Relationships: What is Your Sexual Initiation Style?

I'm continuing to focus on the book, Sex Talks, by Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin with the topic of sexual initiation styles (see my related articles listed at the end of this article).

Problems With Sexual Initiation in Long Term Relationships

During the early stage of a relationship the excitement and passion of new relationship energy often helps to facilitate sexual initiation.

Sexual Initiation Styles

This is the stage when sex occurs often and easily because you're responding to each other's sexual vibes. 

It's also the stage when neither of you are worried about who will initiate because you know you're feeling a sexual yearning and can't keep your hands off each other (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

But as passion naturally settles over time, the issue of who initiates sex can become problematic in relationships (see my article: Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships).

So, it's important to understand your own and your partner's sexual initiation style.  

So, let's consider the six sexual initiation styles as described in Sex Talks.

What is Your Sexual Initiation Style?

According to Vanessa Marin, you might identify with one or more of these sexual initiation styles or you might discover that you're either a combination of certain styles or what you like might depend on your mood.  

As you read over these sexual initiation styles, consider what resonates with you and how this compares with your partner's style.

• "Excite Me" (The Slow Burn): To feel sexual desire, you need sexual energy to simmer and build over time. You enjoy sexual longing and anticipation. You're not as likely to respond to a request to hop into bed. You prefer a build up of playful energy during a romantic evening with sexy glances, flirty banter and sensual touches.  This erotic build up can help to get you in the mood (see my article: Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire Using the Sex Drive Simmer Technique).

Sexual Initiation Styles: "Excite Me"

• "Take Care of Me" (The Caretaker): For you to feel sexual, you need to feel nurtured by your partner. You might have so much on your mind that you need to feel taken care of by your partner in order to get in the mood for sex. So, if your partner is especially loving and nurturing, you can relax and ease into a sexy mood. 

Sexual Initiation Style: Take Care of Me

• "Play With Me" (Let's Have Some Fun): You get sexually turned on when your partner is playful and fun. Part of your personal eroticism is humor and your partner making you laugh. Laughing helps to ease tension and stress so you can relax into having sex. You love having an inside joke with your partner or a fun, sexy secret that only the two of you understand. Humor is an emotional aphrodisiac for you (see my article: Do You Remember What It Was Like to Have Fun in Your Relationship? Try a Little Playfulness).

Sexual Initiation Style: Play With Me

• "Desire Me" (Wanting to Be Wanted): To get into the mood for sex, you need to feel desired. You want your partner to show you that you're irresistibly sexy and desirable. Your partner can show this through glances, words, touches and behavior like spontaneous kissing or pushing you up against the wall for sex. You like to feel the immediacy of your partner's desire. Not only do they want you--they want you right now (see my article: Based on Sex Research: What Gets a Women Turned On?).

Sexual Initiation Styles: Desire Me

• "Connect With Me" (Let's Talk): Getting sexually turned on for you involves emotional connection. You need emotional intimacy before you're ready for sexual intimacy. Sharing an emotional moment through an intimate talk and feeling that your partner is emotionally attuned to you is an aphrodisiac for you (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy).

Sexual Initiation Styles: Connect With Me

• "Touch Me" (Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me): Physical touch is what turns you on and makes you feel sexually alive. Physical touch can mean passionate kissing, sensual massage or cuddling.  You might be someone who experiences spontaneous sexual desire if your partner knows how to touch you in a way that makes that spark come alive for you (see my article: Savoring Pleasure).

Sexual Initiation Styles: Touch Me

What If You and Your Partner Have Different Sexual Initiation Styles?

It's not unusual for two people in a relationship to have different sexual initiation styles.  This will be the subject of my next article: What If You and Your Partner Have Different Sexual Initiation Styles?

Conclusion

Knowing your own and your partner's sexual initiation style can revive sex in a long term relationship where sexual energy needs to be revived.

As previously mentioned, you can have more than one sexual initiation style or a combination of styles depending upon your mood, the context, who you're with, and various other factors.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

People seek help from sex therapists, who are licensed mental health professionals, for many different reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no touch, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

My Previous Articles Based on the Sex Talks:

How Women Can Be More Assertive About Getting Their Sexual Needs Met

Understanding Why You and Your Partner Might Experience Differences in Sexual Arousal: Spontaneous and Responsive Arousal

Sexual Exploration: Substitute the Words: "What's Your Fantasy" with "What Are You Sexually Curious About?"

Keeping Sex Alive in Your Relationship is a Team Sport

Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire Using the Sex Drive Simmer Technique

 

Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire Using the Sex Drive Simmer Technique

In the last several articles I've written about sex and sex therapy, I have been focusing on the book, Sex Talks by Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin.

Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire

In her book, she discussed a technique called the Sex Drive Simmer that has the potential to create sexual desire for individuals and couples.

I'll discuss more about the Sex Drive Simmer technique later on in this article.

What is Sexual Energy?

First, I want to focus on defining sexual energy since this is a crucial part of the Sex Drive Simmer technique.

Most people associate sexual energy with the sexual tension between two people. Although this is one definition of sexual energy, it's not the only one and it's not the one I'm referring to in this article.

Your sexual energy is your life force and it contributes to your vitality, creativity and your overall sense of well-being.

Tips on How to Connect With Your Sexual Energy

To connect with your sexual energy you need to become aware of your body and how energy flows in your body.

 

The Body Scan Meditation:

One way to become aware of your body is to do the Body Scan Meditation. Choose a quiet time and place when you won't be interrupted for at least 5-10 minutes.

The Body Scan Meditation

Start by closing your eyes and doing the Square Breathing exercise to calm and ground yourself.  

Then, focus on the crown of your head and slowly bring your awareness to the rest of your body and notice where you're holding onto any tension.

As you're scanning your body, notice what's happening with the energy in your body. This often takes practice, but if you do the body scan once a day for at least a few minutes, you'll start to notice what's happening energetically in your body. 

Eventually, you'll probably notice that energy moves subtly throughout the body and you can track it.  

After a while, if you keep practicing, you'll also notice how your sexual energy ebbs and flows throughout the day.

As an Aside: People who do Kundalini yoga become especially adept at feeling how sexual energy flows throughout their body. I'm just mentioning it here, but it's outside the scope of this article for me to go into this in detail for the purpose of this article.

In general, being able to detect, develop and maintain a degree of sexual energy is predicated on your overall health and how well you take care of yourself with regard to eating nutritious food, getting enough sleep, and exercising at a rate that's healthy and right for you.

What is the Sex Drive Simmer Technique?

As I mentioned earlier, Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin discusses the Sex Drive Simmering technique in her book, Sex Talks.  

She recommends that, instead of trying to get sexually turned on before you have sex with your partner, you use this technique right after you have sex and keep the sexual energy simmering until the next time you have sex.

Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire

As an example, if you and your partner have sex on a Sunday morning, right after you have sex, focus on maintaining a degree of sexual arousal that you can continue to develop and build for the next time you have sex.

This is in contrast to what most people do. Specifically, most people, who are having problems with sex in their relationship, wait until they have sex again to try to develop sexual desire, but this is often a setup for failure when sexual desire is the problem.

To understand why waiting can be a problem, Ms. Marin compares waiting to get turned on to boiling water in a pot. If you start with ice cold water, it's going to take much longer for the water to boil than if you already had the water simmering on the stove.

Similarly, if you can maintain even a low level of sexual desire between one sexual encounter and the next, all other things being equal, you'll be more likely to enjoy sex.

How to Get the Sex Drive Simmer Technique Going

Everyone's degree of sexual desire is going to look different depending upon what gets you sexually turned on and whether you experience responsive desire or spontaneous desire.

There is no right or wrong way to do the Sex Drive Simmer technique. It all depends on what you enjoy sexually.

You can use imagination and experiment to see what works for you.

Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire

The main thing is that you want to increase your sexual awareness in your body and create and build sexual desire.  

Here are things that have worked for sex therapy clients in the past.  

They may or may not work for you depending upon your situation and what you like.

I'm not recommending these things since I don't know you or your partner and what might work best for the two of you.  This is just information about what worked for other clients, which might spark some ideas for you.

    Core Physical Exercises

For some people keeping sexual energy alive involves doing certain core exercises (core exercises include doing planks, crunches, dead bugs, glute bridges and other similar exercises).  

Remember: If you decide to try these exercises, it's very important before beginning any exercise routine, that you check with your doctor first.

Some people say that when they do core exercises, they can feel sexual energy in their genitals. 

These are often people who are sensitive to sexual energy while doing core exercises and some even say they experience orgasms while working on their core. These orgasms have been labeled "Coregasms."  

Although some people say they have this experience, many others say they don't.  So, this isn't something that happens to everyone.

    Psychological Sexual Stimulation

Other people find ways to generate the Sex Drive Simmer through psychological stimulation (also known as psychogenic stimulation).  

This might involve thinking about your favorite sexual fantasies (if you're aware of them) or your peak sexual experiences, watching ethical pornography or whatever you can do to get yourself sexually aroused on a psychological level.

Keeping an Erotic Journal

Many people find it helpful to maintain an erotic journal to write down their peak sexual experiences, sexual fantasies or other important sexual memories.

When you're working with the Sex Drive Simmer technique, you're not necessarily trying to have orgasms. You're mostly trying to maintain some sexual energy bubbling up so that when you and your partner have sex again, you can tap into this energy and you'll already be turned on before you start having sex.

    Generating Sexual Anticipation: Planning a Sex Date With Your Partner

Sexual anticipation falls within the psychological stimulation category.

A lot of people initially dislike hearing their sex therapist ask them to do homework assignments between therapy sessions.  One assignment can be planning a sex date.  

A sex date is a designated time planned in advance when a couple agrees to have sex at home.

Many of these clients who dislike this assignment (at first) mostly dislike it because they're not approaching it with the right attitude and they need to reframe it for themselves.

The reframe is that, instead of dreading the exercise or expecting it to be boring or mechanical, you and your partner learn to look forward to it with sexual longing and anticipation, which is like an aphrodisiac.  

Sexual longing and anticipation assumes that you and your partner can learn to have the kind of sex which each of you can look forward to and enjoy. 

I know that many clients who come to sex therapy don't start out necessarily wanting the sex they've been having or they're having very infrequent sex or any sex at all.

Needless to say, no one wants to have sex they don't enjoy.  So, it's possible that if this is the case for you and your partner, you'll have to work on this aspect of your sex life before you plan a sex date.

In addition, there could be other factors involved, like sexual pain, significant sexual anxiety or other physical or psychological obstacles that need to be addressed first.

However, if there aren't these or other obstacles, many people learn to look forward to planning a sex date in much the same way they did before when they were dating.

Potential Obstacles to Generating Sexual Desire With the Sex Drive Simmer Technique

Aside from the physical or psychological issues mentioned, there can be other obstacles.

A common problem that could get in the way at first is sexual desire discrepancy where one person wants sex more than the other.

There are also many couples where the relationship has deteriorated to such an extent that the couple needs to work on their emotional connection first before they work on their sexual issues.

Other couples have tried unsuccessfully so many times to revive their emotional and sexual connection that they feel hopeless and too afraid to even try again because they don't want to encounter failure.

Unfortunately, many couples wait until it's too late to work on these issues in therapy. So, be aware that the longer you wait, the tougher it will be to resolve them.

Also, many couples go to couples therapists assuming that these therapists are trained in sex therapy, but this is often not the case.  

In fact, as difficult as this might be to believe, most psychotherapists get no training in how to help individuals and couples to overcome sexual problems.  This is also true for many medical doctors.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you have been experiencing sexual problems as an individual or as part of a couple, seek help in sex therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy. There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for many different reasons (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

A skilled sex therapist will do a thorough assessment of your situation and work with you to help you resolve your problems. 

Rather than struggling on your own and possibly allowing your situation to deteriorate further, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

    

"No Means No" Isn't Enough. What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?

In my prior article, What Are the Basic Rules of Sexual Consent?, I wrote about the basics of sexual consent, which are rules that everyone needs to know and abide by. But the basics aren't enough, which is why I'm focusing on enthusiastic sexual consent in this article.

What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?

Sexual consent isn't a binary concept involving either "Yes" or "No." 

Concepts like "No means no" doesn't even begin to cover what's involved with enthusiastic consent.

What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?

Enthusiastic sexual consent means that everyone involved in the sexual act is visibly and vocally interested, sexually excited, and agreeing to the sexual acts involved.

Not only are the people involved consenting, but they are really into it. 

This is unequivocal consent that everyone is aware of and agrees to before and during the sexual activities.

 "No Means No" Is An Outdated Concept

"No means no" doesn't cover all the issues involved with sexual consent.  

Aside from saying "Yes" or "No," people involved might respond by saying, "I'm not sure" or "I don't know..." or "I guess so..." or "Maybe..." or "Maybe later..." or some variation that isn't black and white. These responses are in the gray zone.

What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?

"No means no" also overlooks certain circumstances when a person might not want to engage in the sexual activities, but they're unable to say "No" due to one of the following circumstances where they are:

• Underage (a minor) and they don't have the mental, emotional or developmental capacity or legal status to make these decisions

• Impaired by alcohol or drugs

• Being pressured, manipulated, tricked, deceived, threatened, forced

• Incapable of making a decision and/or communicating that decision due to mental illness, disability or for some other issue affecting their ability to give consent freely

• Unconscious due to alcohol, drugs or some other reason

• Unsure if they want to engage in sex or not

• Unable to give consent for other reasons

The examples given above are in no way exhaustive of all the possible scenarios that might be involved when someone is in the gray zone.

 If You're Not Sure the Other Person is Giving Enthusiastic Consent, Ask Them

Sometimes it might not be clear to you if they are giving enthusiastic consent or not. 

What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?

It's not enough to pick up on signals or sexual vibes because you might be misreading them.

What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?

So, when you're not sure, ask and listen to what your partner(s) say. If they seem unsure, don't have sex.

Enthusiastic Sexual Consent Can Be Sexy

Enthusiastic sexual consent is essential.  

In addition, I think people need to reframe their ideas about sexual consent, especially enthusiastic sexual consent.

Specifically, I've heard many clients complain that getting enthusiastic consent feels awkward and it can ruin the moment, but I disagree.

I think talking about enthusiastic sexual consent can be very sexy.

By encouraging your partner(s) to communicate and by listening to them, you're validating them and letting them know that their feelings and values are important to you.

Enthusiastic Sexual Consent Can Be Sexy

You're also letting your partner(s) know that you respect them and their sexual pleasure and comfort are important to you.  

In addition, when your partner(s) tell you that they're really sexually turned on by what you both want to do, this can be a big sexual turn-on for you too.

Aside from getting enthusiastic consent from your partner(s), you also want to communicate how you feel too. So, consider what you want and don't want to do sexually beforehand.  And know that either you or they can change your mind at any time.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are the Basic Rules of Sexual Consent?

There are some basic rules about sexual consent that everyone should know and abide by.

What is Sexual Consent?

On the most basic level, sexual consent is the mutual, freely given agreement between people who are about to engage in sexual activities.

Understand and Abide By the Rules of Sexual Consent

A flagrant disregard for sexual consent is considered sexual assault or rape, so it's important to be knowledgeable and abide by sexual consent rules.

Unfortunately, there is a serious lack of sex education in US schools and in homes so many people, especially boys and men, don't understand sexual consent.  In addition, some girls and women are also confused about sexual consent.

    The Basic Rules of Sexual Consent

• A Person Cannot Give Consent If They Are Underage: If someone is a minor, even if they say yes to engaging in sex, they cannot give legal consent to have sex. You must know the age of this person and be aware of the legal age to give consent in the state you are in because the law varies from state to state in the US.  

• A Person Cannot Give Consent If They Are Impaired By Alcohol or Drugs: Since alcohol and drugs impair a person's judgment and ability to communicate, including the ability to communicate about sexual consent, you must be cautious and aware of the other person's state. Although it can be tricky to gauge someone's state, if you have any doubt about whether a person has the ability to give consent and communicate it freely, don't have sex.  This includes everything from touching, kissing, up to and including sexual intercourse. It is your responsibility to assess the situation and behave accordingly or you might find yourself in bed with someone who doesn't remember giving consent the next day, which could mean legal problems for you.

A Person Who is Impaired Cannot Give Sexual Consent

• A Person Cannot Give Consent If They Have Diminished Capacity, Judgment or Ability to Communicate Freely Due to Mental Illness or Disability:  This is similar to alcohol and drug impairment. If someone doesn't have the ability to make decisions and communicate clearly on their own behalf or you are not sure whether they do or not, do not engage in sex with this person.

• A Person Cannot Give Consent If They Are Pressured, Threatened, Tricked or Manipulated: If you have threatened, manipulated, coerced or tricked someone into having sex, you don't have consent.  Consent must be freely given without threat, deception or manipulation.

• A Person Who is Being Sex Trafficked Cannot Give Consent: The Trafficking Victims Act of 2000 defines sex trafficking as any adult or minor under the age of 18 who is involved in a commercial sex act that was induced by force, fraud or coercion. According to the US Federal Government, sex trafficking is the modern day equivalent of human slavery. People who engage in commercial sex with underage youth are usually men, and they are sexual predators and child molesters. Sex trafficking is a felony offense. The worst states for sex trafficking (as of the writing of this article) are California, New York, Florida and Texas. They are the leading states for sex trafficking. Of all the states in the US, California is #1 and New York State is #4 for sex trafficking. There are serious legal consequences for sex trafficking on the state and Federal level.

• A Person Who is Unconscious Cannot Give Consent: Whether the person is unconscious due to alcohol, drugs or for some other reason, you don't have consent if the person is unconscious. If you have sex with an unconscious person, you are having non-consensual sex and you will be legally responsible for your actions.

• A Person Who Gave Consent in the Past Isn't Necessarily Giving Consent in the Present or in the Future: Don't assume that if you had sexual consent in the past that you have consent in the present or that you will have consent in the future. You must have consent each time.

Consent From the Past Does Not Mean Consent in the Present

• A Person Who is Not Sure If They Want to Have Sex Isn't Giving Consent: When someone says "No," that's clear. But don't assume that "Maybe" means"Yes." If someone isn't sure, you don't have consent so don't have sex.

Consent Can Be Withdrawn At Any Time

• A Person Can Withdraw Consent At Any Time: Even if you are in the middle of a sexual act, if a person says no or stop or signals in any way that they want you to stop, you must stop immediately, even if you don't like it, because you no longer have consent.

Why Do People Disregard the Rules of Sexual Consent?

A lack of understanding and sex education are part of the issue, but this does not account for the blatant disregard that many people show for sexual consent.

People who choose to blatantly disregard sexual consent are abusing their power in sexual situations.  Sexual assault and rape are not about sex--they are about abusing power over another person.

My Next Article:

This article covered the basic rules of sexual consent.

My next article will go beyond the basic rules to update the sexual consent rules: 

"No Means No" Isn't Enough. What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?

Resources For Sexual Assault and Rape Victims

If you have been the victim of a sexual assault or rape, the following national and New York City resources are available for sexual assault and rape victims:

    

    National Sexual Assault Hotline:    800-656-HOPE (4673)

    NYC Crime Victims Hotline:          866-689-HELP (4357)

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Fatherless Daughters: What is the Potential Emotional Impact of Growing Up Without a Father?

The potential impact for girls who grow up without a father can be profoundly traumatic.  

Fatherless Daughters

What is Fatherlessness?

Fatherlessness is defined as a lack of an emotional bond between a father and his child.  This can be the result of the father's death, abuse, addiction, incarceration, abandonment of the family or other issues.

What Role Does a Father Play in a Girl's Life?

Although psychology has mostly focused on the role of the mother, greater attention is now being paid to the father's role in a young girl's life.

A Healthy Father-Daughter Relationship

A healthy relationship with a father has an important positive impact on a girl's:

• Confidence
• Self esteem
• Self image
• Beliefs about herself
• Perspective on men
• Ability to trust
• Need for approval

A Healthy Father-Daughter Relationship

All other things being equal, women who grew up in a healthy father-daughter relationship are more likely to have:

• Self confidence
• Confidence in their choices
• Healthy body image
• Better academic achievement
• A greater ability to trust
• A greater ability to take risks
• A better opinion of men
• More meaningful relationships with men in general
• Better decision-making capability and choices in the men they choose for romantic partners

Mitigating Factors That Help Fatherless Girls in Their Psychological and Emotional Development

Although this article focuses on many of the potential problems usually associated with fatherless daughters, it's important to note that not all fatherless daughters grow up to have the problems outlined in this article. 

A Loving Grandfather With His Granddaughter

For many of them there are mitigating factors that help them in their psychological and emotional development, including other father figures like uncles, grandfathers and other healthy males who take on a paternal role.

In addition, girls who work with a qualified mental health professional can overcome many of the potential problems that are usually associated with being a fatherless daughter.  

The Potential Emotional Impact For Women Who Grew Up Without a Father

Unfortunately, girls who lose their father at a young age are at a higher risk for problems as an adult in the areas mentioned above where girls in healthy father-daughter relationships excel. 

Fatherless Daughters

There is a derogatory term, "Daddy issues" which is mostly used in social media and has no place in psychology. This popular derogatory term describes women who have been negatively impacted by the loss of their father at a young age.  

Women who grow up without a father (or an inconsistent father) often have an anxious attachment style, including fear of abandonment.  

As children, they often blamed themselves for the loss of their father and, similarly, they can blame themselves for problems in their adult relationships with men.  

In addition, they might have grown up feeling that their father wasn't around because their father didn't love them or they were in some way inherently unlovable. This can carry over into their romantic relationships with men where their low self esteem causes them to choose men who don't treat them well.

Signs That a Woman Has a Father Wound

Fatherless daughters often:

• Date Older Men: They often choose older men as romantic partners. Older men can represent security and protection to them.

• Feel Overly Anxious or Jealous: Fatherless daughters often worry that their partner might leave them for someone else or abandon them in some other way, which is related to their abandonment issues with their absent father. This anxiety and jealousy can ruin a relationship.

• Need Constant Reassurance: This is related to their deep-rooted fear of abandonment.  They might fear that their partner is angry with them or that they have made wrong decisions. This need for constant reassurance can take its toll on a relationship.

• Fear Abandonment: As previously mentioned, fear of abandonment can be a big issue for women who grew up without a father. They often place a lot of importance on being in a committed relationship--at any cost--even if their partner doesn't treat them well. Their fear of being abandoned can have the effect of driving a partner away.  It can also cause these women to be serial monogamists where they jump quickly from one relationship to another (see my article: How Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Fear of Abandonment).

• Get Into One Unhealthy Relationship After Another: Since they often fear being alone, they can repeat dysfunctional patterns of getting into one toxic relationship after  another.  They might choose men who cheat on them, misuse drugs or alcohol, abuse them and mistreat them in other ways (see my article: Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?).

Once again, I want to emphasize that the problems discussed in this article are not universally true for all fatherless daughters.

There are girls who are emotionally resilient who don't experience the problems discussed in this article.  

There can be many factors, including the mitigating factors discussed above or other related reasons why these girls don't develop these problems.  

More research is needed to identify these factors.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

As previously mentioned, the loss of a father at a young age is often detrimental, especially as girls develop into women and carry the trauma of the loss into their adult life, including their relationships.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you were traumatized by the loss of your father, it's never too late to get help.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma specialist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Many people experience increased personal meaning in their life and posttraumatic growth after they overcome their losses in trauma therapy.

With the help of a skilled trauma therapist, you can work through your loss so that you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individuals overcome trauma and loss so they can lead happier lives.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.