How An Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life: Part 1

This is the first article in a series on how your attachment style affects your sex life. In the current article, I'm focusing on anxious attachment, which is one of the insecure attachment styles (see my articles: How Early Attachment Bonds Affect Adult Relationships, What is Your Attachment Style? and How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

The Anxious Attachment Style

Each attachment style has its own characteristics.  

How Your Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life

If you have an anxious attachment style, you probably:

• Use sex to get approval
• Fall in love easily
• Tend to mistrust romantic partners

In addition, if you have an anxious attachment style, you:

• Feel anxiously insecure
• Worry about what others think about you
• Become preoccupied or even obsessive about your romantic partner
• Have a very strong desire to be physically close to your partner due to your insecurity

With regard to your overall satisfaction with your relationship, you:

• Tend to feel dissatisfied with your partner and you can be difficult to please
• Feel misunderstood by your partner
• Feel unappreciated by your partner

Similar to many people with an anxious attachment style, you might:

• Be clingy
• Be dependent
• Demand a lot of attention and care
• Have a strong fear of rejection
• Be extremely jealous if your partner doesn't spend as much time with you as you would like
• Engage in mate guarding (see my article: Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding)
• Be overly worried about your appearance and might need a lot of reassurance that you're attractive

How Anxious Attachment Affects Your Sex Life:

If you have an anxious attachment style, you probably engage in some or all of the following behaviors:

• Engage in Sexual Activity, Even When You Don't Want To: You do this because you think it will prevent your partner from abandoning you. This includes becoming sexually active an at earlier age than most other adolescents--not because you want to--but because you feel you have to in order to hold onto someone you're interested in.  This often means you did things you didn't really want to do sexually.

• Use Sex to Get Your Partner's Attention: This includes attempts to get your partner to be attentive and show s/he cares about you.  Sometimes, this takes the form of manipulative behavior.

• Use Sex to Try to Get Close and Seek Approval: You engage in seductive behavior to get your partner to be close to you and to get his or her approval.

• Have a Negative Perception of Your Sexual Experiences: Due to your insecurity, you have a negative view of yourself and your sexual experiences.

• Have Self Doubt and Low Opinion of Your Attractiveness: You need your partner to constantly reassure you that you look good because of your low self esteem.

• Have Emotional Lability: You have emotional ups and downs based on how insecure you might be feeling.

In my next article, I'll provide a clinical example to illustrate how an anxious attachment style affects your sex life: How Your Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life - Part 2.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you identify with the characteristics described in this article, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with anxiously attached clients.

Rather than struggling alone, seek help so you can have a more satisfying life.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

What Can You Do If Your Partner Isn't Ready to Attend Couples Therapy?

In my prior article, I discussed how Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples can help a couple overcome problems in their relationship.  But what if your spouse or partner isn't ready to attend couples therapy? This is a common problem for many couples, and it's the topic of this article.

What If Your Partner Isn't Ready to Attend Couples Therapy?

Relationship Problems

Every relationship has its ups and downs.  

Many relationship problems, if they're not serious, can be resolved by the couple or, even if they're not resolved per se, the couple learns to deal with them without assistance. 

If you're considering couples therapy, chances are you and your partner have already tried to resolve problems on your own, but you haven't been successful.

Even if your partner agrees there are problems in your relationship, they might be uncomfortable talking to a therapist.

Starting Therapy Can Be Anxiety-Provoking At First

Going to individual or couples therapy, especially the first session, can be anxiety provoking (see my article: Starting Therapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious or Ambivalent).

Most experienced therapists know how to engage clients and help them to feel comfortable, but you and/or your partner might experience some of the following thoughts and emotions:

• You might be worried because you don't know what to expect.  
• You might feel embarrassed or ashamed to talk to a therapist.
• You might fear the therapist will judge you.
• You might fear that your friends or family members would judge you if you told them you're attending therapy.
• You're aware that going to therapy is against your culture or religion, so you feel conflicted about it.
• You don't know if therapy will be effective.
• You're afraid of what you might find out about yourself (or your partner) in therapy.
• You might worry about spending money on therapy if your budget is tight.
• You might be afraid that therapy will stir things up and make matters worse.

All of these are legitimate concerns that people sometimes grapple with when they go for an initial therapy consultation.

What to Do If Your Partner Isn't Ready to Attend Couples Therapy

On some level, you probably know you can't change anyone else, so attempts to change your partner are often counterproductive.

Rather than nagging, arguing or threatening your partner, which doesn't work, you can try some of the following suggestions:

• Accept You're Not in Control of Your Partner: 
• Recognize that you can't control your partner because they are their own person.

• Arguing, blaming and trying to force your partner to go to couples therapy will only make matters worse. You might get them through the therapist's door, but they might not be open to talking to the therapist.  

• Get Curious About Why Your Partner Doesn't Want to Go to Couples Therapy:
• Rather than being argumentative, get genuinely curious about your partner's concerns--even if you don't agree with them.  

• Try to keep an open mind and really listen to what your partner has to say.  Arguing with a partner about couples therapy often makes the unwilling partner dig their heels in even more.  Sometimes it might be a particular issue rather than a general issue.  For instance, a partner might be more comfortable with a woman or a man as a couples therapist, which you both can take into consideration when you're choosing a therapist (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist). 

• Focus on Yourself: 
• Once you realize you can't change your partner and it's counterproductive to argue, focus on yourself and attend individual therapy.  

• Although individual therapy might not change the dynamics in your relationship, it might give you a different perspective and help you to cope with the problems (see my article: Getting to Know the Only Person You Can Change: Yourself).

• Take Care of Yourself First:
• Even if your partner isn't ready to go to couples therapy, you can still take care of yourself. 

• You could benefit from learning new skills and new ways of communicating in individual therapy.  

• You might even be surprised to realize that you're contributing to the problems, and you'll be able to make changes on your end.  

• Sometimes, when the unwilling partner sees that their partner is in therapy and observes the beneficial effects of therapy, they become willing to participate in therapy.  This shouldn't be the reason why you go to individual therapy, but it can be an added benefit.  

Conclusion

I've seen too many couples where an unwilling partner, who comes to couples therapy, sits with their arms folded and refuses to talk.  

This not only makes matters worse, it's a waste of time and money.

You might feel that if you don't pressure your partner to attend couples therapy, you're giving up on the relationship, but you're not.  

What you're actually doing is stepping back, recognizing that your partner is a separate individual, and taking steps to take care of yourself.

Getting Help in Therapy

Working on yourself can help you to manage the stress you're experiencing in your relationship as well as in other areas of your life.

You can also learn new skills in individual therapy to cope and thrive.

Taking the first step of contacting a therapist can be the most challenging, but it's also the first step in taking care of yourself.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

What is Sexual Narcissism? Part 2: A Clinical Vignette

In Part 1 of this topic, I gave a definition, described the characteristics of this dynamic, and distinguished sexual narcissism from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).  In this article, I'm providing a clinical vignette to illustrate how the dynamics of sexual narcissism can play out in a relationship.

What is Sexual Narcissism?

What Are the Telltale Signs of a Sexual Narcissist?

As a brief recap, the following behaviors usually characterize sexual narcissists (see Part 1 for a more detailed description):

• Charming During the Initial Phase of a Relationship: Sexual narcissists like the thrill of the chase, so during the initial stage of a relationship they're often charming until they get what they want. 

• Grandiose Behavior With Underlying Low Self Esteem: Although their behavior is grandiose with regard to their perception of their sexual prowess, they often have an underlying sense of low self esteem.  

• A Focus on the Physical Over the Emotional: Their primary focus is on having sex--not establishing an emotional connection.  

• A Lack of Empathy For Their Partner: Their partner exists to please them.  They often don't see their partner as having their own needs and wants. 

• Negative Reactions If They Don't Get What They Want: They might get angry, critical, sarcastic or passive aggressive when they don't get what they want from their partner.

• Put Down Their Partner: In order to feel superior or manipulate their partner into doing what they want, a sexual narcissist will often belittle their partner by calling their partner names or putting them down in other ways.

• Treat Their Partner Poorly After Sex: After sex, they usually don't engage in cuddling or being affectionate with their partner. 

• Infidelity: The sexual narcissist is often unfaithful.  Once the thrill of the chase is over, they want to find the next person to pursue sexually because this is what they most enjoy--the sexual conquest.  They're often not concerned about whether their behavior will hurt their partner.

Clinical Vignette:

The following clinical vignette is based on a composite of many cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Carol

At the point when Carol sought help in therapy, she had asked her husband, Mike, to move out of their home due to his cheating.  

She explained to her therapist that throughout their courtship and 10 year marriage, she had discovered numerous incidents of his infidelity.  Each time she confronted him about it, she believed his promises not to do it again.  He seemed genuinely remorseful--until the next time.  Then, the cycle would begin again--as if he had never promised to change his behavior (see my article: Broken Promises).

The last straw occurred for Carol when she found out that Mike was having an affair with a casual acquaintance of theirs, Ann. Hoping to end Carol and Mike's marriage, Ann sent Carol a video of Mike and Ann having sex.

At first, Carol wasn't sure what she was seeing.  Then, when she realized she was looking at a video of Mike and Ann having sex, Carol was crushed.  

At first, as he usually did, Mike denied any involvement with Ann, but when Carol showed him the video, he was silent.  

Not being able to deny it anymore, he told Carol that he had sex with Ann once, and he wasn't aware that she was videotaping them.  Then, he went into a rage blaming Ann for being seductive and manipulative and for sending this video to hurt Carol and destroy their marriage.

Carol recognized his pattern of not taking responsibility for his actions, and she told him to move out that night.  In response, Mike begged Carol to allow him to stay so they could work things out.  He even agreed to attend couples therapy--something he refused to do when Carol had suggested it many times before.

Believing Mike was sincere, Carol allowed him to stay with the understanding they would attend couples therapy.  But a week later when she made an appointment with a couples therapist, Carol was disappointed and hurt to discover that Mike refused to go.  She realized that his offer to go to couples therapy was just another manipulation, so she packed his bags and insisted that he move out.  Reluctantly, he went.

Carol told her therapist she realized throughout their marriage she had been trying to get their relationship back to how it was during the initial stage of their courtship when they were in college and he was trying to persuade her to go out with him.  He was charming, funny and seemingly thoughtful.  But, at the time, she was in a committed relationship so she politely rejected Mike's offers to take her out.  

At first, she thought Mike would be dissuaded from pursuing her when he found out she was in a relationship with someone else but, as she looked back on it, she realized, if anything, Mike became even more persistent.  

When her boyfriend ended their relationship to return to his prior girlfriend, Carol was so heartbroken that when Mike approached her again for a date, she agreed to go out with him--even though her friends on campus told her he was a "player," also known as a womanizer (see my article: Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are Players).

She  reasoned to herself that he was attractive and funny, she was flattered by his attention, and she wanted a distraction from her heartbreak.

Initially, Carol thought she would only go out with Mike once or twice and it would help her to forget about her breakup.  But Mike was so charming and attentive that she kept seeing him.  At that point, she thought he was fun and exciting, and when she was with him, she didn't think about her ex.

Six months into their relationship, Carol found out through the grapevine that Mike had lied to her.  Not only was he secretly seeing other women on campus, he was also having an affair with an older woman in his hometown whenever he went home for a visit.

At first, Mike denied that he was cheating on her, but when Carol confronted him with photos posted on social media by the women he was seeing, he blamed her for his infidelity.  

He told her that she was neglecting him and spending too much time studying and participating in college activities.  He also blamed her for not meeting his sexual needs.  He told her that if she spent more time with him, he wouldn't need to see other women.

In retrospect, Carol told her therapist, this was the start of allowing Mike to manipulate her and blame her for their problems, which continued into their marriage.  

A month after their marital separation, Carol was ready to work on herself in therapy.  She stopped taking Mike's increasingly panicked calls or reading his text messages because she knew she had to put herself first and work on herself.

Through her work in therapy, Carol learned how her family history contributed to her problems.  She saw many of Mike's narcissistic and manipulative characteristics in her father, who also had multiple affairs, which her mother passively endured.  

Over the next year, she worked through her traumatic childhood history with EMDR therapy as well as the trauma she endured in her relationship with Mike (see my article:  How Does EMDR Therapy Work: EMDR and the Brain).

During that time, Carol continued to block Mike from calling or sending email or text messages to her.  But eight months into their separation, he sent her a letter where he said he was devastated by their separation.  For the first time in their relationship, he said, he felt genuinely remorseful and he wanted to change, so he was attending individual therapy.

Initially, Carol didn't believe Mike.  He had lied to her so many times before so she didn't see any reason to believe him now.  At the time, she was consulting with an attorney to begin divorce proceedings.  

Carol was also feeling much better about herself and she didn't want to endure any more emotional abuse from Mike.  But at the end of his letter he asked her to come to one of his sessions to meet his therapist, and Carol was curious:  Was it possible for Mike to change?

After she discussed this with her therapist, Carol agreed to attend one session with Mike and his therapist.  It was awkward, at first, to see Mike in his therapist's reception area after having no contact with him for so long.

During the session, Mike's therapist explained that he had been treating Mike for sexual narcissism, and he explained how sexual narcissism is related but different from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD (see my article: What is Sexual Narcissism - Part 1).

Mike's therapist also talked about the progress Mike had made in coping with his sexually compulsive and impulsive behavior.  In addition, at the start of therapy, he sent Mike for a psychological evaluation to rule out Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), which is often related to sexual compulsivity and other impulsive behavior, and the tests revealed no ADHD.

He suggested that they attend Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples to see if they could work out their problems in couples therapy (see my articles: What is EFT Couples Therapy? and How EFT Couples Therapy Can Improve Your Relationship).

After being hurt and disappointed so many times, Carol wasn't convinced that Mike could change.  She talked about whether or not to attend couples therapy in her own individual therapy.  

One the one hand, she didn't want to set herself up for another disappointment.  One the other hand, she sensed that Mike was brought down so low by their separation that he just might be motivated to take responsibility and work on changing his behavior (see my article: Developing Internal Motivation to Change).

A few weeks later, after much consideration, Carol agreed to attend EFT couples therapy with Mike as they both continued to attend their own individual therapy (see my article: What Happens During the Initial Stage of EFT Couples Therapy?).

Several months into couples therapy, Carol felt they had made enough progress to move back in together for a trial period of six months.

There were times during this period when Mike slipped into parts of his old behavior, like blaming Carol for his mistakes instead of taking responsibility, but he quickly realized the error in his thinking and took responsibility. He also stopped cheating.

As part of their agreement to move back in together, Carol had full access to Mike's email, texts, social media and computer files.  She found no evidence of infidelity and, although she was leery at first, she was beginning to trust Mike again.

Their progress in their individual and couples therapy was gradual, but they both believed their relationship was now better than it had ever been (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

A year after they completed couples therapy, they received a follow up call from their couples therapist, which was agreed upon during their couples therapy, and they were still doing well.

Conclusion

Sexual narcissism exists on a continuum.  

Some people have more of a problem than others, and many people with this problem are unwilling to get help.

A person who is in a relationship with a sexual narcissist often, unknowingly, colludes with their partner's behavior because of their own psychological history.  As illustrated in the vignette above, Carol was primed for this relationship due the family dynamics in her childhood home with a father who was sexually narcissistic and a mother who passively endured his behavior.

For some sexual narcissists, the motivation to change their behavior comes when they have endured the loss of a relationship.  Then, they're willing to do the necessary work to change.  Even then, they have to be vigilant so they don't slip back into old behavior patterns.

Other sexual narcissists say they'll change (and maybe even believe it at the time when they say it), but once they have what they want again, they're no longer motivated to work on themselves.  

Anyone with a partner who is a sexual narcissist has to let go of whatever denial they're holding onto about their partner and their relationship, see their part in the dynamic, and decide for themselves if they're willing to try couples therapy to work out their problems.

Although the vignette above is about a man who is a sexual narcissist, women can also be sexually narcissistic.  

Also, be aware that the dynamics of sexual narcissism can play out differently in different relationships.  The example given above is just one manifestation of this problem.

Getting Help in Therapy

Whether you're the person who is in a relationship with a sexual narcissist or you see these traits in yourself, you can benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Individual and couples work for sexual narcissism is neither quick nor easy, so you both need to be motivated to do the work.

Doing nothing won't change anything, so if you're struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

 

What is Sexual Narcissism? Part 1

People with sexual narcissistic traits are self centered and usually have an inflated view of their sexual abilities.  They're primarily focused on what they want and, in the process, they can be manipulative, aggressive and coercive to get what they want (see my article: Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of "Players").

What is Sexual Narcissism?

Their focus is primarily on having sex and they often have little ability or interest in developing emotional intimacy with their sexual partners.

They believe they have a right to sex. They're also usually not interested in what their partners want sexually.

If they're in a relationship, they're often unfaithful and lack empathy for their partners (see my article: The Connection Between Infidelity and a Need to Feel Desirable).

Like most other psychological problems, sexual narcissism is on a continuum with some people exhibiting more traits than others.

What is the Difference Between Sexual Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Sexual narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are related, but they are two separate concepts.  

As a personality disorder, NPD is observable in all areas of a person's life--whether it's their romantic relationships, familial relationships or with work colleagues.

Sexual narcissism shows up specifically in sexual relationships.  Although it's possible for someone with NPD to also engage in sexual narcissism, a sexual narcissist doesn't necessarily have a NPD.

Another difference is that while a sexually narcissistic person is often aggressive, someone with NPD doesn't necessarily engage in aggressive behavior or, at least, it's not part of the criteria for diagnosing NPD.

What Are the Telltale Signs of a Sexual Narcissist?

• Charming During the Initial Phase of a Relationship: Sexual narcissists like the thrill of the chase, so during the initial stage of a relationship they're often charming until they get what they want. Once the chase is over and they have what they want, they no longer feel the need to be charming and engaging.  At that point, they usually take their partner for granted.

• Grandiose Behavior With Underlying Low Self Esteem: Although their behavior is grandiose with regard to their perception of their sexual prowess, they often have an underlying sense of low self esteem.  The grandiosity is a cover up for a poor sense of self.  They also use sex and their many sexual conquests to boost their poor sense of self.

• A Focus on the Physical Over the Emotional: Their primary focus is on having sex--not establishing an emotional connection.  Having sex isn't about emotional intimacy for them--it's about sexual performance, dominance and boosting their ego.  They often have an inflated sense of their sexual performance--regardless of how their partner feels about it (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

• A Lack of Empathy For Their Partner: Although they might try to charm and impress their partner during the initial phase of a relationship, once the thrill of the chase is over, from their point of view, their partner exists to please them.  They often don't see their partner as having their own needs and wants. They often pressure their partner to perform sexual acts their partner might not be interested in.  They can demand sex from their partner regardless if their partner is tired, sick or in pain.

• Negative Reactions If They Don't Get What They Want: They don't like it when their partners don't give them what they want.  They might get angry, critical, sarcastic or passive aggressive (e.g., giving their partner the cold shoulder or the silent treatment). They might try to guilt trip their partner into doing what they want. Taking on the role of the victim is typical of the sexual narcissist--even while they're the one who is victimizing their partner.

• Put Down Their Partner: In order to feel superior or manipulate their partner into doing what they want, a sexual narcissist will often belittle their partner by calling their partner names or putting them down in other ways (see my article: What is Belittling Behavior?).

• Treat Their Partner Poorly After Sex: After sex, they usually don't engage in cuddling or being affectionate with their partners. Usually this is because they lack the ability, but also because they don't feel the need after sex because they've gotten what they were interested in.  It doesn't matter what their partner might need.

• Infidelity: The sexual narcissist is often unfaithful.  Once the thrill of the chase is over, they want to find the next person to pursue sexually because this is what they most enjoy.  They're often not concerned about whether their behavior will hurt their partner.

In my next article, I'll provide a clinical vignette to illustrate what sexual narcissism looks like in a relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're with someone who is a sexual narcissist or if you recognize these traits in yourself, you can benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Rather than trying to resolve this problem on your own, seek help.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Relationships: Understanding a Partner Who Pursues Emotionally

In my prior articles, I discussed the emotional pursuer-withdrawer dynamic in relationships by focusing on the person who tends to withdraw emotionally.  The focus of this article will be on the person who tends to pursue emotionally (see my articles: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally - Part 1 and Part 2).

Understanding a Partner Who Pursues Emotionally in a Relationship

Understanding the Emotional Pursuer in a Relationship

The person who tends to pursue their partner is usually the one who wants to talk about the relationship more, process problems in the relationship, have a stronger connection and spend more time together, among other things. 

When discussing either the withdrawer or the pursuer, it's important to discuss the dynamics of the other partner because each partner is reacting to the other one.

As I discussed in the previous articles, while emotional withdrawers (also called distancers) often have an avoidant attachment style, emotional pursuers often have an anxious attachment style.  This usually leads to an ongoing pursuer-withdrawer cycle where the more the pursuer pursues, the more the withdrawer withdraws, and the more the withdrawer retreats, the more the pursuer pursues (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style?).

The withdrawer withdraws because they're emotionally overwhelmed.  They might withdraw--either emotionally, physically or both.  Even if they remain in the same room with the pursuer, they might numb out so they're no longer listening to their partner.

At that point, many withdrawers, who are overwhelmed, just need time to regroup before they can have a dialogue with their partner.  Some people are sufficiently self aware to know what's going on with them, so they can tell their partner they need space.  Others aren't sure what they're feeling, so they don't say anything before they withdraw, which leaves their partner anxious and unhappy (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

To the pursuer, who is anxious to make things right in the relationship, the emotional distancing of the withdrawer feels like a rejection.  For many pursuers this feels intolerable, so they'll double down on their pursuing by being even more insistent.  This often means they demand the withdrawer to speak or, if the withdrawer has left the room, they follow the withdrawer and continue to insist on talking.

So, the couple gets stuck in this negative cycle that doesn't work, but each of them continues to engage in the same pattern of behavior because they don't know what else to do (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship That Keeps You Both Stuck).

You might wonder: Why does the pursuer continue to insist on talking when it only makes the withdrawer retreat even more?  

The answer isn't the same for everyone, but most of the time the problem is that the pursuer is usually the one who wants to get to the bottom of their problems.  Many withdrawers would rather not address the problems at all and, on some level, pursuers know this.

In fairness to pursuers, if they didn't insist, problems might not get resolved.  In addition, they often don't see that their partner is distancing due to emotional overwhelm--not because they're rejecting the pursuer or they don't care.

In fairness to the withdrawers, if they didn't distance themselves sometimes, arguments would get too heated and nothing of value would be accomplished.  Sometimes things actually get worse when both people are overwhelmed and they don't take a break.

So, neither pursuing nor distancing is a bad thing in and of itself.  It's a matter of how each person's dynamics are affecting the other person.  Both people might have good intentions, but they need to learn new skills for interacting with one another.

It's not unusual for the pursuer to see him or herself as a martyr in the relationship.  They see themselves as the one who is more committed to the relationship and, for all their sacrifices, they feel they get little or no appreciation from their partner.  They might also express feeling humiliated or ashamed of how they're being treated by their partner.

What pursuers often don't see is that this view of martyrdom often comes from a longstanding unconscious belief that they don't deserve to be treated well.  As a result, they unconsciously choose a partner who is emotionally avoidant (in other words, a withdrawer), which reinforces the pursuer's underlying belief that they're not worthy.  This unconscious belief often goes back to early childhood dynamics in the family of origin.

There is also a secondary gain to being perceived by friends and family members as the one who is working hard to make the relationship work and who, in return, gets no appreciation from their partner.  From the pursuer's point of view, friends and family members appreciate them (or, more often, pity them), so why can't their partner?

The other secondary gain is that, by virtue of the fact that pursuers are the ones who are the initiators in the emotional realm of the relationship, they also get to control the relationship on an emotional level.  When they want to be close, they pursue, and when they want space, they don't pursue.  But pursuers are often unaware of this.

From the withdrawer's perspective, the pursuer, whom they see as "needy," is "nagging" them.  Withdrawers tend to see the pursuer's wish for closeness as a weakness.  For withdrawers, the secondary gain is feeling superior to the pursuer because they don't see themselves as so needy.  But they often feel disconnected and lonely when they withdraw.

Unconsciously, withdrawers don't realize that their choice of a pursuer for a partner is often the result of their own problems communicating what they need from a partner.  So, they choose someone who will be the one who seeks greater emotional intimacy while they remain safely retreated.  This is usually the result of the withdrawer's low self esteem.

How Can a Couple Break Out of the Negative Cycle?

For Both Partners:

• Each partner needs to recognize they're stuck in a negative cycle and focus on changing the cycle rather than blaming or trying to change their partner.

• They both need to recognize that they're choosing to be with their partner--they're not being forced to stay in this relationship.  

• They need to recognize that they're probably at the same level with regard to maturity, emotional intelligence and intimacy, so there's no need to feel either superior or inferior to their partner.  

For the Pursuer:

• They need to own their part of the dynamic and stop blaming their partner for the problems in the relationship.

• They need to learn to stop pursuing their partner.  This often brings up fears that if they stop pursuing, the relationship will be over, but chasing after the partner doesn't work.  It actually makes matters worse. So, pursuers need to face the risk and give their partners a chance to come to them.

• Since pursuers are often too self sacrificing, they need to start focusing on themselves more.  Rather than trying to get all their emotional needs met in the relationship, they also need to find other ways to feel fulfilled so they don't put undue pressure on their partner.

• They need to recognize that, although they can tell their partners what they're emotional needs are, they can't change their partner or make them act a certain way.

• They also need to take responsibility for their own happiness.  Ultimately, if their partner can't give them what they want, they need to decide whether this is the right relationship for them.

For the Withdrawer:

• They need to take responsibility for their part of the dynamic in the relationship. Most withdrawers know, on some level, that when they withdraw, their partner will pursue, so they need to ask themselves what they get out of this--whether it's feeling superior to their partner or feeling their partner really needs them, and so on.

• The challenge for withdrawers is to eventually remain present without withdrawing emotionally or physically. Building the emotional capacity to do this is a process that will involve the cooperation and empathy of both partners.  

• Rather than criticizing their partner for "nagging," they need to develop a more empathetic stance to see their partner's concerns from the partner's perspective.

• They need to recognize that their partner is often the one who pushes for positive changes in the relationship.  They might not like how their partner actually goes about doing this, but a recognition of their partner's intention is important.

• They need to develop the capacity to put words to their feelings before they numb out or withdraw.

• Similar to pursuers, they need to see that they're choosing to remain in the relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

Changing a negative cycle is very hard for a couple to do on their own.

A licensed psychotherapist who uses Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples can help a couple to change the negative cycle so they can have a happier relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy, EFT, For Couples).

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an EFT couples therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many couples to overcome their negative cycle so they could have a more fulfilling relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me

Relationships: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally - Part 2

In Part 1 of this topic, I discussed the typical characteristics of emotional withdrawers, how they usually develop these characteristics, and how these dynamics affect their partners who are emotional pursuers.  In Part 2 of this topic, I'm providing a clinical vignette to give more details illustrating how these dynamics play out in a relationship and how Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples can help.

Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally

As a brief recap of Part 1: Whether they're aware of it or not, emotional withdrawers' objective when they withdraw is seeking emotional safety because they're overwhelmed by the conflict.  They often need time to regroup before they can engage with their partner, but they might not have the words to say this while they're in an overwhelmed state.

Their partners, who are emotional pursuers, often misunderstand the withdrawer because, from the outside, withdrawers appear as if they don't care or they're rejecting their partner. This, in turn, creates anxiety for the emotional pursuer, who wants to resolve their problem, so they pursue the withdrawer while the withdrawer is overwhelmed, which makes the withdrawer withdraw even more.

As I mentioned in Part 1, a major problem in a pursuer-withdrawer dynamic is that each person's behavior exacerbates the other's and it creates an ongoing negative cycle that keeps the couple stuck.

A Clinical Vignette: The Negative Cycle of an Emotional Pursuer and a Withdrawer and How Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples Can Help

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed:

Mary and Joe

By the time Mary and Joe came to couples therapy, they were already discussing the possibility of divorce.  They were typical of many couples who wait until their problems are dire before they seek help.  They were each aware that a divorce would be very upsetting to their 12 year old son, so they decided to make one last ditch effort to save their 15 year marriage before they contacted divorce attorneys.

During their first session with their EFT therapist, Joe explained that Mary had suggested couples therapy many times over the years and he had rejected that idea, which he now regretted.  He also admitted that he had problems expressing vulnerable emotions and the thought of talking to a couples therapist made him uncomfortable, to say the least (see my article: Fear of Emotional Vulnerability).

What changed his mind, he explained, was when Mary told him that she couldn't tolerate spending another 15 years with a man who withdrew emotionally whenever there was a problem between them.  He realized he needed to put aside his discomfort to give couples therapy a try because he didn't really want a divorce.  He also didn't want his son to be hurt by a divorce.  Then, he threw up his hands and said to the therapist, "So, here I am..."

When it was Mary's turn to talk, she hesitated before she told the therapist, "I'm here, but I feel burnt out from trying all these years to get Joe to express his feelings."  Then, she recounted all the ways she tried over the years to get Joe to tell her what was going on with him--all to no avail.  

Neither Mary nor Joe had ever been in individual or couples therapy before.

As their couples therapist listened to each of them, she realized that Joe is the emotional withdrawer and Mary is a burnt out emotional pursuer.  Their negative cycle was entrenched and neither of them seemed hopeful of a good outcome, which would make the couples therapy challenging. But, as a resourceful Emotionally Focused therapist for couples, she had plenty of tools in her toolbox and she saw it as hopeful sign that they came to couples therapy at all.

Early on in their couples therapy sessions, the therapist asked for Mary's and Joe's family histories, which is an important part of the assessment process in EFT.  

Mary described a childhood in a middle class family in California where both parents were professors.  She was the older of two daughters growing up in the suburbs.  Her parents were open, affectionate and emotionally supportive with Mary and her sister.  

She knew she could always go to either of her parents if she had a problem and she often did. They also had strong roots in their community and their local church. Although they attended their church, Mary said, they weren't especially religious--they just liked the communal atmosphere at the church.  She identified herself as agnostic.

There was a period of time when her parents went through a rough patch when Mary's father lost his position at a major university and there was financial uncertainty.  She was aware that there was tension between her parents due to financial stressors, but things calmed down when her father became tenured at another university.  Mary explained that she continued to have good relationships with her parents and sister. She denied any major trauma in her family history or in her personal history.

When it was Joe's turn to talk about his family history, he hesitated, and the therapist tried to reassure him that she knew it was often difficult to talk about one's family in therapy.  In response, Joe gave a terse description of his family while he was looking down at the floor, "There were five of us. We weren't rich, but my parents did the best they could.  I can't blame them for my problems."

As the couples therapist urged Joe to go into more details, he paused and then he described a working class family in New York City that struggled financially most of the time.  He said his father was the sole breadwinner and, even though his father was a hard worker, he was frequently laid off from his jobs as a construction laborer. These layoffs created tension between his parents.  

According to Joe, neither of his parents were physically or emotionally affectionate with him or his siblings, and he never saw them express affection towards each other, "They didn't have time to get mushy with us or with each other.  My father focused on work and my mother focused on raising the kids and keeping a good home."  His parents didn't have friends or close family nearby, and they weren't involved in their community.

But he knew his parents loved him from their things they did.  His mother enjoyed cooking for the family and took pride in setting a nice table.  His father taught him how to repair cars when Joe was a teenager, so Joe could get a part time job while in high school at a car repair shop to buy his own clothes, books and an attend an occasional sports event if there was money left over.  

Joe explained to the therapist, somewhat defensively, "I knew my parents were overwhelmed just trying to make ends meet so, as a child, I didn't want to burden them with my problems, so I mostly kept my feelings to myself.  But I think I had good parents and a good childhood.  We didn't talk about problems--we just got on with it and did what we had to do."

With regard to family trauma, Joe's mother had a miscarriage when Joe was 10 years old. Since his parents were stoic, they never talked about it with Joe or his siblings, but he knew his parents were sad.  He also had no one to talk about it, "I had to grow up fast."

Over time, their couples therapist provided psychoeducation about Emotionally Focused therapy and couples' dynamics, including the pursuer-withdrawer patterns and the negative cycle, attachment styles and how different styles affected relationships, and the impact of childhood family history on adult relationships (see my articles: What is Your Attachment Style? and How Early Attachment Bonds Affect Adult Relationships).

Initially, Joe didn't respond well to the psychoeducation that the therapist provided, especially as it related to his family.  He was annoyed and defensive, but when the therapist asked him if he was raising his son the same way that he was raised, he paused and looked sad, "No, I'm a lot more open with my son than my parents were with me.  We talk when something is bothering him, so I guess I see the difference. I just don't feel right criticizing my parents.  Compared to their parents, they did a lot better" (see my article: Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style). 

The therapist explained that the psychoeducation about the impact of his family history wasn't meant to criticize his parents.  Based on what Joe had told her about their childhood, she said, she realized his parents had it tough too when they were children and this dynamic often persists from one generation to the next, "That's why it's great, Joe, that you're able to be open with your son--even though you didn't experience that in your family" (see my article: Intergenerational Trauma).

As Joe and Mary continued to attend couples therapy, Joe opened up more. Mary also became a lot more empathetic towards Joe when she realized how his family background impacted him as an adult.  They both began making more reparative gestures towards each other by looking at each other affectionately and reaching out to hold hands, which the therapist knew was a good sign.

Their therapist explained to Mary and Joe that there were "no bad guys" in their relationship.  It wasn't about finding someone to blame for their problems. Instead, she told them, they were stuck in a negative cycle and she encouraged them to work together in therapy to change their cycle as opposed to blaming each other.

Over time, Joe and Mary looked forward to their couples therapy sessions. They practiced the exercises the therapist gave them to do at home and came back to talk about what happened during their next session.  

Joe came into session one day full of pride to talk about the first argument they had since they began couples therapy where they used the tools they learned in their sessions. The argument was about whether or not to repair their existing washing machine or buy a new one, "When Mary told me she wanted a new washing machine, I became so angry that I wanted to storm out of the room and spend the rest of the day in the garage.  But then something happened--I remembered that I didn't have to leave.  I could take a moment to calm myself and continue talking to her-- and I did."

Mary smiled at Joe, "At first, I thought for sure you were going to storm out the way you usually do. Then I usually run out after you to try to force you to keep talking to me, which makes matters worse.  But then I thought about our negative cycle and I made up my mind that if you stormed out, rather than running after you, I would give you the space you needed to calm yourself.  But you didn't walk out.  You stayed and we were able to talk it out, which made me so happy."

Gradually, Joe and Mary changed their dynamic.  There were times when they slipped back into their usual negative cycle, but those times were fewer as time went on.  Even when they did slip back into their negative cycle, one or both of them made a reparative gesture so they didn't remain stuck in it for long.

By the time they completed couples therapy, Joe and Mary were getting along much better.  They still had arguments, as all couples do, but most of the time they weren't entrenched in a pursuer-withdrawer negative dynamic (see my article: EFT For Couples: New Bonds of Love Can Change a Negative Cycle in a Relationship).

Conclusion

Couples often get stuck in a negative cycle and they don't know how to get out of it.  Many factors contribute to the negative cycle, including each person's attachment style, which is developed early on in childhood based on family of origin dynamics.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps couples to identify their dynamics and provides tools for change (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

Future Articles

The last two articles focused specifically on emotional withdrawers, but I don't want to leave the impression that withdrawers are the sole problem in relationships.  In future articles I'll focus on emotional pursuers and how they interact with withdrawers.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you can both learn how to work towards changing that cycle if you're motivated to work in couples therapy.

Getting help sooner rather than later is one of the key factors to having a successful outcome in couples therapy, so don't wait.  

Seek help from a licensed mental health professional trained in EFT for couples.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many couples to have a more fulfilling relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.