Why It's Important to Talk to Your Therapist About Sexual Problems

Many psychotherapy clients feel uncomfortable talking about sexual problems in their therapy, whether they're in individual therapy or they're participating in couples counseling.  Even though their problems might be having a significant impact in their lives, clients often avoid talking about sexual problems with their therapist.  To make matters worse, therapists often avoid asking about it.

The Importance of Talking to Your Therapist About Sexual Problems

Why Is It So Hard to Talk About Sexual Problems With Your Therapist?
There can be many reasons why you might feel uncomfortable talking to your therapist about sex, including:

• You don't know how to bring up the topic of sex in your therapy session.
• You don't know how to describe the sexual problem that you're having.
• You fear being judged by your therapist.
• You feel ashamed of your sexual problem.
• You feel guilty about your sexual problem.
• You feel uncomfortable talking to your therapist about sexual problems because of your therapist's age or gender.
• You're afraid to talk about your sexual problem because it would be violating a family secret to talk about it.
• You feel you'll be defying cultural or religious conventions by bringing up problems about sex in your therapy.
• You think you'll make your therapist feel uncomfortable if you talk about your sexual problem.
• You're in denial about how significant the sexual problem is in your life.
• You've resigned yourself to living with the sexual problem because you don't think there's anything that can be done about it.
• You tried discussing the problem before, either with family members or in a prior therapy, and you had a bad experience.

There can be many other reasons why you, as an individual client in therapy or as part of a couple in couples counseling, might feel uncomfortable talking to your therapist about sexual issues.

It's Important to Talk to Your Therapist About Sexual Problems

Why Is It Important to Address Sexual Problems in Your Therapy Sessions?
Sex is a natural part of life, and yet most people feel uncomfortable talking to their therapist about sex.  The degree of discomfort is different for everyone.

Just like any other problem, unless you address it in therapy, you're not giving yourself an opportunity to overcome this problem with your therapist's help.

It might be hard to imagine at this point in your life, but working through a sexual problem in therapy can help you feel so much better about yourself.

Often, once you begin talking to your therapist about a problem, whether it's about sex or anything else, what might have seemed impossible for you to talk about suddenly seems not as bad as you expected.

Over the years, I've had many clients, who, once they began to address an uncomfortable issue, came away feeling, "That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  In fact, I feel relieved that I'm starting to talk about it."  They feel less burdened by the problem now that it's not a secret in therapy any more.

Some Helpful Tips to Help You Talk to Your Therapist About a Sexual Problem

• Recognize that, if you're seeing an experienced therapist, she has probably heard just about anything that you can imagine.  
• Take comfort in knowing that sexual problems aren't unusual among individuals and couples, so you're not alone.
• Be aware that you can take your time and you don't have to reveal every aspect of the sexual problem all at once.  You might start out by just telling your therapist that you have a sexual problem that you're not feeling comfortable talking about.  You and your therapist can begin by addressing what might help you to feel more comfortable so that you can open up about this issue.
• Recognize that if you start to feel overwhelmed with anxiety as you begin discussing the sexual problem, you can pause so your therapist can help you to calm yourself.  After you've calmed down and you feel emotionally safe again, you can resume talking about it.

Sexual Problems and Trauma
When sexual problems involve trauma, it's important to work with a therapist who has expertise with both problems.

A skilled therapist will know how to work with the sexual trauma in a way that feels safe and comfortable for the client.  This doesn't mean that the work won't be uncomfortable at times, but a trauma therapist, who is a licensed mental health  clinician, usually has the skills and experience to work in a way where the therapy is not retraumatizing for the client.

How I Work With Emotional Trauma
Whether the client's trauma involves sexual abuse or it's some other form of trauma, I often like to use Somatic Experiencing (also known as SE) because it's a gentle and effective form of therapy that was developed specifically for trauma.

By using Somatic Experiencing, the client and I can work on the problems in manageable segments rather than trying to do too much too quickly where client is likely to feel overwhelmed.

When I'm working with a client who has emotional trauma, whether it's sexual trauma or any other form of emotional trauma, I like to provide clients with psychoeducation first so they understand how I work.

Then, the client and I collaborate on how we will work together.  I have many different ways that I work with trauma.  Aside from Somatic Experiencing, I also use EMDR and clinical hypnosis, which are also effective treatment modalities for trauma.

Every psychotherapy client is unique, so it's important that each treatment is tailored to the needs of each client.  This is why the first session is a consultation where I meet with the client so that the client sees if he or she is comfortable with me, and I can determine if what the client is looking for is within the scope of my expertise.

Getting Help in Therapy
Whether you're an individual or a couple, if you're having sexual problems, you're not alone.  

Taking the first step to get help is often the hardest.  But once you've taken that first step, it can be such a relief.  

Sexual Problems in Your Relationship Can Get Worked Out With Help in Therapy

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about it, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Falling In Love With Your Best Friend

Falling in love with your best friend is a common theme in many books, movies, TV programs, and newspaper articles because it happens all the time, no matter how old you are.  

The phenomenon of falling in love with your best friend is often portrayed in stories about young people, but I've also seen it happen with people who are older.  It happens among heterosexual as well as gay people.  It makes sense that two people who have a lot in common and who have developed a bond based on trust and affection would fall in love with each other.

Falling In Love With Your Best Friend

What Are the Potential Positive Aspects of Falling In Love With Your Best Friend?

Developing a Romantic Relationship on a Solid Foundation
When the feelings have developed over time and they're mutual, it has the potential to be a wonderful experience.  Since you already know each other so well, your romantic relationship can build on a solid foundation.  If you're best friends, you already know each other's likes, dislikes, interests and opinions about important issues, like views on families, spirituality, finances, and so on.

If it's a long term friendship, you've probably been there for each other during hard times, which is an important element in a romantic relationship.  You probably also have other friends in common.

Developing a Romantic Relationship as an Extension of Your Friendship
Your relationship started as a friendship, and then a romantic spark might have developed between the two of you over time as you got to know each other better.

This tends to be a more stable way of developing a relationship than "love at first sight," although "love at first sight" works for many couples too.  It's just that when the experience is "love at first sight," the romantic chemistry isn't always enough to build a relationship on.  "Love at first sight" is often an unconscious process and, although it can be exhilarating, it's only a first step whereas a romantic relationship that started as a friendship usually has more substance.

What Are the Potential Negative Aspects of Falling In Love With Your Best Friend?

The potential positive aspects that I mentioned above are all based on there being mutual feelings between the two friends.  But romantic feelings between two friends aren't always mutual.

Getting a Sense of Whether Your Best Friend Has Romantic Feelings For You
This can be awkward and tricky.  If your best friend hasn't given you any indication that s/he also has romantic feelings for you, this doesn't mean that s/he doesn't.  It can just mean that you're both too afraid to reveal romantic feelings because you both fear losing the friendship, which is a real possibility.

Getting a Sense of Whether Your Best Friend Has Romantic Feelings For You

Sometimes, you can sense when your friend has a romantic interest in you, and you can broach the topic with some, but not a lot, of risk.  But if you can't tell, in my opinion, you'll need to use tact and be subtle in your approach.

Holding Back If Your Best Friend is Already in a Relationship
If your best friend is already in a relationship, there isn't much you can do.  You need to accept that your friend isn't available and learn to deal with your feelings.  Trying to do anything that would break up that relationship will back fire and, especially if your friend is married, you'll be perceived as "a home wrecker" or worse.  Even if your friend left the other person for you, trust issues could develop about your relationship together later on.

Deciding What to Do If There is No Possibility of Your Best Friend Developing Romantic Feelings For You
It's possible that the timing might be wrong.  But whatever the reason, this is often an emotionally painful and awkward role to be in, whatever role you're in in this situation.

If you've fallen in love with your best friend and you know there's no possibility of your friend feeling the same way, you and your friend have some decisions to make.

There are plenty of friendships that go on to survive and thrive under these circumstances...if you can work out how to handle it.  It might require that the two of you take some time apart for a while so that the romantic feelings subside.  After a while, you might be able to reconnect without damage to the friendship.  You might want to consider if you've been avoiding meeting and dating other people, and if you want to open up to new potential romantic relationships.

Whether you continue the friendship or you take a break, be aware that you'll need to be able to deal with your friend meeting, dating and, possibly, falling in love with someone else.  This isn't easy when you're still in love with your friend.

Be honest with yourself:  Will you be able to handle this or will it be too hurtful for you, even if you take a break?  Will you feel too resentful or jealous?  Only you can decide this.

Falling In Love With a Best Friend Happens in "Real Life," Not Just in the Movies
Falling in love with your best friend doesn't just happen on TV or in the movies.  Movies like "When Harry Met Sally" are popular because they resonate with many people who have had this experience. Knowing that this is a common experience, hopefully, helps you to realize what you're experiencing isn't unusual or strange.

Knowing the potential risks and rewards can help you decide what to do about your feelings.  There are many people who try to avoid dealing with this situation because they're too afraid of risking the friendship.

Falling In Love With Your Best Friend Happens in "Real Life"

While, as I've mentioned, there are potential risks, in my opinion, it would be even sadder to find out years later that  a relationship was possible at an earlier time but that, unacknowledged, these feelings fizzled out for your friend and, although you might still be interested, your friend's feelings changed over time because you were both too afraid to talk about it.  But only you can decide what's best for you.

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Examples of Falling In Love with Your Best Friend:

"When Harry Met Sally"

"My Best Friend's Wedding"

New York Times - Modern Love: A Life Plan for Two, Followed by One

Medication Alone Isn't as Effective as Psychotherapy to Overcome Anxiety or Depression

In recent years, there has been an increased emphasis on taking medication to overcome anxiety or depression.  While medication can be helpful, medication alone often isn't enough.  Aside from the possible side effects, medication alone doesn't help you to make the kind of changes you need to make to overcome anxiety or depression.  Rather than relying on medication alone, attending psychotherapy with an experienced therapist is usually more effective.

Medication Alone Isn't as Effective as Psychotherapy

Medication Alone Isn't Enough to Overcome Anxiety or Depression
Believing that medication alone is enough for you to overcome anxiety or depression is a seductive idea.  It sounds simple and quick.  There are lots of commercials on TV that lead you to believe that all you have to do is pop a pill to fill better.  But this idea is deceptive.

Psychotherapy is Effective in Helping You to Make Changes in Your Life to Overcome Anxiety or Depression 
Just taking medication alone won't help you to make much-needed changes in your life to overcome anxiety or depression.  There might be things that you're doing (or not doing) that might be contributing to your anxiety or depression.

By simply taking a pill, you won't learn to make the necessary changes that might be exacerbating your condition.

For instance, medication won't help you to develop emotional intelligence to handle your problems.  Developing emotional intelligence is something you learn to do in therapy.

Also, medication alone won't help to motivate you to engage in the type of self care that might actually make it unnecessary to take medication.

So, for instance, research has shown that, in many instances, doing exercise can be as effective to alleviate anxiety or depressive symptoms as medication and without the side effects.  In therapy, you can develop the motivation to exercise and engage in other types of self care that can help you to feel better.

In many cases, either psychotherapy alone or psychotherapy and medication can be effective, depending upon the client and the severity of the symptoms.

It's very important that you consult with your doctor before you stop taking medication.

See the link below for my article about APA research, which reveals that psychotherapy is effective, but it's underutilized.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006 or send me an email: josephineolivia@aol.com 


APA: Research Reveals That Psychotherapy Is Effective But Underutilized

Humor Can Be Effective in Psychotherapy

Humor can be effective in psychotherapy when the timing is right and when it's used in a tactful way. The therapist needs to know the client well enough to know how the client will respond to humor.  Sometimes, humor helps clients to develop a different perspective about their problem.

Humor as a Sign of Resilience
Over the years, many of my clients, as they have started to feel better, have come in with humorous stories about themselves.  Whereas in the past, the same event might have been overwhelming for them,  at that point in the therapy, they can poke fun at themselves and gain a different perspective on their situation.  It's often a sign of emotional resilience when clients can laugh at themselves in a good natured way.

Humor Can Be Effective  in Psychotherapy

Seeing a Funny Movie or Reading a Funny Book Can Be an Emotional Uplift

Clients who are anxious and depressed will often report that they feel uplifted by going to see a funny movie or reading a comical passage in a book.  Sometimes, that emotional uplift that they feel is enough to open them up to the possibility of overcoming certain obstacles that seemed too daunting before.

Sometimes, people are able to see the humorous side of an otherwise difficult situation.  Good examples of this can be found in books by David Sedaris, who is a master at poking fun at himself and finding humor in even the most dismal circumstances.

Charlie Chaplin's movies often combine pathos and humor.  An example of this would be his movie,  "Modern Times."

Humor Can Be a Bonding Experience Between a Client and a Therapist
Humor can be a bonding experience between a client and a therapist.  When used appropriately, it can open up a dialog between the client and therapist that might not have been possible before.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

photo credit: gwilmore via photopin cc

Learning to Feel Comfortable With Being Yourself

There's a lot of pressure these days for people to look and behave a certain way--so much so that people often don't feel comfortable being themselves.  Many people get caught up in the belief that there's a certain way they're supposed to be and if they're not that way, there's something wrong with them.

Learning to Feel Comfortable With Being Yourself

What a dull world it would be if we all looked and acted the same.  One of the things that makes life interesting is that each of us is unique.

Here are some tips for feeling comfortable with being yourself:

• Stop Criticizing Yourself: It's bad enough when other people are criticizing you or pressuring you to be different from who you really are.  But when you're doing it to yourself with constant self criticism, that's even worse.  But you can learn to stop these automatic negative thoughts by, first, becoming aware of them and then making a determined effort to shift your attention away from your own self criticism.  You might become aware that you have "old tapes" playing in your mind from critical parents or other early experiences.  Try to develop an awareness that these "old tapes" are from then and not now.  

• Stop People Pleasing: Become aware if you have a pattern of constantly seeking other people's approval.  And, if you do, ask yourself why. Being considerate and caring towards others is different from constantly needing their approval.  When you tend to need other people's approval, you're placing other people first and placing yourself second. You're also giving them a lot of power over you.  Also, when you engage people pleasing, you're not being your authentic self.  You're accommodating others by shifting how you behave, which makes you come across as inauthentic.  There will always be someone that you're not going to be able to please, no matter what you do.  So, it's better to know what you want and need for yourself and learn to feel comfortable with that.

• Trust Your Judgment and Intuition: Unless you know that you have a history of using poor judgment in your life, trust your own judgment and intuition for yourself.  Most people have a "gut" feeling of what's right for them, but when they're not comfortable with themselves, they rely too much on others to tell them how they should be and what they should do. This doesn't mean that you can't seek advice from loved ones or from a mentor.  But you need to make your own decisions after you get their input.  

• Learn That It's Okay to Make Mistakes: It's inevitable--we all make mistakes.  But if you're so fearful of making mistakes that you allow yourself to stagnate, you're not going to learn from your  mistakes.  

• Develop Your Own Way of Being in the World: Part of getting comfortable with being yourself is getting to know yourself and developing your own way of being in the world.  Change is inevitable.  Who you are today is probably somewhat different from who you were 10 or 15 years ago.  And who you'll be in the future will probably change in some ways. You might experience yourself as being in a state of transition, which can be confusing or it can be exhilarating or both, depending upon how you deal with change.

• Remain Open and Curious: Remaining open and curious to others and the world around you will give you an opportunity to have new experiences and to "sample" new ideas and feelings.  You can take what you like and leave the rest, as the saying goes.

• Keep a Journal: Journaling about what comes up for you can be very useful.  By journaling, you capture your feelings and concretize them by writing them down.  This applies to intense feelings as well as feelings that might be fleeting. Journaling can be a way of dialoging with yourself.  Often, when you write down what you're feeling, you gain insight into a part of yourself that you might not have experienced before.  If nothing else, journaling can provide you with a release for your emotions, rather than keeping them bottled up inside.

• Take Action: As you develop an increased awareness about the tips that I've listed above, you can begin to take steps that will help you to feel more comfortable with being yourself.  So, for instance, if you recognize that you have a tendency to constantly seek others' approval, notice when you feel the impulse to do this and see what it's like to make an effort not to do it.  Notice what feelings might come up:  Do you feel good about resisting the urge to seek approval or does it make you feel insecure?  What other feelings come up?  Write it down in your journal.

Getting Help in Therapy 

There's a lot that you can do on your own when you're developing the ability to feel comfortable with yourself.  But if you find that you're struggling with low self confidence or shame, or it has become too difficult to develop a sense of comfort with yourself on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional, who can help guide you through the process.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Also, see my other articles:

Developing Self Esteem and a Sense of Self Mastery

Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes

Overcoming Codependence

Recapturing a Sense of Aliveness

Many people come to therapy because they feel they're missing something in life.  They no longer feel a sense of aliveness.  Instead, they feel stuck in what feels like an endless cycle of tasks, routines and obligations that have taken over their lives. 

One way for a psychotherapy client to rediscover her sense of aliveness is for her to reconnect with a time in her life when she felt more alive and open to the world around her.  This is possible through clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing.

Recapturing a Sense of Aliveness

We Are Born With the Capacity For Aliveness and Openness to the World Around Us
Most of us are born with the capacity to feel alive and curious about the world around us.

Infants are naturally curious about the world around them.  You see this especially with infants who are about six months old when they really begin to direct their attention outward.  They're naturally curious and stimulated by their environment.

They become happy and excited by new toys and objects around them.  They're also happy and excited by new things that they can do, and they want you to notice, as if they're saying, "Look at me!  Look at what I can do!"

Ideally, if children are fortunate enough not to experience emotional trauma as they are growing up and if they are encouraged to remain open and curious, they maintain their sense of curiosity and aliveness. They use their imagination to create stories, draw, and play with their friends.

Of course, children have their disappointments and frustrations in life, but as long as the nurturing their receiving from their parents is "good enough," they can learn to be resilient and maintain their openness to the world.

As Adults, We Can Become Overwhelmed and "Shut Down" Emotionally
As we get older, it's inevitable that we must deal with more complex challenges.  If we become overburdened with challenges, it can cause us to "shut down" emotionally.  As adults, we don't always realize immediately that this is what's happening to us.  It can remain unconscious for a long time.

Whereas, initially, this emotional shut down, whether it was conscious or not, was intended as a defense against feeling unpleasant feelings.  Unfortunately, when someone shuts down emotionally, it not only blocks unpleasant emotions that might be overwhelming, but it also blocks feelings of happiness and a sense of aliveness.

Mind-Body Connection:  Clinical Hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing
If a person has been emotionally shut down for a while, she might feel a disconnect between her mind and her body.  In other words, she's relating to the world in strictly in terms of thinking rather than emotions and physical sensations.

When this happens, it can feel like the body (from the neck down) is only there to hold up the head.  This might sound like an exaggeration, but there are many people who are cut off or dissociated from the neck down.

When a client comes to see me in my psychotherapy practice in NYC who wants to recapture that spirit of aliveness, I will often work with her using clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing to try to help her to reconnect with the body and recapture that openness and aliveness.

Even if she doesn't remember a time when she felt a sense of aliveness, it's often possible with clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing to go back to an earlier time to recapture these feelings.

Often, I will also recommend tasks for a client perform outside of therapy to act as a bridge between psychotherapy sessions.

So, for instance, if one of the things that came up during a session is that she loved to draw when she was a child and this made her feel very alive at that time, I might recommend that this client take up drawing again to reconnect with that feeling. Or, if she had an early memory of going out into nature and feeling a sense of aliveness in nature, I might recommend that she go to a park and reconnect with nature as a way to reconnect with her sense of aliveness.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you feel like there's something missing in your life and you lack a sense of vitality, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who uses clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing.

For anyone who would like to know more about clinical hypnosis or Somatic Experiencing, I've included web sites below that provide more information.  Each site also has national and international directories of therapists who use these treatment modalities.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Inconsolable Grief for a Mother's Death in an Enmeshed Mother-Daughter Relationship

I've written about enmeshed families in prior blog posts (see link below).  In this blog post, I'd like to address the issue of inconsolable grief for a mother's death in an enmeshed mother-daughter relationship. 

Inconsolable Grief For a Mother's Death

Enmeshed Mother-Child Relationships
Enmeshed mother-child relationships often hinder emotional development for the children in those relationships.  It's not unusual for these adult children to have difficulty forming adult relationships outside of the family because the relationship with the mother has become all consuming to them and leaves little room for other adult relationships.

In this type of enmeshed relationship, when the mother dies, the adult child often feels inconsolable grief because she is so emotionally dependent upon the mother.

The following fictionalized vignette is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality:

Ina:
Ina was an only child.  Her father had abandoned the family when Ina was an  infant, so she had no memories of him.  Her mother often said to her, "It's you and me against the world."

When it was time for Ina to start school, both she and her mother experienced tremendous separation anxiety.  Every weekday morning was an ordeal.  They would both cry when the school bus came.  Ina's mother would come everyday to bring Ina her lunch and sit with her in the school cafeteria.

Ina's teacher tried to talk to the mother about allowing Ina more time and space to form friendships in the classroom.  She tried to tell her that Ina wasn't forming friendships during recess and the lunch hour because she was so focused on the mother.  But the mother got annoyed and complained to the principal that the teacher was trying to interfere with her relationship with her daughter.  After that, the teacher backed off.

Ina made a few friends in junior high and high school, but she still preferred to spend her free time with her mother.  She had very good grades, but she didn't participate in any social activities in school.

When it was time to apply for college, Ina only wanted to apply to local colleges so she could remain at home.  Her guidance counselor advised her that her grades were so good that she would probably get scholarships to colleges outside their town, but Ina wasn't interested.  Her mother also thought it was best for Ina to stay close to home.

Ina had crushes on boys, but she had no interest in dating. When her friends talked about meeting someone and getting married, Ina cringed.  She never wanted to get married.  Her mother had spoken to her about how miserable she felt when Ina's father abandoned them, and Ina couldn't see why her friends would want to risk getting hurt like this.

After college, Ina worked as a customer service representative at a local bank.  After work, some of the employees would go out to dinner or to a movie and they would invite Ina to come along.  But Ina preferred to go straight home to have dinner and watch TV with her mother.

As the years past, Ina's manager encouraged her to apply for other jobs at the executive headquarters, but Ina wanted to remain close to home.  She was a good worker and customers liked her.  She received two promotions at the local branch, but her manager told her that she was limiting her career by only considering jobs at the local branch.  Ina explained to him that she was happy doing what she was doing, and she didn't feel the need to apply for jobs outside of their branch.

Over the years, employees that were trainees under Ina excelled beyond her because they sought opportunities at the executive branch.  Ina remained in her job as a senior customer service representative, but this didn't bother her.

When Ina was in her mid-40s, her mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer.  Ina took time off from work to take care of her.  Despite what the oncologist said, Ina had no doubt that her mother would recover.  Even as her mother's health continued to deteriorate, Ina held onto this belief.

When the doctor recommended hospice care, Ina became furious.  She felt he was giving up on her mother, and she told him so.  She held onto her belief that her mother would survive up to the day she died.  Then, she went into shock.

For several weeks, Ina was unable to even get out of bed.  Her aunts took turns taking care of her.  All she wanted to do was sleep.  She felt that living life without her mother was unbearable.  When she was awake, all she did was cry.  She was inconsolable.

After three months, Ina returned to work.  She felt like she was in a daze.  She had lost more than 20 lbs. and she looked pale.  Fortunately, she knew her job so well, after all those years, that she could perform her duties, even though she felt like she was living in a dream.  Whenever anyone tried to express their condolences, she would stop them. She didn't want to talk about it.

When she got home, she didn't know what to do with herself.  Everywhere she looked, she saw reminders of her mother.  She was unable to give away her mother's clothes.  Instead, she would often go into her mother's closet, hold her mother's garments to her face and smell her mother's perfume which was still embedded in the clothes.  Then, she would cry.  Her aunts offered to help Ina give away the clothes, but Ina wouldn't even hear of it.


On the fifth year of the anniversary of her mother's death, Ina's manager found Ina crying at her desk.   He closed the door and talked to Ina about going to therapy.  He confided in Ina that he had attended therapy several years ago when he and his wife ended their marriage, and he found it helpful.

By this time, Ina's grief had grown worse, not better.  She knew she couldn't go on like this, so she decided to start therapy, even though she didn't feel that anyone could ever help her to feel better about her mother's death.  Even the thought of feeling better made Ina feel that she would be disloyal to her mother.

Initially, Ina was defensive in therapy.  She only wanted to talk about her mother and the times they spent together.  She never wanted to talk about any plans for the future.  She couldn't even envision herself making plans for the future that didn't include her mother.  Although she would never hurt herself, there were many times she wished she could just go to sleep and not wake up.

At first, she resisted all recommendations about things she could do to take care of herself so she could feel better.  She didn't want to exercise or go to a yoga class or join a book club.  She didn't want to reach out to the few friends who remained in her life.  She just wanted to keep doing what she was doing, even though she was feeling miserable.

Then, her therapist recommended that they do inner child work using hypnosis.  Ina had never experienced hypnosis before, but she decided to give it a try.  She felt it was better than her therapist's other recommendations.

Much to her surprise, Ina was able to sense the younger part of herself that felt so vulnerable and afraid.  Using hypnosis, she was able to nurture that younger self, and she began to feel some relief from her grief about her mother's death.

After a few months, Ina still felt sad, but it wasn't an inconsolable sadness.  She still missed her mother, but having the ability now to nurture herself emotionally, she felt the sadness was more manageable.  She still visited her mother's grave every week and "talked" to her mother, but she wasn't crying as much as she was before.

After several months, Ina felt like she might be ready, with help, to give away her mother's clothes.  So, her aunts came to help her clean out the mother's closet.  Ina held onto a particular dress that she knew her mother really loved, and she allowed her aunts to give away the other clothes to a charity organization.

At her therapist's recommendation, Ina did her own private ritual to commemorate her mother's life.  She set up a place on her dresser with a picture of her mother, a candle, and her mother's favorite broach.  Then, she said a tearful goodbye to her mother, acknowledging that her mother was gone, but she would always have a place in Ina's heart.

After that, Ina felt somewhat better.  She realized that she would always have her memories of her mother, and she believed her mother was "in a better place."

Gradually, over time, Ina became more social.  She had some regrets that she had remained "stuck" for so long and she would never get that time back.  But she began to take her first tentative steps to make friends and, for the first time in her life, to date men.

Enmeshed Mother-Child Relationships:  Overcoming Inconsolable Grief 
In the vignette above, Ina, who is a fictional character, eventually attends therapy to deal with her inconsolable grief.  But there are many people, who have similar experiences of grief, who never even consider going to therapy. They remain stuck emotionally in their grief for the rest of their lives.  In their senior years, they often have regrets for everything they never experienced in life.

For people going through this experience who are open to therapy, they're often surprised that they can feel better.

Often, what happens is that they experience how they can internalize their mother emotionally in a new way, even though the mother is no longer alive.

Although the mother is no longer alive in the here-and-now, the adult child can feel the mother as alive in his or her own internal world.

This type of work, for people who have been very enmeshed with a parent, isn't quick.  Often, the person who feels grief has mixed feelings about letting go of the sad feelings.  There is an illusion that by holding onto the sadness, they're holding on to their dead parent in some way.

Clinical hypnosis is often helpful when there is inner child work to be done, as in the vignette above.  It helps clients to get to a place on an unconscious level that is usually difficult to get to with regular talk therapy.

They're often surprised to discover that it's quite the opposite.  Letting to of the sadness allows the person who feels grief to make room for a different experience, the internalization of the parent in a healthier way.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you've lost a mother or someone close to you and time has passed, but you're not feeling any better, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients with this issue.

In most cases, people find a new way to overcome their grief that still honors the relationship with the person who died.  But it also allows the person who is still alive to transition to having a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:
Avoiding Codependency With Your Children

Overcoming Shame in Enmeshed Families