Mind-Body Connection: Focused Meditation

In prior posts, I discussed The Mind-Body Connection: Coping With Stress - Calming the Body, Calming the Mind. In this blog post, I will discuss focused meditation.

What is Focused Meditation?
As I discussed in my prior blog post, in mindfulness meditation, you focus your attention and awareness on your internal experience. In focused meditation, you concentrate on an object. The object can be a flower, a shell, a gem, a stone or whatever you choose to focus your attention on.

Mind-Body Connection: Focused Meditation

The goal of focused meditation is to stay in the moment.

When you're practicing focused meditation, it's normal for your attention to wander at times, especially when you first begin practicing. Rather than getting frustrated and giving up, you just bring your attention back to the object each time. You also remember to breathe and allow your breath to help you to relax.

As a beginner to focused meditation, you might want to begin by focusing your attention on a category of objects rather than a single object. 

So, for instance, instead of focusing on one flower, you can look at four flowers. This allows your mind and eyes to wander to the different flowers, when your mind and eyes want to wander and, generally, it's easier to start in this way. Over time, you can train your mind to focus on one object. Gradually, you can learn to stay with that focus for longer periods of time.

Focusing on an object helps you to relax and it's a good way to de-stress.

In my psychotherapy private practice in NYC, I encourage clients to find a method of meditation that works for them. Usually, they find that it helps them to relax and also increases their ability to concentrate and be more aware of themselves and others.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Stress and the Mind-Body Connection: Calming the Mind, Calming the Body

When you're overwhelmed by stress, calming your mind can help you to calm your body. It also works the other way around: Calming the body helps to calm the mind.

Coping With Stress and the Mind-Body Connection

Your particular reaction to stress is determined, in part, by your sympathetic nervous system, which is part of your autonomic nervous system.

The function of the sympathetic nervous system is to mobilize you for a fight-flight response if you're in danger. When you're in a high degree of stress, whether it's about positive or negative events, you might experience various stress-related symptoms, including an increase in heart rate, dilated pupils, an increase in blood pressure, pale, cold skin, and so on.

Many people who have experienced a significant amount of stress over a period of time are in a constant state of anxiety, and even relatively minor incidents of new stress can trigger a high degree of emotional activation.

For these people, even minor stressors, like waiting on a grocery line, getting caught in traffic, or waiting for a train, can cause an emotional overreaction because they're already in a state of high activation from chronic and unrelenting stress. Just coping and getting through each day can be a challenge.

Over time, an inability to cope with stress can have a negative impact on a person's confidence and self esteem.

Stress Management:
In order to cope more effectively with stress, it's important to find healthy ways to de-stress.

In the next few blog posts, I'll discuss specific, effective methods for calming the mind and the body. As a psychotherapist in NYC, I often recommend and teach these methods to my clients in my private practice.

About Me
I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist in NYC.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

See Articles: 

Mind-Body Connection: Focused Meditation

Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation

Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I've noticed that more clients are struggling with feelings of loneliness than I've encountered with clients in prior years.

Why Are People More Socially Isolated and Lonely Now Than in the Past?
There are many reasons why people are more socially isolated from one another and, as a result, more lonely than before.  

Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation

A Decrease in In-Person Social Contact

As a society, we have less in person contact these days than we used to before.  We rely more on email and text messages now.  While there are definite advantages to these technological advances, there have also been disadvantages, especially for people who live alone and have few close friends or family members.

Young adults, many of whom rely almost exclusively on text messages or social media to communicate, often don't develop the social skills necessary to communicate with potential friends or romantic romantic partners.  Many of them complain to me that they feel awkward talking to new people, and they don't know how to start a conversation at a social gathering.

Loneliness vs Depression

Loneliness is often confused with depression, and many people would prefer to say they're depressed and seek antidepressant medication from their doctor than admit that they're lonely.

While there can be a connection between loneliness and depression, very often, loneliness can be confused with depression.

Loneliness and Shame

For many people the shame of admitting that they're lonely is so great that they might even have a hard time admitting that they're lonely to their therapists.  

Admitting to feeling lonely often involves a certain emotional vulnerability that many people can't tolerate.  Many of them feel that by admitting that they're lonely, they'll be judged and people will think there's something wrong with them.  They feel that admitting to being lonely puts them at risk for people thinking they're not likable, and they might have their own fears about this.

Being Willing to Extend Yourself

If you're feeling lonely, it can help to extend yourself to others rather than waiting for others to approach you.

If you have a particularly difficult time initiating social interactions, you might want to consider doing volunteer work.

When you volunteer for a cause or a particular group, you're usually given a particular task to do and talking to others is easier because you're interacting within the context of doing the volunteer work. 

The following scenario, which is a composite to protect confidentiality, illustrates how a client was able to overcome feelings of loneliness:

Bill

When Bill graduated college and moved to NYC to take a job as a computer programmer, he didn't know anyone in the city.

Bill interacted with coworkers at work, but most of them were older and married.  As a young, single man in a new city, Bill often felt lonely when he was home alone.

He kept up with college buddies and friends from his hometown mostly via text messages.  He also called his parents once a week.  And these interactions were the extent of his social interactions outside of work.

After a few months, Bill thought he was depressed, so he came to see me for help.  It became apparent early on that not only was Bill socially isolated, but he felt uncomfortable initiating social interactions with new people.  Even when he was in college, most of the other students that he became friends with were people who were more outgoing and approached him first.

As we talked about what Bill thought were depressive symptoms, it turned out that when he went home and saw his family and friends, he didn't feel sad.  He also didn't have most of the other symptoms associated with depression, so I surmised that Bill was really lonely as opposed to being depressed.

When I work with clients, whether it's about problems with loneliness or other emotional issues, I tend to be interactive.  So, Bill and I talked about what he would be willing to do to be less socially isolated in NYC.

Since Bill was very fond of animals, he came up with the idea of volunteering his time at a no-kill animal shelter.  From the start of his volunteer work at the shelter, the dogs and cats, who longed for attention, gravitated towards Bill and he loved spending time with them.  He even adopted a dog and a cat.

He loved his pets, and having affectionate pets, who waited eagerly for his arrival when he got home, made it a lot easier for Bill when he came home.   

But Bill also wanted human social interaction, so we talked about what type of volunteer work he would like to do to meet new people.  As it turned out, Bill was very interested in local politics and there was a particular local candidate that he liked.

When he looked into volunteer opportunities with this local political candidate, he discovered that the campaign had a real need for volunteers.  So, Bill spent a few hours each week volunteering his time.

Initially, Bill felt awkward because most people already knew each other and he was the new volunteer.  Breaking into a new group, especially if someone is self conscious and somewhat shy as Bill was, can be difficult, so Bill had to lower his expectations at first.

But after the second week, one of the other volunteers, Ed, told Bill that there was a group that went out for burgers afterwards, and he asked Bill to join them.  

Over time, Bill became friendly with a few of the other volunteers, and he began to socialize with them more.  And, as he developed friendships with these people, he realized that he no longer felt lonely.  He also realized that his problem wasn't depression after all--it was social isolation which had resulted in loneliness.

Overcoming Social Isolation and Loneliness Can Be Challenging For the Elderly or People Who Are Home bound

For people who are either elderly or home bound due to health problems, social isolation and loneliness can be challenging because they might not interact with others.

Being isolated, they're also more at risk for health problems that might not be detected because they have little or no social interactions with others.

In some communities, religious organizations and social service agencies have volunteers who can visit the elderly or the home bound.  In many major cities, like NYC, there are senior centers with free transportation where the elderly can meet other people and engage in social activities.

Social Anxiety Can Complicate Efforts to Overcome Social Isolation and Loneliness

See my article:  Overcoming Social Anxiety

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

Loneliness doesn't just occur because people are socially isolated.  People in relationships where their emotional needs aren't being met are often lonely too.

See my article:  Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

Getting Help in Therapy

If you've been unable to overcome feelings of loneliness and social isolation, rather than remaining isolated and unhappy, you could benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist who has helped psychotherapy clients to overcome this problem.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Solitude vs Loneliness

Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations in an Unhappy Relationship

In his book, The Examined Life: How We Lose and Find Ourselves, psychoanalyst Stephen Grosz has a chapter called "On Mourning the Future" in which one of his clients, Jennifer is trapped in a lifeless relationship.

As he listens to Jennifer describe a long-term relationship with a man who can't commit to getting married or having children, he writes that he thinks about what he would want a therapist to tell his own daughter if his daughter was trapped in a relationship like this.

Stephen Grosz says he would want a therapist to tell his daughter that breaking up means not just giving up the present but also letting go of the hopes and dreams of the future with this person.

Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations of in an Unhappy Relationship

While this might seem obvious, many people who are caught in lifeless relationships maintain an unrealistic sense of hope that there will be a future at some point that will include all the things they're not getting now in their relationship.

These hopes and dreams of the future can be so powerful that a person in an unhappy relationship can remain focused on these future fantasies to the exclusion of what's actually happening in the here and now.

Meanwhile, time keeps passing, and this person remains stuck and unhappy, relying on fantasies to get through the present.

The Past is Alive in the Present and the Future is Alive in the Present
As Stephen Grosz says in his book, the past is alive in the present and the future is alive in the present.

Let's look at an example of this phenomenon in the following case, which is a composite of many different psychotherapy cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Susan:
When Susan came to see me in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC, she was in her  mid-30s and she was in a 10 year relationship with her boyfriend, Mike.

Susan said she loved Mike very much, and she knew that Mike loved her.  She wanted to get married and have children, but Mike kept saying that he wasn't ready.

Susan told me that every time she raised the subject of marriage during the last several years, Mike kept putting it off because of whatever stressful situation was going on in his life at the time.

There was the time that he was having problems with his boss.  After that, there was time he was starting his own business.  And, after that, his mother began having health concerns and he was too overwhelmed by this to talk about getting married and having children.

Susan tried to be compassionate and understanding, but she was concerned that Mike might never be ready to commit to marriage and children.

Whenever she tried to talk to him to tell him that she was concerned that if she waited much longer, she might not be able to have children, he became annoyed with her and told her she was selfish to overwhelm him when she knew he was already overwhelmed.

As Susan talked about this dynamic in her relationship, I could tell that she already knew that Mike would never make this commitment, but she wasn't ready to let go of the relationship or her fantasies of her future with him.

She was very emotionally invested in her fantasies of the future with Mike.  She imagined what her wedding would be like.  She thought about having children with Mike and buying a house together in the suburbs.


The problem was that these thoughts remained nothing more than fantasies in Susan's mind.  Thinking about them helped her during the times when Mike brushed off her concerns that time was passing and her biological clock was ticking.

When I asked Susan how she thought she would feel if, somehow, she knew for sure now that Mike would never be ready to make a commitment to getting married and having children, she thought about if for a long time and then she became tearful.

Over the next couple of months, Susan began to acknowledge to herself that she really knew that Mike was never going to be ready to make a commitment and she had been kidding herself all this time.

Knowing that someone you love will never make the commitment that you want and actually doing something about it are two very different things.  But Susan was at a point where she was no longer in denial.

She talked about her sadness about letting go of Mike and letting go of her dreams about a future with him.  As Stephen Grosz might say, she was in the process of mourning her future dreams with Mike.

It took a lot of courage and the willingness to go through the emotional pain of a breakup with Mike for Susan to leave her relationship.  It also took a sense of hope that there could be a future with someone else.

Even after she broke up with Mike, Susan was plagued with doubts about whether she made a mistake.  She feared being alone for the rest of her life and never meeting anyone else that she would love as much and who would be willing to make a commitment.

She thought: Would it have been better to stay with Mike, who loved her and whom she loved so much, than to wonder if she would ever be in a loving relationship again?

Fortunately, several months later, Susan began a new relationship with another man who was able to make the kinds of commitments that she wanted.  Eventually, they got married and, since her doctor advised her that if she wanted to have children, she shouldn't wait much longer, she got pregnant soon after that.  And both she and her husband were happy.

Fear of Letting Go of Unrealistic Fantasies of a Happy Future When You're in an Unhappy Relationship
Not everyone is as fortunate as Susan. Many people remain in unhappy long-term relationships as time passes and their fantasies about the future get dimmer and dimmer.


Many of these same people really know deep down that their fantasies about the future are just that--fantasies that will never materialize with the person that they're with.  But denial can be very powerful, and letting go is difficult.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're stuck in a lifeless relationship where you really know that your partner or spouse isn't going to change, it's important to allow yourself to realize that time is passing.

You owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients with this issue.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many psychotherapy clients to have more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:  
Your Relationship: Should You Stay or Go?

Overcoming the Fear of Falling In Love and Getting Hurt Again

Overcoming a Communication Stalemate in Your Relationship

When couples come to see me in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC, one of the major complaints I hear is that they often get into communication stalemates with each other.  Many of them have problems understanding the needs of their spouses, which leads to these communication stalemate.  The problem often involves misunderstandings about the need for providing emotional support vs the need for giving solutions to problems.

Overcoming a Communication Stalemate in Your Relationship

Let's look at a typical scenario which, in this case, is a composite of the dynamics in many relationships where the two people have difficulty communicating with each other because there is a misunderstanding about what the person with the problem needs from the spouse:

Jean and Bill:
When Jean and Bill came for couples counseling, they both felt frustrated with their inability to communicate with each other.

When they came for couples counseling, they were in their mid-30s, married for three years, and they didn't have children.

Bill worked as a financial consultant from home, and Jean was a senior manager at a large bank.  They both worked long hours, and they both enjoyed their work, even though there were challenges at times.

Usually, at the end of a long day, they would have a late dinner together at home and talk about their day.  At the point when they came to see me, Jean was having a difficult time with one of her colleagues who tended to undermine Jean at senior managers meetings.

When she came home, Jean felt tense and frustrated by this ongoing problem.  But what made her feel even more frustrated was that Bill had a hard time understanding that when she talked to him about this issue, she just wanted his emotional support--not a solution to the problem.  And, even though she had told him this several times, Bill seemed to have difficulty understanding this.

Jean:  "Instead of listening to me and trying to empathize with what I'm going through, he cuts me off by giving possible solutions to the problem.  But I'm not looking for him to 'fix' the problem for me. I just want to be able to vent and feel that he cares about me and he's on my side before we come up with solutions.  I'm not feeling that.  I feel like Bill just wants to jump ahead to problem solving."

Bill:   "I just don't get it.  What's wrong with problem solving and offering possible solutions?  Isn't it better to find a solution to resolve this problem?  And how is it that you don't know I care about you?"

At that point, Bill and Jean were sitting far apart from each other on my couch, both of them glaring at one another. It was obvious that they had been down this road many times before and had come to the same impasse each time.

A Common Communication Problem in Relationships:  Seeking Emotional Support vs Looking For an Immediate Solution
This is a common communication problem in many relationships, and part of the problem is that, generally speaking, men and women often approach problems differently.  It's not a matter of one way being better than another.

Typically speaking, whereas men usually like to get to the solution of a problem quickly, women usually prefer to process their feelings about it first before coming to a solution.  Just like anything else, there are, of course, exceptions to this dynamic between men and women.  Often, depending upon the problem, women usually prefer to come to solutions to problems between people by talking it out, but many men find this frustrating.  They're usually more focused on fixing the problem right away without processing it.

In this case, Bill and Jean were having a hard time understanding where the other one was coming from.  Bill didn't understand that Jean wanted him to be there for her, actively listening to what she said, expressing that he understood how difficult this situation was for Jean and that he loved her.  Instead, he jumped ahead to the practical issue of trying to "fix" the problem.  He wasn't really understanding what she needed from him.  Then, Jean would get very angry and refuse to talk about it.

Jean wasn't communicating in a way that was clear to Bill about what she needed.  Rather than saying, "I just want you to listen to me right now and I want you to show me that you care without jumping to a solution," she would become angry and lose her temper with him.  Her knee-jerk reaction compounded the problem.

As a couples counselor, I helped each of them to step back and look at their situation from the perspective of the other person.  This was challenging for both of them because they had each become so dug in from their own perspectives.

But as we continued to work together and they practiced active listening and being clearer about each of their needs in our couples sessions and at home, they improved their communication, tensions eased, and they became closer.

Jean learned to tell Bill at the beginning of the conversation that she wasn't looking for a solution just yet--she just wanted to vent.  And Bill learned to put himself in Jean's shoes and express love and support.  He also came to realize that talking it out actually helped Jean to come to a better solution than just looking for a solution without going through the process of their discussion.

Overcoming a Communication Stalemate in Your Relationship

Jean also learned that, every so often, Bill would slip up and jump in with a solution.  Rather than losing her temper, Jean learned to be more patient and to understand that Bill was coming from a loving place, and he just needed to be reminded that she just wanted him to listen and express emotional support.

They also learned to limit these discussions to no more than 30 minutes so it didn't take over the rest of the evening, and they could focus on reconnecting with each at the end of the day.

Getting Help in Therapy
Although, as I've said, this is a common communication problem in relationships, couples often have a hard time resolving it on their own, especially if the problem has been going on for a while and hurt feelings and resentment have been building up over time.

A skilled and objective couples counselor can help a couple out of their communication stalemate,

If you and your spouse find yourself  stuck in a communication stalemate, don't keep doing the same things that hasn't been working for you.  Rather than continuing in your stalemate, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping couples to overcome this problem so you can have a happier relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Problem With Rebound Relationships

A rebound relationship is a relationship that usually occurs shortly after you've ended a serious long term  relationship.  Sometimes, it occurs while someone is still in a relationship because s/he doesn't want to end one relationship without having someone else.

Heartbreak, Fear of Being Alone and Rebound Relationships
Generally speaking, many people go into rebound relationships because they're afraid to be alone.  Often, they're also afraid to go through the painful emotions involved a breakup.  So, rather than dealing with the feelings of loss, they find someone new to be in love with and excited about.

The Problem With Rebound Relationships

So, you might ask:  What's wrong with falling in love again?  And I would respond that, while it's true that some rebound relationships work out, many don't for a variety of reasons.

Why Rebound Relationships Often Don't Work Out:

Fantasies and Projections:
Usually, people who jump right into a new relationship, after being in a prior long term relationship, don't really know the new person that well.  Since they don't know the person that well, they fill in the blanks with wonderful fantasies and projections about who this new person is.

Then, as they get to really know the new person, reality sets in, and they usually discover that this person isn't who they thought s/he was.  And this leads to disappointment.

Unresolved Grief:
Since the motivation for a rebound relationship is often due, in part, to a wish to avoid feeling the pain of a prior breakup, the person who jumps into a new relationship quickly ends up pushing down their grief.

But the grief doesn't just go away.  It can come out in many different ways, including somatically.  Your body holds onto the grief even if you aren't consciously aware of it, and you might find yourself more susceptible to getting sick.

Also, once you begin to feel the disappointment when you realize that your new relationship isn't what you thought it was, you will often feel the emotions related to the unresolved grief along with your disappointment in the new relationship.

Incompatibility:
When you rebound into a new relationship, as I mentioned earlier, your own fantasies and projections can sweep you off your feet.  At first, you might not realize that the two of you aren't really compatible.  Evaluating compatibility takes time and the rebound relationship often happens too quickly to understand if you're compatible or not.

Let's take a look at a scenario, which is a composite of many different cases, that is typical of the problems related to rebound relationships:

Alice:
Alice and Bob, who were in their early 30s, were living together for five years when they decided to break up.  They still loved each other very much, but Alice wanted to have children, and Bob didn't.

Alice knew when they started dating that Bob didn't want children, but she fell in love with him and she hoped that, with time, he would change his mind.  But neither of them ever changed their minds about having children, and they each knew that they would be unhappy if they gave in to the other's wishes.

Alice was very aware that time was passing, and she knew that she might have problems with infertility if she waited much longer to have a child.

She struggled with her feelings for a couple of years when she realized that Bob wasn't going to change his mind about having children:  Should she stay with him because they loved each other so much and give up her desire for having children or should she leave the relationship and give herself a chance to meet someone new who would love her and want children too?

What if she didn't meet anyone new that she loved as much as Bob?  Or, what if she met someone new and they had a wonderful relationship, but it turned out that she couldn't have children?

These were very difficult questions that she perseverated about endlessly in her mind.  But, in the end, she knew that having children was a priority for her, and she wouldn't be happy unless she gave herself a chance to be with someone who wanted children.

Although there was no acrimony when she told Bob she thought it was best if they ended their relationship, the breakup was painfully sad.  Bob agreed that it was for the best for each of them, and they agreed that he would move out.

As Alice watched Bob pack his things, she felt her mind reeling:  Bob is a wonderful guy.  Is she making a big mistake by ending their relationship?  What if she never meets anyone as wonderful as Bob?   Although she really knew it was for the best, on some level, she still felt very uncertain about the breakup.

The first few weeks after the breakup, Alice's sadness was excruciating.  She felt like she would never stop crying.  She was tempted to call Bob, who would normally be there for her to comfort her, but they had agreed that it would be best if they didn't have any contact for at least six months.  So, whenever she found herself picking up the phone to call him, she would hang up again.

Alice's friends tried to comfort her, but she felt inconsolable.  Just getting through the day was excruciating.  And the nights alone in the bed that she shared with Bob were even more excruciating.

Until then, she had been avoiding social get-togethers with friends.  But her best friend, Tina, convinced her that staying home alone would only make her feel worse, and she convinced her to come to a friend's birthday party.  Although celebrating was the last thing she felt like doing, Alice knew that isolating herself wasn't good for her, so she agreed, reluctantly, to go.

Alice thought she would just go and stay for an hour and come home.  She was afraid that she wouldn't be such good company.  But there were many friends that she hadn't seen in a long time, and she was surprised that she was actually enjoying herself for the first time in a while.

Then, she saw John talking to her friend Tina.  She couldn't remember when she had seen such a handsome man.  She thought:  Lucky Tina.  Where did she meet him?

But when Tina came over to introduce John to Alice, it turned out that John was Tina's cousin who was visiting from California.

Alice felt an instant attraction to John, and she sensed that he was attracted to her too.  They spent most of the night together talking to each other, and the more she talked to him, the more she liked him.  And, to her delight, he talked about loving children and wanting to eventually have children.

All the while, she thought to herself:  How is it possible that after only a few weeks of being out of my relationship with Bob, I'm so attracted to this guy?

But she was undeniably attracted to John, and she felt swept off her feet after going out with him on a date while he was in NY.

After he returned to California, she thought about John all the time, and they would call each other and text several times a day.  Since her job involved traveling to the West Coast at least once a month, Alice would visit John and he would come to NYC at least once a month.  These visits were eagerly anticipated by both of them, and their time together was passionate.

Alice's friends liked John a lot, and they were happy to see that she met someone that she really liked.  But her best friend, Susan, who knew Alice since their college days, warned Alice to slow down.  She was afraid that Alice was caught in a rebound situation where she was allowing her fantasies of a long term relationship with John to run away with her.  But Alice was so excited and immersed in her new relationship with John that she dismissed Susan's advice.

When John found out a job in NYC, he and Alice decided to live together in her apartment.  A month before he came, Alice redecorated the apartment, made space in the closet for his clothes, and bought new linen.  She was so happy that they could be together now.  They talked every day about how wonderful it would be.

But within a couple of months of John moving in, tension developed between them.  They discovered that they were very different in many ways.

Whereas Alice was an early to bed/early to rise person who sprang out of bed and couldn't wait to begin the day, John would go to sleep late and get up about 11 or 11:30 AM.  She thought John was an early riser too because whenever she visited him or he came to see her in NY, he was up early with her too.  But she soon discovered that this wasn't John's natural inclination.  He keep this schedule he mostly worked from home.

Alice often got to her office at 8 AM to avoid the rush hour crush, and she often stayed at work until 7 PM.  By the time she got home, she was tired, but he was energized from sleeping late and spending time at the gym.

As time went on, they discovered other incompatibilities.  He was more of a home body and she liked to socialize more with friends.  She assumed that because she met him at a party and they went out a lot before they moved in together that he liked to socialize.  But she found out that he usually didn't go to parties and, other than going out to dinner or a movie with her, John didn't like to socialize that much. So, after John moved in, Alice would end up going to social events alone.

A few months after they began living together, they also began getting on each other's nerves with the kinds of habits that two people only discover when they move in together.  At the same time, they stopped having sex and they began to co-exist like roommates with neither of them acknowledging to each other that their relationship was spiraling down.

This saddened Alice and she realized that their relationship wasn't going to work.  As she wondered how she would broach the topic with John, he brought it up one day when she got home.  After they spoke, John packed his things and moved into a hotel until he could find his own apartment.

Alice cried harder that night than she ever did, and she realized that she was crying for the end of this short relationship and even more so for the end of her long term relationship with Bob.

She realized she had a lot of unresolved grief because she never gave herself a chance to grieve for her relationship with Bob before she got involved with John.  And she and John got involved so quickly that they never dated so they could get to know each other over time.

A few weeks after the breakup with John, Alice began therapy with me to deal with her losses and to understand why she feared being alone so much that she jumped into another relationship on the rebound.  Gradually, Alice began to work through her sadness and fear.

Getting Help in Therapy
These issues are more common than most people think.

If Alice's story resonates with you and you're struggling to overcome the emotional pain of loss, a rebound relationship or your fear of being alone, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health practitioner who has experience helping therapy clients to overcome these problems.

With help, you can lead a fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many psychotherapy clients to overcome the emotional pain associated with breakups and fear of being alone.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Stonewalling in Relationships: Are You a Stonewaller?

In his book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, relationship expert, John Gottman discusses the concept of stonewalling in relationships.  

What is Stonewalling in a Relationship?
According to Dr. Gottman, stonewalling is a maladaptive defense mechanism that occurs when a person in a relationship withdraws emotionally from the partner because s/he feels overwhelmed by whatever is going on in the relationship.

Stonewalling in a Relationship

As a psychotherapist in New York City who works with individual adults and couples, I've seen many clients who either stonewall their partners or who are in a relationship with someone who stonewalls.

Let's look at the following scenario, which is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality, to see how stonewalling can affect a relationship:

Nina and John:
When Nina and John came to couples counseling, they were a couple in their mid-50s who were contemplating divorce.  As many couples do, they decided to give their relationship a last ditch effort in couples counseling before they filed for divorce.

Nina's main complaint was that whenever they were having one of their frequent arguments, John would tune her out by either hiding behind a newspaper or going into another room. Then, she would usually follow him and try to get him to talk to her, to no avail.

She said she knew, even when they were in the same room, that he was tuning her out because he had a distracted, blank look on his face.  She knew he wasn't listening to her, and this infuriated her even more.

Whenever this happened, she said, the more she frustrated she felt, the more she would yell, and the more she yelled, the more John would withdraw into himself.

When it was John's turn to talk, he said that, at the start of their arguments, he would attempt to respond to Nina but, after a while, he felt so overwhelmed by her hostility that he just couldn't listen to her any more.

At that point, he felt the need to withdraw from her.  As John explained his reaction, I recognized that he would become "flooded" (overwhelmed) by emotions which led to his stonewalling.

Based on their description of their dynamic, John and Nina were caught in a dysfunctional pattern.  I explained to them that they were both reacting to one another in ways that made the situation worse.  It was no wonder that their relationship had spiraled down to the point where they were considering a divorce.

Yet, as I told them, it was evident that they still loved each other.  When I asked them to talk about the early days in their relationship, there were signs of the love that brought them together when they first met.  They both talked fondly about how they met and what drew each of them to the other.  They also smiled at each other as they reminisced about those early days.

I saw this as a hopeful sign, as compared to couples who give only a vague, neutral or hostile description of the early stage of their relationship.

I also noticed that even when they argued in the couples counseling sessions, each of them made small reparative gestures towards each other.  Nina would touch John's arm lightly when she saw him getting upset. John would sometimes make a joke that would make Nina laugh.

I also saw this as a hopeful sign.

Reparative Gestures in a Relationship:
As John Gottman describes in his book, when one or both people in a relationship can make reparative attempts and the other person responds positively to it, it can break the tension and there is often hope that the relationship can be salvaged.

According to Dr. Gottman, when a couple has a pattern of showing contempt for each other, this is a destructive dynamic in a relationship.  But if there are reparative gestures that break the tension, this usually indicates that contempt hasn't completely destroyed the relationship. This has also been my experience with couples in couples counseling.

As it turned out, Nina and John were able to work through their problems in couples counseling because they still cared about each other and there was still something there to be salvaged.

Also See My Article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Stop Stonewalling

Getting Help in Therapy
After reading this article, if you recognize the stonewalling dynamic in your relationship, you and your spouse can get help to salvage your relationship.   

Working with an experienced couples counselor, you can both learn better ways of interacting in your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many couples learn to develop healthier ways of interacting with each other so they could be happier in their relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me