he Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder - Part 1

In a prior article,  Coping With a Spouse Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder, I discussed the challenges of living with a spouse who has borderline personality disorder.  It is one of the most popular articles on my blog site.  In this article, I'm focusing on the affect of growing up with a parent who has borderline personality disorder.

The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Before we go further, let's define borderline personality disorder.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by a pervasive pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships, self image and emotions.

It is also characterized by impulsivity beginning by early adulthood with five or more of the following:

• frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
• a pattern of unstable and intense relationships, alternating between idealization and devaluation
• an unstable self image or sense of self
• impulsivity, including self harm, overspending, substance abuse, binge eating, etc.
• recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats or self mutilation
• highly reactive and unpredictable mood 

As I mentioned above, for someone to be diagnosed with borderline personality, s/he doesn't have to have all of the above traits--they only need to have five or more.

The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Even when someone doesn't meet the full criteria for borderline personality, a person can have significant borderline personality traits.

How Does Borderline Personality Disorder Affect Attachment Between the Primary Caregiver and a Child?

A loving bond between a primary caretaker (let's assume for this article that it's the mother) and an infant is crucial for the healthy physical and emotional development of the infant.

There's no such thing as a "perfect bond" between mothers and infants.

The bond between most infants and their mother tends to be "good enough" so that the infants develop a secure attachment (see my article:  Early Bonding Between Mother and Infant).

Secure Attachment Between Mother and Child

A secure attachment generally develops if the mother is receptive to the infant by engaging in caregiving responses like touching, holding and soothing as well as being emotionally in sync with the infant.

As part of healthy, secure attachment, there is a reciprocal relationship between the infant and the mother as they each respond to each other emotionally and physically.

However, infants who are raised with a mother who has borderline personality disorder tend to develop insecure attachment.

As opposed to secure attachments, mothers with borderline personality disorder tend to develop unresolved, preoccupied and fearful attachments with their children.

With insecure (unresolved, preoccupied and fearful) attachment, the person with borderline personality longs for closeness but is also fearful of dependency and rejection at the same time.  T

his ambivalence is communicated to the infant on an unconscious level and it is detrimental to the infant's healthy physical and emotional development.

The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder

For the mother with borderline personality the vacillation between longing and fearing emotional intimacy is an emotional dilemma (see my article:  An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

The infant who is raised by a mother with borderline personality disorder experiences unpredictable emotions, including unpredictable rage.

A mother with borderline personality disorder might also be emotionally and physically abusive with the infant or neglectful.

Children who grow up under these circumstances often have difficulty developing trusting relationships  as children and as adults due to the unpredictable nature of their early childhood experiences.

The negative affect of growing up with a parent who has borderline personality disorder can be mitigated by the loving presence of another adult, like the other parent, an older sibling, a grandparent and so on (more about this in a future article).

In Part 2 of this article, I will continue discussing the affect of growing up with a parent who has borderline personality disorder.

Getting Help in Therapy
You don't need to be psychotherapist to know that growing up in an emotionally unpredictable and chaotic home has a profound effect on you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people, who grew up with one or both parents who had borderline personality disorder, fear that they will develop similar dynamics with their children or in their adult relationships, even though they don't want to do this (see my article:  Discovering That You Developed the Same Traits You Didn't Like in Your Parents).

As I will discuss in a future article, the emotional effects of growing up in chaotic and abusive or neglectful household can be overcome in therapy if you work with a licensed mental health professional who understands these dynamics and knows how to help people to overcome them.

It's often hard for people who grew up in unpredictable households to trust coming to therapy, but for those who get psychological help with an experienced therapist, they can learn to live a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see:  The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Has Borderline Personality - Part 2

Psychotherapy Blog: Are You Using Your Idea of "Positive Thinking" to Deny Your Problems?

As a psychotherapist, I'm all for people having a genuinely positive attitude about themselves and life.  I think that people who have a genuinely positive attitude, especially people who can reframe unfortunate things that happen to them as being meaningful, tend to be more resilient.

A Genuinely Positive Attitude About Life Can Help You to Be Resilient

While positive thinking can be a valuable tool to deal with life's challenges, using positive thinking to deny your problems is just another form of denial and is counterproductive (see my article:  Changing Coping Strategies That No Longer Work For You: Avoidance).

Using "Positive Thinking" as a Form of Denial and Avoidance

Over the years, I've seen many instances where psychotherapy clients use their idea of positive thinking as a form of denial, which keeps them from acknowledging and being proactive about their problems.

Rather than acknowledging and coping with their problems, they use their version of positive thinking to deny that they have problems or that they need to be proactive.

For many of them, it's as if acknowledging that they have problems makes them a "negative person," which, understandably, they don't want to be.

"Putting on a Happy Face" Doesn't Help When You're Life is Falling Apart

But "putting on a happy face" while your personal or work life is falling apart doesn't help.

No one would expect you to tell everyone you know about your problems.  But so many people come into therapy and, instead of being honest with themselves, they want to learn how to be "positive" in order to avoid coping with problems.

This isn't what adherents of positive thinking had in mind.

The following composite scenario is an example of how the idea of positive thinking can be used as a form of denial:

Ted
When Ted came to therapy, he said he wanted to learn to be a more positive person.  He felt that if he could learn to be positive, he wouldn't feel so filled with "negativity."

After hearing about his personal life, I could understand why Ted was feeling so badly:  He was burdened with high debt, and not only did he stop opening his mail, he also avoided taking the collection calls to his home phone.  He was heading down a slipper slope without even realizing it.

He felt that all he needed to do was to be positive and "the universe would provide."

When I inquired as to what he thought he could do, aside from whatever the universe might or might not provide, he didn't know what to say.

It became clear rather quickly that Ted's problem wasn't that he needed to be positive.  His problem was that he wasn't being realistic.  Instead, he wanted to pull the covers over his head, avoid dealing with his problems, and hope that "positivity" would take care of things.

In other words, Ted was so frightened by his problems that he only wanted to find a magical solution, like being positive, to make everything all right in his life.

Are You Using Your Idea of "Positive Thinking" to Deny Your Problems?

As Ted continued in therapy and we began to explore the difference between being confident and resilient while taking action to resolve problems  vs. just trying to be "positive," being passive, and hoping that his problems would disappear.

As time went on, Ted began to see that his fears were paralyzing him, and he wanted to take flight into a magical world where he could delude himself rather than being proactive and taking steps to deal with his problems.

As is often the case, Ted's fears stemmed from childhood memories of his family struggling to keep their heads above water financially.  This family history and the emotional trauma that went with it left their psychological marks on Ted.

Over time, Ted was able to work through his childhood trauma so that it no longer got triggered in his current situation.  This took time.

At the same time, he began to take steps to deal with his financial problems:

• He hired an attorney to help him negotiate with his creditors.  
• He went to Debtors Anonymous, a 12 Step program for people who spend compulsively and get themselves into debt.  
• He also continued to come to his therapy sessions regularly.

As he took steps to deal with his problems, he felt reinforced and empowered to take additional steps.

This work wasn't easy or fast because Ted's sense of denial as well as his fear were strong.  There were times when he still longed for a magical solution to make all his problems go away.

This wish was understandable.  Would we all wish that someone could wave a magic wand and make problems go away?

The difference lies in seeing the wish for what it was.  In Ted's case it was a childlike wish from a time when he was younger and felt overwhelmed by his family's problems.

As an adult, when he felt gripped by this fear, he felt that all he needed to do was to recite affirmations and "be happy," and his problems would take care of themselves.

Whenever he would backslide, we would talk about whatever was getting triggered in him from the past and work through that issue.

Each time that this happened, we would explore what was underlying his magical wish, work through it, and then Ted would continue to make progress.

At the same time, instead of berating himself for having the wish, Ted learned to develop self compassion for the younger part of himself that was holding onto this wish.

Although he was learning in therapy to be compassionate for that younger part of himself, at the same time, he was also learning not to allow that younger part of himself to be in charge.

He learned that the adult part of himself had to be in charge at the same time that he acknowledged the hurt and pain of his younger self.

Progress in therapy is usually not like a straight arrow that begins and keeps going straight forward.

Progress is usually more like a spiral with two steps forward and one step back.  This is part of the therapeutic process.

Over time, as Ted learned to cope with his fears and to take action, he realized that he was feeling genuinely positive about himself.  His positive feelings were no longer a defense--they were real, and they were based on his experience of being proactive, feeling capable, and taking care of himself.

As Ted became more confident in himself and his ability to deal with his problems, he saw the real power of being positive.

Getting Help in Therapy
Understanding that the "power of positive thinking" doesn't mean being passive or hoping that something external will resolve problems is often a difficult concept for people, who use this defense mechanism, to see because the wish for something magical is so strong.

Without the help of a licensed mental health professional, people who use this defense mechanism often double down and think they just need to "try harder" to make positive thinking work for them.  But, in the meantime, their problems, left unattended, get worse.

Getting Help in Therapy

If there are times when you can see that you're using your idea of positive thinking as a way to avoid dealing with your problems, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you work through the fears underneath your denial.

A licensed mental health professional can also help you to learn to be compassionate with yourself so you can start being proactive to overcome your problems and feel genuinely positive about yourself.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learn to Communicate More Effectively in Your Relationship

In my prior articles,  The Importance of Active Listening and Are You Having Problems Communicating in Your Relationship?, I outlined some of the communication problems that couples often have in their relationship and the mistakes that they make that get in the way of effective communication.

As I mentioned in a prior article, it's a good idea, before criticizing your spouse, to take a look at your style of communication first to see if you're making some of the most common communication mistakes, which I outlined in that article.

Communicating Effectively in Your Relationship

In order to clarify the issues that I discussed in my prior articles, I'll give a fictionalized scenario, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed (to protect confidentiality).  This fictionalized scenario includes some of the common communication problems that couples have:

Sharon and Bill
Sharon and Bill came to couples counseling because, after five years of marriage, they were considering separating due to their frequent arguments.  When they weren't arguing, they often ignored each other and just coexisted in the same household.

Communicating Effectively in Your Relationship

Sharon's complaint was that she felt that Bill didn't listen to her.  Bill responded that Sharon was too critical and she tended to bring up old problems that he felt they had already resolved, and this made him feel overwhelmed.

Sharon countered that she wouldn't feel it was necessary to keep bringing up old issues if the current issues didn't feel so much like the old issues.

After several minutes of each of them pointing their fingers at each other, I reminded them of one of the ground rules that we discussed at the beginning of the couples counseling session, which was that each of them would speak from his or her own experience rather than making accusations.

Communicating Effectively in Your Relationship

After they each took deep breaths to calm down, I asked them to try an exercise:

Each one of them would take a turn in speaking from his or her own experience, without accusations.

The role of the person who was speaking was to get to the point without a long monologue and with as much compassion and empathy as he or she could muster for the other person and without accusations.   He or she had to communicate in a respectful way without using generalizations or speaking in a demeaning or manipulative way.

The role of the person listening was to listen actively--without interrupting.  As I mentioned in a prior article, active listening is an important skill that many people in relationships need to learn.

Active listening involves really hearing what the other person says and empathizing with the other person's point of view even if you don't agree with it.

In other words, you place yourself in the other person's shoes, if only for a few minutes, to try to understand the other person.  You focus completely on the other person. You're not waiting impatiently for the other person to stop talking so you can respond back.

Both roles, the role of the one speaking and the role of the one listening, can be challenging, especially if you and your spouse are stuck in certain negative communication habits.  But I think the role of listening actively is the most challenging because it's hard to put aside your own feelings sometimes, even for a moment, to consider your spouse's point of view, especially during a heated conversation.

Like many couples, Bill and Sharon had difficulty with this exercise and they needed a lot of practice.  Both of them felt frustrated and annoyed, and we needed to stop to help them focus on what the purpose of their seeking couples counseling was all about.

Was it more important to "win" the conversation by out talking or out maneuvering or was it more important to improve their relationship?

When each of them calmed down, they agreed that they wanted to improve their relationship because they each feared that it wouldn't last if it kept spiraling down the way that it had been.

I asked them to take turns at home practicing the exercise they learned in their couples counseling session.  I also asked each of them to keep a journal of their experiences in counseling and at home.

I also met with each of them individually for a session to find out if there was anything brewing under the surface that either of them were hesitant to talk about in the couples sessions.  

In addition, I used the individual sessions to get each of their family histories to see if there were any old family patterns that were repeating themselves in their relationship.

Fortunately, there weren't any issues that either of them wouldn't talk about in the couple sessions.  However, both Bill and Sharon were repeating patterns, without even realizing it, that their parents engaged in.

When we talked about the reoccurring patterns from one generation to the next, it was an eye-opening experience for both Sharon and Bill.  They were each both surprised and dismayed that they were repeating patterns that they disliked in each of their parents' marriages.

Of course, this is very common, but once people become aware of the patterns that they're repeating, they have an opportunity to change them (see my article:  Discovering that You've Developed the Same Traits that You Disliked in Your Parents).

There was no magic bullet for Bill and Sharon, but they made a commitment to change, they came regularly and they used the tools that they learned in couples counseling to improve their relationship.

Communicating Effectively in Your Relationship

Over time, they improved their communication and recommitted themselves to their relationship.

Changing Patterns in a Relationship is Challenging
Change can be challenging.

Change can be especially challenging if patterns in a relationship have become ingrained and they are part of a dynamic that is intergenerational.

When intergenerational patterns are involved in a relationship, not only is the couple in the room with the therapist but, figuratively speaking, their parents and, maybe, even their grandparents and great grandparents are "standing in the room" right behind them.

Being in an intimate relationship often brings up core issues in a way that usually doesn't happen with other relationships that aren't as close, which is another challenge.

Making changes in a relationship requires a commitment from each person to look at his or her own dynamic and a willingness to stick with couples counseling to improve their relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Counseling
Longstanding communication problems in a relationship don't get solved in a few sessions.  It takes time, patience and a lot of self compassion as well as compassion for your spouse to work through ingrained problems.

Unfortunately, too many couples wait until it's too late to get help.  By the time they come to couples counseling, there's been too much damage to their relationship and one or both of them wants out.

The chance for success in couples counseling is greater if the couple comes to counseling sooner rather than later.

If you and your spouse want to make changes in your relationship, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has experience working with couples and who can help to facilitate positive change.

Don't wait until your problems become irreconcilable.  Get help from a couples therapist who can help you to have a happier, more meaningful relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Importance of Active Listening in Your Relationship

In my prior article,  Are You Having Problems Communicating in Your Relationship,  I began a discussion about communication problems in relationships.  I focused on common communication problems that people often make when they speak to their spouse or partner.  The focus of this article is the importance of active listening, which is a challenge for many couples.

The Importance of Active Listening in Your Relationship

What is Active Listening?
While learning to speak to your spouse or partner is important, learning to be an active listener is just as important.

Many couples have problems communicating with each other because they're not listen to one another.

Sometimes people don't even realize that they're not listening to their spouse because they're so preoccupied with their own thoughts and feelings.

Rather than listening, each person is impatiently waiting for his or her turn to speak.  He or she is focused on what how to respond and make his or her own points.

Unfortunately, when you do that, you miss out on what your spouse is trying to communicate to you.  Usually, your spouse can tell that you're not listening and this becomes frustrating for him or her.

When you're not actively listening to what your spouse has to say, it usually makes him or her angry and hurt.

The First Step is to Become Aware of How You Interact With Your Spouse
The first step is to become aware of whether or not you're an active listener.

Active listening means putting yourself in the other person's shoes and listening empathically.

When you're an active and empathic listener:

• you're looking at your spouse directly and not averting your gaze
• you're focused on what your spouse is saying without anything else to distract you
• you sense what your spouse is saying
• you're aware of what your spouse is implying even if it's not said explicitly because you're picking up on nonverbal cues as well as what's begin said verbally.  This means that you're listening for more than just the words.
• you're able to follow and consider what you're spouse is saying
• you show your spouse by how you listen and acknowledge what he or she says that you're listening
• you show your spouse not only with words but also by your body language, which is open and receptive that you're actively listening
• don't focus on what you're going to say next--just focus on what you're spouse is saying

The Next Step:  Develop Active Listening Skills
The next step is to learn to develop the skill of active listening.

Active listening with empathy is a skill that most people need to learn and practice.

Once you've learned to be an active and empathic listener and your spouse also learns this skill, it can go a long way to help improve communication in your relationship.

Some people can learn this skill on their own.  Many people in relationships learn to listen actively by developing this skill in couples counseling.

In my next article, I'll give a fictionalized scenario that demonstrates some of the common communication problems that arise in relationships and how couples therapy can help.

Getting Help
Communication problems are common in many relationships, so you and your spouse or partner are not alone.

Just like any skill, you and your spouse can learn to develop better communication skills in couples counseling with a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have worked with many couples to help them improve their communication.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Having Problems Communicating in Your Relationship?

As a psychotherapist who works with individuals and couples, one of the most common complaints that I hear from people who are married or in a committed relationship is that they're having communication problems.  Often, either one or both spouses feel that the other spouse isn't listening and/or they don't like how they're being spoken to by their spouse.

Are You Having Problems Communicating in Your Relationship?

Communication problems that persist can ruin a relationship.

There can be many reasons why your spouse isn't listening to you.

The problem could be related to a problem that your spouse is having, a problem that you're having or both.

Become Aware of How You Communicate With Your Spouse
One of the most common communication problems in relationships is a problem with the way one or both spouses speak to one another.

Before you point your finger at your spouse, consider how you might be able to improve your style of communication:

• Learn to get to the point rather than repeating yourself and creating a long monologue.   If you go on and one, after a while, your spouse will probably tune out and stop listening to you.

• Give your spouse a chance to respond to what you're saying.  If you try to monopolize the conversation, your spouse will get frustrated and neither of you will get anywhere with whatever problem you're discussing.

• Don't preach, scold or lecture your spouse.  Aside from being infantilizing and a big turn off, it also gets in the way of any meaningful communication.

• If you want to have an open, meaningful conversation with your spouse, avoid making remarks that are hurtful, mean, dismissive, sarcastic, demeaning and disrespectful.  

• Avoid generalizing and distorting the situation by accusing your spouse with words like "You always..." and "You never..."  This will only make your spouse defensive and angry, and it will get in the way of communication.

• Avoid rehashing old situations that you've talked about before.  This is one of the most destructive things that people in relationships do, and it creates hostility and resentment.

• If you have gotten into a habit of complaining and whining a lot, this is a big turn off and your spouse is going to stop listening to you.   Try to become aware of your style of communication and whether you're in the habit of being negative.  

• Timing can be an issue.  Be aware of what might be going on with your spouse when you want to bring up sensitive topics or problems.  If your spouse is overwhelmed and your topic isn't urgent, consider waiting until the timing is better.  If your spouse is in a better frame of mind, it increases the likelihood that s/he will listen to you.

In my next article, I'll discuss active listening and how really listening to your spouse (and vice versa) can help improve your communication.

Getting Help in Therapy
Communication problems that persist in relationships often destroy relationships.

If you and your spouse have tried unsuccessfully on your own to improve your communication, you could benefit from attending couples counseling with a licensed mental health professional who works with couples and can help you to save your relationship.

Learn to Communicate More Effectively With Your Spouse

Attending couples counseling and learning how to communicate more effectively can help you to have a happier more fulfilling relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Talk to Your Partner About Money Before You Get Married or Enter Into a Committed Relationship

If you're about to get married, you might be very busy now taking care of last minute preparations, rewriting your vows, and confirming the honeymoon plans. Maybe you're daydreaming about the wedding and how wonderful it will be to spend the rest of your life with your beloved. But before you say "I do," walk down the aisle hand in hand, and step into the next phase of your life together, there's something very important that you need to do--make sure you talk about money before you get married.

Talk to Your Fiance About Money Before You Get Married

I can't emphasize enough how important this is. Talking about money might not be the most romantic topic to discuss with your soon to be spouse, but in the long run, it can save both of you a lot of headaches in the future.

I realize that talking about money can be uncomfortable. However, as a marriage counselor, I can tell you that one of the biggest problems that bring couples (married or not) into marriage/couples counseling is that they're arguing about money. That doesn't mean that it's too late and they can't learn to reconcile their differences about money but, for most of them, it would have been so much easier if they had sat down and talked about money before they got married.

So what do you talk about and how do you do it?
You and your partner should sit down in a quiet place where you have privacy and share your views about money as well as any debt or other problems you're having with money.

Talk to Your Partner About Money Before You Get Married

Don't assume that you're both on the same page about money because you might be very wrong about this. You'll probably need to have more than just one talk to cover a variety of topics. Here are some tips:

What's important to you each of you?

• Do you want children? If so, how many?
• If you have children, will you both continue to work or will one of you stay home?
• Do you want to buy a house in the future?
• Do you want to relocate?
• Do you love living in the city but your partner wants to live in the suburbs?
• Are you a saver and your partner is a spender?
• How will you manage your money? Separately? Together? Keep whatever you had before you got married and set up a third account for expenses?
• What about credit cards? Joint accounts? Separate accounts?
• What about debt that you incurred before the marriage? Will you work on paying it off together or separately?
• How will you handle the fact that one of you earns a lot more than the other? Will you divide expenses down the middle or will each of you pay a percentage of your income? Will each of you assume different expenses?
• What if one of you expects to get an inheritance? How do you handle that? Will that money belong to him/her or will you share it as a couple?
• What about property that you own before the wedding?
• Do you need a prenuptial agreement?

A word about your current debt
Don't try to hide it until after the wedding. This will only anger your partner (justifiably so) and lead to mistrust between you.

Talk to Your Fiance About Money Before You Get Married:  Talk About Debt

Don't think that you'll pay it off quietly (somehow) and he or she does not need to know about it. Be honest and open about your debt. It's all going to come out after you're married anyway, so you might as well get it out into the open now.

What if you find out that your partner has a poor credit history or that he or she has been irresponsible about debt?
Does this mean that you have to cancel the wedding and you can never be together? Well, no, not necessarily.

Talk to Your Fiance About Money Before You Get Married:  What About Poor  Credit?

It depends. Finding out that your partner was irresponsible with credit cards when he was a student and is now doing the right thing by paying them off is very different from finding out that he has a serious gambling problem and he's in denial about it.

Only you can decide what you can live with and what you can't. However, it's also important not to fool yourself into thinking that these problems will go away after you're married because, chances are, they won't.

What if your partner is too uncomfortable to talk about money?
It's understandable that you and your soon to be spouse might feel uncomfortable talking about your personal finances.

Talking about our own money in our society is still a taboo subject and it's true that many people would more readily talk about sex than reveal how much money they earn. So, a certain amount of discomfort is normal. Be patient with one another. You don't need to talk about all the topics at once. Usually, as you begin to have these discussions, it becomes a little easier.

What if your partner refuses to talk about money?
If you're patient and give your partner a chance to get comfortable but he or she adamantly refuses to talk about money or becomes verbally abusive about it, that's a big red flag and it should give you pause.

A partner who refuses to talk about money or who becomes critical of you for wanting to talk about money has issues that you should be concerned about. If it's hard now, it's going to be even harder after you get married.

There may be reasons why your partner is too uncomfortable to talk about money: Maybe it brings up old family issues. Maybe his or her family never talked about money and it was considered a taboo topic to discuss. Maybe it brings up other insecurities. It's better to find this out now. At least, whatever you decide about your future together, you'll be doing it with your eyes open.

Getting Help in Therapy
You and your partner might need professional help to sort these issues out now before they become even bigger issues after you're married. I've helped many couples to work out these issues satisfactorily so that they can go on to have good, stable marriages together.

I am a NYC psychotherapist and couples counselor. To find out more about me, you can visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapis

Call me at (917) 742-2624 to set up a consultation or email me.

See my article:  Talk to Your Spouse About Money

Making Changes: Overcoming Ambivalence

It's not unusual that when we want to make changes in our lives, we also have mixed feelings which keep us stuck and emotionally paralyzed.  However, indecision can become a problem when they weigh us down and keep us from taking action.

Making Changes: Overcoming Ambivalence

Getting Stuck Before Taking Action
Many people are very good at thinking about solutions to their problems, getting advice, planning on paper how they will make the change, but then they get stuck when it comes to actually taking action to make the change.

Often, their own mixed feelings or fears keep them from taking the steps they need to take to make the change--even when they've thought about it a lot and decided that it's the best course to take.

This can be very frustrating for themselves as well as for their loved ones.

While it's important not to be impulsive, especially when making life-changing decisions, it's also important not to get stuck in ambivalence, doubt and indecision.

Why do people, who are often good planners, get stuck before taking the steps they need to take to follow through with their decisions?
The answer to this question is as varied as the many people who get stuck at the point of taking action.

For some people, it's a matter of feeling overwhelmed by anxiety that their decision might be the wrong one.

For other people, who tend to put off making decisions, it's a way of obsessing about their options and trying to find the "perfect" solution when there really isn't one.

Some people, who suffer with low self esteem, don't trust their own judgement. And so on.

Are you stuck at the planning stage about making changes in your life?
Are you feeling frustrated because you don't understand why you can't get to the next step, even though you feel that you really want to make a change?

Rather than being hard on yourself about it and putting yourself down, it's better to become curious about your own process.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you can't seem to get yourself "unstuck," instead of wasting more days, weeks, months or even years, trying to do the same thing on your own that hasn't worked for you before, consider psychotherapy as an option to help you get moving to where you want to go in your life.

Getting Help in Therapy

A licensed mental health professional can help you to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you stuck so you can take action to make the changes you want to make.

I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing who has helped many clients to get "unstuck" so they can take action to lead more fulfilling lives.   

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

Call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me to set up a consultation.