Relationships: To Rekindle Passion Fire Needs Air

In Esther Perel's book, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic, she focuses on a common problem that many couples, who live together or are married, experience--too much closeness reduces eroticism and has a negative impact on their sex life together (see my article: What's the Difference Between Emotional Intimacy and Sexual Intimacy?)

Relationships: To Rekindle Passion Fire Needs Air

This isn't true for all couples, but there are many couples where it's difficult for the individuals to relate to each other sexually now that they are "family."  

This dynamic is especially problematic when the couple becomes emotionally "fused" or "enmeshed."  Whereas before they lived together, they could be together as autonomous individuals, when fusion takes place, the sexual polarity is often lost and it's difficult to be sexual.

Relationships: Rekindling Passion: Fire Needs Air

A clinical vignette based on a composite of many different clinical cases will illustrate how this dynamic develops and what a couple can do to overcome this problem:

John and Ann

John and Ann were both in their mid-30s.  They had no children.  When they first met, they had a very passionate sex life.  

John told their couples therapist he remembered the first year of their relationship before they moved in together, "We couldn't wait to see each other, and when we got together, we couldn't keep our hands off each other" (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?

Ann added, "All week long, I felt this build up of excitement to see John.  Then, when we finally got together on the weekends, the sexual sparks would fly.  But now that we've been living together for two years, even though we're closer emotionally, our sex life has dwindled down to once or twice a month.  We're still young and I'm worried about what this means for our relationship.  Neither of us wants to be a sexless couple."

As their couples therapist listened to the changes that occurred in the relationship after Ann and John got together, she realized they had merged together in a way where they were no longer autonomous individuals.  

It was almost as if they had fused into one person:  Ann stopped seeing her friends, and she dropped out of the chorus she used to love to sing in.  John also stopped seeing his friends and he gave up hobbies he used to enjoy.  So, they only spent time with each other.  As a result, except for family, they were dependent on each other for all of their needs.

When the couples therapist pointed this out to them, they both said this happened so gradually they barely noticed it.  

In addition, when their therapist asked them when they felt sexually turned on by each other, Ann said she felt most desirous of John when she attended a conference where he was one of the keynote speakers, "When I saw him up there, I thought to myself, 'He's so handsome and in command of his area of expertise.  But as soon as we were together again at home, the sexual desire evaporated."

John responded, "When we went to my parents' house for the holidays and I sat across from Ann while she told a funny story, I felt so sexually drawn to her in that moment.  But when we got home and she changed into sweat pants and we cuddled on the couch, the sexual excitement I felt for her earlier in the day was gone."

Ann and John noticed the patterns and how their perspectives changed when they could see each other with some distance as compared to when they spent all their time together.  

Their therapist repeated a quote from Esther Perel's "Mating in Captivity," which was "Fire needs air."  In other words, when they were fused together as almost one person, there was no distance (metaphorically speaking: no air) so they experienced no eroticism.

She encouraged Ann and John to reconnect with each of their friends and to reestablish their own individual hobbies and interests so they could live together but also function as individuals.  

At first, they were reluctant to make this change, but as they did and they learned to be two individuals in a relationship, their sexual desire for each other was rekindled and they began to enjoy sex again.

Conclusion

An increase in emotional intimacy doesn't necessarily increase sexual intimacy in many couples.  In fact, for some couples, it reduces sexual desire.  Although this isn't true for all couples, it's a problem for others.  

For these couples, a loss of individual autonomy often leads to emotional fusion and, as a result, sexual desire wanes. 

Regaining a sense of autonomy, as in the example of Ann and John above, often provides enough space (air) to rekindle the fire.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling to resolve your problems on your own, you're not alone.  

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are hindering your progress.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

10 Signs You're Being Love Bombed By a Narcissist

At the start of a relationship it's not unusual to go through that heady in love phase where you and your partner enjoy everything about each other and relish the time you spend together.  You're in the early idealized phase of the relationship.  Eventually, if all goes well, you come out of that idealistic phase. You come back down to Earth and you start to see your partner and the relationship in a more realistic way (see my article: The 5 Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment and Relationships: The Ideal vs the Real).

10 Signs You're Being Love Bombed By a Narcissist

If you remain with your partner and the relationship continues to go well, the two of you eventually develop a more emotionally intimate relationship.  You're no longer like two giddy teenagers in love, but what you have together is more substantial and emotionally satisfying.  

As you get more comfortable with each other, you learn to be more emotionally vulnerable with each other (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).  

What is Love Bombing?

Love bombing is nothing like the reality-based experience I described above.  It might feel good at first, but most people feel uncomfortable with it pretty quickly because they realize that it has very little to do with them. Eventually, they're waiting for the other shoe to drop.  But, first, let's define it.

Love bombing, as the phrase implies, occurs when someone overwhelms you with attention and praise that's over the top.  Your partner puts you on a pedestal and the only place for you to go is down.  It's a phase in the relationship, as I'll describe below.

Most people who are being love bombed eventually recognize that all of the attention and praise is too good to be true because no one can live up to it.  

An important thing for you to know is that love bombing is a form of manipulation so your partner can get what they want from you (more about this below).

10 Signs You're Being Love Bombed

Here are typical examples of love bombing:

• You're Their "Soulmate:" Soon after meeting you, your partner tells you that they're convinced you're the "soulmate" they've been waiting for all their life.  They're never been with anyone who is as "wonderful" as you.  As far as they're concerned, you must have been Heaven sent.

• They Give You Over the Top Compliments:  Your partner can't give you enough compliments: "You're the best ______ (fill in the blank: lover, partner, and so on), "No one in the world compares with you," "You're the most beautiful woman (or attractive man) in the world," "I don't want to spend my time with anyone but you from now on," "You're my forever love," etc.

• They Want to Spend a Lot of Time With You: They might tell you that they've cancelled other plans or they don't want to see anyone, but you (and they expect you to do the same): "We don't need anyone else because we have each other."

• They Bombard You With Phone Calls and Texts: They want to be in constant contact with you throughout the day and night.  They might contact you numerous times per day--in the morning, mid-morning, early afternoon, evening and night time.  Then they text or call you at night.  And they expect you to respond immediately.

• They Might Lavish Gifts on You:  Nothing is too good for you. They might make a show of sending two dozen roses to your job so everyone knows how they feel about you.  They might buy expensive theater tickets or plane tickets early on in the relationship.  They're constantly giving you little things, like Teddy bears or little trinkets to show you they think about you all the time.

• They Pressure You For a Commitment Very Early in the Relationship:  They want you to know that you "belong" to them.  They'll talk about marriage or living together when you hardly know them.  

• They Get Upset If You Set Boundaries With Them: If you try to tell them that you want to slow things down, they get upset.  They often refuse to slow down because they're intent on manipulating you.  

• They're Need For Time and Attention is Insatiable: They're very clingy--like a bottomless pit that can never be filled up.  No matter how much time you spend with them, it's never enough.  This sometimes comes in the form of wanting sex multiple times a day when you get together.  They'll convince you that they're "very sexual" and they "need sex," but, in reality, it's that they're very insecure and needy.  They might try to convince you to cancel plans you have with family or friends. They might tell you that they don't understand why you need to have other interests besides them.  And if you don't give them the time or attention they demand, they can get very angry.  

• You Feel Overwhelmed By Their Attention and Their Demands: You feel very pressured and overwhelmed by their demands and their refusal to allow you to set limits or boundaries.

• You Feel Uneasy and Unbalanced: After a while, all this attention and the demands for attention are no longer appealing (if they ever were appealing to you).  They make you feel uneasy and unbalanced because you recognize that it's too much and it's not real.  

From Idealization to Devaluation

No one who is being love bombed can live up to their partner's expectations because no matter how much you give them, it's never enough (see my article: How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship?).

When you don't live up to their every expectation, it's as if the love bomber flips a switch and not only are you not the best lover and most wonderful person anymore, you're now the worst person they've ever known.  

They will suddenly switch from idealizing you to devaluing you in a nanosecond.  They often heap on a lot of criticism so fast that it can leave your head spinning and wondering how you went from being this ideal person in their eyes to a persona non grata.

Nothing you say in your defense makes any difference because you didn't give them what they wanted--whether it was time, attention, responding to their calls and texts, and so on.  And if you try to ask them how you  went from being so wonderful to being nothing in their eyes, they might go into a narcissistic rage.  

It's as if they rewrite your relationship history.  They might even deny ever feeling that you were so wonderful.  Or, they might say they thought you were wonderful, but now they realize you're horrible.

You're only as good in their eyes as the attention, praise and love you shower on them.  That's the manipulation:  If you want to remain in their good graces, you have to meet their demands.  That's why they have lavished you with praise, gifts, phone calls, texts, etc.  It's to get you to fulfill their narcissistic needs.

People who are narcissistic aren't capable of experiencing a deep sense of love.  That's why they have to make such a show of what they're giving you.  

In addition, they lack empathy, which is why they can't understand (and will become angry) if you try to set limits with them.  It's also why they can hurt you over and over again and not feel remorse.

This superficial showiness of empty words, gifts, compliments, etc., is all they have to give and they're hoping to manipulate you with all these over the top gestures to give them what they want--unending attention and love.

Behind all the showiness and grand gestures the narcissist experiences a lot of shame (see my article: Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame).

A Relationship With a Narcissist is Unstable

Relationships with narcissists are unstable.  You might go through many rounds of idealization, devaluation, breakups and makeups if you go along for the ride.

Once they devalue you, tell you horrible things and break up with you, if you're steeped in grief, they often come back to manipulate you again because they think they have you right where they want you--down and not feeling good about yourself.  So, these relationships are often very dramatic and make you feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster.  

Only you can decide when you've had enough of the roller coaster and emotional abuse.  But once you've made it clear that you're over them, they can become vindictive--maligning you to mutual friends or even contacting your workplace to try to get you in trouble. 

Then, they usually move on rather quickly to the next relationship and that person becomes their "soulmate" just as easily as you did.  

This Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality switch  can leave you wondering if you're dealing with the same person (see my article: A Relationship With a Narcissist: Where Did the Love Go?).  That's due to the fact that the narcissist has an unintegrated personality so that you experience different sides of them at different times.

People who have been in a relationship with a narcissist soon realize how destructive the relationship was and that their partner wasn't capable of real love.

Getting Help in Therapy

Going through cycles of idealization, devaluation and frequent breakups can leave you feeling emotionally broken.

If you have experienced the instability of being in a relationship with a narcissist, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist who has experience with this dynamic and who can help you to overcome the trauma.

Working through this traumatic experience in therapy is part of your healing process so that you can move on with your life and feel good about yourself again.

About Me

I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

 

Are You Feeling a Sexual Attraction For a Friend?

In my last article, 5 Reasons to Be Friends First Before Dating Someone, I discussed the advantages of being friends before getting romantically involved.  And, while there are many advantages to forming a friendship first, there can also be complications involved.

Are You Feeling a Sexual Attraction For a Friend?

Sexual Attraction Between Friends

It's not unusual that two friends, who aren't romantically involved, can feel a sexual attraction for each other.  As I mentioned in my previous article, friendships often involve an attraction.

Sexual tension between friends is normal and natural.  Spending time together and sharing similar interests not only strengthens the bonds of friendship--it can also increase the sexual tension between two people.  

In and of itself, sexual tension between friends is neither good nor bad.  What makes it enjoyable or uncomfortable depends on how each of you feels and what you want from one another.

Sometimes other people notice the sexual chemistry between you and your friend before you do.  You might be in denial about it and not even notice it until other people comment on what they've observed.  

There can be many signs they pick up on that you might not notice. They might comment that you seem different or have a certain look with your friend as compared to other friends.  They might notice that you light up when your friend walks into the room or that you and your friend sit close together or touch each other more than usual.  

Sexual Attraction That's Mutual Between You and Your Friend

If you're aware that your friend also feels a sexual attraction for you and might be open to getting romantically involved, you're more likely to feel comfortable with the sexual tension between you.  But if you're not sure and you're worried about jeopardizing your friendship, this can become a source of stress for you.

There can also be extenuating circumstances that make getting romantically involved a problem.  For instance, if you or your friend are in a committed relationship with someone else, you would be wise to pause before getting involved and creating emotional pain for everyone involved.  

Likewise, if you're in a situation where transitioning from friends to a romantic relationship could jeopardize your job or professional relationship, you probably won't want to take the risk.  

That being said, work situations often create the environment for spending a lot of time together and getting close. There are also many people who meet in a work situation and who go on to have a successful relationship without jeopardizing their job.  It depends on your work environment (some companies have specific rules about not getting involved with colleagues and you want to avoid the risk of sexual harassment charges). There is also the issue of whether the two of you can conduct yourself in a professional manner while at work.

Deciding Whether or Not to Reveal Your Sexual Attraction to Your Friend

As previously mentioned, on the one hand, you might enjoy your attraction to your friend without ever doing anything about it.  

On the other hand, your sexual attraction might make you feel uncomfortable and create a painful yearning for something more.  This can be especially painful and triggering if you grew up in an environment where your emotional needs weren't met (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

Only you can decide the risks or rewards of whether to broach the topic with your friend.  If neither of you ever brings it up, you could both be depriving yourself of a great romantic relationship that is based on a solid foundation of friendship.  But the risk is that once you reveal your attraction, there can be some awkwardness between the two of you if your friend doesn't feel the same way.

Talking about the sexual attraction can clear the air and help determine if there is a mutual interest and the possibility for getting romantically involved.  

Chances are that your friend has detected the sexual tension too and might not know how to address it.  A lot of confusion and stress can be avoided when there is open and honest communication between you and your friend about what each of you wants--even if it's awkward at first.

What If Your Friend Doesn't Want to Get Romantically Involved?

The potential rewards of revealing a sexual attraction are many if you and your friend both feel the same way.  But what if your friend doesn't feel the same way or feels the attraction but decides s/he doesn't want to get romantically involved?

Many people think this means the end of the friendship, but this isn't necessarily the case.  You and your friend can still spend time together with the understanding that you will remain friends without getting sexually or romantically involved.

If you're the one who would like to become involved and your feelings aren't reciprocated, you'll need to take extra care of yourself:  

• Tune into your own needs and take time each day doing something you enjoy without this friend.  
• Talk to other trusted friends to get their emotional support.
• Spend time writing in a journal to clarify and release your emotions (see my article: Journal Writing to Relieve Stress and Anxiety).
• Try not to spend a lot of time alone with your friend since this would create greater emotional intimacy and a deeper yearning for something more.
• Honor whatever boundaries you and your friend have agreed upon.
• Develop other friendships.
• Date other people.
• Develop other interests that don't involve your friend.

If you continue to have difficulty with being around your friend, you could benefit from seeking professional help.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you find yourself in a situation with a friend where your feelings are unrequited, you're not alone.  This is a common occurrence between friends.

If experiencing unrequited feelings brings up earlier unresolved feelings, this can be especially painful, and you could benefit from seeking help from an experienced therapist who can help you to work through your feelings.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: 5 Reasons to Be Friends First Before Dating Someone

Researchers have recently discovered that being friends first before dating someone is beneficial in the long run for a successful romantic relationship (see my article: Dating: Taking the Time to Get to Know Each Other).

In a study called "Love at First Sight or Friends First?" Barelds and Barelds-Dijkstra looked at 137 couples who were either married or living together and discovered that being friends first offered couples greater emotional stability and relationship success than "love at first sight" (see my article: Confusing Sexual Attraction For Love).

Being Friends First Before Dating Offers More Emotional Stability in a Relationship

They discovered that, although "love at first sight" developed into a romantic relationship more quickly, these relationships exhibited more dissimilarity in terms of personalty characteristics and compatibility.

5 Reasons to Be Friends First Before Dating Someone

• You have gotten to know someone first instead of wondering about this person based only on sexual attraction so you can assess if the two of you are compatible.
• You are more likely to share similar interests than a "love at first sight" relationship.
• You have gotten to know your friend in different circumstances, both positive and negative, over time rather than falling head over heels and projecting what you want onto the other person.
• You and your friend are more likely to have been more emotionally supportive of one another over time so you get to see if this person will be there for you when times are rough.
• You are more likely to form a more emotionally intimate and committed relationship with someone you have been friends with first.

Take the Time to Get to Know Someone First

The researchers concluded that people who take the time to get to know someone first have more similar personality traits than people who immediately jump into a relationship.  

In the long run, taking the time to get to know a potential romantic partner provides an opportunity to form a stronger emotional foundation than relationships based "love at first sight." 

You can form a friendship that turns into relationship based on being drawn to each other and enjoying each other's company. Over time you become familiar with your friend's life and you also get to see this person's quirks.

In addition, when you get to know someone over time you learn whether you can trust them, which is the bedrock of any successful romantic relationship.

Sometimes people raise the objection that they don't think they can transition from being friends to forming a romantic relationship because they don't feel that love at first sight feeling. But relationships that start as friendships often have an element of sexual attraction to them even in the friendship phase (see my article: The 5 Stages of Love).

Conclusion

Romantic relationships that start as friendships are often more successful in the long run than relationships that form based on sexual attraction only.

A friends first relationship offers an opportunity to assess compatibility, trustworthiness and commitment.

About Me

I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Is a Willingness to Have Sex Enough to Get Started? Part 2

In Part 1 of this topic, I provided an overview of the subject, including two clinical vignettes.  In this article, I'll be focusing on Vignette 2 from Part 1 where one of the spouses has an insecure attachment style which creates problems in the relationship. 

Relationships: Is a Willingness to Have Sex Enough to Get Started

Secure Attachment vs Insecure Attachment Styles

Two people in a relationship won't always feel sexually aroused at the same time.  In most cases, this isn't a problem.  

This is usually the case when the partner who wants sex feels secure and confident in him or herself (secure attachment).  However, when the other partner struggles with insecure attachment, s/he gets emotionally triggered in these situations and feels rejected due to unresolved childhood trauma.  

For an explanation of secure vs. insecure attachment styles, see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship.

When a Willingness to Have Sex Isn't Enough: A Recap of Sara and Bob's Relationship:

Sara and Bob were married for five years, and they had no children.  Sara stayed home, and Bob worked in a very stressful job where he was often worried about his job security.  

During the week when Sara wanted to make love, Bob often fell asleep because he was exhausted from work.  When this happened, Sara felt resentful and sad.  She interpreted his tiredness to mean she wasn't attractive or sexy enough for Bob to want her sexually.  She berated him the next day for not paying enough attention to her.  Even though Bob really felt Sara was attractive and desirable, he couldn't convince Sara that this was how he felt.

By the weekend, when Bob was more relaxed and rested and he wanted to have sex with Sara, she was still resentful from earlier in the week and she refused to have sex with him.  This became their pattern and, over time, it was eroding their relationship.

As a child, Sara grew up in a home where her parents were often fighting.  There were times when her father would disappear for months at a time and no one knew where he was or if he was coming back.  Even when both parents were at home, they were so engrossed in their arguments that they barely paid attention to Sara.  They often blamed her for their problems, even though she was a young child.  As a result, she developed an anxious/insecure attachment style.  

As a married woman, Sara needed constant reassurance from Bob that she was attractive and desirable.  But no matter how many times he told her she was attractive and desirable, she never felt reassured.  What neither of them understood was that Sara was emotionally vulnerable to feeling this way because of her anxious/insecure attachment style.

Since they realized their problems were getting worse over time, they began Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (also known as EFT).  Their couples therapist helped them to hear each other with empathy and compassion.  In addition, she helped them to see their negative dynamic and identify where they were emotionally blocked as a couple.

Furthermore, she helped Sara to see that she was reacting to her present situation with her husband based on her traumatic history with her family of origin (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Past Unresolved Trauma).

Sara worked through her unresolved childhood trauma in individual therapy so that she was no longer emotionally triggered when Bob was too tired to have sex.  Rather than seeing it as a rejection, she was able to see it for what it was:  He loved her, but he was sometimes too tired to have sex when she wanted to have it.  This allowed them to be affectionate so that they could still be loving towards one another and plan to have sex when they were both feeling up to it.

Conclusion

An insecure attachment style (either anxious or avoidant) can cause someone in a relationship to get triggered due to unresolved trauma.

Reacting to the present based on problems stemming from childhood is a common problem in relationships because the person with unresolved trauma is unable to distinguish the present situation from the past when s/he is emotionally triggered.

Getting help in trauma therapy to overcome the unresolved childhood trauma frees up the person with the traumatic history to respond to current issues in a healthy way.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have unresolved problems that you have been unable to overcome on your own, you could benefit from working with an experienced trauma therapist.

Working through your unresolved trauma frees you from your traumatic history so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

For People With Responsive Sexual Desire, a Willingness to Get Started is Often Enough to Get Aroused

There are bound to be times in all relationships when a couple is out of synch in terms of sexual arousal. Sometimes one person wants to have sex and the other person isn't feeling very sexual in the moment,

    See my articles: 

What is Good Sex?

Spontaneous Sexual Arousal vs Context-Dependent Sexual Arousal

Responsive Desire and a Willingness to Get Started

A lot of times the person who isn't sexually aroused in the moment knows that once s/he starts to get sexually intimate, s/he will become aroused and this ends up working out.  But sometimes the person who starts out feeling aroused feels hurt that his/her partner isn't sexually aroused from the start.  This article will explore why this often happens in relationships.

Clinical Vignettes: 

The following clinical vignettes are composites of many different cases which include no identifying information:

Vignette 1: When a Willingness to Have Sex is Enough

Ed and Joan were married for 10 years.  They had two young children.  Ed had a very stressful job where he worked long hours so he often came home tired.  Joan worked part time and took care of the children when they got home from school.  

Generally, they had a good sex life, but sometimes Ed was too tired to have sex when Joan wanted to do it.  But he was willing to kiss and cuddle with her and he would soon get into the mood to have sex--even if it wasn't as passionate as Joan would have liked.  Then, there were other times on the weekend, after Ed had time to relax when he felt more sexually aroused and their lovemaking was more passionate.  

Joan didn't personalize it when Ed wasn't immediately sexually aroused when he was tired.  She knew that he had a stressful job. Also, she was confident enough in herself so she didn't see his initial lack of desire as a reflection on her self worth, her looks or her desirability.

Vignette 2:  When a Willingness to Have Sex isn't Enough

Sara and Bob were married for five years, and they had no children.  Sara stayed home, and Bob worked in a stressful job where he was often worried about his job security.  

When Bob got home from work, he often needed time to himself to relax, but Sara, who had few close friends, waited all day for Bob to come home. As soon as he got in the door, she wanted to cuddle with him--even though he had told her many times that he needed a few minutes to himself.

During the week when Sara wanted to make love, Bob often fell asleep because he was exhausted from work.  When this happened, Sara felt resentful and sad.  She interpreted his tiredness to mean she wasn't attractive or sexy enough for Bob to want her sexually.  She berated him the next day for not paying enough attention to her.  Even though Bob really felt Sara was attractive and desirable, he couldn't convince Sara of his feelings.

By the weekend, when Bob was more relaxed and rested and he wanted to have sex with Sara, she was still resentful from earlier in the week and she refused to have sex with him.  This became their pattern and, over time, it was eroding their relationship.

Secure Attachment vs Insecure Attachment

To understand the difference between Scenario 1 and Scenario 2, it's important to explore attachment styles (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Vignette 1: Joan

When Joan was growing up, her parents were nurturing and loving towards her.  She grew up in a stable and secure home environment where she knew she was loved.  She was closer to her father, who was especially loving.  He often delighted in whatever she did, and she grew up feeling confident in herself.  She developed a secure attachment style due to her loving and secure home.

As a married woman, she knew she was attractive and desirable because she had grown up feeling loved and wanted.  So, on those occasions when Ed was tired and not as sexually aroused as she was, she had enough confidence in herself not to personalize it.  She understood it had nothing to do with her.  She knew she was lovable and that Ed loved her.

Vignette 2: Sara

As a child, Sara grew up in a home where her parents were often fighting.  There were times when her father would disappear for months at a time and no one knew where he was or if he was coming back.  Even when both parents were at home, they were so engrossed in their arguments that they barely paid attention to Sara.  They often blamed her for their problems, even though she was a young child.  As a result, she developed an anxious/insecure attachment style.

As a married woman, Sara needed constant reassurance from Bob that she was attractive and desirable.  But no matter how many times he told her she was attractive and desirable, she never felt reassured.  Whenever Bob was too tired to have sex, she assumed it was because he didn't love her anymore.  What neither of them understood was that Sara was emotionally vulnerable to feeling this way because of her anxious/insecure attachment style.

In my next article, I'll address how Sara and Bob can overcome their problems to save their marriage.

Conclusion

Two people in a relationship won't always feel sexually aroused at the same time.  In most cases, a willingness on the part of the partner who might not start out aroused is enough for the other partner.  This is usually the case when the other partner feels secure and confident in him or herself (secure attachment).  

However, when the other partner struggles with insecure attachment, s/he gets emotionally triggered in these situations due to unresolved childhood trauma.  

More on this topic in my next article: Is a Willingness to Have Sex Enough to Get Started? Part 2.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have unresolved issues that are affecting your relationship, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma expert (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are holding you back so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples to help them overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire - Part 2

I began a discussion about women with healthy high sexual desire in my prior article.  I'm continuing to explore this topic in the current article (also see my articles: What's the Difference Between Sex and Intimacy?, What is Good Sex?, What is Synchrony Sex? and Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

Understanding Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire

Negative Stereotypes About Women as Sexual Beings

I'm choosing to focus on this topic because women who experience high sexual arousal are often maligned in sexist ways as being "sluts" or "whores" when, in fact, experiencing high sexual arousal is normal.  

Contrary to the stereotypes in pornography, most women with high sexual desire are not promiscuous or sexually compulsive.

At the same time, women who don't experience high sexual desire are also maligned as being "abnormal," "frigid" or "cold."  In many ways, this stereotype is even more surprising because these women represent the majority of women, and they are also normal.  They just need more sexual stimulation and they're more sensitive to the context in which they're in as compared to women with high sexual desire. 

So, in general, women as sexual beings, whether they experience high sexual desire or more context-dependent desire, are often criticized.  

Another reason why I'm focusing on this topic is that most research and articles about women's sexuality tend to focus on women's sexual problems (low libido), so my sex positive articles about women with high sexual desire are an attempt to bring attention to a much neglected topic.

Women With High Sexual Desire As Sexual Pursuers in Their Relationships

According to sex educator, Dr. Emily Nagoski, who is an expert on women's sexuality, women with high sexual desire represent about 15% of all women.  

Their sexual arousal tends to be spontaneous.  

In psychological terms, these women are often referred to as "female sexual pursuers" because they're often the ones, whether in heterosexual or lesbian relationships, who want and pursue more sex in their relationship (see my article: How Sexual Pursuers and Sexual Withdrawers Can Work Out Their Differences to Have a Happier Sex Life - Part 1 and Part 2).

The Temperament of Women With High Sexual Desire

In terms of sexual temperament, these women are sensitive to sexually relevant stimuli, which include sight, sound, smell, taste, touch and sexual fantasies. 

In terms of sexual context, a wide range of contexts can be sexually stimulating for them.  

So, in other words, these women get sexually turned on easily. 

Also, novelty is often sexually exciting for them.

What Are Sexual Excitors?

As the term suggests, sexual excitors are experiences that are sexual turn-ons, which vary for different people.

In her book, Come As You Are, Dr. Nagoski includes a brief questionnaire to help women determine their sexual temperament. 

This questionnaire includes the following sexually exciting incidents which are particularly relevant for women with high sexual desire:

• Smelling the scent someone wears as a sexual turn-on
• Seeing someone doing something that shows their talent or intelligence
• Having sex in a different setting or in a different way than the usual one (novelty)
• Seeing someone who is sexually attractive 
• Fantasizing about sex
• Experiencing certain hormonal changes during their menstrual cycle
• Getting sexually turned on knowing that someone else is turned on

Metaphorically speaking, in terms of sexual arousal, they have sensitive accelerators and not-so-sensitive brakes (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes - Part 1 and Part 2).

Women with high sexual desire often de-stress by having sex--either through self pleasure (masturbation) or through partnered sex.  

Compared to most women, who are more context-dependent in terms of sexual arousal, women who experience high sexual arousal can be at risk for sexual compulsivity due to their sensitive accelerators and lower sensitivity brakes (although, as previously mentioned, most of these women are not promiscuous).

So, in order to avoid becoming sexually compulsive, these women need to pay attention to managing their stress in healthy/noncompulsive ways, including nonsexual ways like exercise and meditation in addition to self pleasure and partnered sex.

Conclusion

Women who experience high sexual desire experience sexual arousal in a spontaneous way. They represent about 15% of all women.  

Their way of experiencing sexual arousal is just as normal as more sexually context-dependent women.

Women with high arousal are more sensitive to sexual stimuli as compared to the vast majority of women.

Women who experience healthy high sexual desire are often confident in their sexuality and their sexual activities whether it involves self pleasure or partnered sex.  

They tend to be the ones in relationships who want more sex and, as such, they are the sexual pursuers in their relationships.

Last, but not least, sexist stereotyping of women is inaccurate and destructive to all women.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set  up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire - Part 1

In prior articles, I discussed sexual pursuers and sexual withdrawers in relationships (see my articles about this topic: Part 1 and Part 2).  In this article, which is another sex positive* article in a series about sexuality, I'm focusing on high desire women who approach sex in a healthy way (also known as female sexual pursuers).  

Understanding Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire

Understanding Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire

When high sexual desire is discussed, the narrow stereotype is often about men who have strong sexual desire and women with lower sexual libido.  

To complicate matters, a lot of the research focuses on women who have problems with low sexual desire (e.g., hypoactive sexual desire) or, on the other end of the spectrum, unhealthy, impulsive/compulsive sexual desire (e.g., impulsive and compulsive sexuality is often associated with the emotional insecurities of borderline personality).

Aside from the problems with research, there are also sexist cultural stereotypes that complicate matters, including portraying women with healthy high sexual desire as being "whores" and "sluts."  

Even women with healthy high libido can be denigrated in this sexist way.  This is in sharp contrast to stereotypes of men with high libido who are admired for being "manly" or "viral."

More recent research challenges these sexist stereotypes and reveals that women can have healthy high sexual libido.  

Their high libido doesn't emerge from emotional insecurity, impulsiveness or compulsivity. Instead, these women are confident in themselves and they enjoy sex.  And, contrary to sexist views of women, there are more women with healthy high sexual desire than is commonly thought.

Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire and a Secure Attachment Style

Women who have a healthy high libido usually have a secure attachment style (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

As children, they developed a secure attachment with one or both parents.  They received love and emotional mirroring from at least one parent that allowed them to feel loved and emotionally secure.

Often, as young girls, they experienced at least one parent who delighted in them.  At the age of four or five, these girls' parents delighted in their healthy behavior.  For instance, if the young girl happily twirled around while she was feeling good about herself, her parents encouraged her rather than telling her to "stop showing off."

These girls grew up seeing the gleam in their parents eyes reflected on them so, not only did they feel secure in their attachment to their parents, they also felt loved and lovable.  So, when these girls mature into women, they feel their desirability.  

Rather than being shamed or made to feel guilty for masturbating, their parents reinforced self pleasure as being healthy.  They grew to be women with a solid erotic core.

As I've mentioned in prior articles, these women often experience spontaneous sexual arousal (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal).  

According to Dr. Emily Nagoski in her book,  Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, women who experience spontaneous sexual desire (as opposed to context-dependent sexual desire) represent at least 16% of all women.

I'll be discussing this topic further in future articles.

Also, see my articles:

Who Says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex?

What is the Difference Between Sex and Intimacy?

What is Good Sex?

*Sex positive refers to having or promoting an open, tolerant or progressive attitude towards sex and sexuality.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have unresolved problems that you have been unable to work through on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional.

Rather than struggling on your own, contact a skilled psychotherapist who can help you to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.