Are You Holding Back Emotionally in Your Relationship?

After experiencing heartbreak, disappointment or betrayal, many people are afraid or ambivalent about making a commitment in a new relationship.  Instead. they hold back emotionally so they don't allow themselves to be fully in the relationship.  Emotional vulnerability is scary for them.  This can cause problems if the partner is ready to make a commitment (see my articles: Are You Dating Someone Who Has Problems Making a Commitment? and An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

Are You Holding Back Emotionally in Your Relationship

People Who Are in Denial About Holding Back Often Make Excuses to Themselves and Others

People who hold back emotionally often don't realize what they're doing.  They're often in denial because they don't want to see themselves as being emotionally withholding with their partner, so they make up "reasons" for their behavior, including:

• They "Don't Like Labels:" The idea of "no labels" between two people allows each person a lot of latitude, especially if both people agree that they won't put a label on who they are to each other.  But it can also cause confusion and misunderstandings: Are you dating? In a relationship? Friends with benefits? Polyamorous?  Even if both people agree to "no labels," one or both people often have unspoken expectations that don't match up.  Unless it's a short term affair, it's unusual for two people to sustain "no labels" indefinitely.

• They Want to Keep Their Options Open: Some people don't want to commit because they're afraid of missing out on being with someone new, someone better looking or "better" in some other way.  They're not done playing the field--they want to hold onto the main person they're seeing and continue to keep their options open for other people.  Or, they have one primary person and then several other people "on the side."

• They're Too Busy People Pleasing in a Superficial Way: They're not sure how they feel because they tend to put the other person's feelings first. Rather than focus on what they want, they focus on what the other person wants or, at least, give lip service to it.  Often, they will tell the other person what s/he wants to hear, but there's no substance to it.  

• They Prefer Shallow Relationships: People who prefer shallow relationships hold back their emotions because they don't want anything that's emotionally intimate.  Making an emotional commitment or even having a deep conversation is frightening to them.  Instead of "making love," they're "having sex" so it's mostly physical for them.

• They Have One Foot Out the Door At All Times and They Know All the Escape Routes: Instead of making a commitment, they already have one foot out the door, which is why they never get emotionally invested.  They never introduce the person they're seeing to their family or close friends.  They might be reluctant to move in together, and there's no talk of deepening the relationship.  They might initiate an argument or try to provoke the other person into leaving them so they don't feel guilty about the relationship ending.

• People Who Are Aware They're Holding Back Were Often Hurt in Prior Relationships: After several experiences of getting hurt in prior relationships. these people are often too afraid to take an emotional risk again. They're often ambivalent about making a commitment.  On the one hand, they want to love and feel loved, but they dread getting hurt.  They might vacillate back and forth trying to deal with their ambivalence. At times, it might appear that they'll make a commitment and then it's like a switch gets turned off and then they're unwilling to make the commitment.  This is usually painful for both people involved.

The Person Who Holds Back is Often With the Person Who is a "Fixer"

Whether you're the person who is having a problem making a commitment or you're in a relationship with someone who can't make a commitment, you're in a painful place.

Over time, to a greater or lesser degree, most people want a stable relationship.  For people who are holding back, their fears keep them stuck.  

People, who want a committed "forever" relationship and who remain with someone who is unable to make a commitment, focus on trying to "fix" or manipulate the other person to get what they want.  They don't want to see that the other person can't or won't give them what they want, so they continue to try to manipulate the situation to try to get what they want.  If and when they realize that they were wasting their time, they feel a lot of anger and resentment.

Getting Help in Therapy

Whether you're the person holding back or the person who is trying to "fix" the person who is holding back, you're in a painful place.

In either case, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist to help you understand and overcome the underlying issues that keep you stuck.

Rather than continuing to engage in patterns that keep you stuck, get help so you can overcome the obstacles that keep you stuck and you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am providing online therapy while I'm out of my office.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 724-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Emotional Triggers

Emotional triggers spark intense emotional reactions. They're usually associated with prior unresolved trauma. The emotional reaction might be fear, panic, anxiety, anger, sadness or any other unpleasant emotion (see my article: Reacting in the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

Coping With Emotional Triggers

The emotional trigger might be a memory, a song, something someone said to you, an event or any other experience (see my article: How Unresolved Childhood Trauma Gets Triggered in You as an Adult).

Regardless of the mood you're in at the time, a trigger can change your mood in an instant, so it's important to learn how to identify, cope and, eventually work towards overcoming triggers.

How Do You Identify Your Emotional Triggers?

Triggers are different for everyone, so each person has their own individual response to them.  Knowing how to identify your triggers can help you to cope.

Common Triggers include:

• betrayal
  
• rejection
• feeling unwanted or invisible (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible)
• feeling ignored
• feeling unlovable (see my article: Overcoming the Pain of Feeling Unlovable)
• feeling helpless or powerless
• loss of control
• criticism from others or your own inner critic (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic )
• feeling insecure
• loss of independence
• having your beliefs challenged
• unjust treatment

Listen to Your Body

Knowing about the mind-body connection can help you to deal with triggers (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Your Body Offers a Window into Your Unconscious Mind).  Physical reactions can include:

• racing heart
• panicky feeling
• sweating
• feeling shaky or dizzy
• nausea
• headache
• jaw clinching
• hands clinching
• tingling feeling
• fight/flight/freeze reactions

Take a Step Back

Emotional triggers happen in an instant, so once you realize you're triggered, it's important to take a step back before you react (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting);

• Get curious
• Ask yourself what just happened to trigger you.
• Ask yourself when in the past you felt this way.
• Ask yourself if your reaction to the present situation is out of proportion to what's happening now.
• Ask yourself how much of your reaction is related to the past?

Calm Yourself

Once you've taken a step back, make a conscious effort to calm yourself:

• Breathe (see my article: Learning to Calm Yourself: Square Breathing)
• Journal about your experience (see my article: Journal Writing Can Help Relieve Stress and Anxiety)
• Talk to a trusted friend or mentor

Getting Help in Therapy

If you find that you're getting emotionally triggered often, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in helping clients to overcome emotional triggers related to unresolved trauma.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to get to the problem so you no longer get triggered (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome their trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How An Avoidant Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life - Part 2

In Part 1 of this discussion on avoidant attachment style and sex, I described how this attachment style can affect your sex life. In this article, I'm providing a clinical vignette as an illustration of what I discussed in Part 1.

How An Avoidant Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life

Attachment styles develop early in childhood (see my article: How Early Attachment Bonds Affect Adult Relationships).

An avoidant attachment style is one of three insecure attachment styles: anxious, avoidant and disorganized (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style?).

As I mentioned in a previous article, unless you work in therapy to overcome the issues that caused you to develop an insecure attachment style, your attachment style will continue to impact you in your adult relationships, especially in romantic relationships (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Adult Relationships).

As I mentioned in Part 1, if you have an avoidant attachment style, some or all of the following characteristics might apply to you. You might:

• Have a discomfort with sexual activities that involve emotional closeness, like cuddling, hugging or so on.

• Not enjoy foreplay.

• Prefer casual, uncommitted relationships with emotionless sex (e.g, hook ups).

• Have sexual affairs outside of your relationship.

• Use sex mostly as a way to reduce stress and anxiety.

• Use sex as a way to gain status among your peers (e.g., bragging about how many people you slept with, and so on).

• Have fantasies about having sex with other people (other than your partner) as a way to emotionally distance yourself from your partner.

• Have a hard time relating to a partner who likes to feel emotionally close during sex.  This is especially problematic if your partner is someone who has an anxious attachment style and needs to feel emotionally close during sex.

• Be dismissive of your partner's need for emotional intimacy (see my article: What is the Difference Between Emotional and Sexual Intimacy?).

• Prefer relationships where there are few emotional demands being made on you.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Joe

Joe, who was 38 years old, sought help in therapy because his girlfriend was complaining that she was unhappy with how "cold" he was toward her when they had sex.  She liked to cuddle, hug and be hugged, but he usually pushed her away because these affectionate gestures made him feel uncomfortable.

Initially, Joe told his therapist that he didn't think he needed to be in therapy. He said therapy was for "weak people." He explained he was mostly coming to appease his girlfriend, someone he thought of as being "needy" (see my article:  Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

But as Joe continued with his therapy sessions and his therapist explained attachment styles to him, he got curious as to how all of this might apply to him.   

When Joe talked about his family background, he explained that his parents wanted him to be "independent" as a young child.  Also, as a child, he didn't want to be a "burden" to them (see my article: Seeing Yourself as Independent vs Experiencing Shame For Feeling Like a Burden).

He said they were usually preoccupied with their own problems, and they expected him to be able to solve his problems without their help.

When he started elementary school at age 5, he was small for his age and some of the bigger children in his class would bully him after school.  They would taunt him, call him names like "Shorty," and push him around.  Whenever this happened, he didn't know how to defend himself.

One day when he came home from school in tears, he told his mother that he was being bullied and she responded, "Stop being a crybaby! If they push you, defend yourself--push them back."  Then, when his father came home, his father told him, "Don't be weak! We can't fight your battles for you! You have to learn to take care of yourself."

Joe felt too ashamed to tell his parents that he didn't know how to defend himself.  On top of that, he felt ashamed for coming home tearful and being "weak." So, he learned to hide his more vulnerable feelings from other people and, eventually, without even realizing it, he learned to suppress his "negative" feelings altogether.

He also told his therapist that his parents didn't believe in "spoiling" children with hugs and expressions of affection, so he never experienced this with his parents. But as soon as Joe said this, he became defensive and said, "My parents were good parents.  They knew what was best for me."

It took a while in therapy before Joe could let go of his defensiveness to see that he was emotionally neglected at home and that his parents grew up under similar circumstances, which is why they didn't know how to express affection towards him or even with each other (see my articles: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect? and Adults Who Were Emotionally Neglected as Children Often Have a Problem Trusting Others).

Over time, Joe could see how his childhood experiences at home caused him to develop an avoidant attachment style and how that attachment style affected his relationship with his girlfriend.

He grieved in therapy for the emotional neglect he experienced as a child. He and his therapist also used EMDR therapy to process the trauma related to these experiences (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain and EMDR Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Although, initially, Joe believed he was in therapy to appease his girlfriend, after a while, he realized and appreciated that he needed it for himself.  This allowed him to be curious and more psychologically minded (see my article: Starting Therapy: Developing a Sense of Psychological Mindedness).

The more he processed his trauma with EMDR, the more open he became to his own emotional vulnerability, which allowed him to be more openly affectionate and loving towards his girlfriend (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Intimacy).

Getting Help in Therapy

To get to the root of your avoidant attachment style, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist who has the expertise to help you overcome your childhood trauma where your attachment style first developed.

EMDR therapy as well as other trauma therapies, like Somatic Experiencing, AEDP, clinical hypnosis and Ego States work are all therapies that can help you to overcome trauma.

Rather than continuing to engage in the same destructive behavior patterns based on your avoidant attachment style, seek help so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist).

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

How An Avoidant Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life - Part 1

In my prior articles, I focused on how an anxious attachment style can affect your sex life (see my articles: How An Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life - Part 1 and Part 2). 

In this article, my focus is on the avoidant attachment style (see my articles: How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships and Understanding How An Avoidant Attachment Style Affects You and Your Relationship).

How an Avoidant Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life

The 3 Insecure Attachment Styles

As I mentioned in my prior article, there are three insecure attachment styles:

• Anxious
• Avoidant
• Disorganized

Most people who have an insecure attachment style are either anxious or avoidant (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style? and How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Characteristics of the Avoidant Attachment Style:

If you have an avoidant attachment style, you might have some or all of the following characteristics:

• You might have a discomfort with sexual activities that involve emotional closeness, like cuddling, hugging or so on.

• Similar to the above, you might not enjoy foreplay.

• You might prefer casual, uncommitted relationships with emotionless sex (e.g, hook ups).

• You might have sexual affairs outside of your relationship.

• You might use sex mostly as a way to reduce stress and anxiety.

• You might use sex as a way to gain status among your peers (e.g., bragging about how many people you slept with, and so on).

• You might have fantasies about having sex with other people (other than your partner) as a way to emotionally distance yourself from your partner.

• You probably have a hard time relating to a partner who likes to feel emotionally close during sex.  This is especially problematic if your partner is someone who has an anxious attachment style and needs to feel emotionally close during sex.

• You tend to be dismissive of your partner's need for emotional intimacy (see my article: What is the Difference Between Sexual and Emotional Intimacy?).

• You tend to prefer relationships where there are few emotional demands being made on you.

People with an avoidant attachment style were often raised in a household where their emotional needs were dismissed because of the primary caregiver's own discomfort with emotional closeness.  This is how an avoidant attachment style continues from one generation to the next.

Adults with an avoidant attachment style have problems trusting and relying on their romantic partner.  This is often due to their early experiences in childhood of being forced to rely on themselves (and not their primary caregivers) for their own emotional well-being, which is traumatic for a child (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect? and Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

In my next article, I'll provide a clinical vignette to illustrate how these dynamics play out sexually: How An Avoidant Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life - Part 2.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you identify with some or all of the characteristics mentioned above, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with individuals with an avoidant attachment style.

With help from a skilled psychotherapist, you can learn to overcome these problems so you can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

How An Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life - Part 2

In Part 1 of this series on attachment styles and sex, I described the anxious attachment style and how it can affect your sex life.  In this article, I'm providing a clinical vignette as an illustration. 

How an Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life

What is an Anxious Attachment Style?

Attachment styles develop early in childhood (see my article: How Early Attachment Bonds Affect Adult Relationships).

An anxious attachment style is one of three insecure attachment styles: anxious, avoidant and disorganized (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style?).

Unless you work in therapy to overcome the issues that caused you to develop an insecure attachment style, your attachment style will continue to impact you in your adult relationships, especially in romantic relationships (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

As I mentioned in Part 1, if you have an anxious attachment style, some or all of the following characteristics might apply to you. You might:

• Use sex to get approval
• Fall in love easily
• Mistrust romantic partners
• Feel anxiously insecure
• Worry about what others think about you
• Become preoccupied or even obsessive about your romantic partner
• Have a very strong desire to be physically close to your partner due to your insecurity
• Tend to feel dissatisfied with your partner and you can be difficult to please
• Feel misunderstood by your partner
• Feel unappreciated by your partner
• Be clingy
• Be dependent
• Demand a lot of attention and care
• Have a strong fear of rejection
• Be extremely jealous if your partner doesn't spend as much time with you as you would like
• Engage in mate guarding (see my article: Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding)
• Be overly worried about your appearance and might need a lot of reassurance that you're attractive

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Sara

Two months after her breakup with Steve, Sara took her best friend's advice and started therapy (see my article: How to Recommend Psychotherapy to a Friend).

Sara, who was in her late 30s, attended therapy a few times before, but she left prematurely after a few sessions each time (before completing the work) whenever she got into a new relationship (see my article: When Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely).  

During her initial consultation, Sara told her new therapist that she would make a commitment to complete the work this time.  She recognized, in hindsight, how she engaged in the same destructive behavior in each relationship, including her last one with Steve, and she didn't want to keep repeating the same behavior.

She told her therapist that she had read books and articles written for the general public about attachment styles, and she recognized that she had an anxious attachment style since childhood.  

Sara grew up with a lot of uncertainty and chaos with a mother who was an active alcoholic and a father who was a gambler, so she understood the origin of her problems.  She just didn't know what to do to change it.

Sara described her behavior with Steve as being clingy, dependent and irrationally jealous when she had no reason to be.  She knew that Steve tried to be patient with her, but when they argued, she would become especially anxious because she feared he would leave her.  

At those times, she would use sex to lure him back--even when she didn't want to have sex.  She would also pretend to have an orgasm even when he didn't take the time to get her sexually aroused (see my articles: What is Good Sex?, What is the Orgasm Gap? and Rethinking Foreplay as Just a Prelude to Sexual Intercourse).

After six months, Steve told her that her emotional insecurities were a turn-off to him, and he broke up with her. When her usual strategy of trying to lure him back with sex didn't work, she knew it was over.

Although Sara was looking for a "quick fix" to her problems, her therapist told her that trying to change an anxious/insecure attachment style would involve a lot of work in therapy, including working through her traumatic childhood and learning new ways of relating in her romantic relationships (see my article: How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships).

For the next several months, her therapist used EMDR therapy to help Sara overcome her childhood trauma.  Sara was able to grieve her losses and she understood why she developed an anxious/insecure attachment style.

During that time, she also began dating again.  At first, she continued to worry about what her dates thought of her.  She was overly worried about her appearance and needing a lot of reassurance from the men she dated, which was off putting to the men she dated and ended things by the second date.

But as Sara completed EMDR therapy, she felt herself letting go of the past. She remembered how awful and chaotic her childhood had been, but she no longer felt affected by it (see my article: EMDR Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Working Through Trauma in Therapy

After a year, Sara felt more confident when she was dating.  She no longer felt anxious and insecure, and she finally felt free of her childhood history of trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy

To get to the root of your anxious attachment style, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist who has the expertise to help you overcome your childhood trauma where your attachment style first developed.

EMDR therapy as well as other trauma therapies, like Somatic Experiencing, AEDP, clinical hypnosis and Ego States work are all therapies that can help you to overcome trauma.

Rather than continuing to engage in the same destructive behavior patterns based on your anxious attachment style, seek help so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

How An Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life: Part 1

This is the first article in a series on how your attachment style affects your sex life. In the current article, I'm focusing on anxious attachment, which is one of the insecure attachment styles (see my articles: How Early Attachment Bonds Affect Adult Relationships, What is Your Attachment Style? and How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

The Anxious Attachment Style

Each attachment style has its own characteristics.  

How Your Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life

If you have an anxious attachment style, you probably:

• Use sex to get approval
• Fall in love easily
• Tend to mistrust romantic partners

In addition, if you have an anxious attachment style, you:

• Feel anxiously insecure
• Worry about what others think about you
• Become preoccupied or even obsessive about your romantic partner
• Have a very strong desire to be physically close to your partner due to your insecurity

With regard to your overall satisfaction with your relationship, you:

• Tend to feel dissatisfied with your partner and you can be difficult to please
• Feel misunderstood by your partner
• Feel unappreciated by your partner

Similar to many people with an anxious attachment style, you might:

• Be clingy
• Be dependent
• Demand a lot of attention and care
• Have a strong fear of rejection
• Be extremely jealous if your partner doesn't spend as much time with you as you would like
• Engage in mate guarding (see my article: Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding)
• Be overly worried about your appearance and might need a lot of reassurance that you're attractive

How Anxious Attachment Affects Your Sex Life:

If you have an anxious attachment style, you probably engage in some or all of the following behaviors:

• Engage in Sexual Activity, Even When You Don't Want To: You do this because you think it will prevent your partner from abandoning you. This includes becoming sexually active an at earlier age than most other adolescents--not because you want to--but because you feel you have to in order to hold onto someone you're interested in.  This often means you did things you didn't really want to do sexually.

• Use Sex to Get Your Partner's Attention: This includes attempts to get your partner to be attentive and show s/he cares about you.  Sometimes, this takes the form of manipulative behavior.

• Use Sex to Try to Get Close and Seek Approval: You engage in seductive behavior to get your partner to be close to you and to get his or her approval.

• Have a Negative Perception of Your Sexual Experiences: Due to your insecurity, you have a negative view of yourself and your sexual experiences.

• Have Self Doubt and Low Opinion of Your Attractiveness: You need your partner to constantly reassure you that you look good because of your low self esteem.

• Have Emotional Lability: You have emotional ups and downs based on how insecure you might be feeling.

In my next article, I'll provide a clinical example to illustrate how an anxious attachment style affects your sex life: How Your Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life - Part 2.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you identify with the characteristics described in this article, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with anxiously attached clients.

Rather than struggling alone, seek help so you can have a more satisfying life.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

What Can You Do If Your Partner Isn't Ready to Attend Couples Therapy?

In my prior article, I discussed how Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples can help a couple overcome problems in their relationship.  But what if your spouse or partner isn't ready to attend couples therapy? This is a common problem for many couples, and it's the topic of this article.

What If Your Partner Isn't Ready to Attend Couples Therapy?

Relationship Problems

Every relationship has its ups and downs.  

Many relationship problems, if they're not serious, can be resolved by the couple or, even if they're not resolved per se, the couple learns to deal with them without assistance. 

If you're considering couples therapy, chances are you and your partner have already tried to resolve problems on your own, but you haven't been successful.

Even if your partner agrees there are problems in your relationship, they might be uncomfortable talking to a therapist.

Starting Therapy Can Be Anxiety-Provoking At First

Going to individual or couples therapy, especially the first session, can be anxiety provoking (see my article: Starting Therapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious or Ambivalent).

Most experienced therapists know how to engage clients and help them to feel comfortable, but you and/or your partner might experience some of the following thoughts and emotions:

• You might be worried because you don't know what to expect.  
• You might feel embarrassed or ashamed to talk to a therapist.
• You might fear the therapist will judge you.
• You might fear that your friends or family members would judge you if you told them you're attending therapy.
• You're aware that going to therapy is against your culture or religion, so you feel conflicted about it.
• You don't know if therapy will be effective.
• You're afraid of what you might find out about yourself (or your partner) in therapy.
• You might worry about spending money on therapy if your budget is tight.
• You might be afraid that therapy will stir things up and make matters worse.

All of these are legitimate concerns that people sometimes grapple with when they go for an initial therapy consultation.

What to Do If Your Partner Isn't Ready to Attend Couples Therapy

On some level, you probably know you can't change anyone else, so attempts to change your partner are often counterproductive.

Rather than nagging, arguing or threatening your partner, which doesn't work, you can try some of the following suggestions:

• Accept You're Not in Control of Your Partner: 
• Recognize that you can't control your partner because they are their own person.

• Arguing, blaming and trying to force your partner to go to couples therapy will only make matters worse. You might get them through the therapist's door, but they might not be open to talking to the therapist.  

• Get Curious About Why Your Partner Doesn't Want to Go to Couples Therapy:
• Rather than being argumentative, get genuinely curious about your partner's concerns--even if you don't agree with them.  

• Try to keep an open mind and really listen to what your partner has to say.  Arguing with a partner about couples therapy often makes the unwilling partner dig their heels in even more.  Sometimes it might be a particular issue rather than a general issue.  For instance, a partner might be more comfortable with a woman or a man as a couples therapist, which you both can take into consideration when you're choosing a therapist (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist). 

• Focus on Yourself: 
• Once you realize you can't change your partner and it's counterproductive to argue, focus on yourself and attend individual therapy.  

• Although individual therapy might not change the dynamics in your relationship, it might give you a different perspective and help you to cope with the problems (see my article: Getting to Know the Only Person You Can Change: Yourself).

• Take Care of Yourself First:
• Even if your partner isn't ready to go to couples therapy, you can still take care of yourself. 

• You could benefit from learning new skills and new ways of communicating in individual therapy.  

• You might even be surprised to realize that you're contributing to the problems, and you'll be able to make changes on your end.  

• Sometimes, when the unwilling partner sees that their partner is in therapy and observes the beneficial effects of therapy, they become willing to participate in therapy.  This shouldn't be the reason why you go to individual therapy, but it can be an added benefit.  

Conclusion

I've seen too many couples where an unwilling partner, who comes to couples therapy, sits with their arms folded and refuses to talk.  

This not only makes matters worse, it's a waste of time and money.

You might feel that if you don't pressure your partner to attend couples therapy, you're giving up on the relationship, but you're not.  

What you're actually doing is stepping back, recognizing that your partner is a separate individual, and taking steps to take care of yourself.

Getting Help in Therapy

Working on yourself can help you to manage the stress you're experiencing in your relationship as well as in other areas of your life.

You can also learn new skills in individual therapy to cope and thrive.

Taking the first step of contacting a therapist can be the most challenging, but it's also the first step in taking care of yourself.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.