Core Erotic Feelings: What Emotions Help You to Get in the Mood For Sex?

In the book, The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay - Techniques and Strategies For Mind-Blowing Sex by Jessica O'Reilly, Ph.D. and Marla Renee Stewart, MA, there is a fascinating chapter about core erotic feelings (CEF), which is the subject of this article (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self and What is Your Erotic Blueprint?).

Discovering Your Core Erotic Feelings

The main author, Dr. O'Reilly, who lives in Canada, is also known for her popular podcast, "Sex With Dr. Jess."  She is a sexologist who promotes healthy and pleasurable sex.  She also appears on television.  

Her theory about core erotic feelings reminds me of the work of sex therapist and researcher Dr. Jack Morin who wrote about core erotic themes and peak sexual experiences in his book, The Erotic Mind (see my articles: Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences and Reviving Your Sex Life With Your Peak Erotic Experiences).

What Are Core Erotic Feelings?

According to Dr. O'Reilly, to get into the mood for sex, it's not just about what you say or do--it's also about how you feel, which are your core erotic feelings (CEF). She indicates that CEF are a prerequisite for getting into the mood for sex.

Everyone is different, so what might be a CEF for you might not be a CEF for others.  When you're able to identify your own and your partner's CEF, you can have an impact on your sexual dynamics.

Dr. O'Reilly posits that your CEF is an essential part of who you are, and although it can change over time, it often remains the same.

According to Dr. O'Reilly, some common CEFs are feeling

• Desirable (this is a common CEF for women)
• Powerful
• Vulnerable
• Happy 
• Confident
• Sexy
• Loved
• Safe
• Stressed
• Challenged
• Playful
• Subjugated
• Serene
• Excited
• Calm
• Comfortable
• Passionate
• Liberated

The CEFs listed above are just a short list.   There are many others.

How Can You Discover Your Core Erotic Feeling (CEF)?

To discover your CEF, it helps if you: 

• Think back to how you felt emotionally during a peak erotic experience
• Spend time thinking and writing about this experience in your private journal, including what made it pleasurable for you and the emotion involved.

• Remember a sexual fantasy that gave you pleasure and remember what emotion you were feeling
• Remember a favorite sexual fantasy.  Ask yourself what makes it especially pleasurable. Spend time writing about it in your private journal and include the emotion involved.

Examples of Peak Erotic Sexual Experiences and the Related Core Erotic Feelings 

The following are common examples of CEFs that illustrate what you can discover about yourself when you think back to pleasurable sexual experiences and fantasies (all the names and identifying information have been changed to protect confidentiality).  

Remember there is no right or wrong answer, and everyone is different in terms of what emotions are involved that get them turned on.

Mary:  

When I got home from a stressful day at work on a Friday night, I was greeted by my husband, who gave me a passionate kiss and handed me a glass of my favorite red wine.  He told me he arranged for our children to spend the weekend with his parents so we could have a sexy, romantic weekend together.  We had not had a weekend to ourselves in months, so I felt myself relaxing as soon as I heard we were alone.  

Discovering Your Core Erotic Feelings

He led me into the bathroom where the tub was filled with my favorite bubble bath.  Then, he slowly undressed me as he kissed me and told me how lucky he felt to have such a sexy wife.  Then, feeling like a queen, I stepped into the sensualness of the bubble bath.  After I soaked for a bit and allowed the tension of the day to dissolve, I asked him to join me, and he did.  This was the beginning of a wonderful romantic, sexy weekend.

• Core Erotic Feeling: Feeling Sexy 

Adie:  

On our one-year anniversary, my partner, Vickie, rented a room in one of our favorite bed and breakfast inns where we had a romantic dinner.  After dinner, we went to our cozy Victorian room, which had a fireplace in the living room and the bedroom.  We cuddled by the fire in the living room and drank champagne to celebrate our anniversary.  

Discovering Your Core Erotic Feelings

Eventually, we made our way to the bedroom where Vickie lit candles and put on my favorite song, a romantic jazzy song by Ella Fitzgerald that we considered "our song" because it was playing the night when we met.  Then, we both got undressed and she gave me one of the best massages I've ever had in my life.  I was so relaxed that I just melted in her arms and we made love.

• Core Erotic Feeling: Feeling Loved

Ted:  

I met my girlfriend, Jane, at our favorite French restaurant in Manhattan.  I had just left a contentious work meeting where my confidence took a hit when the one of my colleagues criticized an idea I proposed at the meeting.  I was still consumed with how deflated and stressed I felt at the meeting when I walked into the restaurant and saw Jane sitting at the bar.  I was afraid I would be so distracted by my work-related worries that I wouldn't be able to enjoy the evening with Jane.  

Discovering Your Core Erotic Feelings

But when I approached her, I saw she looked amazing.  She was wearing a beautiful sexy black dress, and I knew she had gotten dressed up just for me, which made me feel great.  I was about to greet her when she turned to me with a seductive look and said in a low voice, "I've never seen you here before, but I definitely want to get to know you." I realized she wanted to do a sexy role play where we were two strangers who met at a bar.  Before I could say anything, she leaned over and whispered dirty talk into my ear, which really turned me on.  We never got to have dinner that night because we were back home having some of the best sex of our lives 20 minutes later (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?).

• Core Erotic Feelings: Feeling Sexually Desirable and Powerful

Examples of Sexual Fantasies and Core Erotic Feelings (CEF) 

As mentioned previously, you can discover your CEF through your favorite sexual fantasies, as illustrated by the composite examples below (all identifying information removed):

John: 

There's a beautiful waitress in a restaurant close to my apartment.  In reality, she's always friendly but professional.  She's never made a pass at me and I have never flirted with her.  I can barely speak whenever she comes to take my order, and my friends tease me about this.  But in my fantasy, she invites me to see the catering room in the back.  She seems like her usual self--until we're alone in the room.  Then, she's all over me and we end up on the floor having passionate sex.  

• Core Erotic Feelings: Feeling Excited and Confident

Bill:  

There are two attractive gay men who own a men's clothing store in my neighborhood.  They're also in a relationship together. In reality, they have always been helpful and professional.  They have never crossed a sexual boundary with me, but I'm secretly attracted to both of them.  In my fantasy, one of the men comes into the large dressing room where I'm trying on clothes.  No one else is around.  He winks at me and then he kisses me on the mouth.  Soon he's undressing me and we're rolling around the floor.  

Discovering Your Core Erotic Feelings

Suddenly, his lover comes in, discovers us on top of each other and looks angry.  But to my surprise, he says to his partner, "Why wasn't I invited to the party?"  Then, we're all in a heap on the floor rolling all over each other.

• Core Erotic Feelings: Feeling Playful and Excited

What Detracts From Your Core Erotic Feeling (CEF)?

Even if you know what emotions get you turned on, you might have certain experiences or other conflicting emotions that detract from your CEF, including:

• Stress
• Guilt
• Shame
• Anger
• Jealousy
• Envy
• Sleep deprivation
• Hunger
• Unresolved trauma
• Your Roles: An example of this would be a woman with children who has difficulty transitioning from being mother during the day to a sexy woman with her partner at night.  She might need a transitional time to let go of her role as a mother to feel like a sexual being with her partner.

The examples listed above are only a few of the emotions and experiences that can detract from your CEFs. 

What Changes Do You Need to Make to Experience Your Core Erotic Feelings?

Identifying what gets in the way of your CEF is the first step in making the necessary changes.

For example, if you know that stress is a major obstacle in terms of experiencing your CEF, you might need to experiment with different ways to de-stress and transition into a sexual mindset.

There might be limitations to what you can do for certain situations.  For instance, if you have a young child who gets up in the middle of the night and comes into the bedroom where you and your partner are hoping for some privacy to have sex, you might have to get more creative.  

Similar to one of the examples above, if possible, you might ask your parents or your in-laws if your child can occasionally spend the night with them so you and your partner can have privacy.

Exploring Your Partner's Core Erotic Feelings

If you're in a relationship, you can communicate with your partner about what you need to feel emotionally to get turned on.  

You can also be open and get curious about what emotions are involved with your partner getting turned on.  If your partner is open to it, encourage him or her to discover their own CEF by thinking about their peak erotic experiences and sexual fantasies and identifying the emotions involved.

Once you have shared your CEFs with each other, you can have fun finding ways to stimulate these feelings in each other.

Some People Tend to Be in the Mood For Sex Regardless of Their Emotions

There are some people who, regardless of their mood, are ready to have sex at the drop of a hat.  Whether they're happy, sad, angry or stressed out, their emotions don't affect their mood for sex.  These people don't usually need to pay so much attention to their emotions because, when it comes to sex, they're ready.  

For everyone else, knowing what core erotic feelings gets them in the mood helps them to have a better experience and to communicate their needs to their partner(s).

Recommendation: The Sexual Excitement Survey (SES)

In the Appendix of The Erotic Mind by Dr. Morin, there is a Sexual Excitement Survey (SES) that you can take.  

By completing this survey (privately for yourself), you can stimulate ideas about your peak erotic experiences.  

If you have a partner, you and your partner can take the survey and share your results if you feel comfortable.

Part 1 is about your most memorable peak erotic experiences and Part 2 is about your sexual fantasies.

Next Article: 

In my next article, I'll focus on another fascinating chapter in Dr. O'Reilly's book: Elevated Erotic Feelings (see my article: Elevated Erotic Feelings Can Enhance Your Mood For Sex).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you are unable to access your core erotic feelings due to a history of unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has an expertise in trauma therapy as well as sex therapy.  

Freeing yourself from your traumatic history can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

My specialties include sex therapy and trauma therapy (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Advantages of Having a Relationship Agreement When You're in a Monogamous Relationship

In my article, What is an Ethical Non-Monogamous Relationship?, I discussed the advantages of having a relationship agreement that is mutually agreed upon by the individuals in the relationship.  But relationship agreements aren't just for non-traditional relationships.  There are also advantages to having an agreement in a monogamous relationship.

Relationship Agreements For Monogamous Relationships

Although many people enter into monogamous relationships assuming they are both on the same page, this often turns out not to be the case (see my article: Telltale Signs You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page About Your Relationship).

Once they're in a committed relationship, couples often discover that each of them have different ideas about what it means to be monogamous because they haven't talked about it beforehand.

You might say, "But being monogamous means you've made a commitment to be with just one person!  Isn't that obvious?"  I would respond that it's often more complicated than that.  

Let's explore this further below.

People Are Living Longer: Monogamy Forever vs Monogamy For Right Now 

In her book, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, Dr. Esther Perel, relationship and sex therapist, says that, in the past, monogamy used to mean that you were with one person for the rest of your life.

But today people are living much longer than they did in the past, so monogamy often means something different today: For many people it means that they'll be monogamous with one person at a time, the person they're with right now, which might not be for the rest of their life.  

As compared to the past, many people no longer think in terms of a forever relationship because there is a recognition that relationships are more likely to end now than they did in your grandparents' day.  This doesn't mean that no relationship ever lasts.  Obviously, many relationships do last a lifetime, but half of them don't.

I don't think most people enter into a committed relationship or a marriage with the idea that it won't last. But, at the same time, most people know, even if it's way in the back of their minds, that about 50% of first-time marriages end in divorce.  And they know those aren't good odds.

Infidelity Has Increased

According to Kinsey sex researcher and social psychologist, Dr. Justin Lehmiller, about 20-25% of people admit to cheating on their spouse, and the rate is even higher among people who are in a relationship but not married.

There are also more opportunities to cheat on dating apps, including dating apps for people who are married but who want to have affairs. There can be additional cellphones with secret calls, emails and texts.  There are social media sites with messaging that make it convenient to cheat. And so on.

According to Dr. Lehmiller, people give various reasons for cheating on their spouse or significant other, including:

• Sexual desire
• Anger
• Lack of love
• Neglect
• Lack of commitment
• Situational factors, including alcohol or being away on vacation
• Ego/esteem boosting (see my article: Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable)
• A desire for variety

There is No "One-Size Fits All" Standard for Monogamy These Days

While it might have been clear what monogamy meant 40 or 50 years ago, today there are so many factors to take into consideration.  

When two people in a relationship don't discuss what monogamy means to each of them, there are often misunderstandings and hurt feelings when they encounter differences in how they each define monogamy, as we will see below.

Clinical Vignettes: Couples Who Agreed to Be Monogamous Discover They Define Monogamy Differently

The following vignettes are composites of many different cases with all identifying information removed:

Ann and Bill

Ann and Bill were in their early 40s.  Ten years into the marriage, Ann discovered Bill watching pornography one night when she woke up in the middle of the night and went into their living room to see what Bill was doing.  This upset Ann very much because she considered it a violation of their marriage vows.  Bill couldn't understand why Ann was so upset.  To him, watching porn was a meaningless diversion.  Although they argued about it for days, they couldn't reach an agreement.  Ann insisted that Bill seek help in therapy, but he refused.  So, instead they entered into sex therapy as a couple.

Relationship Agreements For Monogamous Relationships

While in sex therapy, they each realized that they had never talked about this issue before and each of them assumed the other was in agreement with him or her.  Ann accused Bill of being a "sex addict" during their sex therapy sessions, and Bill accused Ann of being a "prude."  Over time, they learned in therapy that Bill wasn't a sex addict and Ann wasn't a prude--they just saw things differently.  They were able to work on the underlying issues that were causing problems for them and they eventually reached a compromise.  They also worked on a relationship agreement together and they each had a written copy of it.  The process of working on the agreement helped them to understand each other, avoid problems and it brought them closer together.

Gary and Ina

Gary and Ina dated for two years before they moved in together when Gary's New York City apartment lease was up.  They both agreed to be monogamous.  One day, when he was out with colleagues, Gary went to a local bar and saw Ina having drinks with a very attractive man.  They were sitting close together talking and laughing, which upset Gary. She told Gary earlier in the day that she was having drinks with a colleague, but she never mentioned her colleague was a man and that he was very handsome. Gary was also disturbed to see how close they were sitting and how their body language signaled an intimacy between them. After he calmed himself down, he walked over to Ina and the man she was with and she seemed surprised to see him.  She introduced Gary to Mike and told Gary that she was just about to leave and Mike agreed to drive her home.  

Relationship Agreements For Monogamous Relationships

Later that night, when they were home together, Gary told Ina how upset he was to see her with Mike.  Ina immediately took offense to Gary's words because she felt he was accusing her of cheating.  After many arguments, they entered into couples therapy where they talked about their differences.  Ina admitted that there had been other nights when she and Mike had drinks together, but they kept it strictly platonic. She said she just enjoyed his company.  At first, she didn't see anything wrong with being with Mike.  But over time, Ina realized that, even though she and Mike weren't having sex, they were having an an emotional affair where there was emotional intimacy.  She realized this wasn't healthy for her relationship with Gary. She also realized it could complicate issues at work, so she stopped seeing Mike outside the office.  Eventually, Ina and Gary worked out a written relationship agreement about this issue and other issues, which helped to bring them closer together.

Bob and Joe

Five years into their marriage, Bob realized that Joe was seeing other men for casual sex. He found emails from several men that were sexually explicit with pictures and links to hotels where Joe was meeting them.  This was something they had never talked about before, and Bob now realized that he had avoided the issue before because he was afraid of a verbal confrontation. He wasn't seeing anyone else, but he knew many of his gay male friends who were in relationships were non-monogamous.  Some of them hadn't worked out any agreement about these other relationships. They somewhat knew there were other men, but they didn't discuss it.  Some were in consensual non-monogamous relationships where they worked out an agreement between them.  And others were supposed to be monogamous but they were cheating on each other.  When he worked up the courage to talk to Joe, Bob told him about the emails he found and he expressed his hurt and anger.  

Relationship Agreements For Monogamish Relationships

In response, Joe expressed surprised. He assumed they had a "don't ask, don't tell" agreement where they were basically "monogamish" (monogamish is a term coined by Dan Savage, a gay sex columnist, which means that a couple is committed to each other but they have sex with other people).  Joe said they thought their unspoken agreement was that they could see other people as long as they practiced safe sex and didn't develop an emotional attachment to anyone else.   A few weeks later, they were in couples therapy working out their differences.  Eventually, they worked out a written relationship agreement that they both could live with where they would practice consensual non-monogamy.  They agreed to be each other's primary partner, but they could have occasional sexual affairs with other people as long as everything was above board and out in the open.

Nina and Jill

After dating for two years, Nina and Jill decided to move in together.  They planned to get married in a year.  One day Nina met Jill at a local lesbian bar in Manhattan where Jill often met friends.  As soon as she arrived, Nina saw Jill dancing and flirting with another woman.  When the dance was over, Nina asked Jill to step outside to talk and she told Jill how upset she was to see her flirting with another woman.  Jill responded defensively.  She couldn't understand why Nina was upset because she considered flirting to be harmless.  She said she enjoyed flirting because it was an ego boost for her and for the other person.  Nina told her she considered flirting to be cheating or, at the very least, micro-cheating, and she wasn't going to stand for it.  Soon after that, they went home and they had a big argument.  

Relationship Agreements For Monogamous Couples

In the heat of the moment, Nina told Jill she wasn't sure she wanted to get married to someone who was going to flirt with other people.  Jill was hurt when she heard this and she responded by saying she wasn't sure she wanted to marry someone who was so petty and jealous.  

A few weeks later, when they couldn't work things out on their own, they sought help in couples therapy.  Being able to talk things out in an emotionally safe environment helped each of them to open up.  They soon realized they had never discussed this issue before.  Although each of them thought their opinion was the "correct" one, they also wanted to come to a mutual agreement.  

Over time, Jill realized that even though she had no intention of developing a sexual or emotional relationship with anyone else, she enjoyed the variety she experienced when she flirted with other women.  She also liked feeling desirable when other women responded by flirting back. In addition, she said, with some hesitation, she and Nina had not had sex in several months, and she felt neglected. But since she knew it was hurtful to Nina, Jill agreed to stop flirting.  And, as part of their written relationship agreement, which they worked out over time, they agreed to find ways to bring novelty and sexual desire back into their relationship (see my article: The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in Your Relationship).

The Benefits of Working Out a Relationship Agreement

Although no agreement can resolve every problem in a relationship, there are advantages to these agreements, including:

• It Sets the Tone For the Relationship: Since both people have worked on it together (as opposed to one person dictating the terms of the agreement), it sets the tone for the relationship.  

• It Creates an Honest Framework: When the written agreement is thorough and both people have agreed to it, there's no reason to wonder how your partner might feel about the issues you both discussed and no reason to hide anything.  There can be honesty and transparency in the relationship.

• It Can Be the Basis For Revisions Over Time: Although both people agree to follow it, a written relationship agreement isn't carved in stone.  Individuals can change.  The relationship can change.  Circumstances can change.  In addition, no matter how thorough an agreement is, there might be new issues that neither person thought about when the agreement was first negotiated.

Relationship Agreements Can't Guarantee the Relationship Will Work Out

Relationship agreements aren't guarantees.

It's possible that one person is more invested in the agreement than the other.  Sometimes this is because one person in the relationship isn't accustomed to conceptualizing and communicating on this level.  

Other times one person agrees to go along with the agreement just to appease the other partner, and they might be ambivalent about having an agreement at all.  But they want to just get it over with or they don't want to appear to be difficult.

In other cases, unfortunately, the person who is going along with it has no intention of following the agreement and they hope their partner won't find out they are continuing to engage in the same old behavior that caused problems in the first place.  This might include an attitude like: What my partner doesn't know won't hurt her (or him).

Having a Relationship Agreement Can Save a Relationship

Although it's not a panacea and one or both people might feel a relationship agreement is too time consuming to work out, in the long run, it's better to have an agreement than not to have one.  

Ideally, it's better to have an agreement before making a commitment to enter into a monogamous relationship and before problems begin.  This can save a lot of heartache in the long run.  But most people don't see a reason to work on an agreement until there are problems.

A relationship agreement allows each person to think about issues they might not have thought about before, to communicate their needs to their partner, and to learn about their partner's needs.

As part of the process, there might be some trial and error as each person gets to live with the established agreement, but a relationship agreement can save a relationship.

Seeking Help in Couples Therapy

Relationship agreements can be tricky for a couple to work out on their own, especially since there are emotional issues at stake and the possibility of hurt or angry feelings as well as emotional triggers related to unresolved trauma.

Couples Therapy Can Help Save Your Relationship

Working with a couples therapist can help to identify each of your needs, understand the underlying emotional issues involved, compromise if necessary, and renegotiate as things change (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?)

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Your Sexual Orientation and Erotic Orientation Don't Always Match and That's Normal

Many people confuse sexual orientation and erotic orientation, but there's a difference: Whereas your sexual orientation is about how you identify yourself (e.g., gay, lesbian, heterosexual, bisexual, transgender, asexual and so on), your erotic orientation is about what turns you on sexually, including your sexual fantasies.

Sexual vs Erotic Orientation: Heterosexual People Can Have Same-Sex Fantasies

Your Sexual Orientation and Erotic Orientation Don't Always Match and That's Normal

You might think that people's erotic orientation would always be in synch with their sexual orientation, but Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a sex researcher and social psychologist, discovered that this isn't always the case.  Sexual orientation and erotic orientation don't aways match.

Dr. Lehmiller surveyed about 4,000 people about their sexual fantasies, and he published his findings in his book, Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How it Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life.  

His findings revealed that sexual and erotic orientations aren't always in synch.  For instance, 59% of heterosexual women indicated that they have sexual fantasies about other women, and 26% of heterosexual men had sexual fantasies about other men (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules).

The heterosexual women and men who have same-sex fantasies aren't any less heterosexual than other straight people who don't have these fantasies.  It's just means people are turned on by different things and "different" doesn't mean "bad," "wrong" or "abnormal."  It's just different and it's normal.

It's also true that although these people might enjoy these sexual fantasies, they might not ever want to act on them in real life.  They might just want to keep them as fantasies.  But if they wanted to act on them, that would be normal too.

In his book, The Erotic Mind, Dr. Jack Morin discusses core erotic themes and peak erotic experiences (see my articles:  What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?, Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences and The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement).

He recognized that many people experience emotional conflict about the difference between their sexual and erotic orientations and, instead of accepting these differences, they feel ashamed.

Dr. Joe Kort, who is the founder and clinical director of the Center for Relationship and Sexual Health in Michigan, also recognizes that many people are afraid of their erotic orientation due to this mismatch and part of the work of a sex therapist is to help these individuals to stop feeling ashamed because this is normal.

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes, which are composites with all identifying information removed, illustrates how sexual and erotic orientations can be different and how people can overcome their shame about these differences:

Sam

Although he identified as a heterosexual man and he only ever wanted to date women, Sam was turned on by gay porn.  He kept this a secret for most of his life but, inwardly, he worried about it.  He wondered what it meant about him: Was he really gay and he didn't know it?  This is what brought him into sex therapy.  After he told his sex therapist about being turned on by gay male porn, he felt relieved to tell someone.

Sex Therapy Can Help to Relieve Your Shame About Your Sexual Fantasies

In sex therapy, Sam learned that many heterosexual men were turned on by gay male porn and they, like him, had no desire to have sex with men in real life.  Over time, he learned that the difference between his sexual and erotic orientations was normal, and he stopped worrying about it. 

Betty

Ever since she was a teenager, Betty, who identified as a heterosexual woman, had sexual fantasies about women.  She was so ashamed and confused by these fantasies that she didn't dare to tell anyone--not even her best friend, Alice.  Then, one day, Alice mentioned to Betty that she was sexually attracted to Sara, who was a mutual acquaintance.  Alice admitted to Betty that she often imagined herself having sex with Sara and that this excited her, but she had no intention of following through with her fantasy because she identified as a heterosexual woman and she only wanted to be with men in real life. 

Sexual vs Erotic Orientation: Straight People Can Have Same-Sex Fantasies

When Betty heard this, she was surprised and she admitted to Alice that she also had sexual fantasies about women sometimes--even though she identified as heterosexual.  When Betty and Alice read in Dr. Justin Lehmiller's book that 59% of heterosexual women had same-sex fantasies, they were relieved to know that their experiences were common and normal.

Conclusion

Sexual orientation and erotic orientation don't always match--and that's normal.

Knowing that your experience isn't unusual can help you to realize there's nothing wrong with you and there's no reason for you to feel ashamed.

If the difference between your sexual and erotic orientations is a source of stress and shame for you, you could benefit from working with a sex therapist who has experience helping clients with this issue.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Fetishization of Lesbians and Bisexual Women is a Social Justice Issue

Fetishization is defined as the act of making someone an object of sexual desire based on some aspect of their identity.  With regard to lesbians and bisexual women in particular, fetishization means objectifying these women and seeing them as existing soley for the sexual pleasure of heterosexual men.  

The Fetishization of Lesbians and Bisexual Women is a Social Justice Issue

Mainstream Pornography Distorts Lesbian and Bisexual Relationships

With fetishization, there is no regard for actual lesbian and bisexual relationships with women--actual relationships as opposed to the distortions portrayed in mainstream pornography where these relationships exist only for the male gaze (see my article:  What is the Difference Between Ethical Pornography and Mainstream Porn?).

Acceptance or Fetishization of Lesbians and Bisexual Women?

Although many believe there is greater acceptance for lesbians and bisexual women these days, it's important to distinguish acceptance from fetishization.  

Instead of being accepted, these women are often objectified and viewed as being on display for the sexual enjoyment of heterosexual men. 

Acceptance or Fetishization of Lesbians and Bisexual Women?

Lesbians, in particular, are often seen as a sexual challenge by many men. These men fantasize about "converting" these women into heterosexuals.  

Alternatively, many men would like to believe that lesbians would find them so irresistible that they would make an "exception" to have sex with them. These men want to believe they would be special, above all other men, in the eyes of a lesbian.

In these instances, it's all about male sexual conquest or "scoring" with lesbians.  

Related to this is the distorted perception that if these women were to experience "a real dick," they would have a sexual awakening and convert to heterosexuality.

Bisexual Women as "Unicorns" to Be Sought Out by "Unicorn Hunters"

There is a particular type of fetishization of bisexual women among men who seek out bisexual women for threesomes.  

The term "unicorn" implies that bisexual women, who participate in these threesomes (female-male-female or FMF), are hard to find, and the men who try to find them are referred to as "unicorn hunters."

There is nothing wrong with bisexual women who willingly consent to be part of a threesome with a heterosexual couple.  There is no harm if no one is being manipulated or exploited among consenting adults.

The problem comes in when heterosexual men see all bisexual women as existing only for their sexual pleasure or when bisexual women are pressured into threesomes or denigrated for not participating in threesomes.  

Similarly, some men seek out bisexual women for their "bi-curious" girlfriend so these men can gawk at their girlfriend having sex with a woman.  

Once again, if everyone is enthusiastically consenting to these sexual activities and no one is being abused, there isn't a problem among consenting adults. 

The problem comes in when all bisexual women are viewed as existing only for this purpose and they're not seen as existing in their own right.

Some bisexual women are tricked, manipulated or misled into engaging in these sexual activities by the "unicorn hunter."  

Sometimes these men lead bisexual women to believe that sex will only be between the two of them (the man and the bisexual woman) but it's really a setup to get her to be part of a threesome.  

Even worse: When men use alcohol or drugs to sexually manipulate, abuse and exploit women.

Once again, to clarify: Manipulating bisexual women into threesomes is very different from being a consensual member of a polyamorous triad or throuple, which are relationships among three consenting adults (more about this in a future article).

The Objectification of Lesbians and Bisexual Women is a Social Justice Issue

Objectification means treating someone like an object who is devoid of their own subjectivity with regard to their thoughts, feelings and behavior.  This is a social justice issue for everyone.

Objectification of any woman means reducing her to an object or body part who exists for the sexual gratification of heterosexual men.  

Similarly, when lesbians and bisexual women are seen as hypersexualized beings, this perpetuates a dangerous stereotype.  This form of dehumanization can, and often does, lead to violence against women.  

The Need For a Major Overhaul of the Sex Education System in the US

There is an urgent need for a major overhaul of the sex education system in the United States.  

Where sex education exists at all the emphasis is usually on prevention of sexually transmitted disease and pregnancy.  

There is little to no education about sexual pleasure which is an important part of sex between consenting adults.

Similarly, there is little to no education about the harmful effects of objectifying women in mainstream pornography and other media.  This is an important issue because this is how many teens and young adults get information and form their views of sex in the absence of comprehensive sex education.

Abstinence-based sex education advises teens and young adults to wait until they're married to have sex.  However, with no guidance from sex education, how are these adults supposed to take the leap from thinking sex is wrong or sinful to having a healthy sexual relationship when they get married?  There needs to be comprehensive sex education to fill this void.

Raising Awareness of the Fetishization of Lesbians and Bisexual Women

Although more people--both women and men--are speaking out against the objectification of lesbians and bisexual women, their attempts are a mere drop in the ocean compared to the pervasive negative stereotypes in mainstream porn and other media.

Raising awareness starts with each individual reflecting on their own personal views and choices with regard to women--whether these women are their partners, sisters, nieces, granddaughters or strangers to them.  

In doing so, they can learn to respect women and also respect themselves.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Ethical Pornography?

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Sexual Health: What is Arousal Non-Concordance?

Most people don't understand the concept of arousal non-concordance because they never learned about it in sex education class, so I want to clarify this concept in the current article because it's the source of many problems in relationships (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Sexual Brakes).

What is Arousal Non-Concordance?

What is the Difference Between Arousal Concordance and Arousal NonConcordance?

Arousal concordance means that emotional, physical and mental sexual arousal are in synch so a person feels emotionally, mentally and physically aroused at the same time.

Arousal non-concordance is a term often used in sex therapy to describe a common experience: A person is feeling physically but not mentally or emotionally turned on or feeling mentally and emotionally turned on but not reacting in the same way physically.  So one or more aspects are out of synch.

What is Arousal Non-Concordance?

For example, a woman could be mentally and emotionally turned on, but she doesn't experience vaginal lubrication, as described in the clinical vignette below. 

Or, she could experience vaginal lubrication, but she's not mentally or emotionally turned on and she's not interested in having sex.

Similarly, a man could experience arousal non-concordance when he has an erection, but he is not mentally or emotionally aroused and so on.

Physical Arousal is Not the Same as Consent

Since it's possible to experience physical arousal but not emotional or mental arousal, the only thing that counts with regard to sexual activity is verbal consent (see my article: What You Can Learn From the Kink Community About Consent).

Physical Arousal is Not the Same as Consent: No Means No

This is significant because men often assume that if a woman is physically aroused, it automatically means she wants to have sex.

There have been rape cases where the woman's physical arousal has been used against her in court to defend a rapist--even though the woman was clearly saying to him when he forced himself on her and she was trying to fight him off.  

No means no.

In addition, if there isn't clear verbal consent, consent should not be assumed.

A Clinical Vignette About Arousal Non-Concordance:

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Mary and Bob

Mary and Bob were married for 23 years when they sought help in sex therapy because they were having sexual problems.

According to Bob, he felt discouraged about their sex life because, even though Mary would tell him that she was in the mood to have sex, he detected that she wasn't experiencing vaginal lubrication.

Bob said he believed Mary told him she felt sexually aroused just to appease him, which made him feel awful.  

He had a hard time believing she was turned on when she didn't get wet.  So, he stopped initiating sex and when Mary tried to initiate sex with him, he told her he wasn't in the mood because each time she didn't appear to be physically aroused, he felt he was being rejected.

When it was Mary's turn to speak, she told their sex therapist that she loved Bob very much, she still found him to be attractive and she was turned on by him.  She said she tried to explain to Bob that, since she was postmenopausal, she had difficulty getting wet the way she naturally did before menopause.  She wanted to use a lubricant, but Bob refused because he felt she was no longer sexually turned on by him.

After their sex therapist explained the concept of arousal nonconcordance and that this was a common experience, Bob was surprised and he finally believed Mary.

Subsequently, he felt better about Mary using lubrication to make sexual intercourse easier.  From then on, with assistance from their sex therapist, their sex life improved and they were happier in their relationship.

Conclusion

Arousal concordance is easier for most people to understand because it's how they normally think sex should be--everything aligns physically, emotionally and mentally.

What is Arousal Non-Concordance?

Arousal non-concordance can occur for many reasons.  Some people desire sex mentally and emotionally before they get physically aroused.  But once they begin to have sex, they also get physically aroused.  This is true for most women (85%) and some men (25%) according to the latest sex research.

There can be many other reasons why the physical, emotional and mental arousal don't align.  For example, as in the vignette above, a woman might not lubricate naturally--even though she is emotionally and mentally aroused.  

Nonconcordance can also occur for men, as mentioned above.

Communication is key.  Rather than rely on the physical signs of sexual arousal, ask your partner and be aware that if there is arousal nonconcordance, you should rely on your partner's word rather than assume you know how your partner is feeling.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.