10 Self Care Tips to Start Your Morning With a Sense of Well-Being

Starting your morning with healthy self care routines can improve your overall perspective and sense of well-being for the rest of the day (see my article: Overcoming the Morning Blues).

Self Care Tips to Start Your Morning With a Sense of Well-Being

10 Self Care Tips to Start Your Morning

Depending upon how much time you have in the morning, here are 10 ways to improve your overall mental health throughout the day:

1. Prepare the Night Before: Rather than waking up and rushing around to figure out what you're wearing and what you need for the day, prepare everything the night before. This would include: laying out your clothes, gathering any work items that you'll need to take with you, having your MetroCard ready, making sure you have enough cash, having your keys handy, etc.
2. Wake Up Feeling Rested: One of the keys to having a sense of well-being is having a good night's sleep (see my article:  Tips For Getting Better Sleep).
3. Let the Sunshine In: Getting 5-10 minutes of sunlight in the morning can help to clear away grogginess and to wake you up feeling ready for the day. So, open your curtains and let the sunshine in. If you wake up before the sun comes up, turn on a lamp or consider getting a light therapy lamp (see my article: Coping With Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).
4. Hydrate: Drinking water in the morning not only quenches your thirst, it can also help you to clear up cognitive confusion related to dehydration. If you don't especially like drinking water, you can add some lemon or lime to give it flavor.
5. Avoid Technology: Reaching for your phone or computer as one of the first activities of the day can become compulsive. It's easy to get lost on social media or responding to texts and emails rather than taking care of yourself. So, unless it's absolutely necessary, refrain from using technology as part of your morning routine.
6. Start the Day With an Intention: Starting your day with a healthy intention can help to improve your mood and overall perspective (see my article:  The Power of Starting Your Day With An Intention).
7. Eat a Nutritious Meal: A healthy breakfast can help you to feel more energized during the rest of the day. You'll also be less likely to eat unhealthy foods, like donuts or junk food during the day because you'll already be full.
8. Get Physical: Whether you go out for a morning walk, jog or do other cardio and/or core exercises in the morning, getting physical in the morning can help to boost your endorphins, which will give a boost to your mood. In addition, it can help to tone your body and reduce weight.
9. Meditate: Spending 5-10 minutes meditating in the morning can help to calm your mind and body (see my article: The Safe Place Meditation).
10. Be Grateful: Being mindful of the people and things in your life to feel grateful for is a great way to start the day. Rather than focusing on all the negative things in your life and in the world in general, practice gratitude (see my article: Keeping a Gratitude Journal).

Getting Help in Therapy

There might be times in your life when you engage in self care routines and yet you wake up feeling anxious, depressed or have a sense that your life lacks meaning or purpose.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist who can help you to overcome your problems.  

While therapists are out of their offices due to the COVID-19 pandemic, they are practicing therapy using teletherapy, which is a convenient and effective way to provide psychotherapy services (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

Help is just a phone call away, so rather than struggling on your own, take the first step to getting help by calling a licensed mental health practitioner in your area.  

When you work through your problems with an experienced therapist, you can improve your mood and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing teletherapy services during the current pandemic.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Loneliness While Living Alone and Isolated During the Pandemic

In my last article, The Emotional and Physical Impact of Loneliness During the COVID-19 Pandemic, I addressed issues related to isolation and loneliness. In this article, I'm focusing specifically on the challenges of living alone while having to isolate during the pandemic.

Coping With Loneliness While Living Alone and Isolated During the Pandemic

Living alone during this pandemic can be very challenging, especially when people, who are alone, are suddenly cut off from having physical contact with their loved ones and other activities that would normally sustain them.

Tips on Coping With Loneliness While Living Alone
The following tips are suggestions that might be helpful to you. Take what you think would be best for you and use it and toss aside anything that's not useful to you:

• Be Patient With Yourself:  
• Recognize that you're going through a period of time unlike any other time you've experienced.
• Lower your expectations about what you think you can accomplish in a day and have self compassion (see my article: Practicing Self Compassion).
• Be aware that, due to the stress caused by the pandemic, you might be more forgetful or less productive than you are under normal circumstances.  
• Recognize that you might notice mood swings from day to day or even from one minute to the next due to the uncertainty of the situation.  
• Be aware that all of the above issues are being experienced by millions of people and these are common reactions to living under these circumstances (see my article: Common Reactions to the COVID-19 Pandemic: Fear and Anxiety and Coping With Loneliness).

• Create a Schedule For Yourself
• Maintain a regular schedule that includes personal care (see my article: Stress Management: Taking Time for Self Care).
• Be aware that trying to normalize your day as much as possible might not eliminate your loneliness, but it will help you to feel as much in control as possible while creating a sense of stability in your life while living in a time of uncertainty.
• Start your day with an intention for what you would like to accomplish and, once again, be patient with yourself if you accomplish much less than you intended (see my article:  The Power of Starting Your Day With an Intention).

• Stay Informed in a Balanced Way
• Get important information that keeps you up to date about the pandemic.
• Limit the amount of time you spend watching, listening or reading the news because too much exposure to the news can becoming overwhelming, especially when it's presented in a dramatic or anxiety provoking way.
• Sign up for online courses, if you're interested in online learning, to learn something new and expand your horizons. There are many colleges offering free courses during this time.  If this doesn't interest you or you find that you're unable to focus, be patient with yourself.

• Stay Active
• Make part of your self care routine being active, especially since you're probably much less active outdoors or at the gym than you were before.
• Find online exercise videos that are right for you. This will not only help to keep you fit, it will also help to boost your mood.
• Take walks outside, if possible, while taking the necessary precautions of social distancing, wearing a mask and other recommended precautions.

• Maintain Healthy Habits
• Eat nutritious meals. Although many people who live alone have the attitude that it's not worth making meals for themselves, now more than ever, it's important to maintain healthy practices and this includes healthy meals.
• Limit alcohol and other unhealthy substances or compulsive habits.
• Shower and groom yourself every day whether you're going out or not.  You'll feel better.

• Stay Connected
• Make an effort to stay connected with loved ones by video chat or by phone (see my article: Reframing Social Connection).
• Recognize that, even though connecting online isn't as emotionally rewarding as seeing your loved ones in person, it's better than not having any contact at all.
• Plan to share a meal together, have a wine party, share a birthday or celebrate an occasion online.
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• Make Meaning Out of Your Experience
• Look back on prior experiences where you overcame obstacles. Although the current time is unprecedented, you can look back on challenging times and remember the strengths you had to get through.
• Find meaning in the current situation in terms of your beliefs and values (see my article: Finding Meaning in Your Life).

• Look For the Silver Lining in Your Current Circumstances
• Find things to feel grateful about. This is one way to maintain a balanced perspective. No matter how small it might be, there are usually things to feel grateful about (see my article: Is It Possible to Feel Gratitude Even When You're Sad?)
• Keep a daily list of things for which you feel grateful--no matter how small (see my article: Keeping a Gratitude Journal).

• Maintain a Balanced Perspective About the Future
• Try not to allow your fear and anxiety overwhelm you. This is often easier said than done, but to the extent that you can control negative thoughts about the future, you can try to maintain a balanced perspective about the future.
• Remember times in the past when you feared the worst and the worst didn't occur. Although you don't know what to expect in the future, if you dwell on the worst case scenario, you're going to overwhelm yourself, weaken your immune system and, possibly, get sick (Resilience: Remembering Your Comebacks During Stressful Times).
• Practice bringing your attention to the present moment, whether you do this through meditation, prayer, a breathing exercise or anything else that is calms you.

Getting Help in Therapy

During this time of uncertainty, many people with unresolved trauma are being emotionally triggered, and they're finding relief in therapy (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on the Past).

Most therapists are conducting therapy online to make it accessible to clients while therapists are out of the office due to the pandemic.  Online therapy is also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

If you're feeling overwhelmed, seek help from a licensed mental health professional to get you through this difficult time.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrated Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am providing teletherapy sessions during this time when I am out of my office.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, contact me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Emotional and Physical Impact of Loneliness During the COVID-19 Crisis

Everyone experiences some degree of loneliness at some point in their lives. Even prior to the COVID-19 pandemic, loneliness was already an epidemic throughout the world, especially among the elderly.  However, the need to physically isolate from others to stop the spread of the virus has made the problem of loneliness much worse for many people (see my article: Coping With Loneliness During the COVID-19 Crisis and The 5 Stages of Grief During the COVID-19 Crisis).

The Emotional and Physical Impact of Loneliness During the COVID-19 Crisis

In this article, I'm focusing on the emotional and physical impact of loneliness on people who are isolated.  In my next article, I'll address the issue of loneliness during this pandemic if you live alone.

What is Loneliness?
First, let's define what we mean by loneliness.

Loneliness is a subjective negative emotion that occurs when our social needs aren't met. It's the discrepancy between our desire for connection and our actual experiences of connection.

Our need for social connection is hardwired in us from infancy. We are born with the need for attachment.  As infants, we need more than being fed, clothed and sheltered. We need to feel an emotional attachment to our primary caregiver in order to survive and thrive.

The need for emotional attachment doesn't end in infancy.  It continues throughout the lifespan. Although some people like spending a lot of time alone because it gives them a feeling of solitude, most people need to feel connected with others in a meaningful way (see my article:  How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships and Loneliness vs Solitude).

To form meaningful connections with others, our social needs must be met in terms of both quantity and quality.  So, while superficial relationships can distract us momentarily from our loneliness, they don't fulfill the deeper need to feel connected meaningfully in safe and secure surroundings.

What is the Emotional and Physical Impact of Loneliness?
Experiencing loneliness heightens our feelings of vulnerability and often takes a toll on our mind and body.

     The Connection Between Loneliness and Depression
Loneliness can put us at risk for depression.  The reason for this is that we often turn our attention inward in a critical way when we're isolated and lonely.  We become self critical and engage in negative self talk (see my articles: Are You Sabotaging Yourself With Negative Self Talk? and 5 Tips For Overcoming Chronic Negative Thoughts).

Negative self talk and the feelings connected to it can create a downward spiral that reinforces itself.  So, the more lonely and disconnected we feel, the more likely we are to criticize ourselves, and the more we criticize ourselves, the more likely we are to experience a downward spiral.  This makes it harder for us to connect with others because we feel unworthy (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic and Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

To stop this downward spiral, first, it's important to become aware of this cycle of negativity.  Second, we need to step back from our negative thoughts to be objective and question these thoughts to recognize that thoughts and feelings aren't facts (see my article: Your Thoughts and Feelings Aren't Facts).

If you're unable to stop the downward spiral into depression, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional (see the section below: Getting Help in Therapy).

Depression can lead to suicidal thoughts. So, if you're feeling suicidal, call 911 immediately to get help.

     The Connection Between Loneliness and Physical Problems
Aside from the emotional impact, loneliness can put you at risk for physical problems.

Loneliness and isolation creates stress and can also create increased inflammation in the body.  This is a genetic reaction that goes back centuries, and it occurs because the body still perceives loneliness and isolation as a threat to survival--like a physical attack or an infection.

Inflammation is the body's way of defending itself against the danger of an attack, and the body reacts the same way whether it's a real danger or only a perceived danger.  So, although inflammation is a way for the body to protect itself, too much inflammation can create serious medical problems. 

Chronic inflammation puts the body at risk for heart problems, stroke, cancer, autoimmune disorders and other medical problems.

Physical Distancing and Social Connection
Physical distancing is necessary to prevent the spread of COVID-19, but you can still maintain social connections with loved ones (see my article: Reframing Social Connections).

Connecting with loved ones online isn't the same as connecting with them in person, but it's the next best thing (see my article: Undoing Aloneness: Staying Socially Connected While Being Physically Distant and Developing a Felt Sense of Connection While Physically Distant).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're feeling overwhelmed, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional.

Many therapists are providing online therapy during this pandemic (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist to combat the emotional and physical impact of loneliness and social isolation.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, I am providing online therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

5 Tips For Challenging and Restructuring Distorted Negative Thoughts

In a prior article, I discussed how your distorted thoughts can have an negative impact on your overall mood and perspective (see my articles: How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Change Distorted Thinking).  In this article, I'm providing tips on how to challenge and restructure your negative thoughts which are distorted, so you don't get stuck in a pattern of negative thinking that affects your mood.

Challenging and Restructuring Distorted Negative Thoughts

How Negative Thoughts Affect Your Perspective
During a crisis, like the current pandemic, it's easy to get caught in a cycle of negative thoughts that gives you a pessimistic outlook and affects your mood.

While it's important to be realistic about the real challenges, if you don't find ways to overcome a habitual negative thoughts, they often have a way of crowding out anything that's positive.  So, it's important to notice if your thoughts and mood have become overly negative to the point where you're no longer seeing positive things that are happening in your life.

5 Tips For Challenging and Restructuring Your Negative Thoughts

• Write Down and Monitor the Accuracy of Your Negative Thoughts: When you have a negative thought, write it down.  Sometimes writing, rereading what you've written or even saying it out loud can help you to see that your thought is distorted.  

• Test Your Thoughts: Many negative thoughts remain untested, which gives them more power over you.  Try testing your thoughts to see how accurate they are.  For instance, if you tell yourself that you have no time--not even 5 minutes--to meditate, take a look at how you spend your time. If you're spending a lot of time online, can you take 5 minutes from that activity to close your eyes to meditate and relax?

• Evaluate the Likelihood of Your Negative Thoughts Coming True: Ask yourself how likely is it that your negative thoughts will come true.  Is there evidence for it?  What is this evidence?  How solid is this evidence? If there's no evidence, where are these thoughts coming from and what might they related to in your past?

• Practice Mindfulness Meditation: Your mindfulness meditation can be as simple as closing your eyes and paying attention to your breathing.  As you focus on each inhalation and exhalation, notice the quality of your breath and how focusing on your breath calms your mind and body (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Calm the Body and Calm the Mind).  Mindfulness meditation also provides an opportunity to see your negative perspective with a sense of calm so you can evaluate if you're catastrophizing.

• Practice Self Compassion: Notice if you're being overly critical of yourself or if you're in the habit of berating yourself for your mistakes.  It's often true that people who have compassion for the mistakes of others have little to none for themselves because they believe they don't deserve it.  So, practicing self compassion can be challenging.  Start by challenging yourself whenever you berate yourself ("I'm such an idiot for making that mistake").  Ask yourself if you would be as hard on someone else as you are on yourself.  Accept that you're human and, like everyone else, you're going to make mistakes.  Practice have compassion for yourself (see my article: Self Compassion: Loving Yourself Even in the Places Where You Feel Broken).

Getting Help in Therapy
Sometimes habitual negative thinking is linked to a history of trauma. 

When negative thinking is linked to trauma, trying to challenge your negative thoughts on your own often doesn't change them.

A crisis or a stressful event in the present can trigger unresolved trauma that requires the help of a trauma therapist (see my articles: Becoming Aware of Triggers Related to Unresolved Trauma and What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Many therapists are providing online therapy (also known as teletherapy and telehealth) during the COVID-19 crisis (see my article:  The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

Rather than getting stuck in a cycle of negativity, you could get help from a licensed psychotherapist who can help you to get through a difficult time and work through any underlying trauma.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I'm currently providing online therapy while I'm out of the office due to the global pandemic.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is a Trauma Therapist?

My previous article focused on the importance of making sure that anyone you're considering seeing for psychotherapy is a licensed therapist (see my article: Tips on How to Check If a Therapist is Licensed). The subject of this article, "What is a Trauma Therapist?," will focus on the difference between therapists who are trauma therapists vs. therapists who are generalists.

What is a Trauma Therapist?

Psychotherapists: Generalists vs Specialists

In the medical field there are generalists, like your general practitioner, and the specialists that your general practitioner refers you to when your problem is beyond the scope of the general practitioner's  skills and knowledge.

So, for instance, if the general practitioner thinks you have potential heart problems, s/he would refer you to a cardiologist who has the necessary knowledge and skills you need.  To do otherwise would be irresponsible and unethical of the general practitioner.

Similarly, in the psychotherapy field there are also generalists and specialists.  Generalists are therapists who work with a variety of common problems.  For instance, if a client is having problems adjusting to a new job or a new situation in life, a therapist who is a generalist can help a client to overcome common obstacles that are creating problems for a client.  

But if the generalist discovers that there is significant underlying trauma that is affecting the client's ability to adjust to a new situation and the client isn't making progress in therapy, the generalist will often refer the client to a trauma therapist because the problem is beyond the scope of the generalist's skills and training.

Similar to the medical field, it would be irresponsible and unethical for the generalist to continue working with this client because it would be beyond the scope of his or her skills and training.

After the generalist refers the client to a trauma specialist, the client has a choice of either continuing to work with the generalist and going to the trauma therapist for adjunctive therapy or the client can stop seeing the generalist temporarily (or permanently) to work with the trauma specialist.

What is a Trauma Therapist?

A trauma therapist, like a generalist, is a mental health practitioner who completed all the requirements for state licensure and, in addition, has the training and skills to work with trauma and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

What does this mean? It means that the trauma therapist has gone beyond the training of the generalist with specialized training in trauma therapy, like EMDR therapy (see my articles: EMDR and Emotional Breakthroughs).

Is this enough? No. Many psychotherapists train to do trauma therapy, like EMDR, but they rarely use it.  This means they haven't honed their skills.

In order to develop trauma therapy skills, a psychotherapist needs to see many clients with traumatic experiences and used trauma therapy over a period of time. 

Just like developing any other skill, it's not enough to learn a type of therapy once in a workshop and get little or no practice using it with clients.  Trauma therapy skills need to be practiced over time for a therapist to become skilled at it.  

The importance of skill level was really brought home to me a few years ago when I needed to refer a friend for trauma therapy.  Since she was my friend, I couldn't see her myself, so I needed to refer her to a specialist in trauma.

Although I know many therapists who are trauma therapists, none of them took my friend's health benefits, so I made a request on my professional listserve to try to find someone who did.  In response to my inquiry, a therapist, who was unknown to me, responded that she used EMDR therapy with clients.  She also said she took my friend's health benefits, and she would be glad to meet my friend.  So, I provided this therapist's information to my friend.

It turned out that even though this therapist said she was a trauma therapist, in fact, she was a generalized with a substance abuse background.  She admitted after several weeks of treating my friend that she attended an EMDR workshop, but she never used it.  In effect, she misrepresented herself because she wanted the referral.  Not only was this clinically irresponsible, it was also unethical, and I never made any more referrals to her.  

Fortunately, I was able to find someone else who was a qualified trauma therapist and my friend did well in that therapy.  But I never forgot that experience and, since that time, I ask more detailed questions when I'm making a referral rather than relying on a therapist describing him or herself as a trauma therapist when they're not.

So, while it's important to ask specific questions about the therapist's licensure and training, it's also important to ask how much experience a therapist has with regard to actually doing trauma therapy.  This doesn't mean that you shouldn't work with a beginner who is in training. You might choose a trauma therapist in training if that therapist works for a clinic that offers low fee therapy where the trainee is getting supervision if cost is an issue for you.

Choosing Among Trauma Therapists

Not all trauma is alike.  There are different types of trauma (see my article: What is the Difference Between Shock Trauma and Developmental Trauma?).

Within trauma therapy, some therapists have more experience with some trauma versus other types of trauma.  For instance, one trauma therapist might have more experience with the trauma of parental alienation and less with sexual abuse.  So, it's important to ask about this when considering various trauma therapists.

When you're looking for a trauma therapist, you might decide to have consultations with a few therapists to determine which therapist is right for you (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

On the other hand, if you have a consultation with a trauma therapist and you feel she's the right therapist for you, you might choose that therapist without having other consultations because having several consultations can be time consuming and expensive.  This is a personal decision and each individual chooses what feels right.

Getting Help in Therapy

While the process of finding a trauma therapist might seem daunting, in the long run you can save a lot of time and money by making sure that you're with a specialist who has the necessary qualifications to help you.

Many trauma therapists, including me, are doing effective trauma therapy online during the pandemic crisis. Online therapy is also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

Choosing a trauma therapist, instead of a generalist, can make all the difference between effective therapy versus ineffective therapy.  

Rather than struggling on your own with unresolved trauma, get the help you need from a trauma therapist so you can work through your trauma and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

One of my specialties is working with trauma (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Tips on How to Check If a Therapist is Licensed

More and more people are seeking help in therapy.  Unfortunately, it can be a confusing process to try to determine if someone claiming to be a therapist is actually a qualified mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

How to Check if a Therapist is Licensed

Tips on How to Check if a Therapist is Licensed:

It's important to check if a prospective therapist you're considering working with has a state license because working with someone who doesn't have a license means that you're working with someone who is unqualified.  

Not only is this a waste of your time and money, it can also be harmful to you. 

Just like you would want to make sure that a medical doctor is licensed, you also want to make sure that anyone who calls him or herself a therapist has a state license.

Here are some tips to check on state licensure:

• Real Psychotherapists Have a State License
• There are many people who claim they're therapists when they're really not, including life coaches, personal coaches and other people who work outside the scope of their expertise.  
• Anyone can call themselves a therapist, but real psychotherapists have a state license.  

• Why State Licensing Matters For Real Psychotherapists
• Licensing is important because you want to make sure that the person you have chosen to help you with your problems is qualified.  
• A licensed therapist has a verified skillset to help people with various mental health issues.  
• A therapist obtains a license by satisfying various state and clinical requirements and have the necessary qualifications to treat you.
• A licensed therapist have fulfilled the necessary supervised clinical hours and have demonstrated that they have the necessary skills to obtain a license.  
• A licensed therapist has the proper training and experience to be a mental health professional.

• In New York State: Check with the Office of Professions - NYSED Website
• It's important to check that anyone who calls themselves a therapist is licensed.
• When you put yourself in someone's hands to help you with your problems, you want to know that they have the minimum requirements to work with you and that minimum requirement is state licensure.
• When you take it upon yourself to check a therapist's license, you're being a smart consumer of psychotherapy services.
• You can look up if a particular therapist you're considering by name by visiting the website of the licensing organization in the state where the therapist works.  In New York State, you can click on this link, NYSED - Office of Professions, and look up the therapist you're considering by name. 
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• Why is it Harm to Work With Someone Who Doesn't Have a License?
• Anyone who claims to be a therapist who doesn't have a license isn't a psychotherapist.
• If someone says s/he is a therapist and isn't licensed, they don't have the necessary skills, training and experience to help you.
• From a legal perspective, an unlicensed individual who attempts to practice therapy is committing fraud.
• More importantly, from a clinical perspective, anyone who isn't licensed will be harmful to your mental health and overall well-being.
• An unlicensed person who calls himself as therapist can leave you in a worse state than when you first started because s/he doesn't know what he's doing.
• An unlicensed person who fraudulently says he is a therapist is someone who hasn't demonstrated the basic skills required to be a psychotherapist.
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• Is a State License Enough to Qualify a Therapist to Treat You?
• Licensure is the minimum requirement for being a psychotherapist.  
• After a psychotherapist obtains a license, s/he must go on to do continuing education to stay current with regard to best practices in the psychotherapy field.
• For instance, if a therapist claims to have a particular expertise, like trauma therapy, s/he must have the necessary education and training beyond graduate school to develop the expertise to do trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
Beyond making sure that a therapist is licensed, finding a psychotherapist who is right for you is usually a process that begins with a consultation to see if the two of you are a good therapeutic match.

You might meet with a particular therapist a few times before you know if you're comfortable with him or her.  Ask questions about how the therapist works with the particular issue you want to work on.

There are many qualified psychotherapists in New York, but you're not going to feel comfortable with all of them, so trust your gut feeling.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, many therapist are providing online therapy, which is also called teletherapy, telemental health or telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

If you're struggling with problems and feel overwhelmed, get help from a licensed psychotherapist who is right for you.  Getting the right help from a licensed mental health professional can help you to overcome your problems so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYS psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing online therapy while I'm out of my office due to the COVID-19 pandemic.  

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: 10 Reasons Why Trying to Change Your Spouse Doesn't Work

So many people enter into a relationship where they see the "potential" in their partner, but they won't accept how their partner is in the present.  Although men do it too, it's usually women who try to change, "fix" or rescue their partner.  They believe they can get their partner to change to be the way they want him to be.  Many of them become so focused on fixing their partner that they neglect themselves (see my articles: Overcoming Your Need to Rescue Your Loved Ones as Part of a Codependency Pattern and You Want to Change Your Spouse, But You Can't, So What Can You Do?).

Why Trying to Change Your Spouse Doesn't Work

Many people push, prod and try to do everything in their power to get their spouse to change, and no matter how good their intentions are, it usually doesn't work.

Exploring why it doesn't work and how to change this dynamic is the subject of this article.

A Short Fictional Vignette
The following fictional vignette, which is representative of hundreds of clinical cases, illustrates why trying to change your spouse doesn't work:

Helen and Tim
Helen and Tim, who were both in their 40s, were married for 10 years.

After Tim's father died, Tim started gambling compulsively (see my article: Overcoming Grief Gambling).

Prior to his father's death, Tim and his friends would get together every few months to play Poker.  But after his father's death, Tim felt a strong urge to play Poker more often, so he found other games, including online gambling.

At first, Helen wasn't concerned, but when she saw that Tim was spending almost all his free time in Poker games and he was losing money they didn't have, she became very concerned and told Tim to stop.  Tim would respond by promising Helen that he would stop, but he continued to gamble and lose large sums of money.

By then, Helen and Tim were spending a lot of their time arguing about his gambling and no time enjoying themselves the way they used to do before.  Helen was angry most of the time with Tim, and Tim felt resentful.  He felt that Helen was nagging him and acting like his mother.

The situation deteriorated until they were barely talking to one another, and they were no longer sexual (see my article: Have You and Your Spouse Stopped Having Sex?).

A few months later, they were sitting in a couples therapist office trying to salvage their relationship. Over time, they learned that Tim hadn't grieved for his father and the gambling was not only a distraction, it was also an addictive behavior that gave Tim a dopamine high in much the same way that taking drugs gives a dopamine high.

Gradually, as Helen learned not to nag and to focus on herself, Tim agreed to go to Gamblers Anonymous (GA) and work with a sponsor.  He also entered into his own individual therapy to deal with the loss of his father.  Over time, as he dealt with his emotions, he stopped gambling.

10 Reasons Why Trying to Change Your Spouse Won't Work:

• Trying to Get a Spouse Who is Unwilling and/or Unable to Change is Futile
• Before you try to change your spouse, consider whether he actually wants to change.
• Is he capable of changing?

• Focusing on Your Spouse's Behavior Takes Your Focus Away From Your Own Behavior
• It takes two people to be in a relationship.
• If you're focusing mostly on your spouse's behavior, you might not see how your own behavior affects the situation between the two of you. 

• Focusing on Your Spouse's Behavior Takes Your Focus Away From the Dynamic Between the Two of You
• There's a particular dynamic between you and your spouse.
• When you focus on your spouse's behavior, you might miss that dynamic. 

• Trying to Get Your Spouse to Change Might Be Unrealistic
• Ask yourself how realistic you're being.
• Ask yourself if you can live with the current situation when you consider everything.

• Reframing Your Expectations Might Be More Realistic
• Reframing your expectation is not about accepting abuse or accepting a situation that you find completely unacceptable.
• If your spouse is unwilling or unable to change, is it possible to look at the situation from a different perspective that might make it acceptable to you?

• Pushing Your Spouse to Change Can Erode the Relationship
• No one likes to feel pushed or nagged.
• People rarely change when they feel pushed and, if they do, they do it with resentment which causes other problems in the relationship.

• Trying to Change Your Spouse Puts You in a Parental Role
• When you take on a parental role, you're damaging your relationship--even though you might have the best of intentions (see my article: Behaving Like a Parent to Your Spouse Can Ruin Your Relationship).
• Your spouse will probably resent you.
• You will eventually resent being in this role.

• Focusing on Changing Your Spouse Might Make You Lose Sight of What's Good in Your Relationship
• Are you only focusing on your spouse's problems and not seeing what's good in your relationship?
• Has your focus on your spouse's problems overshadowed what's positive?

• Criticizing Your Spouse Can Lead to Divorce
• Being overly critical is a relationship killer (see my article: Learn to Stop Criticizing Each Other).
• Being critical can become habitual.

• Focusing on Yourself and Making Your Own Positive Changes Can Help the Dynamic Between You and Your Spouse
• Rather than focusing exclusively on your spouse's problems, you can focus on yourself.  
• People often focus on their significant other as a way to avoid looking at themselves.
• Practice self care and try to find ways to improve things for yourself (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish?).

Conclusion
People often don't change when they feel pressured or pushed.  Not only is this not an effective strategy, it often does more harm than good.

In order to make significant lasting change, a person has to be internally motivated to change as opposed to complying with someone else's wishes. 

Even though no one should accept abusive behavior or put up with things that they know are unacceptable to them, focusing on yourself is usually more effective than focusing on what you perceive as another person's faults.

Getting Help in Therapy
It's hard to live with problems that you feel are unacceptable, especially when you love someone and also want the best for him or her.

Focusing on yourself might be challenging.  It can also be hard to break old habits of focusing on someone else instead of focusing on yourself.

Even if you're not pressuring your spouse to change, you might find it hard to decide whether to stay or to leave the relationship.

If you're struggling with one or more of these issues, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has experience helping clients with these issues.

Many therapists, including me, are providing online therapy, which is also called teletherapy and telehealth, while they are out of their office during the COVID-19 pandemic (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am providing teletherapy sessions during the COVID-19 crisis.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.