Making Peace with the Aging Process

Making peace with the aging process isn't always easy.  Several months ago, I was with a friend (I'll call her Betty, which isn't here real name).  Betty, who was about to turn 60, showed me photographs of herself when she was in her 20s and 30s.  She was reminiscing about those earlier days, lamenting  the aging process, and wishing she was a young, slim and attractive as she appeared in her earlier photos.  

A week later, we were together for her 60th birthday bash.  Surrounded by her husband, family, and friends, Betty was beaming with happiness and appreciation.  One by one, her husband, daughters and friends stood up and made toasts to her.

Making Peace With the Aging Process

Then, Betty's 85 year old mother, Joan, stood up to make a toast.  Still vibrant and in good health, she made a poignant toast to Betty, thanking her for being such a wonderful daughter, wife, mother, and friend to everyone at the party.  Then, she also talked about how happy and grateful she felt to be alive, in good health, curious and still learning new things almost every day.

Afterwards, I spoke to Joan to find out more about her wonderful attitude towards life in general and the aging process in particular.  She told me that she approached every day with a sense of openness and curiosity.  She remained involved in her hobbies and interests, and she maintained close friendships.  

She let go of petty resentments and forgave people who had hurt her.  She hardly spent time thinking about getting old.  Of course, she had lost her husband and many dear friends along the way, which was hard, so she wasn't in denial about her age or that she would die one day.  But she felt she still had a lot to look forward to and a lot to offer, so she didn't want to waste her time worrying about getting older and death.

Living in a culture that's obsessed with youth and good looks, it's hard not to be affected by worries about the aging process.   This is why I was so impressed with Joan's positive attitude about aging and her philosophy about life.  I thought how wonderful it would be if we could all approach the aging process with such openness and grace.   

I recently had a chance to speak with Betty about her party and, in particular, what her mother had to say about aging.  Betty said she had also been reflecting on it.  She said she also realized how much she had to be grateful for.  She had a loving husband and family, good friends, and good health.  She was  gainfully employed and loved her work.  

After hearing her mother speak at her party, Betty said she made a commitment to herself to stay focused on how lucky she is and to appreciate all the inner resources and strengths she developed over the years. She said when she was in her 20s and 30s, she was filled with self doubt and apprehension about the future.  It wasn't until she was in her 40s that she began to develop a degree of self confidence.  She told me that she wouldn't go back to how she felt when she was younger for anything in the world.

Remembering our self worth as mature adults can be challenging when we're bombarded on a daily basis by messages that it's better to be young and good looking.  Sometimes, we need good friends or supportive family members to remind us of who we really are inside, where it counts the most.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Coming Out as Gay While You're in a Heterosexual Marriage

Coming out as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender can be a challenging process for people who have considered themselves to be heterosexual for most of their lives.  It can be even more challenging and confusing if you're already in a heterosexual marriage.  

Coming Out as a Gay Person While You're in a Heterosexual Marriage

The following composite vignette, with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, illustrates some of the challenges as well as hope and new possibilities for someone who "came out" while in a heterosexual marriage:

Martin:
Martin and his wife, Sally, were married for 10 years.  They mutually decided not to have children before they got married.  Before they got married, Martin told Sally that he had a few sexual encounters with men while he was in college.  But he told her that these were just part of his youthful explorations   as a young college student, and he definitely considered himself to be heterosexual.

Sally thought of herself as an open-mind person, and she had no doubt in her mind that Martin was heterosexual.  She believed Martin when he told her that he had no sexual interest in men.

After 10 years of marriage, their sex life had waned,  It was never very passionate, but neither of them minded.  Martin often came home so exhausted from work that he usually fell asleep before Sally.  They spent their weekends either socializing with friends or family or going out together to one of their favorite museums, restaurants or to the theatre.  Overall, they were both happy in their marriage--until Martin met Paul, a new business client at work.

Paul was a very handsome "out" gay man who was well liked by his business associates for his talent in business as well as his outgoing personality.  Martin's boss considered Paul's company to be an important account, and he wanted Martin to make Paul's company a priority.  As a result, Martin was expected to take Paul out from time to time to work on projects.

Martin felt comfortable with Paul.  It didn't matter to Martin that Paul was gay.  He enjoyed working with him and enjoyed his company.  After a few dinners and over more than a few drinks, Paul asked Martin if he had ever been sexual with a man.  When Martin looked  uncomfortable, Paul apologized and said, "I'm sorry.  I hope you don't mind my saying this, but when I first met you, I was sure you were gay. "  Martin told Paul that he was happily married to Sally, and he definitely considered himself to be heterosexual.  Martin made light of the Paul's comment, and then he tactfully changed the subject.

But, as he drove home, Martin was shaken by Paul's comment.  He wasn't as much offended by his remark as he was confused.  He wondered what Paul might have seen in him to make him think he was gay.  When he mentioned Paul's remark to Sally, they both laughed about it.  But Martin found it difficult to fall asleep that night, and he couldn't stop thinking about it for days.

When it was time for Martin to meet Paul again for dinner, Martin felt anxious.  But he also realized that he was looking forward to seeing Paul.  This made him feel uncomfortable.  He wasn't sure what this was all about.  He knew that he had always enjoyed Paul's company in the past, but there was something different about this.  He tried to invite one of his other colleagues to the dinner, but no one was available on such short notice, so he had to see Paul on his own.  He thought of canceling the dinner, but he knew his boss wouldn't like this, so he met Paul for dinner.

They talked about the business project, which had been going well.  All the while, it was beginning to dawn on Martin that he was physically attracted to Paul.  He rationalized to himself that Paul was a very handsome and charming man, so most people, whether they were gay or heterosexual, would find him attractive. But it bothered him that he felt this way.

After they finished talking about work, Paul mentioned that he was in a long-term relationship with his partner, Tom.  He explained that he and Tom were in an open relationship.  They considered themselves to be primary to each other, but they each saw other men from time to time, mostly for sexual encounters.

Martin talked to Paul about his relationship with Sally, but all the while he felt distracted and confused about his growing attraction to Paul.  After a few drinks, Paul placed his hand gently on Martin's hand.  Martin didn't move his hand away.  He was as surprised by Paul's gesture as well as his own reaction to it.   By the end of the evening, Martin, who had drank quite a bit, went back with Paul to his hotel room and they had passionate sex.  It was the most exciting sex he ever had.

Martin was deeply troubled by his sexual encounter with Paul.  He told himself that he loved his wife, he wasn't gay but, for some unknown reason, he was very drawn to Paul.  He told himself it was something in particular about Paul.  He rationalized that he had much too much to drink that night and he wasn't thinking clearly.  But he had to admit that he enjoyed having sex with Paul, and this bothered him a lot.

When he met Paul for dinner the next time, he refused to drink.  He also told Paul that he made a terrible mistake by going back to his hotel with him--that he was a happily married man, he wasn't gay, and he didn't want to cheat on his wife.  But by the end of the evening, Martin allowed himself to be seduced again and he went back to Paul's hotel.

This was the beginning of Martin's sexual affair with Paul.  Whenever he thought about his wife, Martin felt deeply ashamed.  He didn't want to hurt her, and he didn't want to leave her.  He especially didn't want to think of himself as a gay man.  He didn't even want to think of himself as being bisexual. He told Paul that he didn't understand what was happening to him.  But he had to admit to himself that having sex with Paul was the most exciting sex he had ever had in his life.  He told Paul that he didn't want to put any "labels" on what they were doing.  No commitments.  No promises.

After a few months of getting together with Paul nearly every day, Martin was becoming increasingly unhappy and ashamed.  He didn't like that he was leading a secret life and lying to Sally.  His sex life with Sally had come to a complete halt.  He kept telling her that he was too tired to have sex, and she didn't seem to suspect anything.  He felt highly conflicted about what he was doing.  Each time he told himself and Paul that he wouldn't continue with the affair, he broke his own promise to himself.

When Martin found himself spiraling into a depression, he contacted a therapist who specialized in working with men who considered themselves heterosexual but who were sexually involved with gay men.  It wasn't an easy decision, but he knew he needed to do something.  He couldn't keep leading a double life.

Over time in therapy, Martin was able to accept that he really preferred men.  He realized that his sexual attraction to Paul was not just about Paul--it was about all men.  He also realized that his sexual encounters in college frightened and confused him, which caused him to deny his own feelings for men.  He still loved Sally, but he knew he couldn't keep living a lie.

Soon after that, Martin "came out" to Sally.  He told her about the affair he was having with Paul.  Sally was very shocked and upset.  They both cried.  After the initial shock, Sally was remarkably understanding.  She was hurt and angry that Martin cheated on her, but she knew she needed to let him go.  She loved him enough that she wanted him to be happy.

Martin joined a "coming out" group for men in heterosexual marriages.  He found a lot of support in the group.  He also heard stories that were very similar to his own.  He learned that "coming out" would be a process, and he had to take it one day at a time.

Over time, Martin accepted that he preferred men.  He and Paul ended their affair, and Martin met a man online that he fell in love with.  He continued to face challenges in terms of "coming out" to friends, relatives, and colleagues, but these challenges were easier to face with the support of his therapy and his support group.

The Challenges of "Coming Out"
The vignette above is one of many different scenarios that people face when they are "coming out" while in a heterosexual marriage.

Some people continue in their heterosexual marriage and never fully admit that they are gay or bisexual, not even to themselves.  They live painful, compartmentalized lives because they can't come to terms with their sexual orientation.

Other people tell themselves, as Martin did, that they're really not gay--it's just something in a particular person that they're drawn to.  Others have gay affairs all their lives while remaining in a heterosexual marriage.  They live double lives, ashamed and angry with themselves, always fearing that they'll get caught.

Living in a limbo state can be very painful.  Only you can decide what your sexual orientation is, but an experienced mental health practitioner can guide you through the process of self discovery in an unbiased, nonjudgmental way.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're in a heterosexual marriage and feeling ambivalent or confused about your sexual orientation, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to get professional help with an experienced licensed mental health practitioner.

If you live in NYC, you can find support groups at the NYC LGBT Center.

You can also contact the GLBT National Help Center.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who has experience helping adults who are struggling with issues around sexual orientation.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping Strategies in Mind-Body Psychotherapy: Remembering Your Happiest Memories

Mind-body oriented psychotherapy, like clinical hypnosis, EMDR or Somatic Experiencing, usually begin with "resourcing," which is another way of saying developing coping strategies before any work on trauma or other issues begins.  One of the most common ways of beginning resourcing is for the therapist to ask clients to bring in 10 happy memories. 

Depending upon which mind-body psychotherapy method is used, the therapist helps clients to amplify and integrate these experiences so that clients can call upon them as part of their coping strategies in the work.  This helps clients by giving them tools to use either in their daily lives or in session if they come to a particularly difficult part of working through a problem or memory.

As a psychotherapist in NYC, I use all three treatment modalities (EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, and clinical hypnosis) in my work with clients.  After the initial consultation and getting some history about the problem as well as family history, I usually begin by teaching clients the Relaxing Place meditation, which is a place (either real or imagined) that they choose.  

I help them to get into a light meditative state and then I assist them to experience their relaxing place with as many of their five senses as possible.  Then, usually, if they feel comfortable, I ask them to visualize themselves "anchoring" the experience somewhere in their bodies so they can call on this relaxing place whenever they need to help themselves to relax.  I usually ask clients to practice this meditation at home so that it becomes second nature to them to call on it when they need it.

Happy Memories as a Resource in Mind-Body Psychotherapy

Usually, after I teach clients to do the Relaxing Place meditation, we work on their happiest memories.  These memories, which are chosen by the client, can be from any time in their lives:  from early childhood to the present.  The entire process is collaborative. Clients choose which memory to begin with in our session.

To give you an idea of how this works, I've included the following fictionalized vignette:

Linda - During the Resourcing Stage of Psychotherapy Work:
When Linda came to therapy to work through issues related to an abusive childhood.  She had been in talk therapy before and she made some progress on these traumatic issues. But she discovered that her traumatic childhood was still having a negative effect on her ability to be in a romantic relationship.

After the initial consultation and history of the trauma and family history, we worked together on the resourcing phase of treatment.  She had never done meditation before, so she was somewhat concerned about whether she would be able to do the Relaxing Place meditation.  But with my support and encouragement, Linda came up with a place in the country that she experienced as peaceful.  I guided her into a light meditative state and helped her to use her five senses to experience this place on a deeper level.

Everyone has different abilities with regard to his or her senses.  Some people can closes their eyes and visualize in detail, while others have a better sense of hearing (like when you "hear" a song in your mind).  Others have a better sense of smell or tactile sense.  It doesn't matter whatever abilities you bring to this experience.  The most important thing is to be able to experience the relaxing place on some level.

The next step involves using your imagination to take this experience and imagine placing it somewhere in your body, sensing that you're storing in your body--wherever it feels right to you.  So, some people picture themselves storing it in their hearts or in their stomachs.  There's no right or wrong with this.  It's whatever works for you.  Practicing the Relaxing Place meditation at home helps you to consolidate this experience.

When it was time to work on her 10 happiest memories, Linda had some difficulty.  She came up with two memories to start, so we work on those.  The first happy memory was about the first time she performed at a dance recital when she was 10 years old.  Although she had been nervous before she went on stage, once she began to dance, she felt completely in the flow of the dance.  She felt light as a feather as she relied on the body memory of the dance to carry her along.  She felt unbelievably happy at that moment, and the dancing felt effortless.

We worked on this memory by getting Linda to re-experience these feelings in her body--the flow of the dance, the muscles in her legs as she moved, the feeling of lightness in her torso, and so on.  We worked on this as if she were re-experiencing it in slow motion so that she could experience it in a very nuanced way.

We also focused on how happy she felt and where she felt this happiness in her body.  She said she experienced the happiness as an expansiveness in her chest and in her shoulders and arms. We spent time with these sensory experiences so she could amplify them.  So, whereas in her original experience, she might have been barely aware of these feelings because they passed so quickly, we spent time to allow them to deepen.  Then, I helped Linda to use her imagination to "anchor" the experience in her body so that she could call on this experience at any time.  She chose to "anchor" it in her heart.  As she was doing this, she was also aware that, with her eyes closed, she was seeing a deep royal blue color.  Her association to this color was that it was a powerful color for her, so we incorporated it in this "anchoring" process.

Over time, Linda began to realize that she had other happy memories that she had not thought of in a long time.  This wasn't surprising to me because it often happens that people who think they have few happy memories will come up with other happy memories once we begin the process.  We also used those happy memories as part of the resourcing process with Linda "anchoring" those experiences in her body too.

After we completed the resourcing phase of treatment, which was about three sessions in her case, we began to work on the trauma.  Linda was able to use her Relaxing Place meditation and the happy memories we worked on whenever she felt she needed to, both in session as well as between sessions.

Remembering Your Happiest Memories as a Resource in Psychotherapy

Everyone is Unique When it Comes to Coping Strategies and the Resourcing Phase
Everyone is different when it comes to the resourcing phase of treatment.  Some people start with strong internal and external resources that they developed before they started treatment, so they don't need as much time in the resourcing phase.  Other people haven't developed adequate resources, so they need more time in this phase.

Some clients come to treatment wanting to start working on their trauma on Day One.  Often, they have  been dealing with the repercussions of their trauma for a long time, so it's understandable that they would want to work on it as quickly as possible.  But rushing into trauma work isn't a good idea.  Clients need to be adequately prepared to be able to deal with whatever might come up, and doing resourcing first is an essential part of that work.

The resourcing phase helps to ensure that clients are more likely to have an emotionally safe experience in therapy.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.



photo credit: Khatleen Minerve (Sakura) via photopin cc

photo credit: *Leanda via photopin cc

Overcoming the Morning Blues

If you struggle with the morning blues, you're not alone.  Millions of people wake up in the morning and want to go right back to sleep because they find it hard to face the day.  Assuming you've gotten enough sleep, the temptation to go back to sleep can be a way to avoid facing the day.  For many people who are confronted with the morning blues, their attitude is "Why bother?"  They have a sense of purposelessness. But you can overcome the morning blues by changing the way you approach the start of your day.

Overcoming the Morning Blues

One way to overcome the morning blues and that negative inner voice that can be so self defeating is to start each day with something that will inspire you.

Overcoming the Morning Blues

You'll need to plan this ahead of time so that when you wake up, it's available to you when you wake up.  For each person this will be different.  It can include:

Read an Inspiring Passage:
Many people find it uplifting to read an inspiring passage, whether it's spiritual material from one of the many One Day at a Time books or other reading material.

Overcoming the Morning Blues: Read an Inspiring Passage, Write Down Your Dreams, Set an Intention for the Day

Starting your day by reading an inspiring passage can change your attitude for the day and challenge your negative self thoughts.

Write Down Your Dreams:
Rather than giving in to that "Why bother?" negative inner voice, wake up with the goal that you'll write down your dreams.  

The best time to write down your dreams is when you first wake up.  If you keep a pad and pen by your bed and tell yourself before you go to sleep that you want to remember your dreams, you're more likely to remember your dreams.  Your dreams can provide you with interesting insights into yourself.  Some people discover that they become more in touch with their intuition once they start paying attention to their dreams.

Set the Tone with an Intention for the Day:
This is something you can decide before you go to sleep.  Alternatively, you can give yourself the suggestion before you go to sleep that you want to wake up with an intention for the day (see my article:  The Power of Starting the Day with an Intention).

Either way, having an intention for the day gives you a sense of meaning and purpose.  For instance, if your intention for the day is to be more compassionate, you can observe yourself throughout the day:  Are you getting impatient and angry with your coworkers?  Are you getting irritated with other drivers on the road?  Instead of being impatient and irritated, how might your attitude be different if you were more compassionate and put yourself in the other person's shoes for a moment?

Practice Morning Meditation:
Taking even just a few minutes every morning to start your day with morning meditation can change how you feel when you wake up and your attitude throughout your day (see my article: Wellness: Safe Place Meditation).

If you're new to meditation, there are many meditation CDs or downloads that can lead you through a guided meditation if that's what you would prefer.  You can also just spend a few minutes with your eyes closed observing your thoughts.  Whenever a negative thought comes to mind, just see it go by like a cloud passing in the sky.  Don't hold onto it.

Practice Yoga:
Whether you go to a yoga class to begin your day, which I highly recommend, or you do a few yoga poses on your own, beginning your day with yoga poses can be an uplifting way to start your day.  Not only will you quiet your mind, but you will feel more relaxed and refreshed.

Volunteer in Your Community:
When you wake up with the intention of helping others, you're less likely to be consumed with negative self thoughts.

Overcoming the Morning Blues: Volunteer in Your Community

There are many nonprofit organizations that need volunteers.  Not only is it a good feeling to be helping others, but you also can often feel gratitude for what you have in your own life.

Keep a gratitude journal:
Before you go to sleep each night, you can write down things you feel grateful for in your life.  They don't need to be big things.  They can be about the simple things in life that you might usually overlook: finding a parking space without having to drive around for a long time, hearing from a good friend, eating a delicious meal, and so on (see my article: Journal Writing Can Help Relieve Stress and Anxiety).

Overcoming the Morning Blues: Keep a Gratitude Journal

If you get into the habit of writing down at least three things every night, you'll begin to sensitize yourself to all the things you can feel grateful for in your life.  When you do this before you go to sleep, it can set the tone for when you wake up.

Overcoming the morning blues can be challenging, but not impossible.  Often, it's a matter of overcoming habitual negative thinking.  In other words, it's possible that the morning blues has become an unconscious habit that can be overcome with new positive habits.

Getting Help in Therapy
These are some ideas about how you can overcome the morning blues.  If rather than the morning blues you're feeling depressed, these ideas can be helpful.  But if they're not and your feelings of sadness and purposelessness last more than two weeks, you should seek the help of a licensed mental health practitioner who has experiencing working with clients who are depressed.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Holding You Back From Achieving Your Goals?

Does this sound familiar?  You've thought about your goals.  You've written them down.  Maybe you've even set a time line for when you want to accomplish your goals.  Everything looks good on paper.  But when it comes to actually taking steps to implement your plans, you feel like something is holding you back.  You're stuck.  Whenever you try to take steps to begin your plan, you're stymied.  Then, you feel frustrated and confused as to what's holding you back.

What is Holding You Back From Achieving Your Goals?

There are many people who come up with great goals for themselves.  They're great at coming up with ideas, writing them down, and organizing their ideas. But when it comes to actually taking the necessary steps to accomplishing their goals, they freeze in their tracks.

There can be many reasons why someone gets stuck when it comes to taking action.  The reasons are as varied as the individuals who have this problem.

The following is a composite vignette about someone who has problems taking steps towards his goals:

Barbara:
Barbara dropped out of college when she was 20.  She spent most of his freshman year in college partying.  Although she did very well in high school without having to make much of an effort, all of her partying and cutting classes caused her to be on academic probation in college.  She realized she wasn't ready to be in college, so she dropped out.

What is Holding You Back From Achieving Your Goals? 

Barbara felt very ashamed that she left college and that she had been on academic probation. She had always been an "A" student. She felt that she had let down his family.  They were shocked to hear that Barbara had problems in college.

Not knowing what else to do, Barbara found a job in a retail store.  After a year of being a sales associate, Barbara was very bored at work.  During that time, she learned to be more responsible and she began to yearn for more intellectual stimulation.  She realized that she could probably work her way up in the retail business, but she wasn't interested.  So, she did some soul searching, talked to her family and friends, and she realized that she wanted to become a teacher.  In order for her to become a teacher, she needed to return to college.

As part of her goal setting, Barbara made a list of everything that she needed to do to reapply to her college.  She obtained all the information that she needed from her college, and all she needed to do was fill out the forms.  But whenever she tried to sit down to fill out the forms, she hesitated.  She kept finding other things to do, none of which were important.

With the deadline for submitting her paperwork looming, Barbara realized that her continued procrastination would cause her to miss the fall semester and she would have to wait another year to reapply.  Even the thought of remaining in her boring job didn't spur her on to take care of the necessary paperwork. She tried talking to her friends and family.  Her best friend offered to sit with her for moral support.  But Barbara found that she just couldn't do it.  Every time she sat down and attempted to complete the paperwork, the result was always the same.

Finally, Barbara's mother suggested that she get professional help because time was passing, and it was clear that she had some sort of emotional block.  Barbara chose to see a psychotherapist who was trained in clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing.  Working with hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing, Barbara discovered and confronted her shame and fear of failing again. She was able to build her confidence and overcome her procrastination.

When she returned to college, Barbara had a new appreciation for being there.  She felt she had a purpose and  she was able to work on her goal to become a teacher without feeling fear or shame.

Fear and Shame Can Hold You Back:
Fear can be a powerful emotion that can stop you in your tracks if you don't know how to overcome it. The combination of fear and shame can be even more powerful.

Getting Help:  Talk Therapy Might Not be Enough
Often, talk therapy only gets you so far in overcoming the emotional obstacles that hold you back from accomplishing your goals.  

For many people, experiential psychotherapy, like EMDR, clinical hypnosis or Somatic Experience, is much  more effective for overcoming these emotional blocks.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing and EMDR therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.  I've helped many clients overcome the emotional blocks that keep them from leading fulfilling lives.  

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Ignoring the Early Warning Signs in Your New Relationship?

It's very easy to ignore the early warning signs in a new relationship.  Often, in hindsight, people recognize that there were glaring warning signs early on of problems that they chose to ignore.  If you've never done this yourself, and most of us have at one point or another, you might wonder why anyone would choose to ignore these warning signs of problems to come.

Are You Ignoring the Early Warning Signs in Your New Relationship?

One common reason is that when you really like someone during the early stage of a relationship, you might have blinders on without even realizing it.  Other people, who are not involved in the relationship, might be able to see these early warning signs a lot faster.  They might be more objective than you, especially if you're really smitten with this new person.  Another reason is that it's easy to have romantic fantasies about someone you really like before you really know him or her very well.

You might not see the early warning signs in your new relationship because you're wearing blinders.

The following fictionalized vignette is an example of how easy it is to ignore the early warning signs of problems in a relationship:

Gina:
The first time that Gina went out with Ray, she thought she detected alcohol on his breath.  It was early afternoon and she wondered about this, but she dismissed these nagging thoughts, telling herself that he often entertained clients, and he might have met a client for brunch, including drinks, before he came to see her.  Rather than focus on her doubts, she chose to focus on having a good time with Ray.  She really liked him and she thought he might have all the qualities that she wanted in a man.  She was hoping that they would eventually be in a relationship.  She often had secret fantasies about how it might be to be in a committed relationship with him.  Maybe they'd get married.  She didn't want anything to get in the way of a serious relationship developing between them.

When she went out with him for a fifth date, he took a call from someone and placed a bet on a football game.  Gina noticed how happy and excited he became as he placed the bet.  It was like he was experiencing "a rush." After he got off the phone, he turned to her and said, somewhat sheepishly, "I hope you don't mind that I took that call from my bookie.  There's the potential to make big money on this bet."  Gina, who was a little naive about these things, had never known anyone who had a bookie. She wondered about this, but she quickly brushed it off.  Her feelings for Ray were getting deeper, and she didn't want to spoil the evening.

As they continued to see each other, Gina found herself thinking about Ray nearly all the time.  One day, when they went out to dinner, Gina noticed that Ray wasn't his usual dynamic, optimistic, charismatic self.  He seemed distracted and somewhat down in the dumps.  When she asked him about it, he told her that he lost a lot of money in a poker game.  Then, he seemed to shrug it off and brighten up, saying he would recoup his money in the next poker game.

A few days later, when he came to see her, Ray was noticeably drunk.  He was slurring his words and he was a little unsteady on his feet.  Realizing that Gina could see that he was drunk, he suggested that they stay at her apartment rather than go out.  He said he didn't want to risk getting pulled over by the police.  Gina was concerned at this point and asked Ray about his drinking.  Ray responded that he was   having "a cycle of bad luck," he lost more money at poker, and he had a few drinks to calm his nerves.  He assured her that he didn't have a drinking problem.  Gina wondered about this, but then she told herself that Ray had a very responsible and successful career.  If he was really an alcoholic, she thought to herself, he wouldn't be so successful.  She told herself that he was probably going through a rough patch and she shouldn't worry about it.

Then, several months later, a few days went by and Gina didn't hear from Ray.  This was unusual because he usually called her every day.  She tried to reach him, leaving messages on his voicemail, but he didn't call her back.  She began to worry and wonder if something happened to him.  Since she had the key to his apartment, she went over, rang the doorbell, and when he didn't answer, she let herself in.  What she saw shocked her.  She froze at the threshold.  The apartment, which was a beautiful, luxury apartment in a doorman building, was a wreck.  Whenever she had been there in the past, it was always so well maintained.  But on that day, there were liquor bottles strewn all over the floor and the whole place looked like it had been turned upside down.

When Gina recovered enough to walk into the bedroom, her mouth dropped open when she saw Ray in bed with two scantly dressed women, and all of them were snorting cocaine.  When he saw Gina standing there, he shouted at her to get out.  Gina had never seen Ray like this before.  She was so shocked by what she saw that she felt frozen on the spot for what seemed like a long time.  When Ray got out of bed and lunged at her, Gina ran out in tears.

For a few weeks after that, Gina refused to take Ray's calls.  She felt like a fool.  He left several messages apologizing for his behavior, he sent apologetic emails, and sent her flowers.  He was relentless in pursuing her.  She began to feel harassed by him.  Finally, she sent him an email and told him never to contact her again, and he never did.

Gina was very upset with Ray, but she was even more upset with herself.  She realized that, all along, there had been signs that Ray had an addictive personality, but she chose to ignore these early signs.  Now, in hindsight, she realized that she kept making excuses for his behavior.  As she talked about what happened to her best friend, she realized that she had done this several times before with other men.  At that point, she recognized that she had a propensity to ignore some obvious "red flags" with men she was interested in, and she no longer trusted her judgment.  At that point, she decided to start therapy to break this pattern.  She never wanted to go through anything like this again.

Learning from Experience

Hindsight is 20-20

As the saying goes, "Hindsight is always 20-20."  When we look back and reflect on it, it's so much easier to see our mistakes than when we're in the situation.  Rather than beating yourself up about it, it's much better to learn from these experiences and to stop making the same mistakes.

Learn From Prior Experiences in Relationships

Sometimes, people can learn to overcome these errors in judgment on our own.  For other people, who continue to make the same mistakes over and over again, it's often worthwhile to seek professional help from a licensed mental health practitioner.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you continually find yourself ignoring the early warning signs in one relationship after the next, you owe it to yourself to get professional help.  When you learn to stop ignoring the signs that there are serious problems, it's possible for you to make better choices and enhance the quality of your life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist  

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Photo Credits: Photo Pin

Overcoming Childhood Trauma that Affects Your Adult Relationships

Many people are unaware of how much their attitudes and feelings about relationships are affected by early childhood traumatic experiences.  Attitudes and emotions can be unconscious, especially when it comes to romantic relationships.  

When we start to observe our own thoughts and feelings about relationships, we can begin to question in a more objective way whether or not these thoughts and feelings are distorted based on childhood experiences. 

Overcoming Childhood Trauma that Affects Your Adult Relationships

The following is a vignette which, as always, is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Angie:
Angie, who was in her mid-30s, came to therapy because she had longstanding problems in her relationships with men.  Her pattern was that she would meet a man that, initially, she would really like but, after a while, she would begin to fear that she could not trust him.

Angie was aware that these feelings of mistrust weren't based on anything that was actually going on in the relationship.  It was more of a sense that she got.  She would try to dismiss her fear, but it would become increasingly uncomfortable for her to remain in the relationship.  Soon after that, she would find it too uncomfortable and she would end the relationship abruptly.  The pattern was that, after she ended the relationship, she would feel relieved for a while because she was no longer consumed with fear.  But soon after that she would feel very lonely and question whether she had been right to end the relationship.

There were times when she was in and out of the same relationship, unable to decide if she should stay or if she should go.  Her ambivalence and fear created emotional chaos for herself as well as whoever she was seeing at the time.  It also made her feel unstable and unsure of herself.  She felt she couldn't trust her own judgment in these situations.

After a particularly difficult relationship ended, where she was in and out several times, she decided that she needed psychological help to try to understand why she was unable to maintain a relationship with anyone.   She was beginning to worry that she wouldn't ever be able to sustain a romantic relationship.  She wanted to be in a stable relationship, get married, and have children.  She feared that if she didn't change, she would never get married and she wouldn't have children.

Angie's early childhood was chaotic.  Her father, who was a salesman and an active alcoholic, had difficulty holding onto a job.  As an intelligent, charismatic man, he would impress employers, initially, as a very promising salesperson.  He had a way with customers that soon won them over.  At the start of each job, he would be making good commissions on the services that he sold.  But sooner or later, his performance would suffer due to his alcoholism.  He would stop showing up for work.  He would stop responding to customer calls.  And soon after that, he would be fired.

Angie's mother was rather passive.  She tried as best as she could to keep the family financially afloat, but the family finances were often precarious.  They also moved around a lot from one city to the next as Angie's father lost one job and started another.  Angie would only spend one or two years in a particular school, making friends and then having to say goodbye when the family moved to a new city.

Angie loved both of her parents a lot, but she also felt angry with each of them.  She couldn't understand why her father, who was a loving dad, couldn't just stop drinking.  Whenever he was "on the wagon," he seemed happier and more optimistic. At those times, she felt hopeful that he was on an upward spiral.

He would come home from work, whistling a tune, pick her up, swing her around, kiss her mom, and talk about his workday in a glowing, happy way.  During those times, Angie saw her dad as her hero.  She felt there wasn't anything that he couldn't do.  Unfortunately, those times didn't last very long.  Then, Angie would find her father in the den, brooding, consumed with his own thoughts, drinking whiskey, and in a dark mood.  If he saw her looking at him, he would silently close the door.

Angie could never reconcile these two sides of her father.  After a while, she learned to be very vigilant  to try to determine if he was the happy, loving father that she loved or if he was in one of his dark, emotionally inaccessible moods and often drunk states.  She worried a lot, and she hated her mother at times for being so passive.

By the time she went away to college, Angie was relieved to be away from her parents.  She continued to worry about them but, at least, she didn't have to be in the day-to-day chaos of life at home.  In high school, she had both male and female friends, but she didn't date, feeling too shy and unsure of herself. In college, she began to feel a little more confident, which enabled her to start dating.

From the start, Angie felt increasingly anxious whenever her feelings for a man developed to more than just a physical attraction.  Her friends were her sounding board about her relationships, and she would spend a lot of time talking to them about whether she could trust whoever she was seeing.  When her fears became unbearable, she would break off the relationship, often against her friends' advice.  They would try to tell her that her fears were baseless, but she couldn't tolerate her anxiety any more and would feel compelled to end the relationship.  This became her pattern in relationships.

Overcoming Childhood Trauma that Affects Your Adult Relationships

In therapy, Angie started making connections between her chaotic relationships and the chaos of her childhood, especially her relationship with her father.  But this was only the beginning.  

Having an intellectual understanding of her problem was not enough to allow her to change her pattern in her relationships.  She needed to work through the earlier trauma.  Her therapist recommended that they work through the earlier trauma using a mind-body oriented psychotherapy called Somatic Experiencing.

Using Somatic Experiencing, Angie was able to develop not just an intellectual understanding about her problems but, more importantly, she able to overcome the damage of her earlier history so that it no longer dominated her adult life.  Over time, she was able to develop a satisfying relationship with a man  without being overcome by her usual fears.

Somatic Experiencing - A Mind-Body Psychotherapy
Somatic Experiencing is not a "magic bullet."  It requires an openness and willingness to do trauma work.   As opposed to regular talk therapy, it tends to be more effective in allowing psychotherapy clients to overcome emotional trauma that has been affecting them, often for many years.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist who works with individual adults and couples.  I am certified in mind-body oriented psychotherapy.  

I have helped many clients to work through childhood trauma that had been negatively impacting them so that they could lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see article:  Fear of Dealing with Past Childhood Trauma