Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

There are no rules about grief.  Everyone grieves in his or her own way.  At the same time, many people come to therapy because they sense that they're not allowing themselves to let go of their grief and they remain in a lot of emotional pain.  There are many reasons why people hold onto grief.  It's not unusual for people to hold onto grief as a way to stay connected to a deceased loved one, and this type of holding on often has a detrimental effect on the person grieving as well as their loved ones.

Holding Onto Grief as a Way of Staying Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

In prior articles, I've written about grief, including: Coping With the Loss of a Loved One: Common Reactions, Complicated Grief, Grief in Waiting and Allowing Room For Grief.

The type of grief that I'm describing in this article is a grief that often feels almost as painful now as it did when the loss occurred years before.  This often happens because the person who is grieving is actively holding onto the grief, usually unconsciously.  

Discovering the unconscious reasons for actively holding onto the grief is part of the work in therapy.

The following fictionalized vignette, which represents many different cases, illustrates this dynamic:

Mary

When Mary came to therapy, she had lost her father three years before.  She described the emotional pain of her loss as being almost as intense as it had been when she first lost him.

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

She came to therapy because she knew on some level that there was more going on for her than just the grief that she felt for her father, but she didn't know what it was.

She had been to therapy before to try to deal with this loss, but none of her prior attempts in therapy helped her.

She kept ruminating about the last time that she saw her father in the hospital and blaming herself for not "doing more" to help him.

When asked what she felt she could have done, she had only a vague idea.  Her father was in the hospital because he had a heart attack after years of neglecting his health and not listening to his doctors to lose weight.

Even though Mary tried to encourage her father to adopt a healthier lifestyle, he continued to smoke and eat foods that his doctor told him weren't good for him.

The reality was that there was nothing that Mary could have done to make her father change his ways, but she remained stuck in thinking that she might not have done enough, and if only she had done more, maybe he would be alive today.

Mary knew that, since her father died, she wasn't paying as much attention to her husband and her daughter, but she felt powerless to change how she felt about the loss of her father and about moving on in her life.

During the first year, her husband was very understanding about her sorrow.  But after that, he started complaining to her that he felt she wasn't emotionally present for him and their daughter.  He told her  that he felt this wasn't fair to him or to their daughter.

Mary understood why her husband felt this way, and she felt guilty for not being as emotionally present  for her family.  She loved her husband and daughter very much, and there was a part of her that wanted to be more present.  But there was also a part of her that wanted to continue to grieve for her father.

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

As an only child, when she was growing up, she knew that both of her parents loved her.  But she and her father had a special bond.  She felt that he understood her in a way that no one else ever would--not even her husband.  

Losing that sense of being loved unconditionally, in the way her father loved her, was one of the biggest losses when her father died.  From the time she was a child and throughout adulthood, she knew she could go to her father with any problem and he would never judge her.  

Even talking about this aspect of her loss was excruciatingly painful, even though she had talked about this many times before in her prior therapies.

In many types of therapy, especially cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), a therapist would try to get Mary to see that she wasn't accepting the loss of her father and, until she accepted it, she would continue to suffer.

While this might be true in the most practical sense, this counteractive type of approach is rarely, if ever, helpful for someone who is stuck in unremitting grief.  It usually results in the person who is grieving feeling that they're "wrong" for being unable to let go of their sadness or feeling misunderstood.  This often induces guilt and shame.

A counteractive approach, like CBT, attempts to appeal to the rational part of the brain.  But the problem is that these stuck emotions are in the emotional part of the brain, and counteractive therapies, like CBT, which might be good for other problems, don't work as well when someone is stuck in protracted grief.

CBT might help a client understand their problem on a rational level, but the problem persists on an emotional level.

Rather than using CBT or another form of counteractive therapy, we used an experiential therapy, EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, to help Mary process her grief (see my articles: How EMDR Works, Experiential Therapy, Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs and EMDR Therapy: When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough).

Using EMDR, Mary was able to access the unconscious reasons why she had been, until then, unwilling to let go of her grief.  The main reason was that, even though her grief was deeply painful, her sadness kept her emotionally connected to her father.

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to Deceased Loved Ones

If she wasn't feeling her grief as intensely, she wouldn't feel as connected to her father.  But she also experienced during EMDR therapy what an emotional toll this was taking on her, her husband and her daughter and, for the first time since her father died, she was willing to let go.

Processing her grief with EMDR therapy wasn't easy or quick for Mary but, gradually, she felt a reduction in her grief.

For the first time, she was willing to accept on an emotional level that her father was gone and she would never see him again as well as all the implications of that, including that no one would ever love her in the same way that her father did.

But she also knew that she was loved very much by her husband, daughter, close friends and family members, and she loved them.

She became aware that she wasn't as powerless over her grief as she felt originally.  Her willingness to let go was a significant step in this psychological process.

As her grief subsided, she felt as if a great weight had been lifted from her.  She also discovered that she felt more like herself and she was more emotionally available to her loved ones.

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

Whenever she thought of her father, she still felt sad, but it was no longer the crushing grief that it had been before EMDR therapy.

Conclusion
Grief can feel overwhelming for some people, even years after the loss.

For these people, counteractive therapy, like CBT, isn't helpful in many cases because it doesn't provide emotional relief.

EMDR therapy allowed Mary to discover the unconscious reasons why she was holding onto her grief and she decided that she was willing to let go.  EMDR also helped her to complete the mourning process so that her emotional burden was lifted and she was more emotionally available to her family.

Grieving for the loss of loved one is never easy.  It's common to feel sadness, anger, regret and a host of other feelings about the loss.

The Grieving Process

Many people go through the mourning process and within time they're able to resume their life and their relationships.  This doesn't mean that they're not sad when they think of their loss, but they're able to resume functioning in their lives.

For some people, the grieving process becomes protracted over years and it has a detrimental effect on close relationships and everyday life.

Once these unconscious reasons are discovered, people usually realize that, rather than being helpless over their feelings, they have a sense of agency and responsibility.  They can ask themselves if they're willing to let go of the grief.

Often when the pain of holding onto grief becomes greater than letting it go, most people who are experiencing protracted grief become willing to let go.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have been struggling on your own to overcome your grief, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who specializes in helping clients to overcome loss.

Being able to let go of grief will allow you to resume your life and your relationships again.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

One of my areas of expertise is working with grief and loss.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Afraid to Allow Yourself to Be Happy?

Even though it might sound counter intuitive at first, there are many people who are afraid to allow themselves to be happy.

Are You Afraid to Allow Yourself to Be Happy?

Why Would People Be Afraid to Be Happy?
Doesn't everyone want to be happy?  You might think so but, psychologically speaking, many people experience a sense of fear or dread when good things happen to them.

The reasons for this vary.  I've listed below some of the most common reasons why people are afraid to allow themselves to be happy.  As you read them, you might be surprised to discover that you identify with some of things on the list or you know someone who might:

• Feeling Undeserving of Being Happy:  There are many people that feel they don't deserve to be happy.  Often, this is the result of traumatic experiences where the person feels that s/he is unlovable in some way.  Whatever the reason, whenever something positive happens that would normally make someone else feel happy, the person who feels undeserving can't allow him or herself to take in the good feelings.

• Fearing Getting Caught "Off Guard":   There are people who are too afraid to allow themselves to be happy because they're afraid that if they let down their guard to let in positive feelings, they're going to be caught "off guard" when something bad happens.  There is a fear that at any moment, while they're enjoying the positive feelings, misfortune is just around the corner and when they least expect it, they'll feel caught unaware and unprepared.  Usually people who experience this have had one or more unresolved traumatic experiences that have created this fear, and they never want to be unprepared again.  So, they would rather sacrifice positive feelings than be shocked again by misfortune.

Fear of Being Caught Off Guard

• Feeling Good is Uncomfortable:  People who are uncomfortable with happy or positive feelings have a hard time allowing themselves to take in those feelings.  If they get a compliment or positive recognition, they squirm and can't allow themselves to enjoy it.  Often, these feelings are unfamiliar and uncomfortable to them because they never learned at an early age to accept feeling good.  But "negative" feelings  are a different story because those are more familiar.

• Fearing that If Something Good Happens, It Will Be Followed By Something Bad:  People who are afraid to allow themselves to feel happy often fear that misfortune will follow good fortune.  Sometimes this is because they've grew up in a chaotic and dysfunctional household where there were lots of ups and downs.  For other people it's a sense that if they don't want to "tempt the fates."

Fear That Something Bad Will Happen

• Feeling Good Brings Up Feelings About Unmet Emotional Needs:  People who have experienced abuse and/or neglect as children will often say that when they allow themselves to be happy, it brings up memories of times when they were younger and their emotional needs weren't met.  It's as if they have a sense of emptiness, which they're normally unaware of, arises to remind them that the happiness that they feel now is only a drop in the ocean as compared to the emotional deprivation that they experienced.

• Fearing That Happiness or Good Fortune Can't Be Trusted:  People who have this fear feel they can't really trust positive emotions because the rug could be pulled out from under them at any time.  Usually, this is based on earlier experiences in a chaotic and unpredictable home environment that leaves them wary of allowing themselves to feel happy.

In my next article, I'll elaborate on this topic with a vignette.

Getting Help in Therapy
Living your life with fear of allowing yourself to be happy is an emotionally depriving and unsatisfying way of life.

Whether you numb yourself emotionally or you live with debilitating anxiety, you're not allowing yourself to experience life to its fullest.

Rather than continuing to live in fear, you could be helped by a licensed mental health professional who knows how to work with people who are afraid to allow themselves to be happy.

Being able to let go of this fear will feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted from you and you'll be free to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome their fear of allowing themselves to be happy.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Trauma: Becoming Aware of Emotional Triggers

Prior to coming to therapy, most people, who have underlying emotional trauma, are unaware of the emotional triggers that can cause them to react to what is going on now as if they were living in the past (see my article:  Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past and Overcoming Trauma: When the Past is in the Present).

Coping With Trauma: Becoming Aware of Emotional Triggers 

When your brain is reacting automatically to something happening in the present as if you were back in the past, it can be very confusing, especially if you're not in therapy.

You might not understand what's happening to you.  You might not even be aware that your reaction is based on the past and not in the present.

Developing an Awareness of Your Emotional Triggers in Therapy
Often, people come to therapy to deal with difficult situations in the present, but they don't realize, at first, that the situation is triggering their past.  They just know that they're having a difficult time in a particular situation, which could be in their personal life or at work.

Sometimes, they're aware that their reaction to a particular situation is out of proportion to what's going on now, which is usually a sign that there is an earlier incident (or incidents) that is triggering the current emotional response.

Other people might be completely unaware of the earlier incidents and they deal with the current situation at face value.

A therapist, who is trained to listen for underlying trauma, can often detect the signs of earlier trauma and would broach this with the client.

Even if the therapist isn't sure if there is earlier trauma, there are ways in therapy to discover whether there is an earlier trauma and if that trauma is what's being emotionally triggered in the current situation (see my article:  Bridging Back to Discover Old Emotional Wounds).

If there is an earlier incident (or incidents) that is getting emotional triggered, working on the incident from the past often helps to alleviate the symptoms that are getting triggered in the current situation.

Usually, a trauma therapist will work on the past, the present as well as the anticipated future as it relates to the presenting problem.

A vignette, which is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality, will help to illustrate these points:

Greg
Greg came to therapy because he was having problems at work with his boss, Harry.

Everyone on staff agreed that Harry was difficult to work with, but Greg was having a particularly difficult time, and he often found himself enraged and frustrated with Harry to the point where he was afraid that he would lose his temper and say or do something that would get him fired.

Emotional Triggers:  Staff Meeting With Harry Criticizing Greg

Most people would have problems dealing with a boss like Harry because he was critical and overbearing.  But Greg allowed Harry to really get under his skin.

Whereas other employees looked for the first opportunity to leave the department to get away from Harry, Greg was determined to stay, even though he had better offers.  He was determined to prove to Harry that Harry was "wrong."  Greg was focused on being vindicated.

At that point, Greg couldn't see that he was overly invested in this situation, but his wife, Alice, knew that Greg was overreacting to Harry and she knew that there was something more going on for Greg.

Since Greg was unable to let go of his preoccupation with Harry even on his down time, Alice felt that it was affecting their relationship.  She was the one who recommended that Greg get help in therapy.

Greg's Wife Knew That Greg Was Overreacting and Recommended that He Get Help in Therapy

During his initial consultation, Greg said he wanted to learn stress management techniques to deal with his situation at work.  He recognized that he was under a lot of stress, but he was too immersed in the situation to see that he was overreacting.

He talked about wanting to "prove" to Harry that his criticism of Greg was "wrong."  He was determined to do whatever he had to do to "show Harry" that he was one of the best employees on staff.

Coping With Trauma:  Become Aware of Emotional Triggers:  A Difficult Boss as a Trigger

Even though Greg knew that he was highly regarded by his coworkers, Harry's superiors, and people outside the company in the same industry, Greg maintained a single-minded focus on vindicating himself with Harry.

Greg lacked perspective of how overly invested he was in trying to change someone who clearly wasn't going to change.

My experience as a therapist working with many similar problems is that people often develop limited perspective with only talk therapy when they are so dug into a situation like this.

Talking about the situation would engage Greg's logical mind, but it would have a limited impact on his emotional mind.

Rather than talk therapy, we needed to use experiential therapy (see my article:  Experiential Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

So, in order to determine if the current situation was triggering an earlier situation, we used the bridge back which is often used in clinical hypnosis and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).

I asked Greg to close his eyes and think of a recent memory where he reacted to Harry in the way that he was describing to me.

When Greg said he had a memory in mind, I asked him to notice what emotions came up and where he felt them in his body.  He responded by telling me that he felt anger and frustration and he felt it in his throat and stomach.

Then, I asked Greg to use the emotions that he felt and the awareness of where he felt them in his body and see what earlier memories came up (see my article:  Mind-Body Psychotherapy: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

I told him that he was looking for possible earlier memories where he had the same reaction but, with regard to content of these memories, these older memories didn't have to be the same type of memory.  I asked him to just allow whatever came up to come up without judging or censoring it.

To his surprise, Greg remembered several memories, going back to his childhood with his father.

Greg described his father was being critical and overbearing, like Harry.  His father treated him as if he couldn't do anything right--also similar to Harry.

He remembered feeling angry and frustrated whenever his father criticized him.  He also felt like he always wanted to "show" his father that he was "wrong" and this was his most fervent wish as a child.

Over time, as we continued to work on these earliest memories, Greg became aware that underneath his anger and frustration, he also felt a lot of sadness (see my article: Discovering That Sadness is Often Hidden Underneath Your Anger).

He grieved for what he felt he didn't get emotionally as a child from his father.

Gradually, as we worked through these earlier traumatic memories, Greg became less invested in remaining in his struggle with Harry because Harry became less and less important to him on an emotional level.

We also worked on what Greg wanted for the future (see my article:  Experiencing Your Future Self: The Self You Want to Become).

Coping With Trauma: Becoming Aware of Emotional Triggers

After a few months, Greg accepted another job where he was in charge with a much higher salary and a healthier work environment.  He was much happier.

Greg's childhood memories lost their negative emotional charge, so he was also able to forgive his father, who had mellowed over the years and was no longer the critical father that he had been when Greg was a child.

Coping With Trauma: Becoming Aware of Emotional Triggers

Greg and his wife were also happier together since he was more emotionally available to her when he was at home.

Conclusion
Often, when you're immersed in a situation where you're experiencing a lot of emotion, it can be hard to be objective.

People who are close to you, like a spouse or close friend or relative, might recognize that there seems to be more going on for you than what's happening in the current situation.

Although loved ones can be emotionally supportive, they can't help you to discover if there are unconscious underlying issues that might be getting triggered for you, and they can't help you to work through those issues.

Getting Help in Therapy
Experiential therapy, like EMDR, clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing, can help to make the unconscious conscious in ways that you can't do on your own (see my article:  Psychotherapy: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

If you're struggling with emotional problems that you've been unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who uses experiential therapy.

Freeing yourself from the emotional burdens of the past might be one of the best things that you do for yourself because it will allow you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy Blog: Falling In Love and Fear of Emotional Vulnerability

To fall in love, you have to allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable.  And, yet, even though so many people want love in their lives, they're too afraid to allow themselves to open up to allow themselves to be vulnerable so they can experience the love that they desire.

Falling In Love and Fear of Emotional Vulnerability

Why Is Emotional Vulnerability So Scary?

Many people are afraid to allow themselves to be emotional vulnerable because they're afraid of getting hurt, especially if they've fallen in love before, they felt abandoned, and they got hurt (see my article:  Overcoming Fear of Abandonment).

Fear of rejection is also a factor.  People fear opening themselves up and then being rejected.  

It's not unusual for people who are afraid of getting hurt to shut down emotionally rather than allow themselves to be emotionally vulnerable.

It's a dilemma that's not easy for people to overcome on their own because they're stuck between two difficult choices:  Allowing themselves to open up to love vs. shutting down and remaining alone and lonely (see my article:  An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

Fear of Emotional Vulnerability:  Some People Vacillate Between Opening Up and Shutting Down

In a prior blog article, Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable, I give a scenario that describes this dilemma.

Some people are more sensitive to the possibility of rejection than others.

Many people vacillate between these two choices.  Some people spend their whole lives going back and forth without ever resolving this dilemma for themselves.

The Courage to Be Emotionally Vulnerable

There is no way to have a successful relationship without allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable.

It takes a lot of courage, especially after you've been hurt before, to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open to falling in love again (see my article:  Developing the Courage to Change).

There are no guarantees that you won't get hurt again.  But if you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable, you are guaranteed to be alone.

Emotional Vulnerability and a History of Emotional Trauma

People who have a history of emotional trauma, especially trauma that goes back to childhood, have the hardest time allowing themselves to be emotionally vulnerable.

People who haven't experienced healthy relationships as a child have no personal models to draw on when it comes to choosing and developing a healthy relationship.  So, they end up bonding with others in unhealthy ways.

As a result, they often get into one unhealthy relationship after another which, unfortunately, confirms a feeling that they have that there are no healthy relationships to be had (see my article:  Falling In Love With Mr. Wrong Over and Over Again).

If they never get help to overcome their earlier emotional trauma and their misconceptions about relationships, after many failed attempts, they might opt to remain alone.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you recognize the dynamics that I describe in this article, you're not alone.

Rather than allowing your history of trauma to have a negative effect on you for the rest of your life, you could get help to overcome your fears by seeing a licensed mental health professional who specializes in working with trauma (see my article:  How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Free Yourself of Your History in Therapy: Overcome Your Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable 

Once you're free from your history, you'll be free to allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable in a healthy romantic relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

How to Get Out of a Rut - Part 2: Taking Steps

In my prior article, I began the discussion about getting out of a rut by defining what it is and what it's not as well as some of the common reasons why people get into ruts in their lives.

Taking Steps to Get Out of a Rut

In this article, I'm focusing on some tips that might be helpful to get out of a rut (see my article: Recapturing a Sense of Aliveness).

Since everyone is different, you might find some of these tips more helpful than others and, as I mentioned in my prior article, what might appear like being in a rut might actually be a more serious psychological problem that requires professional help.

For now, let's focus on some of the things that you might be able to do to get yourself out of a rut so you have more of a sense of well-being in your life.

Since many people are afraid that it would take too big an effort to make this kind of change, you can start by looking at one or two areas where you can begin to make small changes that feel do-able.

Tips for Getting Out of a Rut:

• Looking at Your Usual Routines:  Is there some small change that you can make to one of your usual routines?  So, for instance, if you always take the same route to work, what if you took a different route?  What might you see or who might you meet that might be new and different? (see my article:  Being Open to New Experiences).

• Revising Your To-Do List:  If you find that your to-do list is usually so long that you almost never complete it, why not consider revising it so that it's more manageable?  At the same time, you can include some self care items on your list to nurturing yourself.  

• Reflecting on Your Habitual Ways of Thinking:  This requires self reflection and, possibly, some help from a trust friend or relative, who might be helpful to see things about yourself that you might not see. When was the last time that you questioned certain feelings, opinions and values?  Are you able to stand back objectively and consider that you might be thinking and behaving in ways that no longer suit you and your loved ones?  Reflecting on your habitual ways of thinking might help you to see things from a different angle.  Or, after looking at things from a different angle, you might still feel the same.  It's the act of reflection and objectivity that's important.  Maybe you want to try challenging yourself by looking at TV news that you normally don't watch, so that if you normally watch a liberal news broadcast, try watching a more conservative one or vice versa (see my article:  Overcoming the "I'm Too Old to Change" Mindset).

Taking Steps to Get Out of a Rut

• Looking at Your Fear of Change:  Take time to question your fears.  Are your fears amorphous and vague or are they specific?  Are you afraid of specific changes or any type of change?  Take time to write about your fears and, in writing about them, do they stand up to the light of day or do you see certain distortions in your thinking that underlie your fears? (see my article:  Fear of Change).

• Bolstering Your Self Confidence:  Are you going through a period of self doubt because of recent circumstances or is your lack of self confidence a lifelong issue?  Were there other times in your life when you were afraid to make changes but you overcame your fears?  What enabled you do it?  If you can't draw from your own experience, are there people that you admire who have been able to get themselves out of their own ruts?  Are there things that they did that you can borrow that might help to bolster your self confidence.  If there isn't anyone that you know, use your imagination and think of someone that you admire from a TV program, a movie, a book or a historical figure.  How did he or she overcome a lack of self confidence to lead a more fulfilling life? (see my article:  Becoming the Person You Want to Be).

• Looking at the Impact of "Negative People" Around You:  For reasons of their own, many people who struggle with negative thoughts, often unwittingly, have a negative impact on the people around them.  Often these people, who might be depressed or have other psychological problems that they're unaware of, can dampen other people's enthusiasm for new plans or changes in their lives.  This doesn't mean that you should stop being emotionally supportive to friends or family members who are "down."  It does mean that it would be helpful for you to take a look at the impact that they might have on you and learn to distinguish between their unhappiness and how you feel.  In other words, distinguish what emotions belong to them and what belongs to you.  If there are acquaintances in your life who tend to discourage you, you might want to reduce the amount of time that you spend with them, especially if you're trying to get out of a rut yourself (see my article:  Workplace: Being Around Negative Coworkers Can Have a Negative Impact on Your Mood).

• Meeting New People:  If you have a set of friends that you really care about, that's great.  You might also consider getting out to meet new people that might help you to gain a new perspective, learn about new interests, and see new places.  

• Recognizing that Everyday is a New Day:  Your perspective about each day is very important.  If you look at each day as the same as the previous one, you're unlikely to get yourself out of a rut.  But if you look at each day as having the potential for new possibilities, you open yourself up to the possibility of new experiences.

Taking Steps to Get Out of a Rut

What If It's More Than Just Being in a Rut?
As I mentioned in my prior article, sometimes depression and anxiety, as well as other psychological problems, can be the underlying problems for being in a rut.

If you've tried own your own and you've been unsuccessful to try to get yourself on a more even keel, you could benefit from the help of a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy
Going for a consultation with a licensed therapist could help you to address the underlying issues that keep you feeling stuck (see my article:

Rather than continuing to suffer on your own, a licensed mental health professional can help you to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Get Out of a Rut - Part 1

At some point in their lives, most people have the experience of being in a rut.

Getting Out of a Rut

What Does Being in a Rut Mean?
What being in a rut means is different for each person.

For most people, it's the experience of feeling stuck in one or more areas of their lives and not knowing what to do to get out of the rut that they're in.

For others, it's an inexplicable feeling of being bored and, possibly not knowing why.

Since being in a rut is such a vague expression and it can mean different things to different people, let's start by saying, for the purposes of what I mean in this article, what it isn't.

Being in a rut isn't being:

• in a state of major depression
• in a depressive phase of bipolar disorder
• emotionally traumatized
• in a state of grief or mourning
• obsessing due to obsessive compulsive disorder

and so on.

While the psychological conditions that I've mentioned above, as well as other psychological conditions, might have elements that appear similar to being in a rut, these conditions are psychological states that require the assistance of a mental health professional.

As opposed to a serious psychological condition, what I'm addressing in this article has more to do with a feeling of stagnation that many people can pull themselves out of if it's not part of a more serious psychological problem.

Being in a rut can happen so easily because, more than ever, most people feel pressed for time.  They're  busy trying to juggle so many responsibilities and struggling to balance their family life and work.

Being Over Scheduled is Often the Cause of Getting Into a Rut with Too Many Routines

Being in a rut often feels like you're a hamster on a wheel just running in place and not getting anywhere.

Being in a Rut Can Feel Like Being Stuck on a Hamster Wheel

Some Common Reasons for Getting Into a Rut:

• Getting stuck in old routines
• Having too big a to-do list
• Getting stuck in habitual ways of thinking
• Allowing fear of change to get in the way
• Lacking self confidence
• Neglecting to plan for change
• Over planning the same routines
• Suffering with burnout
• Lacking motivation
• Avoiding new experiences
• Allowing too many routines to crowd out time for self care
• Associating only with the same people and not making an effort to meet new people
• Allowing other people's negativity to have too big an influence
• Thinking it will take an overwhelming effort to get out of the rut

In my next article, I'll suggest some ideas that can be helpful to get yourself out of a rut.

Getting Help in Therapy
As I mentioned earlier, it's important to be able to distinguish being in a rut from a psychological issue to be addressed with a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you've tried to overcome your problem on your own without success or you feel your problems involve more than just a temporary feeling of stagnation, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Creating Personal Rituals as Part of Your Emotional Healing Process

In a prior article,  The Power of Creating Personal Rituals, I discussed creating personal rituals and how meaningful rituals can be to enhance a sense of well being.  In this article, I'm focusing specifically on creating rituals for emotional healing.

Creating Personal Rituals as Part of the Healing Process

What is a Ritual?
In the most general terms, life is full of rituals.

Every culture has rituals.  Rituals are usually associated with meaningful religious or cultural observances where there is a ceremonial act or a series of acts that are performed in a certain way. It can be at certain times of the day, month, year or certain seasons.

The acts or words of the ritual are often done in a certain repeated way.  There might be certain places associated with the ritual and particular garments that are worn.

Rituals can be done in groups, as when people from a religious group join together to observe a holiday, or rituals can be a solo observance.

Meaningful rituals usually have a mindful quality to them.

Rituals mark transitions from:

• Childhood to adulthood
• Uninitiated to initiated
• Single to being married
• Life to death
• One season to another
• One state of mind to another

and so on

Most children learn about rituals from a young age.

Children Learn About Rituals at a Young Age:  Bedtime Stories

So, for instance, when I was a young child, my mother would read a book to me before I went to sleep, which is a common ritual that parents have for helping children to transition from day to night and from being awake to relaxing into sleep.  It's also a bonding experience between parent and child.

Artists and writers are often known to have certain rituals (or habits) that they engage in before they write.  It can help them to be more disciplined about doing their work as well as helping them to transition from their everyday thoughts and feelings to their more creative inner world.

You don't have to be a spiritual person or an artist to create a ritual.  In fact, many rituals that people engage in everyday aren't spiritual at all.  Think of your morning ritual, which most people have.  It's easier to transition from sleeping to being awake if you have somewhat of a ritual.

Creating Personal Rituals as Part of Your Emotional Healing Process

Your morning ritual might begin by making coffee or tea, feeling the warmth of the cup, smelling the aroma, and enjoying the first taste as you begin your day.  You might enjoy a few moments before the rest of the family gets up.  Maybe you look out the window and see the sun rising.

Creating Personal Rituals as Part of Your Healing Process

Rituals also don't have to be rigid or dogmatic.  As a matter of fact, it's better if they're not because then they can lose part of what's comforting and meaningful about having a ritual.

Why Are Rituals So Powerful?
Rituals create a bridge between your conscious and unconscious mind.  They appeal to the right side of your brain which is associated with creativity and emotions.  In that sense, a ritual can be emotionally transformative.

Creating Personal Rituals as Part of Your Healing Process

The intention, preparation and structure of the ritual as well as anything that is meaningful to you that you use to create a ritual often creates a transcendent quality that goes beyond you and your everyday concerns.

A ritual, whether done in a group or alone, can also be centering and grounding.  It can help you to relax you and clarify your thoughts and intentions.

In an earlier article, I discussed how setting an intention each day can be powerful (see my article:  Starting the Day With an Intention).

In another article about dream incubation, I discussed how you can set an intention for your dreams (see my article:  Dream Incubation: Planting Seeds), which came out of a dream intensive workshop that I attended with Jungian analyst, Robert Bosnak, who wrote the book, Embodied Imagination.

Dream Incubation as Ritual

Whether you set an intention for an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year or for the rest of your life, just the act of setting an intention is meaningful and helps you to focus on what's important to you.

The repetitiveness of a ritual can also be trance-like so that each time you do a ritual, you enter into a certain internal state, both physically and mentally, that is part of the ritual intention.

Why Create an Emotional Healing Ritual?
There are many ways to heal emotionally:

• Talking to friends and loved ones
• Healing in psychotherapy
• Writing in a personal journal
• Listening to music
• Visiting places that are meaningful to you

and so on

In addition to these other ways of healing, creating a personal healing ritual is empowering because you're creating it yourself in ways that will be healing for you.

A ritual can be as elaborate or as simple as you like.

Creating a ritual is only limited by your imagination.

A ritual can be as simple as doing a particular meditation each day at a certain time.

Meditation as Part of Emotional Healing Ritual

There is a simple meditation that I learned from Nancy Napier, a psychotherapist in NYC, who taught my first year of Somatic Experiencing.

When it was time to begin the class, she would have us get quiet and centered in our bodies.  This settling down and focusing on our internal experience was a transition from whatever we were doing before to being present in a meaningful way in that moment.

After a few moments, she asked us, in a quiet and soft voice, to feel ourselves connecting with all the healers in the city.  Then, gradually she expanded it to include all the healers in the country, and then all the healers in the world.

After this short meditation, the feeling in the room changed.  Everyone looked more relaxed and open to learning.

I often use this meditation at the end of psychotherapy sessions with clients who like it because it's so grounding and centering.  It's especially helpful if we've been working on trauma.  After this meditation, even if trauma work was difficult, clients usually leave the session feeling relaxed.

This is a simple enough meditation that anyone can use it on his or her own.

If you prefer more elaborate rituals, you can use candles, artwork, pictures, poetry, movement, flowers, statues, inspirational sayings, and "props" to help engage your inner world.

Creating Personal Rituals as Part of Your Emotional Healing Process

Some people who have health problem set up a space in their homes where they place objects that are meaningful to whatever they're working on healing.  This space can be a corner of a credenza or it can be a table that is set aside only for this purpose.

Engaging and inspiring your inner world is what's most important in terms of creating a healing ritual.

Rituals don't need to be solemn.  Rituals can be a lot of fun.

You can use humor, if you like, which, in itself, can be healing.  Humor can help to lighten your mood, especially if you've been feeling weighed down by stress or illness.

When you're creating a healing ritual, the important thing is to make your own.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.