When the Breakup of Your Relationship Involves Your Ex Saying Goodbye to Your Child

Relationship breakups are difficult enough even under the best of circumstances.  But they're particularly difficult when you're a single parent and you have a young child who has become emotionally attached to the person you were dating.  It's a loss for you and your ex, but it can be even more heart breaking for your child, especially if s/he spent a lot of time with your ex.

Breakups Are Even More Difficult When Children Are Involved 

Wait Until the Relationship is Solid Before Introducing Your Child
When psychotherapy clients, who are single and dating, have young children, I usually recommend that they wait until the new relationship is solid before they introduce their children to their romantic partner.

It's easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of a new romantic relationship during the early stage of courtship and become overly optimistic about the potential longevity of the relationship.  If you introduce someone new to your child before the time is right, your child will feel the loss and, possibly a sense of abandonment, if your relationship ends.

There's no science to gauge how long you should wait.  In most cases, I would recommend that you wait a minimum of six months.  Of course, a lot depends upon the relationship and the age of your child.  And, you should be aware that even infants become attached to people with whom they spend time.

When the Breakup of Your Relationship Involves Your Ex Saying Goodbye to Your Child

Modern Love Article
In Sunday's New York Times' Modern Love column, Laurie Sandell wrote an article called "How to Break Up With a 2-Year Old" where she discusses this issue from the perspective of the ex who must say goodbye to her ex-boyfriend's child (see link below).

It's an interesting article.  I'd love to hear more from the perspective of people who have children who go through breakups like this.

Among my psychotherapy clients who have young children and who have ended relationships, generally, they feel they have a very difficult time.  Not only do they deal with their own grief about the breakup, but they must comfort their children, who often miss the ex and are too young to understand why the ex is no longer coming around.

Young children tend to be naturally egocentric and they often blame themselves if someone they care about isn't around any more.  This is generally true whether it involves a breakup or a death.  So, don't think your child is "too young" to feel hurt.

Although children can be resilient, use good judgment and err on the side of caution when you're trying to decide when to introduce your child to a new romantic partner.  And if you do have the misfortune to go through a breakup with someone your child was emotionally attached to, you need to be extra nurturing and comforting with your child.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

New York Times - Modern Love: How to Break Up with a 2-Year Old - by Laurie Sandell

Why It's Best to Be Honest With Your Psychotherapist

One reason why therapy doesn't work out sometimes is that some clients don't feel comfortable being completely honest with their therapists about important issues in their lives that are causing problems for them.

Why It's Best to Be Honest With Your Psychotherapist

When Shame Keeps Clients From Being Completely Honest With Their Therapists

Often, it's not a matter of psychotherapy clients deliberately attempting to deceive their therapists.  Usually, it's more a matter of clients feeling ashamed of their problems and wanting to appear in a more favorable light.

Shame can be overwhelming.  And, when clients intentionally omit important information about what's going on with them because they feel too embarrassed to reveal their problems to their therapist, they usually end up sabotaging their own treatment because the therapist is missing important information, which doesn't allow her to help the client.

Building a Rapport With Your Therapist

When clients begin therapy, it usually takes a while for the client and therapist to develop a rapport in treatment.  This is normal part of treatment.  So, it's understandable that clients might not reveal things they're ashamed of when they start therapy before they know if they can trust their therapist.  

Withholding Information From Your Therapist Can Result in an "As If" Therapy

When months and years go by and clients don't divulge important information about themselves, the therapy often becomes an "as if" therapy.  The therapist is operating on certain assumptions about the client and offering help related to what she knows, but the secrets that the client is keeping from the therapist have gone underground.   

This might become obvious to the therapist after a while.  She might have an intuitive sense that something is amiss in treatment.  Most experienced and skilled therapists would understand that a client feels too ashamed to discuss certain aspects of himself that he might be too embarrassed to reveal.  

Getting Honest With Your Therapist Can Lead to an Emotional Breakthrough

Once the therapist becomes aware that the client was withholding information, if the therapist approaches this issue with tact and compassion, it can be a real breakthrough for the client and the therapeutic work.  The client usually feels relieved that he no longer has the burden of keeping secrets from his therapist.  

More importantly, he realizes that his therapist still cares about him and wants to work with him.  This is often an emotionally reparative experience, especially if the client came from a family where love was conditional, based on his being a certain way in the family.

Attention-Seeking Behavior: Fictitious Disorder

Another reason why clients aren't honest with therapists is that they might be engaging in attention-seeking behavior.  Attention-seeking behavior could involve either lying to the therapist or exaggerating problems.

For instance, a client might make up a very traumatic family history that is completely false with the intent of getting attention and sympathy.  This type of behavior is called Fictitious Disorder (see my blog article:  Attention-Seeking Behavior in Therapy: Understanding Fictitious Disorder).

A Mismatch Between Therapist and Client Can Result in a Client Withholding Information

Another factor might be that the client and therapist are not a good therapeutic match.

Unfortunately, many clients don't realize how important it is to be with a therapist with whom they have a good rapport.  Of course, as previously mentioned, this is developed over time.  But if months pass and a psychotherapy client still feels he doesn't "click" with his therapist, rather than remaining silent about it or aborting treatment, it would be better for him to speak to the therapist about it.

Ultimately, if this issue cannot be worked out, it would be better for the client to find another therapist. Most experienced therapists understand that every therapist is not for every client, and it's important for the client to feel comfortable.

Some Discomfort With Revealing Uncomfortable Aspects of Yourself is Understandable
Being open in therapy isn't always easy.  It takes courage to go to therapy and open up about things that you don't feel comfortable about.  But, in the end, if you're not honest with your therapist, you're only hurting yourself.

Often, concerns about what the therapist might think if you reveal what you're ashamed of is actually a projection about how you feel about it yourself.

Adjunctive Treatment Might Be Necessary
Recognize that most experienced therapists have heard just about everything you could think of and more.

If your problem is outside of the scope of what your therapist is knowledgeable about, she will tell you and might refer you for adjunctive treatment.

So, for instance, if you reveal that you're having a substance abuse problem and your therapist has no experience with substance abuse, she might refer you to a 12 Step program or a structured outpatient chemical dependency program.

Recognize That You're Not Alone
Many, if not most, people in therapy have gone through times when they feel uncomfortable discussing certain aspects of their lives with their therapists.

But I believe that if you were to ask people who overcame their discomfort and were honest with their therapists, they would tell you that getting over the initial discomfort was worth it in terms of the treatment and how they felt about themselves.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Overcoming the Trauma of Parental Alienation

Parental alienation is when a parent deliberately says or does things to alienate a child from the other parent.  This often happens when the parents are having problems with each other or they're going through a divorce.  It's a form of triangulation and has a negative emotional impact on a child.

Overcoming the Trauma of Parental Alienation

Why Do Parents Engage in Parental Alienation With Children?
Often, parental alienation can take the form of one parent saying negative things about the other parent. So, for instance, a mother might tell a child, "Your father doesn't love you" or a father could tell a child divulge personal things that have gone on between the parents, like the mother having an extramarital affair, that the child is not developmentally ready to hear.

Whether parents are together or they are in the process of getting a divorce, the emotional and physical well-being of their children should be their primary concern.  But many parents, who are consumed with anger and resentment towards each other, often forget this and, intentionally or not, use the child as a pawn to get back at each other.

The Traumatic Impact of Parental Alienation on Children
Young children are particular vulnerable to the trauma involved with parental alienation and suffer the most.  They don't have the emotional defenses that older children often have to ward off the negative impact of parental alienation.

Hearing negative things about one or both parents can be frightened and confusing for them, especially if one of the parents tells them that the other doesn't care about the child.

The Trauma Doesn't End When the Children Become Adults
Children, who grow up in a home where there is parental alienation, usually continue to be affected by this dynamic when they grow up.  It often affects their adult romantic relationships, making if difficult to develop trust or to even enter into a romantic relationship.

As adults, they might continue to feel ambivalent about the parent that was maligned to them, especially if that parent doesn't make an effort to try to repair the relationship.

The following fictionalized vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, illustrates how damaging parental alienation can be as well as how this trauma can be worked through in therapy:

John
When John was a young child, his mother was in and out of drug rehabilitation programs because of her addiction to prescription pills.  John's father and his paternal grandparents took care of John during the times when his mother was away.

Overcoming the Trauma of Parental Alienation

John was never told where his mother was or why she was away.  His mother's drug addiction was the family secret, and he only found out as an adult why she was often gone for long periods of time.  John's father, who felt angry and bitter towards the mother, would often tell John that his mother didn't care about him--that she only cared about herself.

Whenever John's father told him things like this, John would go into his room and cry silently to himself.  His father made sure that John's basic physical needs were taken care of, but he wasn't a warm or nurturing person and neither were his paternal grandparents.  So, he was often left by himself in his room.

When his mother was home, she was the more loving and nurturing one, so this was very confusing for John.  He felt like his mother loved him, but his father always told him that she didn't, so he wasn't sure what to believe.

During those times, when his mother was home, John would cling to her, often falling asleep on her lap.  He feared that if he let her go, she would go away again.

Whenever his parents fought, John would put the pillow over his ears so he wouldn't hear them.  When the shouting died down, John's father would often come into John's room to complain to him about the mother--she was selfish, manipulative, dishonest, a bad wife and a bad mother.  Hearing these things hurt John, but he didn't feel he could say anything because even though his father was speaking to him, John felt that his father was hardly aware that he was there.

Throughout school, John tended to have only one or two friends, usually more outgoing boys that John sought out.  In college, he was lonely most of the time.  Occasionally, he went out with his roommates, but he mostly kept to himself.

By the time John graduated and came to NYC for a career opportunity, he was very lonely, and he didn't know anyone in NY.

His parents lived in the same household, but they barely spoke.  The father lived in the basement and the mother continued to live on the first floor, but they were living separate lives.  When John went home to visit them, his father still complained about the mother being a bad wife and mother.  John was now old enough to see that his mother was high, even though she denied it.  So, he hated going home and tried to avoid it as much as possible.

John started therapy because, even though he was lonely, he had a lot of problems meeting women.  He was painfully shy and afraid of getting hurt, but he didn't want to feel this way for his entire life.

After hearing John's family history, I discussed parental alienation and it resonated with him.  Just knowing that there was a term for what he experienced and that other people had experienced it too helped him to feel a little better.

After we developed a therapeutic rapport, we began using clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing to help John to work through the trauma he experienced as a child and the effect it was having on him as an adult.

John had never thought of himself as being a traumatized child.  He was surprised, but it made sense to him.  Before coming to therapy, he just thought that his experience was how it was. For him, it was "normal."  He didn't realize that not all children experience parental alienation.  He had never thought about it before.

Over time, John gradually began the healing process so he could visit his parents at home without getting pulled into their hostile dynamic. He also began to date.

If you're interested in finding out about clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing, I've included websites under the Resource section below.  Both websites have directories for therapists in the both in the US and internationally.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you grew up in a environment where you experienced parental alienation, you might not realize the traumatic effect it had on you and that you might still be experiencing the impact as an adult.  If the vignette above feels familiar, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with parental alienation.

If you can work through the trauma of parental alienation, you could live a more fulfilling life.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Procrastination in an Uncertain World

Living in an uncertain world, most of us would love to have access to a crystal ball where we could determine with absolute certainty what was going to happen in our lives, especially when we're faced with major decisions.  I'm sure we'd like some happy surprises from time to time just to keep things interesting.  Unfortunately, much of the time we're attempting to make decisions based on whatever information we have at the time so, as adults, we need to be able to tolerate a certain amount of uncertainty.

Uncertainty and Procrastination
One of the problems with feeling the need for absolute certainty before taking action is that it leads to procrastination for many people.  Constantly weighing the pros and cons, seeking more and more information, and ruminating about the possible outcomes can keep you stuck in your tracks.  So, it's important to realize that if you've stuck obsessively weighing every possible outcome to a decision, you could procrastinate indefinitely and not take much-needed action.

Overcoming Procrastination and the Need for Absolute Certainty

The following fictionalized vignette, which is based on many cases with no identifying information revealed, illustrates how the need for absolute certainty can become problematic and what can be done to overcome this problem:

Nina
Nina was raised by a single mother, who struggled financially to take care of Nina and her three other children.  Every financial decision that Nina's mother made was carefully weighed in the context of their limited household budget and the mother's insecure job as a non-unionized factory employee.

Nina's mother worried a lot about what she would do and how the family would survive if she lost her job.  Even as a young child, Nina was very aware that she and her family lived in the shadow of constant uncertainty.

Nina knew from stories her mother told her that the boss at the factory would fire employees at the drop of a hat.  So, whenever her mother came home looking anxious, which was often, Nina held her breath and her first anxious thought was that her mother had lost her job.  When she realized that her mother was reacting to something else that happened at work and she had not lost her job, Nina would let out a sigh of relief and breathe normally again.

Nina did well in school and she managed to get a scholarship to go to college, which was fortunate because her mother didn't have the money to pay for college and Nina feared the possibility of being in debt with student loans and not being able to pay them back.

After college, Nina had two excellent job offers, but she had a hard time making a choice.  She weighed the pros and cons of both job offers. She researched each company thoroughly.
She sought advice from her college advisors and her friends.  But even with all this information, Nina felt paralyzed to make a decision.

After a few weeks, one of the companies rescinded the offer and gave the job to someone else.  So, fearing she might lose the other offer, Nina quickly accepted the other job.

By the time Nina came to therapy several years later, she had many other similar experiences where she struggled and procrastinated to the point where she felt too paralyzed to move forward.  Even though she earned a very good salary, she was living as if she was still part of a household that was always strapped for cash.  Basically, she was reliving her mother's experience without realizing it.

Our work together involved using clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing to help Nina overcome her childhood trauma of an impoverished family life.

We worked on helping Nina to feel less emotionally enmeshed with her mother's experience and to feel like a separate person.

We also worked to help her "update" her emotional experience to reflect that she was no longer an anxious child worrying about whether the family would survive.  Of course, Nina already knew this on a rational level, but she didn't feel it on an emotional level.

Then, to start, we worked on getting Nina to get comfortable making relatively low-risk decisions, so she could begin to overcome her habitual pattern of procrastination.  Over time, we progressed to more complex decisions.  Rather than just talking about her problem, each week Nina worked on a particular task that we agreed upon in advance and then she came back the following week to talk about her experience.

The work wasn't easy or quick for Nina, but she was motivated to overcome her need for absolute certainty because she was tired of living her life filled with anxiety about personal decisions to the point where she felt paralyzed.  And, gradually, she made progress.  She developed a greater emotional capacity to tolerate uncertainty, a new sense of self confidence, and an ability to take action.

Clinical Hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing Can Help You to Overcome Trauma and the Need for Absolute Certainty That Causes Procrastination
My experience as a psychotherapist, who has worked with many adult clients who are affected by childhood trauma, a fear of change, and habitual procrastination, is that just talking about it in therapy isn't enough.  People often develop insight and an intellectual understanding of their problems when they just talk about it but, often, this doesn't result in change.

Both clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing, as I use them, allow psychotherapy clients to have a mind-body connection experience so the therapeutic work isn't just on an intellectual level.  Clients tend to experience it on an emotional and physical as well as intellectual level.  It's a holistic experience that provides an opportunity for an emotional shift to occur so that clients can take action to make changes.

I've included links below under Resources so you can find out more about clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing.

Taking Action
Taking action is an important component in my work with clients.  While talking about the problem is important, it's vital that the client take action to make changes, otherwise, more than likely, the problem isn't going to change, especially when the problem is about procrastination, fear and dealing with uncertainty.

Overcoming Procrastination:  Getting Help in Therapy

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're having problems overcoming habitual procrastination, you owe it to yourself to get help from a skilled, licensed mental heath professional who works with clients on this issue.

Imagine what your life might be like in five or 10 or 20 years if you continue to have this problem.   Then, try to imagine what your life could be like if you were free from this problem and you could be more confident and spontaneous in the world.

Which life would you prefer?

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

APA: Research Reveals Psychotherapy Is Effective But Underutilized

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), research reveals that psychotherapy is an effective treatment for that helps to reduce not only mental health problems but also improves long term health.  

Yet, despite this research, according to the APA, mental health treatment has decreased over the last 10 years or so as more people attempt to rely on psychotropic medication for their emotional problems (see link below for the APA article).

Research Reveals Psychotherapy is Effective But Underutilized

The article cites the findings of 50 peer-reviewed studies that demonstrate psychotherapy's effectiveness across age and racial groups.

According to the APA article, research has shown that a combination of psychotherapy and medication is effective in treating anxiety and medication.

In my experience as a psychotherapist, I've found that many clients who might think, initially, that they might need to be on medication are often helped with psychotherapy alone combined with exercise or yoga.  Of course, each client is different and what works for one client might not work for another.  But this is also true for psychotropic medication.

The APA article also indicates that research has shown that the positive effects of psychotherapy often last longer than psychotropic medication.

Also, psychotherapy is often effective for teaching clients life skills that the clients benefit from long after they have completed psychotherapy.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Research Shows Psychotherapy is Effective But Underutilized

Are Your "Cold Feet" Just Common Pre-Wedding Jitters or a Cause For Concern?

It's not unusual for people who are about to get married to feel a little anxious about taking such a life-changing step in their lives.  We often refer to this as "having cold feet" or "pre-wedding jitters," and most people recognize this as a common experience.  But how do you know if what you're experiencing is just "pre-wedding jitters" or if what you're sensing are "red flags" about the marriage?

Are Your "Cold Feet" Just Common Pre-Wedding Jitters of a Cause For Concern

Many couples find it helpful to go to pre-marital counseling to talk about their hopes and expectations about their upcoming marriage.

Pre-marital counseling provides an opportunity to discuss important issues like, for example, your views about: 

• what it means to be married
• how you feel about sex
• whether you want to have children or not
• if your religious or spiritual beliefs are in synch with each other
• how you want to conduct your financial affairs

Pre-marital counseling is also usually the place where people raise any concerns they might have about the other person or about how well suited they are as a couple to get married.  

Are You Experiencing Common Pre-Wedding Jitters or Sensing Red Flags?
Attending pre-marital counseling can help you to determine if what you're experiencing is just common pre-wedding jitters (so-called "cold feet") or if your anxiety is a signal that something might be wrong in your relationship that could cause problems in a marriage.

Don't ignore or override your concerns.  It's better to express your concerns before you get married than to go through with the wedding and have regrets later.


If you're just experiencing the kind of "cold feet" that people often feel before getting married, you can set your mind at ease before the wedding.

But if there are real concerns, you also have an opportunity to try to work these issues out, if they can be worked out, before you get married.

If you're trying to determine if your anxiety is normal pre-wedding jitters or if you're sensing "red flags" about getting married, it's best to seek a counselor who is a licensed mental health professional who can be objective and who has experience working with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up  consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


photo credit: sergcot via photopin cc

Are Toxic Secrets Ruining Your Relationship?

The ability to maintain privacy and healthy boundaries is a part of normal development.  As part of normal development, you don't divulge very personal details about yourself indiscriminately to people you're not close to in your life.  But when you keep secrets, especially toxic secrets, from your spouse, you can ruin your relationship.

Are Toxic Secrets Ruining Your Relationship?

What Is a Toxic Secret?

The following list are examples of toxic secrets:

• You're having an extramarital affair
• You're drinking excessively or using drugs when the rest of the household is asleep
• You're overextended on credit cards and you haven't told your spouse
• You have a bank account that you've never told your spouse about
• You're being audited by the IRS and you haven't told your spouse
• You have a child from another relationship that you've never told you're spouse about
• You've lost your job, but you haven't revealed it to your spouse yet

I'm sure you can think of many more examples of toxic secrets, but this gives you an idea of what I'm referring to in this blog article.

How Can a Toxic Secret Ruin Your Relationship?
People who maintain toxic secrets from their spouse are often in denial about the effect on their relationship of maintaining these secrets.  They often think they can keep secrets indefinitely and it won't have any affect, especially if their spouse never finds out.

But even if your spouse never finds out about your secret, it can still have a detrimental effect on your relationship.

For one thing, it creates a lot of tension and makes the secret keeper guarded and defensive with the spouse.

If you're leery about your spouse finding out about a secret, you're going to be very cautious to do everything you can to maintain that secret.  This means you're must be careful about everything you say and do so that you don't reveal the secret, which can create a lot of anxiety and guilt for you.

You might also misunderstand simple things that your spouse says and even an innocent question like, "Where are you?" might cause you a great deal of distress if you think your spouse is questioning your whereabouts because he or she is trying to find out your secret.  This could make you irritable and jumpy which, in itself, can cause problems in your relationship.

Keeping toxic secrets can also cause health problems.  The guilt and stress involved with keeping a toxic secret can take a physical toll of the secret keeper.  Over time, this can cause stress-related illnesses.

On the other hand, if your spouse finds out about your toxic secret and s/he doesn't find out about it from you, at the very least, it will probably cause a great deal of emotional pain, anger and mistrust.

Many couples don't survive the kind of blow to their relationship involved with a spouse discovering a toxic secret.  Often, the spouse who feels betrayed doesn't regain the trust needed to remain in the relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy
Of course, no one can tell you what to do with regard to keeping secrets from your spouse.  

But if you think that keeping secrets from your spouse is eroding the emotional intimacy in your relationship or if your spouse has discovered your secret and this has become a major obstacle to the stability of your relationship, you owe it to yourself to get help.

Don't wait until it's too late.  The negative impact of toxic secrets has a way of getting worse over time.

A skilled mental health professional who has experience working with this type of issue can help you and your spouse to work through this problem if both of you want to salvage your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.