Self Care for Caregivers - Part 1

Becoming a caregiver for someone you love is often an unplanned and sudden event.  Whether you are the caregiver for your spouse, lover, parent, child or someone else in your life who is dear to you, you might find yourself suddenly in a situation where you feel totally unprepared to juggle the various demands of taking care of your loved one while trying to manage the countless details of daily life.

Self Care For Caregivers

Primary Caregivers Often Forget to Take Care of Themselves
When you're the primary caregiver for a loved one, it's easy to forget to take care of yourself.  You might forget about your own health and well-being.  And, yet, if you neglect your own health, you could easily become sick, and you won't be able to do the things you need to do for yourself--let alone try to take care of your loved one.

To suddenly find yourself in the role of a primary caregiver can derail you both physically and emotionally.  Most people don't have the luxury of putting aside the rest of their lives to focus exclusively on being a caregiver, so being a caregiver can feel overwhelming.

In upcoming blog articles, I'll focusing be on the importance of self care for caregivers and steps that you can take to take care of yourself (see my articles: Self Care For Caregivers - Part 2: Caregivers' Common Emotional Reactions, Self Care For Caregivers - Part 3 - Tips For Self Care

Emotional Support for Caregivers
One of the most important aspects of self care is having emotional support.  Being able to talk to supportive friends and family who are willing to listen can help to ease some of the emotional burden.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people find it helpful to talk to a psychotherapist, who is objective and impartial.  A therapist, who has experience helping primary caregivers, can help you to cope with the emotional strain of taking care of your loved one as well as balancing his or her needs with your needs.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have worked with many clients who were primary caregivers and helped them to take care of their own needs.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Adults Who Were Traumatized As Children Are Often Afraid to Experience Their Feelings - Part 2

In my prior blog article,  Adults Who Are Traumatized As Children Are Often Afraid to Feel All Their Feelings  - Part 1, I began a discussion about how difficult it can be for traumatized adults to allow themselves to feel all their feelings.  Today, I would like to continue this discussion and focus on some of the consequences for adults when they continue to suppress uncomfortable feelings.

Traumatized and Afraid of Emotions

Suppressing Uncomfortable Feelings Can Have Many Negative Consequences
As I mentioned in my prior article, traumatized children often have no choice but to suppress their feelings.  It's often an adaptive thing to do because allowing themselves to feel uncomfortable feelings related to the trauma would be too overwhelming for them in most cases.

But when these same people become adults, if they continue to suppress uncomfortable feelings, it isn't useful any more.  As adults, suppressing uncomfortable feelings can cause all kinds of other emotional, physical and interpersonal problems.

Suppressing Uncomfortable Feelings Can Lead to the Following Emotional, Medical, Marital, Family, Career and Interpersonal Problems:

Depression and Anxiety 
When you suppress uncomfortable feelings, it can lead to depressive and anxiety-related disorders.  Why does this happen?  Well, when you suppress your feelings, these feelings don't just go away.  They often intensify.  The more you try to push them down, the more intense they become.  It becomes a vicious cycle that for many people can lead to serious episodes of depression and anxiety.

Medical Problems
Medical problems like migraines, high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), insomnia, muscle aches, joint stiffness, and a compromised immune system are among the many physical problems that can result from suppressing feelings. 

Marital and Family Problems

Think of the employee at work who feels he must do everything possible to suppress his anger at his boss while he is at work.  Then, he comes home and he often loses his temper with his wife and children.  It's often not intentional--he just can't contain his feelings any more.  There can be misunderstandings between him and his wife or between him and his children because he's so distracted by his pent up feelings.

Career Problems

There can be so many ways that suppressed feelings can cause problems in a career.  It can cause poor communication with your boss or colleagues.  You also might not be picking up on social cues because all of your energy and focus is going into keeping your feelings down.  This can have disastrous consequences for your career.

Substance Abuse, Sex Addiction, Gambling and Other Impulsive and Addictive Behavior
Many people, who try to suppress feelings, turn to alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex and other forms of addictive behavior in an effort not to feel their feelings.  Aside from the physical problems that addictive behavior can create, addiction ruins lives for those who are addicted as well as their loved ones.  Without help, it usually leads to a downward spiral 

Problems with Feeling Inauthentic to Yourself and to Others
Suppressing feelings can also make you feel disconnected from the core of who you are as a person.  It can make you feel inauthentic to yourself as well as to others, especially if you're trying to "put on a happy face" to hide your true feelings.  This often doesn't work because others can sense that there's something amiss.

Developing the Capacity to Feel and Accept Your Feelings: Clinical Hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing
When you've spent a lifetime suppressing feelings that you're uncomfortable with, you need to learn how to develop the capacity to feel and accept your feelings.  I will address this in more detail in future blog posts but, for now, I'll close by saying that, I've found the combination of clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing to be one of the most gentle and effective ways to develop this capacity.  

Clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing allow the therapist and client to work with manageable segments of the problem in a way that's usually tolerable for the client.  In my experience, these two treatment modalities, which emphasize the body-mind connection, help the clients to deal with traumatic experiences and work through these issues so that clients learn to feel and accept all their feelings.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in trauma work.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many clients to work through their trauma so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Adults Who Were Traumatized As Children Often Fear Their Emotions

Many people, especially people who were traumatized as children, are afraid to feel the full range of their feelings, especially feelings they're uncomfortable with.   If they feel sad, angry, fearful, hurt, or ashamed, they often want to do whatever they can to suppress and avoid sensing these feelings.  

Adults Who Were Traumatized as Children Often Fear Their Emotions

Being willing to feel all their feelings, and not just the ones they feel comfortable with, isn't easy.  Of course, it's understandable that most of us would rather experience happy feelings, but it's not humanly possible to always feel happy.  So, it's important to develop the capacity to feel, tolerate and accept all feelings rather than pushing them down.

Since this is such a big topic for one blog, this is Part 1, and I'll continue to discuss this topic in future blog posts.

Adults Who Were Traumatized As Children Often Fear Their Emotions
Many adults, who were traumatized as children, have vivid memories of feeling completely overwhelmed by a traumatic event in their lives.

In many cases, there was no one to help them, as children, to get through the trauma, so they were left on their own to deal with overwhelming events.  Or, even if there were adults around, the adults might have been overwhelmed themselves by the event (or events) and didn't have the capacity to help.

Young children, who are traumatized without anyone to help them, have limited capacity to deal with their overwhelming feelings.  In order to survive emotionally and, sometimes, physically, these children learned to suppress their overwhelming feelings to protect themselves.  At that point in their lives, it might have been the only thing they could do.  And, at the time, it was an adaptive thing to do, given the limited options.

The problem is that, when these same children grow up and they're adults, what was adaptive when they were children is no longer adaptive.  As adults, suppressing feelings can cause a variety of physical, emotional and interpersonal problems, which I will discuss in a future blog post.

What these adults often don't realize is that now that they are adults, they can develop more of an emotional capacity to deal with trauma, especially if they work with a therapist who has expertise in working with trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy
One of my specialties is working with trauma.  

I have worked with many traumatized adults who have suppressed uncomfortable feelings for most of their lives.  They often come to see me for therapy when they've discovered that continuing to suppress feelings causes problems on many levels for them.  Even though they wanted to change, they didn't know how before they came to therapy, especially after they spent so many years pushing their feelings down.

Over the years, I have learned and developed many different ways of working with trauma so that I can tailor each treatment to the needs of each client.  Aside from talk therapy, I have found mind-body oriented psychotherapy, like EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and clinical hypnosis to be effective in helping clients to overcome trauma, even clients who have tried to overcome these problems in therapy for many years.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Adults Who Were Traumatized As Children Are Often Afraid to Feel All Their Feelings - Part 2

What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to Many Women? Brain Chemistry Might Be Part of the Answer

Are you a woman who usually falls for men who are considered so-called "bad boys" and neither you nor your friends understand why these guys are so irresistible to you?

What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to Many Women?

It Seems Counterintuitive: Women Who Are Usually Stable and Responsible Fall for "Bad Boys" 
Often, it seems completely counterintuitive because the woman who falls for "bad boys" is often the woman who is the most stable, responsible and kind person who never gets into trouble herself, but she falls in love with guys who are edgy, constantly in trouble, emotionally unavailable and sometimes abusive, and constantly breaking her heart.

Just a note before I go on:  I'm using the phrase "bad boys" as a shorthand expression that most people understand without having to go into a lot of detail.  But, in fact, I have a lot of empathy for these men, who often have a long history of trauma, and underneath that tough exterior, there's often a lot of fear and shame.  Of course, working with them as a psychotherapist is different from being in a romantic relationship or married to them and in a lot of emotional pain. 

Why Are So Many Women Drawn to "Bad Boys"?
There can be as many reasons as there are women who fall for guys who have a reputation for being "bad."

Some psychotherapists believe that women who are drawn to "bad boys" are working through unresolved trauma from their family history, especially if they had a father who was unreliable, irresponsible, and emotionally abusive.

Other psychotherapists believe that this dynamic involves a woman's need to "rescue" the man, who is often traumatized and in need of a lot of emotional support.

Other therapists believe that women in these types of relationships are masochistic.

All of the above theories, either individually or in combination, might apply to some women sometimes, but it often doesn't explain this dynamic for many women who had loving, stable fathers and who are not masochistic or in need of rescuing people.

The Brain Reward Circuit and an Irresistible Attraction to "Bad Boys"
Another interesting theory, proposed by Richard A. Friedman, MD, in his article, "I Heart Unpredictable Love" (NY Times) is that this type of attraction involves the brain reward circuit (see link below for the article).

According to Dr. Friedman, the brain reward circuit is a primitive part of the brain that is exquisitely attuned to rewards, whether they are rewards of money, sex, or food.

When the reward is unanticipated, the circuit releases dopamine which gives the person a pleasurable and exciting feeling.

Unpredictable Love and the Brain Reward Circuit

As a result, when you're involved with someone who is unpredictable, as so-called "bad boys" tend to be, you get a sense of pleasure and excitement from the brain reward circuit.  This, in turn, fuels your attraction and obsession, from the brain reward circuit.

It can feel like an "addiction" in much the same way that people who gamble compulsively feel addicted to gambling.  The difference is that you're "gambling" with the unpredictable nature of the relationship as well as your own well-being.

Often, you're unaware of this sense of pleasure and excitement that's being generated by the brain reward circuit.  In fact, your rational mind might be telling you that this guy isn't at all good for you and you should stay away.  But when the brain reward circuit is releasing the dopamine, you might find yourself with this "bad boy" despite what you know rationally.

Does This Mean That You'll Always Be Attracted to "Bad Boys" For the Rest of Your Life?
I've worked with many women who found themselves irresistibly drawn to so-called "bad boys" and who were able to overcome this problem.

Unfortunately, for some women, it often takes a lot of emotional pain before they override their brain chemistry to make healthy choices for themselves.  But just because you feel a sense of pleasure and excitement doesn't mean that you can't make healthy decisions for yourself.  You can.

Getting Help in Therapy
Relationships with "bad boys" can take its toll on you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. That's a high price to pay.  And many women discover that, after being in a few of these types of relationships, they aren't as emotionally resilient as they used to be and it gets harder to move on.

If you have tried on your own to stop getting in emotionally unhealthy relationships, but you can't do it on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional.

If you're motivated to change, you can learn how to override the impulse to get involved with men who are constantly hurting you.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, read my blog article:
The Heartbreak of the On Again-Off Again Relationship

I Heart Unpredictable Love - by Richard A. Friedman - New York Times

Another Study Reveals There's a Seasonal Pattern to Mental Health

Many clients that I see in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City tell me that they notice a seasonal pattern to their mood and that they tend to feel happier in the spring and summer when there's more sunlight as opposed to the winter when there's less sun.  

Study Reveals a Seasonal Pattern to Mental Health

Most of these psychotherapy clients who report a seasonal pattern to their mood don't meet the criteria for seasonal affective disorder.

Seasonal Pattern to Mental Health
There have been studies before that show a seasonal pattern to mental health.  

A New York Times article by Nicholas Bakalar discusses yet another study with similar findings (see link below for the article).  

The full research study is reported in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine.

It's great to have the research to back up what has been reported to most therapists for a long time.

Getting Help in Therapy
Whether you notice a change in your mood due to seasonal changes, current circumstances in your life, longstanding problems or for reasons unknown, rather than suffering alone, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Seasonal Pattern to Mental Health - Nicholas Bakalar - NY Times

More Seniors Citizens Are Attending Psychotherapy These Days

More senior citizens are attending psychotherapy these days, according to Abby Ellin of the New York Times (see link for the article and a video below).  For many seniors, the stigma that once was associated with attending therapy no longer exists.  

More Seniors Are Attending Therapy

They've seen their children and grandchildren attend therapy and they're aware now that a person doesn't have to be "crazy" to attend therapy.  Also, people are living longer these days, and many of them don't want to live an unexamined life for their remaining years.

My Internship Experience With Senior Citizens at a Local Nursing Home
When I was in graduate school, I was a clinical social work intern at a local nursing home.  At the time, the thinking was that all these senior residents needed was someone to talk to and keep them company because they were lonely.

So, I was assigned to meet with a few of the residents on a weekly basis, and as I met with them, I discovered that they had unique problems at this stage of their lives that weren't being addressed.

Recognizing that senior citizens have unique issues that are often unaddressed might seem like commonsense now, but back then, this wasn't the thinking in the administration.  They were quite surprised to hear that residents were interested in talking about their personal histories and how it affected their lives, unresolved family issues, their emotional and social isolation, their fear of dying, and many other related issues.

A Positive Shift in Perspective For Administrators:  Seniors Can Benefit From Psychotherapy
The administration was surprised at how open these residents were to talk about themselves and their problems.  Rather than just "keeping them company,"the residents and I were addressing important, sometimes longstanding, issues in their lives.

I was very happy that by the time I left the internship, the administration had changed their views, and they hired a therapist to provide psychotherapy sessions to these residents.

Many Seniors Can Work Through Trauma
There is one area where I disagree with Ms. Ellin.  At one point in the video, she says she thinks that most seniors probably will not make big changes in their lives.

Of course, a person's ability to make changes, no matter what the age, is different for each person.  But, contrary to what I understood Ms. Ellin to say, I have worked with senior citizens using EMDR to work through longstanding trauma.  So, contrary to what many people think, many seniors can, indeed, make big changes in their lives.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Therapy Can Help in the Golden Years - by Abby Ellin - New York Times

Movies: Discovering a Father's Secret Life After His Death

I recently went to see "Before and After Dinner With Andre", a wonderful documentary about actor and director Andre Gregory, which was made by his wife Cindy Kleine.  Many people will remember Andre Gregory from the film, "My Dinner With Andre".  

One of the themes in Before and After Dinner is that Mr. Gregory discovers information in a book that implicates his late father, a Russian Jew, as a Nazi collaborator.  Mr. Gregory begins a search to discover if his father was leading a secret life.

Movies: Discovering a Father's Secret After His Death

Unraveling the Mystery of a Father's Secret Life
Most of us can only imagine how painful it could be to try to unravel and piece together such a mystery about one's own father, and how many questions this would raise, especially after a father's death when he's no longer around to answer questions.  The film, which will be released in other cities in the US soon, is worth seeing, so I don't want to give it away.

Although most of us will never have to deal with a mystery of this magnitude about our fathers, it's not unusual for questions to arise after a father's death about some aspect of his life, and for adult children to search for answers about his life.

There's also a book that was recently published, After Visiting Friends: A Son's Story, written by Michael Hainey.  I haven't read the book, but it sounds intriguing.  According to the reviews that  I've read, the author was told when he was a child that his father died "after visiting friends," which was a euphemism for a secret aspect of his father's life.  So, Mr. Hainey sets out to discover what really happened to his father.

The Adult Child Must Be Emotionally Prepared to Discover the Father's Secret
I've worked with clients in my psychotherapy practice in NYC who had reason to believe, after their fathers died, that their fathers led secret lives that these clients felt compelled to discover.  

This type of search can become an all-consuming endeavor because of the amount of effort that's often required to find out "the truth."  And, at times, even with an exhaustive search, the results of the search might be ambiguous.  Also, the child, who is now an adult, must be emotionally prepared to learn whatever there might be to discover about his or her deceased father.

In many cases, just knowing that there were possible secrets can be jarring for the adult child, as described by Andre Gregory in the film, Before and After Dinner, to find out that the father you thought you knew while he was alive isn't who you thought he was--or you didn't have the whole story.

Often, this type of search about one's deceased father is not only about trying to discover information about who the father really was, but also an effort to try to understand what this means with regard to the father-child relationship.

This type of search can evoke many different kinds of emotions, including sadness, anger, and feelings of betrayal and abandonment, depending upon the father's secret and why a part of the father's life was kept secret from the child.

It can cause the adult child to wonder about the meaning of a father's secret life and how it might reflect on his or her relationship with the father when the father was alive.

Ultimately, whether an adult child decides to initiate such an investigation about a father is a very personal choice.  There are some people who would rather not know.

In any case, I highly recommend the documentary, "Before and After Dinner", which is both funny and poignant.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.