Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Interpersonal Issues

In my prior article, Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Cultural Factors, I began a discussion based on a book by Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD and Jennifer A. Vencill PhD that I have been recommending to clients. It's called Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships.

Interpersonal Issues Can Create Sexual Shame and Guilt

One of the topics the authors discuss is sexual shame and guilt and how these personal, interpersonal and cultural factors contribute to shame and guilt.

In the current article, I'm focusing on interpersonal factors and in the next article I'll discuss personal factors.

As a recap from my prior article on cultural factors: The difference between sexual shame and guilt, according to the authors, is:

• Sexual shame is a worry about being rejected for an aspect of who you are as a sexual being. 

• Sexual guilt is a worry about being rejected for your sexual thoughts, feelings or behavior. 

Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Interpersonal Issues

Sexual shame and guilt can come up in a relationship for many reasons.  

Here are some of the most common reasons:

• Growing Up in a Sex-Negative Family: Early experiences of growing up in a sex-negative environment usually carries over into adulthood if these experiences aren't addressed. For instance, if a child is repeatedly shamed and scolded by a parent for masturbating, that child can grow up believing sexual pleasure is wrong and "dirty" which can create sexual shame and guilt. This can also be complicated by religious or other cultural factors that were sex-negative as opposed to sex-positive (see my article: What Does Sex-Positive Mean?).

• Experiencing Childhood Trauma: If an individual was sexually abused as a child, they might get triggered during sex with their partner. Even if the abuse wasn't sexual, emotional or physical abuse often has lasting effects that can impact adult relationships (see my article: Overcoming the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse).

• Feeling Uncomfortable Talking About Sex With a Partner: This is a common problem--even for couples in long term relationships who are having sex but who feel too ashamed to talk it (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Engaging in "Duty Sex": Instead of sex being a way to connect in a mutually enjoyable, playful and intimate way, sex turns into a chore or obligation to avoid conflict and guilt. This problem is related to problems with talking about sex because the partner who is engaging in "duty sex" often doesn't know how to talk about it and the other partner, who might sense their partner is engaging in sex as a chore, also doesn't know how to address it.  Often neither partner feels good about "duty sex" because it's usually not pleasurable for either of them and it often creates more problems than it was meant to to avoid.  It's not unusual for one or both partners to find reasons to avoid having sex altogether so, eventually, they become a no-sex couple (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

• Experiencing a Partner Turning Away Sexually and/or Emotionally: Asking for emotional or sexual connection is a vulnerable act.  When a partner responds in an unsupportive way, this can create shame and guilt in the partner who is looking for support as well as the partner who can't or won't give it. This includes situations where a partner is turning towards the other partner for emotional or sexual connection but not getting it (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Experiencing a Partner Turning Away Sexually or Emotionally

• Lacking Sexual Experience: If one or both partners is sexually inexperienced, they might feel ashamed about this and guilty that their partner might not be enjoying sex with them. This can be due to cultural, religious or the partner's values. There's nothing wrong with waiting for sex, if that's part of a person's values.  It becomes a problem if it creates sexual shame or guilt.

• Experiencing Body Image Problems: There are messages everywhere--magazines, social media, TV--about how men and woman should look.  This is especially true for women. Both men and women can experience problems with body image in terms of weight, height, breast size, penis size and so on. Problems with body image can engender shame  about one's own body (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?). 

• Experiencing Libido Differences: Sexual desire discrepancy between partners is a common problem in relationships. Most couples don't have the same exact likes and dislikes in other areas of their life, so why should they experience sexual desire in the same way? It's only a problem when the couple can't reconcile these differences, which often causes sexual shame and guilt. Libido differences are the #1 reason why couples seek help in sex therapy (see my article: Mismatched Libidos in Relationships: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?)

• Experiencing Different Preference: Vanilla vs. Kinky Sex: If one partner only likes vanilla sex (meaning conventional sex) and the other partner only wants kinky sex, this can create sexual shame and guilt between the partners if it's not addressed. It can also lead to their becoming a no-sex couple. However, these preferences can be negotiated, and it's possible to reach a compromise if both partners can be flexible and find common ground (see my article: What is Kinky Sex?).

Sex Comes in Many Different Flavors: Vanilla and Kinky

• Having Misconceptions About Spontaneous and Responsive Sexual Desire: According to Sex Educator Dr. Emily Nagoski, who wrote Come As You Are, only about 15% of women experience spontaneous sexual desire, so the vast majority of women experience responsive desire. There are also men who experience responsive desire instead of spontaneous desire. However, many people aren't sexually informed about responsive and spontaneous desire due to a lack of sex education and a skewed portrayal of sexual desire in the media. These portrayals almost always show only spontaneous desire. In addition, in long term committed relationships, after the limerence phase of a relationship (also known as the honeymoon phase), many people, even individuals who experienced mostly spontaneous desire before, often experience responsive desire over time. Neither type of desire is better than the other. When partners have differences in the way they experience sexual desire, a willingness on the part of the responsive desire partner to begin having sex often results in enhancing sexual desire for that partner once they get started. This also requires the spontaneous desire partner to be patient and hold the "sexual charge" for both of them until the responsive desire partner gets aroused (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Desire and Responsive Sexual Desire Are Both Normal).

• Experiencing an Orgasm Gap Between Partners: Problems with an orgasm gap tend to occur more often in heterosexual couples as opposed to LGBTQ couples. An orgasm gap occurs when one partner has a tendency to experience an orgasm during partnered sex and the other does not. This doesn't refer to occasional instances when one partner has an orgasm and the other doesn't. Instead, an orgasm gap refers to an ongoing problem. Problems with an orgasm gap usually affect heterosexual women. A common reason for this is that there isn't enough clitoral stimulation for the woman because the couple is relying only on sexual intercourse, which is not the best way for most women to have an orgasm. Another contributing factor to an orgasm gap occurs when a couple approaches sex solely in terms of goal-oriented sexual performance rather than sexual pleasure. In addition, couples who are stuck in a rigid sex script or who are stuck on a linear and rigid sexual staircase can also experience problems with an orgasm gap. In addition, sexual boredom can be an issue, especially in long term relationships. There can also be other reasons (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gencap Between Heterosexual Men and Women - Part 1 and Part 2).

Experiencing an Orgasm Gap

• Experiencing Sexual Disorders: A sexual disorder can be frustrating for both people in a relationship. It often leads to one or both people wanting to avoid sex as a way to side step dealing with the problem. Many sexual disorders, including painful sex (dyspareunia, vaginismus, pain related to a sexually transmitted infection or other issues) and problems with erectile unpredictability (erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or delayed ejaculation) can have physical and psychological causes. Ruling out a physical problem first is essential. If a physical problem has been ruled out or there appears to be a psychological component in addition to the physical problem, couples can be helped by a sex therapist. When there are physical and psychological problems, they are dealt with at the same time with the physical problem being handled by a urologist, sexual medicine professional or a pelvic floor physical therapist, and the psychological component being treated by a sex therapist.

• Dealing with a History of Cheating: Most people assume that partners cheat because they're unhappy in the relationship, but most of the time this isn't true. Cheating often occurs for complex reasons. Also, contrary to popular belief, most couples usually work out these issues, especially if they have been together for a while and they attend couples therapy. Of course, this is a personal choice and many couples are unable to work out issues related to cheating either because the partner who feels betrayed can't and/or won't do reconcile or because the partner who cheated won't give up a sexual affair (see my article: Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat?).

Dealing with a History of Cheating

• Dealing with a History of Compulsive or Out of Control Sexual Behavior: When a partner has a history of compulsive or out of control sexual behavior, this usually presents a problem in the relationship. There are many misconceptions about sexual compulsivity in terms of how to define it, whether it's an addiction, and other similar issues. But if the couple is willing to work on it, it's possible to overcome problems with sexual compulsivity in sex therapy.  In addition, many people are misinformed about this issue. For example, a man who thinks he is sexually compulsive because he masturbates occasionally in the privacy of his home, might actually be contending with sexual shame and guilt if his masturbation doesn't get in the way of the rest of his life. Another example would be a wife who thinks her husband has a "sexual addiction" because he watches porn occasionally. She is most likely misinformed. This doesn't mean that the husband watching porn might not be going against their relationship agreement. But it's probably not an "addiction." Of course, every case is different and context matters. So, a case where someone watches porn occasionally at home in private is different from someone who watches porn occasionally at work where they have been warned that they could be fired for violating the company policy. If that person continues to watch porn at work, knowing they are being monitored and they are jeopardizing their job, they have a problem (see my article: What is Out of Control Sexual Behavior?).

• Disagreeing About Whether or Not to Open Up the Relationship: Many people, who are currently in monogamous relationships, would like to have an open relationship, but their partner doesn't want it.  Couples who have a conflict around this issue could benefit from sex therapy where this issue can be negotiated, if both people are willing. Other couples want to open up the relationship, but they don't know how. There are many forms of consensual nonmonogamy. A couple can work out an agreement that suits both of them or they can acknowledge they're not compatible and end the relationship amicably. Sex therapy can help with all of these issues (see my article: What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?).

Disagreements About Opening Up a Relationship

• Experiencing Other Stressors in the Relationship: Chronic stress is usually a libido killer that can exacerbate already existing shame and guilt about sex. This can include:

• Health issues (in addition to the ones mentioned above)
• Lack of sleep
• Stress involved with child rearing
• Family problems
• Money problems
• Work-related stressors
• Other problems

Next Article: Overcoming Feels of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Personal Issues

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no sex, nudity or physical touch during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

If you're struggling with a sexual issue, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Cultural Issues

Sexual shame and guilt affect many people. So, if you're experiencing shame and guilt about sex, you're not alone (see my article: Understanding the Difference Between Shame and Guilt).

Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt

Often there are personal, interpersonal and cultural roots to sexual shame (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

In their book, Desire - An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships, authors Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD and Jennifer Vancill, PhD, discuss sexual shame and guilt with regard to cultural, interpersonal and personal factors (see my article: Overcoming Shame).

The authors discuss how disruptive shame and guilt can be to an individual's or a couple's sex life.

Sexual shame often causes people to feel that a part of them is wrong, bad or unacceptable in others' eyes, according to the authors.

They also make a distinction between sexual shame and guilt:

• Sexual shame is a worry about being rejected for an aspect of who you are--namely, a sexual being. 

• Sexual guilt is the worry about being rejected due to your sexual thoughts, feelings or behaviors. 

So, whereas shame is related to who you are (your character), guilt is related to what you have done or not done (your behavior).

By breaking down sexual shame and guilt according to cultural, interpersonal and personal factors, the authors help readers to see how powerfully disruptive these factors can be for individuals and couples.

The Cultural Roots of Sexual Shame and Guilt

In this article, I'm focusing on cultural factors and I'll discuss personal and interpersonal factors in upcoming articles.

Many cultures, including certain religions, intentionally or unintentionally instill a sense of shame and guilt about sexual matters.

People who grew up in a culture where it was considered taboo to have sex before marriage often find it difficult to "flip a switch" to feel positive about sex after they're married. 

The taboo about sex doesn't necessarily go away after they're married, especially if the taboo is deeply ingrained.  As a result, it can interfere with sexual pleasure for individuals and couples.

Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt 

Another taboo often found in certain cultures is that sex is only acceptable in monogamous, heterosexual relationships, which can cause guilt and shame if someone is part of the LGBTQ community, non-binary, consensually nonmonogamous, sexually questioning, sexually fluid or non-heteronormative.

Over time, I have worked with many psychotherapy clients who struggled with sexual guilt and shame due to cultural factors.

Logically they knew there was nothing to be ashamed or guilty about but, on an emotional level, they still carried these sex-negative emotions inside them because they were deeply internalized due to their culture.

Cultural factors also include the pervasive destructive messages women get about their body image. Women are often told explicitly and implicitly on social media, in magazines, on TV and by loved ones that they need to be thinner or taller or look some other way.  

All of these messages serve to convey to women, "You're not good enough," which can make it difficult for women to feel good about their bodies, especially during sex when they are most vulnerable.

Also see my article about how modern day slut-shaming affects women: Slut-Shaming Women and Girls is a Form of Bullying and Sexual Harassment).

Clinical Vignette:

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases with no identifying information, illustrates how cultural factors can engender feelings of sexual shame and guilt:

Sara and John

Sara and John began dating after they met at a party in their third year of college.

John grew up in a family that attended church, but they were culturally liberal.  Due to their sex-positive beliefs, they spoke to John about sex in a positive and age-appropriate way.  

In addition, they raised John to believe that his sexual feelings were a natural part of himself.

Sara grew up in a conservative religious family.  Her parents almost never discussed sex, and the only "sex education" she received from them was about the dangers of having sex in terms of an unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.  

Her parents believed sex before marriage was a sin due to their religious beliefs. They also believed that, even after marriage, sexual pleasure was for men only, and women should only engage in sex as part of their "wifely duty" or marital obligation.

Whereas John had prior sexual experiences before going out with Sara, Sara had no sexual experience before she met John. He was her first sexual partner.  

Even though she enjoyed sex with John, and logically, she didn't practice her childhood religion anymore or believe sex before marriage was a sin, she struggled emotionally after she and John had sex.  She enjoyed sex in the moment with John, but afterwards she felt the weight of guilt and shame bear down on her.

Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt

She shared her mixed reactions about sex with John, who was very understanding and patient.

They both believed that Sara's shame and guilt would disappear after they were married because she would no longer be going against the childhood religious prohibitions she grew up with.

But five years into their marriage, Sara couldn't shake these feelings.  She couldn't understand how her logical mind and her emotional mind reacted so differently to sex.

Although John was understanding, he was concerned that Sara might never overcome her shame and guilt if they didn't get help, so he suggested they attend sex therapy to work on their sexual problems.

They learned in sex therapy that these problems are relational problems--not just Sara's problem and, over time, they began to overcome these problems together with the help of their sex therapist.

Conclusion

Feelings of sexual shame and guilt are common. 

Personal, interpersonal or cultural factors are often the root cause.

These problems are often difficult to overcome on your own, so working with a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist is usually helpful.

This article focused on cultural issues.  The next articles will focus on interpersonal and personal issues related to sexual shame and guilt.

Next Articles: 

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Interpersonal Issues

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Related to Personal Issues

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no sex, nudity or physical exams during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

If you're struggling with a sexual issue, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy in a Relationship?

There can be a thin line between privacy and secrecy in a relationship.

Since this is a topic that often comes up in couples therapy and sex therapy sessions, it's the focus of the current article.  

Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship

Where you draw the boundary between privacy and secrecy is a personal choice, but be aware that there can be serious consequences to keeping secrets, especially if you or your partner feel betrayed.

What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy?

Let's start by defining the difference between privacy and secrecy and then looking at examples of each.

Privacy

Generally, privacy is consensual with both parties agreeing to the boundaries.

Privacy is also non-threatening to you and your partner because you have an agreement.

Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship

Secrecy

Secrecy is nonconsensual.  It hasn't been agreed to by you and your partner and there's no understanding about the boundaries. 

There are often selfish motives to secrecy that only protect the interests of the partner keeping the secret and would be potentially detrimental to the other partner.

Questions For Self Reflection

You and your partner might differ in how you each understand privacy and secrecy, which can create conflict and even jeopardize your relationship.

As a first step, it's important to do some personal introspection and consider the following questions for yourself:

• What are your true motives in keeping something hidden from my partner?

• Are you spending a lot of time and effort in trying to keep it hidden?

• Are you deluding yourself about the possible consequences by telling yourself, "What my partner doesn't know won't hurt them?"

• Are you hiding people, activities, plans or events in your life from your partner?

• Are you hiding financial matters from your partner, like credit card bills, hotel receipts and so on, when you have an agreement to share financial information (see my article: Financial Infidelity is a Major Issue in Many Relationships)

• Are you enlisting the help of friends or family members in keeping aspects of your life hidden from your partner?

• What are the underlying emotions involved with your behavior? Fear? Shame? Anxiety? Guilt? Sadness?

• Has your behavior created emotional and/or sexual distance between you and your partner due the hidden aspects of your life and your underlying emotions about it?

• Is your behavior potentially harmful to your partner if they find out or if others find out?

Answering "Yes" to the questions listed above point to keeping a secret rather than maintaining privacy. 

Lies include not only what you say but what you don't say, which are considered lies of omission (see my article: When Trust Breaks Down in a Relationship: Lies of Omission).

Also, consider these questions:

• As an empathetic person who cares about your partner, do you have a sense of peace about not revealing certain matters to your partner?  

• If so, what's behind your sense of peace?

• Does your decision coincide with an understanding and agreement you and your partner already have?

If you're being honest about your motives and you said "Yes" to the three questions immediately above, it appears that you're maintaining your privacy and not keeping secrets.

An Example of Maintaining Privacy

Angela and Sara are in a long term relationship. They each know that the other masturbates privately and they have agreed they don't need to talk about the details of their sexual fantasies when it involves other people--as long as they don't get involved with others in real life. Neither of them feels threatened by these fantasies.

Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship

An Example of Keeping a Secret

Jim and Betty have been together for two years, and they have an agreement to be monogamous. Jim values his relationship with Betty, but he can't stop thinking about his ex, Jane.  Occasionally, he meets Jane for coffee without telling Betty. He and Jane talk about the possibility of getting back together again, but Jim doesn't want to break up with Betty.  Jim justifies these get-togethers with Jane because he tells himself that nothing sexual has occurred between them. So, he believes he hasn't done anything wrong. He also feels that since Betty doesn't know that he meets with Jane, she won't be hurt by it. But one day Betty walked into the cafe where Jim and Betty go. She saw them sitting close together and talking softly, and she felt devastated and betrayed. Later that night, she confronted Jim, but he denied doing anything wrong. Soon after that Jim and Betty started couples therapy to try to work out their differences with regard to privacy and secrecy and Betty's feelings of betrayal.

Conclusion

There's a difference between privacy and secrecy in a relationship.

Each couple needs to have an understanding of what the boundaries are in their relationship and honor their agreement.

If you're confused about whether you're maintaining your privacy or keeping a secret, ask yourself the self reflective questions mentioned in this article.

If you are intentionally withholding information from your partner which leads your partner to believe things that are untrue (like you're monogamous when you're cheating), this is considered a lie of omission and your maintaining a secret.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you're having problems in your relationship with secrets, get help in individual or couples therapy.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Make Consent and Sexual Negotiation Fun

I've written about consent and sexual negotiation in previous articles (see my articles: No Means No Isn't Enough. What is Enthusiastic Consent?).

When I talk to my sex therapy clients about consent and negotiation, some of them tell me that having these talks can be boring, at best, or a libido killer at worst.  But I tell them it doesn't have to be that way.

How to Make Consent and Sexual Negotiation Fun

In the current article I'm discussing how to make consent and sexual negotiation fun and sexy.

Many of the ideas for this article come from the sex educator and author, Midori, from a podcast she did on the American Sex podcast with Sunny Megatron (Episode 72).

How to Make Sexual Negotiation Fun and Sexy

Consent is essential to sexual encounters with others.  

How to Make Consent and Sexual Negotiation Fun

Midori emphasizes that a discussion about the possibility of sex must be an engaged collaboration which she describes as actively participating in the collaboration . This means it's not about one person saying what they want and the other person passively going along.  This applies whether it's about vanilla sex or BDSM or kink.

Contrary to what many people think, sexual negotiation can be fun, playful and flirty rather than deadly serious or boring.

Fun and Sexy Consent and Sexual Negotiation Step-By-Step

Fun and sexy consent and negotiation starts with doing groundwork beforehand. So, you can consider the following steps if it suits your particular situation:

• Clear Your Mind Before Your Talk: Before you talk to your partner, instead of thinking about your to-do list, clear your mind so you're focused on what you want. Put aside thoughts about the laundry, the dishes, your taxes, etc. so you can focus. Being preoccupied with distracting thoughts about other things is a libido killer. A lot of people forget or don't know about clearing their mind beforehand, so they enter into sexual activities being distracted and then they become a spectator instead of being fully immersed in their talk or in their sexual activities. This is called spectatoring (see my article: Are You Distracted Before or During Sex?).

• Think About What You Want Before You Have the Discussion With Your Partner: Each person needs to think about what they actually want before they even have the discussion.  You might not know exactly what you want, but have an idea of what you want that day.  So, for instance, using food as a metaphor, you might know that you have a craving for Asian food and not Italian food that night, but you're not sure what type of Asian food because there's all different types, including Chinese, Japanese, Korean and so on.  But at least you have an idea.  Also, don't make assumptions about your partner. Using the food metaphor: Just because your partner usually wants steak, don't assume they want steak every time because they might want something different that day.

• Consider Your Mood Before Your Discussion With Your Partner: Are you feeling sassy, lazy, sexy or something else? That can make a difference in what you want to do.  Are you in the mood for a night of sexual flow where you each take your time or are you in the mood for a quickie with a burst of passion at the end? Being able to communicate this to your partner helps to improving the sexual experience for both of you.

How to Make Consent and Sexual Negotiation Fun

• Know Your Hard Limits Before the Discussion: While you're having your fun and flirty sexual negotiation with your partner, do you have hard limits? For instance, if you know you have to get up early the next day, you want to let your partner know that, at least for this time, you can't stay up all night.  On another night you might want to have a slow, sensuous, sexy night, but not on this particular night.  And there might be other hard limits, which is why it's important to think about these things beforehand if you think you and your partner might be having sex that night. Or, maybe your neck or back are hurting you so you want to be careful with whatever you do and you communicate this with your partner.

• Use "We" Language During the Sexual Negotiation: Midori stressed this point as part of the engaged collaboration because you might have a partner who is a passive pleaser, so to avoid having your partner (or yourself) just going along, use the collaborative "we" in your talk.  

• Approach Your Partner in a Playful, Flirtatious Way: Assuming it's appropriate for your relationship with your partner, make your discussion fun and flirty.  However, if you know that your partner would not respond well to playfulness and flirtation during your discussion, respect that because it would be a turn-off to them. Similarly, don't be overly-flirtatious if you don't know your partner well. You don't want to come across as creepy. Also, be aware of timing and the way you communicate with them on a verbal and non-verbal level. In addition, it's important to be able to pick up on cues from your partner and if you're not sure, ask them (see my article: How to Flirt).

• Keep an Open Mind, But Don't Do Anything You Don't Want to Do: On the one hand, when your partner is telling you what they want to do, keep an open mind and don't be critical of what they want if you don't want to do it. Criticism is often a libido killer for both people. On the other hand, never feel obligated to do anything you don't want to do.  Unfortunately, some women (and men) feel they must comply with their partner's wishes in order to get their partner to like them. Or they feel obligated to please them. If they suggest something you don't want to do, be tactful in the way you tell them you're not interested in that. If they get offended, this might not be the person for you.

• Remember: If You're Consenting, You're Consenting to an Experience and Not an Outcome: Midori made a good point in the podcast mentioned above that when someone consents to a sexual activity, they're consenting to the experience and not the outcome. There's no way to know beforehand if the outcome of your sexual encounter will be good, bad or indifferent. You're basically consenting to try a sexual activity with a partner. In some cases, you might be trying a particular sexual activity that you have never done before or you've never done with this particular person. So, be clear about this beforehand. 

• Never Pressure Your Partner to Do Anything They Don't Want to Do: Consent isn't about pressuring your partner to do what they don't want to do, so never pressure anyone--not even in a way that you think is subtle and never allow yourself to be pressured (see my article: Pressure is Not Part of Negotiating Consent).

• Discuss Aftercare and What You Want to Happen After Sex: You might not always know everything you want afterwards but, to the extent you know certain things, let your partner know whether or not you want them to stay over and what type of aftercare you want.  Even though aftercare is often associated with BDSM and kink, aftercare is usually important to people who engage in non-kink, vanilla sex too. So, for instance, even if you know you don't want to sleep with your partner after sex, you might know that you like to cuddle afterwards for a little while or talk.  Or, if you know you don't like to cuddle or talk afterwards, let your partner know so there's less of a chance of confusion and disappointment if they have different expectations.

• Pay Attention to Your Own Feelings and Your Partner's Cues Throughout the Sexual Encounter: As previously mentioned, you and your partner might be exploring sexual activities that are new to one or both of you, so pay attention to your internal experience as well as your partner's cues. Even though you both consented to an activity beforehand, either of you can withdraw your consent at any time if the experience becomes uncomfortable. Don't feel obligated to continue if you or your partner are uncomfortable. You can pause to talk or you can stop altogether depending upon what is needed at the time. Make sure you talk about this beforehand to try to avoid misunderstandings or hurt feelings.

Conclusion

In recent years, there has been pushback and misconceptions about consent and sexual negotiation. But giving and getting consent and negotiating sexual activities doesn't have to be ruin the mood if you both approach it in a fun and playful way.

On the contrary, you can use the discussion with your partner to spice up your sex life and to build trust and a deeper connection, if you want it, between you and your partner.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're struggling with a sexual issue, you can get help in sex therapy.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

During sex therapy sessions, there is no nudity, physical touch or sexual activity of any kind (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, get help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Being Emotionally Vulnerable is a Strength

In a prior article I discussed vulnerability in terms of it being a pathway to intimacy.  However, I'm aware that a lot of people think of vulnerability as a weakness and their reluctance to allow themselves to be open and vulnerable in their relationship creates disconnection in their relationship.

Emotional Vulnerability is a Strength

What is Emotional Vulnerability in a Relationship?

Emotional vulnerability in a relationship is a state of being open by acknowledging and taking a risk to expose your feelings to your partner.  This allows you to love them and to be loved by them.

Emotional vulnerability allows you and your partner to connect and deepen your relationship.  

What Are Examples of Emotional Vulnerability?

The following are some of the most common examples of emotional vulnerability:

• Telling your partner you love them
• Talking honestly and openly about your emotional needs
• Talking about your hopes, fears and dreams
• Apologizing for your mistakes 
• Sharing your feelings of grief
• Sharing your feelings of disappointment
• Sharing your feelings of shame
• Telling your partner why you're angry
• Telling your partner why you're sad
• Making an effort to work through problems in your relationship

Why is Emotional Vulnerability Important in a Relationship?

According to Dr. Brene Brown, author and social work researcher, "Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, empathy and creativity."

Dr. Brown goes on to say, "To love is to be vulnerable, to give someone your heart and say, 'I know this could hurt so bad, but I'm willing to do it; I'm willing to be vulnerable to love you."

Vulnerability allows you to grow as a person. It helps to build trust, empathy, honesty and a stronger bond between you and your partner.

What is Fear of Emotional Vulnerability?

Fear of vulnerability is common for adults.

But no one is born with a fear of vulnerability.  Generally, young children are open and free with their emotions if they grow up in an atmosphere of emotional safety.  

But if they grow up in an environment where they experience emotional neglect or abuse or they witness family members being emotionally or physically abused, they learn that the world is a painful place and they need to protect themselves by closing themselves off (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

In other words, fear of emotional vulnerability is a learned experience.  It's not that anyone necessarily tells children this explicitly--it's a matter of them internalizing the emotional pain they experience or witness in the family.  This often leaves them feeling ashamed and unlovable.

For example, children who grow up in a family where one or both parents are alcoholic (or dysfunctional in other ways) might see a loving sober parent become an angry, abusive parent when they're drunk.  

They might also see their sober parent in emotional pain and taking on the full mental and emotional load of raising them because their alcoholic or dysfunctional parent can't do it.

What this communicates to a young child is that when they grow up, they can't trust their partner. Instead, they think they have to learn to be completely "independent," but in reality, this is a pseudo-independence because it's a denial of their emotional needs (see my article: Is This "Independence" or Shame?).

Often the person who grows up with a fear of vulnerability due to their childhood experiences over-functions for their partner. They might do most or all the household chores, take on the complete responsibility of raising their children and managing the finances.  

Underneath this over-functioning is often a mistrust that their partner will be there for them emotionally, mentally and practically.  This might actually be the case in reality if they chose someone who is unable or unwilling to be there for them or it might be a false perception they would have for any partner.

Consequences of Not Being Vulnerable

Building a protective emotional wall around yourself might make you feel momentarily safe, but there are long term negative consequences for you and your relationship.

An inability and/or an unwillingness to be emotionally vulnerable with a partner sets a limit in your relationship in terms of how the relationship can grow and deepen.  It's harmful to you as an individual and it's hurtful to your partner.

Over time, a lack of vulnerability between two people in a relationship can cause emotional disconnection.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you struggle to be emotionally vulnerable, you might already be aware of the negative consequences this has in your life.

Rather than struggling with your fear and shame on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Learning to be emotionally vulnerable in a healthy relationship can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.