Undoing Aloneness: Staying Socially Connected Even Though We're Physically Disconnected

Health experts have stressed the importance of remaining physically distant from each other by at least 6 feet during the COVID-19 crisis, but this doesn't mean that we can't find ways to be socially connected in other ways.  In fact, due to our need for meaningful connections with others, our overall health and psychological well-being depend on us being able to form these connections with our loved ones.  As part of my effort to undoing aloneness with my clients, I'm doing online therapy sessions (see my article: Emotional Support During the COVID-19 Crisis).

Online Therapy Sessions: Undoing Aloneness During the COVID-19 Crisis 

Expriential Therapy vs. Traditional Psychotherapy

AEDP, which was developed by Diana Fosha, Ph.D., stands for Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy, emphasizes the importance of "undoing aloneness" as part of healing trauma.

As a trauma therapist, I know that psychological trauma isn't just about a traumatic event or series of events that occurred.

What often makes traumatic events harmful is that the individual who experienced the trauma often went through it alone (see my article: Experiential Therapy and the Mind-Body Connection). 

In AEDP, the experience of going through a traumatic event feeling emotionally alone is often referred to as "unbearable aloneness." This doesn't mean that there weren't other people around at the time.

There might have been family members or other loved ones around during traumatic events, but the person who experienced the trauma often felt alone, misunderstood, emotionally invalidated or "invisible" to others (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated)

So, as an experiential therapist who uses AEDP, EMDR therapy, clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing, I strive to be a supportive and an interactive presence with my clients so they feel that I'm resonating with them in their therapy sessions in a meaningful way (see my article: Experietial Therapy: Why Having Insight and an Understanding of Your Problems Isn't Enough).

The old tradtional way of working with clients where therapists were expected to be "abstinent and neutral" in their engagement with clients doesn't work.  This is especially true for clients who have experienced traumatic events.

Since they usually went through their traumatic experiences feeling alone, unheard and unseen, it's crucial that they don't experience a replication of these experiences in their therapy.

Experiential therapy tends to be a "bottom up" therapy vs. traditional talk therapy, which tends to be a "top down" therapy (see my article: Experiential Therapy: What's the Difference Between Top Down and Bottom Up Therapy?) 

Experiential therapists not only convey a positive regard for clients--they also try to resonate with clients and let the clients know that they're there for them in ways that clients have a "felt sense" of in their sessions.  In other words, clients, who have experiential therapists, usually feel their therapist's caring and positive feelings towards them.

For many clients, who experienced more traditional forms of therapy, this might be a new experience.  However, most of them find it a welcome experience where they no longer feel isolated in their emotional pain.

As I mentioned earlier, since in-person therapy sessions aren't possible during the COVID-19 crisis, I am now providing online therapy sessions on Zoom on a confidential platform.  Athough we cannot be in the same room together, we can still feel connected with each other online, and many clients have expressed that they're surprised at just how connected they feel in their online sessions.

What Can You Do to Achieve Physical Isolation and Social Connection?

Being physically distant from your loved ones can be very challenging, especially if you live alone.

I prefer the term "physical isolation" rather than "social isolation."  I find the term "social isolation" to be somewhat of a misnomer in terms of what's possible during this time.

Whether you connect via online services like Zoom, Skype, Facetime or other online platforms, being able to see and connect with your friends and loved ones can make all the difference in undoing your feelings of aloneness.

Some people are organizing book club meetings, comedy groups, improv groups, storytelling events or other social events online to create a feeling of community and a feelng of connectedness, which is so important now.

If you don't have access to online services, phone calls are the next best thing.  Last night I received a call from a relative that I haven't spoken with in a while.  As soon as I heard her voice, I felt myself transported back to our times together when we were children.  And, despite the current crisis, we were able to talk and laugh about some our memories together.

Just knowing that she was thinking about me and cared enough to call really made me feel loved and cared about in a special way, especially since we share a family history that goes back to when we were children.  This is a special relationship, and I was glad to hear that she and the rest of the family there are all doing well.

I've also maintained contact by phone and online services with friends and colleagues and this has made a difference in undoing the aloneness of this time.

Getting Help in Therapy

During this crisis, as I mentioned, I'm providing online sessions through Zoom.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, rather than trying to get through it by yourself, you can contact a licensed psychotherapist who is providing online services.

Your overall health and psychological well-being can be negatively affected during this time, so reach out for help from a licensed mental health practitioner sooner rather than later.  You'll be glad that you did.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: 

I work with individual adults and couples (EFT couple therapy).

I'm currently providing online sessions during the current COVID-19 crisis.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Grieving Losses and Healing During a Crisis

Much has been written about coping, staying calm, lifting one's spirits, performing acts of kindness, and getting emotional support during the current crisis, including articles that I've written for this blog (see my articles: Coping and Staying Calm During the COVID-19 Crisis, Coping With Loneliness and Isolation, Resilience: Accepting Your Negative Emotions During a Crisis, The Powerful Impact of Kindness and The Importance of Getting Emotional Support During Difficult Times).  However, when you're ready, there's also a need to grieve the losses involved with the current pandemic in order to heal.

Grieving Losses and Healing During a Crisis

There is no one way, right way, or right time to grieve.  Each person's grieving process is different, so don't judge yourself or anyone else if you're not ready to grieve yet.  It's still early days in the current crisis.

Many people need to focus on lifting their spirits at this point in time because if they allow themselves to grieve, it's too overwhelming for them.  So, you need to know yourself and your particular needs at any given and act accordingly.

Grieving the Losses Related to the Current Crisis
People normally think of grieving as feeling a deep sorrow for the death of a loved one, including pets.  But, aside from death, we can also feel grief for other losses.

Grief For Losses
The following is a list of losses that many people experience at one time or another, which are unrelated to the death of a loved one:

• Loss of one's usual sense of self
• Loss of a sense of security
• Loss of social contact due to physical isolation
• Loss of a job 
• Breakup of a relationship
• Loss of a friendship
• Rupture or problems in a relationship with a loved one that threaten the relationship
• Empty nest syndrome (see my article: Coping With the Empty Nest Syndrome)
• Loss of income
• Change in a daily or weekly routine 
• End of college and loss of place and the relationships formed in college
• Termination process in therapy/end of therapy sessions
• Loss of freedom
• Loss of autonomy
• Health problem that changes your life
• Loss of a body part
• Loss of activities or events that bring pleasure (e.g., sports and other forms of entertainment)

And so on.

When you look at the items on the list, many of them might apply to your situation during this current health crisis.

A Loss of a Sense of Self
The loss of your sense of self often involves the way you see yourself. You might see yourself as having multiple identities (e.g., a mother, a sister, an executive, etc) and some identities might be stronger for you than others.

For instance, if your sense of self is tied to your job and you can no longer work, this is a loss of a sense of self.  Or, if you identify yourself as someone who is always "productive," but now you have little or nothing to do that brings you satisfaction, this is also a loss of your sense of self (more about this in a future article).

A Loss of a Sense of Security
The loss of a sense of security is similar to how many people in the US, especially New York City, felt after 9/11 terrorist attack on the World Trade Center.  Due to the unprecedented nature of the current crisis, most people wouldn't have expected this type of crisis, which threatens our health and sense of security.

A Loss of Income
Many people are having either a temporary or permanent loss in income if their place of business is closed.  Many people's daily or weekly routines have been upended, and activities or events that would normally bring pleasure, like live sports events, movies or concerts, are no longer available to them.

Loss of Social Contact Due to Physical Isolation
People who stay home and cannot see loved ones or colleagues are experiencing a social loss.  These are relationships that people often depend on for pleasure and support.  Adult children are also worried about their older parents or grandparents whom they cannot see in person.  This can result in loneliness for everyone involved.

Loss of Freedom
Other people organize their schedule around going to the gym, which brings enjoyment and stress management as well as social relationships with other staff or gym members.  In addition, in most states, people are being told to stay inside, except to go to the food store, pharmacy or bank, so there has been, of necessity, a loss of freedom.

The Damage Related to Ignoring Emotions Related to Your Losses
Eventually, these losses need to be acknowledged and grieved in order for people to move on and heal.  When losses aren't grieved, the losses can develop into complicated losses or lingering losses that are ignored on a conscious level but continue to affect people on an unconscious level.

If you ignore your emotions related to your losses indefinitely, you might experience your losses on a physical level.

You might get headaches, backaches, insomnia, and so on because, even though you're able to keep the thoughts and feelings from bothering you on a conscous level, on an unconscious level, due to the connection between the mind and the body, your body might register these losses in a painful way.

You might not even make the connection between what you're experiencing physically and your unresolved grief.

The Five Stages of Grief
As you might already know, there are five stages of grief.  To discuss them as stages can be somewhat misleading because these stages don't usually occur as a linear process.  You don't necessarily go through the stages in a particular order and you'll probably revisit certain stages more than once or the stages might overlap.

The five stages of grief include:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance 

Current Losses Can Trigger Emotions About Prior Losses
It's not unusual for current losses to trigger emotions about earlier losses, especially if those losses haven't been worked through and remain unresolved.

Recognize that if you're having an unusually intense reaction to your current losses, you might be experiencing the stirring up and triggering of these other unresolved losses.

Most therapists who practice experiential therapy usually check for memories of earlier losses that might be feeding into your current emotions.

In clinical hypnosis, this type of checking back is called an Affect Bridge.

In EMDR therapy, much of which was derived from clinical hypnosis, the checking back is called a Float Back.

Future Articles About Grieving Losses to Heal During the Current Crisis
In future articles, I'll elaborate on the issues raised in this article and discuss how these stages might relate to the losses involved in the current health crisis and how to grieve for these losses when you're ready.

In the meantime, even if you're not ready to grieve, recognize that part of what you're feeling with regard to these losses is grief, and what you're feeling is a common response to loss.

Getting Help in Therapy
Grieving for your losses can be difficult to do on your own.

Rather than ignoring your grief, you can work with a licensed psychotherapist who has experience helping clients to work through these issues so you can heal in a shorter period of time.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP , Somatic Experiencing therapist and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples  (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome traumatic experiences.

During the current crisis, I'm providing phone and online video sessions.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Importance of Getting Emotional Support During a Crisis

We all need emotional support at some point in our lives.  This is especially true during a crisis when fear and anxiety can be overwhelming. So, it's important to seek emotional support to help you get through a crisis (see my articles: Coping and Staying Calm During the COVID-19 Crisis, Coping with Loneliness and Isolation, The Powerful Impact of Kindness and Self Compassion: Loving Yourself--Even in the Places Where You Feel Broken).

The Importance of Getting Emotional Support During a Crisis

Feelings of Shame and Embarrassment Can Create an Obstacle to Asking for Emotional Support
Too often people think that they're "supposed to" manage their own fear and anxiety on their own, and they feel ashamed to ask for help (see my article: Fear and Shame Can Be an Obstacle to Asking For Help and Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help).

This is especially true for individuals who lived through traumatic chilhood events where they had no emotional support.  Miraculously, most of them learned as children how to fend for themselves as best as they could--but at a serious cost to their psychological well-being.

In many cases, not only were these individuals unable to get the nurturance that they needed, but they were often involved in a role reversal where they were expected to be the emotional support for their parents (see my articles: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

Being able to overcome your shame and discomfort of asking for emotional support can be challenging.  People who are afraid to ask for support anticipate being criticized and rejected for their emotional needs because they were often shamed by the adults in their life for needing love and support when they were younger. (see my article: Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Help).

These children often grow up to be adults who feel that they're a burden if they ask for help.  So, they try to go it alone, which only exacerbates their fear, anxiety and loneliness (see my article: Adults Who Experienced Trauma in Childhood: Living in the Present As If It Was the Past).

We Are Hardwired For Attachment and Emotional Connection 
The truth is that we are all hardwired for attachment and emotional connection from birth.  It is one of the most basic needs mammals have.

In fact, infants who are only fed and changed without nurturing and touch either don't survive or, even if they survive physically, their brain development is compromised. They need nurturing and mirroring from their primary caregiver for brain development, especially the right side of the brain, which develops first and is primarily where emotional development occurs (see my article: How Early Attachment Bonds Affect Adults Later On).

So, in addition to understanding that feeling loved and cared about is a basic need to survive and thrive, we also know that this need doesn't end when you become an adult.  We continue to need nurturance and emotional support our whole life.

Psychotherapists Develop Their Own Emotional Support Groups
People who provide emotional support to others, like psychotherapists, also need their own emotional support system because we are the "containers" for other people's fear, anxiety and grief, so it's important for us to have emotional support.

I'm fortunate to be in a group of peer clinicians who have been meeting for about 16 years.

Originally, the purpose of the group was to share information, including methods and tools learned in conferences and workshops, about mind-body oriented psychotherapy, which is also known as experiential psychotherapy (see my articles: Experiential Therapy and the Mind-Body Connection).

Over time, as we got to know each other better, we also became a source of support for each other in doing clinical work with clients and in times of crisis.  And, eventually, in addition to being a peer support group, we became good friends.

Since the latest crisis developed, we are in regular contact with one another, even though some of the group members have moved out of New York City.  We have been meeting on online video platforms and talking over the phone about once or twice a week to sustain ourselves through this difficult time.  I can tell you that it has made a tremendous difference for me.

When I was in graduate school and even in my four year fellowship/postgraduate training, I don't remember any of my instructors talking about the importance of having a support system outside the clinical setting. That was more than 20 years ago, and I hope that graduate and postgraduate programs are now encouraging therapists-in-training to develop emotional support systems.

Of course, we had supervisors, advisors, mentors and our own required three-time-a week psychoanalysis as part of postgraduate training.  They were tremendously helpful, but I quickly realized back then that I would need a peer group as well, especially during the first couple of years of the fellowship.  That period of time was particularly stressful because most of us felt we were having a "fish bowl" experience in our training where we were being observed as therapist- in-training.

I was fortunate that there were three other clinicians who felt the same way, and we had a lot in common other than our training.  So, we would often meet for coffee or brunch for mutual support and also just to have fun.

Any therapist who tries to go it alone, especially a therapist in a solo practice, usually burns out pretty quickly doing this work.  So, I always recommend to new therapists in the field to develop a support network.

Resources For Emotional Support
I realized that not everyone is fortunate enough to have close friends or nurturing family members to call upon in a crisis, so I'm providing the following resources for anyone who might need them:

• National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
• Disaster Stress Hotline:  1-800-985-5990
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
• NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-NAMI (6264): Available Monday-Friday between 10 AM-6 PM EST

If you're feeling suicidal and you are in imminent danger of hurting yourself, call 911 immediately.

Getting Help in Therapy
You're not alone.  If you feel overwhelmed, you can seek help in individual therapy.

During this time when we are urged to stay home, many psychotherapists are doing phone and online video sessions.

Working with a licensed psychotherapist can make all the difference in getting through times of crisis and beyond.

Rather than trying to go it alone, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist who can help you develop the skills and tools that you need to stay calm and cope.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP , Somatic Experiencing therapist and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples  (see my articles: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy and What's the Difference Between "Top Down" and "Bottom Up" Approaches to Therapy?).

I works with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome traumatic experiences.

I am trained and experienced in trauma therapy.

During the current crisis, I'm providing phone and online video sessions.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Powerful Impact of Kindness During Difficult Times

I'll never forget that day.  I hadn't seen my friend, Mary*, in many years and I was feeling awkward and a little uneasy as I waited for her to come to the restaurant where we agreed to meet for lunch in the old neighborhood (see my article: Coping with Loneliness and Social Isolation)..

The Powerful Impact of Kindness

Throughout childhood and adolescence, we had been inseparable. People in our neighborhood would tease us by saying we were the "Bobsey Twins" because wherever you saw one of us, the other was either right there next to her or not far behind.

We often talked about wanting to move out of our neighborhood in Brooklyn, which felt like a small, claustrophobic town in many ways.  But when we graduated high school and I was ready to leave, like a few of my friends who said they would move away the day after graduation, Mary wasn't ready to move away and she remained behind with her family.

We maintained contact for a while, but our lives changed in ways we couldn't have anticipated.  I was busy with a full time job and part time college classes at night.  And Mary met the man who eventually became her husband and she focused on her relationship with him.  I had also made new friends in the women's residence where I was living in the West Village and I was spending more time with them.

Over time, Mary and I gradually lost touch. Whenever she ran into my mother in the old neighborhood, Mary asked about me and wanted to know what was going on in my life, and I was eager for whatever news my mother could provide to me about Mary.  But, for some reason, we didn't pick up the phone anymore to speak to each other directly.

Then, one day, when I was in my early 20s and visiting my mother in her kitchen, she told me that she had some bad news about Mary.  I braced myself for bad news about a health problem or news about problems in Mary's marriage.  But what my mother told me shocked me beyond belief--Mary was incarcerated for stealing money from her employer.

I remember feeling completely stunned, as if time had stopped and I was caught in a moment of suspended animation.  This didn't sound at all like the Mary that I knew. When I could finally speak, all I could stammer was, "Why? How? What happened?"

My mother told me what she knew, which wasn't a lot. She had run into Mary's Aunt Rose in the grocery store and she confided in my mother.  I knew Aunt Rose well, and I could imagine how upset she must have been.  As I was thinking about this, my mother handed me an address where Mary could receive mail, and she told me that Aunt Rose said Mary would like to hear from me.

I looked at that piece of paper with the address for several days feeling helpless and useless. I wasn't sure what I could say to Mary, after so much time had passed, that would make any difference to her.

I composed several drafts of letters and crumpled each one after a few sentences because my words felt so inadequate to the situation.

The letter that I finally sent to Mary was similar to the drafts I had crumpled up, and it felt woefully inadequate.  But I knew she wanted to hear from me, and I didn't want to disappoint her, so I sent it.

Time passed.  I heard nothing from Mary, and whenever I thought about the letter I sent to her, I felt embarrassed and awkward.  I wanted to say just the right words to let her know how sorry I was that we had lost touch and how I was thinking about her, but I felt like I had failed, especially since I didn't hear a word from her in so long.

Then, one day I got a call from Mary after she had been released from prison.  It was a brief call and she sounded just as awkward as I was feeling.  We agreed to meet for lunch at a restaurant in the old neighborhood that we used to go to when we were teens.

When Mary arrived, she looked thinner than I remembered her, but when she smiled that unmistakable crooked smile, I felt a little more at ease.  After a few minutes of small talk, she told me why she embezzled the money from her employer.

It started in a small way when she needed money, she explained, and then, because it was so easy, she started taking more and more money.  Little did she know that her employer was capturing her on video, and by the time they confronted her, they had all the evidence they needed to send her to prison. She couldn't afford an attorney, so she accepted the court-appointed attorney and he encouraged her to plead guilty, which led to her incarceration.

All the while that Mary was telling me her story, she was looking away.  Then, she turned to me and told me, "But I want to tell you what really made a difference while I was incarcerated--that letter you sent me.  You helped me to remember that I was much more than my current circumstances and you encouraged me to be hopeful.  And whenever I felt myself feeling hopeless, I reread your letter and I felt better.  I'm sorry I never wrote back but, after all these years, I wanted to let you know and to thank you because your letter kept me going."

As I listened to her words, I was stunned.  At that point, I barely remembered what I wrote, but here she was telling me that the letter I thought was so inadequate and insignificant had actually had a powerful impact on Mary that I never could've anticipated.

She went onto say that she still had the letter, and whenever she felt down, she reread it and it brought back memories of our childhood friendship, all we had meant to each other and a renewed sense of hope.

I wish I could say that Mary and I resumed a close friendship, but that didn't happen.  Although we had a long history together when we were young children and teens, we both had changed a lot and we had little in common anymore, other than our history.  But I was grateful that she told me about the impact that my letter had on her and that she continued to find it a source of hope and inspiration.

In my own life, friends' acts of kindness have meant so much to me.

I remember when my mother died several years ago, I was missing my friend, Alice*, who had moved out of state several months before.  At that point, we had been close friends for over 20 years, and I missed her terribly as I lived through my mother's final days in hospice.

On the morning of my mother's funeral Mass, Alice drove five hours to be with me.  When I saw her outside the church, I hugged her and felt enveloped in her love and friendship.  I had been dreading that day, but now with Alice sitting next to me in the church pew, I felt my grief, although heavy, was bearable.

To this day, whenever I think of my mother's passing, those memories are inextricably linked to being with Alice and feeling loved and supported by her.  I still miss my mother, but whenever I think of her passing, I also remember the warmth of Alice's arm around my shoulders and how she radiated love and compassion on that day.

I also remember that Alice knew my mother at a time when my mother was vibrant and robust, and we still talk about those times and reminsce.  We can still laugh at things my mother used to say and do, and it feels like a healing balm to be able to go back in time and remember those happier times.

The Powerful Impact of Kindness During Difficult Times
Like me, you might think that a small gesture of kindness feels so inadequate during difficult times.  But, like me, you probably would discover that what you thought was inadequate meant so much to someone going through a difficult time.  It can be the thing that gets them through.

It can feel corny and unsophisticated to talk about random acts of kindness, but I don't think it's corny at all to be able to reach out to someone in kindness. It's not about doing it perfectly or having the exact right words or even making a grand gesture.  It's more about your intention and how it touches the other person.

So during times when you feel yourself struggling about how or what to do or say, don't focus on feelings of awkwardness or inadequacy.  Instead, trust that most people will understand that you're trying to make a difference in their life--however small your act of kindness might be. In all likelihood, they will understand your intention and be touched by it.

I heard recently that suicidality is on the rise as people feel increasingly lonely and isolated.  So, it's more important than ever, in a world where people are often unkind to one another, to try to find ways to extend kindness to people you know and, maybe, even to people you don't know.

Random Acts of Kindness
Random acts of kindness can include:

• Expressing gratitude to a friend or loved one (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude to Your Spouse or Partner).
• Calling a friend or family member to check in on how they're doing during a difficult time.  Let them know you're thinking of them by reaching out.
• Telling your local grocery store clerk or stockperson how much you appreciate him or her being there during the COVID-19 health crisis.
• Asking an elderly, sick or disabled neighbor if you can pick up grocery for them.
• Sending a friend or loved one a funny cartoon or words of inspiration.
• Reminding a loved one that the crisis will eventually pass.
• Meditating or praying with a friend on a video chat or phone call.
• Making amends, where it's appropriate to do so, with a loved one.
• Checking in with a loved one who has a history of depression, anxiety or substance abuse to find out how they're doing.
• Helping a friend by reminding them that they have gone through other difficult times and they will get through the current stressful time.
• Helping a friend to find therapy when your friend might be feeling too overwhelmed to do it on his or her own.

We all need to overcome our feelings of awkwardness and embarassment during times of crisis to reach out to others.

Sometimes we're more focused on appearing intelligent and witty, but that's not necessary to have an impact on someone's life.  Even a kind word or expression of gratitude on someone's Facebook page can make a difference when that person realizes that they're in your thoughts.

Like me, you might not find out about the impact of your kindness until many years later or ever.  But opening your heart to someone, even with a small gesture, can make all the difference for that other person.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you or someone you know is feeling overwhelmed, getting help from a licensed psychotherapist can make all the difference.

We can all benefit from acts of kindness, but there are times when the clinical expertise of an experienced therapist is also what is needed and can make all the difference.

Psychotherapy can be a life changing process. It can make the difference between allowing despair to become overwhelming and unmanageable and feeling supported and resilient.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

During this time of social distancing, based on licensing laws, I can provide phone sessions and online sessions for adults in New York State.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


*Names and all identifying information have been changed to protect the identify of people mentioned in this article.

Resilience: Accepting Your Negative Emotions During a Crisis

During times of crisis, it's common for people to experience negative emotions (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Negative Emotions, Allowing Yoursel fto Feel Your Feelings So You Can Heal and Developing a More Resilient Self in Therapy).

Resilience: Accepting Your Negative Emotions Duirng a Crisis

These negative emotions include:

• Anxiety
• Fear
• Panic 
• Sadness
• Depression
• Grief
• Self doubt  
• Anger
• A sense of foreboding about the future
• Confusion
• And other negative emotions

Although it's not pleasant to experience these emotions, acknowledging and accepting these emotions is an important step to working through them and getting to the other side to develop a more resilient self (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies That No Longer Work For You: Avoidance).

When you resist feeling your negative emotions, these emotions intensify and become stronger.  They also have a way of surfacing in other ways that you might be unaware of, including:

• Headaches
• Muscle aches
• Back problems
• Gastrointestinal problems
• Insomnia
• Diabetes
• Obesity
• Heart problems
• Asthma
• Premature aging
• Other stress-related health problems

How to Cope With Negative Emotions

• Rather than trying to avoid feeling your negative emotions, acknowledge them.  
• Recognize that your emotions aren't facts and that they might be fleeting, especially if you don't try to ignore them.
• Recognize that everyone has negative emotions at some point.  Don't judge yourself for your emotions.  
• Rather than struggling against your negative emotions, accept your emotions as being an experience that you're having at the moment.
• Write down your emotions in a journal so that these emotions don't overwhelm you (see my article: Journal Writing Can Help to Relieve Stress and Anxiety).
• If you find you can't manage your negative emotions on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist who can help you to work through your feelings (see my article: Therapy Can Help You to Stop Avoiding Negative Emotions).

Resilience: Accepting Your Negative Emotions During an Emotional Crisis
The following vignette illustrates the benefit of accepting and acknowledging negative emotions:

Tom
After his wife, Carol, told him that she was unhappy in their marriage and she might want a divorce, Tom tried to persuade Carol to try to work through their issues.  He tried to reason with her that they had invested 10 years into their marriage and their divorce would be devastating for their two young children.

Although he knew they had been having problems, especially when he had to work long hours at his job and Carol felt unsupported at home, Tom assumed that he and Carol would eventually work things out.  But she expressed doubt about working out their issues.

Initially, he was shocked.  He felt like he was living through a nightmare and he would wake up at any moment from this bad dream.

After a week, he felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety and sadness.  So, he tried to distract himself by getting more involved in his work.  He spent even more time in his office than usual, which only annoyed Carol even more.

But late at night, he had problems falling asleep.  In the morning, he was exhausted and he developed digestive problems.  He also developed headaches that were so debilitating that he had to stay home from work, which left him a lot of time to think about his marital problems.

When Tom could no longer tolerate his health problems, he saw his medical doctor, who ruled out any physical problems.  He suggested that Tom seek help in therapy to deal with the stress and anxiety related to his problems with Carol.

At first, Tom told his medical doctor that he didn't want to "dwell" on his problems--he wanted to distract himself from them.

But his medical doctor, who was knowledgeable about the mind-body connection, told Tom that he was having all of these physical symptoms precisely because he was trying to avoid feeling them, and the only way for Tom to get a handle on his emotions was to work through them in therapy, "Your mind and your body are connected.  When you try to suppress feeling your emotions, they're going to come out in some other way--including getting you physically sick."

So, somewhat reluctantly, Tom sought help in therapy.  Even though it was painful to talk about his anxiety and sadness about his marriage, he realized that he also felt better after his therapy sessions.

Tom felt a positive connection with his therapist.  He also felt emotionally supported by her so that he no longer felt alone and that he had to carry these feelings by himself.  She suggested that he keep a journal to write down his feelings between therapy sessions, which he found helpful.

Shotly after he began therapy, Tom realized that he worked long hours on his job to avoid Carol and how inadequate he felt as a husband and a father. He also realized that he no longer wanted to distract himself with work.  He preferred to deal with his emotions as they came up and talk to his therapist about them in their sessions.

So, Tom stopped volunteering to do extra projects at work and spent more time at home.  Since he was home more, he spent more time with his children and helping Carol around the house, which she appreciated.  This resulted in their getting along better, and Tom realized that he could be a good husband and father.

Tom realized that Carol was no longer talking to him about the possibility of getting a divorce, so he asked her if she would like to go out for dinner at her favorite restaurant.  To his surprise, she accepted his invitation and they had a good time--something they had not experienced together in several years.

Soon after that, Carol suggested that she take the children to her mother's house for the weekend so she and Tom could spend quiet time together.  It was the first time in a long time that they were sexually intimate and enjoyed being together.

Throughout this period, Tom continued to go to his individual therapy sessions, and he was starting to feel hopeful again.  Whenever anxiety, sadness or self doubt surfaced for him, he followed his therapist's recommendation to acknowledge his feelings, accept them and to recognize that they were just feelings and "feelings aren't facts."

Tom also continued to write in his journal between therapy sessions and felt a sense of relief each time that he poured his feelings out in writing.

At his therapist's suggestion, he spoke to Carol about attending couples therapy to work through issues that still remained, including Carol's concern that Tom's workaholism would become a problem again.  To his surprise, Carol agreed to give it a try.

Tom's therapist recommended an Emotionally Focused Couples therapist to work through their issues, and within a few weeks, they were making progress (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

Although Tom regretted that he had wasted so much time trying to avoid his negative emotions, he was also relieved that he had learned to accept them.  He felt himself becoming more resilient to deal with his marital problems as well as other problems that came up in his family.

Attending Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT) gave Tom and Carol the necessary tools to work through their problems and, over time, it strengthened their relationship.

During his individual therapy sessions, Tom began to feel much more hopeful that his marriage with Carol would work out.

Resilience: Accepting Your Negative Emotions Duirng a Crisis

Tom's increased sense of hopefulness and resilience created an upward spiral for him as an individual as well as in his relationship with Carol.

Conclusion
Even though this article focused on relationship issues, the strategies recommended in this article can apply to any situation where you feel inundated by negative emotions and you're tempted to try to avoid them (see my article: Resilience: Bouncing Back From Life's Ups and Downs).

Getting Help in Therapy
We all need help sometimes.

If you're negative emotions are overwhelming you, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed therapist, who can help you to develop the necessary tools to deal with your emotions and become more resilient to cope with your problems.

Rather than suffering on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional in your area.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (EFT couples therapy).

During the current health crisis, phone sessions or online therapy sessions are available for clients in New York State.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping with Loneliness and Isolation During the COVID-19 Crisis

In the past, I have written about loneliness and social isolation (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

Coping with Loneliness and Isolation During the COVID-19 Crisis

During the COVID-19 crisis, one of the biggest challenges, along with staying physically health is social distancing and isolating in our homesd, which often creates loneliness.

As social beings, we need social engagement with other people, but it is very important that we limit our social contact based on the restrictions in our particular state (see my articles: Coping and Staying Calm During the COVID-19 Crisis).

The Negative Impact of Loneliness and Social Isolation
Loneliness and social isolation, even under normal circumstances, can have adverse health and mental health effects, including:

• Memory problems
• Learning problems
• Poor decision making
• Altered brain function
• Depression
• Increased stress
• Insomnia
• Weight gain due to sedentary behavior
• Cardiovascular disease and stroke
• Progression of dementia
• Alcoholism, drug problems, increased nicotine abuse, compulsive gambling, overeating and other related addictive and compulsive behavior (see my articles: )
• Antisocial behavior
• And other related issues

Even before the current health crisis, loneliness was already a health and mental health problem for people who are isolated, including the elderly and the disabled.  According to recent studies, loneliness has tripled since 1985.

So, given the negatiave effects of loneliness, we need to find other creative ways to stay in contact with loved ones if they're not present in our household.

Combating Loneliness
Even though social distancing during this time presents a unique challenge to feeling lonely and isolated, there are things you can do to mitigate the effects of loneliness (see my article: Solitude vs Loneliness), including:

• Video Chats: The next best thing to being with loved ones in person is video chat.  There are many free apps, like Zoom, Skype, What's App and other similar services where you can video chat with loved ones.  All of these services offer a free version of video chat.  Being able to see a loved ones face while you speak with them can be soothing and reassuring for both of you.  You can choose to set up a regular time when you can video chat with loved ones to check in and mitigate loneliness and isolation.
• Phone Calls: If video chat isn't available to you or if you don't like chatting online, simple phone calls to talk for a few minutes can really help you and your love to feel more connected.  Reaching out to a friend or family member that you haven't spoken to in a while can be reassuring to them and to you.
• Digital Support Groups: If you're connected to a community where the participants have a mutual interest, you can maintain contact with them online to feel supported and engaged through digital support groups.
• Expressions of Kindness and Concern: When you're on someone's social media site, whether it's Facebook or any other social media platform, it only takes a moment to reach out to that person with a kind remark, an expression of appreciation or an inquiry as to how that person is doing.  It feels good to do this and it also feels good for the person on the other hand who receives your kind expression. 

Getting Help in Therapy
Loneliness and social isolation can contribute to or exacerbate existing emotional problems, including depression and anxiety.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, many psychotherapists are conducting online sessions for clients, and you could benefit from getting professional help rather than allowing your emotional problems to get worse.

If you're feel suicidal, you should call 911 to get immediate help.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples (Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples).

Currently, I am doing therapy with phone sessions and Zoom online video sessions for clients in New York State.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping and Staying Calm During the COVID-19 Crisis

The worldwide pandemic of COVID-19 has been unprecendented in terms of the human health toll it has had as well as the emotional strain it has placed on nearly everyone.  Learning to cope and stay calm during this extraordinary time is essential.

Coping and Staying Calm During the COVID-19 Crisis

Aside from the reliable health tips that are being recommended by medical professionals, here are some helpful tips for coping and staying calm.

Tips For Coping and Staying Calm During the Current Crisis:

• Set Up a Routine for Yourself During this Health Emergency: As much as possible, try to set up a daily routine for yourself.  It's easy to fall into the habit of staying in bed all day in your pajamas watching the news or other TV programs.  Rather than falling into habits that will only make you feel more anxious, have a routine for waking up, doing indoor exercise that is appropriate for you, and accomplishing tasks that you need to complete.
• Take Breaks From Watching or Reading the News: While it's important to remain informed, you will only make yourself that much more anxious if you spend most of the day watching or reading about the news.  Take regular breaks. Get up, stretch, call a friend or engage in an unrelated calming activity.
• Connect With Others: It's easy to feel isolated and lonely when you're unable to see friends, family and other loved ones in person.  Make an effort to connect over the phone or online with loved ones.  Even connecting a few minutes for mutual support can make a big difference in how you feel.  Check in regularly with your loved ones.  Even those who are physically well can feel lonely (see my article: Solitude vs Feeling Lonely).

Connect With Friends, Family and Loved Ones

• Take Time to Unwind and De-Stress:  Whether you do a simple breathing exercise or close your eyes and remember a time and place where you felt relaxed, taking the time to unwind and manage your stress is important (see my article: Self Soothing Techniques to Use to Calm Yourself).
• Get Enough Sleep and Eat Nutriously: Getting 7-8 hours sleep, taking naps during the day as needed, and eating nutritious meals is important for maintaining good health.  To get a restful sleep, avoid watching or reading the news before you go to sleep.  Instead, develop a calming wind down routine at least a half hour before you plan to go to sleep.
• Keep Things in Perspective: Recognize that this crisis will inevitably come to an end at some point.  

Getting Help in Therapy
Many psychotherapists are doing phone and online sessions for clients during this time when they cannot see clients in person.

If you find your anxiety becoming unmanageable, you can seek help from a psychotherapist in your area--even if it's on a temporary basis to get you through this difficult time.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

Since the COVID-19 crisis, I have been providing telephone and online sessions for clients who live in New York State.

Some sliding scale or reduced fees are available for new clients based on availability at the time you contact me, your household income and whether you will receive a reimbursement from out of network insurance.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.