Your Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs

In my prior article, Elevated Erotic Feelings Can Enhance Your Mood For Sex, I focused on elevated erotic feelings, core erotic feelings, peak erotic experiences, erotic themes, emotional aphrodisiacs, sexual fantasies and how these emotions and fantasies can enhance your sex life (see my article: Core Erotic Feelings: What Emotions Help You to Get in the Mood For Sex?)

Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs

Guilt and shame are often major stumbling blocks to exploring sexual fantasies, especially fantasies that don't match everyday values and beliefs (see my article: Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

When I work with clients in my New York City psychotherapy practice about these issues, I help them to realize and accept that sexual fantasies have unconscious elements to them and that there's a difference between what they fantasize about and what they actually want to do.

It's also true that many other people do find it exciting to experiment with their fantasies either during solo sex or during partnered sex where the behavior is mutually consensual.

Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Everyday Values and Beliefs

In his book, Tell Me What You Want, Dr. Justin Lehmiller, Kinsey sex researcher and social psychologist, surveyed over 4,000 people about their sexual fantasies.  He discovered that it's common for sexual fantasies to be completely different from people's everyday beliefs and values (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

Dr. Michael Bader, a sex therapist who wrote the book, Arousal, gives many case examples from his clinical practice where sexual fantasies are different from people's beliefs.  He also discusses the unconscious elements in sexual fantasies which stem from clients' personal histories (see my article: Understanding the Unconscious Meaning of Your Sexual Fantasies).

For many people, transgressive sexual fantasies, which are completely opposed to their beliefs and values, are often the most exciting fantasies.

Examples of Sexual Fantasies That Don't Match Values and Beliefs

Let's explore this further with examples below which are fictionalized versions of common sex therapy cases:

Vera

Vera spent her life advocating for women's rights and non-violence.  These issues were very important to her, so she felt confused, guilty and ashamed that her sexual fantasies included being dominated and humiliated during sex.  Although she found these fantasies exciting, she wasn't interested in actually being overpowered or humiliated by her lover.  

Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs

When she attended sex therapy to deal with her inner conflict between her beliefs and her sexual fantasies, she learned that it's common for there to be a mismatch between beliefs and fantasies.  She also learned that it's common for people to have sexual fantasies that they never want to enact in real life.  She and her sex therapist also explored the unconscious elements of her fantasies and she realized how her fantasies were related to her personal history.  Over time, she was able to enjoy her fantasies without being worried, guilty or ashamed.  

Peter

Being kind to others was important to Peter.  His friends and loved ones often commented on his kindness and compassion.  But Peter experienced an inner conflict about himself because he had sexual fantasies about dominance and humiliation.  He couldn't understand how his sexual fantasies could be so out of synch with his firmly held beliefs.  He wondered if these fantasies meant he was really an awful person.  

Talking to Your Partner About Your Sexual Fantasies

With much guilt and shame, Peter confided in his wife.  After he told her about his fantasies, he was surprised by her reaction.  She told him that, based on her readings about sexual fantasies, she knew that these fantasies were common and nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.  She also told him she always thought of him as being a kind person and his fantasies didn't change her view of him.  Even more surprising to Peter, his wife said his fantasies got her sexually aroused.  She suggested they do a sexual role play about them just for fun.  This idea excited Peter so they experimented with elements of light BDSM: Bondage Discipline (Dominance), Sadism (Submission) and Masochism.  This really spiced up their sex life and Peter no longer felt ashamed or guilty (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex, The Benefits of Sexual Role Play and The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in Your Relationship).

Jane

Jane considered herself to be devoutly religious, but when she watched the movie, "Fifty Shades of Gray," she felt surprised that she felt sexually aroused.  She also felt guilty and ashamed about being aroused, especially when she imagined herself to be in the role of the woman in the movie.  With a great deal of hesitation, she confided in her close friend, Carol, who attended the same church.  As she told Carol about her thoughts, Jane couldn't even look Carol in the eyes because she felt so ashamed.  

Confiding in a Supportive Friend

But when she looked up, she saw that Carol was smiling.  She told Jane, "I felt the same way when I watched it!  Isn't it great?" At first, Jane wasn't sure how to respond, but she was relieved to know that she wasn't the only one with strong religious beliefs who was turned on by this movie.  After a while, Jane got curious about whether other people might feel the same way, so she read books written by sex therapists and researchers and she discovered that her experience was common.  This was a great relief to Jane.  Although she would never tell her pastor about it, over time, Jane began to enjoy the transgressive nature of her fantasies, and she no longer felt ashamed or guilty (see my article: Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission).

Ed

Ed advocated for women's rights through his volunteer work. This work was very important to him.  But when he was at home alone, he often enjoyed watching pornography, which he felt guilty and ashamed about afterwards.  He couldn't understand how his beliefs and values about the importance of women's rights was so different from what got him sexually turned on when he watched porn.  

Sexual Fantasies Don't Always Match Your Values and Beliefs

He felt like he was a terrible person, so he sought help in sex therapy to understand these contradictory feelings.  His sex therapist helped him to connect his sexual fantasies to unconscious feelings related to his personal history.  Over time, Ed was relieved of his guilt and shame.  His therapist also told him that if he preferred to watch porn that wasn't degrading to women, he could watch ethical pornography, which was produced and distributed by women.  Ed tried watching ethical porn and he discovered that he enjoyed it much more (see my article:  What is the Difference Between Ethical Pornography and Mainstream Porn?).

Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Sexual Fantasies in Sex Therapy

Whether you enact your fantasies or not, sexual fantasies can enhance your sexual experiences during solo sex or during partnered sex--as long as whatever you do is with an adult who consenting enthusiastically.

Many people know on an intellectual level that they can fantasize about whatever they want and there's nothing wrong with it, but on an emotional level they feel guilt and shame.

If you struggle with shame and guilt about your sexual fantasies, you could benefit from working with a sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Elevated Erotic Feelings Can Enhance Your Mood For Sex

In my prior article, Core Erotic Feelings: What Emotions Help You to Get in the Mood For Sex?, I began a discussion about core erotic feelings (CEF) mentioned in a book by Dr. Jessica O'Reilly and Marla Renee Stewart MA called The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay.  In the current article, I'm focusing on another idea from this book called elevated erotic feelings (EEF).

Elevated Erotic Feelings Can Enhance Your Mood For Sex

What Are Elevated Erotic Feelings (EEF)?

Whereas core erotic feelings (CEF) are the particular emotions you need to get in the mood for sex, elevated erotic feelings are what enhance the sexual experience, according to Dr. O'Reilly (see my article: What is Eroticism?).

She indicates that elevated erotic feelings (EEF) make the sexual feelings more intense in a specific way and could be related to:

• Physical pleasure
• Psychological thrill (see my article: The Thrill of the Chase)
• Emotional fulfillment
• Intimate connection
• Spiritual experience
• Some other benefit derived from sex

According to Dr. O'Reilly, core erotic feelings tend to be fairly stable, but they can also change over time.  

In contrast, elevated erotic feelings (EEF) often vary within the same time period, which means one day you might need a particular EEF and the next day you might need a different one.

As I mentioned in my previous article, there are some people who tend to be in the mood for sex most of the time, so they don't need to focus on a CEF or EEF.  Some of the examples below illustrate this point.

Examples of Elevated Erotic Feelings (EEF)

The following examples, which are fictionalized scenarios, illustrate both CEF and EEF, and how EEF can take a sexual experience to the next level:

• Maxine: To get in the mood to have sex, Maxine needs to feel calm.  So, she and her partner, Ed take time before they have sex to do some deep breathing and meditation to overcome the stress of the day and transition into their sexual time together.  To enhance her sexual experience, Maxine enjoys when Ed tells her that he loves her.  Feeling loved by Ed is Maxine's elevated erotic feeling and it makes sex more pleasurable for her.  Feeling challenged is what enhances sex for Ed (his EEF) at times.  So, when he tells her he's in the mood to be challenged, Maxine responds by being playful and alternating between seducing him and then pretending to withhold sex.  This challenge excites Ed when he's in the mood for it.
• Core Erotic Feeling for Maxine: Feeling Calm
• Elevated Erotic Feeling for Maxine: Feeling loved

Elevated Erotic Feelings

• Roberta: In order to get into the mood to have sex, Roberta needs to feel sexually desirable.  So, her partner, Sara, makes sure to let Roberta know she thinks Roberta is beautiful and sexy.  This isn't a problem at all for Sara because she genuinely feels that way.  Sara is someone who is in the mood for sex regardless of whatever emotions she's experiencing at the moment, so she doesn't need to focus on a CEF or EEF.  However, she knows that Roberta's elevated erotic feeling (EEF) is taking a risk (when Roberta is in the mood for this).  So, they sometimes come up with ways to make sex more exciting for Roberta, like camping out in a tent in their backyard.  They have privacy in their tent and they know that no one can really see them. But even the thought that a neighbor who looks out the window might think Roberta and Sara are having sex feels risky enough to get Roberta even more sexually excited.  
• Core Erotic Feeling For Roberta:  Feeling Sexually Desirable
• Elevated Erotic Feeling For Roberta: Taking a Risk

Elevated Erotic Feelings

• Tod: Tod's core erotic feeling is being playful.  So, his partner, Mike includes an element of playfulness when they have sex.  He knows that when he and Tod laugh and tease each other, Tod gets turned on.  There are also times when Tod wants to take it to the next level and he lets Mike know that he wants to be surprised.  So, Mike surprises him by including new sex toys that get Tod excited.  Sometimes Tod likes the thrill of being blindfolded when Mike uses different sexual props, like feathers, to enhance the physical thrill.  Mike tends to be in the mood for sex most of the time, so he's not focused on a CEF or EEF.
• Core Erotic Feeling For Tod: Feeling Playful
• Elevated Erotic Feeling For Tod: Being Surprised

Elevated Erotic Feelings

In the examples above, these individuals have communicated beforehand what they need to get sexually aroused (their CEF) and what will enhance the experience (their EEF), except in the cases where one of the partners doesn't need EEF or CEF to get sexually aroused.

Each person also needs to be attuned to their partner to know what they need at any given time to make sex more pleasurable for them.

Dr. Jack Morin's Book: The Erotic Mind

Many of the concepts in Dr. O'Reilly's book bring to mind Dr. Jack Morin's ideas about core erotic themes and peak erotic experiences from his book, The Erotic Mind.  See my articles related to the topics in Dr. Morin's book:

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?

Reviving Your Sex Life With Peak Erotic Experiences

What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism?

In The Erotic Mind, Dr. Morin also discusses the four cornerstones of eroticism.  See links below for my articles which explain each of these cornerstones:

• Longing and Anticipation
  
• Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules
  
• Searching For Power
  
• Overcoming Ambivalence

What Are Emotional Aphrodisiacs?

According to Dr. Jack Morin, there are also emotional aphrodisiacs.  Surprisingly, some of them might not be what you would expect because they have a paradoxical effect on the person who is turned on by them.  See my links below for my articles about emotional aphrodisiacs and their paradoxical effect (see my article: Embracing Your Internal Contradictions and Paradoxes):

What Are Emotional Aphrodisiacs?

Anger as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Guilt as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Anxiety as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Sexual Turn-ons and Fantasies Don't Always Coincide With Your Usual Values and Beliefs

What turns on certain people behind closed doors might not align with their usual values and beliefs in everyday life.  This relates to the internal contradictions and paradoxes mentioned above.

For some people, this creates inner conflict, guilt and shame because they might not understand that internally each of us is made up of a multiplicity of selves (see my article: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are).

They might also feel like they're being hypocrites to feel one way in their everyday daily life outside the bedroom versus how they feel sexually behind closed doors.

According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a Kinsey sex researcher and social psychologist, there might not be a particular reason why someone has a sexual fantasy that's contradictory to their everyday beliefs and values.  However, for some people, their sexual fantasies are related to their particular emotional needs.  

More about this in a future article.

Conclusion

Core erotic feelings are the emotions a person needs to feel to get into the mood for sex, and elevated erotic feelings enhance and intensify sex, according to Dr. O'Reilly.

Although core erotic feelings tend to be stable, they can also change over time.  

Elevated erotic feelings can vary from day to day depending on what a person needs to intensify sexual arousal at any given time.

Getting to know what you need to feel sexual (your CEF) and what enhances sex for you (your EEF) can make your sex life more pleasurable.

Communication between you and your partners(s) about what each of you needs can enhance partnered sex.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sometimes guilt and shame get in the way of sexual pleasure.  

If you have been unable to work through these issues, you could benefit from seeking help from a sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Core Erotic Feelings: What Emotions Help You to Get in the Mood For Sex?

In the book, The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay - Techniques and Strategies For Mind-Blowing Sex by Jessica O'Reilly, Ph.D. and Marla Renee Stewart, MA, there is a fascinating chapter about core erotic feelings (CEF), which is the subject of this article (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self and What is Your Erotic Blueprint?).

Discovering Your Core Erotic Feelings

The main author, Dr. O'Reilly, who lives in Canada, is also known for her popular podcast, "Sex With Dr. Jess."  She is a sexologist who promotes healthy and pleasurable sex.  She also appears on television.  

Her theory about core erotic feelings reminds me of the work of sex therapist and researcher Dr. Jack Morin who wrote about core erotic themes and peak sexual experiences in his book, The Erotic Mind (see my articles: Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences and Reviving Your Sex Life With Your Peak Erotic Experiences).

What Are Core Erotic Feelings?

According to Dr. O'Reilly, to get into the mood for sex, it's not just about what you say or do--it's also about how you feel, which are your core erotic feelings (CEF). She indicates that CEF are a prerequisite for getting into the mood for sex.

Everyone is different, so what might be a CEF for you might not be a CEF for others.  When you're able to identify your own and your partner's CEF, you can have an impact on your sexual dynamics.

Dr. O'Reilly posits that your CEF is an essential part of who you are, and although it can change over time, it often remains the same.

According to Dr. O'Reilly, some common CEFs are feeling

• Desirable (this is a common CEF for women)
• Powerful
• Vulnerable
• Happy 
• Confident
• Sexy
• Loved
• Safe
• Stressed
• Challenged
• Playful
• Subjugated
• Serene
• Excited
• Calm
• Comfortable
• Passionate
• Liberated

The CEFs listed above are just a short list.   There are many others.

How Can You Discover Your Core Erotic Feeling (CEF)?

To discover your CEF, it helps if you: 

• Think back to how you felt emotionally during a peak erotic experience
• Spend time thinking and writing about this experience in your private journal, including what made it pleasurable for you and the emotion involved.

• Remember a sexual fantasy that gave you pleasure and remember what emotion you were feeling
• Remember a favorite sexual fantasy.  Ask yourself what makes it especially pleasurable. Spend time writing about it in your private journal and include the emotion involved.

Examples of Peak Erotic Sexual Experiences and the Related Core Erotic Feelings 

The following are common examples of CEFs that illustrate what you can discover about yourself when you think back to pleasurable sexual experiences and fantasies (all the names and identifying information have been changed to protect confidentiality).  

Remember there is no right or wrong answer, and everyone is different in terms of what emotions are involved that get them turned on.

Mary:  

When I got home from a stressful day at work on a Friday night, I was greeted by my husband, who gave me a passionate kiss and handed me a glass of my favorite red wine.  He told me he arranged for our children to spend the weekend with his parents so we could have a sexy, romantic weekend together.  We had not had a weekend to ourselves in months, so I felt myself relaxing as soon as I heard we were alone.  

Discovering Your Core Erotic Feelings

He led me into the bathroom where the tub was filled with my favorite bubble bath.  Then, he slowly undressed me as he kissed me and told me how lucky he felt to have such a sexy wife.  Then, feeling like a queen, I stepped into the sensualness of the bubble bath.  After I soaked for a bit and allowed the tension of the day to dissolve, I asked him to join me, and he did.  This was the beginning of a wonderful romantic, sexy weekend.

• Core Erotic Feeling: Feeling Sexy 

Adie:  

On our one-year anniversary, my partner, Vickie, rented a room in one of our favorite bed and breakfast inns where we had a romantic dinner.  After dinner, we went to our cozy Victorian room, which had a fireplace in the living room and the bedroom.  We cuddled by the fire in the living room and drank champagne to celebrate our anniversary.  

Discovering Your Core Erotic Feelings

Eventually, we made our way to the bedroom where Vickie lit candles and put on my favorite song, a romantic jazzy song by Ella Fitzgerald that we considered "our song" because it was playing the night when we met.  Then, we both got undressed and she gave me one of the best massages I've ever had in my life.  I was so relaxed that I just melted in her arms and we made love.

• Core Erotic Feeling: Feeling Loved

Ted:  

I met my girlfriend, Jane, at our favorite French restaurant in Manhattan.  I had just left a contentious work meeting where my confidence took a hit when the one of my colleagues criticized an idea I proposed at the meeting.  I was still consumed with how deflated and stressed I felt at the meeting when I walked into the restaurant and saw Jane sitting at the bar.  I was afraid I would be so distracted by my work-related worries that I wouldn't be able to enjoy the evening with Jane.  

Discovering Your Core Erotic Feelings

But when I approached her, I saw she looked amazing.  She was wearing a beautiful sexy black dress, and I knew she had gotten dressed up just for me, which made me feel great.  I was about to greet her when she turned to me with a seductive look and said in a low voice, "I've never seen you here before, but I definitely want to get to know you." I realized she wanted to do a sexy role play where we were two strangers who met at a bar.  Before I could say anything, she leaned over and whispered dirty talk into my ear, which really turned me on.  We never got to have dinner that night because we were back home having some of the best sex of our lives 20 minutes later (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?).

• Core Erotic Feelings: Feeling Sexually Desirable and Powerful

Examples of Sexual Fantasies and Core Erotic Feelings (CEF) 

As mentioned previously, you can discover your CEF through your favorite sexual fantasies, as illustrated by the composite examples below (all identifying information removed):

John: 

There's a beautiful waitress in a restaurant close to my apartment.  In reality, she's always friendly but professional.  She's never made a pass at me and I have never flirted with her.  I can barely speak whenever she comes to take my order, and my friends tease me about this.  But in my fantasy, she invites me to see the catering room in the back.  She seems like her usual self--until we're alone in the room.  Then, she's all over me and we end up on the floor having passionate sex.  

• Core Erotic Feelings: Feeling Excited and Confident

Bill:  

There are two attractive gay men who own a men's clothing store in my neighborhood.  They're also in a relationship together. In reality, they have always been helpful and professional.  They have never crossed a sexual boundary with me, but I'm secretly attracted to both of them.  In my fantasy, one of the men comes into the large dressing room where I'm trying on clothes.  No one else is around.  He winks at me and then he kisses me on the mouth.  Soon he's undressing me and we're rolling around the floor.  

Discovering Your Core Erotic Feelings

Suddenly, his lover comes in, discovers us on top of each other and looks angry.  But to my surprise, he says to his partner, "Why wasn't I invited to the party?"  Then, we're all in a heap on the floor rolling all over each other.

• Core Erotic Feelings: Feeling Playful and Excited

What Detracts From Your Core Erotic Feeling (CEF)?

Even if you know what emotions get you turned on, you might have certain experiences or other conflicting emotions that detract from your CEF, including:

• Stress
• Guilt
• Shame
• Anger
• Jealousy
• Envy
• Sleep deprivation
• Hunger
• Unresolved trauma
• Your Roles: An example of this would be a woman with children who has difficulty transitioning from being mother during the day to a sexy woman with her partner at night.  She might need a transitional time to let go of her role as a mother to feel like a sexual being with her partner.

The examples listed above are only a few of the emotions and experiences that can detract from your CEFs. 

What Changes Do You Need to Make to Experience Your Core Erotic Feelings?

Identifying what gets in the way of your CEF is the first step in making the necessary changes.

For example, if you know that stress is a major obstacle in terms of experiencing your CEF, you might need to experiment with different ways to de-stress and transition into a sexual mindset.

There might be limitations to what you can do for certain situations.  For instance, if you have a young child who gets up in the middle of the night and comes into the bedroom where you and your partner are hoping for some privacy to have sex, you might have to get more creative.  

Similar to one of the examples above, if possible, you might ask your parents or your in-laws if your child can occasionally spend the night with them so you and your partner can have privacy.

Exploring Your Partner's Core Erotic Feelings

If you're in a relationship, you can communicate with your partner about what you need to feel emotionally to get turned on.  

You can also be open and get curious about what emotions are involved with your partner getting turned on.  If your partner is open to it, encourage him or her to discover their own CEF by thinking about their peak erotic experiences and sexual fantasies and identifying the emotions involved.

Once you have shared your CEFs with each other, you can have fun finding ways to stimulate these feelings in each other.

Some People Tend to Be in the Mood For Sex Regardless of Their Emotions

There are some people who, regardless of their mood, are ready to have sex at the drop of a hat.  Whether they're happy, sad, angry or stressed out, their emotions don't affect their mood for sex.  These people don't usually need to pay so much attention to their emotions because, when it comes to sex, they're ready.  

For everyone else, knowing what core erotic feelings gets them in the mood helps them to have a better experience and to communicate their needs to their partner(s).

Recommendation: The Sexual Excitement Survey (SES)

In the Appendix of The Erotic Mind by Dr. Morin, there is a Sexual Excitement Survey (SES) that you can take.  

By completing this survey (privately for yourself), you can stimulate ideas about your peak erotic experiences.  

If you have a partner, you and your partner can take the survey and share your results if you feel comfortable.

Part 1 is about your most memorable peak erotic experiences and Part 2 is about your sexual fantasies.

Next Article: 

In my next article, I'll focus on another fascinating chapter in Dr. O'Reilly's book: Elevated Erotic Feelings (see my article: Elevated Erotic Feelings Can Enhance Your Mood For Sex).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you are unable to access your core erotic feelings due to a history of unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has an expertise in trauma therapy as well as sex therapy.  

Freeing yourself from your traumatic history can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

My specialties include sex therapy and trauma therapy (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Advantages of Having a Relationship Agreement When You're in a Monogamous Relationship

In my article, What is an Ethical Non-Monogamous Relationship?, I discussed the advantages of having a relationship agreement that is mutually agreed upon by the individuals in the relationship.  But relationship agreements aren't just for non-traditional relationships.  There are also advantages to having an agreement in a monogamous relationship.

Relationship Agreements For Monogamous Relationships

Although many people enter into monogamous relationships assuming they are both on the same page, this often turns out not to be the case (see my article: Telltale Signs You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page About Your Relationship).

Once they're in a committed relationship, couples often discover that each of them have different ideas about what it means to be monogamous because they haven't talked about it beforehand.

You might say, "But being monogamous means you've made a commitment to be with just one person!  Isn't that obvious?"  I would respond that it's often more complicated than that.  

Let's explore this further below.

People Are Living Longer: Monogamy Forever vs Monogamy For Right Now 

In her book, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, Dr. Esther Perel, relationship and sex therapist, says that, in the past, monogamy used to mean that you were with one person for the rest of your life.

But today people are living much longer than they did in the past, so monogamy often means something different today: For many people it means that they'll be monogamous with one person at a time, the person they're with right now, which might not be for the rest of their life.  

As compared to the past, many people no longer think in terms of a forever relationship because there is a recognition that relationships are more likely to end now than they did in your grandparents' day.  This doesn't mean that no relationship ever lasts.  Obviously, many relationships do last a lifetime, but half of them don't.

I don't think most people enter into a committed relationship or a marriage with the idea that it won't last. But, at the same time, most people know, even if it's way in the back of their minds, that about 50% of first-time marriages end in divorce.  And they know those aren't good odds.

Infidelity Has Increased

According to Kinsey sex researcher and social psychologist, Dr. Justin Lehmiller, about 20-25% of people admit to cheating on their spouse, and the rate is even higher among people who are in a relationship but not married.

There are also more opportunities to cheat on dating apps, including dating apps for people who are married but who want to have affairs. There can be additional cellphones with secret calls, emails and texts.  There are social media sites with messaging that make it convenient to cheat. And so on.

According to Dr. Lehmiller, people give various reasons for cheating on their spouse or significant other, including:

• Sexual desire
• Anger
• Lack of love
• Neglect
• Lack of commitment
• Situational factors, including alcohol or being away on vacation
• Ego/esteem boosting (see my article: Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable)
• A desire for variety

There is No "One-Size Fits All" Standard for Monogamy These Days

While it might have been clear what monogamy meant 40 or 50 years ago, today there are so many factors to take into consideration.  

When two people in a relationship don't discuss what monogamy means to each of them, there are often misunderstandings and hurt feelings when they encounter differences in how they each define monogamy, as we will see below.

Clinical Vignettes: Couples Who Agreed to Be Monogamous Discover They Define Monogamy Differently

The following vignettes are composites of many different cases with all identifying information removed:

Ann and Bill

Ann and Bill were in their early 40s.  Ten years into the marriage, Ann discovered Bill watching pornography one night when she woke up in the middle of the night and went into their living room to see what Bill was doing.  This upset Ann very much because she considered it a violation of their marriage vows.  Bill couldn't understand why Ann was so upset.  To him, watching porn was a meaningless diversion.  Although they argued about it for days, they couldn't reach an agreement.  Ann insisted that Bill seek help in therapy, but he refused.  So, instead they entered into sex therapy as a couple.

Relationship Agreements For Monogamous Relationships

While in sex therapy, they each realized that they had never talked about this issue before and each of them assumed the other was in agreement with him or her.  Ann accused Bill of being a "sex addict" during their sex therapy sessions, and Bill accused Ann of being a "prude."  Over time, they learned in therapy that Bill wasn't a sex addict and Ann wasn't a prude--they just saw things differently.  They were able to work on the underlying issues that were causing problems for them and they eventually reached a compromise.  They also worked on a relationship agreement together and they each had a written copy of it.  The process of working on the agreement helped them to understand each other, avoid problems and it brought them closer together.

Gary and Ina

Gary and Ina dated for two years before they moved in together when Gary's New York City apartment lease was up.  They both agreed to be monogamous.  One day, when he was out with colleagues, Gary went to a local bar and saw Ina having drinks with a very attractive man.  They were sitting close together talking and laughing, which upset Gary. She told Gary earlier in the day that she was having drinks with a colleague, but she never mentioned her colleague was a man and that he was very handsome. Gary was also disturbed to see how close they were sitting and how their body language signaled an intimacy between them. After he calmed himself down, he walked over to Ina and the man she was with and she seemed surprised to see him.  She introduced Gary to Mike and told Gary that she was just about to leave and Mike agreed to drive her home.  

Relationship Agreements For Monogamous Relationships

Later that night, when they were home together, Gary told Ina how upset he was to see her with Mike.  Ina immediately took offense to Gary's words because she felt he was accusing her of cheating.  After many arguments, they entered into couples therapy where they talked about their differences.  Ina admitted that there had been other nights when she and Mike had drinks together, but they kept it strictly platonic. She said she just enjoyed his company.  At first, she didn't see anything wrong with being with Mike.  But over time, Ina realized that, even though she and Mike weren't having sex, they were having an an emotional affair where there was emotional intimacy.  She realized this wasn't healthy for her relationship with Gary. She also realized it could complicate issues at work, so she stopped seeing Mike outside the office.  Eventually, Ina and Gary worked out a written relationship agreement about this issue and other issues, which helped to bring them closer together.

Bob and Joe

Five years into their marriage, Bob realized that Joe was seeing other men for casual sex. He found emails from several men that were sexually explicit with pictures and links to hotels where Joe was meeting them.  This was something they had never talked about before, and Bob now realized that he had avoided the issue before because he was afraid of a verbal confrontation. He wasn't seeing anyone else, but he knew many of his gay male friends who were in relationships were non-monogamous.  Some of them hadn't worked out any agreement about these other relationships. They somewhat knew there were other men, but they didn't discuss it.  Some were in consensual non-monogamous relationships where they worked out an agreement between them.  And others were supposed to be monogamous but they were cheating on each other.  When he worked up the courage to talk to Joe, Bob told him about the emails he found and he expressed his hurt and anger.  

Relationship Agreements For Monogamish Relationships

In response, Joe expressed surprised. He assumed they had a "don't ask, don't tell" agreement where they were basically "monogamish" (monogamish is a term coined by Dan Savage, a gay sex columnist, which means that a couple is committed to each other but they have sex with other people).  Joe said they thought their unspoken agreement was that they could see other people as long as they practiced safe sex and didn't develop an emotional attachment to anyone else.   A few weeks later, they were in couples therapy working out their differences.  Eventually, they worked out a written relationship agreement that they both could live with where they would practice consensual non-monogamy.  They agreed to be each other's primary partner, but they could have occasional sexual affairs with other people as long as everything was above board and out in the open.

Nina and Jill

After dating for two years, Nina and Jill decided to move in together.  They planned to get married in a year.  One day Nina met Jill at a local lesbian bar in Manhattan where Jill often met friends.  As soon as she arrived, Nina saw Jill dancing and flirting with another woman.  When the dance was over, Nina asked Jill to step outside to talk and she told Jill how upset she was to see her flirting with another woman.  Jill responded defensively.  She couldn't understand why Nina was upset because she considered flirting to be harmless.  She said she enjoyed flirting because it was an ego boost for her and for the other person.  Nina told her she considered flirting to be cheating or, at the very least, micro-cheating, and she wasn't going to stand for it.  Soon after that, they went home and they had a big argument.  

Relationship Agreements For Monogamous Couples

In the heat of the moment, Nina told Jill she wasn't sure she wanted to get married to someone who was going to flirt with other people.  Jill was hurt when she heard this and she responded by saying she wasn't sure she wanted to marry someone who was so petty and jealous.  

A few weeks later, when they couldn't work things out on their own, they sought help in couples therapy.  Being able to talk things out in an emotionally safe environment helped each of them to open up.  They soon realized they had never discussed this issue before.  Although each of them thought their opinion was the "correct" one, they also wanted to come to a mutual agreement.  

Over time, Jill realized that even though she had no intention of developing a sexual or emotional relationship with anyone else, she enjoyed the variety she experienced when she flirted with other women.  She also liked feeling desirable when other women responded by flirting back. In addition, she said, with some hesitation, she and Nina had not had sex in several months, and she felt neglected. But since she knew it was hurtful to Nina, Jill agreed to stop flirting.  And, as part of their written relationship agreement, which they worked out over time, they agreed to find ways to bring novelty and sexual desire back into their relationship (see my article: The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in Your Relationship).

The Benefits of Working Out a Relationship Agreement

Although no agreement can resolve every problem in a relationship, there are advantages to these agreements, including:

• It Sets the Tone For the Relationship: Since both people have worked on it together (as opposed to one person dictating the terms of the agreement), it sets the tone for the relationship.  

• It Creates an Honest Framework: When the written agreement is thorough and both people have agreed to it, there's no reason to wonder how your partner might feel about the issues you both discussed and no reason to hide anything.  There can be honesty and transparency in the relationship.

• It Can Be the Basis For Revisions Over Time: Although both people agree to follow it, a written relationship agreement isn't carved in stone.  Individuals can change.  The relationship can change.  Circumstances can change.  In addition, no matter how thorough an agreement is, there might be new issues that neither person thought about when the agreement was first negotiated.

Relationship Agreements Can't Guarantee the Relationship Will Work Out

Relationship agreements aren't guarantees.

It's possible that one person is more invested in the agreement than the other.  Sometimes this is because one person in the relationship isn't accustomed to conceptualizing and communicating on this level.  

Other times one person agrees to go along with the agreement just to appease the other partner, and they might be ambivalent about having an agreement at all.  But they want to just get it over with or they don't want to appear to be difficult.

In other cases, unfortunately, the person who is going along with it has no intention of following the agreement and they hope their partner won't find out they are continuing to engage in the same old behavior that caused problems in the first place.  This might include an attitude like: What my partner doesn't know won't hurt her (or him).

Having a Relationship Agreement Can Save a Relationship

Although it's not a panacea and one or both people might feel a relationship agreement is too time consuming to work out, in the long run, it's better to have an agreement than not to have one.  

Ideally, it's better to have an agreement before making a commitment to enter into a monogamous relationship and before problems begin.  This can save a lot of heartache in the long run.  But most people don't see a reason to work on an agreement until there are problems.

A relationship agreement allows each person to think about issues they might not have thought about before, to communicate their needs to their partner, and to learn about their partner's needs.

As part of the process, there might be some trial and error as each person gets to live with the established agreement, but a relationship agreement can save a relationship.

Seeking Help in Couples Therapy

Relationship agreements can be tricky for a couple to work out on their own, especially since there are emotional issues at stake and the possibility of hurt or angry feelings as well as emotional triggers related to unresolved trauma.

Couples Therapy Can Help Save Your Relationship

Working with a couples therapist can help to identify each of your needs, understand the underlying emotional issues involved, compromise if necessary, and renegotiate as things change (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?)

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.