Are Your Emotional Needs Being Met in Your Relationship?

One of the leading causes of relationship breakups is when one or both people in a relationship feel that their emotional needs aren't being met.  And, yet, so many couples are reluctant to discuss this important issue with each other.  

Are Your Emotional Needs Being Met in Your Relationship?

Every Relationship Goes Through Its Ups and Downs

You can't expect that your spouse or partner will always be attuned to your emotional needs. There can be many reasons why your spouse isn't meeting your emotional needs at a particular point in your relationship, including financial or work stressors, anxiety, medical problems, problems with your children or other family members.

But if you find that, over a period of time, your emotional needs aren't being met in your relationship, it's time that you and your spouse sit down for a heart-to-heart talk about what's going on in your relationship.

What Does It Mean to Have Your Emotional Needs Met?
You and your spouse or partner won't always be on the same page about everything.  For instance, you might have particular interests that your spouse doesn't have or vice versa.  So, neither you nor your spouse are likely to meet all of each other's needs.  This is why it's healthy to have friends that you enjoy seeing where you have common interests that you and your spouse might not have.

But when I refer to having your emotional needs met by your spouse, I'm talking about, on the most basic level, feeling loved and cared about by your spouse.

Each Person Might Communicate Love in a Different Way
Many  couples, who have been together for a long time, stop expressing their love and appreciation for each other the way they used to when they first met.  For a lot of these couples, it's not so much a matter of not caring any more as it is that, over time, they've forgotten how to communicate these feelings to each other.  Or, in some instances, they might never have known how to do it.

For other couples, each person in the relationship might have a different way of expressing love and appreciation.  If each person in the relationship is on a different wavelength about how to express love and appreciation, each of them might miss certain gestures that are meant to convey these feelings.

For instance, a husband might express how much he loves for his wife by making sure that her car is always in good working order.  But the wife in this relationship might feel unloved because, from her point of view, husbands who love their wives express it by saying, "I love you" or by bringing them flowers.

Since they're both coming from different places about how to express love, the wife might completely miss that this is her husband's way of showing that he loves her.  She might just think her husband likes tinkering with the car.  And the husband might feel unappreciated for his efforts.  So, it's important for each person to understand his or her spouse.  And there can be some compromise around these issues if the couple takes the time to talk about it.

You Deserve to Have Your Emotional Needs Met
Many people struggle  with the idea that they deserve to have their emotional needs met, especially if they grew up in a household where their emotional needs weren't met when they were children.  As adults, they might not know what they need in order to feel loved.  Or even if they do know, they might feel so undeserving that they don't feel entitled to it.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you feel you're not getting your emotional needs met by your spouse, you're not alone.  Many people seek out help in individual therapy as well as couples counseling because of this issue.

If your spouse is willing to participate in couples counseling, you both can learn to change the current dynamic in the relationship.  You'll probably also learn a lot about what your spouse has been experiencing in his or her relationship with you.

Even if your spouse isn't willing, at this point, to participate in couples counseling, you can benefit from your own individual therapy to learn to deal with this issue in your relationship and to avoid the anxiety and depression that can often develop when your emotional needs aren't being met.

About Me

I am  a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Trying to Avoid the Emotional Pain of a Breakup By Having the Next Romance in the Wings?

There are many people who start casting an eye around for the next romance as their current relationship is ending.  They prefer to have a new person in the wings so they can begin a new relationship just as the current one ends.

Trying to Avoid the Emotional Pain of a Breakup By Having the Next Romance in the Wings

Why Do People Seek Out a New Romance as the Current Relationship is Ending?
There are lots of reasons why people want to have the next romance in the wings when they're going through a breakup, and many of those reasons are fear based:

Fear of Being Alone
Some people seek out someone new immediately because they're afraid of being alone.  To them, being alone often means they're undesirable.  They like to go from one relationship to the next without ever being single, if possible.

Fear of Dealing with the Emotional Pain of the Heartbreak
Related to fear of being alone, many people don't want to deal with the emotional pain of the breakup.  Rather than deal with painful emotions, they want to immerse themselves in a new relationship to avoid feeling the pain.

You Can Run, But You Can't Hide

While it's understandable that no one wants to feel the emotional pain of a breakup, thinking that you can avoid the pain completely by seeking out someone new is an illusion.

Running from the problem isn't the answer.  You might distract yourself for a while with someone new, but pushing down the emotional pain from the breakup will just cause it to manifest in other ways, including physical ailments (headaches, stomach problems, body aches, etc).

In addition, whether you realize it or not, you bring your old emotional baggage from the current relationship into the new relationship.

Learning to Cope With Emotional Pain Can Make You More Resilient
As much as we hope to avoid dealing with emotional pain in life, including the pain of a breakup, learning to cope with emotional pain, rather than trying to avoid it, is part of emotional development.

While you're going through the pain, it can feel awful.  But, usually, while you're recovering from the loss, you can learn a lot about yourself, relationships and life's lessons.

After you've healed, you usually realize that you can cope with a lot more than you might have realized, and you don't need to distract yourself with a new relationship, a drink, a drug, gambling or other potential emotional numbing activities.

Healing From Heartbreak and Building Resilience to Deal With Life's Inevitable Challenges
Once you've recovered from your loss, having gone through the emotional pain, you often become more resilient and better able to deal with the next challenge in life.

Just knowing that you were able to cope with the pain and you got through it, as painful as it might have been, can give you more confidence to deal with future adversity, which is unavoidable in life.

Getting Help in Therapy
Everyone needs help at some point in his or her life.

If you find that you're having a difficult time coping with a breakup on your own or even with your emotional support network, you could benefit from seeking the help of a licensed psychotherapist, who can help you to work through the healing process.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and  Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples, and I've helped many people through the emotional healing process.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Serious Medical Problems Can Change How You Feel About Yourself

When you're healthy and your life is going well, all other things being equal, it's easy to feel good about yourself.  But when you develop serious medical problems, it can change how you feel about yourself and about life in general.  When people develop serious medical problems, they often have a sudden sense of their physical and emotional vulnerabilities in ways they might not have experienced before.  

Serious Medical Problems Can Change the Way You Feel About Yourself

Reactions to Being Diagnosed with a Serious Medical Problem:  Shock, Fear, Anger, Sadness

If the medical problem is unexpected and potentially life threatening, people often experience shock at hearing the diagnosis.  Initially, a sense of disbelief can create a sense of emotional paralysis and confusion.  When the shock wears off, people often feel a combination of fear, anger and sadness about the "unfairness" of being diagnosed with the illness.  

Each person's experience is different.  These feelings don't occur in a linear way or, necessarily, in this order.  They can happen all at once or in any order.  However it happens, it usually takes people outside of their everyday experience and it can change their perception of themselves.

Being Treated as "a Sick Patient" 
A day before you received a diagnosis of a major medical illness, like cancer or heart problems, you probably thought of yourself as a husband, wife, mother, father, brother, sister, friend, an employee and all the other identifications that we all take on in life.

Suddenly, after you've been diagnosed with a major medical problem, your doctors identify you as a "sick patient," a "cancer patient," a "heart patient" or whatever diagnosis is applicable.  This isn't a criticism of the medical profession.  It's just the way it is in many medical settings, especially hospitals. When this happens, you can feel like you've been reduced to one identification-- your diagnosis.

You're More Than Your Medical Diagnosis
But each of us, no matter what our health issues might be, is more than any particular diagnosis.  We're whole people with relationships, histories and, hopefully, dreams for the future.  After a while, if you take on the identification of your diagnosis, it can change how you feel about yourself, reducing you to a list of symptoms.

Words Are Powerful
For the sake of maintaining a healthy emotional attitude, it is far better to be thought of as "a person with cancer" rather than "a cancer patient" (or whatever diagnosis applies).

You might think that this is just a matter of semantics, but it's not.  Words are powerful. When you're identified as "a cancer patient,"the implication is that this is your primary or, worse, your only identification.  But when you're identified as "a person with cancer," the implication is that there is a lot more to you than just your medical diagnosis--you're a whole person with a life that includes your medical diagnosis but also goes beyond your illness.  Rather than losing your sense of self to your illness, you maintain all the different aspects of yourself.

Research has shown that a positive attitude can have a significant effect on recovery.  So, maintaining a healthy sense of self can make the difference between having a good or a poor medical outcome.  So, how you think of yourself, including your sense of identity, is important.

Finding New Meaning in Life While Dealing With a Serious Medical Problem
I know there are exceptional individuals who are given serious medical diagnoses who find tremendous new meaning in life.  They appreciate every day, their relationships take on new meaning, and they might even find a renewed sense of spiritual connection.

While this is certainly impressive and something to aspire to when you've been diagnosed with a serious medical problem, a lot of people, through no fault of their own, find if very difficult to get to this place emotionally, and pointing to these exceptional people can make these other individuals feel blamed for not being able to reach such an enlightened state.

Your Internal and External Resources
If you're fortunate enough to be an individual who is resilient and who has a good emotional support system among family and friends, your chances for maintaining a healthy sense of self, despite the illness, are better.

As a resilient person, who has emotional support, you might have an awareness that, during the course of your life, you've overcome other challenges and you could see your medical problems as one more challenge to be overcome.

But not everyone is fortunate enough to be resilient and have a support system.  In addition, sometimes, prior emotional trauma can get triggered when you're diagnosed with a serious medical problem.  At that point, you're not only dealing with the current medical problem, but you're also dealing with the emotions that get triggered from prior trauma.

Under these circumstances, it's not unusual to feel powerless.  Feeling powerless, due to the current situation as well as feelings triggered from the past, can cause you to feel anxious or depressed.

Suddenly, your life looks a lot different from before your diagnosis.  People who have been diagnosed with a major medical problem, often talk in terms of "before the diagnosis" and "after the diagnosis" with the diagnosis serving a dividing line in their lives.

Getting Help in Therapy
Working with clients who have medical problems, I often find that a combination of clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing (SE) can be very effective to help them overcome the emotional challenges and maintain a healthy sense of self.

If you're struggling emotionally due to a medical diagnosis, you owe it to yourself to seek the help of a licensed psychotherapist who practices clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing.  

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Talking to Your Spouse About Your Therapy Sessions

Psychotherapy clients often ask me for my opinion as to whether it's advisable for them to talk to their spouse or significant other about their therapy sessions.

Exploring the Meaning of Sharing the Contents of Your Therapy Sessions With Your Spouse

While I certainly don't have a "rule" about clients speaking to their spouse about their psychotherapy sessions, when a client asks me about it, I like to explore the meaning it has for him or her and how s/he thinks it might affect his or her participation in therapy.

Talking to Your Spouse About Your Therapy Sessions

After we discuss it, many of them come to the conclusion that, while it might be interesting, at times, to talk to their spouse about what they discussed in therapy, there might be times when they don't want to share everything.  

For most people, it's not a matter of keeping secrets from their spouse.  It's more a matter of having a place where they can come, where the time is dedicated exclusively to them, and where they can explore anything they want to talk about in a non-judgmental, empathic environment.  Most people don't have this experience in other areas of their lives.  

Therapy as a Special Time and Place For the Client
Therapy is a special time and place for the client.   Often, people like to reflect quietly on their therapy sessions afterwards.  Some people keep a journal of their thoughts and dreams related to their therapy.

Aside from the fact that it's often difficult to convey to someone who wasn't there the personal experiences that they have in therapy, clients often want to take the time and space for themselves to fully experience the sessions.  

The Unconscious Processing of the Therapy Session Continues After the Session
Most clients, who have experience with therapy, know that the unconscious mind continues to process the session even after the session is over.  Since the experience is unconscious, they might not have a direct experience of it immediately.  But, often, this unconscious processing shows up in dreams, day dreams or a sudden, new awareness about themselves or their lives.

Since this unconscious processing continues after the session, this process can be foreshortened by the feedback that a client gets from a well-meaning spouse.  When people who were not in the psychotherapy session hear about the session, it can seem totally different to them as compared to clients' personal experiences.  A lot goes on unconsciously between the therapist and the client that is unspoken, but is just as real an experience as any client-therapist verbal exchange.  

Trying to Explain Feelings That Are Often Ephemeral: Words Can Elude You
When a client attempts to explain the experience in therapy to a wife or husband, the client might be cutting short the unconscious processing by trying to concretize it too soon.  Also, if the spouse's reaction is something like, "I don't get it.  What's so special about that?" and the client tries to explain or justify his experience, it often takes away from the experience.

This is not to say that most spouses aren't supportive of their loved ones being in therapy.  It's not about that.  It's about allowing the unconscious process to continue to go where it needs to go without external input. 

If you think about what it's like to really convey a dream sometimes, you can get a sense of what it can be like, at times, to try to convey the experience of some therapy sessions.  When you tell your dream, often, words aren't sufficient to convey your internal experience of the dream.  Trying to explain your experience in therapy can be similar.  It can be frustrating.  

After a While, You Could Feel Like Your Spouse is in the Therapy Room With You
The other reason you might not want to talk to your spouse about your therapy sessions is that, once you get into the habit of doing it, you can begin to feel like your spouse is in the room with you in every session.

At times, that could be a very emotionally supportive feeling.  But, other times, knowing while you're in session that you're going to talk about your therapy to your spouse afterwards, could inhibit you from expressing yourself freely in the session.  Some clients, who talk about their therapy sessions with their spouse on a regular basis, might not even realize that it could be inhibiting their free expression in session.  

The other factor is that people often come to their own individual therapy to talk about problems in their relationship.   They usually feel the need not to share certain aspects of this with their spouse.

To Share or Not to Share:  The Choice is Up to You
When you're in therapy, the choice is yours as to whether or not you share your experiences with your spouse or others.  But, before you share, it's worth considering the potential effects that talking about your sessions could have for your treatment.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.  

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

When You Just Don't Feel Right and It's Hard to Put Your Feelings Into Words

There are times when you "just don't feel right"and it's hard to put your feelings into words.  You just know that something is wrong.  Not being able to put words to your feelings can be especially frustrating if you can't attribute your feelings to any particular event or memory in your life.

When You Just Don't Feel Right

You're Not Alone
If this is happening to you, you're not alone.  Not being able to put uncomfortable feelings into words is a common problem.

Many people who have this experience think they need to know what's wrong before they come to therapy. Then, aside from not feeling right, they often feel ashamed of not being able to explain what's happening to them.

But it's important for you to know that in order to benefit from therapy, you don't need to be able to explain what's wrong.  A skilled therapist can help you to explore your feelings, discover the source of your problems, and help you to work through these issues.

The Mind-Body Connection
As a psychotherapist, I'm very interested in the mind-body connection, which is why I use clinical hypnosis, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing with clients.

When you learn to connect what's going on in your mind with what's going on in your body, it becomes easier to discover the source of your uncomfortable feelings and work through the problem.

You always have your body as a resource, and once you develop the skills necessary to tap into that resource, it's something that you'll always have, even when you leave therapy.

Using mind-body oriented psychotherapy isn't just an intellectual process, like many forms of talk therapy.  It's an integrated combination of your entire internal experience as well as what might be happening for you now or your memories from the past.

Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy:  Clinical Hypnosis, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing
When I use mind-body oriented psychotherapy, like clinical hypnosis, EMDR or Somatic Experiencing, I continue to help clients to connect with their unconscious process, the experience you're having that might be outside of your every day awareness.

I'm psychoanalytically trained, and exploring the unconscious is an important part of my work.

Finding Out More About Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy
If you're curious about mind-body oriented psychotherapy, like clinical hypnosis, EMDR or Somatic Experiencing, take a look at the links I've provided below.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Are You and Your Partner on the Same Wavelength About Your Relationship?

After the initial stage of dating, when you're both having a good time and things are passionate, more than likely, you and the person you're dating begin to assess if you each think you're compatible to take your relationship to the next level.  If you want to be in a serious, committed relationship, part of dating is to try to determine this and to see if you're both on the same wavelength.

Are You Compatible With Each Other?
It's not always easy to determine if you're compatible with one another.  If you want to be in a long term relationship, it's important to know you want and what you might be willing to compromise about.

Are You and Your Partner on the Same Wavelength?

 
Communication is key, but not everyone knows how to communicate about this, especially when s/he feels there isn't a future for the relationship.  Some people will go to great lengths to avoid having this conversation because it often makes people feel emotionally vulnerable.  While it's understandable that it can be an uncomfortable conversation, avoiding talking about it isn't the answer.

Do You Both Feel the Same Way About Each Other?
Even when dating develops into a serious, monogamous relationship, as the relationship progresses, just  because you're in a relationship doesn't mean that you and your boyfriend (or girlfriend) are on the same wavelength about it.  Things change.  The relationship might continue to blossom and grow into a long-term relationship.  Or, you could end up breaking up.

Relationships often go through various stages, depending upon what each person wants.  It's important to know if what you want is the same thing that the other person wants.  If you both just assume that you both want the same thing, this is a recipe for disaster.

Potential Signs that You and Your Boyfriend Might Not Be on the Same Wavelength

• You sense that there's something "off" between the two of you and, rather than talk to him about it, you walk on eggshells instead.  On some level you might know that your relationship is in some sort of limbo, but you avoid talking to him about it because you're afraid to have this confirmed.
• You realize that he's not as available by phone, text or in person as he used to be (this assumes that there aren't any practical reasons for this), and you feel he's avoiding you.
• He often becomes distracted when you're together and you don't feel as close with each other as you used to be when you first started seeing each other.  This can be especially hurtful to the person who might still be interested.

The items listed above can also be the result of other causes, so you'll have to use your judgment to determine if these are signs that you're not both on the same wavelength or there's some other explanation.

Talk About the Relationship
But rather than looking for signs, which you can easily misread, have an honest and open discussion with the person you're seeing after you're been seeing each other for a few months.

If your boyfriend (or girlfriend) says it's still too soon for him or her to determine if the relationship will develop into something more serious, ask yourself if you would like to continue seeing this person to see where it goes or if you feel it's been long enough and you don't want to continue to spend time together.  Assuming that you want to be in a long term relationship, this can be tricky and there are a lot of personal and practical factors to take into account when you're making this decision.

When both people come to the same conclusion--that the relationship has taken its course and it would be better to breakup, it's obviously a lot easier than when only one person feels this way.  But, even so, the breakup doesn't need to be acrimonious.  If you're the one who wanted to remain together and he's the one who wants to break if off, try not to take it personally.  If the reason you're breaking up is because you're not compatible, it's not anyone's fault.  And, of course, if you both agree on continuing together, it's not a problem.

Coping With Change
Change is inevitable in life.  Even when the change is something that we want, it can be stressful.  It's even more stressful when the change isn't something that we would have chosen.

Getting Help in Therapy
Although it's hurtful, if there is a breakup, your emotional support network and your ability to bounce back from adversity can see you through until you heal.  

But if this isn't enough or if you don't have a good emotional support network and you're not feeling resilient at this point in your life, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to heal.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Role of the Family Scapegoat in Dysfunctional Families

The role of the child who is designated as the family scapegoat in dysfunctional families is to serve as the identified "problem" in the family.  Also known as the family's "black sheep," the child who is given this role tends to be the focus of the family.  

The Role of the Family Scapegoat in Dysfunctional Families

The family can point to the child who is placed in the role as the scapegoat and blame the family's problems on this child, which is the primary reason why families designate a particular child, usually the most vulnerable one, to be in this role.

When the Family Points to the Family Scapegoat,  They Divert Attention Away From More Serious Family Problems
More often than not, the family actually has more serious family problems than whatever problems the scapegoated child might have.  But by focusing on the child who is in the role of the scapegoat, the family is able to avoid looking at these more serious problems by pointing to this child as the source of their problems.

When young children are placed in this rigid role, they often believe that they're the source of the family's problems.  This is a heavy burden to place on a child and, aside from feeling overwhelmed by having this role imposed on him or her, the child often feels hurt, angry and shame.

Even if the child didn't have serious problems before, being burdened with this role can create its own problems.  It's not unusual for children who are in the role of the scapegoat to, then, develop emotional problems that affect them at home and at school.  This serves as further proof for the family that this child is the source of their problems.

Rigid Roles For Children Are Often Found in Dysfunctional and Alcoholic Families
Placing children in rigid roles often occurs in families where there is alcoholism.  Rather than deal with one or both parents' alcoholism, the family avoids dealing with it by saying that at least the scapegoated child is the "bad one" and is causing all the problems in the family.

If this family comes in for help, they usually point to the scapegoated child as the only problem because they want to avoid dealing with the alcoholism.  Sometimes, parents in these families go so far as to call  this child as "a loser,"which is a cruel and destructive way to describe any child.

Aside from placing one or more children in the rigid role of the "black sheep," these families often have other rigid roles, like designating another child as the "hero."  This is the child that the family points to with pride.  This child is pushed to be "the good one," and to get excellent grades and excel in other ways.

Even though it might seem preferable to be the "hero" than the scapegoated "black sheep," any kind of rigid role is destructive.  In the case of the "hero,"the child is expected to be perfect, which is another burdensome role to place on a child.  Also, parents often pit the "black sheep" and the "hero" against one another.

It's not unusual for adults, who were placed in this scapegoated role as children, to continue to feel like they're the "black sheep" in their adult lives.  Since they have internalized this role as children, they continue to believe it, sometimes for the rest of their lives, if they don't get help.  Internalizing this role can create feelings of low self worth, which can lead to problems with substance abuse, problems in relationships, and problems with the law.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you were considered the "black sheep" of your family when you were growing up, you don't need to continue to carry this burden as an adult.  You might not realize the toll that being designated as the family scapegoat can have on you throughout your life, especially if you believe it.

Psychotherapy can help you to overcome the emotional burden that was placed on you as a child so you no longer have to carry this burden as an adult.  You can work through this issue, free yourself from the destructive effects of your history, and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.