How to Become a Better Partner in Your Relationship

If you're in a long term relationship, it's easy to forget what you need to do to be a good partner.  Even though it might not be your intention, you could stop doing the necessary things to sustain your relationship. 

How to Become a Better Partner in a Relationship

If you're not currently in a relationship but you would like to be in one, developing your relationship skills will help you to find a compatible partner.

Tips on How to Be a Better Partner in a Relationship

• Be Honest: Honesty is a trait that most people mention when asked what they value in a partner.  This means when you meet someone who is a potential partner that you're honest and upfront about what you're looking for so no one feels they are wasting their time. If you're looking to date casually, say so.  If you want to be in a relationship, say that.  Too many people hesitate to say what they really want in the beginning and this causes problems later on.  Honesty can come with tact and empathy for the other person, but it's better to be upfront about your needs.  Once you're in a relationship, take time every so often to talk about how things are going.  By communicating in this way, you get to address small problems before they become big ones (see my article: Be Honest With Your Partner).

• Be Trustworthy and Keep Your Promises: Along with being honest, being trustworthy and keeping your promises is another trait that many people mention when they talk about traits in a partner they want. Have integrity (see my article: Keep Your Promises).

• Be a Good Listener: Many people who are in a relationship are so eager for their chance to be able to say what they want that they don't listen to their partner. If you're unclear about anything your partner is saying, ask for clarification.  

• Practice Responding Instead of Reacting: Relationships take work and can be stressful at times.  Taking a moment or two to respond can keep a disagreement from becoming a big argument (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

How to Become a Better Partner in a Relationship

• Practice Self Validation: Being attuned to your own needs is important when you're in a relationship, especially if you have a tendency to put other people's needs ahead of your own.  Although you're in a relationship, you also need to validate yourself as an individual (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

• Grow as an Individual: Many people lose their sense of individuality once they have entered into a relationship.  Rather than becoming fused with your partner, maintain your friendships, interests and explore areas where you want to grow (see my articles: Losing Yourself in a Relationship, Resist the Urge to Merge and Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

• Practice Validating Your Partner: Emotional validation is seeing, understanding, respecting and accepting your partner's emotional experience--even if you don't agee with the content of what they are saying (see my articles: What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill? and How to Use Emotional Validation Skills With Your Partner).

• Spend Quality Time Together: Although it can be difficult to find the time, you and your partner need to spend quality time together--just the two of you (see my articles: Creating Special Times Together in a Relationship and Spending Time Together vs Time Apart).

• Develop an Understanding of Your Attachment Style and How It Affects Your Relationship: (see my articles:  What is Your Attachment Style? and How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

• Express Gratitude to Your Partner: (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude to Your Partner).

How to Become a Better Partner in a Relationship

• Set Relationship Goals (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship).

• Talk to Your Partner About Sex: Many people don't feel comfortable or don't know how to talk about sex with their partner.  Sex in a relationship can change over time both physically and emotionally, so it's important to know how to talk about sex (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex, Sexual Compatibility Can Develop and Evolve Over Time and What is Good Sex?).

• Talk to Your Partner About Money Before You Live Together: Aside from sex, money is another topic that many couples don't feel comfortable talking about. But this is such an important topic that it shouldn't be neglected (see my articles: Talk About Money Before You Get Married or Live Together and Financial Infidelity is a Major Issue in Many Relationships).

Conclusion

Whether you're in a long term relationship, just starting a relationship or you want to be in a relationship at some point, developing the necessary skills to be a good partner is important to developing and sustaining your relationship.

Just like you develop any other skill, you can learn to be a better partner.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people didn't grow up in a family where they saw good relationship skills modeled for them.

Whether you attend individual therapy to work on your own issues or couples therapy to deal with relationship issues, you can learn to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you stuck.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop as an individual and as a partner so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with adult individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Self Validation?

I have been focusing on emotional validation in relationships in my last two articles (see my articles: What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill? and How to Develop and Use Emotional Validation Skills in Your Relationship).

The current article will focus on validating your own internal experience, which is called self validation.

What is Self Validation?

Self validation is when see, understand, respect, and accept your internal experience.  This includes your thoughts and feelings.

Self Validation

Self validation doesn't mean that you believe your thoughts and feelings are objectively true.  In other words, you might have a particular experience (thoughts and feelings) at the moment, but your perception might not be accurate.

You might not have all the information related to the situation and you might experience it differently when you do have all the information (see my article: Discovering That Your Thoughts and Feelings Aren't Facts).

Nevertheless, you are entitled to have these emotions given what you thought at the time. By self validating, instead of being critical of yourself or feeling ashamed, you accept that your feelings were normal given what you believed at the time.

How to Practice in Self Validation

There are many ways to practice self validation. 

Here are a few ways you might find helpful?

    Practice Mindfulness Meditation

Developing a mindfulness meditation practice can help you when you are learning to self validate your internal experiences (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation).

If you're a beginner to mindfulness meditation, you can try Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn's recording, "Mindfulness For Beginners."

Self Validation

When you practice mindfulness, you're observing and accepting your thoughts and feelings without judgment.  

This takes practice.  Your thoughts will wander, but you just bring your attention back to noticing your internal experience--no matter how many times it takes.  

In addition, if you're accustomed to being critical of yourself, you will probably do that at first.

Over time, you can develop the capacity to sit with even painful emotions without judgment (see my article: Mindfulness Meditation to Cope With Painful Emotions). 

    Treat Yourself the Same Way You Would Treat Your Best Friend

Imagine that their best friend was having the same internal experience that find difficult to accept in yourself.

Self Validation

• Would you judge your best friend?  
• What would you say to your best friend to comfort them?
• Can you try saying the same thing to yourself?

This type of reframing is called a cognitive interweave.  It's often used in EMDR therapy to work on trauma.  It's also used in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).

A cognitive interweave is a strategy used by therapists to help clients when the clients get stuck in emotional loops that go round and round during processing in therapy. If this looping isn't dealt with, it will get in the way of the client moving forward in therapy.

    

    Recognize and Acknowledge the Many Internal Parts Within Yourself

In a prior article, Understanding the Different Parts of Yourself That Make You Who You Are, I discussed the idea that each person has many different parts, which are also called self states. 

The term self states was coined by Dr. Philip Bromberg, a New York psychoanalyst, in his book, Standing in the Spaces. 

Self states are experienced internally as different ways of being, feeling and thinking, and this is normal.

An example of this would be: "Part of me feels sad that I can't to the party, but another part of me feels glad to stay inside in the comfort of my home." 

You can fill in any emotions.  Both emotions are true and valid even though they contradict each other.  

The point is that even though people tend to think of themselves as unitary beings, everyone is made up of many different internal parts.

In terms of self validation for difficult emotions--whether it's anger, sadness, resentment, jealousy, and so on--it helps to be able to step back, as you would during a mindfulness meditation, and recognize that whatever uncomfortable emotion you're feeling, this emotion is just a part of you.  It might be a big part, but it's not all of you (see my article: Is It Possible to Feel Gratitude Even When You Feel Sad?).

For instance, many people are familiar with the concept of the inner child, a term which was  coined by Dr. Carl Jung.  The term inner child is a metaphor.

When an experiential therapist does Parts Work Therapy (also called Ego States Therapy), they often help clients to externalize these parts so the parts can have a dialogue--whether it's the inner child and the adult self or two other parts (see my article: How Parts Work Therapy Helps to Empower You).

When you can use a part of you to observe another vulnerable part, you usually feel more self compassion for the vulnerable part.  

For instance, sticking with the example of the inner child: 

If you want to heal a traumatized part of yourself that holds the emotional pain of a childhood trauma, you can tap into your experience as an adult, realizing that you are no longer that traumatized child.

A phrase I often use with clients when I'm doing Parts work in this way is "That was then" (referring to the traumatized part).  "And this is now" (referring to the adult part).  

This helps to distinguish the younger, vulnerable part from the more capable adult part who, unlike the younger child part, knows that you survived the ordeal and you're now an adult--even though you might have moments when you feel like the traumatized child.

You can imagine the adult part asking the younger part what they need.  Then, with the help of a Parts Work therapist, you can switch your awareness from the adult part to the younger part to answer ("I need to feel seen"). 

Switching your awareness again to the adult self, you can imagine that part telling the younger part that they see and care about the younger part.  Then, switch again to take that in as the younger part.  And so on.

Eventually, there is an integration of the two parts so that the younger part is assimilated and is no longer a separate part that can be triggered.

If you know that traumatic feelings are "held" by a younger part, you can more easily validate that experience.  Instead of being judgmental whenever emotions related to the trauma come up, you can feel empathy for that younger part of you.

    Remember Other Times When You Overcame Difficulties With Emotions

When you're struggling with your internal critic and judging yourself for having difficult emotions, it helps to remember other times when you had difficult emotions and you got through it.

Self Validation

It will help you to realize that you have skills and strengths you can use in the current situation (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

    Normalize Your Behavior

It's okay to have a negative thoughts and emotions.  

Instead of telling yourself that you're a "weak person" or making up a negative story about yourself, recognize that it just means you're human and normal (see my article: Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are).

    Get Help in Therapy

Many people find it easier to validate other people's emotions than they do to validate their own.  

Often this is because their emotions were invalidated during childhood in their family of origin and they have internalized these critical experiences on a deep level (see my articles: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated and How Childhood Memories of Being Powerless Can Get Triggered in Adults).

Working Through Unresolved Trauma in Therapy

If you have been unable to overcome the problems that keep you from validating your own experiences, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

Working through unresolved trauma can free you of your traumatic history so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How to Develop and Use Emotional Validation Skills in Your Relationship

 In my last article, What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill?, I defined emotional validation and gave examples of how you can validate your partner's emotions.  I also gave examples of common invalidating responses that  people often make to their partners followed by an example of a validating response for the same scenario.  

In the current article, I'm focusing on the next step, which is how to develop and use these skills (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship).

Developing and Practicing Emotional Validation Skills

A Brief Recap From the Prior Article 

Emotional validation is

• seeing
• understanding
• respecting and 
• accepting another person's emotional experience--even when you don't agree with what they're saying

In other words, you're validating their emotional experience whether they're sad, angry, confused--not whether they are right or wrong about whatever conclusions they're coming to about the issue.

By validating their emotional response, you're not invalidating their emotions by

• defending (being defensive)
• ignoring (pretending not to hear them or walking away)
• dismissing (minimizing their concerns or telling them you don't want to hear it)
• rejecting (telling them they don't really feel that way)
• criticizing (telling them they shouldn't feel that way)

For a more detailed definition and related examples, see the prior article.

Developing and Practicing Emotional Validation Skills

Just like any skill, emotional validation skills require practice.

Developing and Practicing Emotional Validation Skills

Once you have developed emotional validation skills, you can use it in any situation, including with partner, friends, relatives, colleagues as well as with your self, which is called self validation.

If you're accustomed to making invalidating statements, don't expect to develop emotional validating skills over night.  Just like any other skill, you'll need to practice and there will be times when you don't get it right.  If that happens, just acknowledge it and try again.

• Identify and Acknowledge the Emotion:  Start by finding out from your partner what emotion they're feeling.  Sometimes, this might be obvious because they might have told you, but other times you might not be sure.  If you don't know, asking what they're experiencing shows that you care.  

Validate Your Partner's Emotions

• For instance, if your partner is angry with you and it's clear that this is the emotion they're feeling, you can say, "I see that you're angry."

• If you're not sure about the emotion, but you can see they're upset, you can say, "You seem angry" and if your partner is feeling something else ("I'm not angry. I'm hurt"), you can acknowledge that.

• Find Out What Triggered the Emotion: If it's not obvious or if your partner hasn't already told you the source of the emotion, ask what triggered the emotion.  If your partner is too upset to tell you, ask if it would be better to talk about it when they're calmer or just say that you recognize that something is upsetting them.

• Validate the Emotion: Assuming your partner is able to tell you what they're feeling and you know what triggered it (possibly something you did or didn't do), validate their emotion (see my article: Having the Courage to Admit When You Made a Mistake).

• For instance, if your partner is angry because you forgot to buy milk on the way home, like they asked you to do, validate their anger, "I understand you're angry because you specifically called me this afternoon to remind me to buy milk and I forgot. I can see why this would make you angry."

• This is not the time to make excuses about why you forgot the milk--unless there was an extenuating circumstance, like you got into a car accident.  But this isn't going to be the case most of the time. 

Examples of Invalidating and Validating Statements

I gave 10 examples of invalidating and validating responses to particular situations in my  last article.  But this is important enough to give a few examples here to clarify what I mean:

• Invalidating Response: Stop making a mountain out of molehill.
• Validating Response:    I understand why you feel that way.

• Invalidating Response: You have it better than most people. Stop complaining.
• Validating Response:     That sounds really frustrating.

• Invalidating Response:   I'm not going to listen to this.  
• Validating Response:      I care about you and your feelings.

Conclusion

When you validate your partner's emotions, you're letting them know that you have heard what they said and you understand their emotions.

Validating Your Partner's Emotions

This will help you to be more empathetic towards your partner, and they can also practice being validating so it will improve your relationship.  

Just saying the right words isn't enough.  You really have to be attuned to your partner's feelings so that you are sincere (a sarcastic response will make matters worse).  

Be aware that aside from being attuned and empathetic, your facial expression and body language says more about what you're really feeling than your words.  

• A caveat: No one should ever tolerate emotional abuse and certainly not physical abuse. So, if your partner is being abusive, you'll need to set limits around this behavior first.

It's not your responsibility to fix their emotions.  Your only responsibility is to validate their emotions and, if you were at fault, to acknowledge this too.

Validating your partner's emotions can help to defuse an otherwise contentious situation and it can bring you closer together.

Also see my article: What is Self Validation?.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and people in relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

  

         

What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill?

Emotional validation is seeing, understanding, respecting and accepting another person's emotional experience--even when you don't agree with them.  When you validate your partner's emotional experience, you show that you care and your partner feels heard and loved (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse and 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship).

Emotional Validation is a Powerful Relationship Skill

What is the Difference Between Emotional Validation and Invalidation?

Emotional validation lets a partner know they are understood and cared about. Invalidation is the opposite (see my article: Having the Courage to Admit You Made a Mistake).

Emotional Validation vs Emotional Invalidation

Invalidation occurs when respond to your partner's emotional experience by

• defending (as in acting defensive)
• ignoring
• dismissing 
• rejecting or
• criticizing

Most of the time when someone in a relationship invalidates a partner's emotions it's not intentional. They're not intentionally trying to hurt their partner.  

Invalidation occurs because someone hasn't developed emotional validation skills. Most likely, they grew up in a home where their emotional experiences weren't validated.  Instead of being validated, their emotions weren't seen or heard a lot of the time (see my article: Growing Up Feel Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

The good news is that emotional validation can be learned.  It takes a lot of motivation and practice, but it can be done.

Scenarios of Emotional Invalidation vs Validation

You might recognize some of the following scenarios of invalidation as examples of when you invalidated your partner's emotions or you were on the receiving end of invalidation.  

You can also learn from the examples how to change the way you respond to your partner.

Here are scenarios showing an invalidating response and then the validating response.

Scenario 1

Jane: I felt so embarrassed and angry today. My boss criticized me in front of my staff.  

    Invalidating Response

    Bob: You shouldn't feel that way. You know he's an idiot.

Emotional Invalidation

    

    Validating Response

    Bob: You look really upset. I can understand how you feel that way.

Scenario 2

Jim: When I showed my dad my second place award for my artwork, he said I should've gotten first place for all the money he spent on my art lessons when I was a kid. I felt so ashamed when he said that.

    Invalidating Response

    Linda: Just forget about it. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

   Validating Response

    Linda: Wow. I can see why that was so hurtful.

Scenario 3

Lynn: When I told my sister that I signed up for acting classes, she told me that was silly and I should just grow up. She's been criticizing me ever since we were kids.

    Invalidating Response

    Jack: Stop being so sensitive. 

Emotional Invalidation

    Validating Response

    Jack: I know you've been really looking forward to those lessons, so I can see why your sister's comment hurt you so much.

Scenario 4

Ina: You really hurt my feelings when you said you think I'm too old to take dance lessons.

    Invalidating Response

    Bill: Well, Ina, you are too old.  You're almost 40. You're going to be in that class with people much younger than you. 

    Validating Response

    Bill: I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. There's no reason you can't take those lessons. Maybe I'm the one who's feeling old and I took it out on you.

Scenario 5

Tania: I feel hurt that you forgot my birthday.

    Invalidating Response

    Tom: Don't make a big deal out of it! I'm not perfect. Are you perfect?

    Validating Response

    Tom: I understand why you're hurt and I'm sorry. 

Scenario 6

Mary: You don't care about me--you didn't even notice that I'm wearing a new outfit. 

    Invalidating Response

Jack: Why do you need so much praise? You're so needy.

    Validating Response

Jack: I can see how you feel that way. I need to get better at noticing these things. And I do love you.

Scenario 7

John: I felt so hurt when you flirted with my friend, Joe, last night.

    Invalidating Response

    Barbara: You're so clingy! Get over it! It's not like I slept with him!

Emotional Invalidation

    Validating Response

    Barbara: I can see why you felt that way. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I won't do it again.

Scenario 8

Ona: You kept staring at that attractive woman last night and ignoring me. I felt hurt.

    Invalidating Response

    Brad: I'm married to you--not her. Can't a guy even look at another woman without getting the third degree?

    Validating Response

    Brad: You're right. I shouldn't have stared like that. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.

Scenario 9

Joe: Whenever you fly, I get so anxious.

    Invalidating Response

    Nick: There's nothing to be afraid of. You know flying is safer than driving. Get over it.

Emotional Invalidation

    Validating Response

    Nick: I get that you're anxious because your brother died in a plane crash. From now on, I'll call you as soon as the plane lands.

Scenario 10

Paula: You ignored me when I told you I wasn't feeling well.

    Invalidating Response

    Lance: You know I don't like talking when I'm watching the game. It's not like you were dying.

    Validating Response

    Lance: You're right. I did ignore you and I'm sorry. You're more important to me than the game.

Discussion About the Invalidating and Validating Responses

Do you recognize yourself or your partner in some of these invalidating responses?  

What do you notice about the invalidating responses?  

You can probably see that they are insensitive and lacking in empathy.  

As mentioned earlier in this article, these invalidating responses are also examples of behavior that is either:

• defending (as in acting defensive)
• ignoring
• dismissing 
• rejecting or
• criticizing

In addition, some of these responses show contempt which, according to relationship expert, Dr. John Gottman, is very damaging to a relationship.  

In fact, Dr. Gottman, who has been doing research on relationships for decades and who has a 90%+ success rate at predicting when a relationship will fail, indicates that contempt, along with criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling, which he coined The 4 Horses of the Apocalypse, is one of the signs that a relationship in serious trouble.  

If you're accustomed to responding by invalidating your partner's feelings, you might not see it immediately, but take a look at Scenario 3 where Jack accuses Lynn of being "sensitive." His response goes beyond being invalidating--it shows contempt as well as being shaming.  

Scenario 6, where Jack responds to Mary with an accusation that she's being sensitive, is also a form of contempt.  Ditto for Scenario 7 where Barbara accuses Jack of being clingy.

What do you notice about the validating responses?

These statements are non-defensive so that the partners aren't trying to explain away or justify their behavior.  

They're also not ignoring, dismissing, rejecting or criticizing their partner's feelings.  And there are no signs of contempt.

The validating statements show that the partner understands what their partner is feeling--even if they don't completely agree with it  (see my article: Making and Receiving Loving Gestures to Repair an Argument).

For example, in Scenario 6, Mary concluded that Jack didn't care about her because he didn't notice her new outfit.  While Jack acknowledged he didn't notice her outfit and he understood her feelings, he also let her know that he does care about her.  So, he validated her feelings while he also told, tactfully, her how he really feels.

Conclusion

Emotional invalidation is hurtful.  

Unfortunately, it's also common, especially among people who were emotionally invalidated as children.  It becomes a learned response that people often have a hard time seeing when it's pointed out to them because it's so deeply ingrained in them since childhood.

Emotional validation is a powerful relationship skill because it allows your partner to feel seen, supported and cared about by you.

It's also a skill that can be learned.

I'll discuss how to learn and practice emotional validation in my next article: How to Develop and Use Emotional Validation Skills in Your Relationship.

Also see my article: What is Self Validation?.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Can Modern Day Age-Gap Relationships Last?

The term "age-gap relationships" refers to relationships where the age difference is at least 10 years or more.  These type of relationships are also called "May-December" relationships.

Age-Gap Relationship: Older Woman With Younger Man

Growing Social Acceptance, But There is Still Some Social Disapproval

There is growing social acceptance for age-gap relationships because many people believe that "age is just a number." They don't see the age difference as a deal breaker.  

In addition, people are generally living longer and healthier lives so they can enter into new relationships more easily than people from past generations.

There are also famous examples of relationships where there is a large age gap, including French President Emmanuel Macron and his wife, Brigitte, who is almost 25 years older than him. And, as of this writing, they have been married for 15 years.  

Despite growing acceptance, there is still significant social disapproval and a stigma against age-gap relationships.  An individual's sex, culture and age are determining factors as to whether someone approves or disapproves of these relationships.

Although most people prefer to be with someone close to their own age, in the Western world, it has been estimated that approximately 8% of heterosexual relationships are age-gap relationships with an age difference of 10 years or more.  

Historically, age-gap relationships have involved older men with younger women.  But there are now more older women and younger men who are entering into these relationships (see my articles: Relationships Between Older Women and Younger Men - Part 1 and Part 2).

There are also gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender age-gap relationships, but there's not as much research about them.  Hopefully, there will be more research in the future.

Why is There Still a Stigma Against Age-Gap Relationships?

A stigma still exists based on a long history of suspicion about relationships where there is a big age difference.  

Age-Gap Relationships: Younger Woman With Older Man

The most common reason for this stigma is the perception that one of the people (either older or younger) is using and taking advantage of the other person.

If it's an older man and a younger woman, many people believe he's "creepy" and going through a midlife crisis, and she's a "gold digger."  

If it's an older woman and a younger man, many people believe that he's a "gold digger" and she's having a midlife crisis and trying to recapture her youth.

Underlying some of this judgement and criticism might be a lack of understanding about what brings two people together--regardless of their chronological age.

In addition, there might also be an element of envy among people who are living a more conventional life and who secretly wish they could live outside the confines of tradition.

What Are the Possible Advantages and Disadvantages of Age-Gap Relationships

It's important to recognize that, just like any two people, the individuals in an age-gap relationship are unique individuals in particular circumstances.  So, what works for one couple might not work for another.  

At the same time, generally speaking, there can be certain challenges and benefits to these relationships.

    

    Possible Challenges:

• Different Life Stages:  This is probably the biggest perceived challenge of age-gap relationships.  Although this isn't necessarily a challenge for every relationship where there is a big age difference, it can be a challenge for others.  For instance, there is often a challenge if one person wants to have children and the other has already had children and doesn't want any more or they are unable to have children due to age (although there are now medical advances to address infertility and other options, like adoption).  If children aren't a consideration, different life stages can be easier for the couple to negotiate.

• Power Dynamics: When there's a significant age difference, there could be problems with power dynamics with the older person, who has more life experience and who might have more money and professional success, having more power in the relationship than the younger person (regardless of sex, race or sexual orientation).  However, this is an issue that can be worked out if the couple is aware of it, communicates well and makes an effort to change it.

    Possible Benefits:

• Living Longer: Some people in age-gap relationships live longer.  This might be due to a healthier outlook on life as well as a younger partner's ability to take care of the older partner later in life.

• Many Younger Men Prefer Older Women (and vice versa): Younger men who are in relationships with older women often say they prefer older women because they have more life experience, and they tend to be more confident, assertive and mature. Also, older women often know what they want both in and out of bed and usually have more sexual experience than younger women (see my articles: Who Says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex? and Many Older Women Remain Sexually Active).  In addition, many older women say they get along better with younger men, who have the same youthful outlook as they do.  They also see younger men as healthier more energetic than most older men.  In addition, older women and younger men are often more sexually compatible.

• Many Younger Women Prefer Older Men (and vice versa): Similar to younger men who prefer older women, younger women, who are attracted to older men, often say that older men offer more emotional and financial stability.  As compared to younger men, older men are often established in their career and they have more time for relationships.  Also, since they are no longer focused on building a career, they often have more time for relationships.  Similarly, older men often prefer the company of younger women because of their youthful outlook and appearance.  Also, they can still have children.

Reframing Concepts Related to Age-Gap Relationships

People who in age-gap relationships are usually well aware of the social disapproval and stigma associated with their relationships.  

In certain situations, the adult children of the older person attempt to interfere with the relationship because they fear their parent is being taken advantage of (as previously mentioned) or that they will lose their inheritance to the parent's younger partner.  The older partner would be wise to address these issues directly with his or her adult children instead of allowing suspicion and resentment to grow.

Social disapproval, stigma and family conflict often mean that there can be conflict within the relationship due to external pressure.  But if the couple is able to work on and transcend these difficulties, they can build a stronger relationship.  

Tips on How You Can Have a Lasting Age-Gap Relationship

While there are no guarantees for any relationship, regardless of age, these tips can help a couple to have a happier relationship when there's a big age difference:

• Share Your Expectations With Each Other: Knowing what you each want and expect can be helpful for navigating the differences in an age-gap relationship.  This helps to avoid misunderstandings and disappointments.

• Embrace Your Differences: Regardless of age, there will be differences between two people in any relationship.  Every couple is unique.  If you both know, accept and appreciate that you're each at different stages of life, your relationship is more likely to succeed.

• Focus on Mutual Interests: You and your partner might have come together initially because of mutual interests.  When you enjoy these interests and activities together, you can both enjoy each other more than if you're focused on your age difference.

• Be Willing to Explore Your Partner's World: Your partner might have a unique perspective in certain areas.  A willingness to explore those perspectives can make life more interesting and exciting.  It can also help you to grow and bring the two of you closer together.

• Talk About Possible Caretaking of an Older Partner: Rather than shying away from this challenging issue, talk about it in advance.  Know what you each want and expect and what would be involved.

Conclusion

Although there is still some social disapproval, there is growing acceptance of age-gap relationships in our society.

In the end, it all comes down to the two individuals in the relationship.  

Talking about your expectations, embracing your differences, focusing on mutual interests, showing a willingness to explore your partner's perspectives, and talking about real life issues involved when there is an age difference can contribute to the success of an age-gap relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples in traditional and non-traditional relationships (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.