Changing Your Sex Script - Part 4: Enhancing Sexual Motivation With Psychological Stimulation

My focus has been on exploring how to change your sex script, and I'm continuing with that topic in this article by discussing how to enhance sexual motivation with psychological stimulation (see my articles:  Changing Your Sex Script: Sexual Arousal - Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3: Enhancing Sexual Motivation).

Enhancing Sexual Motivation With Psychological Stimulation

Enhancing Psychological Stimulation to Develop Sexual Motivation

According to Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT, who wrote So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex, too many couples only rely on physical sexual stimulation and they don't include psychological stimulation in their repertoire.  

Since the brain is often thought of as the biggest sex organ, it makes sense to incorporate psychological stimulation when you're trying to enhance sexual motivation.  

According to Dr. Kerner, there are two different types of psychological stimulation: 

• Side-By-Side Psychological Stimulation
• Face-to-Face Psychological Stimulation

     Side-By-Side Psychological Stimulation:

Let's start by describing side-by-side psychological stimulation, which involves using something that's created by someone else.  It can include, among other things, watching a sexy movie or porn together, reading erotica out loud to each other or listening to an erotic podcast together.  

     Face-to-Face Psychological Stimulation:

Face-to-face psychological stimulation involves the couple turning towards each other.  An example of this would be for a couple to share their sexual fantasies with one another (see my articles: Are You Too Ashamed to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Spouse? and Exploring Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner Without Guilt of Shame).

Before moving on, it's important to say that talking about a sexual fantasy is very different from actually acting upon it.  While the couple might want to act out the fantasy, for many couples just talking about it can be enough of a turn-on to stimulate sexual arousal.

A Fictional Scenario: Ann and Ted

In my last article, we looked at a fictional vignette about a couple called Ann and Ted, who began couples therapy because their sex life had dwindled down to almost nothing.

Their couples therapist talked to them about the "willingness window," a concept that is explained in my prior article as well as in Dr. Kerner's book.  

As part of their homework assignment to try the "willingness window," they agreed to designate two times during the week for least 30 minutes where they leave time for sexual arousal. 

Their couples therapist suggested that one time should involve physical/sensual arousal and the other time should focus on psychological arousal (either face-to-face or side-by-side).  She emphasized that if either of them didn't feel like having sex, there should be no pressure from the other.  Then, she asked them to discuss their experiences at their next couples therapy session.

When Ann and Ted returned for their next couples therapy session, they were eager to talk about their experiences.  Ann started by saying neither of them had ever discussed sexual fantasies (face-to-face psychological stimulation) with each other, so at first they both felt shy.  

But, according to Ann, after a few awkward attempts, Ted began by saying, rather hesitantly, that he had always secretly fantasied about them having a threesome with another woman.  Ann said he was quick to say that he didn't expect or even want them to actually have a real threesome--it was just a thought that turned him on.

Ann said she had never thought about this before, and she was surprised that it was a real turn-on for her too.  Their therapist pointed out that a sex survey revealed that fantasies about  threesomes was the most common sexual fantasy reported anonymously in sex research (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

Then, Ted told their couples therapist that when Ann shared her secret sexual fantasy of having Ted watch as another man had sex with her, Ted was immediately turned on.  However, both of them were quick to say, once again, they weren't interested in actually doing this.  Talking about the fantasy was enough for both of them.  This was another example of face-to-face psychological fantasy.

They also talked about watching porn together, which they had never done before.  Ann found a website for ethical porn that was made by women and where there was no underage sex and no one was coerced into having sex--it was all among consenting adults.

Ann found a film where the woman was dominant, which she had never considered before.  Also, as opposed to regular porn, there was a slow build up of sexual arousal, which turned her on.  

She said, afterwards, they locked their bedroom door (in order to ensure that their children wouldn't walk in on them, which had been an inhibitor for Ann in the past) and they had the kind of passionate sex they used to have before they had kids.  Then, they fell asleep cuddling in each other's arms.

In addition, they used their second willingness window for sensuous massage, which is an example of physical stimulation.  Ann bought her favorite scented almond oil, she lit candles and incense, and Ted gave her a slow, sensuous massage.  As they had agreed, he wasn't expecting sex, but they were both so turned on that they surprised themselves by having another night of passionate sex.

In their subsequent couples therapy sessions, Ann and Ted discussed other possible sources of physical and psychological stimulation.  They were both eager and ready to expand their repertoire as part of enhancing their sexual motivation.

Conclusion

Many couples get stuck in the same old sex script, so it's important to look at your usual sex script, which is a description of your sexual encounters with your partner from beginning to end.

Many couples never talk about their sex life with each other because they feel ashamed and they might not know how to talk about it.  

An experienced couples therapist can help couples to talk about their sexual experiences, including whether they respond spontaneously or more responsively, what their turn-ons and turn-offs are, including sexual fantasies, and how to enhance their sexual motivation.

As part of their homework between couples therapy sessions, a couples therapist might assign the couple to choose two times during the week when they are willing to use physical as well as psychological stimulation to enhance their sexual arousal and motivation.

As couples become more comfortable with these activities, they can be more creative in terms of how they engage in sexual stimulation and, over time, they can improve and expand their sex script.

Getting Help in Therapy

It's not unusual for couples to develop sexual problems, especially in long term relationships.  Stress, anxiety, shame and guilt can all contribute to sexual inhibitions.

Rather than struggling on your own, you can seek help from an experienced psychotherapist, who can help you to improve your sex life one step at a time.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Changing Your Sex Script: Part 3: Understanding Sexual Motivation

I have been focusing on sex scripts in relationships in my recent articles (see my articles: Changing Your Sex Script: Part 1 and Part 2).  In the current article, which is continuing with the beginning phase, I'll be discussing sexual motivation.

Understanding Sexual Motivation

The Most Common Reasons For Having Sex

There are a lot of reasons why people have sex.  According to Dr. Kerner, who wrote So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex, sex researchers David Buss and Cindy Meston identified the most common reasons:

• Experiencing sexual attraction
• Experiencing physical pleasure
• Expressing love
• Feeling sexually desired by the other person
• Wanting to escalate the depth of the relationship
• Wanting to have new sexual experiences
• Marking a special occasion to celebrate
• Encountering an opportunity to have sex

According to Dr. Kerner, Buss and Meston identified 237 reasons, so the list above only represents the most common reasons.

There are no value judgments for why people have sex as long as it's between consenting adults.  

Sometimes a partner doesn't start out wanting sex, but they know their partner wants it or they know it will make their partner feel powerful.  So, this is enough of a reason for them to initiate or respond to sexual overtures from their parter.

The "Willingness Window"

Couples give many reasons why they're not having sex, including feeling tired, not having enough time, feeling preoccupied with their children, stress, anxiety and a variety of other reasons.

According to Dr. Kerner, as part of the sex therapy, he sometimes assigns couples homework where they agree to schedule at least two "willingness windows" per week in which they engage in some kind of arousal-generating activity to see if responsive sexual desire emerges.

He suggests that one window focuses on an activity that is physical/sensual.  This could include a massage or kissing.  The other window focuses on psychological arousal, which could include reading erotica out loud to each other, role playing a sexy scene, watching ethical porn, etc.  

A Willingness Window: A Fictional Scenario

The following fictional vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information eliminated, illustrates the willingness window for a couple in couples therapy:

Ann and Ted

Ann and Ted, who were both in their late 40s, were married for 10 years.  When they started couples therapy, they told their therapist that even though they had passionate sex during the first two years of their marriage, after they had children, they rarely had sex.  Neither of them felt motivated to have sex most of the time. They both agreed that, on average, they were having sex, possibly once a month or less.

After their therapist explained spontaneous and responsive sexual desire, Ted indicated that, when he wasn't feeling exhausted from work and the kids, he experienced spontaneous desire.  He said he needed little in the way of foreplay to feel sexual.  

Ann, on the other hand, said she almost never thought about sex. She also said she never initiated sex anymore, and she sometimes agreed to have sex because she knew that Ted "needed it." But she said she usually didn't feel sexually aroused during those times.  She also preferred not to lock their bedroom door, in case one of the children needed them during the right, but then she was preoccupied with whether the children would come into their room while they were having sex.

Ted responded that he realized that Ann wasn't really sexually aroused when they were having sex and this was a turn-off for him.  He felt this was "pity sex."  He said he had suggested novel ideas to try to spice up their sex life, but Ann just seemed like she wanted to get it over with.  This left him feeling unattractive and undesirable.  It also made him less likely to initiate sex.

Their therapist also explained the concept of sexual accelerators and brakes. Based on Ann and Ted's descriptions of their sexual dynamics, she said that when Ann worried about the children coming into the room, this was a sexual brake for her.  Another example of a sexual brake or inhibitor was Ted's feeling that Ann was engaging in "pity sex" during the few times when they were sexual.  

She said she would need to get to know them better to find out about each of their sexual accelerators or their turn-ons.

After a few sessions where their therapist obtained information about each of their family histories and sex histories and ascertained that there was no trauma or intergenerational trauma, she suggested a homework assignment of two times per week where they practice the willingness window and then come back the following week and talk about it in their next session.  

The therapist emphasized that there was no pressure to have sex if both of them didn't feel like it at the time but, if they agreed to the assignment, they had to set aside two times, one to focus the physical/sensual and the other time to focus on psychological arousal.  

Both Ted and Ann agreed to try the homework assignment and talk about each of their experiences in their next couples therapy session.

Next Article:

I'll continue with the next part of this vignette in my next article and include a discussion about psychological and sensual arousal.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been unable to resolve problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

The first step, contacting a licensed psychotherapist, is often the hardest, but it can also be the start of living a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Changing Your Sex Script: Part 2: The Beginning Phase: Sexual Arousal

In Part 1 of this topic, I began a discussion about sex scripts and why they're important to your relationship.  In this and subsequent articles, I'll continue this discussion, which is based on my experience as a psychotherapist, who works with individuals and couples, as well as the book, So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex by Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT.

 Changing Your Sex Script: Sexual Arousal

How Do You and Your Partner Get Started When You Have Sex?

According to Dr. Kerner, who is a couples and sex therapist, a good place to start is with how you and you partner get started when you have sex.

Some questions to consider:

• When was the last time you and your partner had sex?
• Who initiated sex?
• How did one or both of you indicate an interest in having sex?
• When and where did it happen?
• What was the context?
• What were you doing before you had sex and how did you become sexual with each other?

Was It a "Hot Start", "Warm Start" or a "Cold Start"?

A hot start involves lots of sexual excitement and passion.  Both you and your partner are sexually aroused and want to have sex.

A warm start is when you and your partner are feeling good and comfortable but not necessarily sexual.  However, each of you is open to being sexual.  There's a willingness to have sex even though neither is feeling especially excited or passionate.  

A cold start is when you and your partner aren't feeling especially sexual to start, but you have sex anyway.

Your Sexual Desire Framework

As I mentioned in my prior article, one of the most common problems that couples have is a differences in sexual desire.  

It's not unusual for individuals in a relationship to have these differences.  What's important is that each of you understand how the other experiences sexual desire and under what circumstances in order to have more satisfying sex.

Some people experience spontaneous sexual arousal and some experience more responsive sexual arousal (see my article about spontaneous and responsive sexual arousal for a more detailed explanation).  

There's no preferred or better way to experience sexual arousal.  When there are differences between you and your partner, you can each learn to adjust (see my article: Overcoming Differences in Sexual Arousal: Spontaneous Arousal vs Responsive Arousal).  

Spontaneous sexual arousal is what is often portrayed in movies, TV programs and pornography.  Both people are portrayed as being highly aroused with little need for foreplay.  

Since spontaneous arousal is what is often portrayed, most people assume that spontaneous arousal is common and "normal."  However, many people experience responsive sexual arousal.  Their desire is more deliberative.  It doesn't start instantly.  

Getting into the mood to have sex happens gradually for people with responsive arousal.  They  need more sexual cues to get aroused.  They might need more space and time. It's also more likely they need to make a conscious decision to allow sexual cues from their partner to get them aroused.  

People who have responsive arousal are often labeled as "not sexual" or "asexual," but this is often not the case.  Their desire framework isn't abnormal.  It's just as "normal" as someone with spontaneous desire--it's just different.

Knowing this can be a huge relief to many couples who think their sex life is doomed when each of them experiences sexual arousal in a different way.

It's often assumed that men experience spontaneous sexual arousal and women experience responsive arousal, but this isn't necessarily true.  There are plenty of women who experience spontaneous desire and some men who are more responsive.

Sexual Turn-Ons and Turn-Offs

According to Dr. Kerner, in a responsive desire framework, sexual arousal precedes desire.  Context is very important.  

For instance, anxiety and stress make it harder to become sexually aroused.  The environment needs to have more turn-ons than turn-offs for people with responsive desire (see my articles: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes - Part 1 and Part 2).

When each person understands the other's sexual desire framework and their turn-ons and turn-offs, they can learn to adjust to one another.  

In order to know your partner's experience, you need to be able to talk about sex, which is often challenging for people who might need the help of a couples therapist to overcome their inhibitions (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

What is Spectatoring During Sex?

Masters and Johnson developed a term called "spectatoring" to describe the experience of watching yourself self consciously while having sex instead of being present in the experience.

Instead of being present with your partner, when you're spectatoring, you are both a participant and a spectator in the experience.   

Spectatoring often occurs when there is performance anxiety, which is a sexual inhibitor and often gets in the way of becoming fully sexual aroused.  

My Next Article

In my next article, I'll discuss sexual motivation.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're having problems in your sex life, whether it's as an individual or as part of a couple, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Rather than suffering on your own, an experienced psychotherapist, who works on relationship and sexual issues, can help you to overcome your problems so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Changing Your Sex Script: Part 1: The Beginning Phase: Sexual Arousal

In my prior article, Understanding Your Sex Script I began a discussion about sex scripts based on Dr. Ian Kerner's book, So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex.   

Changing Your Sex Script: The Beginning Phase

            

As I mentioned, a sex script is a detailed description of a sexual encounter that reveals what happened, what didn't happen, what was pleasurable for each individual and what wasn't.  

Sex scripts are analyzed in terms of their beginning, middle and end phases (see my prior article for details).  The focus of this article will be on problems in the beginning phase of the sex script where couples often struggle.

Stop Approaching Sex as a Performance-Based Activity: Pleasure is the Measure

Many couples approach sex as a goal-oriented or performance-based activity with the goal being orgasm.  

Obviously, orgasms are pleasurable and have many health benefits, including:

• Good Heart Health: Orgasms lower cortisol, which is a stress hormone.

• Improved Sleep: When stress is reduced, sleep often improves.  

• Improved Immune System: A study of college students showed that having an orgasm once or twice a week increased immunoglobulin levels 30 percent higher as opposed to those in the study who weren't having sex.

• Increased Emotional Intimacy: Orgasms release oxytocin, also known as the "cuddle hormone," which deepens the emotional bond between you and your lover.

• Improved Pelvic Floor Health: The contraction and release of the muscles in the pelvic area tones the pelvic floor, which improves core strength as well as bladder control. It also helps to intensify orgasms.

• Post Sex Glow: During an orgasm blood flows throughout the body.  When blood vessels dilate, it produces increased oxygen.  Increased oxygen stimulates collagen, which improves overall skin health and helps to prevent wrinkles.

• Increased Happiness: Last but not least, in addition to the oxytocin, orgasms feel good and they provide a sense of well-being.

    Pressure to Perform Sexually

Notwithstanding all the benefits of having orgasms, when a couple places too much emphasis on orgasms, it often places too much pressure on each individual.  

Then, rather than sex being enjoyable, it becomes a chore.  And when one or both people don't have an orgasm, it can be a source of humiliation and shame if sex is approached as a performance-based activity.

As I've mentioned in my prior articles, instead of orgasms being the goal of having sex, a better approach is to focus on the pleasure of having sex with someone you care about. 

As sex educator, Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. emphasizes in her book, Come As You Are, "Pleasure is the measure"--not orgasm.

The Beginning Phase of Your Sex Script

Problems often develop for couples right at the beginning phase.

For instance, it's not unusual for two individuals to have very different experiences with regard to sexual arousal.  

One person might experience spontaneous arousal where s/he might be ready to have sex just by thinking about it, whereas the other person might experience responsive arousal and might need more a build up to get sexually aroused (see my article: Spontaneous vs Responsive Sexual Arousal). 

Despite what is often portrayed in pornography, movies and TV programs where both people are ready to have sex at the drop of a hat, these differences in sexual arousal are very common and can lead to misunderstandings in a relationship.  This is especially true if the person who experiences responsive sexual arousal feels pressured and the person who experiences spontaneous arousal feels disappointed and rejected.  

It's important for both individuals to be able to recognize their own sexual arousal pattern and be able to talk about it with their partner because when they can talk about it, they can adjust their dynamic so that sex is pleasurable for both of them.  

So, for instance, the person who experiences spontaneous arousal can recognize that context is very important to the person who experiences responsive desire and s/he can slow down to meet his or her partner where they're at during this beginning phase of their sexual script.

It's also important for each individual to understand his/her partner's "turn ons" and "turn offs" (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).  

As Dr. Nagoski says in Come As You Are, "The process of becoming aroused is turning on and ons and turning off the offs." 

But how can you do that unless both of you know what your turn ons and turn offs are?  

If you just assume that your partner wants what you want, you could be seriously mistaken.  And if you don't tell your partner what turns you on and turns you off, your partner might not know.  So, this lack of communication can ruin the beginning phase of any sexual encounter.

Often this lack of communication occurs because each person feels too ashamed to talk about sex (see my article:  How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

When a couple has difficulty talking about sex, which can lead to disappointment and frustration, they often avoid having sex because sex has become a source of shame and tension between them.  Even though each of them might want to have sex, they don't know where to begin to have this discussion.  This is often compounded by familial, religious, cultural and other issues.

Without help, a couple can go months, years and even decades without having sex, which can create emotional alienation in the relationship.

See my articles:

Part 2: Changing Your Sex Script: 

Part 3: Understanding Sexual Motivation

Part 4: Enhancing Sexual Motivation

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're feeling stuck and unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to work through your problems.

The first step, contacting a psychotherapist, is often the hardest, but it's often the frost step to leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing therapist and Sex Therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: Understanding Your Sex Script

In his latest book, So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex, Dr. Ian Kerner, sex and couples therapist and New York Times bestselling author, introduces the idea of sex scripts in relationships, provides clinical examples from his psychotherapy practice and useful homework assignments at the end of each chapter that couples can use to improve their sex lives (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self - Part 1 and Part 2, and The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

Relationships: Understanding Your Sex Script

For couples who are having problems in their sex life, Dr. Kerner takes a look at his clients' most recent sexual encounter, assesses the entire sequence of events and helps the couples to tap into their eroticism to have more sexually pleasurable experiences.

What is a Sex Script?

According to Dr. Kerner, a sex script is a unique and detailed description of a sexual encounter that reveals the sexual interaction between the couple--what happened, what didn't happen, what was pleasurable for each individual and what wasn't.  He looks at the beginning, middle and end of the couple's sexual interaction.

Prompted by his questions, his clients reveal:

• How did they decide to have sex on that day?
• Who initiated?
• When and where did it occur?
• How did they generate sexual arousal physically and psychologically?
• How did they intensify their sexual arousal?
• What did they do specifically?
• What didn't they do that one or both partners might have wanted to do?
• What was off limits and why?
• Who had orgasms and who didn't?
• What was the emotional and psychological impact of that sexual experience for each of them?
• Did it leave each of them motivated to have more sex?
• Did things get stalled?
• Did their sexual interaction work for each of them? Why or why not?

Although it might be awkward at first, couples learn to get comfortable to talk about the details of their sex life with their therapist and with each other as a way to have more pleasurable and emotionally connected experiences with each other.

Dr. Kerner explains that, on the surface, the details of the couples' last sexual encounter reveal their sexual behavior, but below the surface the sex script reveals the "emotional underground" for each individual.  He indicates that sometimes the sex script reveals the emotional connection between a couple and sometimes it reveals a disconnection between them.

What is a Sexual Desire Framework?

In addition to the questions above, Dr. Kerner indicates that he's listening for each individual's "desire framework," which he describes as how each individual experiences and expresses their own sexual interest.  He also looks at how each of them might overlap with each other or if there is a difference in how they experience sexual desire.

As I've discussed in a previous article, a desire framework includes whether each individual experiences spontaneous or responsive sexual arousal and if there are discrepancies between them (see my article:  Overcoming Problems in Relationships With Spontaneous Sexual Arousal vs Context-Dependent Arousal).  

It also involves the particular "accelerators" and "brakes" for each person (see my article:  Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

A Clinical Vignette

In one clinical vignette, Dr. Kerner discusses a husband and wife, Eva and Andy:  Eva initiates sex by telling Andy that she feels "horny" and by quickly pushing her husband's head down on her for oral sex.  This couple initiates without any eroticism--no seduction, no kissing, no foreplay, no caressing or tenderness to each other.  

After Eva has an orgasm, she says to Andy, "Enough" so he stops oral sex.  Then, she tells him, with little enthusiasm, that if he wants to, he could penetrate her.  But by that time Andy had lost his erection and his interest in being sexual.  Then, they each lie in bed feeling emotionally and sexually disconnected from each other, and neither of them is happy with their sex life.

As Eva and Andy discuss how they feel, Andy reveals he feels controlled and emasculated by Eva in bed, and Eva believes Andy doesn't care about her. 

When Dr. Kerner analyzes their sex script, he says it lacks any eroticism or foreplay.  There is no "warm up," either physiologically or psychologically, to generate sexual arousal, which makes the sex unsatisfying to both Andy and Eva.

Over time, Dr. Kerner helps Eva and Andy to each see how their individual histories connect to how they relate to each other sexually.  

For instance, Eva felt emotionally neglected by her father.  Andy is aware of Eva's history with her father, but he hears it in a new way in their session with Dr. Kerner, and he feels compassionate towards her.  He now understands how she was traumatized, the emotional impact her childhood experiences had on Eva and how it relates to their relationship.

Over time, by working with their therapist and doing homework assignments between sessions, the couple understands each other better. They're able to try new sex scripts where they take their time to include both physical and psychological elements of sexual arousal.  Gradually, their emotional and sex life improve so they're happier together.  

It's not unusual for unresolved traumatic family of origin issues to affect relationships, as it did in the vignette about Eva and Andy.

I'll continue this discussion in future articles, including:

Changing Your Sex Script - Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling on your own with unresolved issues, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist.

Working through unresolved issues allows you to free yourself from your history so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies

In his book, So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex, Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT, who is a relationship expert and sex therapist, discusses, among other things, the power of sexual fantasies and the seven core sexual fantasies (see my articles: Are You Too Ashamed to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Spouse?,  Sexual Pleasure and Developing Your Erotic Self - Part 1 and Part 2).

The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies

Dr. Kerner emphasizes that whether it's a couple trying to rekindle sexual passion in their love life or an individual who wants to experience solo sexual pleasure, it's important to focus on both physical and psychological eroticism.  

According to Dr. Kerner, many people only focus on physical eroticism.  He says that psychological eroticism, using the erotic imagination, is also an important component of enhancing sexual arousal.  This is one of the reasons why sexual fantasies are so important.

So many people in relationships, including long term relationships, feel too ashamed to talk about their sexual fantasies with their partner or with their therapist. 

They fear being ridiculed or shamed or they feel guilty about even having fantasies because of their childhood experiences in their family of origin.  So, it's important for therapists to normalize sexual fantasies and tell clients that almost everyone has them.

Suffice it to say that there is a big difference between fantasizing and acting on fantasies in real life.  Many people who have sexual fantasies never intend to act them out in real life.  These fantasies are a way of spicing up their sex life--whether they're single or in a relationship.  

Other people, who are more sexually adventurous, are either acting upon their fantasies or contemplating acting on them. 

The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies

Dr. Kerner outlines seven core sexual fantasies in his book:

• Multi-partner sex (three-somes, group sex, orgies, and so on)
• Power, control (BDSM: bondage, discipline/domination, submission/sadism, masochism)
• Novelty, adventure, and variety (new sexual positions or behavior)
• Taboo an forbidden sex (voyeurism, exhibitionism)
• Partner sharing and non-monogamous relationships
• Passion and romance (feeling intensely desired, a passionate love)
• Erotic flexibility (exploring sexual fluidity)

The fantasies that are listed above are by no means an exhaustive list of fantasies.  They are just the seven core fantasies that many people have.  Within each category there is a tremendous range.

What If You're Not Sure What Type of Sexual Fantasies You're Interested In?

People will often say that they're unaware of having sexual fantasies.  Sometimes, with some prompting, they realize that they do actually have sexual fantasies, but they haven't paid much attention to these passing thoughts.  

If you're not sure of what type of sexual fantasies you might like, it helps to look into various fantasies to see what might be sexually arousing to you.

The following list are some ideas that people often find helpful in terms of discovering your sexual fantasies:

• Reading or listening to erotic literature 
• Listening to erotic podcasts
• Talking to your partner, if you're in a relationship, to find out what turns him or her on
• Watching ethical porn (made legally, respecting the rights of the performers and in good working conditions)

Be Gentle and Compassionate With Yourself

Unfortunately, so many people are harsh and judgmental with themselves when it comes to sexual fantasies.  Often this is a result of old, outdated messages they were given as children in their family of origin, their religion, culture and so on.  

There might be a part of you that feels ashamed for even having sexual thoughts.  Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS) or Parts Work can be helpful in identifying these parts of yourself so that they don't become an obstacle for you (see my article:  How Parts Work Therapy Can Help to Empower You).

Getting Help in Therapy

Even if you know logically that having sexual fantasies is common and normal, on an emotional level you might still feel guilty about it, especially if you have unresolved sexual trauma.  

If you're struggling with unresolved issues that you have been unable to overcome on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in helping clients overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Overcoming unresolved issues helps to free you from a traumatic history so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT,  Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Developing a Secure Attachment Style: What is Earned Secure Attachment?

In a prior article, Relationships: What is Your Attachment Style?, I discussed attachment styles and how these styles affect relationships.  I also mentioned that if you have an insecure attachment, either anxious or avoidant, it's possible to change and develop an earned secure attachment style (ESA), which is the focus of this article.

What is Earned Secure Attachment?

What is Earned Attachment Style (ESA)?

As I mentioned in my prior article, people who have an insecure attachment style experienced insecure parenting when they were growing up.  Often this is intergenerational with one generation after another experiencing insecure parenting for various reasons.

In the past, it was thought that if you developed an insecure attachment style that you couldn't change, but we now know that the human capacity to grow and change enables people to develop an earned secure attachment style.  

How Can You Develop an ESA?

There are two main ways that you can develop an ESA:

• Attending Psychotherapy: People who develop an insecure attachment style can develop an ESA by attending psychotherapy to work on unresolved childhood attachment issues to learn to develop a safe and trusting relationship with their therapist.  These individuals learn to make sense of their childhood history and work through their unresolved childhood trauma.  

• Developing Trusting Relationships: Experiencing a loving and trusting relationship in a friendship or with a romantic partner is another way to develop ESA.  Loving and trusting relationships provides people with an insecure attachment style with new experiences within the security of these relationships.

Making Sense of Your Early Attachment Style

One of the hallmarks of ESA is the ability to tell a coherent narrative about your early history without defensiveness. This might sound strange--unless you have heard someone with insecure attachment talk about their childhood attachment history.  

For instance, someone with an insecure attachment style often gives a disjointed narrative about their childhood experiences.  These individuals need extensive prompting to get a full narrative or there are big gaps in the narrative because their memories of childhood are fuzzy or whole parts are missing.  

Sometimes people with an insecure attachment style, who have problems recalling childhood memories or have big gaps in their recall, will start to talk about their childhood and then defensively deflect the conversation to talk about something else that is unrelated ("I had an okay childhood, but last night I watched a horror movie").

Another more subtle example which is common with people who have insecure attachment would be, "I was often alone and afraid a lot as a child, BUT I grew up to be a stronger person."  In this example the person is defensively downplaying his or her childhood history because it remains unresolved and there is often shame about it.

Compare the above statement from a person with insecure attachment to this statement from a person with ESA, "I was often alone and afraid a lot as a child AND I know that part of that was due to the struggles my family was going through at the time."  

This statement by someone with ESA shows an ability to reflect upon their childhood history without being defensive or deflecting from the topic.

From Insecure Attachment to Earned Secure Attachment

When you move from insecure attachment to ESA, you develop a balanced and mindful approach to your childhood history without being defensive about it.

This change doesn't happen overnight because early childhood experiences have a profound effect on how you feel about yourself and others.  You might not trust others at first, including your therapist, but over time you can learn to feel confident in yourself and trusting of others who are worthy of your trust.

What Are the Signs of ESA?

• An overall positive view of yourself and others
• A belief that you are a worthy individual
• An ease and comfort with being close to others 
• A positive regard for people who have demonstrated themselves to be trustworthy and dependable in your life
• An ability to depend on others and have others depend on you in a healthy way
• An ability and comfort with being alone sometimes without the need to always have someone around
• A comfort with others in your life who might need their own alone time
• An ability to balance emotional intimacy and independence
• An ability to tell a coherent narrative about your early attachment experiences (see above, Making Sense of Your Early Attachment Style)

Getting Help in Therapy

Not everyone is lucky enough to form trusting friendships and romantic relationships that help them to go from insecure to earned secure attachment.  

Part of the problem is that, due to unresolved traumatic childhood experiences of abuse or emotional neglect, people often make poor choices with regard to their relationships or don't trust people who are actually trustworthy.

If you're struggling with an insecure (anxious or avoidant) attachment style, you could benefit from working with a psychotherapist who has the expertise to help you develop an ESA.

Rather than struggling on your own, you can seek help from a licensed mental health professional so that you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.