Allow Your Children to Have Dreams and Use Their Imagination

Whenever people tell me that they were scolded as children for being "dreamers," having their "heads in the clouds," and using their imagination, I feel my heart sinking.  I wish more parents understood the value of allowing their children to have dreams and use their imagination.

Allow Your Children to Have Dreams and Use Their Imagination

The Imaginary World of Books
I've mentioned in an earlier blog post that when I was six or seven years old, my dream was to be a writer.  I think this dream developed when I discovered books.  I loved to read.  I loved being able to immerse myself in the imaginary world of the characters in the stories.

My mother was a big proponent of reading.  She began taking me to the public library at least once a week before I started elementary school.  The library, with all its many books, was a magical place to me.  Before I started school, we would go to the library and pick out books.  Then, we would go to the park and she would read to me while I looked wide-eyed at the pictures.

More than anything, when I began school, I wanted to learn to read so I could enter into these imaginary worlds on my own.  There were so many books in the children's section of the library, and I wanted to read all of them.  I was fortunate to have a wonderful first grade teacher, Mrs. Kurtz, who encouraged my interest and gave me books that were a few grade levels above me.

Although my mother was happy that I loved to read, she was uncomfortable with the idea that I wanted to be a writer. She never told me that I couldn't become a writer, but she thought this was very impractical and she worried that I wouldn't be able to support myself as a writer.  When she told my pediatrician that I wanted to be a writer, not only did he not discourage me, but he gave me lots of writing pads, pens, a thesaurus and a dictionary.  He told me that these were the writers' "tools."   He encouraged me to write to my heart's content, and I was delighted.

These "tools" took on an almost magical quality.  I felt very special and grown up, and I used them to write plays that my cousins and I put on in my grandmother's backyard.  In some ways, this was an act of defiance because I knew my mother didn't want me to be a writer.  But no one stopped me or told me not to do it.  Although they were very respectful and attentive at our performances, I think my relatives were amused by it all.  For their 10 cents admission charge to the show, they saw a play (usually a mystery), and afterwards, we entertained the adults by singing popular songs.

The Beatles and My Imaginary World
When I was 12, I discovered the Beatles during their first visit to the US.  I believe their arrival in the US was significant for our country, following our national mourning for President Kennedy.  It took the country out of our doldrums.

It was also very significant for me as a child.  Two years before, my father died suddenly and my world, as I had known it until then, changed forever.  When my friends and I became Beatle fans, like millions of other fans, we fantasized ourselves with our favorite Beatle (my favorite was Paul McCartney).

During the seventh grade, two of my close friends and I each wrote stories about our lives with the Beatles.  Each one of us wrote about what it would be like to be engaged to our favorite Beatle.  As children often do, we entered into that transitional world between imagination and "ordinary reality" in our writing.

Each day, we would come in to class and during break, we would read excerpts from our writing to each other about our adventures with the Beatles.  Sometimes, we read our writing to our teachers, who encouraged us.

New York World's Fair - Flushing, Queens
During the New York World's Fair in Flushing, Queens, my young friends and I pretended that we were from Liverpool.  They were giving out buttons with the names of people's country of origin, and we were thrilled to each get a button that said "Great Britain."  I don't think we fooled anyone with our fake accents, but the adults went along with us.

Fortunately, throughout that time, no one told us to stop day dreaming or to get our heads "out of the clouds."  We were allowed to use our imagination and have fun with it.  We were allowed to play with ideas and different roles.  We were too young to appreciate this then.  But I can look back now and see how crucial it was for my emotional development and well being at that time.

Allowing Children to Use Their Imagination is an Important Part of Their Development
Being allowed to day dream and use my imagination as a child never interfered with my school work, as many parents might fear.  I continued to get good grades.  And, if anything, it enabled me to develop a curiosity about and openness to people and places that were not part of my immediate world.  It also allowed me to have a sense of wonder and hope about my world in the future.

Isn't this what we want for our children?  If so, let's encourage them to play, dream, imagine and flourish.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.




Photo Credit:  photo credit: jaci XIII via photopin cc

Do You Feel Overwhelmed by a Friend's Problems?

Part of being a good friend is being emotionally supportive when a friend needs emotional support. If there is give-and-take between friends, each friend takes turns being supportive and being supported at various points in the friendship. But what happens when you start to feel overwhelmed by your friend's problems?  

Overwhelmed by a Friend's Problems?

Balancing Your Friend's Need for Emotional Support with Your Need for Self Care
It's important to balance your friend's need for emotional support with your need for self care.  It's not always easy to know when to draw the line.  Feelings of being emotionally overwhelmed can creep up on your before you even realize what's happening.  Before you know it, you might feel emotionally and physically depleted, even though this isn't your friend's intention.

Do You Feel Overwhelmed By a Friend's Problems?

After a while, if this is the usual dynamic between you and your friend, you might respond to his or her calls, emails or text messages with mixed feelings.  On the one hand, you might want to be a good friend, but on the other hand, you might also feel apprehensive about responding and feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

You might also sense that your support isn't doing any good, especially if your friend isn't making any effort to change whatever might be bothering him or her.  In some instances, what might occur is that your friend feels better after he or she vents and then feels no incentive to try to make changes to overcome the problem.

Setting Limits with Your Friend
Even though it might make you feel guilty at first, it's important to know when to step back and assess this type of situation.  The give-and-take in any friendship isn't always going to be 50-50 all the time.  Your friend might be going through a particularly difficult time, and she might be calling on you more than you ask for help from her.

Friendship isn't about keeping a tally about these things.  But if you find that this is predominantly the dynamic most of the time, and your friend's problems are starting to exhaust you, you would be wise to make self care your priority and set some limits with him in a tactful and empathetic way.

Hopefully, you're not the only emotional resource that she has and she'll also turn to other friends or supportive family members for help.  Better yet, if her problems are longstanding, it would be best for her to seek professional help from a licensed mental health clinician.

It doesn't always feel good to set these kinds of boundaries with people that we care about.  Most people don't realize that they're exhausting their friends because they're so immersed in their own problems.  A good friend will understand that you need to take care of yourself too.

But if she even if she doesn't understand, you still need to know what you limits are and take care of yourself.  Becoming emotionally and physically depleted by a friend, family member, or coworker can create problems for you, including compromising your immune system and causing you to become vulnerable to getting sick.

In addition, friends often struggle with the same unresolved issues that you might have, so it can trigger your own emotional upset, if you haven't dealt with these issues.  You can't be your friend's therapist, even if you're trained to be a therapist.  Often, the best solution is to recommend that he get professional help.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Mother-Daughter Relationships: Letting Go of Resentments

As I've written in prior blog posts, the mother-daughter relationship is a complex dynamic.   As a psychotherapist in New York City, I hear from many daughters and mothers about longstanding resentments that never get resolved.  Over the course of a lifetime, resentments can build up, especially if they're not resolved when they occur.  It's not unusual for mothers and daughters to continue arguing the same old arguments over and over again, adding more confusion and anger as time goes on.

Mother-Daughter Relationships:  Letting Go of Resentments

Often, mothers and daughters have unrealistic expectations of each other:

Daughters' Idealization of Mothers' Role:
As a society, we tend to idealize the mother's role:  she should always be nurturing, understanding, a good listener and a shoulder to cry on.  When your mother falls short of this idealization, you might feel cheated and deprived and resentment builds up.

Mother-Daughter Relationships:  Letting Go of Resentments

But no one can live up to this standard all the time, especially since mothers in most households now must work as well as being mothers and wives.  As a daughter, assuming that you had a reasonably healthy childhood, you need to let go of this idealization and realize that your mother is human with flaws, like anyone else.

Mothers' Unrealistic Expectations of Daughters:
There are many mother-daughter relationships that are close and happy when the daughter is younger and then become conflictual as the daughter gets older and needs more independence.  It's not easy watching a daughter move away from you during her teenage years, when friends often become more important than mothers.  Sometimes, it seems like it happens over night.

But it's a normal part of your daughter's development as an individual to mature and seek out other relationships.  As a mother, it's best not to get into power struggles with your daughter about this.  You can't be your daughter's best friend.  She needs you to be her mother.  And if you can negotiate this challenging period with your daughter, you're more likely to have a better relationship with your daughter over time.

Mothers and Daughters Arguing the Same Arguments Over and Over Again:
Rather than getting into power struggles, sometimes it's best to just agree to disagree and let go of old arguments and resentments.  Rehashing the same old arguments does nothing but deepen resentment.  Over time, mothers and daughters can become emotionally distant from each other.  The longer this goes on, the harder it is to repair.  It's often better to choose your battles and recognize when you might be arguing to win a power struggle.  No one wins under these circumstances.  Often, both people lose.

Letting Go of Resentments and Forgiving:
I've said this many times to clients, "Forgiving is for the person doing the forgiving."  It doesn't mean that whatever the other person did was okay.  It's not necessarily about reconciliation with the other person.

There are times when relationships can't be reconciled for a variety of reasons.  For instance, there are times when maintaining a relationship is either so emotionally or physically abusive that it would be too damaging to remain in contact.  Self preservation is crucial.

Whether you choose to reconcile directly with your mother or daughter or not, it's important to work through resentments so that they don't remain emotionally toxic within you.  Many clients ask me, "But how do I do this?"  It's a process that can be worked through in therapy with a skilled clinician.

It's Possible to Change an Unhealthy Mother-Daughter Relationship:
Some mothers and daughters are stuck in a rut in their relationships together.  It might be that both of them see the unhealthy dynamic and want to change it, but they don't know how.

For some mothers and daughters, attempts at talking about it only lead to more conflict and arguments.  Sometimes, the best way to change a dynamic is to change yourself rather than waiting for the other person to change.  For instance, if you want your mother or daughter to be a better listener, be a better listener yourself when you talk to her.

Be in the Present  Moment:
When resentments have built up over time, it's often hard to be in the present moment with the other person.  This is especially true when mothers and daughters have longstanding resentments.

When you're constantly focused on old resentments, you might miss out on moments of closeness when there's no conflict.  It's possible that there can be moments when you enjoy each other's company.

Mother-Daughter Relationships:  Letting Go of Resentments

Part of letting go of old resentments is being open to the possibility that the dynamic in your mother-daughter relationship might change.  For this to happen, both people must be willing and able.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  I have helped many mothers and daughters to let go of resentments in their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:
Life Stages in Mother-Daughter Relationships

Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships

Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships

Tapping into Your Creative and Intuitive Power

When I was in my 20s, I had little exposure or belief in intuitive abilities.  But, one day a chance encounter with a friend caused me to question my skepticism about intuition and to, eventually,  explore how intuitive abilities can be developed in relation to creativity abilities.

Tapping into Your Creative and Intuitive Power

My Introduction to Intuition:  Beatrice at Bondini's
I remember the day that I ran into a close friend on my way home.  I had walked from my job in the East 30s to the West Village and I was about to get on the train to go home.  As I was going through the turnstile to get on the train, my friend was, coincidentally, coming through the same turnstile on the other side. We both laughed at the timing of meeting each other this way in a city of eight million people.  When I asked her where she was going, she told me that she had an appointment with someone named Beatrice at Bondini's restaurant on W. 9th Street in the Village.

I knew of Bondini's Italian restaurant from a former boyfriend's mother who would rave about their food.  But I'd never been there and I had never heard of anyone named Beatrice there.   When I asked my friend about this, she hesitated.  Then, she grabbed my arm and told me to come with her to see Beatrice, who was a psychic.  I remember laughing and teasing my friend all the way there because she believed in psychics.  Her only response was, "You'll see..."

Since my curiosity was greater than my skepticism, I went along with her.  I thought I would encounter a woman with a turban on her head looking into a crystal ball, but Beatrice was an average down-to-earth woman who looked and acted nothing like I expected.  She had a room in the back of the restaurant, but she had no mystical props or crystal balls.

Originally, I had no intention of getting a reading from Beatrice but, once again, my curiosity was greater than my skepticism, so when my friend "volunteered" me to go first, I went along with it, not expecting very much.  Beatrice asked if she could hold an item that belonged to me, so I gave her a topaz ring that I wore everyday for the last 10 years or so.

Then, to my great surprise, without my uttering a question or a word or giving her any information, she began telling me, in detail, about the man I was dating.  Not only did she describe his physical appearance, his personality and how he interacted with me, but she also described the strong effect he had on everyone around him--that he charmed both men and women, so much so that he was often able to get away with things that most people couldn't have gotten away with.   I knew this to be absolutely true and had seen it many times.  (Fortunately, he wasn't a sociopath, so he didn't use his charm in any illegal or unethical ways.)

Needless to say, I was stunned.  She told me things about him that even my close friend didn't know.  All the while, I said nothing, so she wasn't pumping me with questions for information, as many so-called "psychics" do.  I didn't understand what was happening, but I was fascinated.  So, unable to resist, I asked her if she had a sense of our future as a couple.   She was very tactful and kind.  There was no drama or offer to sell me love candles or love bath.  She simply said that she didn't see us staying together.  Until then, everything she said rang true, but I thought she really got this wrong.  But sure enough, a few months later, we broke up.

While I was in my 20s, I went to see Beatrice a few more times.  I continued to be fascinated by her intuitive abilities and level-headed, no-nonsense approach.  Then, she was written up in New York Magazine, and it became difficult to see her without making a six-month in advance appointment because she became so popular, so I stopped seeing her.

Developing Intuition
Following my experience with Beatrice, I attended a workshop with a woman in NJ, who used her psychic abilities to help the police solve crimes.  She was also very down-to-earth and had a good reputation among law enforcement.  She made the practice of developing intuition for the average person seem like the most natural thing in the world.  I also read books about intuition and became interested in dream work.

As I followed my dreams, I began to have flashes of intuition, both in my dreams and in my waking hours. I didn't have any earth-shattering intuitive flashes about world events.  These flashes of intuition were mostly about my everyday life and the people in it.

Intuition for Creative Solutions
Over time, I came to trust these flashes of intuition to help me come up with creative solutions to everyday life situations.   I find that the more connected I am to my dreams, the sharper my intuitive abilities are during everyday situations.  I am, by no means, a psychic and my intuitive abilities don't extend beyond the ordinary situations that develop in life, but I've found that using intuition to tap into creative, problem solving abilities has added a richer dimension to my life.

Of course, the ability to use logic is crucial to living our lives.   But rather than being exclusively focused on only living a life based on logic, I encourage people to develop their intuitive side, if this is something that interests them.

Intuition and Dreams
One way to develop intuition is to pay attention to your dreams.  Not all of them will be intuitive dreams, but you might find that, if you write them down and make them a priority, you might get glimpses into your intuitive side.  Then, rather than being skeptical about intuition, as I was initially when I was in my 20s, if you remain open and curious, you might discover that your intuition can be tapped into to enhance your creative abilities.  I've included some resources below if you're interested in developing your intuition to tap into your creative abilities.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic  Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, read my articles:
Dream Incubation - Planting Seeds
Creative Imagination and Dream Work

Resources:
Embodiment: Creative Imagination in Medicine, Art and Travel - by post-Jungian psychoanalyst, Robert Bosnak
Creative Dreaming - by Patricia Garfield
Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming - by Stephen LaBerge, Ph.D.

Overcoming Emotional Trauma and Developing Resilience

During the course of a lifetime, everyone goes through hard times.  Unfortunately, emotional suffering is part of life and we can't expect to avoid it.  It's how you respond to these times that can make a big difference in the quality of your life.  Responding with resilience can help you get through difficult times and increase your self confidence.

Overcoming Emotional Trauma and Developing Resilience

Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to be Resilient

Unfortunately, people who have trauma in their lives can find it very difficult to respond with resilience.  Of course, there are always exceptional people that we hear or read about who have gone through a lot of trauma who seem to maintain their resilience.  They can be inspiring, but if you're someone who has been traumatized and you're not as resilient because of your experiences, hearing about these exceptional people can also cause you to feel badly about yourself, feeling like  you don't measure up to them.

Many people who have had multiple experiences with trauma feel hopeless and helpless in the face of new adversity.  This is a common experience for people with multiple traumas.  No amount of telling them to be resilient will change this.  After a while, many of them feel that bad times are all that they can expect, which is unfortunate and, often, a distortion.  

Unresolved Trauma Can be Triggered by New Difficult Experiences

People who have suffered trauma that keeps them feeling beaten down need to work through their trauma in psychotherapy.  If the trauma is not worked through, they are vulnerable to being triggered by new events because new events can trigger old trauma.  

Often, when we think of being triggered, we think of the example of the war veteran who is triggered by a loud noise, which takes him or her back emotionally to the battlefield.  But there are all kinds of triggers, aside from the ones that veterans experience with noise, that can trigger old trauma.  Potential triggers can be loss, including loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of a pet, and so on;  physical or emotional abuse; a medical problem; a car accident; a major life change, etc.

Overcoming Emotional Trauma and Developing Resilience: Coping with Unresolved Trauma

Trauma, by nature, is an emotionally overwhelming experience that hasn't been "metabolized" by the mind.  So, it remains in its "unmetabolized," untreated form just under the surface and it's there to be potentially triggered by new difficult events.

What might be traumatic to one person might not be traumatic to someone else for a variety of reasons, including personal history, environment, learned attitudes, and a person's inherent ability to deal with overwhelming events or experiences.  It's not about being "weak" or "strong."  

Trauma, Compassion and Self Compassion

Recognizing that it's not about "weakness" requires self compassion as well as compassion for others.       I once met someone who was a retired Marine who had gone through a series of traumatic events while in the military and afterwards in civilian life.  He never got treatment, and he berated himself severely whenever he cried about his experiences, saying, "I'm a Marine.  I should be able to handle this."  Possibly, this was part of his training in the Marines, but it was only making matters worse until he got psychological treatment to overcome his trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy:  You Can't "Tough it Out"

This is why it's so important to get psychological help when you experience trauma. Trying to "tough it out" doesn't help.  In fact, it can make things a lot worse because you might "disown" and suppress your traumatic feelings rather than acknowledge them and get help.  Suppressing these feelings, even if you can for a while, doesn't make them go away.  They're still there to be triggered in ways that you might not expect or want.  They can also develop into physical problems, like migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, body aches and other physical manifestations.

Overcoming Emotional Trauma and Developing Resilience: Getting Help in Therapy

I've worked with many clients over the years who have experienced trauma, including PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder).  My experience has been that talk therapy can be helpful, but Somatic Experience, hypnotherapy and EMDR are more effective in overcoming trauma and developing a greater sense of resilience.

There's no magic bullet when it comes to working through trauma, but these treatment modalities take into account the connection between the mind and the body, not just the mind.  I have nothing against psychodynamic psychotherapy.  In fact, my original training is in psychoanalysis and psychodynamic itreatment.  I also use cognitive behavioral therapy for some clients.  But when it comes to trauma, I find the mind-body oriented psychotherapies to be most effective.

If you think you might have PTSD or trauma symptoms, you owe it to yourself to get help.  I will provide websites below so you can find licensed mental health professionals to help you.  My personal recommendation is that you find someone who has a mental health license.  There are many people who do hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing who are not clinicians.  

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.  I've helped many clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Resources:

Somatic Experiencing:  Somatic Experiencing Treatment

Clinical Hypnosis:  American Society of Clinical Hypnosis

EMDR:  EMDR Treatment

Learning From Past Romantic Relationships

Looking back on past romantic relationships, do you see particular patterns that were consistent in these relationships?  It's easy to blame your former romantic partners for all the problems in those relationships or to blame it on bad luck.  What's more challenging is to see your own patterns in those relationships that you're continuing to perpetuate with each new relationship.  

Learning From Past Romantic Relationships

Looking at Your Own Recurring Patterns in Past Romantic Relationships
Not all relationships end because of recurring interpersonal patterns.  Many relationships end because  one of both people change in dissimilar ways and they no longer want the  same things.  People grow apart.  Sometimes, one or both people forget that relationships need to be nurtured and that neglect leads to the end of a relationship.

But when you can look back with a degree of objectivity, you might find that you, being the common denominator in all of your relationships, continue to engage in certain patterns that contribute to the demise of these relationships.  And, if this is the case, it's worthwhile for your own personal development, as well as the potential for having a successful relationship in the future, if that's what you want, to look at these patterns.

It's impossible to include all the possible recurring patterns.  The following fictionalized scenario demonstrates how learning from past romantic relationships can be beneficial to you.  As always, this  scenario is a composite of many different cases so that confidentiality is preserved.

Ann:
Ann, who was in her late 30s, came to therapy after a recent breakup.  The man she had been seeing for two years had just ended their relationship, and Ann was heart broken.  This was the latest in a series of breakups over the years in which the man she was dating ended the relationship.

Learning From Past Romantic Relationships

Ann wanted, more than anything, to get married and have a family.  She was very aware of her "biological clock" and that it might be difficult for her to get pregnant, so she was hoping her most recent relationship would lead to marriage and children.  But, instead, just like her prior relationships, it ended in heart break and disappointment.

When she started therapy, she blamed the breakups on a combination of bad luck and poor judgment in choosing the wrong men.  These relationships all started well.  With each one, she saw the potential for long term happiness.  But, gradually, she and her romantic partners began arguing about how much time to spend together and their divergent expectations about the relationship.

What made matters worse is that, whenever Ann entered into a new relationship, she stopping talk to and seeing her friends, so that when she needed emotional support, they expressed resentment towards her that they hadn't heard from her in a while and were annoyed that she called them only when she was having problems.

Ann had a hard time seeing this because she was so immersed in whatever relationship she was in.  She thought her friends "should" be there for her, even if she'd made no effort to be in touch with them for months.

Related to her problem of disengaging from her friends, she expected that her current romantic partner would supply all her emotional, intellectual and physical needs.  Even when she had a lot in common with her current boyfriend, inevitably, there were some interests that she had that he didn't.

When her current boyfriend didn't want to take up one of her particular interests, she became annoyed  and disappointed.  This led to arguments and her expectations and the arguments led to her boyfriends telling her that they felt suffocated by her and that it wasn't reasonable for her to expect to have all of her needs met in the relationship.  But this was contrary to Ann's basic assumptions and expectations in a relationship.

It took a while for Ann to be willing to explore her basic assumptions and expectations of relationships because she held them very tightly.  She wanted her boyfriend to be her "everything" and couldn't understand why anyone who was her boyfriend wouldn't want this too.  She also couldn't understand why her boyfriends wanted to see their friends and go to sports events or other activities with them when she was very willing to take up these interests.  This also created a lot of friction in her relationships.

As we explored her history of relationships, there was no evidence to suggest that she had a string of bad luck or that these men had particular problems that contributed to the breakups.  The problem in all of these relationships was, primarily, that Ann wanted to create an exclusive dependency between her and her boyfriend, and she refused to see that this created recurring problems in her relationships.

Even if she found a boyfriend who wanted the same kind of intense dependency that excluded other people, having  such an insular relationship would have been emotionally unhealthy.  Often, sooner or later, people get bored and the individuals and the relationship becomes stagnant.  One person can't meet all your needs.

It took a while for Ann to be willing to look at herself rather than externalizing her problems in relationships.  Family history played a big part in her views.  Ann needed to learn how to be in a relationship and how to maintain and nurture her friendships.

Learning From Past Romantic Relationships

At that point, she was able to change her usual dynamics and she was a lot happier in a new long-term relationship and in her friendships.

Getting Help in Therapy:  When You're Open to Looking at Your Own Recurring Patterns in Relationships, You Have an Opportunity to Make Changes
As I mentioned previously, this is just one possible example of a recurring pattern that can cause relationships to end.

When you're able to be open and objective about the role that you play in current and prior relationships, you can change recurring dysfunctional patterns.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many individuals and couples to overcome patterns that have created obstacles for them.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at 212 726-1006 or email me: josephineolivia@aol.com.

Also see my article:  Making Changes Within Yourself to Have the Life You Want

Is Your Envy Ruining Your Relationships?

Envy is defined as the emotionally painful feeling you have when you perceive that someone has something that you want and don't have, whether it's a possession, an attribute, a relationship, a new baby, a job, and so on.  Envy is a complex emotion.

Is Your Envy Ruining Your Relationships?

There Are Degrees of Envy

Like any other emotion, there are degrees of envy.  A mild form of envy, for instance, might involve wishing a friend well for getting married, but wondering why she found happiness in a romantic relationship and you haven't.  Why does she get to have a wonderful husband while you're having difficulty meeting someone?  This is a more benign form of envy.  A more malicious form of envy might involve not only wishing that you could meet someone wonderful like your friend did, but also secretly hoping that her relationship fails.  There is a bitter and toxic quality to this form of envy that is corrosive to your sense of self as well as to maintaining relationships.

Your Envy Sets Up a Rivalry Between You and Others
When you feel envious of people close to us, you set up a rivalry between you and them, even if the rivalry remains in your mind and you never express it.  When you're envious, you see the other person as being luckier, better looking, more intelligent (or whatever other attributes you ascribe to the other person) than you.  This may or may not be realistic.  But whether or not it has objective reality often has little to do with envy.  In fact, if you're immersed in envious feelings, you might have already lost any objectivity in the matter because you're so focused on others.

Strong, Pervasive Feelings of Envy
When you experience pervasive feelings of envy, where you're constantly comparing yourself to others in an unfavorable way, you tend to see life most of the time in terms of what others have and you don't.  Your perspective is filtered through the lens of feeling that what you have is inadequate compared to others.  You tend to feel deprived most of the time and this can lead to feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.

Pervasive Feelings of Envy Are Often Related to Childhood Deprivation
When envy is pervasive in most of your life, it often stems from early childhood deprivation, whether the deprivation was emotional, physical or both.  In these types of situations, you continue to feel the longings you felt when you were a child.  At that time, you deserved to be loved and taken care of but, for whatever reason, you were deprived instead.  Your longing to be nurtured was legitimate and real.

This type of longing usually doesn't disappear when you become an adult.  As an adult, this longing, which is "carried" emotionally by your inner child, usually manifests as envy.  When it's a pervasive feeling of envy, these feelings become distorted.  What is real for the deprived inner child becomes displaced on others in a distorted way when you become an adult.

Pervasive Envy Can Ruin Relationships
Pervasive envy can ruin relationships, including family relationships, marriages, friendships, and relationships with colleagues.  If you're constantly complaining to others that you feel they have better opportunities, relationships or possessions, it's a big turn off to them.  After a while, they'll feel guarded around you and might not want to be around you.  At best, they'll see you as petty and, at worst, they'll see you as someone who is too self centered to be around.  Chances are good that they won't understand that these pervasive feelings of envy come from earlier experiences.  And, even if they do, they still might not want to deal with your envy.

People who feel pervasive envy are often not aware that this is what they're feeling.  They usually believe that their feelings are objectively true and not a distortion.  In their eyes, other people are luckier, more attractive, and so on, than they are.  Their focus is on others and not on themselves.  It can be very painful to realize that these envious feelings are distortions in their minds.  But once they develop this awareness, there's an opportunity, if they're open to it, to change.

Envy Can Become a Self Perpetuating Pattern
Living with constant feelings of envy can be a self perpetuating pattern.  The more you feel it, the more intense the envy becomes.  There are people who live their entire lives comparing themselves unfavorably to others.  They take no responsibility to change what they don't like in their own lives because they're too immersed in feeling resentful towards others.  This creates an increasingly deep sense of unhappiness and bitterness.

Getting Help to Overcome Envy
If you're someone who is stuck in the rut of feeling envious towards others and you're so focused on what other people have that you don't, you owe it to yourself to get professional help from a licensed mental health professional.  Doing inner child work can help you to overcome envy and feel better about yourself.  In addition to preserving the important relationships in your life, you can also improve your sense of self and the quality of your life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  I have helped many clients to lead more fulfilling loves.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To  set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Is Envy Ruining the Quality of Your Life?