How to Stop Getting Caught Up In Other People's Emotional Drama

If emotional drama is a way of life for you, it's easy to keep caught up in other people's drama (see my article:  Hooked On Emotional Drama: Getting Off the Emotional Seesaw).

How to Stop Getting Caught Up in Other People's Emotional Drama

Why Do People Get Caught Up in Other People's Emotional Drama?

Not everyone gets involved in other people's drama.  Many people run the other way when they detect the chaos of emotional drama.  They find it stressful and annoying, and they want nothing to do with it.

But there are also many people who become fascinated by the drama.  For them, emotional drama has been part of their life since childhood and so it feels "normal" and even exciting.

Recognizing and understanding the root of the problem--that it usually begins early in life--is the start to resolving it, but it's not the entire solution because having an intellectual understanding often doesn't change anything.

It's often a way to take the focus away from oneself by focusing on other people's problems.

What Are the Consequences of Continually Getting Caught Up in Other People's Drama?

For people who habitually get involved in other people's drama (when they're not creating their own), it can feel exciting and addictive.

How to Stop Getting Caught Up in Other People's Emotional Drama

It might start with gossip about an argument between two friends.  It might begin with a rivalry between two family members or some other similar event.

The problem is that, besides usually being a waste of time, the person who habitually gets involved with drama usually gets pulled into the negative vortex of the situation.

Even though it might have started as "juicy gossip," the drama has a way of spiraling out of control and having negative consequences for everyone involved as the problem snowballs beyond anyone's expectations.

So, while it might start with a shot of dopamine and bring excitement, it usually degenerates into a bad situation.  Everyone involved usually loses in the end.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario that illustrates the problem:

Anna

Anna liked to say that there was "too much drama" going on among her friends.  But even though she expressed disdain for emotional drama, she found herself getting continually pulled in whenever there was a situation among family or friends.

On a certain level, Anna knew that whenever she got involved with a brouhaha that was going on with other people, she eventually felt exhausted, depleted, annoyed and regretful.

But try as she might, each time a similar situation arose, she felt compelled to jump in and get involved, no matter how many times she vowed to herself not to do it again.

The situation that brought her into therapy involved a problem between two close friends who had a bitter argument about one of the friend's husbands.

Rita called Anna in tears after she found out that their mutual friend, Lisa, was having an affair with Rita's husband, Carlos.  Although her husband and Lisa both denied it, Rita found text messages and nude pictures that confirmed her suspicions.

Rita told Anna that she threw her husband out after she found out about the infidelity, but she wanted him back.  She had thrown Carlos out many times before because of his affairs with other women.  But she feared that there was something more than sex between Carlos and Lisa, and she was afraid she would lose him to Lisa if she didn't take him back.

But before she took him back, Rita wanted Lisa to know that she had to stay away from Carlos because she didn't want to take him back if they were going to continue the affair.  The problem was that Lisa wasn't taking her calls, so she wanted Anna to speak with Lisa.

When Anna heard what happened, she couldn't believe it.  She and all of Rita's friends knew that Carlos was a philanderer.  He had even tried to hit on Anna.  But Anna couldn't believe that Lisa, who was a close friend to both Anna and Rita, would have an affair with Carlos.

How to Stop Getting Up in Other People's Emotional Drama

Anna stayed on the phone with Rita for hours.  Although she felt compassion for Rita, she also realized that she also felt excited.  Her heart was racing, her breathing was heavier and she felt energized.  

By the time she agreed to call Lisa, Anna was completely immersed in Rita's problems.  When Anna put down the phone, she felt pumped as if she had run a race.  

A few minutes later, she got a call from her friend, Paula, who had been friends with Anna and Lisa for more than 20 years.

"Can you believe what's going on with Rita and Carlos!?!," Paula said.  

Then, without even waiting for an answer from Anna, Paula launched into her own interpretation of the events and they remained on the phone for two hours.

By the time Anna got off the phone, she realized that she forgot to go to the store for tonight's dinner, which the store was now closed.

She hurried to something throw something together for dinner.  Then, she thought about how she would approach Lisa.

By the next day, she called Lisa and broached the topic with her.  Before Anna could get too far, Lisa got angry and interrupted her and told her that she was the third person who called her about the "so-called affair" that she was having with Carlos.

Not only did Lisa deny that she had anything to do with Carlos, but she was offended and hurt that anyone would think this, "Whatever pictures Rita thinks she had--they're not me!"  

The conversation devolved into a big argument where Anna told her that she didn't want to be Lisa's friend anymore and Lisa told Anna that she didn't want anything to do with her as well.  Then, they both hung up in anger.

Anna was sad, angry and exhausted.  She realized that she had only made the situation worse and she wanted nothing to do with Rita's problems.  

A few days later, Rita called her sounding sheepish.  She and Carlos were back together again.  She realized that the messages and pictures that she found on Carlos' phone were from a few years ago and they didn't involve Lisa.

Rita was annoyed that Carlos kept these pictures and messages on his phone, but she forgave him and they were planning to take a romantic vacation together soon.  She also apologized to Lisa and told her that she didn't want to lose their 10 year friendship over a mistake that Rita had made.

Then, Rita said, "Lisa is very angry with you and I don't know if she will ever have anything to do with you again."

Anna's mind was spinning by the time Rita got back to talking about her reconciliation with Carlos and how passionate they had been the last few days, Anna wasn't even listening.

All Anna could think was, "I allowed myself to get pulled into someone else's drama and now I may have lost a good friend.  I'm too old for this."

After their conversation, Anna sat quietly for a while.  She felt that there was something old and familiar about all of this, but she wasn't sure what it was.

She tried to reach Lisa to apologize, but Lisa didn't return her calls.

When Anna talked to her husband about it, he told her that this was just like her feuding family and all their emotional drama.  He suggested that she talk to a therapist.

During Anna's therapy sessions, she began to see the similarity between the situation with her friends and old pattern of triangulation in her family.  

How to Stop Getting Caught Up in Other People's Emotional Drama

Anna's mother was constantly getting into arguments and disputes with her siblings and then Anna and her sisters wouldn't see these relatives for months because of the feuding.

Anna realized that she had unconsciously developed the same pattern in her relationships.  Even though she was in her mid-30s, she was still getting in the middle of these feuds with friends as if they were teenagers.

After she overcame the shame and guilt, she was able to come to terms with the underlying issues and why it was so familiar, exciting and compelling to her.

Gradually, Anna worked through her family issues in therapy, and she learned to be more involved in her own life and not get pulled into these dramas.  

Conclusion

The initial excitement and compulsion to get involved in other people's emotional drama is often unconscious and based on early personal history.

When it comes to getting involved in drama, age often has little to do with it.  

An objective outsider might look at the situation and think that the people involved are acting like teenagers, but the people involved in the situation often have little awareness of this.

We each carry around our younger selves, including the infant, young child and the teenage selves.  Any one of them can get activated in a particular situation.

You might recognize the pattern in hindsight, but this is often not enough to disengage the next time because of the unconscious nature of the problem.

Boredom or depression can also be a factor in wanting the temporary "rush" involved with the drama.

Getting Help in Therapy

Since this problem is usually difficult to overcome alone, getting help in therapy is often the solution.

A skilled therapist can help you to understand the roots of this problem and why it feels so compelling whenever it occurs, despite the fact that it hasn't ended well in the past. 

Rather than suffering alone and continuing to make the same mistakes, freeing yourself from the effects of your history in therapy can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people to overcome a habitual pattern of getting involved in other people's emotional drama and to stop creating their own.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Enabling Your Adult Children?

In prior articles, I've discussed the concepts of enabling and codependency: 

Relationships: Overcoming Codependency

Crossing the Line From Being Compassionate to Being Enabling 

Avoiding Codependency Between You and Your Children).  

In this article, I'm focusing on parents who enable their adult children.

Are You Enabling Your Adult Children?

Before I discuss parents enabling adult children, I want to stress that, of course, most parents want the best for their children and would never do anything intentionally that was harmful to them.

At the same time, good intentions can sometimes lead to bad outcomes.  With regard to enabling adult children, this often means that these children don't learn the necessary skills to develop and grow psychologically.

What Does "Enabling" Mean?
Let's start by providing the negative definition of "enabling," which is how I'm using it in this article.

Basically, the concept of enabling developed in the recovery community to describe spouses, family members and others who intend to "help" someone with an addiction but who make the problems worse with their "help."

Common examples of enabling in this sense is the wife (or husband) who calls the spouse's employer to make an excuse for an absence when, in fact, the spouse is too drunk to go to work.

In this case, the intention is for the spouse with the drinking problem to keep his job.  However, the unintended consequence is that the spouse with the drinking problem learns that he can continue to drink and his spouse will make sure that everything is taken care of with the boss.

Anyone with an ounce of compassion for the wife in this situation can understand why she's doing this.  If her husband loses his job, she and the children will also suffer terrible consequences.  But, at the same time, she is unknowingly and unintentionally making the situation worse because there are no consequences for the husband at home or at work--at least for a while.

Presumably, these excuses can't go on forever.  In the meantime, since alcohol problems tend to be progressive, without help, the husband's drinking problem will get worse and can lead to serious health problems or death.

The same scenario often occurs when parents make excuses for their adult children to shield them from experiencing negative consequences.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario to understand these consequences better:

Sandy and Ann:
Sandy's daughter, Ann, moved out with roommates when she was 25.

Initially, when Ann moved out, she wasn't making much money, so Sandy paid most of Ann's portion of the rent and helped to pay for Ann's phone.

As time went on, Ann got a promotion to a managerial position at her bank, and she was doing well enough so that she could afford her own apartment in Brooklyn.  But she asked Sandy to continue to pay her rent for the next six months until she was settled in.

Sandy was happy to help her and continued to pay Ann's rent for the next six months--even though it came at a financial sacrifice.  Sandy cancelled a vacation she planned to take.  She also became a lot more careful about other everyday expenses so that she could continue to help Ann financially.

A few months later Ann approached Sandy for more money because she maxed out her credit cards and the balances were so high that she could no longer make minimum payments.

When Ann told Sandy what happened, Ann was shocked.  She had no idea that Ann was running up her credit cards.  She told Ann that she would pay off her credit cards, but she needed to be more careful in the future about how she spent money.

Are You Enabling Your Adult Children

Ann agreed to be more responsible, but this pattern continued for the next few years with Ann living above her means to have whatever she wanted and Sandy cutting back more and more on her own expenses to bail out Ann.

By the time Ann turned 30, she had a high paying executive position at her bank, but she continued to get deeper and deeper in debt.

As a single parent of an only child, Sandy was getting increasingly concerned about Ann's financial problems.

On some level, she knew that she had enabled this problem by constantly bailing Ann out, but she felt too guilty to refuse to help her.

Sandy offered to pay for Ann to see a financial advisor to help Ann develop better financial skills, but Ann wasn't interested.

Then, one day, Sandy came to visit Ann and told her that she had run up a new credit card and she couldn't pay it.  When Ann told Sandy that the balance owed was $25,000, Sandy was shocked.  At first, Sandy refused to help her.

At that point, Ann got enraged and said in a desperate tone, "What am I going to do!?!  If the credit card company contacts my employer, I'll be so embarrassed!  I'll lose my job! You have to help me."

Sandy wasn't sure what to do.  She agonized about it for days.  Then, she confided in her best friend, Meg, who was already familiar with this dynamic between Sandy and Ann.

Meg listened patiently, as she always did, and then she told Sandy that Ann was in deep trouble with her overspending habit.  Then, she took a deep breath and told Sandy that Sandy was also in trouble for enabling Ann.

Sandy knew that Meg was right, but she felt too guilty and afraid not to help her daughter, so she took money from her savings account, gave it to Ann and told her that it was a loan and she had to pay her back.

Ann was taken aback when Sandy told her that she had to pay the money back, but she was feeling desperate, so she agreed to pay Ann back within the next two years.

After Sandy gave Ann the money, they each felt momentarily relieved and didn't talk about it again for a while.  But as time went on and Ann didn't give Sandy any money to pay back the loan, Sandy got concerned.

Whenever Sandy brought up the loan, Ann got annoyed and reminded Ann that she had agreed to pay her back.  Ann didn't like being "badgered" for the money and she said she would start paying back Sandy soon--as soon as she had the extra cash.

But time went on and Ann never brought up the loan and never gave Sandy any money.  Instead, she got herself deep into debt again.

When Ann approached Sandy for more money, Sandy had run out of all options and, even though she felt very guilty, she told Ann that she would have to deal with this new debt on her own because she couldn't help her.

Ann panicked and approached her close friends for loans, but she had already borrowed money from all of them and still owed them so they told her they couldn't lend her any more money.  Having no money to pay, Ann had to file for bankruptcy, which ruined her credit and caused her to lose her position with her bank.

Ann had no choice but to give up her apartment and move back home, which she resented.  Then, instead of looking for another job, she spent all day sleeping in her former childhood room. She refused to speak to Sandy because she was unable to help her.

Faced with this increasingly difficult situation, Sandy began therapy because the situation was overwhelming to her.

In therapy, Sandy learned about the concept of enabling and how she had unwittingly contributed to her daughter's problems by constantly bailing her out.

Sandy knew that she had to make changes, but it was extremely difficult for her to say "no" to her daughter.  But she took responsibility for her part in Ann's problems, and she began to deal with the underlying reasons that caused her to enable her daughter.

Sandy discussed in therapy that she had always felt guilty about separating from Ann's father, who was a gambler who gambled away their savings when Ann was a child.

After they separated, Ann's father disappeared from Ann's life and Ann blamed Sandy for this.  As a child, Ann was too young to understand her father's gambling problems and Sandy never explained it to Ann--even when Ann became an adult.  In fact, they never discussed it.

Ann realized in therapy that, due to her guilty feelings about the marital separation and Ann's father's abandoning Ann, Sandy felt she could never say "no" to Ann.

Ann had to work through her guilt in therapy before she could accept that she did what was best for herself and Ann when she left Ann's father, and it was time for her to stop trying to overcompensate for it by constantly bailing out Ann.

She also knew that she needed to speak with Ann about it and set limits with her, including how long she could continue to live with her and expect that Sandy would support her.

It was one of the most difficult conversations that Sandy had ever had in her life, but by the end of their conversation, Sandy explained why she separated from Ann's father.  She also gave Ann six months to find a job or she would have to move out.

It took a few days before Ann came back to Sandy and apologized for her behavior.

She told Ann that after her father left, she blamed Sandy, but she also blamed herself.  She felt that she must have been unlovable and that the only thing that made her feel good about herself was spending money (see my article:  Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Avoid Uncomfortable Feelings).

She understood now that she had placed herself in an untenable situation and it was always headed for disaster, but she couldn't face it until now.

Ann began attending Debtor's Anonymous 12 Step meetings to deal with her overspending habit and she started putting her life together again.

Although it was very hard for Sandy to set limits with her daughter, she realized that neither she nor her daughter would have made any changes if she had not confronted her own underlying reasons for enabling Sandy.  This, in turn, led to Ann facing her own problems.

Conclusion
Confronting your enabling behavior toward an adult child can be one of the most difficult things you do in your life.

You can find many rationalizations and excuses for your behavior, but until you face it and make a commitment to overcome it, neither you nor your child will be able to change this dysfunctional behavior.

In the scenario above, the enabling behavior was about giving an adult child money, but it can be about anything--enabling substance abuse, enabling overeating, enabling workaholism, and so on.

Getting Help in Therapy
Parents often find it increasingly difficult to stop enabling their children on their own.

It's easy to continue to bargain with yourself, "I'll just do it this one time and then I'll stop," in much the same way that your adult child can bargain with him or herself to continue to engage in dysfunctional behavior.

Getting help in therapy can provide you with the tools you need to take yourself out of the cycle of ongoing enabling.

Parents are often surprised that once they take a stand and stop enabling their adult children's dysfunctional behavior, their children will have no choice but to confront their own behavior and make changes.

The first step, picking up the phone and setting up an appointment with a therapist for a consultation, can be the hardest step, but it's often the first step to making positive changes.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome negative enabling behavior so they could lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Rationalization as a Form of Denial and Self Deception

I've written about denial in other articles (Overcoming Denial About Family Problems and Discovering Overcoming Your Emotional Blind Spots).  In this article, I'm focusing on rationalization as a form of denial when you're with someone who has an addiction.

Rationalization as a Form of Denial and Self Deception

As I've mentioned in prior articles, there are many forms of denial, including  

Rationalization is a form of denial often used by people who are in relationships with someone who has an addiction.

It's  understandable how this could happen because most people want to be in a relationship with someone that they can trust.  But often this wish to be able to trust can become so powerful that it leads to self deception.

Rationalizations as Denial and Self Deception

Here are some examples:

"I know he really doesn't have a drinking problem.  The stress on his job makes him drink."

"Living in New York City, where the pace is so fast makes him anxious and this causes him to drink.  If we moved, he wouldn't drink."

"My boyfriend really doesn't have a sexual addiction.  It's not his fault if women throw themselves at him."

"He's hanging out with the wrong crowd.  That's why he's abusing drugs."

"She's constantly having sex with other man because I'm not satisfying her sexually.  It's not her fault."

Rationalization as a Form of Denial and Self Deception

"She has been arrested several times for shoplifting, but I know that the police are exaggerating her behavior."

"Even though she cheats on me with lots of other men, she always comes home to me and that's all that really matters."

"I don't really mind if he spends a lot of time on sex chat sites as long as he doesn't get physically involved with another woman"

"I know she's abusing Xanax, but she told me that she can stop at any time and I believe her."

On the Surface, Rationalizations Seem to Make Sense
While rationalizations seem to make sense on the surface, there are usually underlying reasons, sometimes unconscious, that prompt these rationalizations.

A fictionalized scenario demonstrates how rationalizations can be used to avoid dealing with underlying issues:

Tania
Tania started therapy because she was having problems in her marriage.  She would have preferred to attend couples therapy, but her husband refused to go.

During her first session, Tania felt uncomfortable talking about her marital problems, but as she continued to go to her therapy sessions, she began to talk about the sexual problems in her relationship (see my article:  The Importance of Talking About Sexual Problems in Your Therapy).

Rationalization as a Form of Denial and Self Deception

Overcoming her embarrassment, Tania began discussing her sexual life with her husband--or lack of sexual life.  She talked about how passionate their sex life used to be when during the first few years of their marriage.  But then their sexual intimacy began to dwindle until it stopped altogether.

Then, one day Tania told her therapist how her husband stayed up most nights on the computer after she went to bed.

After a few weeks of this, Tania became curious about what her husband was doing on the computer at night, so she looked up the history on the computer and discovered that her husband was looking at pornography at night.

Although Tania didn't like it, she told her therapist that she didn't have a problem with it.  She preferred for him to look at women on porn sites than to have an affair with another woman.

When her therapist attempted to explore this further, Tania deflected her therapist's questions by changing the subject.  When her therapist pointed this out to her, Tania insisted that she didn't think her husband watching porn on the Internet had anything to do with the problems in her marriage.

But as time went on and her husband spent more and more time on the computer at night, Tania became increasingly concerned.

Then, one day, she became curious about the sites that her husband was visiting, so while he was out of the apartment, she spent time looking at the history on the computer and discovered that her husband wasn't just looking at porn, he was emailing several women to meet up with them to have sex (see my article:  Infidelity: Married, Bored and Cheating Online).

Rationalization as a Form of Denial and Self Deception

This was so startling to Tania that she confronted her husband and told him that unless he got help in therapy, she would leave him.

After her husband began therapy, Tania talked to her therapist about how betrayed she felt by her husband.  She wondered if she should leave him even though he was getting help (see my article: Relationships: Should You Stay or Should You Go?)

Rationalization as a Form of Denial and Self Deception

Gradually, Tania's therapist began to explore with Tania's original rationalizations about her husband's  viewing of pornography and how it, initially, prevented her from seeing that the problem was much worse than she suspected.

Tania's therapist helped Tania to see that she wasn't ready initially to see what was happening and how it was affecting her marriage.  At the time, it would have been too overwhelming for her, so the defense mechanism of denial protected her from seeing the truth.

It took a while for Tania to overcome the shame that she felt about her denial.  But, over time, she developed a compassion for herself.  She also realized that her husband had a sexual addiction and he would need to continue in therapy to deal with the underlying issues.

Over time, Tania and her husband remained together and eventually went to couples counseling to put their life back together again.

Conclusion
Although defense mechanisms are often perceived as being negative, defense mechanisms, like rationalization, serve a protective function.

People often use defense mechanisms unconsciously because dealing with the truth is often too overwhelming at the time.

But, like other defense mechanisms, after a while the protective function of rationalizations get in the way of emotional healing.

In the fictionalized scenario above, if Tania had continued to use rationalizations about her husband's behavior, she would never have faced what was really happened, she wouldn't have given him an ultimatum and he wouldn't have gotten help to overcome his problems so they could start to do put their life back together again.

Getting Help in Therapy
Defense mechanisms, like rationalizations, are usually unconscious.

An experienced therapist need to use tact and clinical skill to help clients who are defending against seeing problems in their lives.

Self deception, in its many guises, is a common problem for many people.

If you have a sense that you've been stuck with intractable problems, possibly due to denial on your part, you could benefit from working with a therapist who understands this process and can help you to explore the underlying issues involved.

Overcoming rationalization as a form of self deception can be difficult at first but, ultimately, it can free you to lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: The Benefits of Therapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Experiencing Chronic Stress and Not Aware of It?

In my prior article, How Do You Know When You're Under Too Much Stress?, I began a discussion about enduring overwhelming stress.  As I mentioned in that article, there are many people, who have lived with chronic stress all their lives, who don't recognize when they're overwhelmed by stress.  It just feels "normal" to them.

Are You Experiencing Chronic Stress and Not Aware of It?

But there are definitely psychological and health-related consequences to longstanding chronic stress.

In this article, I'm exploring this dynamic by giving a fictionalized clinical vignette to illustrate how people who experience chronic stress can be unaware of it and what can be done to overcome this problem:

Ina
Ina started therapy after she saw her doctor for debilitating headaches and chest pains and medical tests ruled out any underlying medical problems.  Her doctor told Ina that the cause of her headaches and chest pain was stress and recommended that she start therapy (see my article: Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Are You Experiencing Chronic Stress and Not Aware of It?

Ina had never been to therapy before, so she wasn't sure what to expect, but her therapist provided Ina with psychoeducation about therapy and helped her to understand how therapy could help.

During the next two sessions, Ina talked about her family history.  Although her family history was filled with many losses and significant emotional trauma, Ina talked about it in a matter-of-fact way without much emotion.  She was very emotionally detached from her own childhood history.

When her therapist reflected back to Ina, Ina seemed surprised.  She had never thought of her childhood history as being particularly traumatic.  In fact, she had not thought much about it at all.  In response to her therapist, she shrugged her shoulders and said, "That's just the way it was."

Part of her early history was that Ina had to over-function for both of her parents because they both had serious problems with alcohol.

As the oldest, Ina took it upon herself to cook, clean and take care of her younger siblings--starting at the age of 10.  She told her therapist, "If I didn't do it, no one would have done it.  I couldn't just let my brothers and sisters starve or not go to school."

Ina was so detached from that younger part of herself that was emotionally and physically neglected and who had to mature beyond her years that she didn't realize that she had paid a psychological and physical price for taking on this role.

Since she couldn't see it for herself, her therapist asked Ina how she would feel if one of her own young children had to take on these adult responsibilities at such a young age and without help from any other adults.

At that point, Ina began to cry because even though she was detached from her own early childhood trauma, she cared very much for her children and she never would want them to have to go through the same thing as she did.

It was only when Ina was able to see her situation from the point of view of her own children that she realized that what happened to her was traumatic.

In the following therapy sessions, her therapist talked to Ina about the ACE study, which was an extensive study which showed how experiencing early childhood trauma could lead to stress-related psychological and physical problems.

After that, Ina began to open up more and she was able to talk about how hard it was for her and how anxious she was all the time because she didn't know how to do half the things she was doing for her siblings.  She worried all the time that she might get it wrong and they would suffer in some way.

In many ways, Ina still worried excessively about her siblings--even though they were all doing well as adults.  So, her therapist realized that Ida was emotionally stuck in the past.  Even though she knew that her siblings were all doing well now, she still had the same worries as when she was a child.

When her therapist pointed this out to her, Ina was surprised because she never thought of this before.  She realized that her therapist was right--there really was no need to worry about her siblings anymore.  Then, she became curious about why she was continuing to worry.

Her therapist explained to Ina that she had learned to habitually worry about her siblings and her emotions had not caught up with the present.  She was still worrying as if she was living in the past.

Are You Experiencing Chronic Stress and Not Aware of It?

Over time, Ina learned had to take better care of herself.  Her therapist taught her how to meditate.  She also began exercising at the gym.

Her therapist also talked to Ina about how EMDR therapy could help Ina to work through her unresolved childhood trauma so that she wouldn't have to continue to live in the past (see my articles:

As Ina and her therapist did EMDR therapy, Ina noticed that her chest pain had disappeared and her headaches were infrequent.

Gradually, Ina worked through a childhood of trauma and loss and, as she did, she was under much less stress.  It was as if a big weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

It was only after she experienced much less stress that she realized how much stress she had been carrying around inside of her.  She was able to relax more, sleep better and enjoy life more.

Conclusion
A lifetime of chronic stress can take a heavy toll on you both physically and emotionally.

Chronic stress can become increasingly debilitating over time.

Many people who have experienced childhood trauma and loss become "shutdown" to just how much stress they're experiencing.

This makes sense when you realize that, as children, they didn't have many options if they wanted to survive.  Like "Ina," they did what they had to do without much awareness of the toll that it was taking on them.

Medical doctors who are savvy about the mind-body connection know that many (if not most) medical complaints that their patients have are stress related.  After they have eliminated any underlying medical cause, they know that their patients need psychological help--not medical help--and they refer them to a psychotherapist.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you recognize yourself in the vignette above, you're not alone.  Millions of people have had similar experiences.  The unfortunate thing is that most of them never realize that their symptoms have psychological roots.  They often go from one medical doctor to another for "the answer."

As a child, you might have survived your circumstances by not allowing yourself to be conscious of how bad the situation was and how it was affecting you.

Often, it's not until you're an adult that you begin to experience the stress-related symptoms.

Although it's helpful to go to the gym and use other self care techniques, if you have the kind of childhood history that "Ida" had, those self care techniques aren't enough to overcome the trauma.  They can help temporarily to overcome the stress, but the psychological trauma will still be there just under the surface waiting to be triggered by a current situation.

If you can identify with the vignette above, you can take the first step to overcome these stress related  problems by setting up a consultation with a psychotherapist.

By working through your unresolved childhood trauma in therapy, you can live a more fulfilling life free from your history.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Recognizing the Signs When You're Under Too Much Stress

I've written about stress management in other articles, including: 

How Your Stress Can Affect Your Spouse and Children

Finding Inner Peace During Stressful Times

 Soothing Techniques to Use When You're Under a Lot of Stress.  

In this article, I'm focusing on learning to recognize when you're stress level is too high.

Recognizing the Signs When You're Under Too Much Stress

Why Wouldn't Someone Know When They're Under Too Much Stress?
It might seem unusual to pose the question of how you know when you're under too much stress.  After all, many people recognize the symptoms and complain about being too frazzled.

But people who have endured acute stress from childhood often don't recognize when their stress level is too high because they're so accustomed to acute stress and don't recognize it as being an unhealthy state.  It feels "normal" to them.  But enduring acute stress on a long term basis can have negative medical and psychological consequences.  I'll address these issues of in my next article.

One of the best ways to recognize that you're under too much stress is to observe the physical and psychological symptoms that are telltale signs of being under an unhealthy level of stress.

Many of these signs and symptoms can also involve other medical or psychological issues so, when in doubt, check with your medical doctor.

Warning Signs That You're Under Too Much Stress

Physical Symptoms:

• Insomnia
• Loss of appetite
• Eating too much
• Muscle tension, aches and pains, including shoulder and back pain
• Muscle spasms
• Upset stomach, including diarrhea, constipation, nausea 
• Irritable Bowel Syndrome
• Rapid heartbeat and/or chest pain
• Clenched jaw and grinding teeth, especially at night
• Nightmares
• Heartaches
• Feeling tired most of the time
• Low Energy most of the time
• Difficulty relaxing, even when tired
• High blood pressure
• Difficulty breathing
• Dry mouth and difficulty swallowing
• Low libido, problems with sexual performance
• Nervousness, shakiness, cold or sweaty hands and feet
• Nail biting
• Fidgeting
• Pacing back and forth

How Do You Know When You're Under Too Much Stress?

Psychological Symptoms:

• Feeling agitated, frustrated or moody
• Losing your temper easily
• Snapping at others
• Feeling easily overwhelmed
• Finding it difficulty to relax and quiet the mind
• Racing thoughts
• Isolating and avoiding others
• Feeling less pleasure in socializing or engaging in things that were once pleasurable
• Feeling hopeless
• Feeling helpless
• Feeling worthless/low self esteem
• Feeling depressed 
• Feeling pessimistic or only seeing the negative side of things
• Feeling anxious 
• Worrying persistently
• Feeling fearful and emotionally vulnerable
• Abusing alcohol or drugs
• Being forgetful 
• Having problems focusing

Social Isolation: One of the Signs That You Might Be Under Too Much Stress

These are just some of the many telltale signs of being under too much stress and, as I mentioned earlier, some of these symptoms can be related to other medical and/or psychological problems.

Lifestyle Changes For Stress Management
There are lifestyle changes that you can make to help you manage your stress.

See my articles:

• Stress Management: Taking Time For Self Care

• Managing Your Stress: Coping With Workplace Burnout

• Self Reflection and Basic Mindfulness

• Learning to Relax: Square Breathing 

• Mind-Body Connection: Can Yoga Improve Your Mood?

• Journal Writing to Relieve Stress and Anxiety

Next Article in the Psychotherapy Blog
In the next article, I'll be focusing specifically on people who grew up as children in families where there was chronic stress and the challenges that they have in recognizing when they're under too much stress as adults.

Conclusion
A certain amount of healthy stress is necessary to live life.

But chronic stress has a way of creeping up on you without you even being aware of it. Over time, chronic stress can have a physical and psychological debilitating effect.

If you're experiencing some of the symptoms mentioned above, you would be wise to consult with your medical doctor to rule out any medical problems since there are many medical issues that have the same symptoms.

Getting Help in Therapy
If your doctor has ruled out medical issues and you've made healthy lifestyle changes, but you're still overwhelmed by stress, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled, licensed psychotherapist can help you to get to the root of your problems so you can learn to manage your stress (see my articles: The Benefits of Therapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Getting help in therapy can make all the difference in the quality of your life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to get to the root of their problems so they could manage their stress and live more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Is It Time to Reevaluate Your Therapy?

I've written many articles for this psychotherapy blog about how to find a psychotherapist that's right for you, and how you know if your therapy is working for you.

See my articles: 

How to Choose a Psychotherapist

Psychotherapy: Psychotherapists Listening and Learning From Clients

Psychotherapy: How Talking to a Psychotherapist is Different From Talking to a Frien

Being Honest With Your Psychotherapist  

In this article, I'm focusing on how you know if you need to reevaluate your therapy and recognizing some of the possible signs that your therapy might not be working for you.

Is It Time to Reevaluate Your Therapy?  Warning Sign:  Therapist Frequently  Falls Asleep in  Session

Consider Reevaluating Your Therapy Under the Following Circumstances:

• Your therapist misrepresented his or her skills, which you discover after you begin therapy.
• Your therapist lacks the professional skills to help you and is working outside the scope of his or her expertise.
• Your therapist lacks empathy for your problems.
• Your therapist doesn't respect your ethnic, religious, racial or cultural background.
• Your therapist talks too much about him or herself in your sessions.
• Your therapist hardly talks at all and you feel alone.
• Your therapist frequently falls asleep during your sessions.
• Your therapist can't remember basic information about you from one session to the next, and you have to keep repeating your story.
• Your therapist tries to be your friend instead of your therapist.
• Your therapist doesn't like that you're developing other sources of emotional support among healthy family members and friends.
• Your therapist frequently takes non-emergency calls during your sessions.
• Your therapist often misses appointments or shows up late.
• Your therapist has a belittling or dismissive attitude towards you.
• Your therapist uses your sessions to try to get advice from you during your sessions (e.g., you're a financial advisor and therapist tries to get financial advice).
• Your therapist thinks that his or her method of doing therapy is "the only way."
• Your therapist doesn't continue to develop his or her professional skills at seminars, workshops or online.
• Your therapist pressures you to confront family members when either you're not ready or you know it would be dangerous to do so.
• Your therapist promises you that you will be "cured" of your problem by seeing him or her.
• Your therapist breaks confidentiality by naming other clients.
• Your therapist breaks confidentiality by providing information about you without your permission or without a mandate.

Recognize even more serious "red flags" about your therapy under the following circumstances:

• Your therapist crosses boundaries by being seductive or trying to initiate a sexual relationship with you (see my article: Boundary Violations and Sexual Exploitation in Psychotherapy).
• Your therapist's license has been revoked.
• Your therapist has no license at all and never had one.
• Your therapist tries to borrow money from you.
• Your therapist appears to be emotionally unstable.
• Your therapist appears to be impaired on alcohol or drugs during your sessions.
• Your therapist attempts to push his or her religion on you.
• Your therapist becomes too emotional when you talk about your problems.
• Your therapist is frequently late or doesn't show up for your appointments.

Serious "Red Flags" in Your Therapy: Sexual Boundary Violations

Under the first category of items, if you've expressed your concern and your therapist hasn't changed his or her behavior or attitude, it's your right to tell your therapist that the therapy isn't working for you and you'll be seeking other help.

Under the second category of items, the "red flag" items, these problems in therapy are serious enough for you to discontinue therapy and look for someone else, especially in cases of serious boundary violations.

Conclusion
It's not always easy to recognize these problems, especially when you're in a vulnerable state, which is why I hope this article will be helpful to clients who aren't sure if they need to reevaluate or leave their therapy.

I have been a psychotherapist for over 20 years and I've known many therapists.  I believe that the vast majority of therapists are caring, qualified and ethical professionals.  Most therapists enter the field because they feel a calling to help clients and use their expertise in an appropriate and professional manner.

But, just as there are unethical people in any profession, there are cases where some therapists shouldn't be in the profession.

Even if none of these circumstances apply, if you think you're not making progress in therapy after a reasonable time, you've discussed this with your therapist and you still don't know how your therapist is going to help you to overcome your problem, consider that you and your therapist just might not be a good fit or your therapist lacks the skills to help you.

Making a change in your therapy can feel daunting, but continuing to work with a therapist when the therapy isn't right for you is a waste of your time and money.

If you find yourself in one of these unfortunate circumstances in your therapy and you're not sure what to do, it might be wise to have a consultation with an experienced, objective therapist to talk over your concerns so you can make a decision about what to do.

Finding the Right Therapist Can Make All the Difference For Your Emotional Healing

Once you've found a psychotherapist that is the right therapist for you, it can make all the difference in your journey toward healing.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my articles:
The Therapist's Empathic Attunement in Therapy

Asking For What You Need in Therapy

Empowering Clients in Therapy - Part 1

Empowering Clients in Therapy - Part 2: Clinical Issues

Beyond the "Band Aid" Approach in Therapy

Ruptures and Repairs in Therapy

Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference: When You "Fall In Love" With Your Therapist
What is EMDR Therapy?

Are You in a Codependent Relationship With Your Ex?

In a prior article, Is Your Boyfriend Stuck in a Codependent Relationship With His Ex?, I explored this dynamic from the perspective of someone who is in a current relationship with someone who is still codependent with his ex.

I've also written other articles about codependency (see my articles: Overcoming Codependency: Taking Care of Yourself First, How to Stop Being the "Rescuer" in Your Family of Origin and Exploring Secondary Gains of Codependency).  In this article, I'm looking at the same issue from the perspective of the person who is stuck in a codependent relationship with his or her ex. 

Are You in a Codependent Relationship With Your Ex?

We all know that breakups are hard, especially at the beginning.  They're even harder when codependency is involved.  Codependency can be emotional, financial, sexual or any other form of dependency that two people can get into together.

When two people have been codependent upon one another, it's especially difficult to end the relationships because neither person has learned to be independent.

This is often the result of childhood emotional neglect or abuse where emotional needs weren't met (see my article: Understanding Your Emotional Needs).

This dynamic can also be the result of growing up in an enmeshed family that fostered codependent relationships (see my article:  Enmeshed Families and Shame).

For the person who is doing the "rescuing," s/he often believes that the ex can't survive alone.  Except in the most dire circumstances, this is usually not the case.  But it's a way for the "rescuer" to delude him or herself into thinking that s/he must remain involved, even if it's not a romantic involvement.

One of the problems with this is that the "rescuer" is so focused on the ex's needs that s/he doesn't look at his or her own needs to continue to be involved.  The "rescuer" looks like the "strong one," but s/he is just as dependent as the ex, if not more so.

Continuing to "rescue" the ex doesn't allow the "rescuer" to grow as an individual or to develop a new relationship.  And even if s/he does manage to get involved in a new relationship, the codependent dynamics with the ex can interfere with the new relationship.

This sets the stage for triangulation between the "rescuer," the new partner and the ex with all the problems engendered in that dynamic.

Often, this is a way of the "rescuer" from being fully committed in the new relationship.  Most of the time this isn't a conscious choice.  It's usually unconscious.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario and see how these dynamics play out:

Bill, Meg and Ellen:
After being in a tumultuous relationship with Meg for over three years, Bill ended the relationship with much difficulty.

Bill was exhausted from trying to help Meg through constant emotional crises, and he knew he couldn't remain in the relationship anymore.

Initially, when they met, Bill thought Meg was an intelligent, charming woman who "had it all together."  He admired her passion for her business and how knowledgeable she seemed about the industry.

But within a few months of their dating, Meg called late one night in tears to tell him that she was heavily in debt and unable to meet her basic personal or business expenses. She was crying hysterically and she didn't know what to do.

Bill was completely taken off guard because this was the first time that Meg had revealed that she was in trouble.  Before this, she had led him to believe that she was doing very well.  But in this phone call she told him that she was too ashamed to tell him, at first, that she was in trouble and it was now to the point where she might be evicted from her home and her office.

Bill helped Meg go through her bills, and he agreed to lend Meg the money to get on her feet, and Meg gratefully accepted his loan.

Are You in a Codependent Relationship With Your Ex?

Little did Bill know that this was the beginning of a slippery slope where Meg was in constant crisis and Bill was her "rescuer."

During the next three years, it was one thing after another:

• Meg was having problems with the IRS because she didn't file her income tax, so Bill paid for a tax accountant to bail her out.
• Meg had an argument with her mother, who had lent Meg money and now wanted it back, so Bill intervened as a mediator and paid Meg's mother back.
• Meg's top salesperson walked out on Meg because she felt that Meg was verbally abusive, so Bill intervened to smooth things over.
• Meg couldn't sleep at night, so she would call Bill at all hours of the night and he would calm her down.
• Meg went to the ER numerous times with chest pains and each time the doctors told her that it was anxiety and she should see a therapist, but she refused to get help in therapy and insisted each time that Bill accompany her, which he felt obligated to do it.

By the third year, Bill was emotionally and physically exhausted from all the chaos.  He knew that he was in an unhealthy relationship with Meg.  He pleaded with her to see a therapist, but she refused. She felt that all she needed was Bill.

He thought long and hard about breaking up with Meg, but he didn't know how she would get along without him.  Finally, he started therapy because he felt conflicted about whether to stay or leave the relationship.

Even though Bill wanted to focus on Meg, his therapist helped Bill to keep the focus on himself and his own need to be in this relationship.

At first, he was very uncomfortable looking at his own dynamics in the relationship.  He had been taught as a child that it was "selfish" to think about yourself first and that others should always come first.

Bill's therapist helped him to develop the internal resources before going deeper into his own personal history and how it affected him in his current relationship (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills in Therapy).

When his therapist thought he was ready, she used a technique in clinical hypnosis called the Affect Bridge to help Bill make an emotional and physical connection to the current situation and his childhood history.

His therapist wasn't surprised when Bill discovered that he had a similar relationship with Meg as he did with his mother.

From a young age, Bill became a "parentified child" as his mother got into one crisis after another and Bill tried to help his mother overcome her problems.  It was as if he was the parent and she was the child.

It became very clear to Bill that he couldn't continue in his relationship with Meg, especially since she refused to get help, because it was affecting him physically and emotionally and it was a repetition of a childhood trauma.  So, he and his therapist talked about how he would end the relationship with Meg.

It took a few more months before Bill could summon the courage to tell Meg that he wanted to end the relationship, but when he did, Meg became enraged.  She was no longer the charming, loving girlfriend.  She became angry and vindictive.  She threatened to call his boss and tell him lies to get Bill fired.  She left voicemail messages on Bill's cellphone with all kinds of other threats.

Bill was shocked to see this other side of Meg, and he kept his distance.  But he also felt very guilty and wondered how Meg would get along without him.

In the meantime, he continued to see his therapist and worked on maintaining his resolve not to call Meg.

A few months later, Meg stopped calling Bill.  He was still worried about her, and he felt guilty, but he didn't call her.  Soon after that, he met another woman, Ellen, whom he really liked and began dating.

His relationship with Ellen was warming, loving and harmonious.  It had none of the emotional drama that was involved in his relationship with Meg (see my article: Hooked on Emotional Drama: Getting Off the Roller Coaster).

Even though he had not spoken with Meg in several months, Bill still wondered how she was doing.  Since Meg was no longer calling him and threatening, he thought it wouldn't be a problem to call her briefly to find out how she was doing.

His therapist was away, so he couldn't discuss it with her, so he decided to give Meg a friendly call.  But as soon as he got Meg on the phone, she began yelling and threatening him again.

Are You in a Codependent Relationship With Your Ex?

He told her that he had only called to find out how she was doing, but he was going to hang up because she was becoming abusive.

Then, Meg broke down in tears and told Bill that she was sorry for everything, that she was miserable without him, she was lonely and she had no one to turn to.

A few weeks later when Bill talked about this phone call in his next therapy session, he told his therapist how he felt himself irresistibly pulled in again, and he began to meet Meg for coffee to listen to her problems without telling Ellen.

But Ellen soon found out and she ended their relationship because he kept his visits with Meg a secret from her.  Bill pleaded with Ellen to take him back but, inwardly, he felt caught between his Ellen and Meg.  He knew that he loved Ellen and his relationship with her was a healthier relationship, but he also felt compelled to continue to help Meg.

Bill's therapist helped him to see his own codependent emotional needs at the point when he called Meg again, and he took responsibility for recreating this problem in his life.  He wanted to be with Ellen, but he just didn't know how he could "abandon" Meg (see my article: Why Understanding Your Problems Isn't Enough to Change Them).

After working on this issue for several months and working through the original childhood trauma with EMDR Therapy, Bill felt ready to let go of his role as Meg's "rescuer" (see my article: What is Adjunctive EMDR Therapy?)

Deep down, he also knew that by continuing to bail her out of situations, he was enabling Meg to continue to get into one crisis after another and she would never take responsibility for her life.

After a few weeks, Meg's desperate calls stopped and Bill breathed a sigh of relief.  For the first time, he felt that, even though he felt compassionate towards Meg, he wasn't responsible for her and she would have to work out her own problems without him.

When he recontacted Ellen and told her about the work he did in therapy, she agreed to meet with him so they could talk.  After meeting a few times to talk, they started dating again and resumed their relationship.

Conclusion
The fictionalized scenario about Bill, Meg and Ellen demonstrates that the roots of codependent relationships are usually found in early childhood relationships.

This is often what makes these relationships so compelling--not only are you experiencing the emotions related to the current situation but, on an unconscious level, you're also experiencing old childhood wounds.

The combination of the conscious emotions and the older unconscious emotions can be very powerful.

This is why it's so important to work through the earlier childhood trauma--otherwise, you can get out of one codependent relationship and go right into another one without even realizing it.

It's not always obvious from the start of a relationship that it will turn into a codependent relationship.  Often, people put their best foot forward at the beginning and only later reveal their need to be "rescued."  And often you don't feel the need to "rescue"at the beginning of the relationship, but it can develop with time.

The most important step you can take, if you find yourself in a codependent relationship, is to put the focus back on yourself and recognize how you're being affected by the relationship (see my article: Losing Yourself in a Relationship).

While it might seem that your partner (or your ex) is the "needy one," this is an illusion.  The person who is doing the "rescuing" has an emotional need to be in this dynamic just as much as the person who is living a crisis-oriented, chaotic life.

These relationships are often hard to let go of by yourself because the emotions can be so overpowering.

Even when you have managed to end a codependent relationship and you're in a healthier relationship, it's not unusual to feel compelled to go back to the former relationship or get involved with "rescuing" again.

Getting Help in Therapy
Getting help from a licensed mental health professional, who has experience with helping people in codependent relationships, can make all the difference between remaining in an unhealthy relationship which is draining you emotionally and physically and living a healthier, happier life.

Getting Help in Therapy

Take the first step to get help by setting up a therapy consultation.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people overcome codependent dynamics.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.