Early Recovery: Overcoming Feelings of Emptiness and Loss

In previous articles about early recovery, I addressed problems with making major major adjustments to life to maintain sobriety (see my articles: Early Recovery: Focusing on the People Part of "People, Places and Things," Overcoming the Temptation to Use "Liquid Courage" to Cope With Social Situations and Early Recovery: You've Stopped Drinking. Now What?.  In this article, I'm addressing another common issue that people in early recovery experience, which is overcoming the feelings of emptiness and loss after you give up your addiction.

Early Recovery: Overcoming Feelings of Emptiness and Loss 

Many people in early recovery will say that one of the hardest things they had to do in order to get sober was give up the one thing they felt they could rely on--their addiction of choice.

For anyone who is unfamiliar with addiction and early recovery, these feelings of emptiness and loss for an addiction might seem confusing.

But as a psychotherapist in private practice in New York City, who has worked with people at all stages of addiction, I know that this sense of loss and emptiness is common and understandable.

After all, if the addiction, whether it's to alcohol, drugs, compulsive gambling, compulsive sexual behavior or any other addictive behavior, didn't serve a need, the person with the addiction wouldn't persist in it.

For many people, who are contemplating giving up an addiction, one of the most daunting aspects of attaining sobriety is the thought they won't have what feels to them as a "friend" who has served a need--whatever that need might be.

The need could be a way to relax, socialize, to temporarily forget problems, to elevate a mood, to feel empowered, and so on.  And if the addiction of choice didn't "work" in some sense, even temporarily, it would have been given up long before it became an addiction.

For someone who is unfamiliar with addiction, it would be hard to imagine just how scary and how courageous it is when someone who has an addiction gives it up.  Many people, who are not educated about addiction, think that the person with the addiction "should just stop."

But aside from the fact that there might be a physical danger to "just stopping" for many addictions where a detox is necessary, the person contemplating giving up the addiction is also taking a leap of faith that they will be able to survive physically and emotionally with the addiction.

This is why there's a high rate of relapse for people struggling to stay sober, especially if they try to do it without sober support and, eventually, working through the underlying emotional problems that led to the addiction in the first place.

What Will Take the Place of the Addiction for the Person in Early Recovery to Fill the Emotional Void?
Without the addiction, the person in early recovery will usually become aware of an emotional void and the sense of loss.

Early Recovery: Overcoming the Feelings of Emptiness and Loss

Since isolation and loneliness is often a part of addiction, many people in early recovery find support in 12 Step meetings like Alcoholics Anonymous or Gamblers Anonymous.

They discover that there are people in these self help meetings in all different stages of recovery--from early recovery to many years in recovery.

They also discover that they have much in common with the people in these self help rooms, including a continuing struggle to avoid relapse and to maintain the values and principles they learned in those rooms.

I usually recommend that people in early recovery give 12 Step meetings a chance by going to several beginners meetings to see if they find a particular meeting where they feel comfortable and where they can also find a sponsor to help them work the 12 Steps.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to recovery, so I also understand that for some people in early recovery the 12 Step model doesn't resonate with them or they find the meetings too overwhelming after they've tried several meetings (see my article: The Early Stage of Recovery: What to Do If 12 Step Meetings Are Too Overwhelming For You?).

So, many people in early recovery prefer to go to structured treatment in either an inpatient or  outpatient substance abuse program, if they have health benefits that recovers this treatment, where they can also get group support from people with similar problems.

Other people seek out psychotherapists who have experience working with people in recovery, including early recovery.

For psychotherapy option to work well in early recovery, the psychotherapist needs not only to be familiar with addictions, she must also know how to assess the timing and what the client can tolerate in terms of working on the underlying issues.

It's essential that clients in early recovery have sufficient sober time, the coping skills and necessary internal resources to deal with the underlying emotional issues in therapy, so it's psychotherapists need to help clients to develop these internal resources before delving deeper (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Strategies).

All of these modalities--12 Step meetings, structured substance abuse programs, and psychotherapy--all have the potential to help clients to remain sober.

In addition, in many cases what's also needed is something deeper that will fill the void that's left from no longer engaging in the addiction.

Some people find meaning by discovering or rediscovering a sense of spirituality.

Spirituality doesn't necessarily mean religion, although it could (see my article: A Search For a Meaningful Life and Spirituality: Are You Contemplating Your Faith of Origin in a New Light?).

Spirituality can take on many different forms aside from formal religion.  For instance, many people feel a sense of spirituality when they volunteer to help others, including volunteering at 12 Step meetings or in schools or a local community program.  Others discover a sense of spirituality in nature and find a connection to nature a transcendent experience.

The important aspect of spirituality in whatever form it takes is that it is meaningful, fulfilling and transcendent.

I believe this applies to everyone--not just people in early recovery.  Whether you call it "spirituality" or something else, without a sense of meaning, purpose and transcendence, you're just living from day to day and it can feel empty.

Many people who don't struggling with addiction but who focus only on material things will often feel a sense of emptiness in midlife when money and possessions no longer serve elevate their moods.

Usually, midlife brings an awareness that money and material things, although necessary to a certain extent to meet basic needs and give some comfort, are never enough to fill up a sense of emptiness.

This is why many people in midlife, especially those who have more years behind them than ahead of them, recognize that they need to make changes (see my articles: Midlife Transitions: Part 1: Reassessing Your Life, Midlife Transitions - Part 2: Living the Life You Want to Live, Is That All There Is? When "Having It All" Leaves You Feeling Empty  and Redefining Happiness and Success For Yourself).

Conclusion
The early recovery stage presents certain challenges, including dealing with the sense of emptiness and loss that often occurs after giving up the addiction.

Early Recovery: Overcoming Feelings of Emptiness and Loss

Aside from the physical aspects of getting sober and maintain sobriety, people in early recovery need to find healthy and meaningful ways to fill the void.

Sober support from 12 Step meetings, substance abuse programs and psychotherapy offer various options for staying sober and, in the case of psychotherapy, working through the underlying emotional problems that led to the addiction in the first place.

Beyond these options, people in early recovery need to find a sense of meaning and purpose in their lives.  I refer to it as "spirituality," but it doesn't have to involve a formal religion or even a belief in a higher power.

Without a sense of meaning and transcendence, people in early recovery often struggle with the sense of loss and emptiness that usually follows after they become sober.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people choose to attend psychotherapy to address underlying emotional issues at the core of their addiction (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

As previously mentioned, it's important to find a psychotherapist who has an expertise in addiction and who can work with you in a way that feels emotionally manageable for you (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients in all stages of recovery to maintain their sobriety and work through the underlying emotional problems that were at the root of their addiction.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Psychotherapy Helps to Expand Your Emotional Awareness

Most people have some degree of awareness of their inner emotional experience, but some people just naturally have more awareness than others.  One of the benefits of attending psychotherapy is that psychotherapists can help clients to expand their inner emotional awareness (see my articles: Developing Emotional Intelligence and The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Psychotherapy Helps to Expand Your Emotional Awareness

How Do Psychotherapists Help Clients to Expand Their Inner Emotional Awareness?
In order to get along with people in your personal life and at work, you need to have an awareness of what you're experiencing in your internal emotional world and also a sense of what's going on with other people on an emotional level.  People who lack this awareness often have problems in their relationships and might not understand why.

Not only do they lack awareness of what they're experiencing emotionally, but they also don't pick up on social cues from others, so they don't understand what's going on emotionally with the people around them.  This is often what brings them into therapy.

Every psychotherapist works differently.  When clients come to see me in my private practice in New York City because they're having problems understanding their own and others' emotions, I find that it's often useful to help them to get emotionally attuned by using the mind-body connection.

Tapping Into the Internal Emotional World With the Mind-Body Connection
The body offers a window into the unconscious mind, which includes emotions (see my article: The Body Offers a Window Into Unconscious Mind).

Even clients are who fairly cut off from awareness of their bodies can learn over time how to recognize their emotions based on what they're sensing in their bodies.

For clients who are especially cut off, a psychotherapist who uses mind-body oriented techniques in therapy, like Somatic Experiencing or some other type of somatic psychotherapy, can help clients to get oriented to what they're experiencing in their bodies and what emotions are involved with their physical sensations.

Fictional Vignette: How Psychotherapy Helps to Expand Your Inner Emotional Awareness
Ted
Ted was having problems getting along with his girlfriend and his coworkers, which is why he began therapy.

Psychotherapy Helps You to Expand Your Emotional Awareness

His girlfriend, Jan, had been complaining to him for a while that, after the initial stage of their relationship which was passionate, he seemed emotionally detached.  She also complained that he seemed to have no awareness of how his emotional detachment affected her, even though she tried to explain it to him numerous times.

Ted dismissed her complaints by telling her that she was "making a big deal out of nothing."  But when his director told him that a few of Ted's colleagues complained that Ted was aloof and he wasn't  being a team player on a project, Ted worried that he might lose his job, so he decided to seek help in therapy.

When he talked to his new therapist about his family history, he described a lonely childhood as an only child where he spent most of his time by himself.  If anything bothered him, he knew not to go to either of his parents because they dismissed his complaints, so he kept his emotions to himself (see my articles: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect? and What is the Connection Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Problems Later in Adult Relationships?)

He was relieved to go to college to get away from his family, and he quickly fell in with a drinking crowd.  Although he had many drinking buddies, he had no close friends at college and none at home.

By the middle of his first year in college, Ted wasn't doing well, so he knew he had to cut back on his drinking to work on his grades.  It was during that time that he met Jan on campus, and they hit it off immediately.

Once he was out of college, he and Jan moved to New York City to live together and begin their new careers.

Although he resented Jan's complaints that he was emotionally detached, he recognized that  he wasn't as passionate about the relationship now that they were together for several years.  He felt guilty that she wasn't getting what she needed from him emotionally, and he wanted to change that.  He also wanted to show his director and his colleagues that he could be more approachable and a team player.

When his psychotherapist explored with Jan what internal emotions he was aware of, he said the only emotion that he had any awareness of was anger, and he frequently felt angry and didn't know why.  Anger was also the only emotion that his parents displayed when he was growing up.

Ted expressed some concern about delving into his emotions, so he and his psychotherapist agreed that they would work slowly so Ted would feel safe in therapy (see my article: Starting Where the Client is in Psychotherapy).

Since Ted knew when he was angry and he frequently felt this emotion, his therapist helped Ted to recognize where he felt his anger on a physical level.

Initially, this was difficult for Ted because he wasn't accustomed to connecting his emotions with his body sensations.  But, gradually, Ted was able to identify that when he was angry, he felt the anger in his forehead around his eyebrows; he felt a tightness in his jaw and tension in his shoulders, arms and hands.

A few sessions later, Ted and his therapist focused on the emotion of fear.  Ted had a recent memory of feeling fearful when his director called Ted into his office to tell Ted that coworkers complained.  He thought he was about to lose his job, but his director told him that his work was good and he needed to find a way to connect with his coworkers.

As he remembered this memory of being fearful, Ted sensed his fear as a tightness in his gut.  Even just remembering that memory when he thought he was going to lose his job made his stomach feel queasy in his therapy session.

A few sessions later, Ted and his therapist worked on helping him to connect the emotion of  sadness with sensations in his body. She asked Ted to remember a sad memory.

At first, Ted couldn't think of any sad memories, but then he remembered feeling sad when Jan told him recently that she didn't know if she could stay in their relationship if he remained so emotionally disconnected.

As he went back into that memory in his therapy, he felt a sense of sadness in the back of his eyes and in his chest.  He also felt a queasiness in his stomach that he could now associate with fear.

Between sessions, as his psychotherapist recommended, Ted kept a journal to write down whatever emotions he sensed and where he felt them in his body (see my article: The Benefits of Journal Writing Between Therapy Sessions).

His therapist also taught Ted how to de-escalate and ground himself emotionally and physically when he felt overwhelmed, especially since becoming aware of his emotions was new to him (see my articles: How to Stay Emotionally Grounded During Difficult Times and Self Soothing Techniques to Use When You're Feeling Distressed).

Although it was difficult for him at first, Ted also practiced being friendlier with his colleagues.  He invited them over his apartment to watch sports on his big screen TV and made sure they had plenty to eat and drink.  Jan, who knew that Ted was trying to improve his relationships with his colleagues, went out with her friends to allow Ted and his colleagues time to themselves.  Soon after that, Ted and his colleagues were bonding and getting along better at work.

Allowing himself to be more emotionally vulnerable with Jan was more difficult compared to bonding with his colleagues over sports.  Jan knew that he was trying, so she was understanding and encouraging.

Ted's difficulty with allowing himself to be more emotionally vulnerable with Jan was related to his earlier childhood experiences with his parents.  In his therapy sessions, he realized how hurt he was by his parents' emotional neglect and how he had unconsciously and how this affected him as an adult.

The relationship with Jan was easier at the beginning because they were both at the height of their sexual passion for each other.  But now that they were together for a while, they were at a different stage in their relationship and Jan wanted more emotional intimacy, which frightened Ted.

His therapist recommended that they work on his history of early emotional neglect with EMDR therapy (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy? and EMDR Therapy For Big T and Smaller T Trauma).

At the same time, she encouraged Ted to express his affection for Jan in ways that felt the least threatening to him.

Initially, Ted began by buying Jan flowers and giving her other small gifts.  Jan was touched by these gifts, especially since she knew that Ted was struggling to express his love for her.  She told him how thoughtful and kind it was of him to give her these gifts.

Psychotherapy Helps to Expand Your Emotional Awareness

Getting Jan's positive feedback encouraged Ted to tell Jan that he really loved her.  Although he stumbled over his words, when she gave him a big hug and kiss, he was making progress and he felt good about himself.

In the meantime, Ted and his psychotherapist continued to do EMDR therapy to work through his traumatic history of emotional neglect.

Over time, Ted was able to work through his traumatic past, and this allowed him to be more emotionally vulnerable and expressive with Jan.  He also continued to cultivate better relationships at work.

Conclusion
Psychotherapy can help you to expand your inner emotional awareness.

In my professional opinion as a psychotherapist for more than 20 years, the mind-body connection is the easiest and most effective way to help clients in therapy to become aware of their emotions through the connection to the sensations in their bodies.

Often, people become emotionally and physically disconnected from their bodies due to unresolved trauma.  So, usually part of the work in therapy is to help clients to work through unresolved trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy
People who lack awareness of their internal emotional world often don't realize that this is a problem until there are consequences for them in their personal relationships or their relationships at work.

A skilled psychotherapist will go at a pace that feels safe for the client so the client isn't overwhelmed in therapy (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

If you realize that you're somewhat emotionally shut down and this is having negative consequences for you and your relationships, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to come alive again so you'll have a more meaningful life and more fulfilling relationships.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome traumatic experiences.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to connect and expand their inner emotional awareness so that they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Anger as a Secondary Emotion

In a prior article, Boredom as a Secondary Emotion, I introduced the concept of secondary emotions as it relates to boredom.  

I also discussed how secondary emotions often mask other emotions, like anger, sadness, fear, shame, and so on. 

Anger can also be a secondary emotion that masks other emotions. The emotions that are being defensively masked by anger are often unconscious.

Anger as a Secondary Emotion

Anger as a Secondary Emotion
The following fictional vignette illustrates how anger can be a secondary emotion in a relationship and the importance of each person in the relationship being able to identify these emotions, understand the emotional triggers underlying emotions involved, the roots of these emotions which can go back to early childhood, and how to communicate with each other based on the underlying emotions:

Bess and Ken
As a last ditch effort to save their marriage, Bess and Ken begin couples counseling to deal with their tumultuous relationship.

Anger as a Secondary Emotion

They both agree that frequent arguments throughout their five year marriage has eroded their relationship to the point where they are considering getting a divorce.

From Ken's perspective, Bess has a problem with anger management.  Whenever he has to work late or travel for business, Bess becomes enraged.  

Before they got married, he told her that his job involved long hours and frequent travel, so he feels she is being unreasonable.  He feels it's impossible to communicate with her when she gets angry, and he stopped even trying.  

From Bess' point of view, Ken is dismissive of her feelings.  When she tries to tell him that she feels lonely in their relationship, he tells her that she shouldn't feel that way, which feels dismissive to her.  When he dismisses her feelings, she feels frustrated and angry (see my article: Loneliness and Lack of Intimacy in a Relationship).

Before they got married, Bess says Ken promised that he would search for another job that didn't involve so many long hours and travel, but he never tried to find another job.  She feels that he actually likes being away from her much of the time, and all of this makes her feel like she's not important to him.  If he would listen to her and consider her feelings, she wouldn't get so angry.

Aside from the usual ground rules about the fee, the cancellation policy, and similar issues, their couples counselor set some ground rules for their sessions, including that they have to actively listen to what their spouse said without being judgmental and without interrupting.

Then, the couples counselor turns to Ken and asks him what he heard Bess say.  Initially, he looks surprised that he is being asked this, and then he admits that he has heard Bess complain so much over the years that he barely listens to her anymore.  But he is aware that she doesn't like that he is away from her so much and that she blames him for not finding another job.  What Bess didn't know, he explains, is that he has been looking for another job, but he hasn't found anything yet.

He tells the couples counselor that he wishes that Bess wasn't so "needy," but then he catches himself, he acknowledges that he is being judgmental and apologizes to Bess, who looks upset, "This is what I have to deal with all the time from Ken.  Instead of trying to understand how I feel, he criticizes me for being 'needy' or 'acting like a baby.'  There's no getting through to him."

After getting Ken's and Bess' family history over the next couple of sessions, the couples counselor provides them with psychoeducation about their attachment styles.

See my articles:  

Why It's Important For Psychotherapists to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation

How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

She explains that it's common for people with certain attachment styles to come together. For instance, people with the anxious-preoccupied attachment style often get together with the dismissive-avoidant attachment style.

Ken laughs, "The dismissive-avoidant attachment style sounds like me.  I never wanted to get married, but when I met Bess, I fell in love and I knew that I would lose her if we didn't get married."

Bess says hesitantly, "I guess the anxious-preoccupied style sounds like me.  I knew Ken didn't want to get married and, on some level, I think he resents marrying me."

Throughout the next few months, the couples counselor teaches Ken and Bess to de-escalate so that their arguments don't get to the level where they're shouting at each other.  They both become more considerate of each other, and Ken makes an effort to come home early from work more often and he sends a subordinate on some of the business trips.

The couples counselor also teaches them to recognize what emotions get triggered for each of them before they argue.

Ken recognizes that he is dismissive, in part, because he feels helpless whenever Bess gets upset about his time away from home.  He sees that, rather than feeling helpless, he shuts down emotionally and accuses Bess of being "needy" and "immature" but, in reality, he can't stand feeling helpless.  It feels "unmanly" to him.

They were able to explore the origin of Ken's feelings about masculinity and how "a man should be." When Ken was growing up, his father hardly showed any emotion, positive or negative, so Ken learned that in order for "a man to be a man," he should never feel helpless.  Now, as difficult as it is  for him to admit it, he's able to see that it's not reasonable to say that men should be allowed to have certain emotions.

Listening to Ken, Bess was touched and she placed her hand over his as an affectionate gesture.  Ken seems surprised and he clasps Bess' hand in his.

When it was Bess' turn, she said she had no idea that, underneath his dismissive attitude, Ken was feeling helpless. If she had known that, she said, she would have been more compassionate towards him.  She reiterates that she feels angry and frustrated whenever Ken dismisses her feelings.

The couples counselor helps Bess to dig deeper beyond her anger, and Bess realizes that underneath her anger she feels hurt and abandoned, feelings that were familiar to her from her childhood whenever her parents went away and left her with her grandmother.

Bess realizes that it feels "safer" to her to feel angry as opposed to feeling hurt and abandoned, which makes her feel too emotionally vulnerable.

The couples counselor explains the concept of secondary emotions and how these emotions often mask other more vulnerable feelings like sadness or shame.

Anger as a Secondary Emotion

Gradually, Bess and Ken learn to trust each other again, and they allow themselves to feel and express their more vulnerable feelings.

After they completed couples counseling, they each sought their own individual psychotherapist to work on unresolved childhood issues that were getting triggered in their relationship (see my article: Relationships: Unresolved Childhood Issues Can Create Conflict).

Conclusion
Anger is often a secondary emotion.  Secondary emotions, like anger, often mask other more vulnerable feelings like sadness, fear, and shame.

These underlying feelings are usually unconscious and the secondary emotions are used as a defense to ward off the more vulnerable feelings.

When each person in a relationship is struggling with secondary emotions, they often keep looping in the same arguments without a resolution because they're not dealing with the core feelings.

Getting Help in Therapy
The underlying emotions beyond the secondary emotion is usually hard to detect on your own, especially if you're stuck in a destructive dynamic with a spouse or significant other.  Each person digs in their heels and nothing changes (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist can help individuals and couples to become aware of their particular dynamics, including their attachment styles, identify emotional triggers, discover the underlying emotions, and work towards having a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Boredom Can Lead to Greater Creativity

In my prior two articles, Understanding the Different Types of Boredom and Boredom as a Secondary Emotion: Discovering the Underlying Emotions in Therapy, I introduced different ways of looking at boredom (also see my article:  Boredom as a Relapse Trigger as it applies to addiction).  In this article, I discuss how boredom can lead to greater creativity.

How Boredom Can Lead to Greater Creativity

How Does Boredom Lead to Creativity?
Two research studies conducted by University of Central Lancashire and Penn State University    found that boredom can spark creativity because the restless mind craves stimulation.

According to psychologist Heather Lench of Texas A&M University, when people are bored, this often leads to their being in a seeking state of mind, so the mind becomes more engaged.

Sandi Mann, a psychologist at the University of Central Lancashire, discovered that when people are bored, they go into a daydreaming state, which can lead to creative ideas.

Many people discover that when they're engaged in mundane, boring tasks, like folding the laundry or washing the dishes, they get creative ideas.

It doesn't matter if they are artists, business executives or students.  These repetitive, mundane tasks can open up the mind in a creative way.

How Can You Benefit From Boredom to Become More Creative?
According to Sandi Mann, Ph.D., it's important not to distract yourself when you're bored so that you allow yourself to benefit from the deeper thinking that can take place when you stay with the boredom and see what comes up next.

How Boredom Can Lead to Greater Creativity

According to Dr. Mann, when you distract yourself from your boredom by looking at your cellphone, going online on your computer or finding other ways to alleviate your boredom, you move away from the slow moments that can lead to creative ideas.

So, instead of trying to distract yourself from boredom, stay with it and don't distract yourself. You might discover that you get some of your best ideas if you just allow yourself to remain in that bored state for a while.

If you need to come up with creative ideas, you could benefit from planning mundane activities like making photocopies, answering basic email or attending an especially boring staff meeting where your mind will crave stimulation and, possibly, this state will allow you to open up to new ways of looking at things (see my article: Reclaiming Your Creativity).

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Boredom as a Secondary Emotion: Discovering the Underlying Emotions in Therapy

In my prior article, Understanding the Different Types of Boredom,  I discussed the different types of boredom and how being aware of the type of boredom you're experiencing can lead to your taking action to address your needs.  In this article, I'm focusing on boredom as a secondary emotion that masks deeper unconscious feelings.

Boredom as a Secondary Emotion: Discovering the Underlying Emotions in Therapy

Boredom as a Secondary Emotion
Regardless of the type of boredom someone might be experiencing, when a client comes to my private practice in New York City and tells me that he's bored, I know that boredom often masks other underlying emotions like anger, sadness or fear.

In other words, boredom can be used unconsciously to defend against feeling these other emotions that are more difficult for most people.

The Mind-Body Connection in Psychotherapy
Often, talking about boredom in therapy goes nowhere.  But using the concept of the mind-body connection in psychotherapy often leads to discovering unconscious feelings (see my article:  The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Clinical Hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing and EMDR Therapy are three types of mind-body oriented treatment modalities that can help to discover the unconscious roots to emotional problems.

A Fictional Vignette to Discover the Unconscious Roots of Boredom
Let's take a look at a fictional vignette which illustrates how the mind-body connection works:

Sam
Sam started therapy because he felt bored and stuck in a rut at work, and he didn't know what to do about it (see my articles: Getting Out of a Rut - Part 1 and Getting Out of a Rut - Part 2).

Sam had been in therapy before, but he wanted to try something different, so he chose a psychotherapist who focused on the mind-body connection because he thought it would help him to go deeper than he had in his prior talk therapy.

As he described his boredom with his job, his psychotherapist explained that there are different kinds of boredom and it seemed that the particular type of boredom that he was experiencing was reactive boredom where he wanted to escape from his responsibilities, but he didn't know what to do.

In subsequent therapy sessions, his therapist spoke to Sam about boredom being a secondary emotion that often masks other unconscious feelings.

She also spoke to him about using a technique in clinical hypnosis called the affect bridge  to help him to get to the underlying emotions.  She explained that he would be in a relaxed state where she would help him to focus on the boredom, where he felt it in his body, and they would see what else came up in terms of underlying emotions and possible memories.

By the time Sam and his therapist spoke about the affect bridge as part of hypnosis, he already felt comfortable with her and the way she worked, so he agreed to try it.

His therapist started by helping Sam to get grounded and to relax.  Then, she asked him to notice where he sensed the boredom in body.  Sam thought for a few moments, and then he responded by saying he felt the boredom in his upper stomach.  He experienced it as agitation.

His therapist encouraged Sam to continue to feel into the boredom, including the agitation, in his upper stomach.  After a couple of minutes, Sam said that he was aware of a rising sense of anger.

A few minutes later, he remembered a conversation he had with his parents when he was in his early teens.  At the time, he was angry with them because they would often go out and leave him in charge of his three younger siblings.

He said that his anger made no difference to his parents, who continued to force him to babysit for his younger siblings even after Sam complained that he was missing out on social activities with his friends because he was often busy taking care of his siblings.

Suddenly, Sam realized that he had similar feelings towards his boss and his subordinates at work.  He never wanted to supervise employees, but his promotion, which included new responsibilities that he really liked, also included supervising three employees who were difficult.

Sam told his therapist that he often felt that he could be spending more time doing the parts of his job that he really liked if he didn't have to spend so much time "babysitting" for these subordinates, who were often late or didn't come to work.

Instead of spending more time on the projects that he enjoyed, he had to spend time having individual conferences with his subordinates and even more time writing them up.

Over time, Sam realized that, before he did the affect bridge work with his therapist, he was unaware of feeling angry and how his anger about his work connected to his earlier family experiences.

Although both situations felt similar to him, Sam realized that there was an important difference--whereas when he was a teenager he had no choice but to watch his siblings whenever his parents told him to, as an adult, he could speak to his boss about how unhappy he was with the supervisory aspects of his job.

Sam knew that he probably wouldn't have been able to get to the deeper feelings underneath his boredom as quickly if he and his therapist had not used a mind-body oriented approach.

Boredom as a Secondary Emotion: Discovering the Underlying Emotions in Therapy

A few weeks later, Sam met with his boss and asked him if they could restructure his job so he no longer had to supervise employees.  His boss listened attentively.  Then he told Sam that he was thinking of restructuring Sam's job because the company needed him to do more of the creative work.  He said he would reassign Sam's subordinates to two other supervisors.

In his therapy sessions Sam and his psychotherapist worked on the older issue related to his anger towards his parents using EMDR therapy, a therapy developed specifically for resolving traumatic experiences.

Conclusion
Boredom often masks unconscious feelings, such as anger, sadness and fear.

It's often difficult to get to the unconscious feelings that lie beneath boredom with talk therapy.  But using a mind-body oriented therapy, like clinical hypnosis, EMDR or Somatic Experiencing helps to get to the unconscious material so that it can be worked through.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you tend to experience boredom, you could benefit from thinking of boredom as being a secondary emotion that hides unconscious feelings (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

An experienced psychotherapist, who uses a mind-body oriented approach in therapy, can help you to discover the unconscious feelings that are being masked by the boredom so you can get to the root of the problem and work through it in therapy (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have helped many clients to discover the unconscious feelings that are at the root of their problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding the Different Types of Boredom

Everyone feels bored at some point.  This article is primarily about people who feel bored most of the time and remain immersed in their boredom. Boredom can lead to either destructive or creative behavior.  It all depends on what you do with it. Unfortunately, many people react to boredom in a self destructively way (see my article: Coping With Addiction: Boredom as a Relapse Trigger ).  The word "boredom" is very broad.  When people say they're bored, they often mean different things, which is why it's important to understand that there are different types of boredom.

Understanding the Different Types of Boredom

Understanding the Different Types of Boredom

• Apathetic Boredom:  People who feel the type of boredom characterized primarily by apathy have a lack of positive or negative feelings that is usually associated with feelings of helplessness and, in some cases, depression.  This type of boredom can lead to self destructive behavior, like drinking excessive or using drugs, as a way to elevate their mood.
• Unpleasant Restless Boredom:  Unpleasant restlessness is usually associated with a negative kind of boredom where a person thinks about other things s/he might want in his or her life, like a new job, different activities, and so on.  If the restlessness leads to a search for new activities, it can be turned into something positive and productive.  But if the person just continues to ruminate about his or her boredom, then, at best, nothing will change and, at worse, it can lead to self destructive behavior.
• Reactive Boredom:  A person who is experiencing reactive boredom often wants to escape from or avoid his or her responsibilities.  There might be a significant level of restlessness and aggression involved as the person dwells on alternative scenarios.  Whether this leads to taking constructive action can make all the difference.
• Indifferent Boredom:  A person who experiences indifferent boredom usually appears calm and they are often withdrawn.  Many people who habitually abuse marijuana can fit into this category.
• Calibrating Boredom:  People who experience this type of boredom want to do something different, but they're not sure what to do.  They might have wandering thoughts about what they might want to do, but they usually don't take action.

In future articles, I'll discuss how boredom is often a secondary emotion that hides other emotions like anger and sadness.  I'll also discuss how boredom can lead to creativity.

Conclusion

Boredom is a broad term that can lead to either destructive or creative behavior.

There are at least five different types of boredom.

Once you become aware of what type of boredom you're experiencing, you can choose to take action to overcome your boredom.

Getting Help in Therapy

As I mentioned before, boredom can lead to self destructive behavior as people look for ways to elevate their mood, possibly through alcohol, drugs, compulsive gambling or other destructive mood altering behavior.

When people are immersed in boredom and they don't know how to overcome it, it can be helpful to seek assistance from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients to delve deeper into their feelings to understand the root problems and how to overcome them.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article:  ).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Early Recovery: Focusing on the "People" Part of "People, Places and Things"

The decision to get sober is one of the biggest and most challenging decisions you can make in your life.  Once you've made this decision, you need to assess your life about how you're going to maintain your sobriety.  The concept of being aware of "people, places and things" in order not to relapse is an important one.  In this article, I'm focusing on the people part of "people, places and things" because it's often one of the hardest parts of recovery (see my articles: Early Recovery: You've Stopped Drinking. Now What? and The Myth of Having to "Hit Bottom" to Change).

Early Recovery: Focusing on the "People" of "People, Places and Things"

Reassessing Your Friendships in Light of Your Desire to Remain Sober

During early recovery, people usually take stock of their lives, including the people they hang out with when they drink--their drinking buddies.  When drinking buddies are only acquaintances at the local bar, as opposed to close friends, it's less of a challenge to refrain from seeing them in order to avoid the temptation to drink.

But when the people are close friends, it's a much more difficult situation and you might need to make some hard choices in order to stay sober.   

This doesn't necessarily mean that you need to give up your friends completely.  For instance, if you have close friends, who drink a lot, but who also like to engage in other activities, you could avoid meeting them at the bar and, instead, meet them at the movies.  

When you explain to your friends that you're giving up drinking, if they're good friends, it's more than likely they will encourage you to do what's best for you regardless of how they feel about drinking.

But when you have friends who might be in denial about how much they're drinking, they could perceive your sobriety as a threat because it forces them to look at their own drinking.  

As a result, they might minimize your problem in order to avoid dealing with their own drinking problem.  This doesn't mean that your friends don't care about you.  It usually means that they're afraid to look at themselves and it's easier for them to minimize your problem than to look at their own issues.

If close friends are encouraging you to join them for drinks after you've told them that you want to stop drinking, you need to make a decision about these friendships in light of your desire to stay sober.  

The same is true for friends who are only interested in going out drinking and who have no other interests.  If they're not willing to meet you for coffee or to do something else that doesn't involve alcohol, you will need to reassess these friendships because you will be putting your well-being at risk if you go along with them to bars.

Isolation Isn't the Answer:  Getting Sober Support in Self Help Meetings

You will need emotional support to maintain your sobriety, especially if you have to give up friends (see my articles: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation and Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies That Don't Work: Avoidance).

Many people who are trying to get sober isolate themselves in order to avoid alcohol.  This might work for a short time, but it's not the answer in the long run.  

Everyone needs emotional support, especially if you're taking on the challenge of staying sober.  Isolation only makes you feel lonely and it makes it that much more likely that you'll return to alcohol as your "old friend."

You can find sober support at Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) meetings.  Visiting several Alcoholics Anonymous meetings is a good way to find a meeting that feels right for you because every meeting is different.  

When you find a meeting that feels right for you, you can also obtain an interim sponsor, someone who volunteers him or herself in a beginners meeting to be a temporary sponsor until you find someone that you feel comfortable with, which could be your interim sponsor or it could be someone else.

Getting Help in Therapy

But what if you attend several A.A. meetings and you feel overwhelmed by these meetings? (see my article:  Early Recovery: What If 12 Step Meetings Are Too Overwhelming For You?).

Then, you would do well to consider individual psychotherapy with a psychotherapist who has experience working with people in recovery (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Even if you're attending A.A. meetings and you have a sponsor, it's a good idea to consider individual therapy to work on the underlying issues that contribute to your excessive drinking.  

A.A. meetings and sponsorship can be important components to recovery.  But if you don't eventually address in greater depth the underlying issues that trigger your drinking, you're more prone to relapse.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients who are in recovery to stay sober.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.