Taking the first step of contacting a licensed mental health professional could make all the difference between prolonging your grief and getting closure that leads to a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am providing online therapy sessions during the COVID19 pandemic.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The 5 Stages of Grief During the COVID-19 Crisis

Most of us have been feeling many different emotions, including varying degrees of grief for our losses during this COVID-19 pandemic.  I've been writing articles about psychological reactions and coping strategies to get through this stressful time, including the concept of the 5 Stages of Grief (see my articles: Grieving Losses During the Crisis and Healing and Coping and Staying Calm During the COVID-19 Crisis).

The 5 Stages of Grief During the COVID-19 Crisis

I began discussing the 5 Stages of Grief as it relates to the COVID-19 pandemic in an earlier article, and I would like to expand on that discussion here.

The 5 Stages of Grief:

• Denial
• Anger 
• Bargaining
• Despair or Depression
• Acceptance

The 5 Stages of Grief: It's Not a Linear Process
As I've mentioned before, although these stages might appear to be a linear process, they're not.  These stages are fluid.  Most of the time, people move back and forth between stages at various times and people might experience a combination of feelings on any given day.

The 5 Stages of Grief: The Grief Process and COVID-19
Let's take a look at each stage and how it might relate to the grief process that many people are going through now (see my article: Common Defense Mechanisms).

• Denial
• Denial is a defense mechanism.  
• It can be a useful temporary strategy when people feel overwhelmed.  But in the long run, it can keep people stuck and prevent them from successfully moving through the grief process.
• Common reactions during the denial stage:
• "People are overreacting to this problem."
• "It's not any different from the regular flu."
• "I'm a healthy person, so I can't get it."

• Anger
• Anger is often a secondary emotion when people feel too vulnerable to allow themselves to feel emotions like sadness or fear (see my article: Anger as a Secondary Emotion).
• People in this stage often blame others for the problem rather than focusing on their own needs and reactions.
• People can become defiant in terms of following the health experts' advice.
• Common reactions during the anger stage:
• "I don't care what the experts are saying. I'm bored and I'm going to hang out with my friends."
• "No one is going to control me or tell me to do social distancing. I'm my own person."
• "It's __________'s (fill in the blank) fault. If they had been more careful, we wouldn't be in this predicament."
• "Someone's making a buck, and it's not me. I'm not going to quarantine."

• Bargaining
• The bargaining stage often begins when people can no longer be in denial because there's evidence that the pandemic is actually happening and not overblown.
• During this stage, people are starting to come to terms with the reality of the situation, but they're not fully ready to accept it yet.
• Common reactions during the bargaining stage:
• "Okay, the pandemic is real, but I can socialize with others and I don't need to keep distant or wear a mask as long as I wash my hands."
• "The crisis is real, but it'll be over soon. We'll all be back to work in a few weeks."
• "Sure there are people who are sick, but as long as I only hang out with people who are healthy, I'll be okay. I won't get the virus."

• Despair or Depression
• When reality sets because people realize that their other defensive strategies aren't working, despair and depression can set in.  
• People begin to feel hopeless and helpless about the pandemic. They lose a sense of agency and feel powerless.  
• They often feel that they and the situation are beyond help.
• Common reactions during the despair or depression stage:
• "There's nothing that I or anyone else can do. This situation will never improve, so why should I even try to make things better for myself or anyone else?"
• "I'm going to lose everything, and I'll die alone and penniless."
• "If I get sick, no one will be able to help me."

• Acceptance
• If and when people get to the acceptance stage, they're ready to surrender to the current situation and cope with it as best as they can (see my articles: Empowering Yourself During the Pandemic).
• Common reactions during the acceptance stage:
• "Everything is changing, but maybe some things will change for the better."
• "Things are bad, but I can also look for the silver lining."
• "I can't control the pandemic, but I can take care of myself and control my own reactions to it."
• "I can try to find ways that I can help others in a safe and responsible way."

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're having problems coping during this crisis, no matter what you're feeling, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who can help you to get through the grieving process.

Many therapists, including me, are providing online therapy, which is also known as teletherapy and telehealth, while they're out of their offices during the pandemic (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

Rather than feeling stuck and overwhelmed, take action to get help so that you can strengthen your coping skills and feel more empowered.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing therapy online.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Developing a Felt Sense of Connection From a Distance

In my two prior articles, The Mind-Body Connection: Developing a Felt Sense of Your Internal Experiences and Developing Your Inner Sense of Being Calm, Grounded and Centered, I discussed the felt sense of connecting to internal experiences of emotions and physical sensations. Aside from experiencing a felt sense of internal experiences, during this pandemic most of us are grappling with how to develop a felt sense of connection with others even though we're not physically present with them.

Developing a Felt Sense of Connection From a Distance

Connecting With a Felt Sense From a Distance
When I was in Somatic Experiencing training about 10 years ago, I remember our instructor starting our morning sessions by having us close our eyes and breathe so we could settle in (see my article: Somatic Psychotherapy).

By slowing down and getting quiet, we transitioned from wherever we had been prior to coming into the training room to where we were in the here and now in the training room (see my article: Being in the Present Moment).

I was always so grateful for that transitional time because it allowed me to let go of the stress of getting around in New York City, especially on the subway, to being fully present in the moment in the training.

After the Somatic Experiencing training group settled, our instructor asked us to feel our connections with other healers in the area.  By healers, she was referring to healers of all kinds and all traditions, both traditional and nontraditional--whether they were doctors, nurses, other psychotherapists, physical therapists, bodyworkers and other nontraditional healers.

Part of the meditation was to feel the connection with these healers in our immediate area and slowly extend our sense of connection to all of New York City, then the tri-state area, the East Coast and gradually expanding to encompass the whole country, other countries and the universe.

This meditation of connecting with healers from everywhere was so comforting and it was wonderful to know that, at any given time, other people in the healthcare and healing world might also be connecting and resonating in this way.

During the first week that New York City residents were told to stay home and I began Zoom teletherapy sessions, I thought of this meditation and used it with my clients.  I was so happy that, just as I found it comforting to connect with other healers in this way, my clients also felt comforted.

Discovering New Ways to Develop a Felt Sense of Connection From a Distance
During this pandemic, there's a difference between knowing that we're all going through this experience together and actually feeling the resonance of these connections.

Over time, as we continue to be challenged by the COVID-19 crisis and we are physically distant from one another, we'll find new ways to make that heart-to-heart connection with people we care about because we need to feel those connections.

Being able to feel these social connections are vital to our sense of emotional and physical well-being, and our imagination and creativity will enable us to find new ways to connect with each other.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're feel overwhelmed, you're not alone.  Help is available to you.

Many psychotherapists have transitioned to online therapy, which is also called teletherapy or telemental health), during this time (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

Developing a Felt Sense of Connection From a Distance

Making the phone call or sending the email to get help from a licensed therapist is the first step in your healing process.  If you need help, take the first step in your healing process.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing online therapy while I'm out of my office.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Reflecting on What's Important in Your Life During a Crisis

During the current COVID-19 pandemic, when most people have been staying home in isolation, many people have been thinking about their lives and reflecting on what's most important to them (see my articles: A Search For Inner Meaning,  What is Happiness and Where Do You Find It? and Redefining Happiness and Success For Yourself).

Reflecting on What's Important in Your Life During a Crisis

The unprecedented nature of the coronavirus pandemic has people reconsidering their lives and their priorities, including:

• Family: 
• People who are fortunate to have good (or good enough) relationships in their family are considering some of these relationships in a new light (see my article: A Happy Family Doesn't Mean a "Perfect" Family).
• Before COVID-19, when people were busy commuting to work and working long hours, family often took a backseat to work.  
• With the potential for getting a life-threatening illness, like the coronavirus, many people are thinking of family relationships as being the #1 priority.  
• There are even some family members who have been out of contact for a long time who are reconnecting and making amends.

• Spirituality and Values: 
• Coping with a crisis often makes people re-evaluate their religion or their spiritual beliefs (see my article: Are You Contemplating Your Faith of Origin in a New Light?).
• Spirituality isn't necessarily a formal religion.  It can be a set of spiritual beliefs and values that are important to the individual.
• Some people, who might not have considered themselves to be spiritual before, are making religion or spirituality more of a priority to help them get through this difficult time (see my article: A Happy Life vs a Meaningful Life).

• Intimate Relationships:
• The current crisis has affected couples who were on the brink of breaking up before the pandemic. 
• For some couples, the crisis affirmed their decision that they want to be happier in their lives and they have decided that they can't be happy with their current partner.
• Other couples are finding it difficult to spend so much time together due to the need to stay home (see my article: Tips on Getting Along as a Couple During the COVID-19 Crisis).
• For other couples, who were having problems, put aside their differences now to focus on getting through the crisis, especially if they have children.
• Many couples have experienced a renewed sense of commitment to their relationship in light of the current emergency.  
• For other couples, the lack of commitment of one partner has caused the other partner, who wants a commitment, to reconsider the relationship (see my article: Are You Dating Someone Who Has a Problem Making a Commitment to Being in a Relationship?).
• Some individuals, who aren't in a relationship, feel lonely during this time of isolation and have made a firmer commitment to meeting someone new.
• Other individuals have reaffirmed their commitment to themselves to remain single because this is their preference.

• Friendships:
• The recognition of the importance of emotional support through friends has been especially important during this crisis (see my article: The Importance of Getting Emotional Support During a Crisis).
• Similar to family relationships, former friends, who were estranged, are reconnecting in some cases.
• An awareness of the importance of kindness has also been an important part for many people of re-evaluating their lives (see my article: The Impact of Kindness During Difficult Times).

• Health:
• Fortunately, for most people, the virus has been mild.  
• For people who are older or who have underlying conditions that make them more vulnerable to developing a more serious reaction to the virus, health considerations have been uppermost in their mind (see my article: How Serious Medical Problems Can Affect How You Feel About Yourself).
• The rate of contagion of the virus is forcing most people to consider their health habits and ways to improve on them.

• Work-Life Balance
• Everyone isn't fortunate enough to re-evaluate their work-life balance.  Some people have no choice but to work three or four jobs just to survive.
• For people who are fortunate to consider their work-life balance, some people are considering how much longer they want to work and whether they would rather spend their time doing other things, like spending more time with family, traveling, spending time on a hobby or living a simpler, quieter life (see my article: Balancing Your Career and Your Personal Life).
• Other people are considering whether they want to remain in their current career or whether they want to transition to something else eventually.  There is a recognition that life is short and putting off what they really want might not be wise (see my article: Navigating Life's Transitions).
• Some people are realizing that they prefer to live life at a slower pace, which might mean making changes in their work, retiring or eventually or moving to a place where the pace is slower (see my article: Midlife Transitions and Preparing Emotionally For Making Major Changes in Your Life).

• Money
• People who have been laid off, furloughed or had their work hours reduced are concerned about money.
• Other people are struggling emotionally because they have been terminated from their jobs, which means a loss of income and a loss of identity (see my article: When Job Loss Means Loss of Identity).
• Many people are re-evaluating their priorities, what they spend money on and how much to save and how much to spend.
• Many people are considering the amount of debt that they carry and they're hoping to be able to develop a plan to get out of debt.
• Many couples have been arguing about money during this time (see my article: Are You and Your Spouse Arguing About Money?).

What Have You Been Reflecting on During This Crisis?
The areas that I've included above is by no means exhaustive.

What have you been thinking about? Is the current crisis causing you to re-evaluate your life?

Getting Help in Therapy
Major crises are often difficult to get through.  But they can also be an opportunity for change (see my article: How a Crisis Can Bring About Positive Changes in Your Life).

If you're thinking about how you would like to change your life, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist who can help you to consider what's most important to you and help you develop strategies for changing your life.

Many psychotherapists, including me, are doing online therapy, which is also known as teletherapy or telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When Your Therapist Isn't Available in Person).

Rather than struggling on your own, you could work with a licensed therapist who has experience helping people to make changes in their life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am providing online therapy during the COVID-19 crisis.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Developing Your Inner Sense of Being Grounded, Centered and Calm

During stressful times, it helps if you can feel an internal sense of being grounded, centered and calm (see my article: Grounding Techniques).  Feeling centered and grounded might not change your external circumstances, but it will help you to handle your circumstances with a sense of calm as well as a sense agency rather than a feeling powerless (see my article: Empowering Yourself During COVID-19: There Are Things You Can Control).

Developing Your Inner Sense of Being Grounded, Centered and Calm

Being able to detect a feeling of being centered, grounded and calm requires you to slow down and sense into your body, which I'll discuss later on in this article.

How Do You Know if You're Not Feeling Centered and Grounded?
First, let's talk about the opposite experience--when you're not feeling calm, centered and grounded, which can include:

• Experiencing anxiety and worry most of the time
• Creating or participating in emotional drama
• Feeling spaced out 
• Getting easily distracted
• Spending a lot of time worrying about how you look and what others think of you
• Having frequent sleep problems, including problems with falling or staying asleep (see my article: Tips on Getting Better Sleep)
• Experiencing chronic pain
• Having inflammation in your body
• Experiencing poor circulation in your body
• Feeling tired most of time

How to Develop a Sense of Being Grounded, Centered and Calm
As I mentioned earlier, you need to start by slowing down and noticing what's going on in your body.

Practice this at least once a day (more if you're feeling stressed at various times during the day or night):

• Find a quiet place for yourself in your home where you'll be undisturbed for at least 5-10 minutes (see my article: Reconnecting With Your Inner World Without Distractions).
• Depending upon your situation at home, this might mean getting up earlier than the rest of your family or taking a few minutes when it's quiet at another time of day, including bedtime.
• If there's no particular time when you usually have alone time, ask your family to allow you a few minutes to yourself (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish?). 
• Since both positive and negative emotions are often contagious, if you get calm and centered, it will help the rest of the family, including children,
• Sit up in a chair where you have back support and your feet touch the floor.

• Close your eyes (if you don't feel comfortable closing your eyes, find a spot on the floor to focus your attention so you're not distracted and your eyes aren't wandering around).

• Take a couple of regular breaths.
• After you have taken a couple of regular breaths, do a simple breathing exercise where you inhale and exhale through your nose (as opposed to your mouth).  Do this at your own pace:
• Breathe in to the count of 4
• Hold your breath for a count of 4
• Breathe out for 8
• Repeat as many times as required until you feel yourself getting calm

• Do the Body Scan meditation 
• When you do the Body Scan meditation, you're slowly sensing into your body to see where you're holding onto any tension.
• Wherever you sense tension in your body, imagine you could send your breath to that part of your body to help it relax.
• Thoughts will probably come up to distract you.  This is a common experience.  Imagine that you could take each thought and put it on a puffy white cloud so that it can float away, and then return to sensing into your body.

• Practice Breathing and the Body Scan meditation daily 
• If you're not accustomed to doing these exercises, you'll probably discover that they become easier with practice.
• It all starts with slowing down your mind and your body.

If you practice these exercises daily, but you're still having problems with sensing what's going on with your body, don't worry--this is a common experience that you can overcome.  I discuss this in my next article: The Mind-Body Connection: Developing a Felt Sense of Your Internal Experiences.

Conclusion

When you're going through a stressful time, as most of us are now during the COVID-19 crisis, it's easy to get overwhelmed physically and emotionally.

One way to get a handle on your stress is to start by slowing down and doing the exercises mentioned above to get more centered.

Getting Help in Therapy

You're not alone.   Many people are experiencing more stress than usual at this time, and they're having problems coping (see my article: Common Reactions During a Crisis: Fear and Anxiety).

During times of high stress, unresolved problems from the past can get triggered and they can feel overwhelming.  

Most therapists, including me, are offering online therapy (also called teletherapy or telehealth) while they're out of the office due to COVID-19 (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Imagine: Using Positive Imagination to Cope - Part 2

In my prior article, Imagine: Using Positive Imagination to Cope - Part 1, I began a discussion about using positive imagination and how it can be helpful during the COVID-19 crisis.  In today's article, I'm providing a clinical example to illustrate the benefits of positive imagination (see my article: Using Imagery as a Powerful Tool).

Imagine: Using Positive Imagination to Cope

Using Positive Imagination, including Imaginal Interweaves, as a Internal Resource
As I mentioned in my earlier article, Attached Focused EMDR therapy, which is a trauma therapy developed by Laurel Parnell, Ph.D., uses a form of positive imagination called "imaginal interweaves" when clients are blocked in terms of processing the trauma.

Imaginal interweaves function as an internal resource or coping technique (What Are Imaginal Interweaves?)

Although the example I'm giving is about psychological trauma, imaginal interweaves can be used whenever you need a way to calm yourself and help yourself to cope.

The Therapeutic Benefits of Imaginal Interweaves: A Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates the use of imaginal interweaves as a form of positive imagination:

Sandy
During 2003, when Sandy was living and working in Toronto, she and other people in her neighborhood, were forced to self quarantine during an outbreak of severe acute respiratory syndrome (SARS). Sandy had no symptoms of SARS, but she was obligated to follow government regulations to quarantine.

Not only was Sandy fearful of SARS, but since she lived alone and she wasn't allowed to see other people in person, she felt very isolated and lonely during that time.  Her only contact with family and friends in New York City was by phone, so her history of depression and generalized anxiety were exacerbated by the quarantine.

After she assessed to be healthy and she was able to return to New York City, Sandy believed that she would feel better.  But, even though she was able to be with family and friends, she couldn't understand why her depression and anxiety-related symptoms continued.  So, after a few months of struggling on her own, Sandy sought help from a psychotherapist in Manhattan.

During their initial consultation, her therapist explained how Sandy's social isolation and loneliness while she was in quarantine, as well as earlier traumatic experiences as a child, exacerbated Sandy's depression and anxiety (see my article: Coping With Loneliness and Social Isolation).

Her psychotherapist recommended that they use  EMDR therapy to deal with the trauma related to the quarantine as well as the earlier unresolved trauma (see my article: EMDR Therapy When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough).

She explained to Sandy that, as part of the preparation work to do EMDR therapy, she would help Sandy to develop internal resources and coping strategies that she would use either in session or between sessions.

During the preparation phase of EMDR therapy, Sandy's therapist talked to her about imaginal interweaves and how they could be helpful if Sandy got blocked in the EMDR processing and they needed to find a way to undo the block (i.e., being "blocked" means the client's emotion or thought creates an obstacle to continuing to do the work).

She explained to Sandy how powerful the imagination can be and that using imaginal interweaves engages the mind and the body so that Sandy experiences what she is imagining as if it were actually occurring.  She explained that, of course, Sandy would know that she was still using her imagination, but she would get the beneficial effects of the interweaves (see my article: Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy: Healing With New Symbolic Memories).

As part of the imaginal interweaves, Sandy's therapist asked her to choose three people who are either real or imaginary ("real" means someone that Sandy knew from any time in her life and "imaginary" means someone from a TV program, book, movie, and so on) for the qualities of:

• Nurturing
• Powerful
• Wise

The therapist acknowledged that these categories are intentionally vague and explained that Sandy should interpret nurturing, powerful and wise as whatever it meant to her.  So, for nurturing, Sandy chose her current best friend. For wise, she chose her godmother, who always gave Sandy good advice.  And, for powerful, Sandy couldn't think of anyone in her real life, so she chose a superhero, Wonder Woman.

After they completed the preparation phase of EMDR therapy, which also included learning a Relaxing Place meditation, they began processing Sandy's experience of being quarantined and how it was affecting her now.

As part of the work, they also did a process which is called a "Float Back" in EMDR and which is the same as an "Affect Bridge" in clinical hypnosis where the client goes back to the earliest time when she had the same emotions as in the current memory.

The Float Back is an important part of EMDR therapy because it gets to the earliest memory when the client had the same emotional experience (even if what happened in that memory was different).  The important part is that the client has a similar emotional experience.

So, for instance, if, as an adult, the client has an experience of feeling helpless and overwhelmed, the Float Back goes to the earliest experience of feeling the same way--even if the people and circumstances in the earlier memory were different.

Getting to these earlier memories enables the client and the therapist to see what earlier memories are being triggered by the present experience so that they don't continue to be triggered in other similar circumstances in the future.

At one point in the processing of the trauma using EMDR, Sandy became blocked and couldn't go any further in the trauma work.

Even though, logically, she knew she deserved to feel better, on an emotional level, a big part of her felt that she didn't deserve to feel better.

Sandy was surprised that she could experience such a contradiction between what she experienced logically and what she felt emotionally.

She also said that if someone else had told her this, she would be much more compassionate with that person than she was with herself.

This negative emotional response was so powerful that regular EMDR processing was blocked, so her therapist asked Sandy to imagine what her nurturing person, her best friend, would have said and done if she knew that Sandy felt this way.

In response, Sandy imagined her best friend being with her, and her therapist heightened that experience by having Sandy slow down so she could have a felt sense of her best friend's nurturing quality.

Sandy was able to take in what she imagined her best friend would say and do--that she cared about Sandy and she deserved to feel better.  She was able to feel her friend's compassion on a visceral level and, as a result, she felt much more self compassion).

The felt sense of her friend being compassionate and developing her own self compassion undid the block, and Sandy and her therapist were able to continue with EMDR processing.

Gradually, over time, Sandy and her therapist processed the present, past and anticipatory anxiety about the future.

Conclusion
The fictional vignette provided above focuses on how trauma therapy, specifically EMDR therapy, using imaginal interweaves, which is a form of positive imagination.

Using your imagination is a powerful tool--whether it's used during trauma therapy, like EMDR therapy, or you use it as your own individual coping strategy.

So, even if you're not in therapy, you can use imaginal interweaves on your own to cope with current problems.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're feeling overwhelmed, you're not alone.

Rather than suffering on your own, you can seek help from a licensed psychotherapist.

Many therapists, including me, are providing online therapy, which is also called teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

By being proactive now, you can work through your problems and go on to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing online therapy during the COVID-19 crisis.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.