What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?

The vast majority of people in the United States are in traditional monogamous relationships, which means they are in an exclusive relationship with one other person where they will only be sexual and romantic with each other.  

What is Serial Monogamy?

There are also serial monogamists.  They're usually in one monogamous relationship at a time, but they might take breaks from the relationship to see other people (see my articles: Understanding Serial Monogamists - Part 1 and Part 2).

What is Consensual Nonmonogamy (CNM)?

Consensual nonmonogamy is also known as ethical nonmonogamy (ENM).

In research surveys approximately 1 in 5 people indicate they are (or were in the past) in some form of a nonmonogamous relationship (see my articles: Are You and Your Partner Are on the Same Page About Your Relationship? and Telltale Signs That Indicate You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page ).

One blog article can't cover the variety and complexity of all ethical nonmonogamous relationships, so I'll provide resources at the bottom of this article.

What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?

Consensual nonmonogamy comes under the umbrella of open relationships. 

However, at the most basic level, CNM usually means that people are in a consensual non-monogamous relationship where they have worked out an agreement between them about the nature of their nonmonogamy (see my article: The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in a Relationship).

The agreement should be well-thought out, written and formalized by both people.  There are various forms of agreements and some of them are very detailed and elaborate.  

Consensual Nonmonogamy

In their most basic form, they cover what is permitted and what is not permitted as part of the agreement (for a more detailed explanation of these types of ENM agreements, see Dr. Tammy Nelson's book, Open Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement).

One of the major goals of having a formalized agreement is that both people are honest and open with each other to avoid misunderstandings and emotional pain later on.  

A formal agreement also allows other people, who get involved with one or both people, to know the nature of the relationship they will be entering into and the boundaries.

There are some people who have an informal "Don't ask, don't tell" agreement where they agree that one or both people can see other people, but they won't give each other the details of these other relationships.  However, this type of arrangement can often lead to misunderstandings, suspicion, jealousy and, in some cases, the end of the relationship.

There are also various types of ENM relationships, including romantic and/or sexual, where only one person in the relationship sees other individuals.  

Also, there might be a primary relationship where two people agree that they are primary to each other.  This is considered a hierarchical nonmonogamous relationship.

In a hierarchical nonmonogamous relationship, the people in the primary relationship prioritize their relationship with regard to time spent together, commitment, space and other issues.  This means that anyone else who becomes romantically and/or sexually involved is secondary to the primary couple.

Aside from the hierarchical form of the nonmonogamous relationship, there are many other forms of nonmonogamy, including:

Cheating: 

Cheating is obviously not considered a form of ethical nonmonogamy (see my articles: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

With modern technology, like the personal computers and cellphones, cheating has become easier and more prevalent than in the past.

Cheating on Your Partner

Cheating is a form of betrayal and, when cheating is discovered, it breaks the trust in a relationship and trust is hard, if not impossible, to reestablish.  

In many cases, people choose to stay in the relationship to try to work things out.  Often this is due to feelings that the partners have an emotional investment in their relationship.  

However, there are times when the person who was betrayed doesn't overcome the pain and never regains the trust, but they feel too insecure or unworthy to leave the relationship or they don't want to be alone. 

Often, with the encouragement of the partner who cheated, the person who was betrayed might blame themselves for their partner's infidelity (if they are in a relationship with a highly narcissistic partner, the partner might manipulate them into believing this).  

They might tell themselves that they're to blame for not having sex with their partner more often or not doing certain sexual acts their partner wants.

In addition, there might be cultural, religious, familial or economic factors that keep a couple together even when the person who was betrayed no longer trusts the cheating partner and doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

The data varies, but researchers estimate that a whopping 20-25% of heterosexual married men and 10-15% of married heterosexual women admit to cheating.  

People differ in terms of how they define cheating.

The following list include the activities (along a continuum) that many people consider cheating:

• Viewing pornography alone (without the partner)
• Maintaining a Codependent Relationship With an Ex
  
• Flirting with other people
• Having a close friend or confidante of the opposite sex (for hetero couples)
• Having sexual chemistry with someone else (other than the spouse or partner)
• Having secret sexual fantasies
• Having an emotional affair
• Having a non-consensual sexual affair (or affairs)
• Texting people of the opposite sex with flirty, sexual or romantic content
• Having Secret Social Media Accounts With the Goal of Having an Affair
  
• Having secret phone numbers or email accounts to hide affairs
• Engaging in cyber affairs where a partner is in secret contact with others for romantic or sexual purposes
• Engaging in financial infidelity where a partner has secret bank accounts or spends considerable sums of money without telling the other partner

Cheating Can Also Occur in Ethical Nonmonogamous Relationships

Even though one of the major reasons to be in an ENM relationship is that everything is honest and above board, there are some people who break the agreement with their partner by cheating. 

For example, if the agreement indicates that both partners must mutually agree to the people they get romantically or sexually involved with, they will go outside the agreement to have secret affairs.  For some people, the thrill of secretly cheating on their partner is so enticing that they engage in infidelity despite the agreement.

Polyamory or Polyfidelity

Polyamory is a form of ethical nonmonogamy that allows people to have more than one romantic relationship simultaneously.  

Polyfidelity is similar to polyamory. It specifically allows people to be faithful to a group of two or more people.  The expectation is they won't have relationships outside that group.

Swinging

Generally speaking, swinging involves heterosexual couples getting sexually involved with one or more people.  

Usually, a couple would do this together at a swingers party, club or a swingers resort. They might also have an agreement to do this individually without the other partner.  

Swingers Party

In the early days of swinging, it was called "Wife Swapping," which involved married couples having wife swapping parties in the 1970s and beyond.

Swinging often involves a couple getting sexually involved with another couple.  It might also involve threesomes or other forms of group sex where other people are asked to join the couple in sexual activity (see my article: What is a Unicorn in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?).

In addition, swinging includes heterosexual couples seeking out bisexual or sexually fluid women--although sometimes they seek bisexual men (see my article: The Fetishization of Lesbian and Bisexual Women is a Social Justice Issue).

This might involve what is called "girl-on-girl" sexual activity where the man gets sexually aroused watching his partner having sex with a bisexual woman.  

In another variation, both the man and the woman both get sexually involved with the bisexual woman.

Is an "Agreed Upon" Nonmonogamous Relationship Always Consensual?

Ideally, in ethical nonmonogamy both people have freely agreed and they openly and enthusiastically consent to the agreement.

But sometimes one partner feels pressured into being nonmonogamous and goes along with it because they know it's what their partner wants and they don't want to lose their partner (this is often a woman in a heterosexual relationship, but now always).

The pressure can be explicit where the other partner says they are either non-monogamous or the relationship is over.  

Or, the pressure can be implicit where the partner who wants to be nonmonogamous doesn't say so directly, but they communicate their displeasure in other acting out behavior (i.e., acting sullen, shutting down/giving the "silent treatment," being hostile and so on).

In that case, it wouldn't be considered consensual nonmonogamy because the partner, who is being pressured is just going along with the other partner to please them, and they really don't want it.  

In many relationships, where one partner feels pressured in this way, the relationship collapses under the weight of longstanding resentment by the partner who is just going along with non-monogamy out of fear.

Is Consensual Nonmonogamy Right For You?

Only you can decide if CNM is right for you.  

Depending upon your personal history, it may or may not be right for you.  

For instance, if you have an anxious attachment style with your partner, ENM will, most likely, make you feel insecure and worried about the relationship.  So, you would have to think long and hard before you consented to a ENM relationship agreement.

Some people try it for a period of time and decide whether or not it's right for them.  But, once again, this should be done with a lot of forethought and a mutual agreement.

Consensual Nonmonogamy Won't Fix an Unstable Relationship

Many people open up their relationship because they believe it will help to stabilize an unstable relationship.

These couples usually have misguided ideas about ethical nonmonogamy.  Not only do they confound their own problems, but they also create chaos and confusion for the other people with whom they are getting involved.

Couples in an unstable relationship should work on their relationship first to try to repair it before considering CNM.  

Alternatively, if the problems in their relationship can't be fixed, they might do better separating.

Is There a Risk of Losing Your Partner in Consensual Nonmonogamy?

Most people who are in ENM are ethical and have integrity about their choices.  

However, just as there is a risk in any relationship, people in an CNM relationship could risk losing their partner to someone outside the relationship.  

For example, a couple might have an agreement that their non-monogamous agreement only involves sexual and not emotional ties with others, but emotional ties can still form with others--even if everyone involved has the intention of being true to the agreement.  

Many people in CNM relationships would say that there is more of a risk of losing partner in a monogamous relationship because of the high rate of infidelity.

Also, in most monogamous relationships there is no agreement about the subtleties of monogamy and how they define cheating. 

To give one example mentioned above: Is flirting cheating or is watching porn alone cheating? Some people would say yes and others would say no.  So, when these areas are assumed and not defined, it can be a slippery slope in terms of what is defined as cheating.

Next Articles:

See my articles: 

What is Compersion in Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships

What is a Unicorn in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?

What is Solo Polyamory?

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Resources:

    Books:

• Open Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement by Dr. Tammy Nelson (as mentioned above)
• Tell Me What You Want by Dr. Justin Lehmiller
• So, Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex by Dr. Ian Kerner
• The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships and Other Adventures by Janet Hardy
• Polysecure by Jessica Fern
• Mating in Captivity by Dr. Esther Perel
• The State of Affairs by Dr. Ester Perel

 

The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in Your Relationship

A common complaint from individuals in long term relationships is sexual boredom (see my article: What is Sexual Boredom in a Long Term Relationship?).

The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in Your Relationship

Even couples who are still having sex will often admit in couples therapy that, even though they're sexual with their partner, they're not enjoying it--they're just going through the motions (see my article: Do You Remember What It Was Like to Have Fun in Your Relationship?).

How the Power of Novelty Enhances Your Sex Life

During the initial stage of a relationship when you and your partner are clicking sexually, sex is exciting.  You find yourself often thinking about your partner and anticipating the next time you'll see each other and have sex.

If you each develop stronger romantic and sexual feelings for each other, your attachment to one another increases and love blossoms (see my article: The 5 Stages of a Relationship: From Attraction to Commitment).

The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in Your Relationship

Unfortunately, over time, as new relationship energy decreases, familiarity grows, sexual desire isn't as exciting as it once was and sexual boredom can develop.

Where there is trust and emotional safety in a stable relationship, sexual desire can be enhanced by introducing novelty, excitement and adventure if both people are open to it.  

Rather than being complacent and just passively accepting sexual boredom, couples who are willing to introduce at least one new thing every month or so, tend to have more sexual satisfaction (see my article: Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Relationship).

Why Does Novelty Enhance Sexual Desire?

Sexual novelty increases dopamine, which enhances sexual desire--assuming you're both consenting and enthusiastic about it (see my articles: What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

Whether you're introducing new aspects to your sex life or finding new ways to engage in what has become familiar, novelty can reignite sexual passion and keep your relationship feeling fresh and exciting.

Introducing Novelty With a Partner Who Might Be Reticent

It's not unusual for there to be one partner who is more sexually adventurous and ready to try all kinds of new things to spice up their sex life while the other partner is more cautious (see my article: Tips on How to Start a Conversation With Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires and Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes to Improve Your Sex Life).

For the person who is more cautious and hesitant about trying new things, suggestions from the more adventurous partner can feel threatening.  

There might also be sexual desire discrepancy issues in the relationship where one partner wants to be sexual more often than the other (see my article: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy? and Overcoming Sexual Desire Discrepancy).

If the more cautious person is insecure, they might think these suggestions mean their partner isn't satisfied with them or doesn't love them anymore (as opposed to other partner just wanting to enhance passion).

So, in these instances, it's a good idea for the more adventurous partner to be patient and start with non-sexual activities first, especially if other aspects of the overall relationship have become routine.

This could include trying new non-sexual activities the two of you don't already do, like:

• Hiking
• Working out at the gym together (certain exercises can be sexually arousing, like core, cardio, pelvic thrust and so on)
• Watching an erotic movie
• Going to a new romantic restaurant
• Traveling to a new and exciting destination
• Finding ways to introduce humor (laughing increases dopamine)

As you and your partner experiment with new non-sexual activities, all other things being equal, the two of you might be more willing to explore new areas in your sex life.

Exploring Novel Ways to Enhance Sexual Desire

Once you're both willing to explore new areas in your sex life, you can start by talking about your sexual fantasies (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2, and What Are Emotional Aphrodisiacs?).

The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in Your Relationship

Even if you never intend to engage in these fantasies in real life, when the two of you imagine and talk about them, you can both get turned on (see my article: What Are the 4 Cornerstones of Eroticism?).

Keep it fun and find ways to laugh together (remember the connection between laughter and dopamine).  

If you and your partner are open to it, you can introduce the element of surprise.  This might include:

• Using a new sex toy
• Being playful in a fun way
• Watching porn that you and your partner both enjoy
• Enhancing sexual satisfaction by using"edging" during oral sex.  This means engaging in cycles of sexual stimulation almost to the point of orgasm, stopping and then starting again to build to a more intense orgasm.
• Exploring kink or BDSM (see my articles: What is Power Play? and Destigmatizing Fantasies of Power and Submission).

Bring Back Courtship Into Your Relationship

If you're in a long term relationship, you and your partner might have stopped engaging in the courtship behavior that initially brought you together and made each of you feel loved.

When you were in the early stage of your relationship, you were probably excited about getting to know each other, including getting to know each other sexually.  

Even though you might be together a long time, there are often new things to get to know and explore about your partner.  So, keep an open mind to the possibility there can still be things you don't know that you might find exciting about your partner and vice versa.

Being flirtatious with each other, including:

• Complimenting your partner and making them feel special
• Touching your partner in a tender way at a time when your partner is receptive to it
• Giving your partner a peck on the lips
• Leaving a flirtatious note under your partner's pillow or on the bathroom mirror

Conclusion

Sexual boredom can take its toll and it can erode a relationship.

Being willing to explore new and exciting ways to introduce sexual novelty into your relationship--no matter how long you've been together--shows that you care, you value your partner and you value your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

September 11th - World Trade Center: Never Forget - New York City

 

Potential Pitfalls When You Talk to a Partner About Your Sexual Desires

This is the second part of a topic I began in a prior article, Tips on How to Start a Conversation With a Partner About Your Sexual Desires, and it will be focusing on the potential pitfalls to avoid when talking to a partner (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Talking to Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires

According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, Kinsey sex researcher and social psychologist, in his book, Tell Me What You Want, there can be potential benefits to sharing your sexual desires with a partner.

Generally speaking, I believe the benefits usually outweigh the problems for most people.  However, it's also important to point out that there can be problems you should be aware of depending upon your personal history, your partner's history, the nature of your relationship and your particular circumstances.

Talking to Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires

Potential Pitfalls When You Talk to a Partner About Your Sexual Desires

Only you know your partner and the nature of your relationship, so the following list of potential pitfalls may or may not apply to your situation:

• Know Your Partner First: Before you talk about your sexual desires, know your partner.  If you just started seeing someone, unless you met them on a dating site that is specifically for people who are into a particular sexual desire, like BDSM  or other sexual desires, it's generally not a good idea to have this conversation on your first date.  Take the time to get to know someone before you broach this topic.  If not, it could be TMI (too much information) and off putting for the person you've just started dating.

Talking to Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires

• Be Discerning About What You Disclose to Your Partner: If you're already in a stable relationship and you know your partner tends to be sexually adventurous, you probably already have a sense of whether your partner will respond well to sexual desires you've never disclosed before.  But if you're in a relationship where you know your partner tends to be more sexually inexperienced, cautious or conservative, be discerning as to what you disclose.  

• Don't Expect to Stabilize an Unstable Relationship By Disclosing Sexual Desires:  If you're in a shaky or chaotic relationship, there are more pressing issues you and your partner need to address first.  A relationship that is already unstable can be further destabilized by disclosing desires or fantasies that are not already part of your relationship.  Work on stabilizing your relationship first.

• Be Aware Your Partner Might Feel Insecure After You Disclose Your Sexual Desires: Depending upon what you disclose and how your partner feels about it, be aware that talking about certain sexual desires might cause your partner to feel insecure, uneasy or scared.  This could occur because of a partner's early traumatic history, which might include sexual abuse, their experiences in prior relationships or shame about sex or body image issues.  So be empathetic and willing to talk about the emotional issues that might come up.

• Be Aware Your Partner Might Have Other Negative Reactions: Along with knowing your partner and being discerning, you also want to be aware of a potentially negative reaction your partner might have to hearing sexual desires you never expressed before.  Depending upon what you share, you might be confronted with expressions of disgust, anger or shock.  Your partner might feel you're unhappy in the relationship. So, if you're generally satisfied with the relationship but you want to explore these desires, be aware your partner might need your reassurance.  In certain circumstances, people have used their partner's sexual desires to shame their partner, gossip or to make inappropriate posts on social media. There have also been child custody cases where someone tries to prove their partner is an unfit parent based on the partner's sexual desires.  Although this isn't a everyday occurrence, it's important to be aware of the possibility, especially if you're in an unstable relationship or you anticipate problems.

• Be Aware of the Possible Negative Impact of Emotional Vulnerability After Disclosing Your Sexual Desires: This is especially true if your conversation with your partner doesn't go well.  Once you've disclosed your sexual desires or fantasies, even if you don't want to enact them in real life (you just want to talk about them), you can't take them back.  On the other hand, emotional vulnerability can be positive.  It's what often brings couples together (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Intimacy in a Relationship).  But if it doesn't go well, be prepared to have more than one discussion to address the negative consequences of your own or your partner's emotionally vulnerability.

• Be Aware Your Conversation Could Highlight a Need to Address Sexual Desire Discrepancy: Even though this issue is being listed as a potential pitfall, this is a common issue in relationships and it isn't necessarily a bad thing.  Sexual desire discrepancy doesn't automatically mean you and your partner are sexually incompatible or that your relationship is doomed.  It might seem daunting at first when you and your partner initially identify the problem, but it's only potentially negative if you and your partner ignore it, refuse to work or you're unable to work through the issue (for whatever reason).  Ignoring it can erode the relationship over time. On the other hand, addressing sexual desire discrepancy could lead to a positive outcome if you and your partner are open minded enough to work on this issue.  Many couples have successfully worked out sexual desire discrepancy with the result that their sex life and overall relationship is better than ever (see my article: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?).

Conclusion

You are the only one who knows your particular circumstances and whether it's a good idea to share your sexual desires with a partner.

Even though there are some potential pitfalls, depending upon your circumstances, having open discussions about your own and your partner's sexual desires can be fun and exciting.  

As I mentioned above, I believe the benefits usually outweigh the pitfalls for most people.

Not only can it spice up your sex life, but talking to your partner about your sexual desires can bring the two of you closer together.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Tips on How to Start a Conversation With a Partner About Your Sexual Desires

In my prior article, Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes to Improve Your Sex Life, I began a discussion about discovering your own and your partner's sexual turn-ons and turn-offs (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

How to Start a Conversation With Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires

How Do You Start a Conversation About Your Sexual Desires?

Since most of us in the U.S. weren't taught how to communicate about our sexual pleasure or desires, people often find it hard to talk about this topic to a partner--even with a partner they have been with for a long time. So, some tips can be helpful.

In his book, Tell Me What You Want, Dr. Justin Lehmiller, Kinsey research fellow and social psychologist, provides some tips:

• Choose the Right Time and Place: 
• Choose a place where you and your partner will have privacy and where there won't be disruptions or distractions.

• If possible, choose a place where you both might feel sexually aroused (e.g., while watching a sexy movie at home or while you're kissing and caressing each other).

• Consider how long you have been seeing each other, the stage of your relationship and what you feel comfortable sharing at this point. If you share too much too soon, you and your partner might feel uncomfortable.

How to Start a Conversation With a Partner About Your Sexual Desires

• Have an Ice Breaker in Mind to Begin the Discussion: 
• If you and your partner want to watch a sexy movie, try to find one that will open up a discussion about the sexual desires you want to discuss. For instance, if you fantasize about an aspect of role playing or BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism), choose a movie that will has BDSM scenes (preferably one that doesn't have the most severe forms of BDSM if this is the first time you and your partner will be talking about it and you don't know how your partner might feel).  This can open up a discussion about what you both saw in the movie and whether these things were sexual turn-ons.

• If you and your partner visit a sex shop, you can share what each of you might be interested in from the shop's selection of sex toys and other merchandise.

• Consider a game where you each reveal your sexual turn-ons (e.g., Where Should We Begin?, which is a game developed by sex and relationship therapist, Dr. Esther Perel).

• Try using The 36 Questions That Lead to Love from the New York Times.  The main idea is that these questions are designed to facilitate closeness.

• Be Clear on Why You're Sharing Your Sexual Fantasies: Being Clear Will Help Put Your Partner At Ease:
• Do you want to have an initial conversation about each of your fantasies and have more conversations about it in the future? OR

• Are you hoping to enact some or all of these sexual fantasies?

• Recognize That Communication is a Two-Way Street:
• While your partner will be learning about your sexual fantasies, you'll also discover their fantasies.  

• Expect that you and your partner might not have the same exact fantasies, but there might be some fantasies you both share, so try to keep an open mind.  Just because you don't have the same fantasies doesn't mean that you're not sexually compatible.  According to Dr. Lehmiller, most couples have at least some fantasies they share.  So, you can focus on the fantasies you share in common rather than being upset about the ones you don't share.

• Don't take it personally if your partner doesn't like what you like. You each have your own personal history as well as likes and dislikes.  

• Be Tactful With How You Respond to Your Partner's Self Disclosure:
• You don't have to like what your partner likes (and vice versa), but you need to be respectful and tactful.  Remember that in the same way you're being emotionally vulnerable by sharing your fantasies, so is your partner.  So, don't be judgmental or critical or this will shut down the conversation and, possibly, ruin your relationship.

• Express appreciation to your partner for opening up to this intimate conversation.

How to Start a Conversation With a Partner About Your Sexual Desires

• Be Aware That You'll Probably Have Other Discussions About Your Sexual Fantasies 
• Discussing your fantasies and your partner's usually isn't a one-time conversation.  

• If all goes well during the first discussion, you might want to go more in-depth about certain fantasies.

• Sexual fantasies often change over time, so if you're in a long term relationship, you'll want to explore fantasies at different points during your relationship.

My Next Blog Article on This Topic: Potential Negative Consequences of Self Disclosure

Even though these conversations usually go well for most people, in my next article I'll discuss some of the potential negative consequences of discussing your sexual fantasies: Potential Pitfalls of Talking to a Partner About Your Sexual Desires).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and EFT therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes to Improve Your Sex Life

As I've mentioned in my previous articles, one of the best sex education resources for individuals and couples is Dr. Emily Nagoski's bestselling book, Come As You Are. 

An important topic in this book is sexual accelerators and sexual brakes (see my articles:  Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Your Sexual Brakes - Part 1 and Part 2).

Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes

Dr. Nagoski discusses the Dual-Control Model of human sexuality, which helps you understand how everyone is wired in terms of sexuality.  

To simplify this concept, she uses the metaphor of a car, which has an accelerator and a brake.

While some men and women are less sexually inhibited (more sensitive accelerators than brakes), others experience more inhibitions (more sensitive brakes than accelerators). 

Whether you have more sensitive accelerators or brakes, there is no right or wrong way to respond sexually--it's just different.

To become sexually aroused, it's a matter of deactivating the brake and activating the accelerator.  

But before you can do this, you need to know your own as well as your partner's sexual accelerators and brakes.  

Becoming Aware of Your Sexual Brakes (also known as Inhibitions)

If you're not aware of your own accelerators and brakes, you might need to think back to situations with your partner or when you were alone where you felt sexually inhibited and other situations where you felt sexually turned (see my article: Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences).

In order to allow yourself to respond sexually, deactivating the brakes is more important than activating the accelerators.  

Just like when you drive a car, you can't accelerate if your foot is on the brake.  You need to be able to release the brake first before you can accelerate.

So, in terms of accelerators and brakes, since deactivating the brakes is more important to start, let's focus first on possible brakes you and your partner might experience.

     Stress as a Sexual Brake

For example, a common sexual brake for many people is stress.  Let's say you had a very stressful day.  It's usually difficult to transition from feeling stressed to feeling open to being sexual.  You might need to relax, meditate or do some breath work to feel open and sexual.

     Lack of Privacy as a Sexual Brake

Another example is if you're in the habit of leaving your bedroom door unlocked and you're worried about your child coming into the room and finding you and your spouse having sex. It would be hard for you to relax enough to have sex with your spouse if you think your child might come into your bedroom.

     A History of Unresolved Sexual Trauma as a Sexual Brake

A history of unresolved sexual trauma can also be a brake if you get triggered, and there can be many different triggers: a certain touch by your partner, the scent of an after shave or a cologne that is the same as the person who abused you, certain sexual acts, and so on.  

Unresolved sexual trauma can get worked through in individual therapy with a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).  

Couples therapy, like Emotionally Focused Therapy, can also be helpful for you and your partner to work through these issues in your relationship.

     A Negative Body Image as a Sexual Brake

Another common sexual brake, especially for women, involves body image (see my article: Sexual Wellness: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?).  

A related issue would be critical remarks from a partner ("You gained so much weight. I'm not turned on by you anymore" or "You're so flabby. How do you expect me to be turned on by you?").

     Anxiety About Sexual Performance as a Sexual Brake

Focusing on sexual performance rather than pleasure is another common issue.  For men, this might mean worrying about penis size and/or maintaining an erection, and for women, it might mean worrying about having an orgasm (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

Working through sexual brakes can be challenging, but many individuals and couples are able to do successfully work through these issues with a skilled psychotherapist with an expertise in these issues.

Becoming Aware of Your Sexual Accelerators

Assuming your sexual brakes have been deactivated enough for you to enjoy sex, you can focus on your sexual accelerators (see my articles: What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?, What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

Becoming Aware of Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes

     Discovering Your Sexual Turn Ons During Solo Pleasure as a Sexual Accelerator

If you're not aware of what turns you on sexually, one way to find out is through your own self exploration.  

This might involve allowing yourself to become comfortable enough to put aside any critical voices in your head, which are also sexual brakes, to engage in solo pleasure.

     Talking About Sexual Fantasies as a Sexual Accelerator

Another way to discover your sexual turn ons is for you and your partner to explore sexual fantasies (see my article: Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

When you and your partner are sharing your individual fantasies, be aware that you're both emotionally vulnerable so it's important not to be judgmental or critical of your partner's fantasies or your own. 

Your partner's fantasies might not be your fantasies, but if you want to have an open discussion about them, you both need to be empathetic and nonjudgmental.

By exploring, I mean that you and your partner talk about the sexual fantasies that turn each of you on.  At this point, this doesn't mean you're going to enact any of these fantasies--unless you both want to do it (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

     Being Open to Sexual Exploration With Your Partner as a Sexual Accelerator

Once you each know what you both like sexually, you can be more sexually adventurous and try novel ways of having fun.  

Whether these sexual explorations work out or not, once again, it's important to be empathetic and nonjudgmental. 

Being open and playful can be helpful.  Rather than focusing on having an orgasm or other performative issues, focus on having fun and enjoying each other (as Dr. Nagoski says, "Pleasure is the measure").

Overcoming Problems With Talking to Your Partner About Sex

It's not unusual for couples--even couples who have been together for many years--to feel too uncomfortable to talk to each other about sex (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes

Whether these inhibitions involve guilt, shame or shyness, know that you're not alone.  

This is a common problem for many couples, especially couples living in the United States and other places where sex education is generally inadequate and many people grew up in a sex-negative environment (see my article:  What Does Sex Positive Mean?).

A skilled couples therapist can help you and your partner to overcome the communication challenges you're experiencing together.

Overcoming Problems with Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Your Relationship

As I discussed in previous articles, problems with sexual desire discrepancy are common in relationships.  

In fact, it's one of the most common problems that brings couples into couples therapy (see my articles: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy? and Overcoming Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Your Relationship).

Whether it's a temporary issue or an ongoing problem, you and your partner might experience differences in terms of sexual libido.  

One of you might have a stronger sexual libido and want sex more often than the other, and this can become a contentious problem, especially if one or both of you feel hurt, rejected or misunderstood. The problem is often compounded if you and your partner don't know how to talk about it. 

For many couples, sexual desire discrepancy leads to the end of their relationship.  But this problem and other related sexual problems doesn't mean your relationship is doomed.  

Educate Yourself and Seek Help in Therapy If Necessary

Rather than giving up on your relationship because of sexual problems, educate yourself by reading and discussing Dr. Nagoski's book, Come As You Are, together.  

If you continue to have problems, seek help from a skilled couples therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.