Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Cultural Issues

Sexual shame and guilt affect many people. So, if you're experiencing shame and guilt about sex, you're not alone (see my article: Understanding the Difference Between Shame and Guilt).

Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt

Often there are personal, interpersonal and cultural roots to sexual shame (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

In their book, Desire - An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships, authors Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD and Jennifer Vancill, PhD, discuss sexual shame and guilt with regard to cultural, interpersonal and personal factors (see my article: Overcoming Shame).

The authors discuss how disruptive shame and guilt can be to an individual's or a couple's sex life.

Sexual shame often causes people to feel that a part of them is wrong, bad or unacceptable in others' eyes, according to the authors.

They also make a distinction between sexual shame and guilt:

• Sexual shame is a worry about being rejected for an aspect of who you are--namely, a sexual being. 

• Sexual guilt is the worry about being rejected due to your sexual thoughts, feelings or behaviors. 

So, whereas shame is related to who you are (your character), guilt is related to what you have done or not done (your behavior).

By breaking down sexual shame and guilt according to cultural, interpersonal and personal factors, the authors help readers to see how powerfully disruptive these factors can be for individuals and couples.

The Cultural Roots of Sexual Shame and Guilt

In this article, I'm focusing on cultural factors and I'll discuss personal and interpersonal factors in upcoming articles.

Many cultures, including certain religions, intentionally or unintentionally instill a sense of shame and guilt about sexual matters.

People who grew up in a culture where it was considered taboo to have sex before marriage often find it difficult to "flip a switch" to feel positive about sex after they're married. 

The taboo about sex doesn't necessarily go away after they're married, especially if the taboo is deeply ingrained.  As a result, it can interfere with sexual pleasure for individuals and couples.

Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt 

Another taboo often found in certain cultures is that sex is only acceptable in monogamous, heterosexual relationships, which can cause guilt and shame if someone is part of the LGBTQ community, non-binary, consensually nonmonogamous, sexually questioning, sexually fluid or non-heteronormative.

Over time, I have worked with many psychotherapy clients who struggled with sexual guilt and shame due to cultural factors.

Logically they knew there was nothing to be ashamed or guilty about but, on an emotional level, they still carried these sex-negative emotions inside them because they were deeply internalized due to their culture.

Cultural factors also include the pervasive destructive messages women get about their body image. Women are often told explicitly and implicitly on social media, in magazines, on TV and by loved ones that they need to be thinner or taller or look some other way.  

All of these messages serve to convey to women, "You're not good enough," which can make it difficult for women to feel good about their bodies, especially during sex when they are most vulnerable.

Also see my article about how modern day slut-shaming affects women: Slut-Shaming Women and Girls is a Form of Bullying and Sexual Harassment).

Clinical Vignette:

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases with no identifying information, illustrates how cultural factors can engender feelings of sexual shame and guilt:

Sara and John

Sara and John began dating after they met at a party in their third year of college.

John grew up in a family that attended church, but they were culturally liberal.  Due to their sex-positive beliefs, they spoke to John about sex in a positive and age-appropriate way.  

In addition, they raised John to believe that his sexual feelings were a natural part of himself.

Sara grew up in a conservative religious family.  Her parents almost never discussed sex, and the only "sex education" she received from them was about the dangers of having sex in terms of an unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.  

Her parents believed sex before marriage was a sin due to their religious beliefs. They also believed that, even after marriage, sexual pleasure was for men only, and women should only engage in sex as part of their "wifely duty" or marital obligation.

Whereas John had prior sexual experiences before going out with Sara, Sara had no sexual experience before she met John. He was her first sexual partner.  

Even though she enjoyed sex with John, and logically, she didn't practice her childhood religion anymore or believe sex before marriage was a sin, she struggled emotionally after she and John had sex.  She enjoyed sex in the moment with John, but afterwards she felt the weight of guilt and shame bear down on her.

Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt

She shared her mixed reactions about sex with John, who was very understanding and patient.

They both believed that Sara's shame and guilt would disappear after they were married because she would no longer be going against the childhood religious prohibitions she grew up with.

But five years into their marriage, Sara couldn't shake these feelings.  She couldn't understand how her logical mind and her emotional mind reacted so differently to sex.

Although John was understanding, he was concerned that Sara might never overcome her shame and guilt if they didn't get help, so he suggested they attend sex therapy to work on their sexual problems.

They learned in sex therapy that these problems are relational problems--not just Sara's problem and, over time, they began to overcome these problems together with the help of their sex therapist.

Conclusion

Feelings of sexual shame and guilt are common. 

Personal, interpersonal or cultural factors are often the root cause.

These problems are often difficult to overcome on your own, so working with a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist is usually helpful.

This article focused on cultural issues.  The next articles will focus on interpersonal and personal issues related to sexual shame and guilt.

Next Articles: 

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Interpersonal Issues

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Related to Personal Issues

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no sex, nudity or physical exams during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

If you're struggling with a sexual issue, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy in a Relationship?

There can be a thin line between privacy and secrecy in a relationship.

Since this is a topic that often comes up in couples therapy and sex therapy sessions, it's the focus of the current article.  

Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship

Where you draw the boundary between privacy and secrecy is a personal choice, but be aware that there can be serious consequences to keeping secrets, especially if you or your partner feel betrayed.

What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy?

Let's start by defining the difference between privacy and secrecy and then looking at examples of each.

Privacy

Generally, privacy is consensual with both parties agreeing to the boundaries.

Privacy is also non-threatening to you and your partner because you have an agreement.

Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship

Secrecy

Secrecy is nonconsensual.  It hasn't been agreed to by you and your partner and there's no understanding about the boundaries. 

There are often selfish motives to secrecy that only protect the interests of the partner keeping the secret and would be potentially detrimental to the other partner.

Questions For Self Reflection

You and your partner might differ in how you each understand privacy and secrecy, which can create conflict and even jeopardize your relationship.

As a first step, it's important to do some personal introspection and consider the following questions for yourself:

• What are your true motives in keeping something hidden from my partner?

• Are you spending a lot of time and effort in trying to keep it hidden?

• Are you deluding yourself about the possible consequences by telling yourself, "What my partner doesn't know won't hurt them?"

• Are you hiding people, activities, plans or events in your life from your partner?

• Are you hiding financial matters from your partner, like credit card bills, hotel receipts and so on, when you have an agreement to share financial information (see my article: Financial Infidelity is a Major Issue in Many Relationships)

• Are you enlisting the help of friends or family members in keeping aspects of your life hidden from your partner?

• What are the underlying emotions involved with your behavior? Fear? Shame? Anxiety? Guilt? Sadness?

• Has your behavior created emotional and/or sexual distance between you and your partner due the hidden aspects of your life and your underlying emotions about it?

• Is your behavior potentially harmful to your partner if they find out or if others find out?

Answering "Yes" to the questions listed above point to keeping a secret rather than maintaining privacy. 

Lies include not only what you say but what you don't say, which are considered lies of omission (see my article: When Trust Breaks Down in a Relationship: Lies of Omission).

Also, consider these questions:

• As an empathetic person who cares about your partner, do you have a sense of peace about not revealing certain matters to your partner?  

• If so, what's behind your sense of peace?

• Does your decision coincide with an understanding and agreement you and your partner already have?

If you're being honest about your motives and you said "Yes" to the three questions immediately above, it appears that you're maintaining your privacy and not keeping secrets.

An Example of Maintaining Privacy

Angela and Sara are in a long term relationship. They each know that the other masturbates privately and they have agreed they don't need to talk about the details of their sexual fantasies when it involves other people--as long as they don't get involved with others in real life. Neither of them feels threatened by these fantasies.

Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship

An Example of Keeping a Secret

Jim and Betty have been together for two years, and they have an agreement to be monogamous. Jim values his relationship with Betty, but he can't stop thinking about his ex, Jane.  Occasionally, he meets Jane for coffee without telling Betty. He and Jane talk about the possibility of getting back together again, but Jim doesn't want to break up with Betty.  Jim justifies these get-togethers with Jane because he tells himself that nothing sexual has occurred between them. So, he believes he hasn't done anything wrong. He also feels that since Betty doesn't know that he meets with Jane, she won't be hurt by it. But one day Betty walked into the cafe where Jim and Betty go. She saw them sitting close together and talking softly, and she felt devastated and betrayed. Later that night, she confronted Jim, but he denied doing anything wrong. Soon after that Jim and Betty started couples therapy to try to work out their differences with regard to privacy and secrecy and Betty's feelings of betrayal.

Conclusion

There's a difference between privacy and secrecy in a relationship.

Each couple needs to have an understanding of what the boundaries are in their relationship and honor their agreement.

If you're confused about whether you're maintaining your privacy or keeping a secret, ask yourself the self reflective questions mentioned in this article.

If you are intentionally withholding information from your partner which leads your partner to believe things that are untrue (like you're monogamous when you're cheating), this is considered a lie of omission and your maintaining a secret.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you're having problems in your relationship with secrets, get help in individual or couples therapy.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Make Consent and Sexual Negotiation Fun

I've written about consent and sexual negotiation in previous articles (see my articles: No Means No Isn't Enough. What is Enthusiastic Consent?).

When I talk to my sex therapy clients about consent and negotiation, some of them tell me that having these talks can be boring, at best, or a libido killer at worst.  But I tell them it doesn't have to be that way.

How to Make Consent and Sexual Negotiation Fun

In the current article I'm discussing how to make consent and sexual negotiation fun and sexy.

Many of the ideas for this article come from the sex educator and author, Midori, from a podcast she did on the American Sex podcast with Sunny Megatron (Episode 72).

How to Make Sexual Negotiation Fun and Sexy

Consent is essential to sexual encounters with others.  

How to Make Consent and Sexual Negotiation Fun

Midori emphasizes that a discussion about the possibility of sex must be an engaged collaboration which she describes as actively participating in the collaboration . This means it's not about one person saying what they want and the other person passively going along.  This applies whether it's about vanilla sex or BDSM or kink.

Contrary to what many people think, sexual negotiation can be fun, playful and flirty rather than deadly serious or boring.

Fun and Sexy Consent and Sexual Negotiation Step-By-Step

Fun and sexy consent and negotiation starts with doing groundwork beforehand. So, you can consider the following steps if it suits your particular situation:

• Clear Your Mind Before Your Talk: Before you talk to your partner, instead of thinking about your to-do list, clear your mind so you're focused on what you want. Put aside thoughts about the laundry, the dishes, your taxes, etc. so you can focus. Being preoccupied with distracting thoughts about other things is a libido killer. A lot of people forget or don't know about clearing their mind beforehand, so they enter into sexual activities being distracted and then they become a spectator instead of being fully immersed in their talk or in their sexual activities. This is called spectatoring (see my article: Are You Distracted Before or During Sex?).

• Think About What You Want Before You Have the Discussion With Your Partner: Each person needs to think about what they actually want before they even have the discussion.  You might not know exactly what you want, but have an idea of what you want that day.  So, for instance, using food as a metaphor, you might know that you have a craving for Asian food and not Italian food that night, but you're not sure what type of Asian food because there's all different types, including Chinese, Japanese, Korean and so on.  But at least you have an idea.  Also, don't make assumptions about your partner. Using the food metaphor: Just because your partner usually wants steak, don't assume they want steak every time because they might want something different that day.

• Consider Your Mood Before Your Discussion With Your Partner: Are you feeling sassy, lazy, sexy or something else? That can make a difference in what you want to do.  Are you in the mood for a night of sexual flow where you each take your time or are you in the mood for a quickie with a burst of passion at the end? Being able to communicate this to your partner helps to improving the sexual experience for both of you.

How to Make Consent and Sexual Negotiation Fun

• Know Your Hard Limits Before the Discussion: While you're having your fun and flirty sexual negotiation with your partner, do you have hard limits? For instance, if you know you have to get up early the next day, you want to let your partner know that, at least for this time, you can't stay up all night.  On another night you might want to have a slow, sensuous, sexy night, but not on this particular night.  And there might be other hard limits, which is why it's important to think about these things beforehand if you think you and your partner might be having sex that night. Or, maybe your neck or back are hurting you so you want to be careful with whatever you do and you communicate this with your partner.

• Use "We" Language During the Sexual Negotiation: Midori stressed this point as part of the engaged collaboration because you might have a partner who is a passive pleaser, so to avoid having your partner (or yourself) just going along, use the collaborative "we" in your talk.  

• Approach Your Partner in a Playful, Flirtatious Way: Assuming it's appropriate for your relationship with your partner, make your discussion fun and flirty.  However, if you know that your partner would not respond well to playfulness and flirtation during your discussion, respect that because it would be a turn-off to them. Similarly, don't be overly-flirtatious if you don't know your partner well. You don't want to come across as creepy. Also, be aware of timing and the way you communicate with them on a verbal and non-verbal level. In addition, it's important to be able to pick up on cues from your partner and if you're not sure, ask them (see my article: How to Flirt).

• Keep an Open Mind, But Don't Do Anything You Don't Want to Do: On the one hand, when your partner is telling you what they want to do, keep an open mind and don't be critical of what they want if you don't want to do it. Criticism is often a libido killer for both people. On the other hand, never feel obligated to do anything you don't want to do.  Unfortunately, some women (and men) feel they must comply with their partner's wishes in order to get their partner to like them. Or they feel obligated to please them. If they suggest something you don't want to do, be tactful in the way you tell them you're not interested in that. If they get offended, this might not be the person for you.

• Remember: If You're Consenting, You're Consenting to an Experience and Not an Outcome: Midori made a good point in the podcast mentioned above that when someone consents to a sexual activity, they're consenting to the experience and not the outcome. There's no way to know beforehand if the outcome of your sexual encounter will be good, bad or indifferent. You're basically consenting to try a sexual activity with a partner. In some cases, you might be trying a particular sexual activity that you have never done before or you've never done with this particular person. So, be clear about this beforehand. 

• Never Pressure Your Partner to Do Anything They Don't Want to Do: Consent isn't about pressuring your partner to do what they don't want to do, so never pressure anyone--not even in a way that you think is subtle and never allow yourself to be pressured (see my article: Pressure is Not Part of Negotiating Consent).

• Discuss Aftercare and What You Want to Happen After Sex: You might not always know everything you want afterwards but, to the extent you know certain things, let your partner know whether or not you want them to stay over and what type of aftercare you want.  Even though aftercare is often associated with BDSM and kink, aftercare is usually important to people who engage in non-kink, vanilla sex too. So, for instance, even if you know you don't want to sleep with your partner after sex, you might know that you like to cuddle afterwards for a little while or talk.  Or, if you know you don't like to cuddle or talk afterwards, let your partner know so there's less of a chance of confusion and disappointment if they have different expectations.

• Pay Attention to Your Own Feelings and Your Partner's Cues Throughout the Sexual Encounter: As previously mentioned, you and your partner might be exploring sexual activities that are new to one or both of you, so pay attention to your internal experience as well as your partner's cues. Even though you both consented to an activity beforehand, either of you can withdraw your consent at any time if the experience becomes uncomfortable. Don't feel obligated to continue if you or your partner are uncomfortable. You can pause to talk or you can stop altogether depending upon what is needed at the time. Make sure you talk about this beforehand to try to avoid misunderstandings or hurt feelings.

Conclusion

In recent years, there has been pushback and misconceptions about consent and sexual negotiation. But giving and getting consent and negotiating sexual activities doesn't have to be ruin the mood if you both approach it in a fun and playful way.

On the contrary, you can use the discussion with your partner to spice up your sex life and to build trust and a deeper connection, if you want it, between you and your partner.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're struggling with a sexual issue, you can get help in sex therapy.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

During sex therapy sessions, there is no nudity, physical touch or sexual activity of any kind (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, get help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Being Emotionally Vulnerable is a Strength

In a prior article I discussed vulnerability in terms of it being a pathway to intimacy.  However, I'm aware that a lot of people think of vulnerability as a weakness and their reluctance to allow themselves to be open and vulnerable in their relationship creates disconnection in their relationship.

Emotional Vulnerability is a Strength

What is Emotional Vulnerability in a Relationship?

Emotional vulnerability in a relationship is a state of being open by acknowledging and taking a risk to expose your feelings to your partner.  This allows you to love them and to be loved by them.

Emotional vulnerability allows you and your partner to connect and deepen your relationship.  

What Are Examples of Emotional Vulnerability?

The following are some of the most common examples of emotional vulnerability:

• Telling your partner you love them
• Talking honestly and openly about your emotional needs
• Talking about your hopes, fears and dreams
• Apologizing for your mistakes 
• Sharing your feelings of grief
• Sharing your feelings of disappointment
• Sharing your feelings of shame
• Telling your partner why you're angry
• Telling your partner why you're sad
• Making an effort to work through problems in your relationship

Why is Emotional Vulnerability Important in a Relationship?

According to Dr. Brene Brown, author and social work researcher, "Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, empathy and creativity."

Dr. Brown goes on to say, "To love is to be vulnerable, to give someone your heart and say, 'I know this could hurt so bad, but I'm willing to do it; I'm willing to be vulnerable to love you."

Vulnerability allows you to grow as a person. It helps to build trust, empathy, honesty and a stronger bond between you and your partner.

What is Fear of Emotional Vulnerability?

Fear of vulnerability is common for adults.

But no one is born with a fear of vulnerability.  Generally, young children are open and free with their emotions if they grow up in an atmosphere of emotional safety.  

But if they grow up in an environment where they experience emotional neglect or abuse or they witness family members being emotionally or physically abused, they learn that the world is a painful place and they need to protect themselves by closing themselves off (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

In other words, fear of emotional vulnerability is a learned experience.  It's not that anyone necessarily tells children this explicitly--it's a matter of them internalizing the emotional pain they experience or witness in the family.  This often leaves them feeling ashamed and unlovable.

For example, children who grow up in a family where one or both parents are alcoholic (or dysfunctional in other ways) might see a loving sober parent become an angry, abusive parent when they're drunk.  

They might also see their sober parent in emotional pain and taking on the full mental and emotional load of raising them because their alcoholic or dysfunctional parent can't do it.

What this communicates to a young child is that when they grow up, they can't trust their partner. Instead, they think they have to learn to be completely "independent," but in reality, this is a pseudo-independence because it's a denial of their emotional needs (see my article: Is This "Independence" or Shame?).

Often the person who grows up with a fear of vulnerability due to their childhood experiences over-functions for their partner. They might do most or all the household chores, take on the complete responsibility of raising their children and managing the finances.  

Underneath this over-functioning is often a mistrust that their partner will be there for them emotionally, mentally and practically.  This might actually be the case in reality if they chose someone who is unable or unwilling to be there for them or it might be a false perception they would have for any partner.

Consequences of Not Being Vulnerable

Building a protective emotional wall around yourself might make you feel momentarily safe, but there are long term negative consequences for you and your relationship.

An inability and/or an unwillingness to be emotionally vulnerable with a partner sets a limit in your relationship in terms of how the relationship can grow and deepen.  It's harmful to you as an individual and it's hurtful to your partner.

Over time, a lack of vulnerability between two people in a relationship can cause emotional disconnection.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you struggle to be emotionally vulnerable, you might already be aware of the negative consequences this has in your life.

Rather than struggling with your fear and shame on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Learning to be emotionally vulnerable in a healthy relationship can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt

I began a discussion about setting boundaries in an earlier article.  In the current article I'm focusing on one of the hardest parts of setting boundaries for many people--dealing with guilty feelings.

Do You Feeling Guilty About Setting Boundaries?

A common problem for people who feel uncomfortable about setting boundaries is that they feel guilty and they fear conflict. So, if the thought of setting a boundary with someone fills you with fear and guilt, you're not alone.

Setting Boundaries Without Guilt

People who have problems setting boundaries often focus on how the other person might feel.  While this is an important aspect of boundary setting, it's only one part of the story.

Often people focus exclusively on the other person's feelings because they have problems focusing on their own discomfort.  

They might feel uncomfortable even acknowledging their own discomfort.  So, it's easier for them to focus on the other person (see my article: People Pleasing to Avoid Conflict).

This is especially common if you were raised to believe you should put other people's emotional needs above your own.  

It might not have been framed exactly that way. Instead, maybe you were told you have to be "strong" for other family members, which often results in you stifling your feelings so that others won't be uncomfortable or they can lean on your emotionally.  

If you grew up being accustomed to prioritize other people's feelings and suppressing your own, you might feel guilty about allowing yourself to even have feelings that are different from your loved ones. 

After a while, you might not even know what your feelings are because you have suppressed them for so long before they even came into your awareness (see my article: Being the Different One in Your Family).

Setting Boundaries Without Guilt

This usually happens in enmeshed and dysfunctional families where children grow up feeling they have to take care of their parent's needs (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families and Role Reversal in Families).

Another example of why you might have problems setting boundaries could be that your boundaries were violated when you were growing up.  This happens when children are abused either emotionally, physically or sexually or if they were neglected.

This is especially confusing when the person who was abusing you was someone you were supposed to be able to trust--your parent, a relative, a teacher, religious leader or someone else who was supposed to have your best interests at heart.  

Even if you weren't abused, you might have internalized a parent's guilt about setting boundaries with their own family of origin or with other loved ones.

For instance, if you saw your mother feeling putting aside her own emotional needs due to guilt, you probably internalized this as a powerful message, especially if you saw it over and over again--even though your mother might not have told you to do this directly.

Why Are Boundaries Important?

Knowing why boundaries are important can help motivate you to do the work involved with developing this skill.

Healthy boundaries:

• Tell others how you want to be treated and, when the other person respects your boundaries, it can prevent you from being mistreated.

• Help you to be your own person. You create a healthy emotional and physical separation between you and others so that you don't feel mistreated.

• Allow you to have your own thoughts, feelings and needs that are separate from others.

• Allow you to have the time and space you need for your own personal needs.

How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt

• Get Clear on What You Want: This might be easier said than done, especially if you grew up overriding your own feelings. Thinking about it beforehand and writing in a journal can help to clarify your thoughts and feelings. If it helps you to feel more comfortable, you can write out a script, including any obstacles you anticipate.

Setting Boundaries Without Guilt

• Be Aware That Healthy Boundary Setting is About Taking Care of Yourself--Not About Controlling Others: Appropriate boundaries is about taking care of yourself. It's not about controlling others--even though they might feel you're trying to control them. Just because they feel that way doesn't make it true. When you set healthy boundaries, you tell yourself and the other person that your thoughts and feelings matter and that you are worthy of being treated well (see my article: Feeling Entitled to Self Care).

• Be Clear and Direct Without Apologizing: People who have problems setting boundaries are often unclear because they are so passive and indirect that the other person doesn't understand what they're trying to say. This is where it helps to have a clear and succinct message. Compare the following statements and notice the difference between the Examples A and B:

• Example 1A: "Mom, I know you have certain ways of doing things that are  important to you. I have my own way of doing things, so please respect that."
• 
  
• Example 1B: "Mom, I'm sorry I don't do things the way you taught me. You're probably right, but I like my way. Is that okay?"

• Example 2A: "Jane, when you borrowed money from me two months ago, you agreed to pay me back within a month, but you haven't, so let's talk about this because I need the money."

• Example 2B: "Jane, I feel badly about bringing this up because money is such an uncomfortable topic to talk about, but you haven't paid me back the money you borrowed from me. So, I apologize for even bringing it up. I'm sure you have a very good reason why you haven't repaid me, so maybe I shouldn't even be asking, but I really need the money now to pay the mortgage. Of course, if you don't have it, I would understand and maybe I could borrow money from my parents to pay the mortgage."

• Expect and Plan for Obstacles: Whether the obstacles are your own difficulties with asserting yourself or you expect resistance from the other person, expect it and plan for these obstacles while you're preparing to set a boundary.  You can include how to deal with obstacles when you write about it beforehand.

• Overcome Your Fear of Conflict: One of the major reasons why people have problems setting boundaries is that they anticipate conflict and they want to avoid it.  This expectation isn't unreasonable expectation when you take into account that other people might be benefitting from the lack of boundaries and they might want to maintain things the way they are. If your boundary setting is met with anger and/or resistance, this doesn't mean you should back off by sacrificing your own needs to placate someone else. Anger and resistance is often a confirmation that boundary setting is important in this situation. Instead of returning to a state of passivity, anticipate these reactions in advance and have a plan. In extreme cases where you expect aggression, make sure you're not alone.

• Setting Boundaries is an Ongoing Process: If you have managed to set an appropriate boundary with someone, don't expect that this to be a one-and-done process, especially if there is a history of poor boundaries. You will probably need to reinforce the boundaries from time to time.  This doesn't necessarily mean that the other person is intentionally trying to harm you. Instead, it might mean that they also have problems with boundaries so they're trying to develop this skill at the same time that you're trying to develop it.  Also, be aware that your needs and your relationships can change over time so you might need to change the boundary agreements you already have with others.

Getting Help in Therapy

Learning to set boundaries without guilt isn't always easy, especially if the problem is rooted in your early history.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome these obstacles. 

So rather than struggling on your own, seek help in therapy.

Once you have learned to set boundaries without guilt, you can have a greater sense of well-being and healthier relationships.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

5 Common Myths About Sex in Long Term Relationships

In this article I'll be challenging the most common myths about sex in long term relationships.

Pleasurable Sex in Long Term Relationships

Sex Education in the US is Inadequate

One of the leading reasons for so much misinformation, in general, about sex is that only 39 states and the District of Columbia mandate sex education and HIV education in high school.  

These programs vary widely in terms of the quality of the sex education they provide, and some states provide only abstinence-based sex education.  

In addition, all too often, sex education programs only focus on the health risks of having sex with no information about sexual pleasure.  This can leave young people with the misconception that sex is "bad" and always "dangerous."

A lack of quality sex education means people aren't getting the sex education they need. Furthermore, since many young people don't get sex education at home, they turn to porn, which is highly inaccurate.

Moreover, adults in healthcare settings are often too ashamed to ask their healthcare professionals about sex.  And, making matters even worse, many of these professionals, including medical doctors, get inadequate sex education as part of their medical training. So, all too often even if patients ask them questions about sex, they're unable to answer.

Taking all of this into consideration, is it any wonder there are so many myths about sex in long term relationships?

Ageism and Sex

In our youth obsessed culture, there is a stigma against aging and sex.

In addition, many people assume that older people don't want to have sex. While this might be true for some older people, many who aren't having sex, would enjoy sex, but they don't have a sexual partner.

Challenging 5 Common Myths About Sex in Long Term Relationships

So, let's challenge 5 common myths about sex in long term relationships: 

• Myth 1: Good Sex Means Frequent Sex: It's important to understand that quantity doesn't equal quality. Regardless of how often a couple has sex, sex is only "good" if both people enjoy it. So, for instance, if a couple's sex script is determined only by the demands of one partner and the other partner is only going along without enjoying it, this isn't good sex because it lacks mutuality.  It's "compliant sex" which often breeds dissatisfaction and resentment in the long run for both people (see my article: What is Good Sex?).

• Myth 2: The Best Sex Always Occurs During the Initial Stage of a Relationship: Sex often gets better over time for couples, especially if the couple is able to communicate their needs to each other.  While it's true that many couples have more frequent sex during the initial limerence stage (the early stage of a relationship where two people are infatuated with each other), frequency doesn't automatically equal "good sex," as mentioned in Myth 1 (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

Pleasurable Sex in Long Term Relationships

• Myth 3: Couples in Long Term Relationships Eventually Stop Having Sex: This is one of the most common myths that our culture perpetuates. This myth is further complicated by Myth 1, which is that good sex means frequent sex. Many couples continue to have pleasurable sex into their 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond.  Although they might not have the physical agility they once had in their 20s, if they're willing to try new ways of having sex, their sex life can continue to be enjoyable. Note: If you and your partner have stopped having sex and one or both of you aren't happy about it you could benefit from working with a sex therapist.

Pleasurable Sex in Long Term Relationships

• Myth 4: Once Couples Stop Having Sex, They Can't Resume Having Sex Again: Too many couples believe this myth, which deprives them of having a fulfilling sex life. Other couples are too ashamed to talk to each other about sex or they don't know how, so this problem never gets addressed.  If both people want to resume having sex, they can make a conscious effort on their own to resume having sex. And, if they're having a problem getting started again, they can consult with a sex therapist for help on how to address the underlying issues creating obstacles for them as well as learn behavioral interventions assigned by a sex therapist as part of the couple's homework to work on in the privacy of their home.

Pleasurable Sex in Long Term Relationships

• Myth 5: Cheating Means Lack of Sexual Interest in the Relationship: There are a lot of misconceptions about cheating.  In many cases, there is no one particular reason why people cheat. Cheating often has nothing to do with a lack of interest in their partner or in the relationship. Many people, who love their partner and who still feel sexually attracted to them, engage in cheating.  In fact, many people who cheat say they still feel emotionally and sexually fulfilled in their relationship, but they want to feel sexually desirable to others (see my article: Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Reasons Why People Seek Help in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exam or sexual activity in sex therapy sessions. However, there are homework assignments to practice in the privacy of your own home to improve your sex life (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you have been unable to resolve sexual problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help in sex therapy for a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.