Clinical Hypnosis and the Mind-Body Connection

During the last 15-20 years mental health and medical experts have become increasingly aware of the strong connection between our emotions and our physical health and well-being. 

Clinical Hypnosis and the Mind-Body Connection

As medical experts become more knowledgeable about the mind-body connection, clients with certain physical problems that were once treated by doctors solely as medical disorders are now being referred to licensed mental health professionals with an expertise in clinical hypnosis (also known as hypnotherapy) due to a more sophisticated understanding of how our emotions affect us physically and the effectiveness of clinical hypnosis.

The following vignettes, which are composites of actual cases, with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, illustrate the connection between medical problems, the mind-body connection, and the effectiveness of clinical hypnosis:

Migraines and other Headaches:
When Lisa began having severe, debilitating headaches, she went to her medical doctor for help. She explained to her doctor how her headaches got so bad at times that she was unable to get out of bed. This resulted in significant time off from work as well as her husband having to take over most of the household responsibilities. These headaches were also starting to make her feel depressed and anxious. She tried most of the over-the-counter medications, to no avail.

When her medical doctor could not find any physical reason for her headaches, he referred her to a neurologist who conducted a battery of tests and tried various prescription medications to alleviate Lisa's headaches. But her neurologist ruled out any physical reason for her headaches and, not only did the medications not work, but they produced many annoying side effects.

As a result, the neurologist consulted with the medical doctor and they both agreed that whatever was causing Lisa's headaches had its origins in some emotional issue. They both concluded that Lisa could benefit from seeing a hypnotherapist to get rid of her headaches. Since Lisa knew nothing about hypnotherapy, at first, she was stunned and somewhat leery of their recommendation.

Clinical Hypnosis and the Mind-Body Connection

But her primary care doctor explained that many physical symptoms are derived from emotional issues, and he took the time to explain the mind-body connection of many different medical issues. He also explained the difference between stage hypnosis and clinical hypnosis (also known as hypnotherapy). He told her that when hypnotherapy is performed by a licensed mental health professional who is a trained hypnotherapist, it is an effective and well-respected form of treatment. He explained how Lisa would be in a relaxed state during hypnosis and in control at all times, maintain a dual awareness of the here-and-now as well as whatever she and the hypnotherapist were working on.

Lisa trusted her primary care physician, and she accepted his referral to a local hypnotherapist. She was a little anxious at first, but the hypnotherapist helped to set her mind at ease by patiently answering all of her questions during the initial consultation. Lisa was amazed that, within three sessions, her headaches were gone. Even more amazing to her, the hypnotherapist taught her how to do self hypnosis so that she could proactively manage her stress levels and prevent further occurrences of her debilitating headaches. Her hypnotherapist followed up with her in a month and then again in three months, but there was no recurrence of Lisa's headaches. At this point, it has been over three years since Lisa has had a headache. She continues to use self hypnosis to manage her stress. She no longer feels depressed or anxious, and she is grateful to be fully engaged in her life again.

Back Pain:
Robert woke up every morning with severe back pain in his lower back. When his primary care physician, his chiropractor, and a physical therapist could not find any medical reason for his back pain and medication only provided temporary relief, they all agreed that the origin of Robert's back pain probably had an emotional connection. They also all agreed that Robert could benefit from seeing a hypnotherapist.

Robert didn't know anything about clinical hypnosis and, even with their detailed explanations and the literature that they provided to him, Robert didn't feel comfortable seeing a hypnotherapist. He began taking painkillers, which helped for a while. But he soon found that he had to take higher and higher doses to get temporary relief from his back pain.

Clinical Hypnosis and the Mind-Body Connection

His primary care doctor warned him that the painkillers were addictive and Robert needed to be careful not to become addicted to the drugs. So, Robert stopped taking the medication and he decided to tough it out for a while. But after a week, he could barely get out of bed, he could no longer have sex with his wife, and he was falling behind in his work because he could hardly sit still at his computer, due to his excruciating back pain.

Reluctantly, he asked his doctor for a referral to a hypnotherapist. Robert approached his initial consultation with the hypnotherapist with a lot of skepticism, but he was desperate for a solution to his back pain so he listened attentively and tried to keep an open mind as the hypnotherapist explained the mind-body connection. The hypnotherapist answered all of his questions and concerns. Robert was especially fearful that he would lose control during the hypnotic state, and being in control at all times was very important to him.

To help ease Robert's mind, with Robert's permission, the hypnotherapist helped Robert to get into a relaxing, hypnotic state. Robert was amazed--this was the most relaxed that he had ever felt in his life. He was aware of the ticking clock in the office, the sounds coming from the street outside the office, and he felt that, if he wanted to, he could get up and leave at any time. It was just as the hypnotherapist had said--he was able to maintain a dual awareness of everything around him at the same time that he was enjoying this relaxed state. He was even more amazed when he returned to his usual state that he was only in this hypnotic state for five minutes. His experience of the hypnotic state was that it felt timeless.

Having had this relaxing, positive experience of clinical hypnosis, Robert was now ready to have the hypnotherapist use hypnosis to treat him for his back pain. Within five session, Robert was pain free. The hypnotherapist also taught Robert how to control his stress levels on his own through self hypnosis. A follow up session after one month revealed that Robert had no new occurrence of back pain. And after two years, Robert continued to report to his primary care physician that he continued to have no back pain.

These vignettes are just two examples of many that demonstrate the mind-body connection and the effectiveness of clinical hypnosis for pain management. Clinical hypnosis is also an effective tool for smoking cessation (usually within 3-5 sessions).

If you are suffering with a physical problem and your doctor cannot find a medical cause for your problem or if you have decided that you want to stop smoking, you could benefit from clinical hypnosis.

Getting Help - How To Choose A Hypnotherapist:
If you're considering clinical hypnosis, it's important to make sure that you see a licensed mental health professional who is a trained hypnotherapist and not a "hypnotist." There are important distinctions between a hypnotherapist and a hypnotist.

A hypnotist might have learned various hypnotic techniques, but he or she is not a therapist, not licensed, and will not have any mental health training. A hypnotherapist is a licensed mental health professional who understands the mind-body connection and who has been trained under the guidelines of a professional organization like the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis (ASCH). For more details, you can visit the ASCH web site: http://www.asch.net/.

About Me:
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find our more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing

Often, the way that we respond to a situation has a lot to do with our particular perspective and attitude about it. One way to help yourself to look at certain situations or problems is to "reframe" them for yourself. By reframing, I mean looking at the same situation from a different angle to come up with other creative points of view.

Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing

Here are a few vignettes that are examples of reframing:

Peg:
Whenever Peg met Susan for lunch, she would feel so annoyed because Susan was habitually 15 minutes late. Peg would sit and fume, thinking about how busy she was and all the things that she needed to do, and here she was sitting and waiting for Susan.

One the one hand, she felt like she was wasting her time waiting for Susan when she could be taking care of some of these other things. On the other hand, she also liked Susan very much and she didn't want to give up their lunches together because of Susan's problem with lateness.

One day, as she hesitated to pick up the phone to invite Susan to a lunch that she was sure Susan would be late for by 15 minutes, she decided that she needed to find another way to deal with this problem. She knew that she didn't have the power to change Susan, nor did she want to.

So, she thought about what change she could make, without giving up their friendship, where she could feel that her needs were being met. That's when an idea popped into her head: Instead of sitting and fuming about all the things that she needed to do, she could bring some of those things along with her and take care of them while she waited for Susan.

Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing

It seemed so simple that Peg couldn't believe she had not thought of this before. So, the next time that she met Susan, Peg brought her checkbook and some of her bills with her as well as her Blackberry to respond to email. When Susan arrived 15 minutes late, as usual, Peg felt that she had taken care of what she needed to do for herself and she could now relax and enjoy Susan's company instead of being distracted with her own annoyance and impatience. What Peg did was take a situation that was normally annoying to her and reframed it for herself into a time when she could do some things for herself.

Linda:
Linda was a receptionist in a small firm. She had worked there for many years. One of her duties was to keep the daily appointment calendar listing clients who were coming to visit managers. She had never become accustomed to using the computer to keep track of these appointments, relying on a basic appointment book instead.

Linda was extremely meticulous about this appointment book. Her supervisor thought she was meticulous to a fault. In fact, Linda was a perfectionist. She hated it whenever anyone crossed out names in the book or when there was any kind of messiness.

She would sometimes scold the managers if they crossed out anything in the book, but she refused to write in pencil. She had very set ideas about what was appropriate and what was not. Her supervisor spoke to her a few times about trying to be more flexible in her approach and warned her that if she continued to berate the managers, she would be written up.

Linda decided that she needed to change her attitude about this, but she wasn't sure how to do this. Then, one day, one of the managers approached her desk and told her that one of the clients cancelled his appointment. Linda noticed that her supervisor was standing nearby watching her reaction as this manager crossed out the client's name in the appointment book. Linda held her tongue.

After the manager walked away, Linda's supervisor approached her and suggested to her that this could be a chance for Linda to reframe this situation for herself: It could be an opportunity to practice letting go of her perfectionism. Linda thought about it for a few minutes and the more she thought about it, the more she liked her supervisor's suggestion: Instead of getting angry and frustrated, she could use this situation to practice. After a while, Linda was able to reframe for herself what was once an annoyance as a challenge to change her attitude and, over time and with practice, her attitude did change.

Reframing: An Opportunity For a Positive, Creative Response
The vignettes above are simple examples of reframing. I'm sure you can think of many others where you can challenge yourself to reframe what is usually an annoyance into an opportunity to have a more positive, creative response:

• Getting stuck in traffic
• Dealing with a rude sales clerk
• Waiting for a train that is late
• Being placed on "hold" for a long time
• Missing a flight

With practice, reframing becomes easier to do. When we reframe our experiences, we use our creativity to look at the same situation in a different way. Reframing helps us to deal with stressful situations in a more effective way. Often, we can find a lesson that can be learned from a particular problem. The facts of the situation remain the same, but we reframe the issue for ourselves so that we develop a new perspective about it.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients learn to develop new perspectives to old problems through reframing.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Stress Management: Finding Moments of Peace and Relaxation

It seems that, for many of us, finding a moment of peace and relaxation is becoming more and more of a challenge.

Stress Management: Finding Moments of Peace and Relaxation

With so many people multi-tasking, answering their cell phones while they're also sending out email, watching their computer screens at the same time that they're watching the news on TV, rushing from one place to another, finding a moment of peace and relaxation often takes a backseat to just about everything else and the typical response is, "I just don't have the time."

Taking A Few Minutes to Relax and Unwind
What we sometimes forget is that it often only takes a few minutes to unwind and relax. We can take an internal mini-retreat from our hectic day by finding a quiet place, taking a few deep breaths, closing our eyes for a minute or two and picture ourselves in a calm, relaxing place.

Stress Management: Finding Moments of Peace and Relaxation

In our mind's eye, we can go on a mini-vacation to any peaceful place that we choose to get away from the stress and strain of the day. As you breathe and picture this calm, relaxing place, allow your muscles to soften and relax. This short meditation can help refresh you for the rest of the day.

Taking just those few minutes to relax can make such a difference. When we return from our internal mini-retreat, we often feel refreshed and better able to tackle whatever stressors life throws our way.

It's important to have your own personal strategies for stress management that work for you. It can make such a big difference in your physical as well as emotional health and well-being.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I have helped many clients to learn to relax, create and develop their own stress management strategies that work for them.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Creating a Positive Rippling Effect

In my last post I wrote about The Positive Ripple Effect based on a chapter in Dr. Yalom's latest book, Staring at the Sun. I also gave case examples that I'm personally aware of about the positive rippling effect.

Creating a Positive Ripple Effect

 
Irving Yalom, Ph.D.
Dr. Yalom is an Existential psychotherapist and, while I'm not an Existentialist and I don't agree with all of his views, especially his views about religion and spirituality (basically, he says that he doesn't believe in any type of spirituality), I like his ideas about rippling and the positive effect it can have in an individual's social network and beyond.

The Positive Rippling Effect
When we hear about the positive rippling effect, we often hear about situations where someone has taken a big step towards affecting a change in his or her life as well as the lives of others: the person who engages in an act of courage who inspires others to act, the teacher or mentor who encourages others, the person who starts a movement that inspires others to join in, and so on.

But creating a positive rippling effect doesn't have to involve grand feats of courage or inspiring movements. More often, it's the every day small things that we do that can create a positive rippling effect.

It's a matter of being mindful of how we think and behave with others. It starts with our thoughts because our behavior is usually the result of our thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs. In my prior post, if the social services director believed that the situation was hopeless and she could not affect any change in her staff or the clients, she would not have implemented the changes that she did, which had a positive rippling effect in the environment and beyond (see prior post).

Change Begins with Our Thoughts, Attitudes and Beliefs
So, change often begins with our thoughts, attitudes and beliefs, and if you find that your thoughts tend to be pessimistic most of the time, it's worth questioning yourself as to what these thoughts, attitudes and beliefs are based on. Often, pessimistic thoughts are based on a history of disappointments and, in some cases, trauma. Other times, it's a learned pessimistic way of thinking that often is not questioned by the thinker. And, while you might be right that, in certain cases, there is reason to be pessimistic, if you find that this is your overall attitude towards life, you would probably benefit from stepping outside of yourself, taking an objective look, and questioning your overall beliefs and attitudes about life and other people.

So, as I mentioned, creating a positive rippling effect starts with our thoughts and manifests in our mindful actions with others. The positive rippling effect can start with simple acts: smiling at a stranger, giving your seat to an older or disabled person on the train, expressing gratitude to a spouse, friend, colleague or family member, and so on. These are small acts of kindness that, based on the phenomenon of emotional contagion, can ripple from you to that person and from that person to others.

Of course, if you're in a position to create a positive rippling effect by creating bigger changes in your environment, that's wonderful. But the point is that no one should feel discouraged about this because they're only focused on big changes. Small changes often have a way of snowballing into big changes, even if you're not always aware of it.

You can experiment with creating positive rippling effects by becoming aware of how you interact with others: Do you offer encouragement or discouragement? Do you tend to focus on the negative and the "glass being half empty" rather than seeing the positive? What is the quality of your engagement with others? Do you take the time to notice people in your environment and how you affect them? Are you conscious of being ethical with others? Are you empathetic towards others? Are you compassionate?

We all know how good it feels when someone offers us encouragement, compassion, inspiration, or engages in an act of kindness with us. It tends to open us up and allow us to feel that we can do the same for others.

Once you've developed an awareness of how you interact with others, if you don't like what you see in yourself, you can make a conscious effort to change. As with any change, it doesn't have to be perfect. The important step is to make a start. After you practice this for a while, the quality of your interactions with others often changes automatically so that you don't have to make such a conscious effort--you're doing it without even thinking much about it, and your affecting a positive rippling effect in your environment and beyond.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Positive Ripple Effect

I've been reading Dr. Irvin D. Yalom's latest book, Staring at the Sun, which I recommend. Dr. Yalom is a highly-regarded psychiatrist and author who has written several books, including Love's Executioner and When Nietzsche Wept, among others. He has a psychotherapy private practice in California and he specializes in Existential Psychotherapy. While I'm not an Existentialist, I like Yalom's latest book.  

The Positive Ripple Effect

In Chapter 4, Yalom discusses "the ripple effect," the effect that we have on others and how that effect ripples out throughout individuals' social network, often from one generation to the next. He indicates that, when people are struggling with the transience of life, it often helps them to think about the positive effects that they have had on others and how that effect continues to ripple out beyond their immediate social circle in ways that they often don't even realize. Knowing that something you did or said can have a positive rippling effect, sometimes going from one generation to the next, often helps mitigate fears about the transient nature of life.

In addition, the Framingham Heart Study, conducted by Nicholas Christakis of Harvard University, looked at 5,000 people who were followed over a 20 year period. One of the findings was that there was a ripple effect of happiness that spreads within social circles due to the phenomenon known as emotional contagion, where the happy emotions felt by those at the center of the social circle are spread out to the rest of the social network, similar to the concentric circles that you see if you toss a pebble in a pond. Of course, emotional contagion works the other way too--unhappiness can also spread within the social network.

The following vignettes, which are composites of various cases, are examples of the positive ripple effect and emotional contagion factor that I have witnessed in my psychotherapy private practice (all identifying information has been changed to protect confidentiality):

Alice:
Alice, who was a clinical social worker, was hired as a director for a social service agency that provided services to the homeless. When she was hired, her predecessor, who was retiring, warned her that morale in the agency was low and many of the caseworkers were unmotivated. By nature, Alice was a positive, upbeat person. No Pollyanna, she had worked in the social service field for many years and she was well aware of the challenges that social workers and caseworkers faced. She had no illusions that her job would be easy.

On her first day, she noticed immediately how unhappy and unmotivated the employees were. Their unhappiness was palatable and hung in the air with a dull heaviness. During the first week, she met with each employee to find out how they felt about their job and any recommendations they had for improvements. What she found was that most employees, especially those who had been there for several years, felt very pessimistic about the impact that they could have with the homeless population. They gave many examples of homeless clients returning again and again after they were domiciled, high alcohol and drug relapse rates, and the frustration of dealing with a cumbersome bureaucracy.

Alice was very concerned about the emotional contagion factor among employees as well as the effect it would have on clients. Within the first few months, she set about making changes to streamline bureaucracy and unnecessary paperwork and implement other important changes. Unlike her predecessor, who spent the last several years waiting for her retirement and who remained distant from employees and clients, Alice was very hands-on. She made sure that she was at the center of things and accessible to everyone.

Initially, her employees found her pleasant, but they were wary of her optimistic nature. However, over time, she started to gradually win them over, especially after she implemented a program where formerly homeless clients, who had gone on to further their education, get good jobs, and felt happy with their lives now, came back to talk to the staff and current homeless clients at the agency. 

These presentations helped to inspire both the caseworkers and the homeless clients. The staff got to see the positive impact that they had on former clients. Many of the current homeless clients at the agency felt hopeful that they too could make positive changes in their lives. 

All of them witnessed the ripple of effect of the staff's efforts and how it continued to have an effect on the former clients' children, the children's friends, and beyond. After a while, morale improved substantially and staff and clients alike began volunteering to work on projects to help improve the physical environment at the center (e.g., painting, putting up artwork, and making repairs). All of this served to have an upward spiraling effect.

Ralph:
Ralph was going through a particularly difficult time in his life. He and his wife had just separated and now he only saw his children on the weekends. He felt sad and pessimistic about his life. As the holidays approached, he dreaded having to attend an upcoming family reunion. He didn't know how he would respond if family members, who knew of his marital separation, asked him about it. He wanted to avoid the whole thing, but he knew this would be upsetting to his parents and other relatives and he didn't want to be alone, so he made the trip back home, expecting the worst.

As he anticipated, some of his relatives asked about the marital separation and it reinforced Ralph's feeling of being a failure in his marriage. This feeling of being a failure clouded his view of himself in just about every other area, even though, in reality, he was successful in his work and he had many friends and family members who cared about him.

At one point, his cousin, Mark approached him. Ralph had not seen Mark in many years, and he groaned inwardly, anticipating that Mark would ask him about Ralph's separation. Mark asked Ralph to take a walk with him around the garden so they could talk. Ralph thought, "Here it comes. He's going to ask me about my marriage." But to Ralph's amazement, Mark told him that he's been wanting to thank him for a long time, and it was way past time to express his gratitude on the positive effect that he had on his life.

At first, Ralph could not imagine what Mark was talking about. Then, Mark proceeded to talk about his incarceration in a federal prison for stealing checks from the mail while he was a postal employee. 

Initially, this made Ralph feel uncomfortable. However, Mark persisted, "I want to thank you for a letter you sent me while I was in prison that really turned my life around." Ralph had a vague recollection of sending Mark a letter, but he could not remember the details. Mark went on, "When you encouraged me to not give up, to use my experience to learn and grow, I really took that to heart. I saved that letter and read it over and over again. It got me through some difficult times in prison and motivated me to get my degree while I was in prison and to find a sense of peace and spirituality. Thank you so much. I've always remembered your words, and I tell my children the same thing when they go through difficult times."

Ralph was stunned and didn't know what to say. Just then, Mark's 13 year old son, Bobby, came out into the garden. Ralph had never met Bobby because he had not seen Mark or his family in many years. When Mark said, "Bobby, this is your cousin, Ralph," Bobby flashed a big smile and looked visibly excited. He said, "Oh, wow! Hi Ralph. It's great to meet you. Dad and I have talked about you a lot. He always tells me, whenever I feel like giving up, what you wrote to him and how much it helped him. Thanks so much."

Ralph felt very moved and held back tears. He had no idea that he had such a positive effect on his cousin and his cousin's family. Before going back into the house, he called his wife, Laura, and asked her if she wanted to try to work things out. To his surprise, she said she was going to call him and ask him the same thing. After three months of couples counseling, they worked out their differences, they got back together again and were happier than ever.

Whether we realize it or not, we often have a positive rippling effect on others around us who then pass on this effect to others. When we become anxious about the impermanence of life, the transient nature of all things, or other stressors in our lives, it helps to think about the positive effect that we can have in our social circles that often lives on from one generation to the next.

Next Article: Creating the Positive Ripple Effect

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individuals and couples.  

I have helped many clients to overcome obstacles so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping with Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship

Couples often come to couples counseling after one of them discovers secrets, lies or betrayal by his or her partner. Once trust is breached, it's difficult to restore it without the help of a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

Secrets and Lies in a Relationship

Clinical Vignettes
The following stories are examples of couples who struggled with betrayal in their relationship and came to couples counseling to work on these issues. All examples in this post, as well as all other posts, are composites of actual cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality.

Larry and Barbara:
Soon after they got married, Barbara discovered that Larry had significant credit card debt that he had not revealed to her. Barbara felt betrayed because they had talked about their personal finances, and she thought they had each shared all the important information that each needed to know. It wasn't until they wanted to buy a house that Larry, who felt very ashamed of his debt, revealed that he had poor credit. After that, Barbara wondered what else Larry might not have told her. When they began couples counseling, they were barely talking to one another and their marriage was spiraling down. However, over time, with Larry working hard in couples counseling to regain Barbara's trust, they re-established communication, and they were able to salvage their marriage.

Maureen and Cathy:
Maureen and Cathy moved in together after dating for two years. Soon after they were living together, Maureen sensed that Cathy was not being honest with her about Cathy's relationship with her ex. Maureen knew that Cathy maintained a cordial relationship with her ex, Mary, but she soon discovered (by looking at Cathy's cell phone bills) that Cathy was in contact with her ex a lot more than Maureen realized. When she confronted Cathy about it, Cathy became angry that Maureen was snooping on her. Maureen became furious that Cathy led her to believe that she and Mary only had limited contact, when, in fact, Cathy was talking to Mary several times a week.

Cathy denied that anything romantic was going on any more between her and Mary, and Maureen believed her. But Maureen felt betrayed that Cathy lied to her. Cathy countered that she felt Maureen wouldn't understand that Mary was going through a difficult time and she wanted to be supportive of her. When they came to couples counseling, each of them was polarized in their position. Maureen was ready to walk out on their relationship, but she decided to give it a last-ditch effort in couples counseling.

 Shortly after they started couples counseling, Cathy came to understand that lying to her partner was a betrayal, regardless of how much she thought Mary needed her. She realized that she had to put her relationship first and she was genuinely remorseful. Maureen, in turn, realized that she shouldn't snoop on Cathy. A few months later, Cathy set appropriate boundaries with Mary. When she saw Mary, she either saw her with Maureen or she let Maureen know that she was spending time with Mary. Both Maureen and Cathy learned to regain trust in each other.

John and Bill:
John and Bill were together for 15 years when John discovered that Bill had recently begun having secret chats in online sexual chat rooms. When John confronted Bill about his activities online, Bill was very contrite. He insisted that he only engaged in sexual fantasy online, and he never met any of these men in person. John was so stunned and angry by Bill's behavior that he didn't know what to believe. 

He felt betrayed by Bill's secrecy, and he thought about ending the relationship. But Bill convinced him to go to couples counseling to deal with their problems. While in couples counseling, Bill told John that he felt neglected by him sometimes, and he liked the attention he got online in the chat rooms. Rather than acting out, Bill learned how to express his feelings to John. He came to see that secretly participating in online chats was a form of infidelity. Over time, John forgave Bill and they were able to strengthen their relationship in couples counseling and re-establish trust.

Getting Help in Therapy
Dealing with secrets, lies and betrayal in your relationship and regaining trust can be very challenging.

If you and your partner are having a difficult time regaining trust in your relationship as a result secrecy, lies or some form of betrayal, you could benefit from couples counseling with a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist and couples counselor in NYC. I have helped many couples to work through problems in their relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, you can call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Coping with Blended Family Issues

Blended families, where children from different relationships, come together as a result of a second marriage or relationship, are becoming more and more common.

Coping With Blended Family Issues

Blended families have certain challenges that other families don't have. When you bring together children from two different relationships, certain conflicts can emerge as everyone gets adjusted to the new relationship and the combination of two different families. With a certain amount of forethought and planning, many of these issues can be resolved.

The following examples, which are composites of actual cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, illustrate some of the challenges that blended families might face:

Sam and Martha:
Sam and Martha were both in their mid-50s when they got married. It was the second marriage for both of them. Each of them had adult children from their previous marriages. A year after they got married, they bought a home together. They were both very happy in their marriage and in their new home. Six months after they moved in, Sam's daughter, Nina, a single mother of three children, lost her job and couldn't afford to stay in their apartment.

When she approached her father, Sam, about staying with him and Martha temporarily until she could get another job, Martha and Sam agreed to allow her to move in with them. However, nine months later, Nina was still living in their house with her children, and she was not making any effort to find another job. Martha was getting irritated and talked to Sam. He agreed that Nina was not living up to their agreement, and he agreed to talk to her. But Sam found himself unable to talk to Nina because he felt guilty about not being around when she was growing up.

So, he kept putting off having the talk with her, and Martha was getting increasingly annoyed. She felt taken advantage of by Nina, and she resented Sam's passivity. By the time they came for couples counseling, Martha was talking about divorce and Sam was despondent, caught between his daughter and his wife. After a few sessions, they realized that they allowed Nina to move in without a well-thought out plan. Although they couldn't go back to undo that mistake, they talked how to resolve this situation in a way that would preserve their marriage and try not to alienate Nina.

Sam also entered into his own individual therapy to deal with his guilty feelings about not being around for Nina when she was a child. Soon, they came up with a reasonable plan that they both agreed to, and Sam presented it to Nina. Nina felt hurt initially, but she eventually came to understand that Martha and Sam wanted their home back. So, within two months, she found another job and moved into her own apartment with her children. The tension between Martha and Sam was resolved, and they were closer than before, and Sam was able to make amends with Nina for neglecting her as a child.

Betty and John:
Betty and John met each other in a bereavement group that they were attending to grieve the loss of their spouses. What started out as a supportive friendship turned into a romantic relationship within a few months. Betty had two teenager daughters and John had a seven year old son and a five year old daughter. After they got married, they all moved into Betty's house because it was larger than John's house.

Problems between the children from this blended family began almost immediately. Betty's daughters resented John's younger children and felt annoyed when they wanted to hang around when their friends from high school came over. John's younger children felt left out and would cry and act out. Betty was home all day and so she had to deal with these conflicts. She found herself caught in the middle between her children on one side and John and his children on the other side.

When she told her daughters to be patient with the younger children, they got angry with her and they felt that she cared more about John's children than them. When she told the younger children to play on their own and not to barge in on her daughters and their friends, John's children sulked and complained to John when he got home from work.

Then, John would get irritated with Betty. She felt she was in a no-win situation. When they came to couples counseling, John and Betty were both exhausted and frustrated with the situation and wondering if they had made a mistake by getting married. However, after a few couples counseling sessions, they learned that they needed to come up with a united front to deal with these blended family issues.

They also came to appreciate just how difficult it is for children to deal with the loss of a parent at the same time that they are adjusting to a new blended family. They soon came up with a compromise that allowed the teenagers to have their privacy at certain times as well as family outings where everyone came together for a good time.

Getting Help in Therapy
Blending family issues can be problematic but, with the assistance of a licensed mental health professional, they can often be resolved.

If you and your partner are struggling with blended family issues that you cannot resolve on your own, it might be beneficial to attend couples counseling to work out these issues and save your relationship.

About Me
I am a NYC licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.  

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.