Repeating the Same Behavior and Expecting Different Results

I was talking to a friend recently about the idea of "repeating the same behavior and expecting different results." She gave me permission to tell her story as part of my blog because she thought it might be helpful to other people. So, let's call my friend Donna (not her real name).

Repeating the Same Behavior and Expecting Different Results

Several years ago, Donna was expressing her ongoing frustration to me about her boyfriend's compulsive overspending. She and I talked about this numerous times. She usually said something like, "I told him, 'If you don't stop overspending, I'm going to stop bailing you out,' but does he listen to me? No. He just keeps overspending and I keep lending him money to pay his bills."

Donna and her boyfriend were caught in vicious cycle of his overspending and her bailing him out and then her feeling resentful about it. She knew she was caught in a cycle, but she didn't know how to get out of it. At the time, she couldn't understand why he didn't change.

One day, I came across a poem by Portia Nelson called "There's a Hole in My Sidewalk" and I thought of Donna and her habit of continually bailing out her boyfriend and continually feeling resentful about it. So, the next time that she complained to me about her boyfriend's overspending and her efforts to bail him out, I said to her, "It sounds like you have a hole in your sidewalk." She looked at me as if I was crazy, but before she could say anything else, I gave her the poem:

There's a Hole in My Sidewalk - By Portia Nelson

Chapter One:
I walk down the sidewalk.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find my way out.

Chapter Two:
I walk down the same street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It's my fault...I get out immediately.

Chapter Four:
I walk down the same street.
There is a big hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five:
I walk down another street.

After she read the poem, Donna smiled and said, "I see what you mean. I keep falling into the same hole. I need to walk down another street."

Shortly after that, Donna found a therapist to work on this issue, and she also started attending Al-Anon to deal with the codependent dynamics between her and her boyfriend. When her boyfriend approached her the next time to tell her that, once again, he ran up his credit cards and he wanted to borrow money from her, she told him that she couldn't lend him the money. 

It was very hard for her to break her usual pattern of bailing out her boyfriend because she had been doing it for so long and he had come to expect that she would bail him out. So, of course, there was no incentive for him to change because he never had to face the consequences of his behavior. She told him that he would have to figure out some other way to deal with his debts. Needless to say, her boyfriend was very unhappy with this response and he couldn't believe that she wouldn't lend him the money.

Donna's refusal to continue in the same codependent behavior caused a big argument between them, and her boyfriend ended their relationship. 

The breakup was very hard for Donna. She went through several months of emotional pain and doubt as to whether she had done the right thing by refusing to lend her boyfriend money. Several times, she wanted to pick up the phone and tell him that she was wrong and try to reconcile their relationship. But deep down, she knew that she had done what was right for herself as well as for him.

A year later, Donna met the man who eventually became her husband. She is very happy in her relationship and, in hindsight, she realized that refusing to keep "falling down the same hole" over and over again with the same results was one of the best things that she had ever done for herself.

Making a change is a process. And changing an established pattern can be very difficult. First, you have to be aware that you're engaging in this pattern and recognize the consequences of it. It's very easy to be in denial and to blame other people or external circumstances. If and when you do become aware of an ongoing pattern that is not bringing you the results that you want, you have to be willing to change. Once you have established the willingness to change, you need to take action to stop repeating the same pattern.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're caught in a cycle where you continue to repeat the same behavior with the expectation of different results, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who can help you through the change process.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Becoming Aware of What We Offer in Our Interactions with Others

"Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared."
Buddha

Someone shared this aphorism with me this morning. It's attributed to Buddha, even though I'm not a Buddhist, I've been thinking about its meaning throughout the day in terms of my everyday interactions with friends, family, and clients.

Living and working in NYC, in any given day, I interact with many people of diverse ethnic backgrounds, ages, races, cultures, traditions, and economic backgrounds. It seems to me that what most of us have in common is that we want to lead happy, peaceful, and meaningful lives, no matter who we are, where we come from or what our hopes and dreams are for the future. So, it's worthwhile, from time to time, to consider what we offer others in our daily interactions.

Are we mindful of the effect that we have on others?

Do we offer encouragement or discouragement?

Do we offer compassion or indifference?

In one of my prior articles, I discussed the idea of emotional saboteurs primarily from the perspective of the person who might find themselves faced with someone who, however unwittingly, might sabotage their endeavors. But it occurs to me that, if we are not mindful about it, anyone of us could be on the other end of this dynamic--being the one who might be emotionally sabotaging others. It could happen so easily without our even realizing it.

Even in our most simple daily interactions, there's often room for compassion and kindness to others, even when we might not be able to see it at first.

Mindfulness in Your Everyday Interactions with Others
I'm reminded of a brief interaction that I had several months ago with a cashier at the organic store where I usually get my dinner before I see clients in my psychotherapy private practice.
Usually, I'm in a hurry to buy the food and go back to my office for a short dinner break before my first evening client arrives. There is a particular cashier in this store who is usually cheerful and pleasant. But she looked worried, sad and distracted that day.

I was really struck by this because it seemed so unusual for her, and I usually looked forward to seeing her and exchanging pleasantries with her. But on this day, I could tell that there was something very wrong. Not wanting to intrude, I asked her how her day was going, opening up the possibility for her to talk about whatever might be going on, if she wanted to.

She seemed relieved to be able to tell someone what she was worried about, and she began to tell me about how worried she was about a medical bill that she received in error that her insurance company refused to cover. Without getting into the details of this woman's problem, after she told me about it, I realized that she was getting the runaround from the insurance company as well as the hospital. And it seemed that she was being taken advantage of because she's not from this country originally. Her bill was in the thousands of dollars and she had no idea how she would ever pay for it on her cashier's salary.

Since I'm a clinical social worker, as well as a psychotherapist, and I've helped many people with this type of problem over the years in the past, I was able to give her information about who to call and what she could do to advocate for herself. For me, it was a small gesture that took almost no time or effort on my part. But for her, it was very valuable information because she said that no one, including the social workers at the hospital, who should have been able to help her, was being helpful. Knowing that she had rights as a patient and knowing that there was something that she could do, changed her whole demeanor. She looked like her usual cheerful self again and she was very grateful.

When I went into the store the next time, she went out of her way to greet me and tell me that she was able to resolve her problem using the information that I gave her, and the hospital and the insurance company straightened out the mistake so everyone involved agreed that she was not responsible for the hospital bill. Ever since that time, she has been even more pleasant and friendly whenever I've seen her. And she was able to tell me that, once she resolved that problem, it had a positive ripple effect on her family, who had also been worried about the bill.

This is a simple example. It's not meant to brag about my good deed or to say how wonderful I think I am, but to show that any one of us , each in our own way, can have a positive effect on someone else's life without having to make very much of an effort, if we are mindful of the opportuniites when they come along. And that positive effect that we have on one person can ripple through to others.

On another day, if I had been distracted or too much in a hurry or if I had decided not to ask this woman how she was, there might have been a very different outcome for her and her family. And for me too--because afterwards I realized that it often takes so little in our interactions with others to have a positive effect.

We Can Affect Positive Change through Mindful Interactions with Others
And, most of the time, just like the candle in the aphorism at the beginning of this article, whether we are sharing our happiness, inspiration, or information, our efforts do not take anything away from us. If anything, these interactions with others allow us to see that, in a world where we often feel that we are powerless to affect change, we can often affect positive change in the lives of others, one person at a time.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Ambivalence and Codependence in the Mother-Daughter Relationship

The topic of conflict and ambivalence in the mother-daughter relationship is the subject of this article. One article in a blog cannot do justice to this topic but, hopefully, it can serve as a starting point for many similar articles and it will be thought provoking (see my articles: Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships and Letting Go of Resentments in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships

The complexity of the mother-daughter relationship is derived, in part, from the fact that mothers and daughters share a biological and often certain psychological factors. 

As such, mothers often see themselves in their infant daughters, at times, projecting their own unfulfilled hopes and dreams on their infant daughters. 

In turn, daughters learn to identify with their mothers. A certain amount of maternal idealizing is a normal part of a daughter's development. 

However, when the identification or idealization interferes with a daughter's psychological development, this often interferes with the normal separation and individuation process that is necessary for the daughter to mature into her own person.

Clinical Vignette:

The following vignette which, as always, represents a composite of numerous cases illustrates how ambivalence and codependence between a mother and daughter as well as an over identification by the daughter for the mother kept the daughter stuck and unable to develop into her own person without feeling like she was betraying her mother.

Donna:
When Donna began therapy, she was in her early 30s. She was already quite successful in her career. As she saw it at the time, her presenting problem was that she had a long history of problems in her romantic relationships with men. 

Her relationships always began well. However, as soon as the relationship became serious, Donna became extremely ambivalent about it and found some way to sabotage it. When she began therapy, she was in a one-year relationship with a man that she loved very much and who also loved her. She saw the potential for a good marriage with this man, but she was very frightened to make that commitment with him, and she could not understand why.

Donna's family history included her parents' divorce when she was five years old. Prior to that, she remembered a lot of arguing between her parents, who were not well suited for each other. After the divorce, the father remarried within a couple of years. However, Donna's mother sank into a depression and she began to drink heavily.

As an only child, Donna remembered feeling responsible for her mother's happiness. Her mother poured out her sorrows to Donna, and Donna did her best to try to make her mother happy by listening to her, trying to entertain her with funny stories from school, being an "A" student, and trying never to bother her mother with her own concerns. 

As a result, at a young age, Donna and her mother switched roles, and Donna became a parentified child. She learned to anticipate her mother's needs before her mother even expressed them. She even cleaned up her mother's mess when her mother got drunk and threw up around the house. For this, Donna's mother rewarded her by telling her what a wonderful daughter she was, and this made Donna feel good.

Donna's relationship with her mother continued in this way until Donna became a teenager, and she began to express a need to spend more time with her friends. Donna's mother never actually stopped Donna from going out with her friends, but when Donna got home, she often found her mother in an irritable, sullen state.

She never told Donna directly that she was unhappy that Donna was beginning to achieve a certain amount of independence that is a normal part of adolescence but, indirectly, she complained about how lonely she felt when Donna was out and how hard her life was as a single mother. 

This made Donna feel very guilty for leaving her mother alone and for going out and having a good time with her friends. At those times, Donna worked extra hard to get back into her mother's good graces. After a while, Donna's mother was appeased and, once again, she rewarded Donna by telling her that she was the best daughter that a mother could have.

At times, Donna turned down her friends' invitations to go out because she didn't want to leave her mother alone and unhappy. She also feared that her mother would drink more when Donna was out, which was often the case. At least if she was there, Donna thought, she could monitor her mother's alcohol intake and help her mother to go to bed when she was too drunk.

After her parents' divorce, Donna had virtually no contact with her father. She feared that her mother would be upset if she maintained a relationship with her father, so she ignored his phone calls and, after a while, he stopped calling.

During that time, dating boys was out of the question in Donna's mind. Her mother was very bitter about her own divorce and she would often tell Donna how awful men were. Donna was interested in a couple of boys at school, who also expressed an interest in her, but Donna felt that it would be a betrayal to her mother if she began dating boys. So, rather than dating, she stayed home with her mother and catered to her needs.

When it came time for Donna to apply for college, one of Donna's teachers, who had an intuitive sense of what was going on in Donna's home, encouraged Donna to go away to college. A part of Donna longed to be away and attend a college with an active campus life. However, a stronger part of Donna didn't want to leave her mother alone. So, she opted to go to a local college, even though other colleges offered her better opportunities and a chance for a full scholarship.

By the time Donna was a sophomore in college, she began to feel depressed and lonely. She didn't know why she was feeling this way, so she went to the student counseling center. With the help of her college counselor, Donna began to see that she was missing out on many of the social activities that other students were enjoying and that she also wanted to attend.

So, gradually, Donna became more social and, soon afterwards, she started dating, much to her mother's chagrin. By that point, Donna realized that she needed to have a social life of her own, but she continued to feel guilty and that, in some way, she was betraying her mother by spending less time with her and more time with her friends.

By the time she graduated, Donna was offered an excellent job opportunity in NYC that she knew she could not afford to pass up. With much ambivalence and guilt about leaving her mother, she moved to NYC to begin her new career. However, she called her mother several times a day to "check in" on her and to listen to her mother's problems. She also visited her mother frequently on weekends.

When Donna entered into her first serious relationship, she was wary of telling her mother. She feared that since her mother had such a low opinion of men, her mother would disapprove of her being in a relationship. 

When Donna finally summoned the courage to tell her mother, her mother acted as if she had not even heard her. She never expressed any curiosity about this man or even asked Donna how the relationship was going. This made Donna feel very sad and guilty--as if she was doing something wrong by having a life of her own and being in a relationship, as if she wasn't entitled to her own happiness.

Shortly after that, Donna began finding faults with her boyfriend and they started arguing. Within a few months, they were broken up. When Donna told her mother about the breakup, her mother responded by telling her to come home and spend time with her. Her mother seemed to have no recognition that Donna was heart broken.

This same pattern continued in most of Donna's relationships. She felt pulled between the man that she loved and a "loyalty" that she felt for her mother. By the time that Donna came to see me, she was miserable. She was also aware that she was ruining an otherwise wonderful relationship with a man that she really loved. But she didn't know how to stop engaging in this behavior.

We began by doing inner child work to help Donna understand and appreciate the root of her problems. Over time, she learned to have more compassion for herself when she was a child and as an adult. She also started to see how her own inner emotional conflict caused her to feel that she had to choose between her boyfriend and her mother.

With a lot of work in therapy, Donna started feeling more entitled to have a happy life and not to sacrifice her life for her mother. She also learned to see that her codependent relationship with her mother was not helping her mother or her. 

So, gradually, over time, she changed her behavior towards her mother. Rather than calling her mother several times a day, she called her once a week. Rather than spending hours on the phone listening to her mother's problems and trying to "fix" them, Donna encouraged her mother to get help.

Donna's mother did not respond well to this new change in Donna. After a few weeks of this, Donna's mother refused to talk to Donna and told her that she would talk to her when Donna "came to her senses again." 

This was a serious emotional challenge for Donna, and part of her wanted to revert back to her old behavior to "rescue" her mother. But, deep down, Donna realized that she needed to stick to what she knew was best for her and her relationship with her boyfriend. 

She also realized now that her mother would never get help for her alcoholism as long as Donna provided her with an emotional crutch. So, even though it was very difficult for her, Donna refrained from reverting back to her former dysfunctional way of relating to her mother.

After several months, Donna's relationship with her boyfriend improved substantially. Even though she missed her mother, Donna realized that she felt happier than she had ever felt and she finally felt entitled to her happiness. She also reconciled her relationship with her father.

About a year later, she received a call from her mother. Her mother told Donna that she had just completed a 28-day rehab and she wanted to reconcile her relationship with Donna. And, for the first time, she told Donna that she wanted to meet her boyfriend. This was the beginning of Donna and her mother having a healthy relationship together without much of the guilt, codependence, and ambivalence from the past.

Healthy Mother-Daughter Relationships
Even though this article focuses on ambivalence and codependence in mother-daughter relationships, I want to also say that there are many mothers and daughters who have healthy relationships. 

Healthy Mother-Daughter Relationships

Even mother-daughter relationships that begin with the sort of enmeshment, codependence and ambivalence that were involved with Donna's relationship with her mother often improve when one or, preferably both, people get psychological help.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you are part of an emotionally unhealthy mother-daughter dynamic and you want to establish a healthier relationship, you could benefit from attending psychotherapy with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and EMDR therapist in New York City.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see Mother-Daughter Relationships Over the Course of a Life Time

Do You Feel Like a Child Again During Family Visits?

What is it about family visits that make so many people regress to feeling like young children again? How is it possible that people who function very well in their every day lives--whether they're teachers, firefighters, or CEOs of major corporations--can be reduced to feeling like helpless children during a visit home to their families?

Feeling Like a Child Again During Family Visits

For many people, family visits are a time when they look forward to seeing their parents and siblings. They're fortunate to have nurturing relationships with their families, so going home is a positive experience. 

But for others, who are not as fortunate, going home to see parents is fraught with conflict and stress. Some people describe family visits as if they are tiptoeing through an area filled with land mine. They feel they must think carefully before they broach any topic that might set off either an argument or emotional estrangement.

Many people are surprised that they can feel so confident and mature in their every day life, but when they return to family's home, they feel like children again. They find themselves reacting to the same old emotional triggers that caused problems between themselves and their families when they were growing up.

A Clinical Vignette: 

The following scenario, which is a composite of many clients with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, is an example of the challenges that many people face when they visit their families on holidays and feel themselves regressing back to their childhood:

Roger:
Roger was known in his firm as a tough and tenacious litigator. Whenever his law firm had a difficult case, the senior partners would call on Roger because he had a reputation for being one of the best attorneys in his field. He loved his work and would often spend long hours preparing for a case. He was also in a loving, stable, long-term relationship with his girlfriend, and they planned to get married.

On most days, Roger felt like he was on top of the world. He never backed away from a challenge. But all of that changed whenever he went home for a family visit, especially on Mother's Day. As he described it, he could feel himself transforming from a successful, mature adult to an angry child the moment he set foot in his parents' house. Both his mother and father overwhelmed him with unsolicited "advice" that felt like veiled criticism about everything from how to maintain his apartment to how to manage his money.

He could feel the anger rising up in him during those times because he felt infantilized by his parents. It didn't seem to matter that he was already in his early 40s, he earned a very good living, he owned several properties, he had a good relationship and good friends, and he was generally considered a very successful person by most people's standards. Notwithstanding of all this, his parents felt the need to tell him what to do, how to do it, and when to do it, and this infuriated Roger.

But what infuriated Roger the most was that he "took the bait" in these situatons every time. Even though he vowed to himself each time not to allow his parents to get him angry, he always reverted back to feeling like the angry child that he was when he lived at home with his parents. Once this dynamic was set in motion, he felt himself sliding down that same old emotional slippery slope every time.

This was Roger's presenting problem when he started psychotherapy. He wanted to be able to visit his parents (whom he really loved, despite how angry he often felt towards them) and maintain his sense of himself as a competent adult without the emotional regression. He wanted to be able to spend quality time with them without feeling emotionally triggered by their behavior when they treated him like a child.

To that end, after exploring his childhood relationship with his parents, Roger and I planned for his next visit on Mother's Day. He already knew that his mother tended not to like his Mother's Day card or any gift that he gave her. He knew that, even though his parents were well meaning, they still saw him as their youngest child who needed their "advice." He also knew that something happened to him whenever he was in their presence. He felt trapped, like a child who could not leave his parents' home and who was forced to endure behavior that humiliated and infuriated him.

Regressing to Feeling Like a Child Again During Family Visits

Before his next Mother's Day visit, Roger and I strategized about how he would maintain his sense of self as a competent, mature adult, and how he could set limits with his parents. Since these visits always made him feel anxious, we role played various scenarios which often occurred on his visits home. 

With practice, Roger felt more competent about handling the upcoming family visit. And whereas he usually did not feel entitled to set limits with his parents because he regressed emotionally to feeling like a child, with practice in our sessions, he was able to internalize that he was entitled to be treated like an adult. And if his parents had a need to treat him like a child, for whatever reason, that was their problem and he would not allow it to affect him.

On that Mother's Day, Roger visited his parents armed with the strategies that we had practiced in our sessions. He was still nervous and feared that he would sink back down into feeling like an angry, helpless child again before he would be able to implement these strategies. He also feared that his parents would not respond well to his setting limits with them. 

Nevertheless, he was able to stand his ground as soon as the unsolicited "advice" and veiled criticism started coming his way. At first, his parents seemed surprised. They had never experienced Roger push back before. 

But contrary to Roger's fears, he was able to set limits with his parents in a loving, tactful but firm way. It made him feel confident and empowered. And, from that day forward, his parents stopped treating him like a child, and he stopped feeling like a child in their presence.

Conclusion
Visiting your family on holidays like Mother's Day or Christmas can be an emotional challenge. But you can learn to change the dynamic between you and your parents during these visits. 

Often, when you change your way of relating to your parents, they will learn to respond to you as an adult and not a child. Often, the key is to learn what triggers your regression from a mature adult to feeling like a child and learn ways not to get triggered. 

That might mean setting limits on what your parents say to you, how they treat you or your partner, or it might mean spending less time with them during these visits, but making that time as enjoyable and meaningful as possible.

I knew a woman who used to hold onto her car keys in her pocket whenever she went home to visit her parents. Holding the car keys in her hand was a reminder to her that she was a mature adult who was not trapped in her parents' home like she was when she was a child. After a while, she no longer needed to do this because she internalized these feelings without the keys as "props."

Emotional regression during family visits is a common experience. Psychotherapy is often helpful to overcome these feelings. But there are no one-size-fits all strategies. Every person's experience is unique. 

Getting Help in Therapy

If visiting home brings up more intense feelings, like the type of feelings that come up that are related to childhood trauma, EMDR therapy or clinical hypnosis can be valuable in helping you to overcome trauma.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Beware of Emotional Saboteurs

Most of us have had the experience of being excited about a new idea or project, telling a friend or family member and having them douse our ideas with ice water before we've even gotten our ideas off the ground. Often, because the ideas are new for us, this could be enough to discourage us and tap into old feelings of inadequacy. There's nothing like an emotional saboteur to stop you in your tracks and make you doubt yourself to the point that you give up on your ideas.

What Are Emotional Saboteurs?
Emotional saboteurs come in all shapes and sizes, and there are both internal and external emotional saboteurs. This article will focus primarily on external saboteurs, but it's important to recognize that we have our own internal saboteurs that can get triggered by external saboteurs.

Beware of Emotional Saboteurs

External Emotional Saboteurs - The Anxious Saboteur:
External emotional saboteurs are often well meaning. On a conscious level, they often don't really mean to discourage us but, due to their own feelings of inadequacy or their own fears, they do just that. When we share our enthusiasm for a new idea with them, they become anxious. 

Without realizing it, they begin to find all kinds of reasons why our ideas won't work. On a conscious level, they might feel that they're protecting us from failure or from taking a risk. Often, they try to live their lives as carefully as possible, taking as few risks as possible. So that when they hear you talk about something that might involve a degree of risk, it's like an alarm goes off in their heads that says "Warning! Danger ahead!" and they want to spare you of what they perceive as a bad idea.

External Emotional Saboteurs: The Pessimist:
Another type of emotional saboteur is the person who is very pessimistic about almost everything. He or she can always find "the downside" to any idea or situation. If there is even one possibility in 1,000 that something could go wrong, this person will dwell on this one possibility and try to convince you not to go forward. They have all kinds of stories about people who tried the same thing and it never worked or they suffered some horrible fate. Since they are pessimists at heart, they almost never try anything that is new or risky.

External Emotional Saboteurs: The Office "Jungle Fighter":
Then, there are the emotional saboteurs who knowingly try to discourage you from any new creative endeavors. They might engage in emotional sabotage because they're envious or maybe they're competitive and wish they had come up with your idea. 

It's not unusual to find this type of emotional saboteur in the workplace. No sooner have they discouraged you from proceeding with your idea or project than they are talking it up with the boss as if it was their idea. When you find these emotional saboteurs in the workplace, they're like "jungle fighters," manipulative and cunning. They find insidious ways to discourage you and tap into your insecurities. For the more extreme types in this category, there's something sociopathic about them. They are only motivated by self interest and lacking in empathy for anyone else.

External Emotional Saboteurs: The "Expert":
In our enthusiasm to gather information about the ideas that we might want to pursue, we often consult with an "expert" in the field. This could be someone who has many years of valuable experience in the particular area that we're interested in.

Let's say, for instance, that you're thinking about writing a book. You might consult with an established writer or publisher or someone else in the field who has particular expertise in the area that you're interested in. 

If you choose the right person, you'll get balanced advice on your particular endeavor. You come away with valuable information that you can use to decide how to proceed. But if you choose someone who happens to be an emotional saboteur by nature, their "expert" opinion might be very discouraging. You might hear about how books are not selling due to the recession or that other people have written about the topic that you're interested in and they failed, and so on. 

This person might not be someone who can think "outside the box" and, for example, he or she might not give you ideas about self publishing. They've "been there," "done that" and they try to discourage you from going forward with your idea.

How to Distinguish People Who Give Sound Advice from Emotional Saboteurs:
When we're at the very beginning of a creative process, we're most vulnerable to emotional saboteurs. We have our hopes and dreams and, due to our enthusiasm and naivete, we can go to the wrong person who can dash our hopes before we even get our project off the ground. I often wonder how many writers, artists, dancers, or people in other areas have been discouraged by emotional saboteurs and abandon their ideas.

But how do we distinguish between people who are emotional saboteurs from people who might be giving us sound advice? It's often tricky to tell the difference. A lot depends on your own judgement about the person and the situation. 

So, for instance, if you're thinking of jumping into some get-rich-quick scheme or you're about to be, unwittingly, pulled into a scam, you want someone who is level headed to give you advice or share their own experiences with you to keep you from doing something that is foolhardy. Before you invest your hard earned money in some scheme that sounds too good to be true, you want to be able to listen to balanced advice with an open mind and consider that they might be right before you do something that is potentially harmful to you or your loved ones.

We Often Know, On Some Level, Who Will Be An Emotional Saboteur:
In my opinion, if we know the people that we're going to for advice, on some level, we often know who will be unnecessarily discouraging and who will be even handed with our new ideas. Why we would go to someone that we know would discourage us is a big topic for another article. Sometimes, on an unconscious level, a part of us feels inadequate and, without realizing it, we look to others to confirm our own sense of inadequacy. So, if this is your pattern, it's important to recognize this and learn to stop doing it.

Before you seek advice on new creative endeavors, it's important to think carefully about who you go to for advice. Sometimes, in the early stages of a new project, if you're sure that you want to pursue it and you have a chance for success, you have to use your discernment about who you talk to about it.

I'm not talking about being paranoid. I'm talking about protecting your new, sometimes not quite formed ideas from people who tend to be discouraging. Like the first tender shoots of a plant peeking through the ground, you don't want emotional saboteurs drowning your new ideas with their negativity. You might want to give your ideas a chance to germinate and grow for a while and gain more self confidence about them before you expose them to people who might tap into your own insecurities about them.

I don't know how many times I've heard people say that they started a writing project and gave it to friends to read and comment on only to have their friends criticize and tear it apart with no positive feedback or encouragement at all. Often, the writer will then either tear up the writing or shove it in a drawer never to see the light of day again, saying to him or herself, "I don't know what I was thinking when I thought I could write." After someone has had this type of discouragement time and time again, it's difficult to undo so they can get unblocked creatively and work again.

Psychotherapists As Emotional Saboteurs:
It pains me to say this, but in my own field there are some emotional saboteurs. I don't think that most therapists mean to be emotional saboteurs. Often, they don't realize that they're doing it. Unfortunately, unless a psychotherapist goes through psychoanalytic training, they're not required to go into their own therapy to work out their own personal stuff. This is an area that I wish would change, but I don't see it changing any time soon.

Most therapists have been in their own therapy or at least have obtained professional supervision to be able to distinguish their own feelings and history from their clents' problems. But some of them have not. So, if you're thinking about going into therapy, it's important to ask about a prospective therapist's background. By this, I don't mean that you ask personal questions about a therapist's personal background--I mean that you find out what their training has been. Even with training and personal therapy, some therapists, who might have pessimistic personalities, might end up, unwittingly, discouraging you from worthwhile creative endeavors.

Once again, that doesn't mean that if you're in therapy with a therapist who is trying to help you to see that something that you want to do is self destructive that your therapist is an emotional saboteur. You might just have a blind spot where you're not seeing that what appears to you as a good idea could be foolhardy.

Internal Emotional Saboteurs:
Our own internal emotional saboteurs can be like old tapes that play in our heads that tell us things like, "You'll never be able to do it," "You're not good enough," "Who do you think you are?" Often these are based on experiences that we've had as children. If we've had many of these experiences when we were growing up, these old feelings are right there on the surface waiting to be triggered in new situations.

Using Your Judgement and Intuition
When someone is thinking about embarking on a new idea, I usually encourage them to be discerning, avoid people that, in their heart of hearts, they know to be emotional saboteurs, and talk to more than one person. Then, after that, it's a matter of using your own judgement and intuition.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I have helped many clients to overcome their fears and creative blocks about new creative projects.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Relationships: Are You Projecting Your Negative Feelings About Yourself Onto Your Spouse?

When two people are in a long-term relationship, it's not unusual for one or both people to project their own negative feelings about themselves onto their partner. This is an unconscious psychological defense mechanism called psychological projection.

Projecting Your Negative Feelings About Yourself Onto Your Spouse

A few weeks ago, I received a call from a friend who wanted to vent her annoyance about her husband. I listened patiently for a while, and when she was through venting about his "laziness" and "neediness," I told her that I was surprised to hear her say these things. I've known my friend and her husband for many years, and I never would have characterized him as "needy" or "lazy." I've always thought of my friend's husband as being self reliant and very hard working.

So, as we were talking, I asked her if she really felt this way about him. At first, she insisted that this is how she really felt. Then, I asked her to give me some examples of these negative traits that she said her husband has. After a while, she realized that she couldn't really give me any examples. Then, she thought about this for a few minutes. And after she thought about it, she broke down crying, saying that she realized that she wasn't really feeling this way about him--this was really how she felt about herself.

We ended up talking for an hour. She went on to tell me why she feels this way about herself which, for purposes of this article, is irrelevant. But afterwards, she said she felt much better about her relationship and realized that she needed to do some work on herself in her own therapy. Part of what we talked about is that it's not usual for husbands and wives to project their own misgivings about themselves onto their spouses. Since my friend knows that I write a psychotherapy blog, she suggested that I write about this topic and use our conversation as a jumping off point.

Why Do People in Long-Term Relationships Project Their Own Negative Feelings About Themselves Onto Their Partners?
First, it's important to understand, once again, that this is an unconscious process. It's not like the person is saying to him or herself, "I can't accept these negative feelings about myself, so I'll put them onto my partner." Since it's completely out of their awareness, in most cases, they don't realize that this is what they're doing.

Often, the negative traits that they don't like about themselves are split off from their awareness. By that, I mean that they emotionally disown these feelings about themselves, in a sense, and because they're disowned, they're disavowed. These negative traits are so unacceptable to them that they cannot acknowledge that they belong to them. It's much easier to project them on someone else. In that sense, psychological projection is a defense mechanism and it protects the person who is doing the projecting from feeling bad about him or herself.

Even though this article is focuses on psychological projection between spouses, psychological projection can take place between any two people: parent-child, employee-boss, brother-sister, and so on. It often happens between spouses because they're together so much.

How to Recognize If You're Engaging in Psychological Projection:
At the beginning of my conversation with my friend, she was absolutely convinced that she was annoyed with her husband because she felt he was "lazy" and "needy." As I mentioned earlier, I allowed her to vent her feelings, but I was quietly thinking to myself, "Really? She really feels this way? She's never said this before. I know him a long time. Something about this doesn't sound right."

After my friend finished venting, I reflected back what she said to me and asked her if she really felt this way. Being an insightful and reflective person, after her initial insistence that she really felt that way, my friend thought about it some more. Since we've been friends for a long time, she also trusts my sense of her and her husband, and my response to her gave her pause.

After she thought about it for a moment, she realized what she was doing--she was projecting her own negative feelings about herself onto her husband. She felt badly for denigrating her husband and then made a commitment to talk to her therapist about these negative feelings that she felt about herself. Now, I don't think that she is any more"lazy" or "needy" than her husband, but these feelings are obviously deep seated in her. And whatever I might feel about her, what's important is that this is how she feels about herself right now, for whatever reason. And, as a friend, I can't be her therapist, so this is something that she'll work out in her own psychotherapy.

How Can You Stop Psychologically Projecting Your Own Negative Feelings Onto Your Spouse:
First, it helps if you have the ability to step back and think about these feelings. Try to put aside your anger and judgment towards your spouse and ask yourself, "Do I really feel this way?" "How do I know this?" "What objective evidence is there for this?"

Very often, because psychological projection is an unconscious defense mechanism, it's hard to separate out your judgments and emotions so you can be objective. If you have a trusted friend, it can help to talk to him or her about it, especially if this friend knows you and your spouse.

If you have some psychological insight into yourself and if you're ready to accept that these feelings might actually be about you and not about your spouse, you can go a long way to avoiding a lot of arguments and heartache between you and your spouse.

Getting Help in Therapy
Psychological projection can be very damaging to a relationship, especially if both people in the relationship are projecting onto each other, which is not unusual.

If you sense that you could be engaging in psychological projection and you find it too challenging to resolve this problem on your own, you could benefit from the help of a licensed psychotherapist who has expertise in this unconscious psychological defense mechanism.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with both individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Do Clients Leave Psychotherapy Prematurely?

This article will focus on the topic of when clients leave psychotherapy treatment prematurely. Of course, there are times when the time is right to leave psychotherapy. One reason could be because you've met your treatment goals, discussed ending treatment with your therapist, and you both agree that it's time for you to end treatment. 

Another reason could be that you know that the psychotherapist that you're seeing is not the right therapist for you. It's not a good match, and you're sure that this is the reason and you're not leaving treatment for one of the reasons that I've outlined below. But ending psychotherapy treatment is a topic for another article.

When Clients Leave Psychotherapy Prematurely

Why Do Clients Leave Psychotherapy Treatment Prematurely?

Clients Leave Psychotherapy Treatment Prematurely Because They Feel Annoyed About Something Their Therapist Said:
It's not unusual for there to be ruptures in psychotherapy treatment. After all, a therapeutic relationship is like many other types of relationships between two people. There are bound to be misunderstandings at times. A client might misunderstand something that the therapist has said. A therapist, being human, might not always be perfectly attuned to a client and might say something the represents an empathic failure. But rather than leaving treatment prematurely without saying something about it to the therapist, unless what has been said is egregious, it's much more valuable for a client to talk to the therapist about it at the next session.

Why is it worthwhile to tell your therapist if she has said something that hurt or annoyed you? Well, for many people, growing up in families of origin where they didn't have a chance to express themselves, it's an opportunity to be heard in a way that they've never been heard before. So, it can be a very empowering experience to assert yourself in this way. Also, often, after a rupture has been worked out in psychotherapy treatment, the treatment advances further than it might have without it.

Clients Leave Psychotherapy Treatment Prematurely Because They Feel "Stuck" in the Treatment Process:
When you begin psychotherapy, you're in the initial phase of treatment. During this phase, you and your therapist are getting to know each other. If you're new to therapy, you're also learning what it means to be a psychotherapy client and how the process works.

As I've mentioned in prior articles, some clients come to therapy expecting a "quick fix." Even when they come to treatment with complicated, multi-layered problems, they expect that their problems will be resolved in a few sessions. While there are certain problems that lend themselves to brief treatment, many problems do not. So, if you're feeling "stuck" early on in treatment, it might be that you're feeling impatient with the beginning phase of treatment.

It might also be that your treatment has reached an impasse because of some obstacle in the treatment either with you or with the therapist or between the two of you. But, before you leave treatment prematurely, it's best to talk to your therapist about how you're feeling. 

Then, not only are you able to express your feelings, but you can also find out how your therapist assesses the treatment at that point. Maybe the two of you need to change how you're working. Maybe there needs to be adjunctive treatment for a while with a second therapist. 

This is often the case with trauma, where regular talk therapy isn't enough and you might need to work briefly with a second therapist who does EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) or clinical hypnosis. Whatever the reason, it's a good idea for you and your therapist to have a check-in talk with each other every once in a while to evaluate the treatment.

Clients Leave Psychotherapy Treatment Prematurely Due to Financial Reasons:
It's not surprising that many clients have to think carefully about whether they can afford to attend psychotherapy, especially because it's getting harder and harder to find psychotherapists on managed care panels, and many people are now paying for their therapy out of pocket. But rather than leaving prematurely, if you're having financial problems, it's best to let your therapist know.

Many therapists work on a sliding scale basis and your therapist might be able to reduce your fee. Your therapist can also help you to look at your money issues. Money can be a complicated subject. Often, clients will say they can't afford to be in treatment when there are really other underlying issues. At times, it's easier to look at a concrete issue like money than to look at your fear of being in treatment. Other times, it might be a matter of looking at your priorities. 

Are you spending $10-20 a day on cigarettes? If you stopped smoking, not only would you have money for therapy, but you would also preserve your health. Are you spending money on other frivolous purchases as a way to momentarily boost your mood? If so, maybe that's something that you need to look at with your therapist.

Clients Leave Psychotherapy Treatment Prematurely Because They Become Fearful When Therapy Starts to Delve into Core Issues:
Compared to the other issues that I've discussed so far in this article, this is the most complicated issue. Why is it so complicated? Well, first, when clients become fearful of talking about core issues, they often don't realize that this is what's going on. 

It might be completely unconscious for them. They might think that they want to leave for other reasons that are really unrelated to what's really going on with them. 

This is often the time when clients might say that they can't afford to come to treatment any more or they don't have time any more. While these might be issues, it's always worthwhile for you and your therapist to explore if what's really operating is that you've gotten to a point in therapy where you're dealing with deeper, core issues and this is frightening you.

You might wonder how this could happen. After all, you might say, "Don't people come into psychotherapy treatment to work on these issues?" While it's true that clients start psychotherapy because they want to work on a problem and they're often motivated at the beginning of treatment, it's also true that many clients get frightened when the therapy actually starts to delve into the very issues that they came to work on. This is very common in psychotherapy.

Sometimes, clients take a "flight into health," meaning that they tell themselves and their therapists that they're feeling better now (when they're really not) and that they don't need therapy any more. This is a common reaction. When this happens, the challenge is to stick it out in therapy and to be willing to explore this with your therapist.

It might not be obvious to you that this is what's happening. But, often, if you step back and you're able to detach yourself from your fear of addressing your core issues, you and your therapist can work through this treatment impasse. Are you really feeling better or are you in denial and telling yourself this because you're too frightened to deal with core issues?

Maybe it means that the two of you need to address your fear of delving into the problem before you actually delve directly into your core issues. Maybe the two of you need to take a different tact in treatment or change treatment strategies. Whatever is needed in this situation, it's better to talk to your therapist rather than leaving treatment prematurely.

Since this is one of the most complicated issues as to why clients leave treatment prematurely, it's worthwhile to look at a composite vignette. As always this vignette does not refer to a particular client, but represents many clients who have this problem in common.

Alan:
Alan began psychotherapy because he had problems making a commitment in his relationship. He knew that this was a life long problem for him. Whenever he got close to a woman that he was seeing, he got frightened and left the relationship, even if he cared about his girlfriend very much.

A year prior to Alan starting psychotherapy, Alan began dating Paula. According to Alan, the first few months were great. But as the relationship started to get more serious and Paula wanted more of a commitment from Alan, Alan began to feel that old familiar fear again. He began giving himself all kinds of reasons why the relationship with Paula wouldn't work out in the long run. He never talked to Paula about what he was feeling, but he felt a mounting panic whenever she talked about the possibility of their moving in together.

Alan really loved Paula, and he didn't want to ruin their relationship because of his fears, so he came to therapy. During the first few months of therapy, Alan learned ways to cope with his panic so that he didn't act on it and end his relationship with Paula due to his fear. At that point, Alan actually enjoyed therapy. But when his therapist began exploring Alan's childhood issues in a highly dysfunctional family, Alan began thinking about leaving treatment.

Even though Alan knew that his life long relationship issues were related to his feeling abandoned as a child, when it came time to deal with this issue in treatment, he became frightened. At that point, he began cancelling therapy sessions or coming to his therapy sessions late so that there wasn't enough time to delve into these issues. He didn't realize that this is what he was doing. He always thought that his cancellations and latenesses were legitimate and unrelated to his feelings about what he and his therapists were talking about.

When his therapist spoke to him about his cancellations and latenesses as it related to what they were working on, Alan couldn't see the connection at first. He couldn't see that he was sabotaging his own treatment. So that, with so many cancellations and short sessions, the therapeutic work began to stall, and Alan and his therapist reached an impasse in treatment.

In order to have good treatment, clients need to come to their sessions on a regular basis. When a client misses too many sessions or comes to sessions late, the client can bring about the treatment impasse. A skilled therapist can point this out to a client, but if a client is unable or unwilling to see this, the client can end up sabotaging the treatment--often in the same way that he or she sabotages personal relationships.

While this was happening, Alan thought about leaving his therapist a voicemail message or sending an email that he thought treatment wasn't working and he was leaving. But Paula convinced him that this wasn't the way to end a therapeutic relationship and it would be better to talk to his therapist in person.

So, reluctantly, Alan came into his next session and told his therapist that he wanted to leave treatment. His therapist was able to reflect back to Alan just how anxious he had become once they began talking about his childhood. She also told him that this was not unusual.

When Alan heard this, he was able to relax a little and think back as to when he began cancelling sessions and coming in late. He realized that it coincided with talking about when his mother disappeared from the family household. His mother left when Alan was four, and Alan never saw her again. No one knew of her whereabouts. His father tried to manage as best as he could but, with five children, his father was often overwhelmed, he began drinking excessively, and Alan often felt alone.

When Alan got older, he thought of himself as being "independent" and "not needing anyone." But it was clear to his therapist that this was a pseudo independence. It was a defense against opening up his heart and getting hurt again. Alan had never recognized this before. When his therapist discussed this with him, it resonated with him, and he felt it to be true. He also knew that this was a breakthrough for him in his therapy. So, he decided to stick it out in treatment and not to run because of his fear. Whenever he felt the urge to flee from treatment, he talked about it with his therapist and each time he gained new insights into himself.

He also realized that when he felt fearful in therapy and he was tempted to leave, he was going through a parallel process in his therapy that was similar to how he felt in his relationship with Paula. In addition, he realized that his issues were complicated and treatment would not be brief.

Over time, as Alan continued to explore his childhood issues, he continued to gain new insights into why getting close to Paula was frightening for him. Rather than fleeing from his relationship with Paula or fleeing from his therapist, he learned to stay in these relationships and to manage his anxiety while he worked through his problems.

If You're Thinking About Leaving Treatment, Talk to Your Psychotherapist in Person:
Many clients feel too uncomfortable about talking to their therapists in person about leaving treatment. They will often leave a voicemail message or send an email. But when clients leave treatment in this way, they are short changing themselves and the treatment process (see my article: How to Talk to Your Therapist If Something is Bothering You About Your Therapy).

It's worthwhile to remember that the therapeutic relationship between a client and a therapist is still a relationship, albeit a professional relationship. You owe it to yourself and the treatment to talk to your therapist in person if you want to leave treatment or you're thinking about it.

Clients who leave voicemail messages or send emails to end treatment often regret it afterwards. Even if there are legitimate reasons to leave treatment, they've had no closure to the relationship. And it's not surprising that these same clients do similar things in their personal relationships by avoiding direct communication with people in their lives when there are unpleasant or uncomfortable things to talk about.

I hope this article has been helpful to you or someone that you know who might be thinking about leaving psychotherapy treatment prematurely. There are many other reasons why clients leave treatment prematurely, but the issues that I've discussed above tend to be the most common reasons.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Also, see article:  Returning to Therapy