The 5 Flirting Styles: The Physical Flirting Style

In a prior article, What's Your Flirting Style?, I began a discussion about the five flirting styles as described in Dr. Jeffrey Hall's book, The Five Flirting Styles: Use the Science of Flirting to Attract the Love You Really Want.  Dr. Hall did extensive research on this topic, as described in his book.

The Physical Flirting Style

In the current article, I'm focusing on the Physical Flirting Style, but first, let's review of the 5 Flirting Styles:

Summary of the 5 Flirting Styles

If you haven't read my prior article, I suggest you take a moment to review it because it provides an overview of the five flirting styles, as described by Dr. Hall in his research on flirting.

It's important to note that Dr. Hall's research focused on heterosexual men and women, so it does not include the LGBTQ population.

In reality, most people are a combination of flirting styles. 

There is often one style that predominates for a particular person.  For the sake of simplicity, I'll be discussing these styles individually.

As a recap from the last article, here's a brief summary:

• Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. They often have a particular goal of making a  sexual conquest, a date or a getting into a relationship. They enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting, so sometimes they don't have any goal except to enjoying being flirty and playful. It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but they're not especially intimate.

• Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways of flirting where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest but men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out. 

• Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is especially sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.

• Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic. 

• Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment, so, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones. 

What is Sociosexuality?

Sociosexuality, which is also referred to as sociosexual orientation, was studied by the famous Sex Researcher Alfred Kinsey over 70 years ago.

Since that time, sex researchers have continued to study sociosexuality.

Sociosexuality is on a spectrum with regard to a person's willingness to engage in sexual activities without emotional involvement. 

On one end of the spectrum, where sociosexuality is unrestricted, a person is willing to have sex without emotional involvement--"no strings attached."  

On the other end of the spectrum, where sociosexuality is more restricted, a person needs to feel an emotional attachment in order to have sex. 

Then, there's everyone else in between.

The revised Sociosexual Orientation Inventory (SOI-R) was designed to measure sociosexuality in three areas:

• Behavior
• Attitude
• Desire

A High SOI means an unrestricted orientation.  

A low SOI means a more restricted orientation.

Unrestricted sociosexuality is associated with:

• Early life experiences with sex
• More frequent sexual activity
• A greater number of sexual partners over the course of a lifetime

People with unrestricted sociosexuality also tend to score 

• Higher on openness to experience
• Extroversion
• Lower agreeableness
• Lower on honesty-humility
• Higher on erotophilia*

*Erotophilia is a personality trait which assesses a person's disposition to respond to sexual cues in either a positive or negative way.  

People with an erotophilic personality tend to 

• Masturbate more
• Fantasize more frequently
• Think about sex more often
• Tend to have more sexual experiences.

The scale ranges from erotophobic** to erotophilia.

People with an erotophobic personality tend to have

• More traditional sex roles
• Sexual guilt 
• Negative reactions to masturbation
• Negative reactions to non-heteronormative sexuality

Sociosexuality and Flirting Styles

Sociosexuality is related to a person's flirting style and the types of relationships they prefer.

The more unrestricted a person is with regard to their sociosexuality, the more willing they are to 

• Pick up strangers
• Hooking up for casual sex or one-night stands
• Have multiple sexual partners 

The more restricted a person's sociosexuality the less likely they would be to 

• Engage in casual sexual behavior
• Have multiple partners or cheat.

Knowing your sociosexuality is important to knowing whether you want to seek out a more stable relationship if you're more restricted or if you want to see people casually for sex if you are more unrestricted.  

It's also important to know your sociosexual orientation can change over time.

People who have a more restricted sociosexual orientation tend to have either a 

• Traditional Flirting Style, or a
• Polite Flirting Style

People who have a more unrestricted sociosexual orientation tend to have a 

• Physical Flirting Style, or a 
• Playful Flirting Style

The Physical Flirting Style

    Age

With regard to age, according to Dr. Hall, people in their 30s are most likely to use the Physical Flirting Style as opposed to people in their 40s and beyond. 

This is, of course, a generalization and it doesn't mean that people in their 40s and beyond don't use their physicality to flirt.  It just means that many people tend to be most confident in their physical appearance in their 30s.

Another possible factor with regard to people beyond their 30s using the Physical Flirting Style is that, many of them are more interested in having a meaningful relationship as opposed to hooking up or casual dating. Once again, this is a generalization, but it's a possibility that Dr. Hall posits in his writing.

It's noteworthy that, according to Dr. Hall, many people in their 20s aren't as confident using the Physical Flirting Style, especially those who haven't had enough sexual, dating and relationship experience.  Based on Dr. Hall's research, people in their 20s are the age group that uses the Physical Flirting Style the least. 

    Women vs Men

Dr. Hall indicates that, comparing men and women, women tend to use physical flirting more often because, as women, they have more options as to how they use physicality--like flicking their hair, using making up, wearing sexy outfits, and so on.

This doesn't mean that men don't use the Physical Flirting Style--because they do.  They just do it in a different way as described in the two scenarios below.

Generally, women, who use a Physical Flirting Style, are good at attracting men through nonverbal cues, and men tend to be the ones who make the approach. There are, of course, women who approach men, but it doesn't occur as often.

Please Note: If this is your Flirting Style, it's important to remember that not everyone will be receptive to physical flirting, especially if it involves touching.  So, you have to be aware that it's one thing to touch someone's arm lightly versus touching other body parts.  And for some people even touching their arm might be considered a boundary violation.  Consent and context are important.

Complementary Flirting Styles

The Playful Flirting Style, which I 'll discuss in a future article, is the style most closely linked to the Physical Flirting Style.  The other flirting styles don't usually complement physical flirting.

Personality and the Physical Flirting Style

Generally speaking, people who use the Physical Flirting Style are

• Outgoing
• Friendly
• Like to be around other people.  
• Tend to have a positive disposition

Examples of the Physical Flirting Style

Here are two examples of the Physical Flirting Style:

Donna

Before going out with friends to a club, Donna gets herself in the mood for the night by blasting dance music and dancing around the room as she picks out the outfit she wants to wear based on her mood that night.

Once she meets up with her friends at a club, she makes it a habit not to stick with her women friends the whole night because she knows that many guys are too uncomfortable to approach a woman who is with a bunch of her friends. So she will occasionally go to the bar to order a drink on her own.  

The Physical Flirting Style

While she's at the bar, she will notice if there's anyone she finds attractive.  If there is, she will find a way to stand next to him, make eye contact, smile and greet him, "What's going on?" or she might ask him what he's drinking or any friendly comment to get the conversation started.

If the attractive guy at the bar doesn't seem interested, she'll linger for a moment and give it a second try with another friendly comment. But if there's still no interest, she won't hang around. Her attitude is "There's plenty of fish in the sea" so she doesn't need to waste her time with someone who's not interested in her.

But if she senses his interest, she knows it doesn't really matter what she talks about as long as she keeps the conversation going and she draws him in.  From there, as she talks, she will find ways to touch him lightly on his arm or shoulder--always making it look casual.  If the conversation is going well, she might give him her number or ask for his.

For some guys, Donna's Physical Flirting style might be too disarming and forward. This would be especially true for a man with a Traditional Flirting style, who likes to stick to traditional gender roles where the man initiates and a woman responds. But if the man Donna is talking to also has a Physical Flirting or a Playful Flirting Style, he might be delighted to meet Donna because they're on the same wavelength.

On other nights if Donna is in the mood to dance, she gets up on the dance floor by herself and let's herself dance with abandon. Inevitably, a guy will approach her and start dancing with her.  If she's attracted to him, she usually suggests they go outside for some air so they can talk more easily away from the noise.

If she's really attracted to the guy and she's feeling sexually aroused, she might ask him back to the apartment she shares with two other roommates. 

In some cases, these hookups remain one night stands for her because that's all she's interested in.  In other cases, she dates these men for a while or the encounter develops into a short term relationship.

Donna tends to go out with a confident and positive attitude. Even if she doesn't meet anyone she's attracted to on a particular night, she just thinks she'll meet someone the next time.  

A few years later, when Donna has matured and she wants to get into a long term relationship, she realizes she needs to change her Flirting Style.  

In terms of her sociosexual orientation, Donna had a more unrestricted sociosexual orientation when she was younger, which is common.  As she matures, she isn't as unrestricted because she's no longer interested in just having sex without an emotional bond, so she is somewhat more restricted--although, along the way to finding a serious relationship, she still enjoys occasional casual sex when she's in the mood.

As she matures, she remains confident, friendly and positive, but she puts more thought into her choices.  She also puts more thought into how she approaches guys.  

Her flirting style has evolved into a more Sincere Flirting Style style, where she's more interested in getting to know the man better before she's sexual with him.  However, her fliring style is now more of a hybid because she still experiences times when she has a Physical Flirting Style.  

John

John also has a Physical Flirting Style when he is in his 20s.

Before going to a club to pick up women, he always makes sure he does some manscaping and packs condoms in case he "gets lucky." He also stands in front of the mirror to comb his hair just the way he likes it (picture Tony Manero of Saturday Night Fever).

During that time, some women are put off by John's swagger.  But other women are attracted to his confident, friendly and outgoing manner, especially if they aren't looking for anything serious.

He usually looks for women who are standing alone and who look approachable. He's good at reading body language and other cues that a woman is interested. Then, after a few words of conversation, he buys them a drink.  If that goes, he would ask them to dance.  

The Physical Flirting Style

On the dance floor, he's never creepy or predatory.

He often ends the night with several women's phone numbers.  Sometimes, he hooks up with women in the backseat of his car or at a nearby motel.  In his 20s, he consides that a good night out.  

During that time, he's honest with women that he isn't looking for anything serious so there won't be any misunderstandings or hurt feelings. And, at any given time, he's usually dating several women at once, which he's also honest about with each woman.

But in his early 30s, John begins thinking seriously about what he wants. He isn't interested any more in hooking up for the sake of hooking up. It's become boring for him and he wants something more.

As his buddies get into serious relationships, get married and have children, John sees the appeal of their new lives.  Hooking up now feels empty and meaningless to him.  He wants to develop a relationship and build a life with someone.

The clubs no longer have as much of an appeal to him anymore, which is fortunate because there are fewer of them by the time John is in his 30s.  Instead, he joins dating apps to meet women.

In terms of his sociosexual orientation, John has changed from having a mostly unrestricted sociosexual orientation to being more selective. He isn't restricted, but he is more selective. He still enjoys casual sex at times, but he's more focused on meeting someone for a committed relationship.

His female friends complain to him that they're having problems meeting anyone serious on the dating apps but, as a man in New York City, he discovers he has a lot more choices than his female friends.

After many first dates with other women, he meets Sara.  Even though, in terms of how he's still mostly the physical flirting type, he takes his time to get to know her. Rather than just focusing on having sex right away, he establishs a rapport with her similar to the Sincere Flirting Style. 

Conclusion

The Physical Flirting style is one of five styles.

People with this style often use nonverbal touch and open body language. They're often good at reading other people's verbal and nonverbal cues to determine if they're interested. It's the also flirting style that is most sexually charged.

As illustrated in the examples above, flirting styles can change over time as people develop and mature.  Or, they can essentially remain the same but evolve over time.

In reality, most people are some combination of the flirting styles with two or more flirting styles.

In future articles, I'll focus on the other flirting styles.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What's Your Flirting Style?

In a "Love and Libido" podcast, Sex Therapist Dr. Emily Jamea interviewed Dr. Jeffrey Hall, author of The Five Flirting Styles: Use the Science of Flirting to Attract the Love You Really Want (see my article: How to Flirt Without Being Creepy).

This article is an introduction to the five flirting styles, which will be described in more detail in future articles.

Flirting

What is Flirting?

Flirting is when someone behaves as if they're attracted to someone.

Flirting usually involves a combination of verbal communication and body language. 

Depending on the goal of person flirting, flirting can start a sexual or romantic relationship with someone. It also can start a hookup or casual date.

In addition, it can be done as a way to amuse the person flirting and the person with whom they're flirting and have no other goal at all other than amusement.

Sometimes, people flirt as a way to get attention and an ego boost.

The 5 Flirting Styles

Most people flirt regardless of sexual orientation, gender, sex, sexual orientation, age, race and so on.

Dr. Hall's book focuses on heterosexual men and women.

According to Dr. Hall, the five flirting styles are:

• Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. They often have a particular agenda in terms of a sexual conquest, a date or a relationship. They just enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting.  It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but they're not especially intimate.

Playful Flirting

• Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest and men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out. 

• Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is especially sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.

Physical Flirting: Playing Footsie

• Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic. 

• Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment. So, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones. 

Personality Types and Flirting Styles

According to Dr. Hall's research, extroverts are usually open to new experiences and they tend to prefer physical, playful or sincere flirting styles. 

The research also indicates that introverts prefer traditional and polite flirting styles. 

Agreeable people tend to be sincere flirts.  

People who are moderately agreeable and conscientious, who are also outgoing, tend to be physical flirts. 

People who are not agreeable or conscientious tend to be playful flirts.

Flirting Styles and Dating and Relationship Success

Based on Dr. Hall's research, people with sincere, physical or playful flirting styles tend to have the best dating success.

People with sincere and physical styles tend to lead more quickly to relationships. 

Traditional flirts tend to take things slower, which allows for a relationship to develop over time in a meaningful way.

Polite flirts tend to be sincere, which helps some of them to be more outgoing.

Each style has its own advantages.  

Some styles allow people to connect with many people whereas other styles prioritize relationship building with fewer people.

Conclusion

Each flirting style has pros and cons.

Knowing your flirting style can help you to be aware of how you're coming across and if your particular style suits your dating and relationships goals--if you have goals--at particular points in your life.

Future Articles 

As I mentioned above, I'll cover each of these flirting styles in more detail in future articles.

See my articles: 

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Sincere Flirting Style

The Traditional Flirting Style

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Do People Leave Relationships By Ghosting?

Technology has made it easier than ever to connect with others for job hunting, dating and connecting with friends and family.  However, technology has also made it easier to disappear without communicating in dating relationships, serious relationship--and even in therapy.

What is Ghosting?

Ghosting is a term used to describe someone leaving a relationship by suddenly disappearing without an explanation. People who use ghosting as a way to leave a relationship withdraw without any further communication.  

Being Ghosted Feels Sad, Confusing and Frustrating

In addition, people who use ghosting often don't respond to the other person when they try to find out what happened, which can create confusion, sadness, feelings of rejection and abandonment.

Being Ghosted Can Cause You to Feel Rejected

Why Do People Leave Relationships By Ghosting?

There can be many reasons why people choose to use ghosting as a way of withdrawing from a relationship.

Here are a few of the most common reasons:

• Fear of Confrontation: Many people don't have the necessary relationship and communication skills to end a relationship. Since they don't know how to communicate their feelings and they are afraid of a confrontation, they just withdraw.  This type of emotional avoidance allows them to leave without the messiness they fear if they were to communicate directly (see my article: Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style of Emotionally Unavailable People).

Ghosting and Fear of Confrontation

• Avoidance of Responsibility: Some people don't know how to take responsibility for their feelings. So, they avoid taking responsibility by disappearing from the other person's life. 

• Poor Interpersonal and Communication Skills: Many people haven't developed the necessary interpersonal and communication skills to date or be in a relationship, so when there's a need for a difficult conversation, they choose to silently withdraw.

• A Lack of Empathy: People who use ghosting to leave a relationship often have problems putting themselves in the other person's shoes to anticipate how hurtful it is to be ghosted. In addition, due to their lack of insight, they often don't understand the confusion they create by ghosting or, if they understand, they don't care.

Are There Warning Signs That Someone Might Ghost You?

People who get ghosted are often surprised, but there are often warning signs that someone might ghost you if things aren't going well.

There is no one particular sign that points to the possibility of being ghosted, but if you see a few of the following dynamics, this could indicate someone who might ghost you:

• A History of Ghosting: Someone who has ghosted before will often do it again. If there's a history of ghosting that you become aware of while you're seeing someone, be aware they might do it to you.

• A History of Only Short Term Dating Relationships: If the person you're seeing has only been in short term dating relationships that last a few months or weeks, this could be a warning sign that they have problems committing and, therefore, tend to leave after a short period of time. 

• A Problem Forming a Meaningful Connection With You: If you're dating someone and you recognize that they have problems forming a meaningful connection with you, this could indicate that they don't know how to form connections and that ending a relationship will be even harder for them, which could lead to ghosting (see my article: Relationships: A Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable).

• Inconsistent Communication: If you notice that someone's pattern of communication with you is inconsistent or it takes them a long time to respond to you, this could indicate that they're about to fade from your life. Ghosting often begins with communication becoming more infrequent until they just slip out of your life.

• A Reluctance to Commit to Plans: If you notice that the person you're seeing cancels at the last minute or is reluctant to make plans altogether, this could indicate that they're ambivalent about the relationship and, possibly, they're planning to ghost you.  

How to Cope With Ghosting

Unfortunately, ghosting is common among people who don't know how to express themselves when they want to end a relationship and, as mentioned earlier, technology has made it easier for emotionally avoidant people to use ghosting as their exit strategy.  

Being ghosted can create confusion, self doubt and feelings of rejection, sadness and anger. It's also frustrating when you don't know what happened and the person who ghosted you is unresponsive when you try to contact them.

Being ghosted can also make you feel reluctant to date again because you fear it will happen to you again. 

Seek Emotional Support From Trusted Loved Ones: 

Talk to trusted loved ones and get emotional support. 

Close friends and family can help to validate your feelings and remind you how much they care about you.  

Emotional Support From Friends

Write in a Journal: 

Since ghosting can be so confusing, especially if you didn't see any warning signs, writing in a journal can help you to clarify your thoughts and feelings. 

It can also help you to release your hurt, anger and frustration.

Writing in a Journal

Get Help in Therapy:

It's not unusual for an experience of ghosting to trigger unresolved trauma related to feeling rejected and abandoned.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled mental health professional can help you to work through these feelings in a way you often can't on your own.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can overcome emotional pain, release unresolved trauma, and move on with your life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Personal Issues

In my prior two articles, I discussed sexual shame and guilt from an interpersonal perspective and from a cultural perspective.

Sexual Shame and Guilt

See my prior articles: 

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Interpersonal Issues 

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Cultural Issues

In the current article, I'm looking at how personal issues can affect sexual guilt and shame.

There's a lot of overlap with personal, interpersonal and cultural issues.  

If you haven't read the prior two articles, I recommend that you read them first before reading this one because those articles have more detailed descriptions about many of the problems outlined below.

Sexual Shame and Guilt

As a recap from my prior articles: The difference between sexual shame and guilt is:

• Sexual shame is a worry about being rejected for an aspect of who you are as a sexual being. 

• Sexual guilt is a worry about being rejected for your sexual thoughts, feelings or behavior. 

Personal Issues Related to Sexual Shame and Guilt Include (but are not limited to):

• Problems with body image (feeling too fat, too thin, breast size too small, penis too small, etc.)
• Discomfortable with undressing in front of a partner
• Insecurity with being a sexual person
• Lacking sexual self esteem
  
• Chronic stress related to sex
• Sexual anxiety
  
• Depression before, during or after sex
• Negative self talk about sex
• Harsh self judgment about sexual thoughts, feelings or behavior
• Fear of having sex
• Lacking sexual self awareness
  
• Inability to identify what is sexually pleasurable to you
• Arousal or orgasmic difficulties (assuming sexual activities are unrelated to a sexually inattentive partner)
• Isolation
• Problematic or compulsive sexual behavior
  
• Substance misuse or abuse
• Severe discomfort with sexual topics
• Difficulty talking about sex with a partner, medical professional or sex therapist
• Avoiding sex
• Limited or no sexual experience as an adult
• Worrying about smells or taste related to sex even though you and/or your partner are clean
• Avoiding masturbation
• Feeling ashamed and guilty about masturbation
• Discomfort with your own sexual fantasies or repressing your fantasies
• Discomfort initiating sex with a partner
• Feeling guilty after having sex with a partner
• Engaging in "duty sex" with a partner out of a sense of obligation
• Approaching sex with a partner as if it is a "chore"
• Fear of expanding your sexual repertoire to try to new sexual activities
• Believing sexual pleasure is only for heterosexual men and not for heterosexual women
• Repressing LGBTQ sexual orientation or gender issues
• Inability to set boundaries with others because you don't know your own sexual boundaries
• Experiencing physical discomfort during sex
• Severe body tension during sex
• Pain during sexual intercourse, including dyspareunia, vaginismus, phimosis (uncircumcised man's foreskin gets stuck so it cannot be pulled back)
• Fear of telling a partner you're experiencing sexual pain (related to "duty sex")
• Erectile difficulties (erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, erectile unpredictability)

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt

The following strategies may be helpful:

• Journal your thoughts about sex

• Get to know your body:

• Look at yourself in the mirror several times a week either without clothes or with minimal clothing, and pick one thing you like about yourself (no matter how insignificant it feels to you).

• If you're wearing clothes when you look at yourself, gradually wear less clothing over time to get comfortable with your naked body.

• Engage in solo pleasure/masturbation

• When negative thoughts about yourself as a sexual being arise, counter them with positive thoughts you genuinely feel

• Educate yourself about sex through reputable sex education podcasts like Sex and Psychology with Dr Justin Lehmiller

• Educate yourself about sex by reading books by sex therapists or sex educators, including Come As You Are By Dr Emily Nagoski

• Try to have conversations with your partner (if you're partnered) about sex (start small until you gain confidence)

Get Help in Sex Therapy

Overcoming sexual shame and guilt on your own can be daunting and you might need professional help from a sex therapist.

Get Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

There are no physical exams, nudity or physical touch during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of issues (see my article:What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can overcome your guilt and shame and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Interpersonal Issues

In my prior article, Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Cultural Factors, I began a discussion based on a book by Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD and Jennifer A. Vencill PhD that I have been recommending to clients. It's called Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships.

Interpersonal Issues Can Create Sexual Shame and Guilt

One of the topics the authors discuss is sexual shame and guilt and how these personal, interpersonal and cultural factors contribute to shame and guilt.

In the current article, I'm focusing on interpersonal factors and in the next article I'll discuss personal factors.

As a recap from my prior article on cultural factors: The difference between sexual shame and guilt, according to the authors, is:

• Sexual shame is a worry about being rejected for an aspect of who you are as a sexual being. 

• Sexual guilt is a worry about being rejected for your sexual thoughts, feelings or behavior. 

Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Interpersonal Issues

Sexual shame and guilt can come up in a relationship for many reasons.  

Here are some of the most common reasons:

• Growing Up in a Sex-Negative Family: Early experiences of growing up in a sex-negative environment usually carries over into adulthood if these experiences aren't addressed. For instance, if a child is repeatedly shamed and scolded by a parent for masturbating, that child can grow up believing sexual pleasure is wrong and "dirty" which can create sexual shame and guilt. This can also be complicated by religious or other cultural factors that were sex-negative as opposed to sex-positive (see my article: What Does Sex-Positive Mean?).

• Experiencing Childhood Trauma: If an individual was sexually abused as a child, they might get triggered during sex with their partner. Even if the abuse wasn't sexual, emotional or physical abuse often has lasting effects that can impact adult relationships (see my article: Overcoming the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse).

• Feeling Uncomfortable Talking About Sex With a Partner: This is a common problem--even for couples in long term relationships who are having sex but who feel too ashamed to talk it (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Engaging in "Duty Sex": Instead of sex being a way to connect in a mutually enjoyable, playful and intimate way, sex turns into a chore or obligation to avoid conflict and guilt. This problem is related to problems with talking about sex because the partner who is engaging in "duty sex" often doesn't know how to talk about it and the other partner, who might sense their partner is engaging in sex as a chore, also doesn't know how to address it.  Often neither partner feels good about "duty sex" because it's usually not pleasurable for either of them and it often creates more problems than it was meant to to avoid.  It's not unusual for one or both partners to find reasons to avoid having sex altogether so, eventually, they become a no-sex couple (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

• Experiencing a Partner Turning Away Sexually and/or Emotionally: Asking for emotional or sexual connection is a vulnerable act.  When a partner responds in an unsupportive way, this can create shame and guilt in the partner who is looking for support as well as the partner who can't or won't give it. This includes situations where a partner is turning towards the other partner for emotional or sexual connection but not getting it (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Experiencing a Partner Turning Away Sexually or Emotionally

• Lacking Sexual Experience: If one or both partners is sexually inexperienced, they might feel ashamed about this and guilty that their partner might not be enjoying sex with them. This can be due to cultural, religious or the partner's values. There's nothing wrong with waiting for sex, if that's part of a person's values.  It becomes a problem if it creates sexual shame or guilt.

• Experiencing Body Image Problems: There are messages everywhere--magazines, social media, TV--about how men and woman should look.  This is especially true for women. Both men and women can experience problems with body image in terms of weight, height, breast size, penis size and so on. Problems with body image can engender shame  about one's own body (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?). 

• Experiencing Libido Differences: Sexual desire discrepancy between partners is a common problem in relationships. Most couples don't have the same exact likes and dislikes in other areas of their life, so why should they experience sexual desire in the same way? It's only a problem when the couple can't reconcile these differences, which often causes sexual shame and guilt. Libido differences are the #1 reason why couples seek help in sex therapy (see my article: Mismatched Libidos in Relationships: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?)

• Experiencing Different Preference: Vanilla vs. Kinky Sex: If one partner only likes vanilla sex (meaning conventional sex) and the other partner only wants kinky sex, this can create sexual shame and guilt between the partners if it's not addressed. It can also lead to their becoming a no-sex couple. However, these preferences can be negotiated, and it's possible to reach a compromise if both partners can be flexible and find common ground (see my article: What is Kinky Sex?).

Sex Comes in Many Different Flavors: Vanilla and Kinky

• Having Misconceptions About Spontaneous and Responsive Sexual Desire: According to Sex Educator Dr. Emily Nagoski, who wrote Come As You Are, only about 15% of women experience spontaneous sexual desire, so the vast majority of women experience responsive desire. There are also men who experience responsive desire instead of spontaneous desire. However, many people aren't sexually informed about responsive and spontaneous desire due to a lack of sex education and a skewed portrayal of sexual desire in the media. These portrayals almost always show only spontaneous desire. In addition, in long term committed relationships, after the limerence phase of a relationship (also known as the honeymoon phase), many people, even individuals who experienced mostly spontaneous desire before, often experience responsive desire over time. Neither type of desire is better than the other. When partners have differences in the way they experience sexual desire, a willingness on the part of the responsive desire partner to begin having sex often results in enhancing sexual desire for that partner once they get started. This also requires the spontaneous desire partner to be patient and hold the "sexual charge" for both of them until the responsive desire partner gets aroused (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Desire and Responsive Sexual Desire Are Both Normal).

• Experiencing an Orgasm Gap Between Partners: Problems with an orgasm gap tend to occur more often in heterosexual couples as opposed to LGBTQ couples. An orgasm gap occurs when one partner has a tendency to experience an orgasm during partnered sex and the other does not. This doesn't refer to occasional instances when one partner has an orgasm and the other doesn't. Instead, an orgasm gap refers to an ongoing problem. Problems with an orgasm gap usually affect heterosexual women. A common reason for this is that there isn't enough clitoral stimulation for the woman because the couple is relying only on sexual intercourse, which is not the best way for most women to have an orgasm. Another contributing factor to an orgasm gap occurs when a couple approaches sex solely in terms of goal-oriented sexual performance rather than sexual pleasure. In addition, couples who are stuck in a rigid sex script or who are stuck on a linear and rigid sexual staircase can also experience problems with an orgasm gap. In addition, sexual boredom can be an issue, especially in long term relationships. There can also be other reasons (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gencap Between Heterosexual Men and Women - Part 1 and Part 2).

Experiencing an Orgasm Gap

• Experiencing Sexual Disorders: A sexual disorder can be frustrating for both people in a relationship. It often leads to one or both people wanting to avoid sex as a way to side step dealing with the problem. Many sexual disorders, including painful sex (dyspareunia, vaginismus, pain related to a sexually transmitted infection or other issues) and problems with erectile unpredictability (erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or delayed ejaculation) can have physical and psychological causes. Ruling out a physical problem first is essential. If a physical problem has been ruled out or there appears to be a psychological component in addition to the physical problem, couples can be helped by a sex therapist. When there are physical and psychological problems, they are dealt with at the same time with the physical problem being handled by a urologist, sexual medicine professional or a pelvic floor physical therapist, and the psychological component being treated by a sex therapist.

• Dealing with a History of Cheating: Most people assume that partners cheat because they're unhappy in the relationship, but most of the time this isn't true. Cheating often occurs for complex reasons. Also, contrary to popular belief, most couples usually work out these issues, especially if they have been together for a while and they attend couples therapy. Of course, this is a personal choice and many couples are unable to work out issues related to cheating either because the partner who feels betrayed can't and/or won't do reconcile or because the partner who cheated won't give up a sexual affair (see my article: Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat?).

Dealing with a History of Cheating

• Dealing with a History of Compulsive or Out of Control Sexual Behavior: When a partner has a history of compulsive or out of control sexual behavior, this usually presents a problem in the relationship. There are many misconceptions about sexual compulsivity in terms of how to define it, whether it's an addiction, and other similar issues. But if the couple is willing to work on it, it's possible to overcome problems with sexual compulsivity in sex therapy.  In addition, many people are misinformed about this issue. For example, a man who thinks he is sexually compulsive because he masturbates occasionally in the privacy of his home, might actually be contending with sexual shame and guilt if his masturbation doesn't get in the way of the rest of his life. Another example would be a wife who thinks her husband has a "sexual addiction" because he watches porn occasionally. She is most likely misinformed. This doesn't mean that the husband watching porn might not be going against their relationship agreement. But it's probably not an "addiction." Of course, every case is different and context matters. So, a case where someone watches porn occasionally at home in private is different from someone who watches porn occasionally at work where they have been warned that they could be fired for violating the company policy. If that person continues to watch porn at work, knowing they are being monitored and they are jeopardizing their job, they have a problem (see my article: What is Out of Control Sexual Behavior?).

• Disagreeing About Whether or Not to Open Up the Relationship: Many people, who are currently in monogamous relationships, would like to have an open relationship, but their partner doesn't want it.  Couples who have a conflict around this issue could benefit from sex therapy where this issue can be negotiated, if both people are willing. Other couples want to open up the relationship, but they don't know how. There are many forms of consensual nonmonogamy. A couple can work out an agreement that suits both of them or they can acknowledge they're not compatible and end the relationship amicably. Sex therapy can help with all of these issues (see my article: What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?).

Disagreements About Opening Up a Relationship

• Experiencing Other Stressors in the Relationship: Chronic stress is usually a libido killer that can exacerbate already existing shame and guilt about sex. This can include:

• Health issues (in addition to the ones mentioned above)
• Lack of sleep
• Stress involved with child rearing
• Family problems
• Money problems
• Work-related stressors
• Other problems

Next Article: Overcoming Feels of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Personal Issues

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no sex, nudity or physical touch during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

If you're struggling with a sexual issue, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.