Self Help Tips For Coping With Anxiety

Experiencing occasional anxiety is common.  At any given time at least 30% of people experience anxiety.  In this article, I'm focusing on self help tips you can use for anxiety relief (see my articles:  What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety? , Coping with Anticipatory Anxiety and Tips to Cope With Chronic Worrying).

Coping With Anxiety

Common Symptoms of Anxiety

Let's start by defining some of the symptoms of anxiety:

• Feeling nervous, restless or tense
• Having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom
• Having problems concentrating on anything other than your present worry
• Wanting to avoid anything that triggers your worry
• Having an increased heart rate
• Having problems sleeping (either falling or staying asleep)
• Trembling
• Sweating
• Breathing rapidly (hyperventilation)
• Having gastrointestinal (GI) problems

Common Forms of Anxiety

Here are some common forms of anxiety:

• Generalized Anxiety

• Panic Attacks (see my article: Tips on Coping With Panic Attacks)

• Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Past and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Can Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs)

• Social Anxiety (see my article: Overcoming Social Anxiety)

• Adult Separation Anxiety (see my article: Overcoming Adult Separation Anxiety)

• Agoraphobia

• Phobias (see my article:What Are Phobias?)

Self Help Tips For Coping With Anxiety

If you experience occasional anxiety, which isn't causing significant problems in your life, here are some self help tips.

• Start Your Day With a Sense of Well Being: How you start your day can set the tone for the rest of your day and make a big difference in how you feel (see my article: Tips For Starting Your Morning With a Sense of Well Being and The Power of Creating Personal Rituals).

• Keep Physically Active: Whether you walk, dance, work out at the gym or engage in other healthy physical activity, keeping physical can be a powerful stress reliever.  Develop a physical routine for yourself that takes into account your ability to be active in a healthy way.  Consult with your doctor before making any significant changes to your physical activity.

• Use Stress Management and Relaxation Techniques: Meditation, visualization, yoga and other forms of stress management can help reduce anxiety (see my articles: Stress Management: Finding Moments of Peace and Relaxation,  Stress Management and Self Care, Mindfulness Meditation, Safe Place Meditation and Creating Quiet Times For Yourself).

• Remember to Breathe: When you're anxious, you might breathe in a shallow way, which can increase anxiety.  So you could benefit from being aware of your breathing and using relaxing breathing techniques (see my article: Square Breathing).

• Make Sleep a Priority: Most people need 7-8 hours of sleep per night (see my articles: Tips For Better Sleep and Conquering Your Nightmares).

• Spend Time in Nature: Spending time in green places can help relieve stress and anxiety (see my article: Walking in Nature Can Improve Your Mood).

• Eat a Balanced Diet: A balanced diet incorporates fruits, vegetables, whole grains and proteins.  Always consult with your doctor before changing your diet.

• Reduce or Avoid Alcohol: The stimulative effect of alcohol can increase anxiety, so be aware of how much you're drinking (see my articles: Overcoming the Temptation to Use "Liquid Courage" to Cope With Social Situations).

• Avoid Recreational Drugs: Certain recreational drugs can increase anxiety, including cannabis.  

• Cut Back or Eliminate Caffeinated Beverages: Caffeine can make anxiety worse, so be aware of your caffeine intake and take steps to either reduce or eliminate caffeinated beverages.

• Quit Smoking: Nicotine can make anxiety worse so take steps to stop smoking (see my article: Becoming a Successful Nonsmoker)

• Keep a Journal: Keeping a personal journal can help you to become aware of what's causing you anxiety and what helps to reduce your anxiety (see my article: Journal Writing Can Reduce Stress and Anxiety).

• Identify Your Triggers: Along with keeping a journal, being able to identify your triggers can help you to deal with your anxiety (see my article: Coping With Triggers).

• Get Emotional Support: Instead of isolating, stay social and get emotional support from trusted friends, family and a significant other (see my article: Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Emotional Support).

When Self Help Isn't Enough

The suggestions above can help to reduce anxiety, but when you're experiencing persistent anxiety self help might not be enough.  

In my next article, I'll discuss how psychotherapy can help you to overcome anxiety (see my article: Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety).

Getting Help in Therapy

Anxiety can reduce the quality of your life and overall sense of well-being.

If anxiety is a persistent problem, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting help in psychotherapy for your anxiety can improve the quality of life for you and for your loved ones who might be affected by your anxiety, so don't hesitate to seek help (see my article: Your Anxiety or Depression Could Be Having a Negative Impact on Your Loved Ones).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome persistent anxiety.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Experiential Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Emotional Hijacking

In my last two articles, What is Emotional Hijacking? and Self Help Tips to Cope with Emotional Hijacking, I defined this phenomenon and provided self help tools.  

In this article I'm focusing on how experiential therapy, which is a bottom up therapeutic approach, can help you to overcome emotional hijacking (see my article:  What's the Difference Between Top Down and Bottom Up Approaches to Therapy?)

How Experiential Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Emotional Hijacking

An emotional hijack occurs when the part of the brain called the amygdala, which is an emotional processor, bypasses (or hijacks) your normal reasoning process.  

Although normally your decision making occurs in other parts of the brain, the amygdala takes over during certain circumstances.

There are times when using self help tools aren't enough, especially when unresolved trauma gets activated over and over again.  

At that point, it's important to get help from a therapist who uses experiential therapy to help clients overcome trauma (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective For Trauma Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how an experiential approach in therapy helps a client who has unresolved trauma.  As always, this is a composite of many different cases without identifying information.

Glen

At the encouragement of his wife, Glen, 38, sought help in therapy.  

During the prior six months, he began feeling irritable and anxious.  He told his therapist that he started a new job, and his director, John, was highly critical of Glen and all of Glen's colleagues.  

John justified his criticism by saying he believed it would encourage the sales team to work harder (see my article: Coping With a Difficult Boss).

Glen's colleagues, who worked for John for several years, shrugged off John's criticism because they said, even though he was critical, he usually rewarded them with bonuses and merit raises at the end of the year, which was all they cared about. As a result, most of them didn't take John's comments that seriously.

But Glen couldn't shrug it off the way his colleagues did.  He felt deeply wounded by John's remarks--even though, privately, John assured Glen that he thought he was doing a good job.

Whenever John criticized Glen in a staff meeting, Glen felt like he froze emotionally--he couldn't even think straight, which meant he couldn't respond to John's statements or questions.  He felt like something so overpowering came over him emotionally that he felt like he was no longer in the room.

Afterwards, when he had a chance to calm himself, he couldn't understand why he had such severe reactions to John's comments while his colleagues took John's negative comments to them in stride.

Even on his days off, Glen had a hard time letting go of John's criticism, and this affected his relationship with his wife, Barbara.  He no longer wanted to get together with their friends or do the things they usually both enjoyed.  

After watching Glen's mood get worse over time, Barbara told him that he needed to get help. 

When Glen's therapist asked him about his family background, he described a mother who was emotionally distant and a father who was critical and hard to please.  

Until he said this, Glen hadn't made the connection between his current boss and his critical father (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

His therapist explained the concept of emotional hijacking to Glen.  When they did an Affect Bridge to trace the origin of the emotional hijacking, Glen traced it back to his early childhood when his father would often humiliate him in front of his friends--similar to how John humiliated him in staff meetings.  

Based on Glen's response to the Affect Bridge, his therapist recommended that they address his unresolved trauma using EMDR Therapy as well as Ego States therapy.

Using these experiential therapies, over time, they gradually worked on Glen's current triggers, his past triggers and his apprehension about the future.  

Once Glen worked through the past and present triggers and his fears about the future, he no longer felt emotionally hijacked at work.  He also no longer ruminated about his director's critical comments when he was at home.  In addition, his mood improved substantially, and he once again enjoyed his social activities and interests with his wife and friends.

He also decided he deserved to work in a healthier work environment, so he found another job which had a positive work environment with a boss who was much more encouraging.

Conclusion

Unresolved trauma can get triggered in new situations in your personal life as well as in your work environment.  

These triggers can cause you to feel like you're being emotionally hijacked to the point where your logical brain shuts down temporarily.

An experiential approach in therapy is more effective than regular talk therapy in resolving trauma.  

Getting Help in Therapy

If you find that your efforts to cope with emotional hijacking aren't working, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist who uses experiential therapy (What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many individuals and couples to resolve trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Self Help Tips on How to Cope With Emotional Hijacking

In my prior article, What is Emotional Hijacking?, I defined the term as it relates to unresolved trauma, and I gave some examples.  In this article, I'm providing some self help tips on how to cope with emotional hijacking (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Past).

Tips on How to Cope With Emotional Hijacking

As I mentioned in my prior article, an emotional hijack occurs when the part of the brain called the amygdala, which is an emotional processor, bypasses (or hijacks) your normal reasoning process.  

Although normally your decision making occurs in other parts of the brain, the amygdala takes over during certain circumstances (see my article: Trauma, Therapy and the Triune Brain).

When the amygdala reacts without the help of the logical part of your brain helping you to pause and process the situation first, you overreact without thinking.  Often this leads to situations which you regret afterwards when you've had time to process what happened to you.

Tips on How to Cope With Emotional Hijacking

• Pause: If you can recognize the cues that you're feeling emotionally overwhelmed, pause for a moment to calm down and process what just happened.

• Count to 10: Whether you count to 10 or you need to count to 100, you'll distract yourself enough to temporarily move away from whatever emotions are overwhelming you so you can go back afterwards to think about it rationally.

• Breathe: Breath in a way where the exhalations are twice as long as the inhalations. So, if you breathe in to the count of 5, breathe out to the count of 10.  The exhalations activate your parasympathetic system to help to calm you.  You can also use Square Breathing.

• Name the Emotion: When you've had some time to pause and think about what's happening to you, name the emotion you're experiencing. This can help you to make sense of what's happening to you.

• Move: When you get up and move, the logical part of your brain will eventually come back online so you can think more clearly.  This can mean you go for a walk outside or just walk into another room.

• Write in Your Journal: Writing and reflecting on what caused you to react emotionally can help you to engage the logical part of your brain so you can reflect on what just happened to you (see my article: The Benefits of Journal Writing).

• Get Emotional Support: When you share your feelings with a partner or trusted family member or friend, you can relieve yourself of some of the emotional burden you're carrying and you can get another perspective about what's bothering you (see my article: Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Emotional Support).

In my next article, I'll discuss how processing unresolved trauma in therapy can help: See my article: How Experiential. Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Emotional Hijacking.

Getting Help in Therapy

If these self help tips don't work for you, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist who can help you to overcome the unresolved trauma that causes you to get emotionally hijacked (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

What is Emotional Hijacking?

The psychologist and science journalist Daniel Goleman introduced the concept of emotional hijacking in the mid-1990s in his book, Working With Emotional Intelligence (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

What is Emotional Hijacking?

As a psychotherapist in New York City who specializes in helping clients to overcome trauma, I see many clients who experience emotional hijacking based on unresolved trauma from the past (see my article: Understanding Why You're Affected By Unresolved Trauma From a Long Time Ago).

What is Emotional Hijacking?

So, let's start by defining this term.

An emotional hijack occurs when the part of the brain called the amygdala, which is an emotional processor, bypasses (or hijacks) your normal reasoning process.  

Although normally your decision making occurs in other parts of the brain, the amygdala takes over during certain circumstances (see my article: Trauma, the Triune Brain and Somatic Experiencing).

This can be a very good thing: If you're being chased by a tiger, you probably wouldn't survive if you had to rely on the logical part of your brain to reason out what you should do.  That would take too long when seconds could mean the difference between life and death.

So, when the amygdala takes over, you react without having to use the logical part of the brain and you run before you even realize that you're doing it.

But there are times when the amygdala reacts when you want the logical part of your brain to help you to pause and process the situation first.

Situations Where People Are Emotionally Hijacked

Here are some examples of people getting emotionally hijacked.  See if you can relate to any of these scenarios, which are based on composites of many different cases with all identifying information removed:

• Feeling Ignored and Invisible: Joe was trying to tell his wife, Betty, about his stressful day with a difficult colleague.  Normally, Betty is attentive and empathetic, but she was distracted by an email that popped up on her computer at home from her boss that needed an immediate response.  As a result, she was only half listening to Joe, which upset him. Without even thinking about it, Joe lashed out at Betty and said, "You never pay attention to me!" Joe was unaware that emotionally he was brought back to all the times when he was a small child and he tried to get his mother's attention, but she was too distracted by Joe's father, who was drunk.  At the point when Joe got emotionally hijacked in the present, he didn't realize he was reacting to unresolved trauma from the past.  But when he spoke to his therapist about it later on in the week, she explained the concept of emotional hijacking to him, and she helped him to understand the connection between the present situation with his wife and his unresolved trauma from the past.  He realized his reaction to his wife was out of proportion to the current situation, and he apologized to his wife. He also told his therapist he wanted to work on his unresolved trauma so he wouldn't continue to get emotionally hijacked (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

• Feeling Left Out and Unlovable: When Sue asked her close friend, Ann, to go to the movies, she felt hurt to hear that Ann already had other plans with her other friend, Tania.  Not only did Sue feel hurt, she also felt left out and unlovable.  As she walked home, she silently berated herself for even asking Ann to go to the movies. She said to herself, "Why did I even ask her? She obviously doesn't care about me or she would've included me in her plans with Tania.  What an idiot I am to believe she's a good friend of mine!"  During her next therapy session, Sue told her therapist about what happened.  Her therapist had heard many stories prior to this of Sue's good friendship with Ann, so she knew that Sue was reacting to the present based on her past experience as a child with an emotionally unavailable mother.  As her therapist reminded Sue about her long, close friendship with Ann and how loving and supportive Ann had been in the past, Sue realized that her thinking was distorted, and this was another situation where she was emotionally hijacked (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

• Feeling Powerless:  When Bill tried to return a defective laptop he bought the day before, he was turned away at the store by a brusque sales associate who told him that he couldn't, under any circumstances, replace it or give Bill his money back.  The original sales associate, who sold the laptop to Bill had told Bill that he had 90 days to return the laptop for any reason for either a replacement, a refund or store credit.  Bill even had a receipt that confirmed the store's policy.  But the current sales associate was rude and abrupt, and Bill felt powerless.  He didn't know what to say or do, so he left the store feeling confused.  Later that day when Bill spoke to his wife about the incident, she recognized Bill's familiar pattern of getting emotionally hijacked in similar situations.  She helped him to calm down so he could think more clearly about it.  When he was calmer, based on his work in therapy, Bill realized the sales associate's manner was similar to how his father used to berate him when Bill was a child.  He also realized he was reacting to the current situation as if he was living in the past.  The next day, Bill went back to the store and asked to speak with the sales manager, who was very apologetic for how Bill had been treated the day before and he refunded Bill his money (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Affects How You Feel About Yourself).

The examples above represent only a few of the many situations where people get emotionally hijacked.  You can probably think of many others.

Conclusion

Emotional hijacking occurs when the emotional processor in the brain, the amygdala, reacts and bypasses the logical part of the brain so that you have an immediate response that is usually out of proportion to the current situation.

More times than not, your brain is reacting to memories from the past which are related to unresolved trauma.

People often realize, in hindsight, that they overreacted, but they might not realize why, especially if they're not in therapy.  

By then, they might feel ashamed for their overreaction. 

Over time, there is also the possibility of damaging important relationships if these overreactions keep happening.

My Next Articles

In my next blog article, I'll provide some tips on how to deal with emotional hijacking: Self Help Tips on Emotional Hijacking.

Also see my article: How Experiential Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Emotional Hijacking.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you recognize that you tend to get emotionally hijacked often under certain circumstances, you could benefit from getting help from a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Overcoming unresolved trauma with the help of a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area can free you from getting emotionally hijacked.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome psychological trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Wellness: Understanding the Unconscious Meaning of Your Fantasies

In prior articles, I wrote about sexual fantasies as they relate to relationships.  See my articles: 

Developing the Erotic Self

The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies

Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame

Are You Too Ashamed to Talk to Your Partner About Your Sexual Fantasies?

Understanding the Unconscious Meaning of Your Sexual Fantasies

In this article, I'm focusing on defining sexual fantasies based on the work of Dr. Michael Bader.

What Are Sexual Fantasies?

According to Michael Bader, Ph.D., author of the book, Arousal - The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies, most people think of sexual fantasies as erotic daydreams where there are images, scenes and possibly a plot that gets them sexually excited.  

This often leads some people, who don't have images or scenarios in their head, to say that they don't have sexual fantasies.

But Dr. Bader says that this is a narrow definition of sexual fantasies.

He says sexual fantasies are whatever gets you turned on, which could include things like the type of:

• Personalities you're drawn to
• Personal attributes in others that get you turned on
• Bodies that get you sexually aroused
• Porn you're most aroused by or erotic books you read (if you watch porn or read erotica)

And so on.

As you can see if you compare the definitions above, Dr. Bader's definition is more inclusive.  

He says when sexual fantasies are defined in this more expansive way, most people would say they do have sexual fantasies (see my articles: What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

Different people also have different types of sexual fantasies based on many factors, including cultural or ethnic background, religion, childhood upbringing, and other factors that are unique to each individual.  

Even if two people have similar sexual fantasies, each person is bound to have a particular twist to their fantasy.

What Are Some of the Problems People Have With Their Sexual Fantasies?

According to Dr. Bader, in order for people to allow themselves to get sexually excited by their fantasies, they need to feel safe enough to do it.  If they don't feel safe, their sexual excitement can be inhibited.

For instance, if a man worried that his girlfriend would feel demeaned by his sexual fantasy (even if his fantasy remained imaginary and he didn't want to engage in it in real life) she might be put off or judgmental, and he would feel too guilty to allow himself to have the fantasy. 

Even if his girlfriend didn't object to his fantasy, but he felt like a "bad person" for having the fantasy, this could create an inhibition.

In addition, many people don't understand their fantasies because they're in conflict with their everyday values.  

For instance, a woman who has feminist values might have fantasies of being sexually dominated by a man.  This could occur whether she's heterosexual, bisexual, a lesbian, transgender, nonbinary or considers herself to be sexually fluid.  She might feel guilty and ashamed of this fantasy and try to suppress it because she doesn't understand it.

The Unconscious Logic of Sexual Fantasies

Dr. Bader posits that sexual fantasies are the key to unlocking sexual inhibitions--whether the inhibitions involve guilt, shame or some inhibitory factor.

He says that if fantasies are the key that unlock the inhibition, knowing the inhibition helps to infer the underlying issues that are inhibiting sexual pleasure.

He gives an example of someone who is sexually attracted to unavailable authority figures, like teachers, bosses at work, therapists or other people in authority.  

In this case, based on the person's personal history, one possible underlying meaning is that this person might feel inadequate and fantasies about authority figures might be an unconscious solution to this problem.

Another example would be an executive, who is in charge at a large corporation and has the  responsibility for making major decisions.  He might have fantasies of being sexually dominated where he is in a submissive role, which would be a significant change from his daily experiences at work. 

This submissive role would compensate for feeling overwhelmed by always being in charge at work (see my articles: What is Sexual Power Play in Relationships? and What You Can Learn From the Kink Community About Consent).

A heterosexual woman, who was neglected as a child and felt invisible and unlovable in her family, might have sexual fantasies of being part of a threesome where two men are focused exclusively on her sexual pleasure.  

Within this fantasy, she is the center of attention so she feels attractive and desirable.  This is the opposite of how she felt when she was growing up and how she probably feels as an adult if she has not worked on this problem in therapy.

How to Unlock the Unconscious Meaning of Your Sexual Fantasies

Some sexual fantasies are easier than others in terms of unlocking their meaning so the meaning might be obvious to these people.

For other people, who might feel too guilty or ashamed to reflect on their fantasies (or where the fantasies are complex), understanding the unconscious meaning could be more elusive.  

A psychotherapist, who knows how to help clients to unlock the unconscious meaning, can help a client to understand why they have particular fantasies so they no longer feel guilty or ashamed of them.  

What Are the Benefits of Understanding Your Sexual Fantasies?

If you feel free to indulge in fantasies and you're not bothered by them, you might not care whether you understand them or not. You can just enjoy them.

Some people who feel free to enjoy their fantasies might even say that deconstructing their fantasies might get in the way of enjoying them, which is understandable.

But you're feeling guilty and ashamed of your fantasies, understanding their meaning could be help you to:

• Free up sexual energy so your fantasies are more pleasurable to you and your partner.

• Use your fantasies to enhance your sexual pleasure in real life--assuming they're not harmful to you or anyone else.

• Compensate for early childhood wounds where you felt unlovable or powerless.

• Help you to feel more desirable and confident in yourself.

Conclusion

Sexual fantasies can have unconscious meaning that help to free up sexual energy, compensate for earlier unmet needs and provide a balance for the rest of your life (as mentioned above with the executive who is normally in charge at work and wants to be submissive sexually).

Feeling guilty or ashamed of a sexual fantasy inhibits your sexual pleasure.

Having a sexual fantasy is very different from enacting the fantasy in real life, which you might never want to do.  

At the same time, as long as it's not harmful to you or others, using your sexual fantasies for solo pleasure or partnered sex can enhance your sex life.

Getting Help in Therapy

If guilt and shame are inhibiting your ability to enjoy sex, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has experience in helping clients to work through these issues.

Rather than struggling on your own, as an individual or a couple, seek help so you can overcome your inhibitions and have a more enjoyable sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

What is Your Erotic Blueprint? Part 2

In Part 1 of this topic, I gave a basic description of the erotic blueprint based on Dr. Esther Perel's book, Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.  In this second article about the erotic blueprint, I'm providing a clinical vignette to help illustrate the dynamics involved  in a particular case and how therapy can help (see my article: The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire in a Committed Relationship).

Overcoming Sexual Problems Related to Your Erotic Blueprint

To recap briefly from the prior article: What gives you sexual pleasure and how you learned to love is derived from the impact of your relationship with your caregivers, including:

• How did you learn to experience pleasure (or not)?
• Did you learn to trust others?
• Did you parents monitor your emotional needs or were you expected to monitor theirs?
• Were you able to turn to your parents for protection or did you have to flee from them to protect yourself?
• Were you rejected?
• Were you humiliated?
• Were you abandoned?
• Were you held, rocked and soothed by your parents?
• Did you learn not to expect too much from your parents?
• Did you learn to hide when you were upset?
• Did you learn it's okay to thrive when others might be hurt by your thriving?
• How did you learn to feel about your body?
• How did you learn to feel about your sexuality?
• How did you learn to feel about your gender?
• What did you learn about opening up (or shutting down) emotionally?
• What did you learn about being daring or being afraid?

All of these experiences shape your beliefs about yourself and others.  They also affect what you expect from others, including what you expect in romantic relationships.  

Clinical Vignette: 

The following vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information eliminated:

Tom

Tom, who was in his early 40s, sought help in therapy because he had a long history of erectile dysfunction.  

As part of the history taking to determine the problem, his therapist asked him if he had problems with erectile dysfunction when he masturbated.  Tom responded that he never had problems while masturbating.  He said his problems occurred in all his sexual relationships with romantic partners.

At that point in time, Tom was in a six month relationship with his girlfriend, Marie, and his erectile dysfunction was an ongoing problem.  Although he knew that Marie was patient and compassionate, Tom wanted to resolve the problem before it led to the demise of this relationship.  

Prior to therapy, his medical doctor had already ruled out any physical problems, so his doctor suggested that Tom seek help in therapy for what appeared to be an  underlying psychological problem.

When Tom and his therapist discussed his early childhood history, Tom said he had a very close relationship with his mother, but his relationship with his father was distant because his father was away on business much of the time.  Even when his father was home, he was emotionally distant.  

As an only child, Tom was often home alone with his mother, who was very depressed.  He explained that he considered her to be a good mother.  But he was very aware, even as a young child, that his mother was unhappy, and he spent a lot of time trying to find ways to make her happy (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

As a child, he worked hard to get good grades in school to please his mother.  He also made cards and gifts for her during arts and crafts in elementary school to cheer her up.  But although his good grades and thoughtful gifts pleased her momentarily, his mother would often spend whole days in bed because she was too depressed to get up.  

Whenever his mother stayed in bed, Tom would try to entertain her with jokes and funny characters to cheer her up.  In response, she would compliment him for being a "good boy." But he sensed he had little impact when he tried to change her mood, and this made him sad and frustrated (see my article: Shame and Enmeshed Families).

As he got older and he developed friendships in the neighborhood, Tom felt torn whenever his friends came to get him to play baseball or go to the movies.  On the one hand, he wanted to have fun with his friends but, on the other hand, he felt his mother needed him.  

Although his mother encouraged him to go out, Tom sensed that her encouragement was only halfhearted and she really wanted him to stay with her because she was lonely.  

When Tom turned 40, his mother died suddenly from a heart attack.  Shortly after that, he realized he had foregone a lot of pleasure in his life in order to focus on his mother.  

In hindsight, he also realized that, over time, his mother's disapproval of all his girlfriends throughout his 20s and 30s contributed to the end of those relationships because he felt compelled to please his mother (see my article:  Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing).

He told his therapist that he began seeing Marie shortly after his mother died, but he couldn't help feeling that his mother probably would've disapproved of Marie as well.

His mother always wanted a traditional, quiet woman for Tom, but Marie was anything but traditional and quiet.  She was unconventional and outspoken, and she was assertive in promoting her business.

Although he loved Marie, he felt conflicted to be with someone he knew his mother wouldn't have approved of for him.  His divided loyalty between his girlfriend and his deceased mother made being present during sex difficult, which contributed to his erectile dysfunction.  

Intellectually, he had enough insight to know he needed to live his life without worrying about being loyal to his deceased mother, but on an emotional level, he felt torn--similar to how he felt as a child when he was in conflict about staying with his mother and going out with his friends.

His therapist suggested that they do Parts Work therapy so he could give voice to each of the parts of himself that were in conflict (see my article: Parts Work Therapy Helps to Empower You).

When his adult self imagined looking at his younger self (the same child self who wanted to please his mother), he felt a deep sense of sadness come over him.

 

For the first time in his life, Tom realized on an emotional level just how impossible it had been for him to be a child trying to please his mother.

As part of his healing process, Tom experienced grief and self compassion for the first time for the child he had been.  And, also for the first time, he felt anger and resentment towards his father, who was so emotionally absent even when he was at home.  

Looking back on that time, Tom realized on a deeper level than ever that his father was self absorbed to the point where he wasn't emotionally supportive of his wife or of Tom.  When his father was at home, he mostly spent time by himself in the den either reading or watching TV, and he seemed oblivious to his wife's and his son's emotional state (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

After doing Parts Work to distinguish the different conflicting parts of himself involved in his childhood attempts to emotionally rescue his mother, his therapist recommended EMDR therapy to work through his history of unresolved childhood trauma (see my article: EMDR Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Over time, Tom was able to see the parallels between how he sacrificed himself as child with his mother and the self sacrificing he was doing as an adult by not allowing himself to experience pleasure with Marie or any of his prior girlfriends (see my article: What is the Connection Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Problems Later on in Adult Relationships?).

Even though none of his girlfriends were depressed or needed to be emotionally rescued, Tom unconsciously responded to them in the same way as he did with his mother by not paying attention to his own needs.  He realized he was so focused on their pleasure that he didn't feel entitled to experience his own, which also contributed to his problem with erectile dysfunction.

This realization was like a revelation to Tom.  In addition, the Parts Work helped him to distinguish the different aspects of himself that felt conflicted so he felt less emotionally enmeshed with the memory of his mother.  

At that point in his healing process, he needed to learn to focus on his own sexual pleasure at the same time that he focused on Marie's pleasure (see my article: Sexual Wellness: Savoring Pleasure).

Since Tom had no problems with erectile dysfunction when he masturbated, his therapist suggested that he incorporate masturbation when he and Marie were having sex.

At first, Tom worried that he was being selfish and uncaring by doing this, but Marie encouraged him. 

Gradually, Tom became comfortable with feeling he was entitled to experience his own pleasure at the same time that he was being attentive to Marie's sexual needs.  

As he continued to get comfortable experiencing his own sexual pleasure with Marie, he no longer had problems with erectile dysfunction.

Conclusion

Your erotic blueprint includes your early personal history in terms of how you relate sexually as well as what gives you pleasure.

The vignette above is one example of many as to how patterns of relating from early childhood often continue into adult relationships.

When there are unresolved traumatic issues, as there were for Tom, a trauma therapist can help you to work through these issues (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

New ways of relating sexually also need to be found to break old patterns that are creating sexual problems, as in Tom's case.

Getting Help in Therapy

Shame often keeps people from seeking help in therapy, especially when it involves sex.  

Often people feel they're the only ones who are experiencing their problem.  They don't realize that many other people experience the same problem.  

If you have been unable to resolve your problems, you could benefit from working with an experienced mental health professional.

Rather than suffering on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.